cleaning out my closet . . .

[melissaK]

I have a ton of issues about self acceptance and shame, such that they have caused mental health issues with repression and dissociation. Still I am on HRT for 5 years, but I am not actively pursuing transistion or cross gender living.

I told my wife I was a crossdresser at the outset of our relationship 20 years ago, in fact she was there during a period of fulltime weekend cross gender living I went through. But (ever notice how many stories with bad endings begin with a but) But, I wasn't honest with myself or her about that inner voice that said I was a transsexual - and has since I was in junior high and found Christine Jorgensoen's autobiography on the book rack at the local drug store. I was corresponding with some girls who were transitioning with SRS, and I was trying on the TS-SRS shoe for fit so to speak. I was scared by the amount of work SRS entailed and I realized how unprepared I was at every level for such a journey. I stopped my cross gender living and dropped back to underdressing. I really thought I could just do that.

In subsequent years I learned you can't just do that. Its called denial, and the TS feelings don't go away and I went through all the pain of learning that you can't will them away. as I came to terms with myself about that, I did a real half assed job of keeping her up to date. Some discussions, but I always held something back. (that but again).

Eventually after a major anxiety breakdown about six years ago, I started HRT without telling her. (I know, I know, major foul). She discovered it as time went on because you can't hide breast growth. We had some more grim conversations, and I promised I was honest about just taking them to quell transgender anxiety, which it did (probably saved my life).

But I wasn't open and honest enough. (that but keeps showing up). What I never told her was that I had a PO Box for delivery of the medications so she wouldn't know. After she knew, I still didn't tell her about the PO Box. (Yes, yes, foul on my part - a type of foul that can't end without a lot of grief).

I know I have huge abandonment and trust issues that cloud my judgment and make me fear telling her because I fear losing my relationship with her. Recently I have worked through some issues about the source of those abandonment issues. (Thanks for the nice words Reine). Ironically, I can trace those abandonment issues to what teachers and parents said to me to end my grade school cross gender behavior - and to how my hopscotch girl friends didn't stick up for me, events that began a lifetime of living stealth and hiding who I was because if I told anyone, they'd reject me.

So, this last weekend, we are refinancing a rental property and banks who are now super diligent about their background credit checks, came up with a PO Box in my name and asked my wife about it. Her response was exactly what we all know it would be and should be - she was hurt, I broke trust, a secret PO box, what else was going on. I felt awful. Still do.

It shouldn't get worse, But, no, it did. She noticed I was wearing a sports bra. I'm a 38C or 40B and I show a lot and dress to hide. I'd been wearing the tight sports bras for the bust profile compression since December, but without telling her, and without her noticing. She was hurt as could be that once again I left her out of transgender thinking.

OMG. How deep a hole have I dug for myself.

I have to clear the air of the unsaid. I have to be super honest or I will never rebuild the relationship damage I have caused.

So, the good news is, I have dealt with some of my abandonment and insecurity issues I have long held, and that has removed some of the barriers I have had about trusting anyone by telling them how I really feel deep down inside. I am willing to risk disclosing that inner self. I really need to break this lack of trust cycle - where my fear of trusting gets in the way of anyone trusting me.

My wife and I have been talking. And, this am the HRT meds came out of the closet. I asked her to participate in my HRT decisions.

Yes, part of me remains terrified my wife will be done with me. I love her immensely - we've got a long long history and are best friends. I can't imagine life without her around. Part of me is hopeful. She's gorgeous, high IQ smart, and a catch. Yet, she has stayed with me so far, despite my past errors.

Any tips on cleaning out my closet would be appreciated. For example, do I show her this site and my identity? (She knows I'm Melissa, but there must be 100 of us here). Would she read past posts? She's super private too, trust issues of her own, would she post in the GG forum?

Hugs,
'lissa

[kimdl93]

Lissa, is there anything else you haven't told her?????? I realize that you have these abandonment and trust concerns, but each of these mistakes on your part is magnifying the risk that you may indeed be rejected. So, please just quit trying to hide things. Your experience clearly shows you that it doesn't work.

I don't know what your past posts will have to say. Is there anything there you might regret posting? If she's like my wife, she'll probably read all the old posts that she can find, particularly if you've hidden this from her too.

[RADER]

I think you should get her to join the forum; Then she can go to the FAB section, and get advice
on how to cope with you taking Med's and other things.
Rader

[ReneeT]

I certainly relate well to your story. Most of what you have described - trying to keep the gender bs under wraps, the secret PO Box ( i wonder what % of all PO boxes are registered to cd/tg/ts folks????), starting hrt without my wifes knowledge - apply tp me.I ultimately came to the point that I could no longer carry on the receipt. It was poisoning my marriage, so i finally owned up to my life of dishonesty. We are now separated as a result of that and due to the fact that (straight wife)+(TS husband) =no marriage in my house. But, while our relationship as we have known it is ending, I can now look her stright in the eye with total honesty. It is refreshing, and had to be. I wish you well.

[morgan51]

I lied to my wife too. I'm totally honest with her today and she just closed on her own home. I'm living the ts dream/nightmare and take full responsibility for my actions. I do try to just live one day at a time and enjoy each new day. There is a certain amount of peace with having my closet completly cleaned out and open. Today I can live as my true self and that has made all the difference. Hugs Morgan

[StephanieJ]

A therapist my wife and I saw said the same as most of you - complete honesty! I hand already told my wife about 80% of my feelings about being Stephanie. (Which she was okay with) He said that wasn't enough, that it had to be 100% so we went deeper and talked about the other 20%. Long story short, it ended our marriage.

I was furious at the therapist for wrecking our family but he pointed out that it if that last 20% was a deal-breaker then we would have eventually divorced anyway. If not over this then perhaps over something else. I still don't get all the logic (and being divorced really sucks...) but I'm beginning to see that honesty is the key to happiness. Even if it means the end of your relationship.

[Thera Home]

Long story short, it ended our marriage.
I was furious at the therapist for wrecking our family but he pointed out that it if that last 20% was a deal-breaker then we would have eventually divorced anyway.

Hi Stephanie and all
Im saddened when I hear of divorce. A marriage is a bond thats forever. I know the roads sucks at times, and sometimes you feel like youre giving and giving and giving and giving. But isnt that why you married her in the first place? So she becomes a B***h later,figure out whats pissing her off and give somemore.:doh:
Anyway the reason for this response is the fury I have with these so call goofballs they call therapists. (Im ashamed my name name is part of thier Baloney) These guys are just making an easy buck off you. You know what best for you already,dont need someone telling you that. :eek:

Sorry just had to get that off my chest....Ahh feel much better:o

Thera

[Stephenie S]

Typical Rad Fem quote:

"Therapist"

"The-rapist"

[Jorja]

My goodness, all of that in your closet, where do you keep the skeletons?

[ReineD]

I would lay everything on the table with your wife before telling her about this site, including how long you've been a member here. You can't very well suggest she join here, without telling her that you are a member. And she will probably read all of your posts. She also needs to know your ultimate goals, whether or not you wish to live life fully or partially (by this I mean without anyone in your lives knowing) that you are transsexual.

Also, what is your reason for wanting her to join here? I ask, because while it would be good for her to talk to other wives whose husbands are transitioning, I've got to say that if she is not open to being married to a woman, there is no amount of talking to others that will change her mind. She can maybe get some information about the changes that you will experience and she can talk to other wives who support their partners' transition, and wives who cannot. And wives whose husbands are not TS. But your wife will ultimately follow her own path with this, whatever this may be.

How would you like her to participate in your HRT decisions? Do you mean that she should help decide the particular hormone you are taking or the dosage? Are you getting them through a doctor? Or is it that you will continue if she approves, and stop if she doesn't? You've been taking hormones for 6 years (unless I misread), and I'm wondering if she has noticed the changes in your body.

[KellyJameson]

Honesty allows someone to know who you really are otherwise they do not love you but the illusion you have created.

This illusion also traps you because you will not know who you are until you let go of the fear that prevents it by no longer living the illusion you have created to keep others in your life.

The word love is thrown around very casually in the world but in my opinion it is a very rare occurrence because it is absolutely terrifying to live transparently and only that will make love possible.

I know abandonment fear from rejection well and I experienced it as anxiety and for me it came from my conviction that I was not "lovable" because I was "less than others" so everyone had value except me.

I experienced terrible rejection and abuse for basically being a girl in a boys body all throughout childhood.

The abuse left me feeling utterly worthless and so without having any value to another why would they stay with me so you become suspicious of their motives for being with you. It was made worse because I "knew" I was not a man and so was living a lie and as soon as the woman figured out I was not a man she would leave.

Everything just spirals out of control because it is all built on falsehood.

We need truth for survival because without it we make mistakes in judgement so lies threaten life but we are trying to stay alive and have a reason to live so lie to aquire what we need to live, a vicious trap that in the end destroys the very thing we are trying to gain for ourselves.

Truth comes with a price but without it life really never begins because we do not learn who we are or what we really want and need.

When I started to live truly that is when the fear of abandonment and shame was slowly resolved, truth while it was painful also freed me from my inner torments.

Truth eventually leads to better mental health if you can survive the consequences.

[ReineD]

Everything just spirals out of control because it is all built on falsehood.

What Kelly says is true.

There's a book that made all the difference in my own life, ten years ago. I don't want to be overly dramatic and say that it saved my life, but the difference it made was profound beyond description. Here are three quotes from it:


If I expose my nakedness as a person to you - Do not make me feel shame.

But if I tell you who I am, you may not like who I am, and it is all that I have.

I can only know that much of myself which I have had the courage to confide to you.

Here's a preview of the beginning pages:
http://books.google.com/books?id=bQMqlTX5pqgC&printsec=frontcover&dq=why+am+i+afraid+to+tell+you+who+i+am&source=bl&ots=X5rEuoqpKe&sig=KHrVDoGZnNMf8HwTQqW-_BXybBM&hl=en&sa=X&ei=mmhAUOWxE4iNqwG9xIGYBw&ved=0CC0Q6AEwAA#v=onepage&q=why%20am%20i%20afraid%20to%20tell%20you%20who%20 i%20am&f=false

And here's the link to Amazon if you wish to purchase it:
http://www.amazon.com/Afraid-Tell-Insights-Personal-Growth/dp/0883473232

[Thera Home]

Truth eventually leads to better mental health if you can survive the consequences.



What Kelly says is true.

Whoooaaa...................Thats heavy duty dudes:heehee: ..... zzhhhheeeee...................ahhhhhh:D

Thera

[melissaK]

Thanks for all the posts, stories and tips, and even Thera’s Kibitzing. I can see I’m travelling a path well travelled by others. Someone off Forum reminded me of Peter denying Jesus, and I see that figuring out honesty with others and self, is a really old path. I can see too how emotionally demanding a path its been for you who posted, and I commend you on what you’ve accomplished to to become the women you are.

Kelly and Reine, I understand the points about having to learn to be honest with myself. I liked Reines quotes, and I’ve ordered the book as it seems on target.

Reine asked a bunch of good questions in her first post. As for why I want my wife to consider joining the Forum, its only because I think she could find comfort in not being alone. She knows I am a member here, and I sometimes retell stories of posts and threads, but she keeps her distance about it. I thought she might want to consider the FAB forum. I very much understand that my wife has her own decisions to make and I have no expectation the Forum would provide a biased position favorable to me.

20 years ago my wife and I had each just ended long term marriages and we had learned a few things about relationships. We avoided rebound emotions and we sized each other up for co-dependency issues. We know not to give each other ultimatums or guilt trips to coherce behavior in the other, and we avoid holding the other responsible for our own happiness.

20 years ago gender issues were front and center in my life. While dating my wife bought me clothes and taught me basic make-up. But whether it was crossdressing or transexual issues remained unresolved by me.** I found SRS intimidating and I retreated.

From our position 20 years ago it looked a lot like crossdressing, and a lot like a person could exercise some free will about it, and thus we pursued a relationship and marriage upon some errant assumptions. So obviously things progressively changed for us, and we both know it. My wife is entltled to her feelings about it, to her point of view about it, and she is entitled to make her decisions about it.

As for my past posts on the Forum, they are often “dear diary” like and I’m sure some would show my lack of candor with her in the past which she would find hurtful. I’d prefer she respects my privacy, but I don’t see how I can be honest by merely glossing over the Forum and taking that choice away from her. So, if she elects to participate here, I’ll take the tip of laying my history here out for her in advance.

As for her participation in my HRT. Over the last 3-4 years HRT has been done by me with her knowledge, but not openly so. We are very intimate and my 38C/40B chest isn’t hideable. She doesn’t like my breasts one bit. Can’t blame her. I get it. But she took me up on my invitation to participate more and she asked me to explain what I took. I did. She promptly and correctly challenged me on dosages that I have let creep up beyond what my own explanation said was appropriate.

And we discussed Dr. involvement, both for health reasons, and because for us, in certain medical circles, if I am out she is out as the wife of a MTF. (I have not done that to her.)

While I haven’t been completely honest over the past 20 years, I have been more honest than not. She gets that before HRT I clung to other coping strategies (counseling, hobbies, work a holic, etc) and when they failed it cost me my sanity for awhile. She was there for that.

She gets that TS issues aren’t the province of free will and reason. She has never told me I’m wrong to feel as I do, and she has never asked me to stop HRT. And Reine, if she asked me to quit HRT, I couldn’t say yes. I tried stopping once - it’s not the answer for me. I of course wonder what happens if medically I am asked to stop. I have no answer to that.

As for Reine’s question about where I think I’m going with my transition, I am 5 or 6 years on HRT without pursuing SRS or FTL, and that remains my desire and intent. But the past has made me smart enough not to promise the future, and her smart enough not to ask for such promises.

So far my efforts at cleaning out my metaphorical closet with the broom of honesty have gone ok. She hasn’t left! ;^) I’m not out of the doghouse by a long shot, I’ve got more to work on with myself and I need to do it regardless of what she does.

Again, thanks for all your posts. You girls are all sweeties in my book.

Hugs,
‘lissa (I'm about to change to "long winded lissa")

(** In hind sight, and at the risk of fueling Thera’s arguments, a different therapist 20 years ago might have made a useful difference. I was told I was just a “sensitive guy.” A sensitive guy who subscribed to Tapestry and Chrysalis? and, corresponded with a MTF going into SRS? It was another six or seven years before I found a gender therapist, but by then I was pretty invested in my professional and family life then and I had more complex factors in play.)

[ReineD]

Hi Melissa, sorry if my questions were so nosy, I asked them more as a guide for you to answer them with your wife. If you found it cathartic to tell your story in greater detail, then that's a good thing.

It sounds as if your wife knows just about everything there is to know, as you said you could not hide the breast development resulting from the hormones, and so what remains is for the two of you to navigate the future together and only you can do this. By all means, you should suggest that she join here, if she feels that talking to other wives will help. :hugs: