I've been absent a lot

[Anna Lorree]

Hi, sorry that I haven't been around much. We had a family vacation, and our kids and myself just went back to school (on top of a full-time job for me). Beyond that, however, I have been wrestling with this. Though some of you may laugh at my naive hopes, or may simply say "Yep, told you so", I have been trying to work this out. I recognize that my mental processes have basically been following the grief cycle: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. And of course I have been through the cycle several times already and will likely make the rounds a few more times. During this time, I have noted changes in my thinking. As I drift off to sleep and often while I dream, I am a woman. Several days ago, I actually thought of myself as a woman while I was awake. It was unbidden and unintentional, it just happened. Likewise, over the last week or so my desire to try hormones is strengthening. This started with a dream several weeks ago in which I started hormones and was really happy. About a week later I was thinking and for the first time felt like I needed to try them. Since then, this need continues to strengthen. I am starting to feel like I no longer really have a choice, beyond when and how quickly I will end up transitioning.

My wife has begun to position herself to become more independent. She wants to start looking for part-time work (she has been a stay at home mother) and is buying herself clothes that would be more appropriate in an office setting.

Right now I am somewhere in between depression and acceptance. It is a hard place to be. Yesterday I started a human sexuality class. The professor asked us each to fill out a 3 x 5 card with our name, major, reason for taking the class, and anything they might need to know about us that could make the class uncomfortable for us. I wrote that I am a closeted non-transitioned MtF transsexual. It will be interesting to see how she greets me tomorrow...

More and more often I feel like I have fewer and fewer options.

Anna

[GrayGirl83]

Sympathies here. I often have to tell myself "Rome wasn't built in a day". The important thing is progress continues, bigger steps are taken even if you're not there yet...

[kimdl93]

Anna, the awesome reality is probably what both you and your wife need to face. You are or need to start HRT and she probably needs the security of being able to support herself in the worst of circumstances. That doesn't mean you can't find a path forward together. It just means you each have to take care of yourselves too.

[Anna Lorree]

Anna, the awesome reality is probably what both you and your wife need to face. You are or need to start HRT and she probably needs the security of being able to support herself in the worst of circumstances. That doesn't mean you can't find a path forward together. It just means you each have to take care of yourselves too.

She has already told me that if I transition completely (as in living as a woman, SRS or not), she will divorce me. She contends that she is not a lesbian and that she can't pretend to be what she is not anymore than I can pretend to be what I am not. She says she can live with me as a roommate, but if I end up as a woman I will be a single woman.

Anna

[kimdl93]

She has already told me that if I transition completely (as in living as a woman, SRS or not), she will divorce me. She contends that she is not a lesbian and that she can't pretend to be what she is not anymore than I can pretend to be what I am not. She says she can live with me as a roommate, but if I end up as a woman I will be a single woman.

Anna

Well, that may be. Of course there's a ways to go before you get to that point, and there's also a chance that she may change her mind.

[GrayGirl83]

(Apologies, I misread the whole point of your post)

[morgan51]

Tomorrow it will be my turn to rant thanks for sharing with us Hugs!

[Inna]

Control and illusion of comfort we so learn to cherish isn't based in reality but the need to satisfy the image of our selves every one else wants us to project. Transsexuality brakes that bond, mind you, that bond is one of the strongest in life, nearly all the people never realize that their lives are not theirs at all, that they live every day, every minute for someone else ideals.
Being a TS is a curse as well as blessing, one starts to clearly see who they truly are, the more of truth they allow, the closer to the ultimate SELF they get!!!!!

All I can say is CONGRATULATIONS on the first glimpse into your true self and sorry for all the pain which inevitably and already is upon you, there is more pain where it comes from but be sure, this pain is unlike any other, this is a birth, the first of truth and love, and all that come into being must first experience the pain of becoming!

[LeaP]

Anna, It's nice to see you back, though it sounds that things are in a difficult place right now.

Your description of experiencing a shift in identity while awake, out of nowhere, mirrors my own last year. In fact, it was the trigger to start therapy. With me it happened more and often until it finally became a constant. People seem to be triggered by something that causes them to start losing control of their suppression. My therapist calls it "starting to see the world through female eyes" and says it is the one and only, single thing her trans patients have in common.

[kimdl93]

She has already told me that if I transition completely (as in living as a woman, SRS or not), she will divorce me. She contends that she is not a lesbian and that she can't pretend to be what she is not anymore than I can pretend to be what I am not. She says she can live with me as a roommate, but if I end up as a woman I will be a single woman.

Anna

Anna, I guess she's entitled to her preferences....to the extent that she knows them. I think of what Gore Vidal said - " there are no homosexuals, only homosexual acts". Not exactly sure I agree, but it seems to me that if two beings are in love, then the apparatus for expressing that love, could be secondary. I don't know...call me a romatic. I belive in love ;)