Can Crossdressing Make Us Better Men? *Disclaimer: It's a bit long.*

[Ambergold43]

Hi everyone. Just wanted to write down a random musing I've had lately and get some reactions and comments from you all. So, here goes:

The male-to-female crossdressing community is probably one of the most misunderstood and over generalized communities in the world... at least from what I, personally, have heard and read. The only thing people really do know about MtF crossdressers is what we present to our societies, whether out in public or on sites like this. In my opinion, it is therefore healthy, and necessary, to scrutinize and critique how we as a community present ourselves to the world in general. I think, though, that if we allow the best aspects of our feminine personalities to meld with the best of our masculine personalities, crossdressers can potentially been seen as being more well rounded and emotionally deep as individuals and as a community, instead of perhaps being seen as just "men that play dress-up" or whatever...

Now, I'm gonna get a bit critical (but don't worry, its got a point):

Often times, as crossdressers I think we think we can just put on a dress, heels, a wig and we just swap genders, whether it's to be more feminine, or to express a feminine side, etc. Where do our notions of femininity come from exactly, though, and what aspects of it do we really try to emulate? It is my observation that even though we do break and subvert gender norms every time we crossdress, we are often times actually reinforcing them. To me, the feminine stereotypes we often create can be problematic, as it can seem like our understanding of women and femininity is relatively shallow. For instance, assuming that loving to shop, loving to wear makeup, or believing that specific mannerisms or words are inherent facets of femininity simply reinforces gender stereotypes, which is really what most crossdressers wish to break free from, right?

In other words, what I have really pondered lately is whether we, as crossdressers, place too much emphasis on the physical appearance of femininity, to the detriment of really understanding and incorporating the other aspects. While yeah, it is fun to play dress-up and everything, isn't there more to gender, and femininity in particular, than just wearing or not wearing specific clothing or makeup? If so, why couldn't those deeper aspects be incorporated into our own masculinity? To me, the answer is yes there is; and I think, perhaps ironically, that those aspects can, and should make us better men in the process.

"But how?" you might ask. Well, to start, have you ever wondered why there needs to be a separation of our "gendered" personalities, anyway? If we really do understand our feminine selves, as a number of us say we do, couldn't we incorporate and express emotions such as empathy, vulnerability, and all those feelings men aren't "supposed" to understand or feel into ourselves to make us more complete men? Aren't these deeper emotional aspects more important than simply wearing female attire?

As crossdressers, I think we occupy a unique position to recognize and understand, to some degree, the complexities of both genders... at least as social constructs. This can be very valuable in all our lives and in all our relationships, as it can give us an edge in understanding various issues from a distinctive perspective, as opposed to "our fellow man." For instance, we all like to be complimented on our looks while dressed up (it takes us a long time to get ready, after all!), so knowing this, we should know how important it is to compliment our wives, girlfriends, or SO, to let them know how pretty they are. Think about it, most men will never understand how such a small thing can be such a big deal, that can be a plus for us. For those of us who have significant others who know about our CD'ing, we know that even though they may or may not understand why we do it, they still care for us and are there for us, emotionally. Similarly, we should try understanding theirs, and other's, emotions as well, and take their feelings into account, even if we don't understand why they do or don't do certain things. For me, emotional vulnerability (a feeling men aren't "supposed" to know) is something that I have learned to work on, and incorporate into my whole person... even if unsuccessfully at times.

In short, I believe getting in touch with, and understanding, one's "feminine" side as a crossdresser can (and should) involve more than just wearing women's clothes and painting toenails. And further, if we are able to get beyond just the physical appearance aspect of it, I believe those more important aspects will not only make us better people individually, but as a community as well.

Of course, everyone's personal lives and experiences vary greatly and it would be impossible for me to be so specific as to try to include everyone's. This is obviously meant to be relatively short, concise, and general so I hope you'll forgive me if you think I over-generalized, left your experience out, or something.

[Kathi Lake]

Well of course we do it this way! If we were women (or men for our F2M types), then we wouldn't be crossdressing, now would we? :)

It is totally noticeable on this site how much testosterone we have flowing - and I'm just as guilty myself.


We have a photo forum where the 'winners' are those that are the 'prettiest'
We have thread after thread comparing the number of bras, panties, or shoes we have compared to, "those poor women that just don't understand what it is to be feminine."

We are misogynistic, shallow, competitive, and many of the things that women daily accuse us of being. But you know what? We're trying.

Compare us to the mythical "normal" male; where he is content to 'wallow' in his beliefs and feelings, we are trying to rise above them. Where he is just fine with the status quo, we often join with our female sisters to change perceptions and, hopefully, lives. Where he would never demean himself as to wear that which was 'below him' we eagerly seek to.

So, yes - this is a bastion of manliness, but we're working on it.

:)

Kathi

[kimdl93]

Honestly, I don't think being TG makes us inherently better spouses...or better men. What makes a better spouse is being loving, honest, caring, communicative, mature and a variety of other characteristics which are not unique to cross dressing males. What makes a better man - well that concept really eludes me. The fact that I'm "in touch" with my feminine side doesn't make me better. It just means I have some interests that are atypical for someone of my birth gender. But I will accept Kathi's assertion that to the extent that we act courageously to change perceptions and support each other, we are better people.

[Kate Simmons]

I've been expounding on this very thing off and on on here for 6 years now. Most don't get it. I think the best thing to do is to just toss it all in the air and let the pieces fall where they may. My one rule for friendship is to always just be yourself, whoever that may be as that is the person I appreciate. :)

[ElleduSud]

You give me hope. Thank you for posting this, Elle

[sabrinaedwards]

I do believe that being a crossdresser has made me a better overall person. I have more empathy and tolerance than a lot of my male friends. Of course while dressed, I do act in a more feminine fashion. I observe that in my driving habits; I am definitely less aggressive while in a dress. The persona I present while dressed from head to toe is so much softer. And yes the competive side comes out in who is the prettiest, most fashionable, etc. GG's are like that also. Great post.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Amber, I try to be a great spouse no matter what I am wearing
When I get dressed I the to be as much a lady as I can be.

[Beverley Sims]

If you start out as a macho crossdresser and believe that GG's should be kept barefoot and pregnant and in the kitchen, then wearing bras, panties, negligees, nice dresses and perfume does have an impact on your views.
I have a book "Understanding women." It goes to 144 pages and they are all blank.
Yes! you do develop more understanding of women after dressing for a while.
No I still do not understand women, sometimes.:)

[Jolene Robertson]

Hi Amber, good post. My wife says that my conversation has changed as I have become more open and honest about feelings and emotions since I came out. I have also realized how much the attire affects the way that I feel when dressed a certain way. And the time spent getting ready to go somewhere, what outfit to ware to this place as opposed to someplace else, which shoes, what hair style... As a man I used to get a little annoyed with how long it took (just throw on a pair of slacks or jeans a shirt, socks and black or brown shoes and I was good to go). But as a woman there is so much more to consider.
So in answer to your question I and my wife think (YES) it does make at least me a better man/husband.

Hugs,
Jolene

[Claire Cook]

Well, I don't know how many of us identify with that great Tootsie tag-line: "But I was a better man with you, as a woman... than I ever was with a woman, as a man. You know what I mean?"

Like so many other issues, we have different responses here. I would like to think that I identify more with women, and perhaps understand them more, now that I have accepted myself, and my interactions with GG's who know Claire seem to be much more relaxed and open. (Plus we can talk about lingerie sales!) Seriously, I think it has strengthened our marriage, and hopefully I've become more in tune with Sue's feelings. I mean, for forty years I rarely bought flowers, except on special occasions. Now, it's whenever the mood strikes me :). I like to quote Lacey Leigh's "Out and About: The Emancipated Crossdresser" so here's another one that I identify with:

"One way that being transgendered has helped our marriage is that I've become a better listener, more empathetic and less inclined to lose my temper .... I like the nicer person I've become."

So do I ... and I'm trying to improve.

[franlee]

Simple answer is YES! will it? That's just a matter of learning from the experiances, and that is alway good either way they turn out. You never learn to much and empathy is a great gift.

[GeminaRenee]

Amazing post! Thank you...

I will say that I do struggle with the idea that I am reinforcing the social construct of what it means to ostensibly 'be a woman.' This is especially difficult for me, since as a man, I consistently strive to throw off those social constructs which have been prescribed for me. At the same time, my dressing very much reinforces those constructs. I am aware that my female personality does not know how to shrug off those same constraints. Perhaps it is because that side of me, the actively physically presenting-as-female side of me is so embryonic in nature. I bothers me, but I fail to see how I can crossdress without continuing to perpetuate it.

This is not to say that fulfilling these socially constructed expectations rounds out my idea of the female experience, or my appreciation of it. I have long held a tendency towards typically 'female' thoughts or feelings. My ex wife often remarked on the idea that being with me was like having a little bit of a girlfriend in a man's body. I took that as a compliment of the highest order.

I do think that this experience can make us better men - mainly because it allows us to step outside of the stereotype which we are expected to fulfill. I do try to compliment women that I date, because I know what it means. I can offer a foot rub when it's needed most, because I know how wearing heels all day can hurt. But even more transcendentally, I think that applying the things that we learn from incorporating femininity into our own lives can make us better people simply based on how we treat others, regardless of gender or their relationship to us.

[BRANDYJ]

I have felt for many years that I am a better person better man for being a CD that emulates the stronger and better sex...women. Part of that transformation is to take on the attitude, the values, and the mindset of what I admire and see in every day good women. It seems to help temper the more macho attitudes that are associated with being male. Of course I sometimes wonder if I am a crossdresser because of the mostly female values within me, or do I have those values because I am a crossdresser. Either way, I am happy and proud of the blend.

[ReineD]

It is my observation that even though we do break and subvert gender norms every time we crossdress, we are often times actually reinforcing them. To me, the feminine stereotypes we often create can be problematic, as it can seem like our understanding of women and femininity is relatively shallow. For instance, assuming that loving to shop, loving to wear makeup, or believing that specific mannerisms or words are inherent facets of femininity simply reinforces gender stereotypes, which is really what most crossdressers wish to break free from, right?

Cudos to you, and absolutely! :)

Although we can't generalize, there seems to be a good amount of emphasis on boobage, leg, and tushies in the Gallery pics, or the ultra feminine with flounces, elaborate hair, elaborate makeup, and accessories. There is also a definite focus on being alluring (I'm referring to the poses and also all the boudoir shots), which is not the way that most GGs present themselves in their day-to-day lives, unless they are young, single, and at a club looking for mates. lol. My SO and I had a discussion about this a few years ago and she explained to me that if she were to just wear what I wear on most days (nondescript blue jeans or jean skirt and regular tops with little makeup), her appearance would not sufficiently mask her male gender cues and she would be read more easily. I agree with her.

Still, she is quite practiced at going out and she has managed to put together a look that does emphasize her femininity without objectifying women through emphasis on specific body parts, nor is she too elaborately dressed … although she does have a weakness for jewelry. But, I think there is a learning process to presenting realistically like a contemporary woman which only comes about when a CDer leaves her closet, even if she goes out in the next town over. :)

I have another observation, about the threads that discuss feminine gender roles. It seems that many of the CDers adhere to stereotypes with wishes to be sexy secretaries, Hooters Girls, or the like, or their dream is to take care of "their man". I can't help but believe these CDers are rather fetishistic and they either don't dress to express an inner femininity, or they need to catch up to the twenty-first century.

I remember reading a piece by Helen Boyd, author of "My Husband Betty" some years ago. She wrote that when her husband started to transition, Helen had to give her lessons in feminism so that Betty would stop feeling as if her role in life was to be passive or subservient to men. I think that if CDers want to experience contemporary womanhood, they need to do the same thing.



If we really do understand our feminine selves, as a number of us say we do, couldn't we incorporate and express emotions such as empathy, vulnerability, and all those feelings men aren't "supposed" to understand or feel into ourselves to make us more complete men? Aren't these deeper emotional aspects more important than simply wearing female attire?

I have many men in my life: father, uncles, brother, sons, nephews, friends, neighbors, etc. And I can say that most men that I know do express empathy, sensitivity, and vulnerability and they are nurturing, especially all the young dads whose wives also work. Contemporary males have come a long way since John Wayne and Oscar Madison. I agree that if a CDer has compartmentalized his softer self while growing up in order to hide or suppress his feminine tendencies so that no one should ever guess what resides at his core, then he needs to get past this, and better integrate himself. :)

Still, even once integrated, if a CDer does not fit into the gender binary there will still be a need to present as a woman, but hopefully she can do this in the style that I mention above with an absence of objectification and stereotyping.

[Lee Andrews]

I would like to think so if I used my Grandad and Dad as a templates. My dad was your typical macho man. He treated mom like a maid at times, had that, 'this is mans work that is womens work' thing going on. Had no time for gay people or anyone that was not 'normal'.I didn't like the way he treated people at times. Wasn't his fault, it was the way he was raised.

Do I do any of that? At times, some. But I take a few steps back when it happens. I never treat my wife as the maid, if anything I do my fair share of the housework because she has some crazy hours running her small business and I don't want to have her come home and feel the need to do chores after a long day. Hell I do 90% of the laundry and she loves it. Dad wouldn't dream of it. 99% of the time it is in full boy mode with Lee not even in my mind. I never rush her when she is getting ready to go out because I know it is hard work to look that good. Or should I say it is for some of us, she's had a lot of practice :D In a VERY small way I understand what is is to be a woman. She gets all the love and compliments I can muster. As someone else has said I know what it feels like to get that "Honey you look great in that outfit and I love what you did with your eyes!" compliment.

We have a few Gay friends, they are great people. I see them as just that, people, who are different from me but not in a bad way as I was lead to believe in early childhood. Being who I am and what I do for a hobby I've realised I am not a freak as general society labels me, just different. Hence my attitude towards anyone 'different', do what makes you happy, you only get just one lap around this track called life.

I would hope that being a cross dresser is the reason I have become the person I am. Breaking the chain of super macho, closed minded men in my family tree is not a bad thing. Don't get me wrong, I loved my dad and grandad. If it took a pair of heels and some nylons to soften the edges a bit, so be it.:battingeyelashes:

[Pexetta]

There is also a definite focus on being alluring (I'm referring to the poses and also all the boudoir shots), which is not the way that most GGs present themselves in their day-to-day lives, unless they are young, single, and at a club looking for mates. lol. My SO and I had a discussion about this a few years ago and she explained to me that if she were to just wear what I wear on most days (nondescript blue jeans or jean skirt and regular tops with little makeup), her appearance would not sufficiently mask her male gender cues and she would be read more easily. I agree with her.

It is great to hear that you picked that up and that your SO was able to explain. I have tried to get that same concept across to several GG friends over the years and not always been understood. To mask those male gender cues, I have to do things that my female ideal wouldn't need to.

[outhiking]

I always treated my dates and now my wife the way I'd want to be treated, as a lady and an equal. I think my cross dressing experience and the desire to be more feminine, while masked, did make me more understanding and caring as a man.

[lexie89]

well i never really understood guys conversations that much never liked football or cars i was mostly into the girls conversations about fashion makeup and stuff dunno i was just understanding that much better then the guy ones but eh. Yes wold be for me

[KellyJameson]

Very thoughtful thread Amber

In my late teens and early twenties I sexualized the crossdressing simply because I loved the power and so I contributed to the sexual objectification of womens bodies by objectifying myself.

I know now that it came from an emptiness caused by the rejections of childhood and attention from others equalled love and the world taught me that I could use my appearance this way.

I made the mistake of substituting power over others for love from others, I fed on their attention but risked becoming addicted and never discovering the true reason for this addiction to attention.

I do not think this need will ever go away because the scars run to deep but I am able to ignore there effect from understanding their pull so escaped the addiction to attention but it was very difficult and like all addicts I know it is there wanting and waiting to be fed.

Beyond insecurity was another world waiting to be discovered and your words for me certainly touched on it.

This is where the true experience and adventure really begins, beyond the applause and into the solitude where you do it purely for the self absent all others.

For me femininity is sensitivity, it is an unasked for openness that allows the world to pour in and often the reaction is to kill it because it hurts but when you make it your friend you stop
making war on yourself.

The sensitive often feel unloved and are difficult to love because of their intensity and the complexity this causes, so we look for ways to be included.

Using beauty for love is deadly, particularly if the only way you can love (accept) yourself is if you are beautiful.

In my opinion you are on the right path, stay with it and go into it. Find your feelings by avoiding the desire to sexualize the crossdressing.

I did and I believe it saved my life even though I still have not thrown away my mini skirts.

[Sarah Doepner]

Can Crossdressing make us better Men? - Sure. Does it? It seems to be a case by case decision and probably as individual as each of us. In my case I think it's helped me become a better person but I'm hard pressed to decide if I'm a better man. I'm still not sure where to draw all the boundaries between man/person/woman beyond the purely physical definitions. How can I say it's made me better at anything? I'm much more accomplished at makeup than most of my friends who don't know about Sarah, but I don't know if that would traslate to better in their eyes if I shared it. I've become more at ease in becoming a caregiver over the last several years but that could easily be due to the needs accumulated by my wife's cancer than my crossdressing. In a statistical analysis it can be possible to control the variables to try and tease out the real cause and effect relationship, but I don't have the stats here and don't know. I never liked little children or babies, I was an only child and rarely was around small children even when I was one. I started crossdressing on a regular basis and my wife and I got children in our life and later grandchildren and I became more comfortable with the little ones. Was it maturity or constant exposure or crossdressing or threat of doing hard time if I accidentally damaged one or was it just the right thing to do and right way to behave? I can't answer the question. I've always been emotional and have cried at the most inopportune times as a guy. As a boy scout during a meeting and during gym class in high school both come to mind. Dressing in a skirt and wearing makeup didn't get me any more in touch with my feelings, but maybe interacting with others when I was crossdressed gave me a different set of behaviors to try on as well. The trick is to find those that improve me and then incorporate them into my composite self in some beneficial way. I do better appreciate what women are expected to do to become "attractive" and I am much more attuned to the importance of promoting diversity in society and I can link both of those to crossdressing. The rest of it is a guess. I still haven't figured out what makes me feel so comfortable when I crossdress, but I'll keep working on it and let you know if I ever figure it out and if it makes me a better person. If it makes me a better man, I'll probably share it with my buddies to see what they have to say.

[Ashley D.]

I know being TG makes me a better me. Not exactly a better man.
I and every one around me has seen what I'm like with out being my femm self and he is a unhappy a**.
Thankfuly that guy is gone for good.