my wife wants me to tell the kids! eek!

[jackie k]

I have 5 kids. 23 to 12. 1 is mine, my son. My sons 1/2 sister and 3 step children. My son (19) would never understand. But he just left for college this morning. Recently I told his sister (23) and she was extremly ok with it and said "now we have more in common. My wifes daughter (22) and her son (20) I know would be ok. The one that worries me is the youngest (12). He is adhd bipolar and a handful, let alone being 12. The fact that my wife assures me it would be ok, I am still very aprehensive, needless to say. A life time of guilt and shame and secrecy made ok with the support and understanding of my wife. I don't know what to do.

[Eryn]

If you tell the 12-year-old, you will likely be out to everyone. Expecting a child that young to keep your secret isn't really realistic.

The adults are probably OK, even if they aren't OK with it. The ones who are OK will respect you, the one that isn't will likely keep the secret out of shame.

[Alice B]

I agree with your wife. If she is OK with it then let everyone know and get it over with. Just make it very clear to the 12 year old that he may not blog about it and I think he will respect your wishes.

[Barbara Ella]

This will not be all you out there alone. you will have your wife by your side to help explain things. It will definitely be most difficult for you, but sometimes you just have to accept that the wife may have the insight that is uniquely feminine, bless their soul.

Talk it through with her and the two of you will know how to do it with him.

Barbara

[Michelia]

Only you can make that decision. You have to base it on your child's personality and what you know about him. No one else can tell you what is right for you.

I told my son when he was 6 years old. He has been my companion and partner in crime ever since. We are very very close as a result and have forged new ground and broken down barriers all around us...together! He is 12 now and has never ever commented about my dressing to anyone that was not supposed to know! He also knows I have been out with guys and many other things some of our friends would be appalled by...or at least would not understand. Kids can keep secrets without it being a detriment to them. But I know and trust my kid wholeheartedly.

If you are going to tell him... do not waste any more time. He will soon have a lot more issues to deal with than he can handle....

[Sandra]

Just make it very clear to the 12 year old that he may not blog about it and I think he will respect your wishes.


That is not fair to expect any child to keep quiet and they shouldn't be out under pressure to keep quiet.

I'm all for telling children, most already know something is going on anyway, but don't ever tell them not to say anything.

[kristinacd55]

It certainly isn't an easy thing to do, I told my daughters (26 and 21) last summer and we really haven't discussed it that much in the year that's followed. We are slowly discussing it though, and following them finding it out, my other sister in law and my nieces found out also. Once the cat's out of the bag, then a lot more people do find out. You know what? It's been a LOT easier than I thought it was going to be.
The decision is ultimately yours, and if you feel in your heart it's the right thing to do then do it! :)

[Shari]

I'm trying to figure out what telling the kids would accomplish.
Is it so you can dress around them anytime you please? You indicate that you might not be comfortable with that. What's in it for your wife and what would it do to the rest of the family?
Might as well take out a full page ad in the newspaper if your're going to tell a 12 year old.

[Alana Wests]

I agree that a measure of discretion should be observed here. The child is 12, and the concepts of image, gender, and a whole mess other things have only begun their wild and crazy path to understanding within his life. It is possible with his teen years ahead of him that in moments of weakness he could weaponize your secret against you by spreading it. Teenagers sometimes hurt those they love most due to experiencing their own (sometimes INTENSE) insecurities. There's no reason this couldn't wait until he was a bit older, like after 16 when he gets a (slightly) better understanding of responsibilty and adult topics.

If it was pressing to tell him immediately, you could talk to those awesome kiddos that are already in the know and accepting of you to guage how the youngest would react. They might help you figure out the right timing and venue, as siblings see a different side of each other than the parents do.

Maybe you could get the 23 year old to support you while you told the others in stages; young adults are often more accepting of things when they see their peers are as well. Then once the early 20-sometings are all on board and have each other for peer support, they could get your back when you tell the youngest.

I feel like at least where I am kids have come a long way in understanding topics like gender and CD, etc.. It s very uplifting!

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Jackie, I'm not sure that telling your 12yr old is a good thing now I
thank that he already has enough problems in his life.

[linda allen]

...... The one that worries me is the youngest (12). He is adhd bipolar and a handful, let alone being 12. ............ .

He would worry me also. All that has to happen is for him to get mad at you one time, and he will out you. He can hold your secret against you as a sort of blackmail.

You - "I forbid you to go to the mall tonight." Son - "If you don't let me go, I'll tell everyone that you wear women's clothes!"

Just remember, you can't unspill the milk.

[Kate Simmons]

The best way other than a neon sign to let everyone know who you are.:)

[Amy Fakley]

your wife wants you to tell a bi-bolar 12 year old?
that is literally one of the worst ideas I have ever heard. That kid has enough on his plate already. He doesn't need this to deal with. Unless you're completely out of the closet ... literally do not give a hoot who in the world knows ... well you won't even need that neon sign Kate was talking about because telling this kid would be twice as effective.

The adults? Sure ... definitely. If you're in your 20's you can handle it.

[max]

Who you tell is YOUR decision NOT your wife's.
I agree with mfakley here:

your wife wants you to tell a bi-bolar 12 year old?
that is literally one of the worst ideas I have ever heard. That kid has enough on his plate already. He doesn't need this to deal with. Unless you're completely out of the closet ... literally do not give a hoot who in the world knows ... well you won't even need that neon sign Kate was talking about because telling this kid would be twice as effective.

The adults? Sure ... definitely. If you're in your 20's you can handle it.

[linda allen]

Who you tell is YOUR decision NOT your wife's.

Once anyone knows, it's their decision to tell others. You can't stop them from doing it. You can ask them not to, but they can tell if they want to.

[max]

Once anyone knows, it's their decision to tell others. You can't stop them from doing it. You can ask them not to, but they can tell if they want to.

Someone who would betray your trust like that doesn't deserve to be your partner.

[Madam Rose]

I say you should tell them. But do it slowly.

[BRANDYJ]

I am not one to tell anyone who to tell. Other then some rare circumstances, I don't agree with telling minor children. Unless you are TS or planning on going 24/7 with your being a CD, why tell? I think kids have enough on their plate then to be told their parent is very different then their peers at school. It could make them feel as some sort of outcast. To me it's kind of like telling your kids what you and their mother does in the bedroom. Needless to say that's private and personal and no child even wants to think about their parents having sex. I always question the real motives behind telling young children. It can be a very selfish act just so you can dress around them. All my life I've been able to handle the urge or need to dress away from any children in my life.

A few here said it's up to you as to who to tell and not the wife's decision. I strongly disagree with this inconsiderate attitude. Your wife is supposed to be your partner and should have a say so on any issue involving the kids or the household in general. I think it is very disrespectful to not have your wife's opinion on issues this big. Where's the partnership in such a relationship?

I'm far from being an expert, but I think it's risky business to tell a 12 year old adhd bipolar child about what to me should be your private life. The risk of him telling friends, neighbors, classmates is very strong. This can backfire on you and more important, the child.

[kimdl93]

I tend to go with those who say that you need to listen to your wife on this one. The youngest may be a handful, as many 12 year olds are, but your wife must have confidence in how he would respond. Have you asked your wife why she feels this would be the appropriate time?

[linda allen]

Someone who would betray your trust like that doesn't deserve to be your partner.

Does he deserve to be your son?

[max]

Does he deserve to be your son?

I already said he shouldn't tell him, then you quote the one about his wife and I respond to that, and now you are acting like I was talking about his son? Are you trying to be deceitful?

[Beverley Sims]

The secret is already out.
There may be enough information going between the offspring to judge this at a later date.
It might just be too soon to tell.
Review the situation periodically and ask advice of those that already know.

[Emily359]

If your wife is supportive and thinks you can tell them. Why not? I'd love to have a family member backing me when I finally tell my brother, but I won't. Anyway, your older son will just have to deal. It might be hard for him, but there are far worse things you could be than a guy who wears dresses, right? He'll hopefully come to realize that it's not such a huge deal and you're still his dad. your young son may or may not keep a secret. You need to be prepared to be outed if you tell him.

I tend to think that if you have a wife who knows you and loves you, that should be enough to help you deal with any backlash that may come from people finding out. You have her. What does it matter what other people outside the family think? Obviously that's easy to say and much harder to convince yourself of in reality, but I think you can manage.

That said, whether or not right now is the correct time is up to you, not your wife. I think it's probably something that should happen sooner rather than later, though, if you plan on doing it at all.

[linda allen]

I already said he shouldn't tell him, then you quote the one about his wife and I respond to that, and now you are acting like I was talking about his son? Are you trying to be deceitful?
No. I was resonding to your post. Not several posts, just the statement in that single post.

[jackies wife]

i'm working on my 10 posts so I might as well start here- Hello everyone, I'm Jackie's wife- there are a couple things going on in my head-

1- I don't think you should have to hide who you truly are from people you love- ever, that may be overly naive of me but its how I feel-i had a cousin who died recently because of his secrets and I felt horrible that he for whatever reason felt his family wouldn't still love him

2- my biological children are not your average children, they think of other people first before themselves, almost always- plus discrimination of any sort is a no-no, always has been, as a matter of fact it's my biggest no-no, number one on my list- i helped write one of the first municipal laws in the nation providing some protections in housing, employment, etc due to gender identity or sexuality (it passed in 94 or 95 but i wrote it in 93), my oldest son is gay and he never felt the need to be in the closet, my children all know i'm bisexual (i didn't broadcast it but i didn't hide it either) yet they've never told anyone or tried to use it to their advantage-sexuality and gender identity are not something they have ever seen as wrong but they do understand that other people sometimes do - they also know that if someone trusts them enough to share something of this nature with them, that it is not their secret to share with anyone else

3- the youngest is very feminine himself- he walks, talks, and just moves like a girl- he takes my makeup fairly regularly and I wouldn't be surprised if as an adult he has the same need, matter of fact, i'd be shocked if he doesn't - i dont' want him to think its something he has to hide from those he loves

4- as for the non-bio child, i dont' want him to feel betrayed- he's told me things when no one else was around that lead me to believe he'll take it better than what Jackie fears; however, who Jackie does or does not tell is her choice- i support her in whatever she wants to do and i feel that part of that support includes helping her feel she doesn't need to hide who she is in her own home where she's loved for who she is regardless of what the outside package looks like

[giuseppina]

Hello Jackie and Jackie's Wife

I would be very careful of telling your 12 year old. I think it would be a good idea to consult his psychiatrist in advance to see what (s)he thinks. I am making this assumption because in Canada, only psychiatrists can make an official diagnosis of bipolar disorder and ADHD.

Not keeping secrets is a laudable goal, but in doing so, you may be giving your 12 year old a responsibility for which he is not ready. I don't know your son, but I'm inclined to think with the bipolar disorder and ADHD together with imminent if not occurring puberty issues, he has more than enough on his plate at this time.

[katie_barns]

I have never been a big believer in others deciding who a person should tell. I know a couple of CD's that have told their children and it turned out ok but they were totally public with everyone. Why not the children in that case. If you want to limit those that know, telling a child might not be a great idea. Bottom line it is your decision not your wife.

[Janet77]

Is their some reason for them to know? Are you planning to have them participate in your crossdressing activities? If not, why would you tell them? It really is your personal decision, but I don't see any upside to telling your minor children about it.