Is dating really this hard?

[abby39]

Hi all! Kinda new here, kinda not. I have a friend who met the love of her life on here and I am hoping to do the same. But I seem to have this problem...like banging my head against a wall!

I am a transwoman, and I am attracted to mostly other transwomen.(MTF 4 MTF) But am also attracted to pretty much anyone else as well. Pansexual? Just an MTF preference.

I live in San Diego and hit all the clubs. And YES I have put in my time at the SRO Lounge, so dont "let me know" about that place. Dont go there much anymore.

I have tried ALL of the dating sites and have posted on the dreaded craigslist more times than I can count. But have not had any really lasting results.

So, here is my question...I think? What am I doing wrong, and what should I try next? I have been told that I pass, though I am tall and I dont really care for my voice. I have not had bottom surgery but have had other procedures done.

Is this a good place to meet someone...gosh, just reading this I see how desperate I've become.

Any advice would be appreciated!

A to the B to the B to the Y

[Aprilrain]

have you tried going to support group meetings? I know a couple of M2Fs that met at ours. generally speaking I'd say that is where you are most likely to meet (in person) other TS people.

[abby39]

I do I do go to a weekly meeting. And I used to go to a very trans friendly bar...though I did have a little falling out with the bartenders over there. So thats kinda out of the picture for now. We have a "no dating" policy at the group, but some of us...myself included, have kind of ignored that on occasion. I dunno, I was hoping there may be other places to meet like minded people that I havent already though of or been too. And the search continues.

Thank you for the Reply though! :)

[KellyJameson]

You do not sound desperate, only like someone who is having the same problem most people are in meeting others.

I would personally throw away all the usual methods and approach meeting someone like you would approach an investment portfolio.

Wealth and relationships take time and energy to create because they have many of the same things in common.

You want to place yourself in the middle of where people are, the more people you regularly meet the greater the chance of meeting someone who you are interested in
and they in you, it is a numbers game.

I have a strong interest in the arts and I have found there is a relationship between those who are artistic and who also fall on the LGBT spectrum along with the sciences and spirituality.

Get involved in your local arts community, take classes at the local college or tech school, join groups formed with the specific purpose of doing something like
a sailing club, biking, walking, music lessons, ect...

Also it can be fun to take a job to place you where the people are not just to make money and the part times jobs often do this best if they are built around having fun.

I take people whitewater rafting and besides having fun
and making money I meet people from all over the world
and San Diego is perfect for something like this.

Put yourself in places so you will be noticed and it does not hurt if you like to entertain people because the true path to someones heart is laughter, not food or
sex.

Clubs may work for sex but if you want love than you have to go where love is, out into the world.

Remember that every person you meet is a link to all the people they know, use the laws of six degrees separation to your advantage.

[abby39]

Nice! Thank you for the post! I have been going to museums lately, but do tend to get bogged down in my house when not prodded! I agree with the more people you meet the greater the chances of meeting someone special. I just have a hard time implementing that. But I am working on it! PROMISE! Great suggestions on the work thing, since I am pounding the pavement at the moment. Thank you for the suggestions!

[jsunic_1978]

There are beautiful transsexual. They are really women and I wonder if even they would be interested in just a cross dresser? I would like to explore. what am I consider, gay, bi, pan-sexual? I am not attracted to men nor just men in a wig, No offense. I just would like some starting point and feedback. Thanks everyone :)

[AllieSF]

Kelly gave you some great suggestions. I agree that getting yourself out there doing the things that interest you, meeting and talking with complete strangers, not for dating, but just for the social aspect of it, will put you in front of many, many people. In the end, it becomes a numbers game, so the higher the numbers the better chance of success. Humor and a smile are also great ingredients to start and then keep a conversation going. From all those new faces that you meet, you will never know where it will lead you and what will happen. It is just another form of networking as you start to branch out into new and fun and different activity circles. I am always, I mean always looking for the person, a woman, to be the light of my life. So, I try to avoid focusing on the hunt, and concentrate on just having the best time possible whenever out and dressed and letting nature, Karma and Kismet happen if one of them is meant to happen. With that more go with the flow attitude, I have met a lot of women, actually mostly girls who I could easily love, in an older version. I have also met a few closer to my age who are so much fun to be with. Good luck

PS: Just like in real life away from this site, when meeting someone from this site, make it for friends only. If something is going to happen, it will. If it doesn't and you don't try to force it, you may just save yourself some very awkward and disappointing situations. I have met about 10 from this site and most are still close friends (i.e. no awkward moments on my part, yet!).

[Bree-asaurus]

Okay... you're transsexual and you're looking for a transsexual...

Double minority? Yeah, that's gonna be hard.

[abby39]

Rite? I have dated 3 transwomen in the last year, but nothing really worked out. Just looking for new places to meet people, and have received great suggestions on this thread!

[Rianna Humble]

Hi all! Kinda new here, kinda not. I have a friend who met the love of her life on here and I am hoping to do the same. But I seem to have this problem...like banging my head against a wall!

I find that a good way to make friends in a new place (whether virtual like these fora or physical) is to try to get to know the people before sounding off at them and calling their personal experience rubbish.

Another way that I have found of making friends amongst a new group is to attempt to understand why they use certain terms (such as words which used by an outsider are derogatory but are applied by someone in the community to herself is a way of reclaiming the ground) rather than simply judge them because they use a term which has been offensive in the past.

Of course, I could be taking exactly the wrong approach and it might be better to insult the people you want to be the love of your life without trying to get to know them. If that works for you, good luck.

[Jorja]

I don't know if dating is really hard. I have always had a date when I wanted one. Sure, just like anyone else there have been times when I had to sit home on a Friday night but not very often. Get out there and meet people. You never know when that one special one will pop into your life.

[Sara Jessica]

have you tried going to support group meetings? I know a couple of M2Fs that met at ours. generally speaking I'd say that is where you are most likely to meet (in person) other TS people.

Not that it would be impossible to find someone at a support group, I dare to say that most of these groups are not intended to be hook-up places. How one goes about participating in such a group would be very important if their sole goal is to find a romantic partner.

[kimdl93]

My advice would be to broaden your horizons. Meet lots of people through work, social and support groups, and on line venues. Then be open to what happens.

[Babeba]

You dont say a lot about your approach, just your venues. I kind of think there might be something in your demeanor which moves too quickly perhaps?

[abby39]

You dont say a lot about your approach, just your venues. I kind of think there might be something in your demeanor which moves too quickly perhaps?

GUILTY! I am definitely one of those "instant gratification" people. I do have a hard time waiting for the natural progression of romance and intimacy. It is a fault I am aware of, one of many, and I know it has ruined a relationship or 12.

I dunno. It's hard to change old habits.

[Traci Elizabeth]

The 1st mistake you are making is labeling yourself and trying only those lime you. Why not just let people get to know you the person. It works every time.

[Bree-asaurus]

The 1st mistake you are making is labeling yourself and trying only those lime you. Why not just let people get to know you the person. It works every time.

That's how I met my man. I had sworn of dating until I transition and I was just hanging out with my friends. Whadda ya know, I got a crush on a friend of a friend that I would see often, and he was crushing on me too. Next thing I knew, I was in the midst of cuddly datey time :D I never thought I would date an FTM, but I'm sure glad I didn't let dating blinders keep me from seeing him!

[Nicole Erin]

Don't feel too bad about having a hard time dating.
Well like for me, i get offers but it is always the nasty creeps who I would prefer to not associate with, and that is pretty bad seeing how my standards are not real high.
I would prefer to date women but I realize the chances of that happening are slim to none.

What I find disheartening though is I see some really hideous Ts out there who are with GG's and I never get a chance even though I have all my hair and a trim waist instead of being bald and fat.

[abby39]

The 1st mistake you are making is labeling yourself and trying only those lime you. Why not just let people get to know you the person. It works every time.

Oh I dont JUST try dating people like me, trans. Though I do feel more comfortable with them. I have had relationships with cis men and women. Just trying to find new and exciting ways of meeting people. Off to the museum today. Maybe there??? ;)




That's how I met my man. I had sworn of dating until I transition and I was just hanging out with my friends. Whadda ya know, I got a crush on a friend of a friend that I would see often, and he was crushing on me too. Next thing I knew, I was in the midst of cuddly datey time :D I never thought I would date an FTM, but I'm sure glad I didn't let dating blinders keep me from seeing him!

I do have a huge crush on a genderqueer friend of mine. Like giant. But they are moving soon, so I dont want to risk loosing them as a friend if they are not going to be around anyway. :(

[GrayGirl83]

I'm still so new to all of this that I can't offer any advice beyond what other people have said (and even then in a very general way). But I did want to throw in my two cents in that I find the same kind of problems. Clubs and the bar scene are very intimidating/meat markets here in Hollywood and I find an element of creepiness to dating websites (no offense meant to anyone who uses them, your actual mileage may vary). So, at the very least there's others with these same difficulties

[Jorja]

Not to hijack this thread but nice picture in your avatar GrayGirl. Are you sure your not GG? ;)

[Wildaboutheels]

The problem is you are "fishing" in a VERY small pond. More like a nearly dried up mudpuddle. Not just talking about this ite or any of the clubs you have frequented either.

Even with all the regular Dating sites out there, one has to really work at meeting others and I am fortunate enough to live in a giant fishbowl.

What it really comes down to is "preferences". We all have them. Yours will simply make finding a partner that much harder, but at least you have HOPE firsthand since you actually know someone who found success.

Without seeing one of your profiles, it simply is not possible to tell you where you might be "going wrong".

[GrayGirl83]

Not to hijack this thread but nice picture in your avatar GrayGirl. Are you sure your not GG? ;)

(Also not wanting to hijack but such a nice compliment deserves a public thank you)
Maybe the nicest thing that anyone's ever said to me! Thank you so much :D

[Babeba]

GUILTY! I am definitely one of those "instant gratification" people. I do have a hard time waiting for the natural progression of romance and intimacy. It is a fault I am aware of, one of many, and I know it has ruined a relationship or 12.

I dunno. It's hard to change old habits.

Change that habit, pronto!! Live in the current moment! If you meet someone, then enjoy the meeting for what it is, not what it possibly may be in the future.

Everyone says they don't like to play games, but there are some patterns - like what happens when you first meet someone and get to know them, go on casual dates and such - which let them know that you are respectful, rational, and know how to behave in social situations. Not knowing that stuff is a bit of a warning sign that a person may have some distance and control issues. I am not saying that you do - but, warning signs.

Try to remember that if they're the right person, they will still be the right person if it takes a few weeks extra to get to know them!

[abby39]

Change that habit, pronto!! Live in the current moment! If you meet someone, then enjoy the meeting for what it is, not what it possibly may be in the future.

Everyone says they don't like to play games, but there are some patterns - like what happens when you first meet someone and get to know them, go on casual dates and such - which let them know that you are respectful, rational, and know how to behave in social situations. Not knowing that stuff is a bit of a warning sign that a person may have some distance and control issues. I am not saying that you do - but, warning signs.

Try to remember that if they're the right person, they will still be the right person if it takes a few weeks extra to get to know them!


Correctomundo! Every time I try to meet someone it goes bad. I think from my unrealistic expectations and "predicting the future" too soon. Then I get a reality slap and I'm back to square one. EXAMPLE: I was...let me rephrase...I WAS just chatting with someone I met and he seemed really cool. Said all the rite things...or the things I guess I wanted to hear. Then when we decided to go out he started asking, "Can you wear a blonde curly wig and a lot of makeup for me?" yeahhhhhhhhhhhh......not happening. I'm not a drag queen or a real-doll...sorry Charlie Brown..

I should just go back to NOT LOOKING....the last 3 people I dated I was NOT LOOKING for. Hmmm, I know its cliche, but maybe I'm better off not looking....I seem to have better luck that way! :)

[GrayGirl83]

I should just go back to NOT LOOKING....the last 3 people I dated I was NOT LOOKING for. Hmmm, I know its cliche, but maybe I'm better off not looking....I seem to have better luck that way! :)

It's weird how much that works...

[Robin Lee]

Hi Abby,
Long time no see!
I know I am a little late seeing this post, but haven't been on this site for a will.
So here's my poor advice. Stop trying to be a T-girl and just be the wonderful you! The SRO is no place to find love at. Yes my best friend did fine his girl there, but only by a fluke. The people that posted here gave you some good advice, get out with real people and be you. You are a great person. If I was not already married I would date you.
Look at me, when I cam out and went full time I moved away and live my life full time as a women in a cowboy town and yes at lest once a week someone hits on me. So much for straight men! Miss you and Brook! XOXO!

Best Wishes
Love Robin

[Babeba]

Was all that guy asked was for you to wear a blonde wig and a lot of makeup? Did he have a lot of experience with TG folk? Might he have had a not-quite-right idea of what you were about with that? Maybe he thought that by engaging you with the girliest things he could think of he was being supportive and accepting?

Yes, I know it's not nice to be treated as an object unexpectedly... But it's not a sure fire sign that guy would be a total jerk, either. It was probably too soon for him to be asking things for possible kinks, but you said yourself that sometimes you give awkward, rushing-it first impressions, too. So long as you don't get a creepy, 'not safe' vibe... Why not give them a little longer a try after you clearly explain that their request was inappropriate and why?

One of my best friends has been with her guy for about four years, he is super sweet and thoughtful... And he started out by trying just to hook up with her, acted like a bit of a pig... Until he got to know her better and realized how awesome she is, and started to be himself around her. If he'd acted the way he did around me I totally would have passed him by, but y friend gave him a longer tryout in case he'd get over the awkward, and it paid off big time for them.

[ReineD]

EXAMPLE: I was...let me rephrase...I WAS just chatting with someone I met and he seemed really cool. Said all the rite things...or the things I guess I wanted to hear. Then when we decided to go out he started asking, "Can you wear a blonde curly wig and a lot of makeup for me?" yeahhhhhhhhhhhh......not happening.

It's just amazing how many supposedly straight men out there want to play out their sexual fantasies with TSs! I have a friend who is TS, she meets guys that she believes are into her for who she is, only to discover they're looking for a "girl with benefits". It's discouraging to say the least.



I should just go back to NOT LOOKING....the last 3 people I dated I was NOT LOOKING for. Hmmm, I know its cliche, but maybe I'm better off not looking....I seem to have better luck that way! :)

It doesn't hurt to always keep your eyes open, but I agree to not make it your main focus. You can instead devote some energy to making good friends to do things with and then your circle of friends can expand and you might meet someone through them. Can you also hang out with the people you work with, or maybe volunteer somewhere? Take classes? Start engaging in a sport? ... go to more museums? :D

[abby39]

Hi Abby,
Long time no see!
I know I am a little late seeing this post, but haven't been on this site for a will.
So here's my poor advice. Stop trying to be a T-girl and just be the wonderful you! The SRO is no place to find love at. Yes my best friend did fine his girl there, but only by a fluke. The people that posted here gave you some good advice, get out with real people and be you. You are a great person. If I was not already married I would date you.
Look at me, when I cam out and went full time I moved away and live my life full time as a women in a cowboy town and yes at lest once a week someone hits on me. So much for straight men! Miss you and Brook! XOXO!

Best Wishes
Love Robin


Guess what Robin....I dated Brook! She eventually gave me the boot. I think I was her "practace girl." Still friends with her though! Nice to see that you are on here! I dont go to the SRO anymore. Let's just say, I have an issue with the bartender. Hope you are well and miss your face!



It's just amazing how many supposedly straight men out there want to play out their sexual fantasies with TSs! I have a friend who is TS, she meets guys that she believes are into her for who she is, only to discover they're looking for a "girl with benefits". It's discouraging to say the least.



It doesn't hurt to always keep your eyes open, but I agree to not make it your main focus. You can instead devote some energy to making good friends to do things with and then your circle of friends can expand and you might meet someone through them. Can you also hang out with the people you work with, or maybe volunteer somewhere? Take classes? Start engaging in a sport? ... go to more museums? :D

Rite? We say in the support group I go to that a lot of guys are just "looking for a penis in a pretty package!" And it's so true! I did decide to stop looking and have been doing things with my friends, and you are correct, thats how I met the people I dated in my past. I think I was/am just tired of being alone so was looking for anyone to make me feel "wanted." Now I'm just going to go with the flow and see what happens. I did see a BEAUTIFUL woman at a juice bar yesterday. I soooo wanted to talk to her, but....well....being shy is what Abby's do best! :)

[AudreyTN]

Rite? I have dated 3 transwomen in the last year, but nothing really worked out. Just looking for new places to meet people, and have received great suggestions on this thread!


hmmmm.....:daydreaming:....you open to moving to Tennessee for 18 months and then heading to Colorado afterwards? :D :battingeyelashes:

[abby39]

hmmmm.....:daydreaming:....you open to moving to Tennessee for 18 months and then heading to Colorado afterwards? :D :battingeyelashes:

What time you picking me up at the airport again???

[AudreyTN]

Rite? I have dated 3 transwomen in the last year, but nothing really worked out. Just looking for new places to meet people, and have received great suggestions on this thread!


What time you picking me up at the airport again???

when's your flight girl? let me know and I'm there! :D

[abby39]

when's your flight girl? let me know and I'm there! :D

ha ha, if only! :battingeyelashes: :daydreaming: