What next?

[Dazed&Confused]

I've known since about April that my bf was into crossdressing. He'd been doing a lot of research on heels, corsets, etc...asking my opinion on them & such. After my birthday came & went with no signs of any clothing or shoes that he hinted about, I got curious & looked at an online wish list he had. (All public info) and found he had dresses, wigs, heels, thigh high boots (in his size), and . One link took me to a page of recently purchased items (breastforms, etc...). I finally asked him about it & he lied & said it was all for a friend (he rarely talks to his friends, so I know that's not true) He got mad at me & didn't talk to me for almost 4 days, only texted on occasion)
Now I know that he has 2 pairs of heels, 2 boots, corsets, jewelry, bras, etc...but he won't admit it. He says what he does in his time is his business, not mine. I love this man, but I don't want to be lied to anymore. At what point do I just bluntly ask about it? Or do I just let him do his thing? He knows I wouldn't have a problem with it as long as it wasn't something he did all the time. My self esteem & trust have taken a pretty big hit & I want to talk to him about it so bad to let him know how I feel. Advice?

[kimberly25]

I'd say you pretty much were as up front about it from your end maybe talk to him let him know that your ok. It took hy husband two years into our marriage to tell me that he had desires to dress. If your ok with it let him know. He is probably struggling with feelings of embarrassment and such just be there. Tell him your part of this site and that he should check it out to see he's not alone keep posting get up to ten so we can friend you

[Tracii G]

Well sounds like he lied about it to me and I'm sorry he did that to you.Maybe tell him how hurt you are that he didn't tell you the truth and how important trust is to you.
No way I could know his motive for lying to you because he knows you are at least open to the idea of his cross dressing.
You know he cross dresses so that item is out of the equation and thats a good thing.
I can understand that maybe he is still in the I'm not sure phase of his journey and doesn't want to cause you embarrassment.
Guys are funny when it comes to talking about things like this because its out of the proverbial box way of thinking.
You did the smart thing by joining here sooo see if he will join and you can put this behind you and have some fun with it.
Tell him if he dresses you know it doesn't mean you think he will turn gay LOL I have gotten that question a lot trust me.
He is still the same person you love just in different clothes.

[NathalieX66]

So much of all this is embedded into his own sense of self.
Find and agree to a resolution. You matter too.

[Lux]

First of all, kudos for taking the time join the forum to get as much info as you can before going off on your guy. Your are probably the exception amongst women when it comes to trying to figure this out so he is very lucky to have you. Obviously trust is paramount here but (as stated) he may be too embarrassed/ashamed to admit to all the purchases, etc. If you read more in this forum you can search "pink fog" which is where crossdressers will periodically go 'overboard' with looking at, researching, and purchasing items related to crossdressing. Here is to hoping he can take responsibility and be honest and walk through the door you are opening for him. Good luck!

[ReineD]

I can understand his reluctance to 'fess up. Countless other members here write about their reluctance to tell their SOs or family members because they're convinced their loved ones will think less of them. And in many cases, parents and siblings do give their sons and brothers a hard time over the CDing and he may have been burned in the past.

But what I don't understand is his level of anger with you to the point where he didn't talk to you for four days. You deserve to know who you are in a relationship with and what are his immediate goals with the CDing, especially when he's been talking about it with you since April. Personally, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who told me that it wasn't any of my business what he does. That's OK if someone's a neighbor, a classmate, or a co-worker, or even a casual friend, but a girlfriend?

Maybe you just need to give him some space so that he can figure out the level of intimacy and honesty that he wants in a relationship. I would also explain to him why you are stepping back; not because of the CDing, but because he is shutting you out angrily when you are prepared to support him. Ask him to take some time to think about how he sees things progressing with you and then let you know. And if he keeps his distance, it will be an indication that he's not prepared to share all of himself with you, and frankly this is not a good basis for a relationship.

[Dazed&Confused]

Thanks. This is all so new to me & I'm a pretty open person, but I've definitely shed some tears over the whole situation. I have mixed emotions like maybe I'm not woman enough for him? Then I feel like it could be a good thing. We used to look on craigslist & giggle at some of the personals on there...little did I know, he was most likely just wanting to see my reaction. We've been together just over 1.5 years & as far as I'm aware, he just started this in April, anf I honestly thought he was looking at all that stuff for me...until I saw the heels in his size & never saw any of the lingerie. Just 2 days ago, he was telling me about a pair of heels he wanted to get me...turns out, they're the exact pair he ordered the same day, but in his size...?!
I just don't know how to bring everything up again without him getting mad. Maybe blindfold him & slip a pair of my panties onto him? I just don't want him to get obsessed if he really understands that I'm open to trying it.

ReineD, I found out in April, but he didn't tell me & refuses to further discuss what I found because he felt like I was invading his privacy, etc...even though it was public & anyone could have found his list. We've been together just over 1.5 years & I thought we had a great thing all the way around, with the exception of this "secret".

[Joni Beauman]

Maybe he feels your exploration of his internet use/browsing was a violation of something he felt was private, despite the "public" nature of the information. It can be an intense feeling, this secret life many have led. Perhaps it is time to decide if you want this to remain a firm barrier or something experienced on occasion together. I wish I could be dressed with my SO, but she is only tolerant of Joni after hours, so to speak. If you could accept it, you might try the experience jointly if you are uncomfortable with the dual existence. And then go from there. Joni

[ReineD]

Please don't ever think you're not woman enough for him. This has nothing to do with you. :hugs: Your bf CDs because he's wired that way.

Maybe my suggestion earlier to step back was too harsh, given that you've been together for 1.5 years. Maybe the two of you just need to sit down together and have a long talk. But still, I'm concerned about your feelings that you must walk on eggshells so as not to anger him. That's not good, D&C. You're both equals in this relationship and granted, he is dealing with an issue that is difficult to deal with, but it's no reason to take it out on you. You're both adults.

I would bring it up by telling him that you feel hurt over the way that he treated you over this and you do not condemn the CDing at all in fact you want to support him, but you just want to know the truth. You don't want to be in a relationship with someone who thinks that who he is or what he does is 'none of your business' and the two of you can work together to figure out how you will both navigate through the CDing. And if he prefers to crossdress alone for now that's fine, but he shouldn't lie to you about it.

:hugs:

[Beverley Sims]

Because he is in denial you might need to show a perceived interest in seeing him dressed.
Go very slowly and he should eventually come around.
It is like a CDer trying to convince his wife that it is all good, but in reverse.:)
Lots of luck in your endeavours.
I will be interested in the outcome of reverse psychology.

[KellyJameson]

It may not be the crossdressing he is hiding from you but his sexuality, or lack of it.

It is only my opinion but I think it is easy for the sexual energy of someone who crossdresses to be turned back toward themselves instead of directed outward toward another person.

Think of it as a conflict between two opposing energies both seeking expression.

The energy that creates the crossdressing is the opposite of the energy that is male sexuality

Male sexuality "acts on" so it moves outward in search of another but crossdressing is the expression of an energy that wants to be "acted on" "to be seen" "to be beautiful" it is a "soft" energy even though very powerful.

If this soft energy is dominant than when his sexual desire (energy) wants expression he will turn to himself for pleasure leaving you outside his sexuality.

Sexual desire for a male is highest when his partners are changing because this is what nature intended so being monogamous takes work in that it goes against natures design, monogamy is a compromise for men who do not also have the energy that creates crossdressing.

The energy that results in crossdressing can combine with male sexual energy resulting in them being naturally monogamous if it does not turn inward by becoming to strong, it must be shared with a partner to keep the sexual energies focused on another instead of the self.

The energy that creates crossdressing is with the person at birth and than the sexual energy comes later and so is blended with it. Two energies living in opposition to each other and creating inner turmoil if they are not directly confronted.

[Cheryl T]

"At what point do I bluntly ask about it?"

I'd say you're at that point right now. I don't know about bluntly, but I would try to sit down with him and say look....I know...it's ok...let's talk about it.

[Jeanna]

"At what point do I bluntly ask about it?"

I'd say you're at that point right now. I don't know about bluntly, but I would try to sit down with him and say look....I know...it's ok...let's talk about it.

I agree, comunication is key and now is the time to dot it. Don't wait for it to resolve it's self.

[Amy Fakley]

I've definitely shed some tears over the whole situation. I have mixed emotions like maybe I'm not woman enough for him?

Reine said it, but I'll say it too: don't ever worry about that. I've never met your BF, but I can guarantee you with 99.999% certainty that there's no way that's the case.

Most of us are a complete mess on the inside, especially at the very beginning. I can almost guarantee you this didn't really start in April. I'll bet $$ he's been dealing with this in one form or another nearly his entire life and hasn't really come to terms with it. This seems to be a recurring theme in nearly every CD/TG life story I've ever read (though obviously there are quite a few exceptions as well). This is pure speculation, but I imagine that's why he's like "don't invade my space" ... not because he doesn't love you, but because it's a real mess in there and even he doesn't know what to do with it.

If he's ready, maybe you should ask him to join this forum.
For me, that's been one of the best things. There are so many wise and experienced people on here, many of who have been dealing with this longer than I've been alive. Just talking with people who've already been down all of these roads can help so much in the task of understanding yourself, and in turn knowing how to deal with this aspect of yourself in a relationship.

[Desiree2bababe]

Sounds as if you are open to the idea of him crossdressing, I think you should just sit down and calmly let him know that and share in the experience. Let him know he doesn't have to lie.

[Karren H]

Crossdressers are notorious liars.... just ask my wife!... sigh..... If he lied about that then he's probably lying about other stuff.... time to cut your losses and kick him to the curb, imho.....

[JenniferR771]

It takes time. He probably has not accepted himself yet. This is most likely internalized shame that results from societal disapproval of crossdressing. Or maybe parental disapproval in his past years.
He also feels his secret was exposed, personal space violated, probably not knowing you were able to check his purchases and wish list.
Take it slow--he will come around if you show a bit of willingness to understand. Perhaps there is a gift-giving occasion coming up--and a slightly femmy gift would suit the situation.
Do you own a wig? A nice wig lying around the house would work out beautifully, I suspect. Suppose you needed help styling it --and suggested he wear it while you comb it out.

[max]

Maybe blindfold him & slip a pair of my panties onto him? I just don't want him to get obsessed if he really understands that I'm open to trying it.

DO NOT force open a box you aren't prepared to deal with. If you pry this box open a lifetime of suppression will likely come flooding out. You sound in no way shape or form prepared or willing to deal with that.

[kimdl93]

He needs to learn to trust and you need to be able to regain trust in him. Honeslty, I think you need to confront this head on. Tell him everything that you know, tell him you can put the evidence out on the table if he still persists at denying, and tell him that its OK...he just has to be honest about it.
He's probably lying because he is ashamed of himself and he can't bring himself to be honest with you even when its obvious. In a sense he is in denail. And by showing you everything, admitting everything, and seeing that you can accept him, he can learn to trust and perhaps learn to overcome his inherent self loathing. In the process, perhaps you'll regain a measure of trust in him.

[Tracii G]

He needs to know its ok to unload his feelings to you and that you accept and understand.
Guys have this "space" thing anyway but he is dealing with that 10 fold right now and its tough.Maybe he really hasn't got a handle on himself yet so I think he is searching for answers at the moment.
Coming here would help a lot.

[Chickhe]

Dazed... Sounds like you don't object to his CDing so just tell him that. Even better, if you decide it could be enjoyable then tell him that too. But, at the same time don't make any assumptions about his intentions because for the most part he probably doesn't have any answers...he probably got defensive for that reason...it is a process of discovering who you are that can take years and there is a lot of personal space required to figure at lot of it out for himself (lots of experimenting). He may not be ready to include you because he may also want a 'normal' guy/girl relationsship with you and feels insecure about the CDing. If all the other parts of your relationship are working, just go with that. The Cding is just one small unusual aspect of his life, don't make a big deal out of it and it won't be one. One thing I've done with my wife, is to just include her in the fun, I publically dress up on halloween, but otherwise its a private escape for me...doesn't mean I want to be a woman or anything and the rest of the time I want to be respected as male. The approach you take should be more about going along for the experience and helping him with his presentation and not trying to understand it (or making assumptions about how he feels). ...and it may take some effort to convince him you are there for him. Good luck.

[Marleena]

D&C it sounds like your BF is ashamed to be a CDer. When you found out he ordered the clothes he was caught and thus he got angry. Self loathing and denial is common among Cders. He needs to accept this is part of him or the anger and denial will continue. Good luck with it because it sounds like you would be okay with him doing this.

[DonnaT]

One key to any long term relationship is trust. He's lied and broken that trust, but he's probably been in denial so long, that being truthful about CDing is very very hard for him to accomplish.

Knowing that, sit down with him and start the conversation about trust. Explain how trust is essential to a relationship. Ask him if he believes he can trust you in all things.

If he says no, then tell him its over. If he says yes, then start talking about his apparent need to cross dress. Don't take any lies, and tell him you know a lot already. Don't argue or raise your voice.

Let him know you care more about him being truthful than you do about his CDing, and that you can accept his need to CD, up to a point. Explain your limitations.

But know that many of us, when given an inch, try to take another inch, then another. This will cause some stress. Being able to handle this aspect is also essential to the relationship. If you don't think you can handle it, then bow out gracefully.

[Dazed&Confused]

Sorry for the late reply, been crazy busy!

I think KellyJ is right on the money with the sex thing. He has a toy that, again, I'm not supposed to know about & that plays into the whole thing. I haven't asked & he hasn't told. He's also is not willing to initiate sex most times. I chalk it up to his ex-wife not ever wanting it, so he gave up trying. I figured after 1.5 years of him knowing I'm usually always ready & willing, he'd want it more, but he doesn't.
I know where he keeps his stuff, and am about to ask to see it for myself. I have mixed emotions in the sense that I'm not 100% ready to see him like that, but in the same sense, its a turn on. I don't know. I need a therapist! LOL

[ReineD]

You may both need a couples' therapist, D&C, if he foregoes sex with you when you are ready and willing, in order to do it solo. At least it is something to talk about with him since over time you may find this frustrating and you may begin to develop resentments.

... or, you may give up too.

[Davena Doll]

"He got mad at me & didn't talk to me for almost 4 days, only texted on occasion" Do you two drive, or ride the school bus. You looking though his stuff is not cool. Him lying to you is not cool. Cowgirl up and ask him about it.

[docrobbysherry]

DazedandConfused, there's some good speculation written above. Since we haven't heard from your BF, that's all we can do at present! However, I can add some personal notes:

When I first began dressing late in life, I was VERY frightened and confused! I thot I must be turning gay! I had fantasies of having real breasts and becoming a female! I was filled with shame because of my thots and fem desires! Maybe your BF, as a new dresser, has similar fears and feels shame? After 15 years, I've resolved the "gay" and "wanting to become a female" issues. But, still am dealing with the guilt!

Sex is an integral part of dressing for me. So, that makes parts of my dressing VERY PRIVATE! It would be difficult to share it even with an SO. Because it's become such a personal, peculiar, shameful, yet exciting, activity!

[Dazed&Confused]

Y'all are helping me see all sides of this & I really appreciate that! I can tell he's stressed about something (maybe this?) because he's been kind of withdrawn for several weeks. Not as willing to talk about much. He did, however, leave a window open when I told him that if the shoes were his, I might want to see him in them. He said he's not opposed to doing that (dressing), if its something I might be interested in. Now...to get him to fully open up!

[Brenda Freeman]

When I was a young man I would have just died if someone found out! I was emabarrassed by it and felt less than a man. I am not sure of his age but he may have similar fears. On the other end my dream fantasy was to find a woman who would want to help dress me up, help with make up and enjoy my femside. How to put those together would have been tough as I would have had to expose my worst fear being outed. His being exposed probably scared the hell out of him thus the lie, denial and absolute fear of what might happen next. I think if you can show him that you actually would love to learn more and be there to help when ever he is ready as you want to know everything about the person you love. When he can get past his absolute fear, I am sure he will open up. I wish I found someone like you when i was young, I might have come out of my hiding place sooner, though I am glad where i am today. Good luck I hope he can open up and appreciate your desire to get to know all of him!

[Annette Todd]

It sounds to me like he thinks he got caught doing something he may be confused about himself. If you are ok with him being a cd then that is great. Limitations though either imposed by a SO or self imposed may be a difficult thing to deal with. I feel the CDing is, in itself an obsession. So, by imposing a condition that you don't want it to become an obsession is an oxymoron.
I would suggest having an open an honest conversation that is approached from an open-mind is the best way to go. Let him know you want to talk about his CD and that your finding out does not mean you're dumping him.

Good luck

[Annie D]

You need to make it crystal clear to him that he has broken your trust in him; not by how he chooses to dress but in his credibility. If you can't trust him to tell you the truth and discuss it with you then that specific issue of not being truthful is cause to cease a relationship. I can think of several scenerios when lying to your partner/SO is a serious matter; anywhere from using funds from a checking account for personal purchases without the other one's knowledge to being unfaithful and I am not talking about being unfaithful in a sexual nature. I have always been cautious about bringing a second women into the relationship that I have with my wife and I always need to let my wife know that I love her more than I love Annie. I think that if I loved Annie more than my wife then I am being unfaithful.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi D&C, That;s not a very good wat to start a relationship.