Why must they ask?

[Leah Lynn]

I've purchased many items of ladies' apparel. I've always been treated in a professional manner by SA's. The first pair of pumps I purchased, the young lady was very helpful at explaining the nuances of walking in heels. Again, very professional. However, other shoppers are usually a pain in the backside. Often, when trying on an item, someone will ask one or two questions, then drop the bomb. "Are you gay?" I answer truthfully that I'm transgender. "Oh, then you ARE gay!?"
No, I'm not. I have a couple acquaintances that are. I don't have a problem with gays. I attend Pride activities. I support the entire LGBT community. But, just because I purchase a feminine article, I'm immediately percieved as gay. I very well may be overreacting to this, but there is a difference. I well know some members here are gay, and I gladly support them. Maybe the next time, I should just go totally DQ on them and say something shocking... Well, some statements come to mind, but I'll forgo their usage. Use you imagination.
What, if any, is your experience with this.

[sissystephanie]

I have been a crossdresser for over 60 years, and in that time have only been asked if I was "gay" a very few times. And of course it was always by a female shopper!! My usual response has always been, no I am not Gay, I just like to wear feminine clothes! That almost always makes them shut up!!

Like Leah I have friends that are gay, and I also have friends that are lesbians!! We are all people, and thank God we are not all the same!

[RachelMondor]

It's just how idiotically ill-educated and narrow many people are.
When someone says such a thing, don't reply. Fix your eyes on the top right corner of their hair line, and stare fixated at it as if there resides the most fascinating, repulsive sight you've ever seen. Don't say a word. Stare for several seconds. Then frown, curl your nose up and move away from them like they smell like the devil's own fart.
Then run, before the tranny gets a kicking ;-)

or
'Are you gay?'
'No, but my boyfriend is'.

Bigot, 'er?!?!'

[JenniferR771]

I was buying a bra one time. Vasserette, padded. Big Lots. The customer behind me said, "I hope that is not for you!"
"Yes, its for me. I am a crossdresser."
"So, do you sing and do drag shows and entertainment?"
sigh.
"No; I don't sing. I just wear dresses around the house."

The public is uninformed about crossdressers. They think we are female impersonators or drag queens. And this is partly our own fault. We are so secretive. Its the internalized shame thing, I think. My wife hate my cding. That doesn't help.

[Rachel Morley]

"So, do you sing and do drag shows and entertainment?" A GG asked me the same thing at our TG support group's information booth at a Gay Pride event. I guess she didn't understand the difference between a crossdresser and a drag queen. It's ok ... I forgive everyone who thinks that. It gave me a wonderful opportunity to share with her the nuances of the "TG spectrum". :)

[docrobbysherry]

There must be a different class of folks in the thrift stores I visit regularly! The SAs there NEVER ask questions about the always fem items I buy. And, altho I've had frequent conversations with other customers while searching the racks, (always women in the sections I shop in), conversations r generally about sale days, who has the best specials and items, and only occasionally about a particular piece.

The most derogatory things I've heard were when standing in the check out line. "Those shoes match your eyes." "You'll look cute in that outfit." I say, "Thank u. Do u really think so?" End of conversations! I shop in drab!

[GeminaRenee]

Today I want shopping en drab, but I had just painted my toenails, so I wore flip flops. I was standing disinterestedly in line at Burlington Coat Factory, waiting to pay for my boots and thinking about baseball. Suddenly, I realized that the two women in line in front of me were alternating looking at my feet, then at my face, and yammering away in Spanish. I am not multilingual, but contextual clues made it plain that their observations were not favorable. While I would have been curious to hear exactly what they were saying, it was probably just as well for my continued feeling of peace that I could not understand. I'd be willing to bet it was something other than "He is so masculine and probably straight!" "Yes, but that polish clearly does not complement his eyes!"

[lingerieLiz]

I've had some comments over the years. Never been asked if I was gay, but I'm sure many assumed I was. I wasn't sure I wasn't until I dated a guy. But in the 50s and 60s it was expected you were. I never had interest in guys, but was very confused. I soon figured out that girls were my thing, their clothes and them.

I don't worry about it. If someone asks I tell them what I want to. I have had a couple women make comments. One woman told me that the pink panties weren't my color. Another asked me if I wore bras everyday. I responded yes without thinking. She got red in the face, but said she was cool with it.

[Jilmac]

I think most mainstram people, women or men, equate crossdressing with the gay lifestyle because they're uninformed, biased, or just plain stupid. I buy a good portion of my attire from sellers on craigslist, and have been asked by a few if I'm gay. I tell them no, I just enjoy wearing women's clothes. It usually satisfies thier curiosity, and it really doesn't bother me being asked.

[Ellyn]

A GG asked me the same thing at our TG support group's information booth at a Gay Pride event. I guess she didn't understand the difference between a crossdresser and a drag queen. It's ok ... I forgive everyone who thinks that. It gave me a wonderful opportunity to share with her the nuances of the "TG spectrum". :)

So, you lead in with "didn't understand the difference between a crossdresser and a drag queen"....then you leave it hanging......without the punch line?

[Julogden]

Surprisingly, I've never had anyone ask me if I'm gay but I have had people in passing cars yell "fag" at me, sort of the same thing but more rude and intimidating.

Carol

[Aloha Jayne]

I don't think it's a matter of stupidity as much as being uniformed. The gay community has done a great job of raising awareness of the plight of gay people ever since Ellen's first show got cancelled. So people tend to group anything they don't understand into something familiar. Let's face it, it takes a bit of explaining to tell people who and what we are and what we're not. And when confronted by someone in a store, there is hardly time for that. Maybe someday, one of us will have enough of a public profile to inform the world about what we do and what the differences are between us, and gays and TG and DQ and etc. But for that to happen, the public would have to first give a......

[ReineD]

I used to think that CDers were gay too, before I ever met anyone in this community.

:hiding:

How would I have known otherwise, when the only time I saw men dressed like women were DQs at Pride parades? Then I met my friend's husband who CDs, and obviously he wasn't gay since they had been married for 20 years, had 2 kids, and they were devoted to each other.

Still, when my SO first told me via email about the CDing, I misunderstood and I though he had told me that he was seeking my friendship and support and not a romantic relationship. I misread his words because in the back of my mind I still thought that the majority of CDers were gay. Needless to say, we straightened it out, and now I know better. :)

[Jamie001]

Today I want shopping en drab, but I had just painted my toenails, so I wore flip flops. I was standing disinterestedly in line at Burlington Coat Factory, waiting to pay for my boots and thinking about baseball. Suddenly, I realized that the two women in line in front of me were alternating looking at my feet, then at my face, and yammering away in Spanish. I am not multilingual, but contextual clues made it plain that their observations were not favorable. While I would have been curious to hear exactly what they were saying, it was probably just as well for my continued feeling of peace that I could not understand. I'd be willing to bet it was something other than "He is so masculine and probably straight!" "Yes, but that polish clearly does not complement his eyes!"

The same thing happens when someone is all tatted-out or there is anything that is different that doesn't fit the herd mentality. I have heard the comments about people with tatts quite often. The folks that have the tatts know that the comments happen, but they don't care. The best thing to do i just ignore it and don't let it get to you

[Jamie001]

I was buying a bra one time. Vasserette, padded. Big Lots. The customer behind me said, "I hope that is not for you!"
"Yes, its for me. I am a crossdresser."
"So, do you sing and do drag shows and entertainment?"
sigh.
"No; I don't sing. I just wear dresses around the house."

The public is uninformed about crossdressers. They think we are female impersonators or drag queens. And this is partly our own fault. We are so secretive. Its the internalized shame thing, I think. My wife hate my cding. That doesn't help.

I don't understand why a customer would have the gall to ask those types of questions when it is NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS!!

[Jamie001]

Why do they believe that they have the right to ask? Also, the CD OP trying on the pumps could have responded as follows: "Is a woman gay when she wears men's shoes, boxer shorts, neckties, pants or other male items? "Is a man gay when he wears earrings?" "Is a woman gay if she get tattoos".

Maybe then folks will see the absurdity of this narrow-minded thinking.

[Kelley]

I have not been asked yet but I don't think it would bother me if it was said in a civil way. I think it would be a great opertunity to educate people and I believ we should take every opertunity to do so.

[Cheryl T]

I was asked that question once....
My response was "I'm not even happy right now!".

End of conversation...

[Kaz]

Ironically I know a lot of gay guys and they never wear women's clothing! They don't want to be or even look like women!

[erickka]

I used to think that CDers were gay too, before I ever met anyone in this community.

:hiding:

How would I have known otherwise, when the only time I saw men dressed like women were DQs at Pride parades? Then I met my friend's husband who CDs, and obviously he wasn't gay since they had been married for 20 years, had 2 kids, and they were devoted to each other.

Still, when my SO first told me via email about the CDing, I misunderstood and I though he had told me that he was seeking my friendship and support and not a romantic relationship. I misread his words because in the back of my mind I still thought that the majority of CDers were gay. Needless to say, we straightened it out, and now I know better. :)


Good point here Reine! It IS a case of being uninformed, which makes most people react or say the things that they do about crossdressers. In this reply you are sharing how you became more familiar with the subject, and now you are one of the most level headed ,helpful, understanding , and supportive GG's on this forum. Thanks for joining!

[Annie D]

"Not yet, but I am not opposed to it!" has been my reply when the few times I have been asked. On occasion, I have returned the question to them and inquired about their sexual preference. It is none of their business!

[gender_blender]

I'm not gay, but my gf is.

[Karen_K]

I don't think I've ever asked anyone if they are straight, just because they're wearing clothing traditionally for their gender.

[Sarasometimes]

Well the reason for this misunderstanding should not be to tough to ID. Jerry Springer, Maury, Phil (no longer a Dr.)... are good places to start. But simply by the virtue of GLB and T as our associated group you can't really brame people for making a connection. I would hope everyone here agrees that Gender Identity and Gender Expression are unrelated to sexual preference yet as a group we are included in with those variations. Not a big jump for the uninformed to think they are all together therefore they must be nearly the same.
The best thing is to use the opportunities each of us get to correct this misunderstanding in a respectful clear way. Personally for me I think the mixed gender community get little benefit from this association but I understand why they are grouped together. The benefit is a greater number for both causes but the drawback is the line get really blurry to mainstream.

[STACY B]

Next time they ask ,,, Just say YEA something like that ,, Next question ,,

[sonna]

i just got use to it, there going to think what they want anyway.

[Jenniferathome]

I think you are over reacting. Crossdressing is something that 99% of the publicno nothing about. It has taken decades for gays to be accepted to the minimal level they are now. Crossdressing is a whole other universe. The term "tansgender" will connotate the impressing of sex change. I do not think it is fair to expect the public at large to understand such a small segment of the population. If you choose to educate, more power to you.

[kimdl93]

I don't really think its an unusual question. The individuals who ask are seeking information - or a confirmation of their stereotypical view of who CDrs are. And each time you answer, you help clarify that misperception. Think of it as your little contribution to educating the public.

[Wildaboutheels]

You can't know for sure [can you???] if they are trying to offend/belittle you OR if they simply are like 95% of the population and simply do not know any better.

Clearly Reine is one of the brightest, sharpest cookies here???????

SHE did not know any better. That should tell you something. She did not know any better, because like most people, she had no NEED to know.

Depending on your level of confidence, you have 3 options.

Simply ignore them, "tell them off"somehow, or take just a few seconds to inform them in a polite cordial manner in a quick explanation - something you have rehearsed over and over. It could just be one line or several. IF you can throw in some comic touches and explain with confidence too, you might just help one of the millions of clueless people.

IF you feel quite sure they are somehow trying to put you down, you could simply reply with "You sure had me fooled. You look too intelligent to ask such a dumb question which is why I never try to judge people based on what they are wearing".

I think most people simply do not do see or notice CDers and when they do see one up close and personal, they open their mouth w/o thinking.

[JenniferR771]

My wife strongly disapproves of my cding. But she checks my online history often. And somehow she overcame her disgust long enough to surf to this site and read this thread. And came up on my posts and avatar photo. Whoops. She hates the idea that I tell people that I am a cd.

However, I am I think somewhat happy she read a few posts. Perhaps she will realize we are ordinary men with an odd quirk.

[paulinescotlandcd]

I have not been asked yet but I don't think it would bother me if it was said in a civil way. I think it would be a great opertunity to educate people and I believ we should take every opertunity to do so.

I agree, it all depends in the manner and tone in which the question is asked.

[ReineD]

I forgot to mention in my earlier post that no one should ask. It's none of their business!

However, not all questions are accusations nor do they stem from personal, negative judgment. These people might be genuinely curious (as off-putting as it is to be asked such a personal question) and they merely want to learn more. I do hope that in the future you will take the opportunity to say something like, "It's a little known fact that most crossdressers are attracted to women, as I am. I understand your curiosity about this and if you want to learn more about gender variance you should go to [and then suggest an appropriately informative website].

[kimdl93]

I think the oddest person to ever question my sexual orientation was a young gay guy. He wasn't hitting on me, but he seriously could not imagine how a guy who dressed up in womens' clothing might be straight. I asked him is he dressed in womens clothing and of course he did not and he wasn't attracted to guys that did. All I could say is "you'll have to take my word for it."

He couldn't and ended up arguing about it with the lesbian who I'd been visiting with a moment before. I guess it was less incongruent for her to comprehend a TG guy that was attracted to women.

[xd-tigger]

In my opinion, they ask because they are ignorant. You tell them you're not gay, but trans, and they remain ignorant and go through life with a closed view on the way we as a species are. If you are unsure on a certain aspect of life, do some bleeding research.

[ReineD]

We conflate gender identity and sexual attraction in our society, and we need to stop doing this. This is why it is so important to teach our school children about the spectrum of sexual and gender diversity, and not wait until they take gender studies classes in college. :)

[Cassandra Lynn]

Ignorance is bliss...and sadly, we live i a society of blissful ignornace.

The right answer, of course, is to smile sweetly and take the time to educate as much as possible.
Tho there does come the times when doing something like what RachelMonder suggested is very tempting.

The worst for me was a female customer who came up to me in the lingerie department of a chain store several years ago and loudly announced that i must be "some kind of pervert!"
I was a bit shocked but calmly replied i certainly wasn't. The female dept manager was nearby and and was having none of it; she came over and told the woman..."that will be enough of that ma'am, please leave the store".

Today i do tend much more towwrds the andro side of my everyday drab (hoop earrings in both ears, ladies sandals with toe rings, sublte eye make-up) and i do see the looks, i can only imagine that they think.

[Frédérique]

Why must they ask?

You know, I’ve never been asked that – people just ASSUME I’m gay, and life goes on… :straightface:

I think the question is asked either because a) people can’t figure out things for themselves, or b) no heterosexual wishes to associate themselves with homosexuals, or c) gay equates with “bad” these days, or d) it’s another way of saying, “I don’t approve of you,” or e) people must make distinctions, even though we are all bisexual by nature, or f) GAY represents a monkey wrench thrown into the machinery of procreation, or g) gender-specificity rules, and that extends to one’s choice of clothing. I could go on and on, but I’ll (mercifully) stop here…

Are you STRAIGHT? Sorry… :heehee:

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Leah, I guess that I'm just lucky I have never gotten the GAY question.

[Leah Lynn]

So many fantastic responses here. If I have the time, I will engage these people in conversation. I've tried, sometimes successfully to enlighten worthy souls; sometimes they just don't or won't get it. I do understand that curiosity can override judgement, so they ask, sometimes embarassing themselves. But the fact remains; it's really none of their business.
We get tacked onto the end of LGBT. Perhaps as an afterthought, or nowhere else to go. Either way, we need more exposure, AS A GROUP; not individually (to protect those that wish to stay anonymous). I'm not really ready to be outted to God and Country, but perhaps I should, and take part in the next Pride event. Thanks, all.

[Leah Lynn]

Just read Flic's thread! Answers a lot more.