Control and Illusion

[LeaP]

Several recent threads about members' individual difficulties as well as their relationship issues have had me thinking about the theme of control. It strikes me that we cling ever more desperately to the illusion that we can control outcomes as crises get worse. We do this even though we know intellectually that we actually have very little control in life.

Take the typical individual undergoing a dysphoria crisis. Almost everything they do (and I did the same) is aimed at reasserting the control they thought they had before the crisis. Think about how many strategies are involved in this. Containment. Denial. Repression. Negotiation. Compartmentalization. Compensating, or offsetting behaviors. Aggression and anger. Blame and excuses. Escapism. Even depression when you consider its role in enablement.

Then, think of the control the individual tries to assert in their relationships. Some of the same strategies, of course, but additional ones show up here. Hiding is the big one. Self-sacrifice is also huge in this arena. People and their hopes on future outcomes that are nothing more than fantasies. There is recommitment after recommitment. The attempted exercise of will and strength.

Although there is plenty of desperation within the individual, desperation for the control of the outcome seems to take on a special role in a relationship. So much of what happens in relationships with trans people during these crises seems to revolve around manipulation, much of which is concerned with trying to steer and bias conversations with one's significant other.

The reality is that the crisis starts to come down only when one starts to give up control. I've tried to describe that in different ways recently, such as living in the present. In fact, I think it's more concerned with committing oneself to truth, insofar as one can discern it. And it also strikes me that this is at the root of why there's so little BS in the TS section.

So, what makes you think you have any real control in your life?

[morgan51]

My separation seems to have one positive outcome and that is now what I choose to do is entirely up to me. I realise that there are many other factors that will control me. Age Health, Time available etc. Money is a huge factor for most. I find faith seems to play a large part in my life today and my well being. Living in reality is probably the most difficult aspect for the ts I know I've struggled with that. Just b/c I want it so badly doesn't meat its going to happen. I really do live one day at a time these days. I am already experiencing a peace that hasn't been possible in my home with all the bickering and poor treatment of each other.

[KellyJameson]

For me the dysphoria destroyed anything I tried to build that ran counter to it so like a tornado or hurricane wiped out all relationships that threatened to contain the search for self or the true expression of self which are one and the same.

I spent my life running away from others who did not see my true gender and this was experienced as intense fear of feeling trapped.

The fear became so great that I gave into it simply from the exhaustion of fighting it all the time, I gave up control over myself because I was forced to and I did not seek
control of others because I was concerned only about not being controlled (not recognized as me or prevented from being me)

The last battle was between my intellect and "me".

The intellect is not really us but it is so powerful that it creates the illusion that there is only the intellect and nothing else.

Gender does not live in the intellect, it lives in that "nothing else" that the intellect is not aware of because the intellect only thinks that there is the intellect and nothing else and this "nothing else" is the real us that is walled off and separated from the intellect as a way to control pain (fear) in reaction to the experience of pain

Once again we are trapped in a paradox. Giving up control is giving up the intellect by discovering that where we really live is beyond the intellect and it is this world that really is us and leaks out into life even when the intellect tries to stop it (control)

The intellect is aquired, it is built by time and experience (learns) but it's powers are so great that we misuse them to separate ourselves from ourselves (from reality)

The intellect rules as a reaction to pain because control is about avoiding pain.

Feelings are about the whole person and so the mind and body dance together with each influencing the other, there is no separation the mind and body move as one. (think of children before they become "smart")

The intellect becomes a slave to fear (pain) by trying to be its master.

Near death experiences often give someone a new lease on life because it breaks the stranglehold that the intellect has on the person so they move thru and beyond fear (pain) and back to the self that exists and existed before control was learned.

Gender dysphoria cannot be cured intellectually because it must be known intuitively.

It is my belief that you can have the exact body you want but still experience the affliction of dysphoria if you do not go back to the beginning before the intellect and heal the feeling mind that was traumatized by the experience of gender dysphoria (pain) and all pain

For me it took a crisis of faith similar to the one I had with whether there was a God or not. I had to find the God that existed just for me and no one else that only my
mind could know that did not contradict my values.

It is a question of ones relationship to truth versus faith.

Some are willing to allow others to define truth for them but this requires faith in another and where there is faith there is doubt and where there is doubt there is control of doubt (illusion,suppresion,denial,ect..)

There cannot be any faith in others truth concerning gender dysphoria, you must go inward beyond any other persons truth and find your own.

To have faith in God is different than knowing God and it is the same for gender dysphoria.

To do this you must let go of the intellect and go into the pain (feelings) where you really live.

Following the trail of breadcrumbs that have been left behind in your mind will take you beyond faith in others words to a knowing that was always there but just needed
to be rediscovered.

You go back to the beginning and feel your gender that has been with you all the time.

The intellect makes gender dysphoria much worse in my opinion.

I suffered with God because I did not believe and I suffered with gender dysphoria because I did not believe.

When I went beyond faith (others) to truth (my truth) I stopped suffering.

To do this I had to let go of the intellect and find me which is where the truth lives.

[Inna]

nada , you are right on, brilliant summation, I tend to see it in the spiritual realm! The only control I have is that of interpretation of the path unfolding before me, for the same reality can have a negative as well as positive interpretation. Almost as though we give such reality our own interpretation or charge if you will, however, the reality stays perfectly the same, neutral and fixed. Ohmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.................................. .......................................

[arbon]

So, what makes you think you have any real control in your life?

The only real control I have in life is how I am reacting to it.

[LeaP]

... Almost as though we give such reality our own interpretation or charge if you will, however, the reality stays perfectly the same, neutral and fixed. ...

This is true. Finding meaning in life starts with self-knowledge, but assumes significance when conviction brings heart and mind together. Put another way, you cannot have a real presence in the world until you bring forward what you really are. Your intellect can betray you until "it" (you) becomes an instrument of who you are and not what you falsely believe about yourself.

The reality that doesn't change is physical reality. Everything above takes place in our inner life. To an observer, nothing changes. To one who has not experienced it, what I wrote above seems like utter nonsense. But to one whose understanding of themselves has been turned upside down, whose left has become right, up has become down, the entire world has changed and everything is new.



...

The intellect rules as a reaction to pain because control is about avoiding pain.

Feelings are about the whole person and so the mind and body dance together with each influencing the other, there is no separation the mind and body move as one. (think of children before they become "smart")

The intellect becomes a slave to fear (pain) by trying to be its master.

Near death experiences often give someone a new lease on life because it breaks the stranglehold that the intellect has on the person so they move thru and beyond fear (pain) and back to the self that exists and existed before control was learned.

Gender dysphoria cannot be cured intellectually because it must be known intuitively.

...

It is a question of ones relationship to truth versus faith.

Some are willing to allow others to define truth for them but this requires faith in another and where there is faith there is doubt and where there is doubt there is control of doubt (illusion,suppresion,denial,ect..)

There cannot be any faith in others truth concerning gender dysphoria, you must go inward beyond any other persons truth and find your own.

...

To do this you must let go of the intellect and go into the pain (feelings) where you really live.

Following the trail of breadcrumbs that have been left behind in your mind will take you beyond faith in others words to a knowing that was always there but just needed
to be rediscovered.

You go back to the beginning and feel your gender that has been with you all the time.

...

Kelly, there is so much packed in your post that it's hard to know where to begin. I do like your comments about faith versus truth, and will give that further thought. I particularly like your distinction of externality vis-Ã*-vis faith versus internal truth, and the commentary on doubt with externally-based faith is something that I found particularly interesting.

Your description of discovering gender by picking through the breadcrumbs in your mind closely describes elements of my own experience, as does discovery through finally feeling again.

Finally, I'm fascinated by the comment on near-death experience. Survival and suicide are things that we often discuss. Your comment goes beyond "mere" survival to describe why it is that people are finally able to move forward.

[Anne2345]

Control?!!! What the hell is this funny sounding word "control??!!" I do not think I know of this word. If I have heard of and known this word before, it was in another life, because it's meaning completely escapes me.

Admittedly, however, some distant, long forgotten, hazy, foggy memory has been triggered by your post. Hmmm, control . . . . What exactly is this control thingy?

Ah, yes. Having just looked up the definition of "control" in the dictionary, I now understand why I did not recognize the word at first glance. And this is so because I have little, if any, real, substantive, meaningful control in my life. In this context, control is elusive, slippery, deceitful, and deceptive. Control is a fool's paradise, a mirage, and a fantasy. Control is rooted, at least in part, in delusion, denial, and pretense.

There was a time that I thought I commanded significant control over my life. And to a certain degree, I did. For example, I controlled my education, schooling, and the career path I sought. I put in much work, time, and effort, and was ultimately rewarded with that which I sought.

However, I have come to realize that I have very little control over the real person that I am. But it's not from a lack of trying, I assure you. Ironically enough, though, the control I attempted to exert on my essence damaged me horribly, and set me back further than I could have ever imagined. I was ignorant, naÃ*ve, and I thought I could will myself to be the person I wanted to be, as opposed to the person I am.

Ha! How arrogant was that??!! I failed miserably in my attempt. I crashed and burned. I never stood a chance. Because certain things are not subject to control. Certain things just are what they are, and will never be otherwise.

I am TS. I thought I could control it. I thought I could rein it in. I thought I could beat it. I thought wrong on all counts. In fact, I could not have been any more wrong, for I have no control over this. It's just the opposite, actually. I am subject to and controlled by the real, authentic person within me that I have spent so much time, energy, and effort trying to vanquish. She controls me, because in reality, she is me, and that's just the way it is.

In response to the OP, I do agree that crises abate when one releases the illusion of control, and gives in to the truth of the matter. The truth, after all, shall set you free.

This is a lesson I have learned the hard way, as have most of you here. I gotta give some members here credit, I was warned repeatedly, over and over again. They knew better. They were wiser, more experienced, and more knowledgable than I. I am now humbled by them, and a better person for having finally learned the lesson.

But if any out there think they can do better, have at it. Be warned, though, as i was, that you attempt to shackle and control the truth at your own risk and peril. And, uh, one more thing - good luck with that, but we'll see ya back here eventually. :straightface: