Oops! Outed: Likely, Boned: We'll see

[whowhatwhen]

I think I may have outed myself in the worst possible way and boned myself in the process.
Since I know just how much people looooove reading script style conversations I'll do my best to recollect how it went down.

Brother: Time for a haircut man
Me: Nah, I'm growing it out
Brother: Seriously?
Me: Yeah
Mom: Why?
Me: Because I can, and I thought you knew already?
Mom: Oh right, you want to be a girl
Me: Yeah, is that going to be a problem?
Mom: Yes

She didn't look too happy after that and I quickly excused myself, cursing that I didn't lie or at least bend the truth a little.
There's no going back now, I can't unsay that and I'm still kicking myself.

That was about 45 minutes ago and I've been avoiding contact ever since.
Even worse, if she brings it up again I won't be able to lie either.

Let me clarify that I'm likely not in any danger of being suddenly thrown out, my worst fear all along was hurting people and it may have come true.

[STACY B]

Take it slow,,, They love you an will except it with time ,,,Just be nice an dont act like a baby,,, Treat them the way you want to be treated . Dont back off of the hair ,,, It helps alot .

[kimdl93]

Don't jump to conclusions. Give them some time

[Cynthia Anne]

I agree! Give it a little time! I have a feeling things are going to be just fine! Just don't push it nor give in! Hugs!

[sterling12]

Yes everybody had a very large "jolt." Suddenly, some suspected, unsaid, things got said. Now, everybody has to digest The Information, process it, and figure out a future strategy. That could be good or bad for you, and you won't know until it happens. But please, my worthless opinion counsels to "let it happen."

Don't start a confrontation just to guage their reactions. With luck, and given time; they will tell you they aren't happy, but that they can try to accept things and cope. Your Job is to make things as painless as you can. If you don't, it invites reaction and problems. We already had one person get assaulted and thrown out of the house. Let's not make it twice in a week!

Peace and Love, Joanie

[whowhatwhen]

I managed to avoid speaking for tonight, maybe tomorrow everyone will have forgotten or has a level head for discussing it.
I knew though, that at some point all of my changes would bring this about.

My next step was/is a haircut, but being in a complete female style as well as getting my eyebrows thinned out even more.
That is something I'm not willing to compromise on, I had mentioned to my therapist that to me, getting it cut short again or even growing it in a male style would be a cop-out.
We worked hard to get me to the point of feeling like I own my own body, I cannot let them make me change no matter how much I hate the idea that it could cause stress.

Honestly, in an odd sort of way I hope it is brought up again tomorrow.
I want it all to be over one way or another.

[nvlady]

The more this question comes up the more they will know the truth.
The more they know the truth the less this question will come up.

[Beverley Sims]

At this point, I think I would just go with the flow.
See what happens and definitely do not push it.
It will work out better as they take it on slowly.

[Tracii G]

Go slow and let them bring it up and tell the truth.

[Millie]

Be thankful you can grow hair, wish mine would come back. I'd do the same. Hang in there, be yourself, not what others expect you to be.

[Karren H]

Not like you locked your self into the fast track to womanhood.... next week if the subject comes up just tell her you changed your mine and now you want to be a fireman... or an astronaut...... :) Yeah... then things will be back to normal....

[May(be)]

Not like you locked your self into the fast track to womanhood.... next week if the subject comes up just tell her you changed your mine and now you want to be a fireman... or an astronaut...... :) Yeah... then things will be back to normal....

FireWOMAN*. as long as you can avoid talking about it with them until you move out, do so. Eventually, you might want to tell them, but do so when you can stand on your own two feet.

[whowhatwhen]

Not like you locked your self into the fast track to womanhood....

Rats! :P
So far it hasn't come up again, but I'm assuming it has to at some point.

Especially since I'm going to (hopefully) start looking less and less like a man as time goes on.
I'm not in any danger though, they're not transphobic, it's likely not what they'd hoped for their son though.

Thank you all for the replies.
:)

[BLUE ORCHID]

FireWOMAN*. as long as you can avoid talking about it with them until you move out, do so. Eventually, you might want to tell them, but do so when you can stand on your own two feet.

Is that what you call a lady fireman??

[bimini1]

Yes they always teach you growing up not to lie to simply be truthfull. Then when you tell the truth they crucify you for it.
In the immortal words of Jack Nicolsen " you can't handle the truth".

[Barbra P]

. . .
Me: Because I can, and I thought you knew already?
Mom: Oh right, you want to be a girl.
. . .


Well the revelation doesn't sound like a bolt out of the blue, sounds like your Mother more than just suspected, it sounds like she already knew.

[docrobbysherry]

Well the revelation doesn't sound like a bolt out of the blue, sounds like your Mother more than just suspected, it sounds like she already knew.
That was MY first thot, too, Barbra! Since they already know, it doesn't sound like a big problem. If they aren't supportive, they're NOT likely to bring it up. Until u do something to piss off a family member. Or, throw it in their face!

[sometimes_miss]

Hope for the best, but don't make plans assuming anyone else will change their mind. It's been 14 years for me, and the family members that know, still want nothing to do with it. I hope you make out better than I did.

[Jorja]

Look at the bright side of this. There are many here that can never tell their parents and family that they are transgendered. You have done that. Give them time to deal with it. You have known for a while now. They just found out. Continue on with your life and let them see that you are a much happier and better person as a woman. They will come around. They are only upset or non-approving because they think you are ruining your life. Show them it is not true.

[Davena Doll]

just tell her you were joking, its a non issue.

[NathalieX66]

I can speak from someone who is growing my hair out from from nearly nothing since October 2010. Some of it is now brushing past my collarbone nowadays. Ive had some of it nipped to kill the split ends. I have zero hair loss . I do dye it an almond brown color to kill off the grey streaks.

I took some ribbing from my parents, friends, and my company president for doing this. I show up every day at work in a corporate environment in a ponytail. I was fortunate enough to prevail.

I own me. I cannot, and will not be defined by other people. I live this life for no one else....certainly not my parents. They brought me into this world, gave me everything so I could make it in this world, and I lived up to what they expected of me. I paid my debts to my parents (what ever I owed them financially) , and still do. I love them. They are my responsibility.

I am still me.

[whowhatwhen]

Well the revelation doesn't sound like a bolt out of the blue, sounds like your Mother more than just suspected, it sounds like she already knew.

Well, she said it sort of sarcastically but in all things considered I'm actually kind of inclined to agree.


Look at the bright side of this. There are many here that can never tell their parents and family that they are transgendered. You have done that. Give them time to deal with it. You have known for a while now. They just found out. Continue on with your life and let them see that you are a much happier and better person as a woman. They will come around. They are only upset or non-approving because they think you are ruining your life. Show them it is not true.

That is very true.
While I still have more to discover of myself, I'm much happier knowing that I'm on the right path to do so.
As strange as it sounds, there are times now where I can look in the mirror and see a girl, even though I'm stuck as a male.


just tell her you were joking, its a non issue.

That would be so much easier, but I have to consider lying vs all of the things that my family has done for me.
They have been extremely supportive through my depression, my physical health problems, and getting my life in order and on track.
The fact that they didn't boot me out on the street years ago is amazing in itself, so I feel that at the very least I cannot lie to them.


I can speak from someone who is growing my hair out from from nearly nothing since October 2010. Some of it is now brushing past my collarbone nowadays. Ive had some of it nipped to kill the split ends. I have zero hair loss . I do dye it an almond brown color to kill off the grey streaks.

I took some ribbing from my parents, friends, and my company president for doing this. I show up every day at work in a corporate environment in a ponytail. I was fortunate enough to prevail.

I own me. I cannot, and will not be defined by other people. I live this life for no one else....certainly not my parents. They brought me into this world, gave me everything so I could make it in this world, and I lived up to what they expected of me. I paid my debts to my parents (what ever I owed them financially) , and still do. I love them. They are my responsibility.

I am still me.

That's exactly it!
I own me, and it's no one's place to tell me how I should look or why.

Thank you all again for the words of support, nothing has yet been brought up but I'm still hoping it will.
I would rather explain everything calmly before hand rather than showing up with a ladies haircut and eyebrows and trying to navigate around anger and confusion.

[Ressie]

Mom's usually figure out what there kids are up to. Women's tuition and love for their children make them keen on what's going on.

[avant1465]

I must confess... I've never "boned" myself before.... and I'm curious as to what it feels like. Can someone enlighten me?

[Barbara Ella]

You have heard it, parents, moms particularly, are very keen to know what their children are up to. If she knows you are going to a therapist, she probably has an idea. If she has any idea, she has likely sought out some education on crossdressing and transgender issues. If she has done that, she is probably very apprehensive about pursuing the topic, and may never do it. But she will worry tremendously, and continue to worry when you show up with your changes.

You can take the first step. It will take a great big pair, but you can do it gracefully. Think about approaching her and opening with something like, Mom, I may have said some incomplete things that hurt you a few days ago, and I do not want you to be hurt by my problems. Would you like to talk about them?

This could be very hard for you to do, and you may prefer not to, but it could help you get closer to your mom and give her some understanding about what you are doing, you are not rebelling against authority, you are not acting out. You have a deep internal need to be who you really are, and just want her to understand you are not doing it just to piss your parents off.

Just an opinion.

Barbara

[DonnaT]

Yes, no matter what else happens, keep being truthful. You've already experienced depression, etc. No need to backslide into those pits again.

As for wanting to be a woman, just tell them it isn't really about wanting, since you feel you are already a woman inside. And you need to do this, for your mental well being.

[whowhatwhen]

I must confess... I've never "boned" myself before.... and I'm curious as to what it feels like. Can someone enlighten me?

I used it as a figure of speech here, but the internet is your friend.
;)

[Jill Devine]

Maybe you never outed yourself. She could've assumed you were being sarcastic...
Could be a non issue at the moment.

[whowhatwhen]

Maybe you never outed yourself. She could've assumed you were being sarcastic...
Could be a non issue at the moment.

That's another possibility, and as crazy as it sounds I hope it wasn't taken sarcastically.
I must be crazy to actually want this can of worms opened up, but that bloody shell keeps cracking.

Time will tell I guess, but I'm impatient and want it all done with noooowwwwwww.
:)

I wish I had the balls (metaphorical) to come out "non-accidentally".

[Kaz]

It does sound to me like you want it all out in the open and I understand the frustration. In my world my wife and at least one daughter 'know' but it is never discussed. I often want to have 'that' conversation, but whenever the opportunity presents itself with my wife, she won't let it go there.

Mothers are not wives... they don't want to live with you forever and have children with you - they would prefer you to leave the house and build an independent life (usually:)).. They will worry for you, but they will grow to understand...

You really do have choices to make and all the suggestions here are good... even if they are conflicting... could be your mother knows, or suspects... but that could have been a tease. When I was 17 I started growing my hair but that was because I was in a band and that is what we all did back then. My parents objected... a good friend told to just ignore them.. I did... then at 18 went to Uni and never looked back. Had great long hair for a few years then male pattern baldness struck (thanks for the genes Dad!).. If I could grow hair now it would be shoulder length!

You ignore things... take it slowly... or you 'have that conversation'... they are the choices! :hugs:

[flatlander_48]

I think I may have outed myself in the worst possible way and boned myself in the process.
Since I know just how much people looooove reading script style conversations I'll do my best to recollect how it went down.

After it hit the fan, the next step is a fork in the road. It seems that there are only two choices:


Fade to the background and be quiet. Never bring the subject up again. Quickly dismiss the subject if someone else bring it up.
Man up, or more specifically, woman up. Unfortunately you created the elephant in the room, so the thing to do is claim it.
As they say, you can't unring a bell. However, it is your choice to decide how to go forward...

[Annette Todd]

I know of unfortunate situations where parents have not been understanding or even willing to accept children who do not "act" as they want.

You can't please everyone. You won't be happy trying to conform to what someone else wants you to be. Be you!

Hoping for universal acceptance is a futile endeavor.

I hope your mom does come 'round. But don't waste your energies on dwelling on it.

Cheers

[whowhatwhen]

Again, thank you all for the words of support.
:)

I have no doubt that something is coming, in a few days I'll have enough money for my haircut/eyebrows and it most definitely will not be in a male style.
Maybe I've reached the point where what I want and what everyone else wants has just grown too far apart.

I do feel a bit selfish doing all this now considering the stress she's under and the depression that comes with it, but on the other hand how will I feel if I buzz my hair and lose all I've worked towards.
This has to be like .01% of what TS girls feel and have gone through, but I'm still a bit stressed over it all.

You girls who've come out and or transitioned deserve a metric f**ktonne of respect.

TL;DR:
I hate the idea of hurting anyone and the possibility of hurting someone hurts me.
If that makes any sense...

[Marleena]

IDK just be yourself. You don't need to explain anything. If your mom is concerned she'll have "the talk" with you. She'll initiate it I suspect. Mom's have ESP as far as far I'm concerned so I wouldn't worry too much.:)

[whowhatwhen]

I hope so, because once I said it she kinda lowered her head into her hands.
But then again she'd just been out with my brother for a bit and she's extremely, super-mega, ultra pissed at him so I can't tell if what I said was the reason.

I feel so bad for her, aside from doing most of the cooking, cleaning up, and whatnot I cannot help her with the things that trouble her the most.

[Marleena]

I hope so, because once I said it she kinda lowered her head into her hands.
But then again she'd just been out with my brother for a bit and she's extremely, super-mega, ultra pissed at him so I can't tell if what I said was the reason.

I feel so bad for her, aside from doing most of the cooking, cleaning up, and whatnot I cannot help her with the things that trouble her the most.

Well she'll get through it I'm sure. All moms have to go through the rebellious stage with their kids. They expect it.

[Annette Todd]

I wish I had the balls (metaphorical) to come out "non-accidentally".

I know exactly how you feel. Maybe halloween will be the perfect time... I have actually been challenged, or maybe dared is a better word, to wear a skirt or dress. The actual wording was "I love to see the reaction if ..."

There have been a number of times I have changed clothes before getting out of my truck after a long drive to fuel.

[whowhatwhen]

Well, nothing came up so either she didn't think I was serious, or she's pretending it never happened.
Unfortunately neither option is very good, but it's my responsibility for not bringing it up myself.

It's likely that I will be going for my haircut tomorrow, and I'm a bit scared honestly.
Not only do I need to muster the balls to tell the hairdresser that I want a ladies cut, but then I have to deal with the aftermath of this outing me for sure.

I feel so bad for her, she's under so much stress because of various family happenings only to see her son possibly slip away.
And here I go adding more stress and hurt to the top of the pile, yet, this is what I want for myself.

Honestly, I feel so selfish for wanting/having to do this.
I could get it cut short again, but it's not what I want and I've been pretty big on "owning my own body" and how important it is to me and my own path to discovery.

Sorry if this is a bit whiny, I needed to get this off my chest.
So I guess we'll see what tomorrow brings.

Edit:


// TODO:
// Learn proper sentence structure and flow damnit!

[Marleena]

If you're so worried about your mom what are the chances of you getting your own place and putting this off for a while?

[Leah Lynn]

You can look at it this way; I'm transgender. I have a birth defect. I was born with a male body.

[sandra-leigh]

I feel so bad for her, she's under so much stress because of various family happenings only to see her son possibly slip away.


Yeah, I know what you mean. This is one of the reasons it is difficult for me to talk to my mother about gender. I recently visited her for 2 1/2 weeks and couldn't make myself talk about it until I was packed and ready to leave.

My mother is old enough that a number of her friends are either dying off or getting Alzhemeir's. So she is doing a lot of grieving the last while. And then because of me, she is "losing her son" :(

[Inna]

One thing straight, "YOU ARE NOT CAUSING ANYONE PAIN!!!!" pain will be there as it accompanies most of precious leaps of faith and growth. All you are doing is allowing your mother to see your pain, and have a chance to help you, to hold you when you can not stand on your own, to carry you over the ruins of false self into the light. You see, love needs a chance to shine, otherwise love is merely a comfortable poise.
What if you kept the secret in order not to hurt your mom, you held the pain within, you think she would not notice, she would not shed a tear when you are not looking, but her not knowing how to help, how to rescue her own child from darkness would have been the worst pain mother can feel.
You give her hope a chance to help, to clarify, to see you finally embrace joy and soar towards the heights of wonder and truth.

truth has an astonishing way to surface just at the most wright time, don't fight it, embrace your path as it unfolds, your truth, your love, your life, but not be surprised as pain will surely welcome you into its arms, but not to annihilate but to shed the deceit and sorrow deeply encrusted around your soul.
As every mother knows, the beautiful birth of her child, a wonderful human being born into reality of this meager place is surrounded with pain, but how precious of pain it is, only mother can know!

[whowhatwhen]

If you're so worried about your mom what are the chances of you getting your own place and putting this off for a while?

Not very good I'm afraid, being unemployed and looking for work that goes along with my current health issues isn't easy.
I wish I could put it off though, it would certainly be a lot easier on everyone else but in my heart I would know that I compromised my true core and beliefs.


One thing straight, "YOU ARE NOT CAUSING ANYONE PAIN!!!!" pain will be there as it accompanies most of precious leaps of faith and growth. All you are doing is allowing your mother to see your pain, and have a chance to help you, to hold you when you can not stand on your own, to carry you over the ruins of false self into the light. You see, love needs a chance to shine, otherwise love is merely a comfortable poise.
What if you kept the secret in order not to hurt your mom, you held the pain within, you think she would not notice, she would not shed a tear when you are not looking, but her not knowing how to help, how to rescue her own child from darkness would have been the worst pain mother can feel.
You give her hope a chance to help, to clarify, to see you finally embrace joy and soar towards the heights of wonder and truth.

truth has an astonishing way to surface just at the most wright time, don't fight it, embrace your path as it unfolds, your truth, your love, your life, but not be surprised as pain will surely welcome you into its arms, but not to annihilate but to shed the deceit and sorrow deeply encrusted around your soul.
As every mother knows, the beautiful birth of her child, a wonderful human being born into reality of this meager place is surrounded with pain, but how precious of pain it is, only mother can know!

That is very beautiful, thank you.
:)

[Jorja]

One thing straight, "YOU ARE NOT CAUSING ANYONE PAIN!!!!" pain will be there as it accompanies most of precious leaps of faith and growth. All you are doing is allowing your mother to see your pain, and have a chance to help you, to hold you when you can not stand on your own, to carry you over the ruins of false self into the light. You see, love needs a chance to shine, otherwise love is merely a comfortable poise.
What if you kept the secret in order not to hurt your mom, you held the pain within, you think she would not notice, she would not shed a tear when you are not looking, but her not knowing how to help, how to rescue her own child from darkness would have been the worst pain mother can feel.
You give her hope a chance to help, to clarify, to see you finally embrace joy and soar towards the heights of wonder and truth.

truth has an astonishing way to surface just at the most wright time, don't fight it, embrace your path as it unfolds, your truth, your love, your life, but not be surprised as pain will surely welcome you into its arms, but not to annihilate but to shed the deceit and sorrow deeply encrusted around your soul.
As every mother knows, the beautiful birth of her child, a wonderful human being born into reality of this meager place is surrounded with pain, but how precious of pain it is, only mother can know!

I really have to get away from the technical aspect of things. That was beautifully said Inna.

[Marleena]

Not very good I'm afraid, being unemployed and looking for work that goes along with my current health issues isn't easy.
I wish I could put it off though, it would certainly be a lot easier on everyone else but in my heart I would know that I compromised my true core and beliefs.


Okay, then I go back to my original thoughts which Inna did a better job of saying.:) Sometimes we make mistakes in not following our own hearts and putting other's feelings ahead of us. I know I have some regrets from decades ago. Moms are usually the most accepting and loving of all people. Remember you did not choose this. It chose you and you need to make the best of it.

[whowhatwhen]

I guess we'll see soon...
:)

I hope I can get it done today, but it hinges on whether or not my brother pays me back the money he owes me.
Other than that it's a question of metaphorical balls.

For the past 2 years the same few girls have done my hair at a nearby magicuts, I just hope they'll be okay with giving me a ladies cut.
I know it's a business at all, but if she's not comfortable with it there is a chance she won't do as good a job.

Another thought is the fact that I might look a bit silly with more feminine eyebrows, and hair whilst still not having stated facial hair removal.
While that may be, it's more important to follow what I want right?
I keep telling myself I'm crazy.

[kimdl93]

I guess we'll see soon...
:)

I hope I can get it done today, but it hinges on whether or not my brother pays me back the money he owes me.
Other than that it's a question of metaphorical balls.

For the past 2 years the same few girls have done my hair at a nearby magicuts, I just hope they'll be okay with giving me a ladies cut.
I know it's a business at all, but if she's not comfortable with it there is a chance she won't do as good a job.

Another thought is the fact that I might look a bit silly with more feminine eyebrows, and hair whilst still not having stated facial hair removal.
While that may be, it's more important to follow what I want right?
I keep telling myself I'm crazy.

Even now you're creating obstacles where none are likely to exist. Telling your brother hinges on whether he pays you a debt. I think debts are still debts even to CDrs. Or your beautician "might not" do as good a job if you ask for a woman's cut? If that's the case, get another hairdresser! And the last one...can't do your brows till your facial hair is gone? Really? Unless you're willing to wait for lazer treatments or electrolysis, maybe you can always shave closely.

None of these are real barriers. I think you need to clarify what it is YOU want in life. Then quit building artificial barriers and do it.

[whowhatwhen]

You're right, excuses are exactly what they are.
Well, except for the money owed since I have exactly 41 cents in my bank. :P

Update:
He can't pay me back today, damn.
Postponed until tomorrow :(

[gracee]

That brother of yours... why not enlist his help? That's what brothers are for, especially if he's older. And he's on the outs with your mom? Form a team!

[whowhatwhen]

I would be a bit hesitant to be honest since he was the one who kept going on about me needing to come out of the closet, ect...
Not for my sake, but I think he just wanted to be right.

He'll probably find out when everyone else does, which could be tomorrow if I can afford that haircut.
:P

As much as I'm terrified and want to put it off, I'm not sure I can.
The distance between what I want and what is expected of me because I'm male has grown too far apart, going anything but all the way is basically saying "other people have more say over my body than I do".

I've already backed off once before, but there is no way in hell I'm losing the 5-6 months worth of growth this time.
I feel more secure in knowing that these changes are required for self understanding and discovery, I literally cannot move forward if I let barriers (possibly even invented) keep me back.

Again thank you for all the posts and support.
:)

[sandra-leigh]

You're right, excuses are exactly what they are.


I don't see any excuses. I see apprehensions. Excuses is when those ideas stop you. Courage is when you are scared and you do it anyhow. And being TG/TS is when you say "Brave? Huh? I wasn't being brave. I did it because I had to."

[whowhatwhen]

Well, today is here, there is money in the bank, and in a little bit I'll head out to get my haircut.
Honestly, I would be lying if I said I wasn't absolutely terrified.

In theory my next post will be of what happened, if you have any spare metaphorical balls please send them telepathically.

[josee]

You can do it! We've been there and are thinking about you. Metaphorical balls coming your way!!!

[whowhatwhen]

They came just in time.
;)

I didn't compromise on what I wanted, and I actually told the hairdresser I wanted a ladies cut.
So, she shaped it a bit since there is still lots more to grow. :)

I'm so happy that I kept true to what I wanted, that I said out loud exactly what I was looking for despite the fear.
:)

Nothing was said though, no outed confrontation.
Just a "how long were you going to grow it anyway?" and we talked later again about going a few shades lighter.

So I'm still essentially in Scroedinger's closet, but at least I'm the owner of my own body once again.

[josee]

Proud of you! It will get easier. Like you have probably heard a million times - just be yourself.

[Marleena]

Well good for you! You did it.:)

[kimdl93]

Glad to hear it...and you didn't need metaphorical balls...just resolve. The same resolve women have shown for the entire existence of our species.

[Jorja]

See that wasn't so bad. No bolts of lightning struck near by. :)

[Inna]

Small steps lead to grand future, all in time, you did it girl!

[whowhatwhen]

Again, thank you all for the encouragement.
:)

I'm still wanting more though, there is still a bloody man in the mirror!
>(

[Jorja]

Again, thank you all for the encouragement.
:)

I'm still wanting more though, there is still a bloody man in the mirror!
>(

Patiences grasshopper. It takes time to turn into a butterfly.

[PetiteDuality]

Well, we CDs tend to overreact sometimes. Mothers don't like long hair, and a way they have to discourage us is the "you look like a girl" speech.

[josee]

What a compliment!!! I love it when somebody tells me I look like a girl. Cause there's nothing wrong with being a girl.

Well, we CDs tend to overreact sometimes. Mothers don't like long hair, and a way they have to discourage us is the "you look like a girl" speech.

[jenny76]

its so true, alot of mothers hate long hair on their sons.. its tough to deal with sometimes, just gotta bear with it..