Ever feel like you're somehow too "good" for this?

[bimini1]

Like somehow as a man you should be above this kind of behavior? Like 'these' people are scum of the earth and then realize wait a minute I AM one of these people.
I feel this way when I get around family or co-workers. Like I am somehow part of the problem not the solution. Know what I mean?
Like why would I want to demean myself with this?

But then when I dress it feels soooo good, then in drab guilt guilt and more guilt. I thought I had been dealing with it well but I think it was just trying not to think about or process my true negative feelings about it. In some kind of reverse denial.

[sissystephanie]

I have been CD'ing for close to 70 years, and have never felt that I was too "good" for doing it. I have never wanted to be a woman, I just like to dress as one! That is my business, and only my business. My late wife did know before we married, and she was totally supportive. I never dressed in front of our children, and they did not know until after my wife passed away.

You may think you are part of the problem, but you are NOT demeaning yourself by dressing enfemme. You are just doing something that is perfectly natural for you! You are an individual, as we all are. As such you have desires, which may not coincide with the desires of others. So what? We are all different!!

[Kate Simmons]

Being an individual takes a lot of work and guts Hon. ;):)

[Missy]

At times I feel that I am better then this
I still struggle with dressing or not to dress in female clothing
after 40 + years of wearing bras and panties and other things
it has been a part of me if I stop now I feel like I would die or lose my self

[Marleena]

Bimini it just sounds like you aren't comfortable with being a Cder because of society's conditioning. You're hiding it from everybody by dissing it. You want to show people you fit in by hiding your true feelings. I think it's quite common.

[docrobbysherry]

Too GOOD for this? Actually, I often think pretty much the opposite! What's a babe like Sherry doing with a pathetic old jerk like me?

I DO wonder why I continue with this NONSENSE, tho! Until I look in the mirror! OH YEAH, huh?

[kimdl93]

I have been CD'ing for close to 70 years, and have never felt that I was too "good" for doing it. I have never wanted to be a woman, I just like to dress as one! That is my business, and only my business. My late wife did know before we married, and she was totally supportive. I never dressed in front of our children, and they did not know until after my wife passed away.

You may think you are part of the problem, but you are NOT demeaning yourself by dressing enfemme. You are just doing something that is perfectly natural for you! You are an individual, as we all are. As such you have desires, which may not coincide with the desires of others. So what? We are all different!!

Some of us took way too long to realize the truth of what Stephanie is saying.

[KellyJameson]

The question becomes whose standards are you trying to live up to.

Outside authority that has been taught to you, what is good (right) and wrong (bad) or your own beliefs that you have developed as a volitional act.

If you like to read, a book called the "Fountainhead" by Ayn Rand talks about the individual against the collective (all other individuals).

Conflict often comes from trying to be what we are not to meet the expectations of others so we waste life sitting in judgement of ourselves instead of enjoying the full
and rich experience that life offers.

[Tracii G]

Too good to express who you are?

[ReineD]

Bimini, men are socialized from an early age to reject all forms of femininity as a sign of weakness. It starts when men begin establishing their pecking orders in the teenage years to see who will dominate, who will win. Sixteen-year olds would DIE first rather than admit they enjoy watching a chick flick, unless they do it to score points with their girlfriends in which case it's a feather in their caps in their peers' eyes. :p

And I think that CDers in particular are even more prone to putting on a macho image in their younger years, as a mask for the inner needs they sense they have. And a CDer's feeling of disgust over appearing weak or feminine to others (not so much when he's alone), is even stronger I believe than in the average male once the male moves beyond early adulthood and becomes secure in who he is as he ages. You often see men who are unapologetic about enjoying to cook, or going to the theater, or any other activity you can think of that many teenage boys think is sissy. But, not so much CDers.

All this to say that your angst resides inside you more than anywhere else. In other words, you are your own worst enemy (and it's easy to understand why). Try to relax your definition of what a man should be, and accept your need to express yourself even if you do not feel ready to share this with anyone. The importance is that you should stop beating yourself up for who you are. There's no shame in having a feminine side or feminine urges.

:hugs:

[Babeba]

Like somehow as a man you should be above this kind of behavior? Like 'these' people are scum of the earth...

I think the scum of the earth is called, "algae". It does a good job at it, too! :D

To be honest, my personal opinion is that this really bothers me. Maybe I am reading a little too feminist into what you are saying, but 'as a man' you should be above feminine behavior? What does that say about women? What does that say about transpeople? A lot of each category are really nice, well educated and smart. A lot of others are not so nice or well educated or smart. Just like with men.

If the sexual aspects some people have with cross dressing is what bothers you, that is also an issue which is sort of baseless. So long as you hurt no one, does it matter how you play? Dan Savage (my favourite advice columnist of ALL TIME) calls bondage, "like cops and robbers for adults with your pants off." if that's cops and robbers for adults, then cross dressing is when adults never want to leave the tickle trunk!

[STACY B]

Bimini, men are socialized from an early age to reject all forms of femininity as a sign of weakness. It starts when men begin establishing their pecking orders in the teenage years to see who will dominate, who will win. Sixteen-year olds would DIE first rather than admit they enjoy watching a chick flick, unless they do it to score points with their girlfriends in which case it's a feather in their caps in their peers' eyes. :p

And I think that CDers in particular are even more prone to putting on a macho image in their younger years, as a mask for the inner needs they sense they have. And a CDer's feeling of disgust over appearing weak or feminine to others (not so much when he's alone), is even stronger I believe than in the average male once the male moves beyond early adulthood and becomes secure in who he is as he ages. You often see men who are unapologetic about enjoying to cook, or going to the theater, or any other activity you can think of that many teenage boys think is sissy. But, not so much CDers.

All this to say that your angst resides inside you more than anywhere else. In other words, you are your own worst enemy (and it's easy to understand why). Try to relax your definition of what a man should be, and accept your need to express yourself even if you do not feel ready to share this with anyone. The importance is that you should stop beating yourself up for who you are. There's no shame in having a feminine side or feminine urges.

:hugs: YEA,,,,, What She said ,,, Just cant get it out like that ,,,Thanks Reine D --- You have alot of Wisdom .

[Carrie R]

I had a lot of self loathing about myself for many years, I decided that I wasn't a crossdresser whenever I wasn't crossdressing and I tried to forget about it. I'm fine with it now and I'm a much happier person.

[max]

http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lyql8horym1qgcyd8o1_1280.jpg

[NathalieX66]

Bimini1, That's the way I used to think............That I could overcome the feeling of expressing my feminine side. ...you know, be normal like every other dude out there.
The feelings never went away.
Then one day in my early mid life, I decided to reckon with it, and just decided to go let go and see what became of it. I couldn't understand any of it, and wanted answers.

Lo, and behold, I turned out to be just another typical and boring transgender person.....not one that needs to go all the way, but not one that is happy living in secret as a home-only crossdresser. I am definitely beyond crossdresser, but I do not need extreme measures to feel happy within. I am already here. Life is good. :)
FYI, I can only speak for myself. Your situation, and others' may be different.

[Eryn]

Some of "these people" are the nicest people I've had the pleasure of meeting.

[Barbara Ella]

Have to agree that you have not formed a complete acceptance of who you are and what you do. The only problem i see with us is uneducated people who keep trying to convince everyone else that this is evil. Seems like they have to put way to much work into it if they had anything to stand on.

Barbara

[DebbieL]

Like somehow as a man you should be above this kind of behavior?

For me, I have always struggled, it's been like the girl argues with the boy.
The girl argues for honesty, integrity, "to thine own self be true", "tell them the truth so they can help you",

The boy is terrified, still afraid of the boys who beat him so severely from age 6 to 14, and the beatings only stopped when he hit one of the "biker gang boys". Seconds after he hit the larger boy, the girl took over, took him to the nurse, apologized, and turned herself into the principle for appropriate punishment.

The boy must lie, cheat, steal, sneak, and deny the existence of the girl, there is no integrity, no honesty, no sincerity, not much compassion, and the intellect is used to intimidate and bully others intellectually.

The girl finally came out, and for a few years, there was honesty, love, compassion, nurturing, happiness, joy, and fulfillment. I was more effective than I had ever been, and produced amazing results in every area of my life.

When the boy was offered status, power, wealth, and fame - if he'd burn the dress, the sneaky, slimy, liar took the offer. Unfortunately, by "burning the dress" or even just putting it in storage, the goose that laid the golden eggs was put in a dark room, barely fed, and stopped laying so many eggs. Soon, the boy had to cut more corners, hide the eggs, and try to make it last. There was a struggle, a war between the boy and the girl. Eventually, the boy hungered for what the girl could provide, but the girl refused to do the thankless job. The hunger grew, and so did the boy. The boy gained weight, over 160 lbs, until he was 325 lbs.

To keep from having another heart attack or stroke (the boy had both), the girl took over, demanding some freedom. The girl loved to diet and exercise, so she could fit into pretty clothes. She lost 85 lbs, and she started taking care of her body. When they went on the road, the boy would go to the office and go to work (with girl clothes underneath), and eventually, the girl would come to work by wearing girls pants, shoes, and socks to work, while the boy wore baggy shirts. After work, the girl would put on make-up, do a little shopping, eat healthy foods.

Of course, now that the girl was an older woman, she wasn't as pretty, as sexy, as sensual, and the make-up was more age-appropriate, which meant that most people didn't even notice her when she was public, she began to experience freedom. The boy still screams inside, scared to death that some drunk bully will realize that she's a boy and beat the daylights out of both of them.


Like 'these' people are scum of the earth and then realize wait a minute I AM one of these people.
I feel this way when I get around family or co-workers. Like I am somehow part of the problem not the solution. Know what I mean?

Every time I go to work wearing a suit, or pants and a coat and a man's shirt, I propagate the lie. Every time I wear loafers or oxfords with no heels, I propagate the lie. I have to lie to clients, to coworkers, to family members, to members of my church, to certain people who are too conservative to accept the concept of someone who is transgendered.

Every time I go out in a pair of fitted pants, shoes with heels, and the other "hints" of femininity, I have at least a small degree of honesty. When I wear nail polish, or my 3-stone ring instead of a men's wedding ring, someone notices, I have the opportunity to be honest, without being threatening. I can say "I'm letting my inner girl out", or "I'm a girl stuck in a boy's body". This gives me the space to be honest, to stop trying to avoid honesty - in every area of my life, my job, and my my relationships with my family and friends. I can be honest with my wife, let her know that I like that girl's pretty dress, and would like to be wearing it - not wanting to see what the girl looks like without the dress. Sometimes, she will tell me that it's too ****ty, which I know means that I'd get too much attention and end up getting clocked, but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't like to be looking as pretty as the girl in the dress.


Like why would I want to demean myself with this?

For me, the hardest part is taking off the make-up at the end of the night, especially when I've been dressed pretty and I have to go back to "boy mode" the next morning. It's like a condemned man going back to his cell, where he will be joined by his vicious roommate who will make life miserable (the boy), as he takes control. He doesn't even want control, he'd be happier just sitting back and enjoying the ride, or solving the technical problems and doing the geeky nerdy things, and letting the girl be the social butterfly, making others feel good about themselves, negotiating with authenticity and integrity to get a win-win situation instead of grudgingly saying yes to things he knows he can't deliver in a 40 hour week and end up working 60 hours/week and being upset because no one appreciates his extraordinary effort (necessary because of inauthentic negotiation).


But then when I dress it feels soooo good, then in drab guilt guilt and more guilt. I thought I had been dealing with it well but I think it was just trying not to think about or process my true negative feelings about it. In some kind of reverse denial.

As much as I love being pretty and passing, there is nothing so wonderful as when I can be in a situation where it is situation appropriate to be as beautiful, sexy, sensual, and pretty as I have always wanted to be, and able to take the world on on it's own terms and win. I love being dressed to the nines, walking into a room, getting read (or not), and bringing the entire room to life, turning a dull party into a hopping spot, getting men and women up and dancing by dancing with myself, then with the other girls, then encouraging the girls who are so inclined to dance with the bashful men coming tentatively to the floor, and putting on a show with the women who are so inclined. I don't get many offers, but the girls I dance with nearly always have a partner within 90 second of dancing with me.

The boy is just trying to make enough to survive and meet his obligations. The girl is playing a much bigger game, making a difference for the world, creating new possibilities for corporations, investors, governments, and organizations, and matching those who want to play with each other, and doing it anonymously (don't want them to meet Debbie and decide they don't want anything to do with the project as a result), changing the lives of 10 people, then 100, then thousands, then millions, and in some projects, even hundreds of millions or even a billion or two. The projects often start with a few hundred dollars per participant, and soon the pot grows to thousands, then millions, then $billions - to be distributed fairly among all of the thousands or millions of participants.

While Rex works as a contractor for a nice salary, Debbie has worked on projects such as the commercialization of the Internet (making it available to the public, getting publishers to put their content on it, getting banks to do financial transactions, and getting businesses to sell products), globalization (small development team in India, then competency centers with teams of 100 people and then hundreds of teams working effectively with "face people" who are at the customer's site, on conference calls, and telecommuting).

[Sara Jessica]

It just goes to show that there is nothing more beautiful in our world than self-acceptance.

[Cynthia Anne]

I've always been proud of who I am! And this is who I am! Any thing less would not be me!

[Nataliebabe]

Bimini, men are socialized from an early age to reject all forms of femininity as a sign of weakness. It starts when men begin establishing their pecking orders in the teenage years to see who will dominate, who will win. Sixteen-year olds would DIE first rather than admit they enjoy watching a chick flick, unless they do it to score points with their girlfriends in which case it's a feather in their caps in their peers' eyes. :p

And I think that CDers in particular are even more prone to putting on a macho image in their younger years, as a mask for the inner needs they sense they have. And a CDer's feeling of disgust over appearing weak or feminine to others (not so much when he's alone), is even stronger I believe than in the average male once the male moves beyond early adulthood and becomes secure in who he is as he ages. You often see men who are unapologetic about enjoying to cook, or going to the theater, or any other activity you can think of that many teenage boys think is sissy. But, not so much CDers.

All this to say that your angst resides inside you more than anywhere else. In other words, you are your own worst enemy (and it's easy to understand why). Try to relax your definition of what a man should be, and accept your need to express yourself even if you do not feel ready to share this with anyone. The importance is that you should stop beating yourself up for who you are. There's no shame in having a feminine side or feminine urges.

:hugs:

I am sitting here reading this thread and this quote and revisiting every feeling/emotion that I have had over the years. Early on as I discovered this side of me, I never wanted to get caught for fear of being labeled as some kind of pervert or sexual deviant. I never thought that I was better than anyone else who did this, I just wanted to know if I was the only one or not.

The men in our family would never approve of this at all. They were/are leaders, managers,stuffy old school business types. Boys don`t dress as girls and vice versa. I once asked to wear a pair of pj`s that my mom had(unisex, made of cotton and something else...feet in them too lol). My dad threw a fit. later on as an early teenager I dressed up for Halloween and spent several hours completely dressed with full makeup. I came back home after walking around town and to a few parties, plopped down on the couch(still dressed up and watched tv with my Dad and sister. I kicked off Mom`s heels. My sister laughed and my dad hollers, "Get that stuff off now!" Mind you, my dad and my grandfather for that matter were /are never ones to deal with their true feelings. Stern businees like, never show emotion, it means you are weak. I still have a tough time dealing with that now. Luckliy I am more in tune with my feelings than they ever were or will be. Grandfather is gone. Dad just retired. My wife likes to be around Natalie because she is more open emotionally, easier to talk to and more open minded. "He" is your typical male, sports, business,beer, babes, hunting, fishing and farting. My wife keeps telling me to use my women`s intuition more or to incororate more Natalie into his life. "He"....me has a hard time doing this because I am afraid that I will let the girl out at any given time. In Nataliemode, I stand, sit, talk and just generally move like a girl. I am scared sh!@#$%% that i will be found out as a CD. This is the part that I hate the most. I need more Natalie in my life to enhance or make things just a bit better. Sometimes I feel like I am so close to this but just cant get over the hump so to speak. Therefore, I don`t think that I ever did or ever would look down on people like me. Actually, I envy the hell out of those who are able to spend quality time enfemme and still incorporate more of her into their male side and still be "one of the boys". Rambling.....sorry, I know.... :)

[Meghan]

Bimini, men are socialized from an early age to reject all forms of femininity as a sign of weakness. It starts when men begin establishing their pecking orders in the teenage years to see who will dominate, who will win. Sixteen-year olds would DIE first rather than admit they enjoy watching a chick flick, unless they do it to score points with their girlfriends in which case it's a feather in their caps in their peers' eyes. :p

And I think that CDers in particular are even more prone to putting on a macho image in their younger years, as a mask for the inner needs they sense they have. And a CDer's feeling of disgust over appearing weak or feminine to others (not so much when he's alone), is even stronger I believe than in the average male once the male moves beyond early adulthood and becomes secure in who he is as he ages. You often see men who are unapologetic about enjoying to cook, or going to the theater, or any other activity you can think of that many teenage boys think is sissy. But, not so much CDers.

All this to say that your angst resides inside you more than anywhere else. In other words, you are your own worst enemy (and it's easy to understand why). Try to relax your definition of what a man should be, and accept your need to express yourself even if you do not feel ready to share this with anyone. The importance is that you should stop beating yourself up for who you are. There's no shame in having a feminine side or feminine urges.

:hugs:

First of all, what a well written response. I think it's easy to point to some internal source suggesting "this" is "wrong". That message is coming in from the world around us.

But the reality is, for me, is the fairly constant battle to suppress the urge to attract attention. I love bright beautiful colors that if were worn by normal men, would be laughed at.

My toenails area a different color each week. My wife is conspiring with our fitness trainer to get my body to look more feminine. The feminine urge wants out, and once it's let out, there is no going back.

I have stopped fighting those voices.

I shave my legs every day. Nothing ever gets said, nobody cares.

So push the envelope!

Meghan

[bridget thronton]

Quite the opposite I marvel that you folks allow me to play here

[Beverley Sims]

Yep! when I was 20 I felt more like a woman, living as one.
When I dressed up as a man I felt ooer! when can I put on a dress again.:)

[Cheryl T]

How could I possibly be "too good" for being ME??

[Marleena]

I think the scum of the earth is called, "algae". It does a good job at it, too! :D

To be honest, my personal opinion is that this really bothers me. Maybe I am reading a little too feminist into what you are saying, but 'as a man' you should be above feminine behavior? What does that say about women? What does that say about transpeople? A lot of each category are really nice, well educated and smart. A lot of others are not so nice or well educated or smart. Just like with men.



Hi Babeba I don't see it as anything against women at all. Boys are expected to stay boys. It's a rigid standard males put on other males. If we stray to the girl side we are considered freaks by the alpha males and worse. If anything a TG girl is happy to be a girl once she accepts herself. It is actually a compliment to women in my mind.:)

[Karren H]

Actually I know exactly what you mean.... I have always had this feeling that crossdressers are a bunch of strange weirdos ..... but I'm normal... lol. go figure.....

[suzy1]

When you say “Like somehow as a man you should be above this kind of behavior? And “why would I want to demean myself with this?” You are talking about someone like me.

Thanks for that.

[Madam Rose]

No your logic is flawed. I don't see myself above anything but white trailer trash and thats about it. But
i love being a crossdresserand will always be the beautiful peacock
i am.

[Ashley D.]

Like somehow as a man you should be above this kind of behavior? Like 'these' people are scum
OMG just reading that part of this offended me.
I would never call anyone that over something they have no choice in. Infact I would fill bad calling a methhead that.

[bimini1]

After reading all of your responses all I can say is wow I wish I had some of your attitudes and will continue to work towards that end. I didn't want to offend anyone it's just that where ever I go I get the feeling that the world sees this as one of the worst things a man could ever do. I am sick to death of this but the only way to deal with it is to accept that too.

[ReineD]

it's just that where ever I go I get the feeling that the world sees this as one of the worst things a man could ever do.

It's not as bad as you think, really. :)

For one thing, many strangers are a lot more accepting (or tolerant) than are closer family members or bosses, since they don't have a personal stake in your life.

My SO and I go out all the time, we are regulars at some of the places we go to, people have gotten to know us and they do like us. They're not faking it. Yes, the odd person here and there might judge my SO, but they mostly keep their opinions to themselves. But most people just don't care.

The reason a lot of people close to you might not be so understanding is because they DO have a stake in it. A boss might be afraid that he'll lose business if customers should find out. A wife might be afraid she'll lose friends. A parent might be afraid others will think they were bad parents, and a brother or sister might think their friends will laugh at them. And younger men in general feel threatened about all forms of feminine masculinity (homophobia). All of this is to show that most people are afraid of the same thing that you're afraid of, which is to not be accepted.

Yet if you asked each one of these people how they would feel if half the people on this planet were CDers and it were readily accepted, likely most would say they wouldn't have a problem with it (except younger men ... but wait until their 30s, and then ask them).

[bimini1]

I think it's these kinds of fears that is the main thing bugging me out. I ask myself why is it ME that has to do something that is sooooooo universally not accepted. I feel like I'm just not right.

[reb.femme]

It just goes to show that there is nothing more beautiful in our world than self-acceptance.

Couldn't agree more.
I just accepted that this is me....I like me, end of!

Whilst I appreciate we are all psychologically different, I seriously see nothing to question about me.

Rebecca x

[Cheryl T]

Actually I know exactly what you mean.... I have always had this feeling that crossdressers are a bunch of strange weirdos ..... but I'm normal... lol. go figure.....

So true Karren....you see, I used to be Schizophrenic, but WE'RE ok now!!

[Kaz]

I think it's these kinds of fears that is the main thing bugging me out. I ask myself why is it ME that has to do something that is sooooooo universally not accepted. I feel like I'm just not right.

Look at this a different way... you have a gift that these people don't have. You can look inside yourself and see possibilities. You can see a deeper person that is not bigoted, narrow-minded and demeaning to others. You do not wish to laugh at people who wish to express themselves as they are... yeah, you are different, just like all of us here. But these people are missing a world that is rich in experiences and adventure. They are confined and limiting themselves to lives that have been defined by others, scared to look outside the box that their chosen view of 'society' has put them in... Sometimes I feel genuinely sorry for them...

Now then... do you really think this social conditioning gives them some moral high ground? They are above us because they choose to live lives that have been mapped out for them and they don't have to think for themselves?

Sorry, I just don't agree with your argument, although I do understand your predicament. What I will say though is this... if you are a CD... this will never go away and you will struggle for life if you choose the other path. Self-awareness is a very important skill to develop... and self-acceptance and then self-development make for an very interesting life choice!

Right... rant over... back in my box! :D

[Kate Simmons]

We need more "ranters" like you Kaz.:battingeyelashes::)

[Sarah Doepner]

I think it's these kinds of fears that is the main thing bugging me out. I ask myself why is it ME that has to do something that is sooooooo universally not accepted. I feel like I'm just not right.

"sooooooooo universally not accepted"? We accept you. And in time you will find that there are a lot of others who do as well. Then you'll find even more who just don't care what you do. It's a matter of perspective and, as so many others have said, self-acceptance. If you can find a way to get outside the core group that is reinforcing that negative image for a little while, you'll discover there are other points of view that are just as valid. Discover that crossdressers don't fit all the negative and strange stereotypes that have been used to form that odd common image that deserves the "demeans" term. We are not pedophiles, serial killers or just here for comic relief. We are dependable members of families, leaders in our communities and faithful to our committments. We also do not conform to the stereotype of male gender and like to find a way to expand our understanding of life and enrich our experiences through crossdressing. We are not below anyone else and if you buy into that you are allowing others to determine your worth. You are right, just different.

And you don't have to jump out and get in anyone's face to tell them any of this. The next time you dress I want you to remember that I agree with you; it feels good, it feels right because it is right for us to do this. We need to nurture this part of our personality or the conflict will distract us from our obligations and have the potential to ruin those things that make our lives enjoyable.