Avatar Moment

[Sophia Claire]

So, I’ve had an Avatar/Dances With Wolves moment tonight. I lost touch with which of me, Sophia or the other, is the real me.

I removed all of my facial hair (I’m starting to pluck my beard and it’s looking pretty good. I don’t get much in the way of ingrown hairs, so it’s pretty good, if slow. I really want to get laser hair removal), waxed my legs (this was an unmitigated disaster), got all dressed up, I even tried some really subtle contouring with my makeup. I was very pleased with the result! I donned my wig and poured myself a martini or two… I looked gorgeous and I felt wonderful. I was on cloud nine. I felt like I was high. But, like all good things, it had to end. It came time for me to dress down. I frowned as I removed my heels. Grumbled as I rolled down my stockings. And the more clothing that came off, the more distressed I became. Finally, I removed my wig. I knew I didn’t look the same, but I never EVER dress down in front of a mirror. I put on my nightgown and robe (I always wear a nightgown to bed) and went into the bathroom to scrub my face, brush my teeth and wash my hair. I did most of this without looking at myself in the mirror, or at least noticing my reflection. I scrubbed my face and then rinsed the suds off. I splashed some cool water on my face and then reached for my towel. As I dried my face, I caught my reflection.

…

The person looking back at me was not me.

Not the real me. Was it? Which is real? Is the woman in my soul the real me, or is it the man I was born? I wept. I wept because I can’t be who I am inside. I have to adopt this façade to, what, protect the sensibilities of those around me? Why do clothes matter so much? It seems such a small thing, to cause such a problem, doesn’t it?

I’ve always harbored a woman in my soul, and when she comes out, we're both very happy, but this is the first time I’ve ever cried because I had to return to drab. Now, some of you may have noticed that I’m not an extremely emotional person.

More accurately, I am very emotional, but I express them internally with very little external evidence that I am in distress; but this is the first time I’ve ever cried over this. Has anybody else felt this way? Am I the only one?

[Kaz]

No Diane you are not alone. This has happened to me as well. I now often feel that Kaz is the real me and the guy I see is some role I am fulfilling to meet the needs of my family. This is not true of course as I like expressing both sides of me... but when I am truly transformed into Kaz... changing back gets emotionally harder each time.. :(

[Sophia Claire]

"Diane?" typo or reference?

[Diversity]

Hi Sophia Claire,
That was a nice post which emitted much emotion. Thank you for sharing. In answer to your question, I have not felt as strongly as you have, but then again, I am new at this. I do feel for you and wanted to write to give you my best wishes and hope that you don't get down on yourself, but rather embrace both factions of your being and appreciate each one of them. I wish you well, and am sure that in time, you will find peace within. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Di

[Sara Jessica]

The result of tweezing your face leaves your face looking much different than the guy mug that usually peers back at you. Something about the utter lack of shadow & stubble, it's priceless...just as the emotion you described. You had a true moment of being. Those moments cannot be planned or contrived, they just happen.

[Jeanna]

Yes I have felt and like you do. I have come to realize that the happiness that I derive from dressing is an expression of who I really am. Do you think that you might be trans gendered? I know that I am. Sadly,given my life's circumstances, transition would be impossible without hurting people that I love.
I wish you the best. Be happy when it's Sophia time and be happy when it's not because she is never going to leave you:)

[Kate Simmons]

Sophia, It is a part of us and a reflection of who we were previously. Eventually all of these facets of ourselves come together.I have achieved bringing them together and know for a fact that this is my last incarnation. :)

[Erina]

I don't know if this is a dumb reply.
I don't know you as anyone else than Sophia. The person I direct this reply to is fully Sophia, that means you. How you might look right now is irrelevant. That you're unable to properly dress or be understood by others in the right manner might be a tragedy, I don't know. But you are no less you, you sence yourself and we see you. You are not totally suppressed

Sorry, I haven't had a moment like that yet. Why do you suppress your emotions in general?

[Sarah27]

I know what you mean, I look in mirrors constantly and I can't stand looking male and wearing male clothes. Every night I dress up, usually american eagle jeans or a skirt and a shirt with some sandals, and put makeup on so the next day when I see myself in a mirror and get depressed about looking male I just have to remember how I looked the night before and it brings my spirits back up.

[kimdl93]

Not at all. I have the same kind of feelings each ime I'm forced to shift into male mode. And as Kaz says, the shift back grows harder each time.

[Cynthia Anne]

You are by far not alone! You could of been talking about me and the way it's been all my life! Hugs!

[STACY B]

Dont worry about washing it off,, You gotta do it so you can replace it from time to time ,,, I do it an I feel good about it ,,Cuz I know there will always be next day to do it all over again ,,GGs dont keep it on all the time . Start your laser an keep up your regament an you WILL see the real you even without all the war paint . She in there you just have to polish her up so we can see what you see ,, Then she will be looking back with or without all the stuff . You cant hide it once you pull the TRIGGER .

[Annie D]

I think that most of us go thru what you have described. Unfortunately, I did not tell my wife about Annie before we were married and I would secretly dress when she was gone and when she would return and I would be changed back to male mode, I used to be angry with her for returning and ending my session. I knew that I loved my wife and couldn't keep treating her as the villan, so I finally told her and my reactions quickly changed as we were now in this thing together.

Additionally, what has helped me is that I have somewhat feminized my male self by getting my ears pierced, gone hairless (legs and arms) and let my hair grow out to shoulder length currently. This helps me to feel somewhat feminine all day and when I dress, it more like that I am going out shopping or somewhere special.

[Sophia Claire]

Why do you suppress your emotions in general?

Well, there are two reasons. First, I've always been much more emotional than the average guy (which was my first core that something was different about me).it got me into some trouble with the gender Gestapo, so to fit in I learned to keep it inside. Which is contributory to the next reason. I find overt displays to be a breach in one's poise. Also, for the longest time, no one understood my emotional outbursts, so eventually I came to the realization that it's none of their business.


Do you think that you might be trans gendered?

I am, I just don't normally feel like this.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Sophia, when I start yo un dress after I take off my wig I don't even want to look in the mirror.

[Pexetta]

I caught my reflection.

…

The person looking back at me was not me.

This really 'speaks to my condition' as the Quakers say - I've been getting this a lot since I started using a wig in femme mode. When I look in the mirror afterwards it's like seeing a favourite actor out of character. Ultimately though I feel it's a positive thing, it shows that I'm starting to believe in my female 'presentation' even though perhaps other people still might not.

[Inna]

Hey girl, I am so happy for your tears, and that is because these are the sign of crumbling shell of denial.
Once this starts truth is never too far away!

Love, Inna

[reb.femme]

First, I've always been much more emotional than the average guy (which was my first core that something was different about me).it got me into some trouble with the gender Gestapo, so to fit in I learned to keep it inside.

Hi Sophia Claire,

No, I've not had that moment that you experienced but I am the weepiest man at a funeral or sad occasions, hence the the quote. If I feel the emotion is valid, I'm not the slightest bit worried how others perceive me. I fully understand the Gestapo reference, but I'm more surprised that others lack such emotional connections or are able to control their emotions like a Vulcan...should one exist?

I hate having to change back because the world demands it, just haven't hit the upset stage yet. Maybe I never will, but I think I understand your situation, if that means much at all?

Rebecca x

[Sophia Claire]

I fully understand the Gestapo reference, but I'm more surprised that others lack such emotional connections or are able to control their emotions like a Vulcan...should one exist?

I hate having to change back because the world demands it, just haven't hit the upset stage yet. Maybe I never will, but I think I understand your situation, if that means much at all?

Rebecca x

First, it means quite a lot. Thank you! :curtsy: Reference the Gestapo thing, it's not so much that they control their emotions particularly well, it's just that my own outbursts are so ostentatious and complex and intense and frankly ungainly that they bear consideration in most people's mind. If you're going to be a man, you have to be manly about your emotions. And I'm just not. You know the rules: Boys don't cry, unless they've been kicked in the junk or their dog JUST died. Anything after 24 hours is still sissy. You can be angry or happy or horny or any combination thereof, but you can't display the first sign of sadness. Eventually, I realized that my emotional experience is precious to me, but that the people around me couldn't (or wouldn't) appreciate the nuances and intricacies of my emotions and so I directed them inward. I let them be their full, beautiful selves on the inside, and I appreciate them for what they are. So I do tend to come across as a bit of a Vulcan. I've actually been called a robot before.

[Beverley Sims]

These days I find it very hard to change back quickly and it usually happen when I am going to be late to work.

[Sarah Doepner]

I hate changing back. I simply hate it. Well, except for taking the corset off, that's nice, but the rest of it drives me nuts, angry, sad, in a negative emotional stew. I generally do it because I have to. It's time for bed or I have to go out or someone who isn't part of Sarah's world is going to be here. I try to keep my emotions in check and it's been easier for the last 10 years since my wife has known and accepted Sarah as part of our world. I used to be quick to anger, but that's not as common now that there is some acceptance and a release valve for my femme aspect and energy. But there is a real sense of loss at times when I have to put all the clothes away, take off the wig and wash off the makeup. I know I'm the same person, just decorated a little differently, but tell that to the guy in the mirror. I wish I had an answer for you other than what I've offered so far. I thought that by accepting my crossdressing I would be better, and I was. I thought that once my wife accepted my crossdressing I'd be better, and it has been. But there is still that moment of separation that reminds me of my search for balance, comfort and naturalness of the female presentation, of the happy feelings it all engenders. And in that moment I become sad.

[Leah Lynn]

I'm discovering more and more, that "I Am Not Alone!"So many here have the same feelings and emotions; we must be normal for whatever "classification" we are. I have declared myself to be transgender. I hate the birth defect I have; I was born with a male body. When I can't be Leah, I at least underdress to stay in touch (pun intended) with my fem side. So, we hear you and totally feel your pain. Now, let's get dressed and mix a pitcher of martinis!

[Xrys]

I completely understand. I am TS myself, and am crossdressing where I can to fill the void untill I can at least afford therapy and later transition. I hate changing back. I hate putting the man costume I was born in back on. I despise watching the real me die over and over again in order to pick back up the shalow lie of an existance I have created over the years to protect myself from rejection and ridicule. All the world's a stage, however, and the show must go on.

[bridget thronton]

I just do not like to change back either (but I am not ready to be out at work or church)

[Tracii G]

Changing back can be a let down and I do feel that way too.
I can always go back too so that makes me feel better.