I did it. I told my wife. And she's okay with it! (I think)

[wtbanon1]

I did it.

After nearly 9 years of marriage, I told my wife that I'm a fetishistic crossdresser. And she's okay with it.

The sequence of events was a bit of a rollercoaster though. On my last day at GenCon, I commented on Facebook to my friends that I was a bit jealous with how much fun the folks in costume were having and that I was thinking of doing that next year. Then I joked that maybe I'd go as Scarlett O'Hara. Two of my friends thought that would be a great idea, and then my wife said that she thought I'd make a lovely Scarlett. My eyes bugged out, and I was so happy.

After talking with my friends (who are into historical costuming) about possible costumes and issues with corsets and such, I mentioned to my wife after I returned that I had been talking with them. She said, "You're not doing that, it's so wrong!" After some discussion she said, "You WANT to do that?" At that the conversation ended and I fretted about it for a couple of days.

Finally I had The Talk with my wife yesterday. I told her pretty much everything: That I've been aroused by women in Civil War gowns since before I was aroused by women, period. That one of my fantasies was for her to walk into the room, dressed all in rubber, with a black corset, heels and then tie me down, whispering that she was going to dress me up in a corset, petticoat and gloves...and then do it. And that I've wanted to dress up as Scarlett for an incredibly long time.

She was a bit stunned, but she seems okay with it. I'm hoping that it's not a front, and that she just said that because she didn't want to hurt me at that vulnerable moment. Still, I'm going to take it slow, but this will dramatically improve our marriage I think.


I'm a pretty happy guy right now.

[franlee]

Congradulation! Now enjoy! But let us know how it's working.

[kimdl93]

Give her some time to digest this.

[~Joanne~]

I agree with Kim, give it time, do not push this on her. She is undoubtedly running this through her head since it came to light and probably will have a lot of questions and such for you when it fully digests. Be prepared to answer them truthfully and go from there.

[JeanneF]

It sounds like you have found one of the more non-confrontational ways to approach the issue. She didn't catch you with a stash of women's clothes or a bunch of tranny porn sites in your browser history.

I've found that my wife is often way more comfortable with the fetishistic aspects of crossdressing than with the gender identity side. Cosplay is a cool way to explore this side of you.

[Bree Wagner]

First off, I'm totally jealous you made it to GenCon this year. It's been a long time since I've been and I can't wait to get back.

For the bigger issue: congratulations! I hope things go well for the two of you and you can have fun exploring this part of your relationship.

Good luck!

[Kathi Lake]

To me, the biggest red flag is the last two words in your title (I think).

Is she going along with this in an attempt to support you - even though she may disagree with it (otherwise known as "being a woman")? Possibly. And that one word - possibly - can ruin marriages.

Don't 'think' she is all right with it. Find out. Ask her. Talk to her.

Kathi

[Beverley Sims]

To me, the biggest red flag is the last two words in your title (I think).

Don't 'think' she is all right with it. Find out. Ask her. Talk to her.

Kathi

Kathi has it right. "I think". That shows some doubt on your part.
So sit back and see what happens. Do not be impatient.

[wtbanon1]

To me, the biggest red flag is the last two words in your title (I think).

Is she going along with this in an attempt to support you - even though she may disagree with it (otherwise known as "being a woman")? Possibly. And that one word - possibly - can ruin marriages.

Don't 'think' she is all right with it. Find out. Ask her. Talk to her.

Kathi

Well, she's said she's okay with it. I asked her several times, and asked if she had any questions (along with explicitly pointing out that I'm not gay or TG, in case she was worried about that).

I'm hoping that she'll see how much better this makes me feel in our marriage.

[wtbanon1]

Kathi has it right. "I think". That shows some doubt on your part.
So sit back and see what happens. Do not be impatient.

<nods> I have doubts because a) I know that I've said on occasion that I was okay when I wasn't. b) I have a tendency to doubt things constantly.

[Amy R Lynn]

I really hate to make anyone worry, but I'm probably going to here. She is going to be thinking about this for the next couple days, weeks, months, etc.... She may seem ok with it all now, but from what I have read and seen that can change. Just be cautious and don't try to push her into always accepting this. It would be so much easier if it wasn't such a big deal, but more times than not it seems to be. Just be cautious and take it slow with her.

If you are just a Fetishitic crossdresser then she knows now. However if your dressing goes on further than that, you really only told her part of the truth. She could get upseet if she finds or thinks that there is more to this, and you didn't tell her about it. My point is, be completely honest with her. And give her some time to digest it, as everyone has said.

[Kelly DeWinter]

I think I hear the Theme song from JAWS. Be prepared for a lot of questions, "She was a bit stunned' says a lot.

[Marleena]

Hang on for the ride, it could go either way once she has time to think about it. Good luck.:)

[wtbanon1]

I really hate to make anyone worry, but I'm probably going to here. She is going to be thinking about this for the next couple days, weeks, months, etc.... She may seem ok with it all now, but from what I have read and seen that can change. Just be cautious and don't try to push her into always accepting this. It would be so much easier if it wasn't such a big deal, but more times than not it seems to be. Just be cautious and take it slow with her.

If you are just a Fetishitic crossdresser then she knows now. However if your dressing goes on further than that, you really only told her part of the truth. She could get upseet if she finds or thinks that there is more to this, and you didn't tell her about it. My point is, be completely honest with her. And give her some time to digest it, as everyone has said.

<nods>

No, my cards are on the table now, so to speak. I'm really not interested in taking this beyond the bedroom and costume events. I'm not going to push her into anything right away at all. All I've mentioned so far is a possible costume convention next year and measuring myself for a male corset for a Rhett Butler costume (a suggestion from a friend of mine to ease her into this).

[Emily359]

Is she normally open about her thoughts and feelings? Communication is incredibly important. My ex said she was fine and that it was no big deal, all while bottling up her pain until she finally exploded a couple of weeks later. Make sure you talk and give her opportunities to ask questions. Note that by "talk", I don't mean "shove it down her throat", just be observant and see if she seems like she's struggling. If she is, let her know that you're willing to discuss anything with her.

Is she the only person offline who knows about you? If so, that can be a huge burden. My ex went behind my back and told a friend of hers who had dated a crossdresser, because she just couldn't handle knowing and not having anyone to talk with. Maybe you should tell your wife that she doesn't have to feel trapped with this huge secret, that she is free to seek support. (This forum may or may not be of help to her, depending on her current feelings on the matter)

[JohannaSophia]

I think you are correct to offer your wife the opportunity to be a co conspirator in your costume activity, hopefully it will tickle her fancy and not be something she is eventually uncomfortable with.

[Allsteamedup]

There is a world of difference between stuff in yhe bedroom/historical enactment and telling her you cd.

You haven't told her at all!!

This apparent back-door method is going to get you loads of trouble. Either be honest with where you want this to go or get the eventual fallout, which could have ramifications which affect the rest of your lives.

[wtbanon1]

Is she normally open about her thoughts and feelings? Communication is incredibly important. My ex said she was fine and that it was no big deal, all while bottling up her pain until she finally exploded a couple of weeks later. Make sure you talk and give her opportunities to ask questions. Note that by "talk", I don't mean "shove it down her throat", just be observant and see if she seems like she's struggling. If she is, let her know that you're willing to discuss anything with her.

Is she the only person offline who knows about you? If so, that can be a huge burden. My ex went behind my back and told a friend of hers who had dated a crossdresser, because she just couldn't handle knowing and not having anyone to talk with. Maybe you should tell your wife that she doesn't have to feel trapped with this huge secret, that she is free to seek support. (This forum may or may not be of help to her, depending on her current feelings on the matter)

Yeah, I think she's pretty open about her thoughts and feelings. She tells me frequently the things that bother her in normal discourse. :-)

But yeah, I plan on occasionally asking her if she's still okay with it, and she can ask me questions, etc. We have two friends who know (the aforementioned historical costuming enthusiasts), and I've told her that, and she can talk to them. I don't think she has though.


I think you are correct to offer your wife the opportunity to be a co conspirator in your costume activity, hopefully it will tickle her fancy and not be something she is eventually uncomfortable with.

Yep, that's my hope. I just want her to support me in this, but if she'd get enthusiastic, I'd be in heaven.


There is a world of difference between stuff in yhe bedroom/historical enactment and telling her you cd.

You haven't told her at all!!

This apparent back-door method is going to get you loads of trouble. Either be honest with where you want this to go or get the eventual fallout, which could have ramifications which affect the rest of your lives.

Perhaps I wasn't clear on this. I'm not a classic crossdresser. I'm not interested in passing on a frequent basis. I'm not interested in getting dressed up for a night on the town. It really is something I just want to explore in the bedroom as a fetish and for getting dressed up in historical costumes.

[Chickhe]

Wow...I'd say too much information! But if it works for you, why not? To dress up in period costume, I think would be pretty easy for anyone to digest...it is just a costume afterall. The main thing is attitude, I think if you can sound excited and brush off any negativity you just do it and have fun for the moment...it doesn't have to mean a life change!

[BLUE ORCHID]

Ok the ball is in her court now , Don't rush the net let her take her time now you don't want to be hit with a fowl.

[wtbanon1]

Yep. We had a brief convo again today, and I asked if she was still okay with it and reiterated that I'm open to any questions. She said she was okay with it, but was keeping the enthusiastic stage in a 'we'll see' state.

Best I could hope for at this point I think.

Thanks for the support!

[Millie]

Congratulations. My wife also is very supportive. She wants me to be Millie as often as possible. Also after 20 years of marriage we both disclosed that we are both bi-sexual. These passed few months have been the least stessful for both of us. We've never been happier. We communicate much more than we ever have. There are no more secrets between us and our love for each other has never been stronger. We should have told each other long long time ago.

Good luck and have a happy marriage.
Kisses Millie

[wtbanon1]

I've been closer to my wife the last week than I've been in years.

[Momarie]

Dear God,

Please Bless this poor woman (and I suppose her husband too...)

Good God man (you with a whopping, AWESOME total of 12 posts)

Are you hoping or trying to kill her?

[wtbanon1]

Not really sure what you're getting at there? :-/

[wtbanon1]

Just a bit of an update here.

I think my wife is slowly warming up to this. Not to the point of getting excited, but accepting, which is all I'd hoped for.

I've talked some more about crossplaying as Scarlett O'Hara next year, and just recently talked about getting makeup to practice and she gave me some suggestions on getting the right concealer and foundation for my skin tone.

So things are going about as well as I'd hoped!

[kimdl93]

She seems to be trying to be supportive. Just keep the conversation going...and please, don't just talke about what you want. Most of your conversations should aim to encourage her to talk about her feelings and concerns. The more she talks these through, the easier it will be for both of you.

[Jess Marie]

Patience is a virtue that you better hope you possess right now. It will take time to process what you told her.