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RachelDee
11-20-2005, 05:57 PM
So you are talking with a therapist and realise that you are at the very least, a crossdresser/transvestite - but its also possible that this road is leading to something more serious.

I want to tell my family but im 50/50 on it. I have some reasons why i should tell them but also reasons why i dont want them to know (even if they took it well).

I also thought of a new reason today, i have a nephew that used to live nearby - He moved away furthur but he still see's me and such when my sister comes to visit. If i told my family that i think i might want to be a 'girl' and i went ahead in that direction - what would that do to him? He aint got an uncal anymore.. how can you explain something like that to a smaller child? He 'loves' his uncal (at least i hope so ;) lol) so his mum telling him that his uncal is going to be a women now (his aunt) might cause him confusions in future. His parents have already been divorced its just... it would be horrible to be part resonsible for him having problems when he is older (like he decides that he wants to copy his uncal.. or he decides thats what the average person does) and ive seen people in here talking about this and their own children..

Anyway, I thought id list...

Reasons For

1. I could stop having to sneek around and just get on with it.
2. I could dress without fear of being 'caught out'
3. I would be able to be more open about the things im doing, and not have to hide parcels or wear socks out of the bath to cover my feet (painted toes).
4. I could probably do my finger nails at last!! Also take a step futhuer and be able to try other make-up too. I can't at the moment because i would be sussed in hours.
5. Could hopefully get 'support' from Family about it. Including maybe them helping me speak with more people about my concerns and such.
6. Would hopefully make me feel more happier that there isnt a big secret anymore.

Reasons Against

1. They might take it badley, and worst case treat me 'oddly'.
2. They might mention it to other family members that might not take it well either.
3. It's near christmas, if they dont take it well its not the best time.
4. I don't like the idea of my parents 'thinking' of me wearing a dress and girls underwear and such. It would be kinda degrading me in their eyes...
5. They might insist that i stop. I am not sure if i can stop... its a snowball going down a hill at the moment, picking up momentum and speed.
6. They might start crying, that would be bad. And blame themselves and think its some sort of 'illness' that needs to be cured. Or worse think im a twisted pervo kinda of thing...
7. My nephew will find it hard to understand the situation if i become more 'open' about myself. It's not fair on him.

I have also been thinking about the whole 'If you get this wrong it can ruin your life!!' bit as well. I mean, if i 'transitioned' and then i was not happyer as a women. Well, the thing is, If im not happy as a man, then there is only one other option. If i do nothing i stay as i am, and maybe i will be happy in the future? or maybe ill wish i did something. If i do transition, all that pain and emotional stress and such will have not been for anything but i wont have really 'lost' anything... even if i had SRS and realised after that i was not a 'women' either then its not like sex is the be all and end all and the only thing left is death. I can live just as full a life as either sex, but will i know if i would be happy as the other sex unless i actually try?

I'm just trying to figure some stuff out tis all. I don't expect people to have the answers here its just i thought maybe someone who is in a simular situation might be glad to read about someone who is there too...

Elizabeth
11-20-2005, 07:07 PM
Robert,

I do not think it is as simple as trying to quantify your reasons and pick the one that scores the most points, or least points depending on how you scored the "for" and "against".

When and if you "come out", you need to be prepared for people to feel shocked and hurt. Be prepared for them not to understand. Be prepared for your parents to order you to stop crossdressing. Be prepared for a forced purge. Be prepared to go it alone if you choose to continue crossdressing. Be prepared for everyone to know, not just those you tell.

I am not saying all that will happen, but it could. It does happen to some people. I am sure you can read many stories from others who have come out. My dad was already dead when I came out. Not that it mattered because I had already been estranged from him and my mother for many years. I did get divorced from my previous wife, who was totally non-accepting. My brother who had been my best friend and business partner, disowned me, and banned me from his house.

However, I now have a new wife who not only accepts my transsexualism, she embraces who I am. Two of my children chose to stay with me in the break up. My 18 year old son and my 14 year old son. Two of my sisters, whom had been estranged, reached out to me and we are building bridges now. Both totally accept that I am a woman in a man's body. And my second oldest brother reached out to me and also accepts my transsexualism. And my oldest brother who I had to fire from my company came to my house and visited me, after not speaking to me for 7 years.

All in all, my life is way happier. I live as a full time woman now and have not had on male clothing since August 2004. It is wonderful to go and get my nails done. I feel very accepted in my local community and get treated great. I don't work because I am disabled, but I am starting college soon so I can return to the work force.

In the end Robert, you have to decide what is right for you. Don't think that you can predict how others are going to react to you. There really is no way to know. I was surprised by who stood by me and who did not. Only you can know what is right for you. You have to decide based on what you want, not what others want, or how you think so and so will react. Who is out there dressing to please you? What role model is living thier life the way you say they should? You do not have to live your life to please others and I can gaurantee you that if you do, you will never come out, because there will never be people who want you to come out dressed as a woman.

Hope this helps.

Love always,
Elizabeth

Jasmine Ellis
11-21-2005, 09:39 AM
Wise words Elizabeth and I agree with you on this one.

Stephenie
11-21-2005, 10:30 AM
You have a choice that as a younger person well affect you for the rest of your life. Either way you choose. Think about it but remember that you can take forever to decide and that means staying as you are.

arula
11-21-2005, 10:50 AM
So you are talking with a therapist and realise that you are at the very least, a crossdresser/transvestite - but its also possible that this road is leading to something more serious.

I want to tell my family but im 50/50 on it. I have some reasons why i should tell them but also reasons why i dont want them to know (even if they took it well).

I also thought of a new reason today, i have a nephew that used to live nearby - He moved away furthur but he still see's me and such when my sister comes to visit. If i told my family that i think i might want to be a 'girl' and i went ahead in that direction - what would that do to him? He aint got an uncal anymore.. how can you explain something like that to a smaller child? He 'loves' his uncal (at least i hope so ;) lol) so his mum telling him that his uncal is going to be a women now (his aunt) might cause him confusions in future. His parents have already been divorced its just... it would be horrible to be part resonsible for him having problems when he is older (like he decides that he wants to copy his uncal.. or he decides thats what the average person does) and ive seen people in here talking about this and their own children..

Anyway, I thought id list...

Reasons For

1. I could stop having to sneek around and just get on with it.
2. I could dress without fear of being 'caught out'
3. I would be able to be more open about the things im doing, and not have to hide parcels or wear socks out of the bath to cover my feet (painted toes).
4. I could probably do my finger nails at last!! Also take a step futhuer and be able to try other make-up too. I can't at the moment because i would be sussed in hours.
5. Could hopefully get 'support' from Family about it. Including maybe them helping me speak with more people about my concerns and such.
6. Would hopefully make me feel more happier that there isnt a big secret anymore.

Reasons Against

1. They might take it badley, and worst case treat me 'oddly'.
2. They might mention it to other family members that might not take it well either.
3. It's near christmas, if they dont take it well its not the best time.
4. I don't like the idea of my parents 'thinking' of me wearing a dress and girls underwear and such. It would be kinda degrading me in their eyes...
5. They might insist that i stop. I am not sure if i can stop... its a snowball going down a hill at the moment, picking up momentum and speed.
6. They might start crying, that would be bad. And blame themselves and think its some sort of 'illness' that needs to be cured. Or worse think im a twisted pervo kinda of thing...
7. My nephew will find it hard to understand the situation if i become more 'open' about myself. It's not fair on him.

I have also been thinking about the whole 'If you get this wrong it can ruin your life!!' bit as well. I mean, if i 'transitioned' and then i was not happyer as a women. Well, the thing is, If im not happy as a man, then there is only one other option. If i do nothing i stay as i am, and maybe i will be happy in the future? or maybe ill wish i did something. If i do transition, all that pain and emotional stress and such will have not been for anything but i wont have really 'lost' anything... even if i had SRS and realised after that i was not a 'women' either then its not like sex is the be all and end all and the only thing left is death. I can live just as full a life as either sex, but will i know if i would be happy as the other sex unless i actually try?

I'm just trying to figure some stuff out tis all. I don't expect people to have the answers here its just i thought maybe someone who is in a simular situation might be glad to read about someone who is there too...

I think in this situation you have to decide what you don't want to lose in your life. Knowing my family's views on these kinds of things was instrumental in my decision to keep it separate in my life. Because I have 'blossomed" so to speak, late, I was at a crossroads, and took a path that I knew would keep peace in the neighborhood. XO Arula.

Natasha Anne
11-21-2005, 12:54 PM
They say when you decide to transition you should be prepared to lose everything. I don't quite agree with the statement, but the sentiment can be put to good use.

When I look at your Reason's Against, all I see is "they", not you. You're not writing what effect their negative reactions will have on you, you're showing more concern for "them". It's admirable to think like that, and I still do. So how did I get past this thinking.

Well I didn't really, but at some point I reached a moment in my life where the consequences could no longer stop me from proceeding. I just became overwhelmed and knew I needed to transition or face a worse fate.

You no doubt already know that in order to proceed you will need to face these consequences and you'll be able to do so with full integrity, and also be able to explain to "them" that the changes you're making are not about "them" and all about you.

All the things you've written may we happen, the only things you're neglecting, is that:

1) People will surprise you. If your relationships are strong and love abounds, it been my experience, even at work, that people react favourably, not horribly, most of the time. The negative people will actually be in the minority. I understand your fear and transition certainly takes courage. Courage is not the lack of fear, it's proceeding despite the fear.
2) You're forgetting that how you tell people is as important as the information you're telling. So talk openly and honestly. Let them know how this feels for you, and how important it is to transition. Many of them understand if you're open and honest and they can see you're showing courage in telling them and being vulnerable. Those that choose that moment to be nasty really aren't worth bothering about anyway. I'm telling this from experience, as this is how I've tried to approach my transition, and so far it's gone much better than expected.

Last, but not least, until your uncertaintly goes away I would really recommend you do not proceed. Not only will uncertainty contribute to self-doubt and "not being happier as a women", others will sub-conciously pick up on your self-doubt and it will cause the reactions you so much want to avoid. If you accept yourself, and make it OK to be yourself, others will pick up on that and generally react favourably. Some of them may even share their deepest secrets with you (as I've experienced!).

One day it will hit you head-on, and if it doesn't enjoy your life the way it is.

No matter what you choose, seeing a clinical psychiatrist experienced in this subject matter is a great way to go. Mine certainly asks questions that result in me thinking for weeks on end sometimes. He certainly helped me clarify my own thinking and helped me accept myself, and I'm sure one will help you find your own self-acceptance for whatever it is you choose to be.

Good luck no matter how you proceed.

Hugs
Tasha

RachelDee
11-21-2005, 07:21 PM
Thankyou for the responses :) as always the CD forums are full of helpful and supportive people.

My doubts are that of course its not really what i want, maybe im just trying too hard to make it the case, maybe because the label is better than being a 'transvestite' or 'crossdresser'. The fact is that i want to be female, and the stuff about me thats male i dont really like. I thought it was just sexual or something, and while it is there, ive also realised its something else - and something a bit deeper than just wanting to 'look' like a female. Is there a 'right' feeling to why someone wants to be the opposite sex?

I would be happy to wear jeans, a t-shirt and tennis shoes - but still be female i dont think its just about wearing dress's/heels and such (though i love heels :o ). I want to wear pink trainers, i want to wear pink/yellow tops. I want to go for the 'goth' look with the lace (tasteful goth :P) and i want to just be me and i think 'me' would fit more into te female catogory than male....

Well anyhow i think things are coming to a head right now. My parents have been a little suspicious and ive 'come out' to my sister as it were. I am awaiting her response but she thought i was trying to tell her i was gay at first... so i had to tell her in the end. When she thought i was saying i was 'gay' she was saying about loving me unconditionally and that i could tell her anything so....

My parents think, that im 'gay', i think. It seems they are making the connection of me possibly buying womens clothes (which i denied buying incidentally), wearing 'nail vanish' (i think my mother has 'caught' a brief glimpse once or twice...) and they think that the 'conclusion' is that im gay.... i tried to dispell this by telling them im not but it was embarassed and it didnt come out too well so i think they think that is the case but i just dont want to admit it.

My dad keeps making jokes (well not jokes, just comments but half-serious/half-unserious) about when i get mail 'Maybe its a dress to match your stockings' and such...

Well anyawy i await my sisters response to my email. Hopefully she really did mean what she said :)

Lauren_T
11-21-2005, 08:11 PM
Robert, about all this 'gay' talk... First objection people pop up with. It didn't take me long to learn to answer the first hint of that with words to the effect of: "Y'know, you rilly don't have to be gay to like nice things." I usually follow it up straightaway with "Besides, just think about it: gay guys like guys, don't they? They're into manliness, not girls or girly stuff! I mean! Look at the Village People if you don't believe me..." :p

No, of course it's not 100% true, it's a generalisation - but it makes the point. With everyone who's brought my girliosity up, it's stopped 'em dead in their tracks, it has. :D And it's all downhill from there...

Natasha Anne
11-22-2005, 02:19 AM
I would be happy to wear jeans, a t-shirt and tennis shoes - but still be female i dont think its just about wearing dress's/heels and such (though i love heels :o ). I want to wear pink trainers, i want to wear pink/yellow tops. I want to go for the 'goth' look with the lace (tasteful goth :P) and i want to just be me and i think 'me' would fit more into te female catogory than male....


That's the essence of it really, when clothing is less of a fetish and jeans and tops still don't dent the fact you're female, I'd say you've arrived.

As I finally took the courageous step into accepting myself as transsexual, the need for the fancy finery went away. I wear slacks, jeans and tops quite happily now, and only dress up for evenings or special occasions. I don't even bother with breast forms or wigs anymore, even though I have practically no boobs and my hair is not long enough yet. I just don't feel the need to have anything artificial on my person anymore.

Well done in discovered this (the quote above) about yourself. I think it's a huge step you've taken.

RachelDee
11-22-2005, 08:20 PM
I got a reply from my sister, she seems to have taken the news well...



Hi Again! We must stop chatting like this lol

Ok so I was wrong with the gay thing, serves me right for trying to be a know it all lol
I will be honest and say initially (well for the first couple of seconds!) I was shocked, but nothings changed! I still love you, you will always be my brother and I will support you in any way I can and that includes helping you with mum and dads reaction. (and anyone else's for that matter!).

o all I can do for now is reiterate how much I love you and that I'm here for you for ANYTHING! If you want me to do anything just ask, no judgements, no making you feel bad, just me being there for you.

Does Paul know? Is he being supportive?

You can contact me anytime, so don't feel worried that you're bothering me. I'm checking my emails every morning, as you can see, just in case you have emailed me.

Take care of you
Love Janey xx

Hmmm i think thats good, at least she does not think im gay now anyway lol (Btw Paul is an MSN contact i have chated too for a while) and well even though its prolly just me and read a little too much into it... in some ways i felt she thought it was a 'bad' thing but she wont judge me and loves me no matter what hmmmm.... its a good start i think.

Btw thankyou there Natasha, you made a good point. Can i ask btw, since ive not been around here that long -- Did you always think you were 'female' or did it start with CDing then the realisation from there?

Natasha Anne
11-22-2005, 11:24 PM
Btw thankyou there Natasha, you made a good point. Can i ask btw, since ive not been around here that long -- Did you always think you were 'female' or did it start with CDing then the realisation from there?

I've always been female, but the coping mechanisms haven't been there. So between running and hiding and fear for my career and losing my family I progressed through the "ranks" from closest crossdresser (sleepwear, stuff like that) to more out there. My wife picked up I was a lot different to the crossdresser support group I went to and that was a good ten years ago. She had me figured out then, even though I didn't want to admit it at the time.

The reality, is nothing got rid of the white noise in my head until I started to transition.

In fact I'd say crossdressing, and knowing I'm not a crossdresser, actually made it worse. I've always just wanted to fit in with the female population, be able to do what I need to in daily life and just move on.

I wish I could have transitioned sooner. I feel like I've missed so many experiences that other women have and that define them, but that was plain impossible at the time.

I'll end by saying no matter how old, I don't think it is ever too late to transition, but transitioning earlier is more useful. I feel like I've wasted so many years of my life, which is why I'm tackling this rapidly, and head-on at the moment.

lydia7
11-23-2005, 10:00 AM
I am in complete agreement with our sister here. It is not about sexuality, but gender identity. I transitioned at a very early age and have really no idea of an adult life from a male perspective. I only have one wardrobe and who I am is not defined by that. I love sports and technology gadgets (I work in IT), and I even have guy "buddies" who accept my female gender and respect my masculine interests. I am a jeans type of girl, but I tend to wear revealing tops (I am soo infatuated with my own busom). Anyway...I cannot stress this enough...Femininity is not about clothes. I don't feel less of a woman in jeans or a pants suit. I feel less like a woman when I cannot be myself. Honesty begins with yourself.

From a traditional sense, I would be considered gay, but that was only the first thought for my parents and childhood friends. I have been full-time female (post SRS) for many years, so I don't see myself as anything but a hetero woman now. I like and date men, but I can definitely appreciate a good looking CD oo GG as well, lol. Your orientation has nothing to do with your gender decision (I know many gay men who cannot see themselves as a woman in any way.) The "real" RLT is the tipping of the scale from your 50/50 to like 90/10 or even 100%.

Try this: When you go to sleep at night, lay out two sets of clothes that fit your style from either stereotypical gender but don't use any favorites (For instance I LOVE heels, so I would select a casual mule or flats). When you wake up and shower, immediately put on the ensemble that you feel most comfortable wearing the whole day and make the commitment to that choice. If you wake up every day choosing the "femme" attire, then you have made a style decision. The gender decision comes from how you want to be viewed every day regardless of that attire and how you think of yourself. In that situation, your mirror will tell you what to do...

Best of luck with it!:angel:

Kim E
11-23-2005, 11:37 AM
Anyway...I cannot stress this enough...Femininity is not about clothes. I don't feel less of a woman in jeans or a pants suit. I feel less like a woman when I cannot be myself. Honesty begins with yourself.

Lydia makes an excellent point here. Honesty with yourself is very important. Each issue of crossdressing, TG, TS, transition, HRT, RLT all have to be taken from the perspective of how you actually feel inside as a person.

When I was 6, I felt different. When I was 12, I knew I was different. I knew with my whole mind, heart, soul and body, that I was born the wrong gender. I wasted a lifetime because I wouldn't accept who I actually was. Now I live almost 24/7 as a female and am very happy.

We all have to make decisions in life and I've found the ones made honestly over time are usually the best. Only you know whats best for you and how you actually feel inside.

Kim

RachelDee
11-25-2005, 11:29 AM
I think i made a choice, this morning actually. I keep having dreams with me being female. Not just once but quite a few times, im not sure if im actually a GG or CDer in the dreams. I just know im me and im wearing clothes i want to wear and im with other GG's (no it was a party nothing dodgy :P) and well i woke up this morning and was happy until i realised it was a dream. lol. I looked down as ud owhen you pull the covers back toget out of bed and felt 'happy' with myself until i realised that a) it was a dream and b) i still had... man parts :o...

I was talking to someone recentley and they reckoned that i couldnt be 'female' because i have done the 'M' word. If i was female i wouldnt like what i had so i wouldnt... but hormones are powerful things at least i assume thats why. Latley its become less anyway, and ive always seen myself as a 'women' with things of that nature (not as a man with a woman). I say its become less btw because i find it confusing so avoid it or just dont feel like it -- its become harder for me to become 'excited' anyhow and im not overly sure why. Anyhow enough of that :)...

I think im going to tell my Therapist that i feel this is more than just crossdressing/tv next time i see him and that i want to move to the next step if i can (there is still plenty of time to turn back but maybe if i start things moving it will help). He has been wanting me to explore and try and find out the meaning for myself, if im not happy a guy, and i feel complete as a 'girl' but not complete enough when dressed (sometimes i feel just like an ugly man in a dress) then what other option is there left :confused: