Is it fair to ask our SO to keep our CD/TG/TS status secret?

[Marleena]

A thread by Marlana in which her SO outed her made me want to ask this. In her case her CD status was made known to her sister by her wife.

Is it ever okay to break this trust?

Is the secret too much for an SO to keep to themselves?

Everyone is welcome to reply.

[Stephenie S]

Once you tell ANYONE else, it's no longer a secret.

If you have a secret, it's only a secret if you tell no one.

Of course you can request your SO not to tell, but who and what we talk to and about is our business.

I can hear your wife right now saying EXACTLY what you said to her.

"Listen sis, I have something to tell you but you have GOT to promise not to tell anyone else. It's a secret. John likes to dress up in women's clothes! Don't tell a soul, OK?"

I repeat. Once you tell anyone, it's no longer a secret.

S

[linda allen]

Your SO should keep your secret just as you should keep their secret. Crossdressing or otherwise.

My wife and I kid about telling our friends or better yet, me just showing up somewhere wearing my boobs, but it's clear it's just kidding. She wouldn't want to embarass me or herself.

[Kassandra56]

Must admit I've always expected my wife would discuss with someone else especially her closest sibling and we have never discussed my dressing being a secret. I feel she supports in every way she can but if at any time she feels some stress around the situation I think it's only fair to expect she would discuss with someone else very close to her.

k

[STACY B]

Bring it all out in the open so everyone will know !!! Then its not a secrete to know one ,,,,, An then it will be common Place that we all do it an there will be power in numbers ,,It might sting a little at first ,,But look on the Bright side ,,Ya never know who will be standing next to ya ? Might be Surprised ? No more hiding an then wqe will be FREE ,,,Free I tell ya ,,,Free !!!!!!!!!! Like meeeeeeeeee

[BRANDYJ]

Good question Marleena. But to many variables to give one answer to fit all.

If the SO is having a hard time accepting or understanding issues about crossdressing and she has a very trusted friend or relative she trusts to confide in, then she should have the right to find support for what she is dealing with just as the C mate does.

When I told my second wife, the very first person I ever told, she had a very difficult time dealing with it. She had a very close girlfriend that she trusted and felt the need to confide in her. When she told me that she had done this, since we never even discussed who to tell or not to tell, I was very upset. When she told me she needed a friend to talk to, I then eased up and accepted and understood that she had to talk to someone about it. This was long before we had the Internet and readily available information on the subject. It helped her to come around and accept me much better. On the positive side, her friend gave me some of her hand me downs in a way of saying she accepted me too.

The point is, some of us, and our SO's need someone to talk to and help them understand or cope with their feelings.
My present SO has told a few of her long time trusted friends. I trust her judgment on who to tell and who not to. So with 100% trust in place, I trust her judgement on the matter as much as my own on who to tell.
If the SO tells someone out of spite or to be hurtful, then that is just wrong.

So yes, it's fair to ask them to keep it a secret, but there are exceptions as the need may arise for them to tell someone. I know my SO and trust her choices.

[kimdl93]

Honestly, I think that an SO should be able to confide in a friend or family member if she wishes, but it would be better from a trust stand point, if she at least talked about it with her partner. I know at least one of my wife's friends is aware of me and it hasn't affected our relationship.

[linda allen]

Honestly, I think that an SO should be able to confide in a friend or family member if she wishes, but it would be better from a trust stand point, if she at least talked about it with her partner. I know at least one of my wife's friends is aware of me and it hasn't affected our relationship.
Yes, but you are "out and about" as a female so it's not a "secret". People know about your dressing already.

For those still in the closet or who plan to remain in the closet, I think it's a breach of trust. In the case of the OP, the wife apparently told the sister as payback for something he did that she wasn't pleased about. Not to get a burden off her chest, but to punish the husband.

[Roni Lynn 68]

I agree. I trust my SO enough with my secret to allow her in, at least I should be able to allow her to trust others. I should also be told who she confided our secret with, who knows maybe this is a way for more people to understand crossdressers are "normal" people.

[Kate Simmons]

A secret known to two is no longer a secret, so be prepared. I was formerly in Army Intel. Everything there was done on a "need to know" basis.:)

[Diana L]

I have the opposite problem. I want to be out to most people but my wife insists that it be kept secret. I think she is afraid of what people will think of her.

Diana L

[BRANDYJ]

What about a couple that never discussed either of them telling anyone else. It simply never came up between them. Either or both just assume that the other won't tell anyone. So if it's never been brought up and the SO decides for whatever reason other then spite, then I don't feel it's a breach of trust.
Each relationship has different dynamics and levels of communication, trust, tolerance, acceptance and understanding. And yes, even the amount of love for each other. How many marriages have gone from love to merely existing in the same home for the sake of the children, money or it's just comfortable? With all these varibles, I still say there is no one right answer.


I have the opposite problem. I want to be out to most people but my wife insists that it be kept secret. I think she is afraid of what people will think of her.

Diana L


Hi Diana, Yes that is different. I hope you respect and honor your wife's wishes. Her feelings are important and need to be understood and respected.

[katie_barns]

Part of being married is respecting each other and keeping secrets. My wife has confided in me things, I will never tell anyone. I expect she can do the same for me.

[RADER]

Part of being married is respecting each other and keeping secrets. My wife has confided in me things, I will never tell anyone. I expect she can do the same for me.

I Totally agree; If you trust your wife and confide in her your desire to wear women's clothes,
Than she should keep the secret. Now if you tell someone out side of the Marriage, You should ask her
first if it is OK with her. Remember the fact that you are a CDer might be a concern to her image
as well. and may not want the "Cat out of the Bag"
Even in the Law, The wife can not tell things about her husband that would be considered privilege
communication ( Pillow Talk ).
So I would say that communication would be the best way to address this area.
Rader

[Marie-Elise]

Yes, I think that an SO should be bound by secrecy of his/her partner wishes. I think that this is one of the reasons we have an SO, isn't it? Someone to confide in? Someone who will not break that trust? Someone who will maintain the confidentiality the other seeks and the security that provides?

Otherwise, we could all just tell therapists our secrets. They are bound to confidentiality by law and can suffer professional and/or financial penalties for revealing secrets.

[lynnmcarthur]

It is odd but I wished my SO had told people or at least discussed it. It turns out she has much more shame over this than me

[ReineD]

If a CDer is closeted, a SO needs to ask permission to tell someone else about this, simply because the CDer will still have to deal with this person in guy mode, and there is a risk that the third party will treat the CDer differently because the third party may be biased.

Also, the motive in wanting to tell is hugely important. If it is an attempt to garner sympathy for a behavior that the wife does not condone, or to be vindictive in any way, this will fuel any bias that may be present in the third party and it is not a good reason to tell.

If, however, there is no bias against the CDing, yet there are challenges to overcome and the SO needs a trusted person to talk to, or the SO feels she is being dishonest with her mother or sister, (for example, if the couple goes way for regular weekends dressed and the mother is constantly asking, "Where DO you go all the time?"), then she should be allowed to tell, as long as the third party is trusted to keep the info confidencial and will not think any less of the CDer ... which, BTW, is often influenced by the SO's own attitudes about this.

[Jocelyn Quivers]

It is fair to ask but not too realistic to expect most people even a SO or wife to keep such a very big secret which in many ways effects them just as much as the partner. I have been blessed and very lucky in that my wife has not told anyone as far as I know. When I told her however, I did so with the expectation that she most likely will tell someone eventually and that I needed to be prepared just to come out of the closet completely to everyone in my life just in case.

I have been told very personal things by my wife and other family members and friends with the understanding that I will take such information "to the grave" with me. I guess it's easier for me to do so because of my own secrets. On a lighter note my wife has told others that I shave everything, do laser and electrolysis, as a way of somewhat letting a bit of the secret out without telling anyone the whole secret.

All of which can be explained quite easily Shaving- "I lift weights, run, etc." Electro and Laser- "I don't feel like spending all of my money on Just for Men beard or mustache products, so I figured it's just easier to permanently remove all facial hair and be done with it." "I decided to get rid of my facial hair, because I'm one of those guys who has very severve razor bumps and blisters and it was just too painful for me to shave."

[reb.femme]

My wife needed someone to talk to about me, as it is one hell of a secret and a game changer for some. She has a very close relationship with her sister so she has confided in her, something we discussed prior to the event. For myself, I really don't care who knows now, so long as my wife is happy with that person knowing and no crap comes to our doorstep.

Rebecca x

[ColleenA]

To respond to the title of this thread: Of course it's fair to ASK. What's not OK is to insist -- the SO shouldn't be put in a position of dealing with such information in isolation.

When I was in my 20s, I came out to my wife after we'd been married about 2 or 3 years, hoping for understanding and acceptance. (I wasn't dressing when we got married, but it creeped back into my life.) What I didn't realize was that she was totally unprepared to deal with it. The biggest consequence was that to process the information and her reactions, she turned to her No. 1 confidante -- her mother.

This move caught me totally off-guard, but I didn't blame my wife as I had never asked her to keep it a secret; I simply assumed she would hide it just as I had done for 10 years. Meanwhile, her mother and I never talked about the matter, but I knew she knew -- and she knew I knew she knew.

After a few stabs at trying to work through things with my wife, things got to the point where the dressing went underground, but was added to the list of problems that led to divorce a few years later.

Overall, then, I take a contradictory stance: you have every right to wish for this private matter to remain private outside your home or outside your bedroom, but such should not be without regard for your partner's reactions and needs.

[Lorileah]

I never expected my wife or SO to keep anything secret. I assumed that they were smart enough to let those who could handle it know and trust that they would keep it to themselves in most instances. My wife shared with her friends but on the other hand it wasn't a secret. It was just something we didn't flaunt in most cases. When she told her best work friend she found out the co-worker's husband was also a CD. I tried for 5 years to get him to feel comfortable enough to be open...never happened (yet he would do yard work in a dress...go figure:strugglin)

[LilSissyStevie]

You can ask whatever you like and they can do whatever they want. Is it fair? As they say around here, "The fair* is in Pomona."


*L. A. County Fair

[Frédérique]

Is it fair to ask our SO to keep our CD/TG/TS status secret?

I think so. This MtF crossdressing is a highly inexplicable thing, and you can’t expect many people to see you in a good light after an unwanted disclosure of this nature. The general public is just not able to grasp such a concept, since it falls WAY outside the realm of normal behavior. To you and I, crossdressing is benign in the extreme, joyful in its simplicity, and interesting on all levels, but it will never be “common knowledge” that boys may wish to be girls on occasion. It will certainly never be accepted as a valid human characteristic, which it is (and should be)...

I told my girlfriend about my crossdressing years ago. I never told her to keep it a secret, but she did so for five years. When we broke up, she spilled the beans out of spite, knowing I would most likely be very embarrassed by such a disclosure. Shortly thereafter, I was assailed from all sides, but I was more amused than hurt by the proceedings. It only showed me the depth of ignorance that exists out in the real world, and, I must say, I wouldn’t be able to post on a site like this one if I had not made my unsolicited journey through the wringer...

If someone would obviously welcome the news that you are indeed a crossdresser (blessed art thou amongst boys!), I don’t see any harm in it, but it isn’t the type of thing you can tell everyone. I would ask my informed SO to keep things discrete at all times...
:straightface:

[Lainie]

My therapist said "Everyone has to tell a secret once". It may be a lot to ask your SO not to share ever, especially since she probably shares everything with a few people--family & best friends. Women are like that.
My wife is distressed that she can't tell anyone, & afraid she might blurt it out. I don't ask her to keep it secret, she just is very afraid that it would damage relationships with my sons & my friends.

So be understanding--she's under some stress here as well. Let her deal with it the best way she can.

[Kaz]

One word... but a complex concept... TRUST

It can take years to build it - it takes a second to destroy it...

[NicoleScott]

Of course it's OK to ask. You can ask someone you barely know for a kidney. You probably won't get it, but it's OK to ask.

[Badtranny]

some people like having little secrets, others don't.

Personally, my life didn't really begin until I stopped hiding things.

...Secrets are bad. mmkay?

[heatherdress]

If a spouse or partner requests privacy, they should be respected. Unless the request is harmful, feared or illegal behavior, spouses and SOs should never betray their loved one.

[KellyJameson]

I would not associate with someone who did not respect my privacy and I certainly could not love them. This is a boundary violation.

Each person should have the right to decide what they need to do to feel safe because what hurts one may not hurt another, it is very personal and should always be respected.

Outing someone could be a form of intimidation through humiliation, exposing the person to violence and I would be inclined to question the persons moral character
who did the outing.

Gossip can destroy lives even if there was no intention to.

Love is about protecting the loved one when the request for protection is reasonable and the request for privacy is very reasonable because it is necessary to life.

[Marcia Blue]

My wife works in the medical records world. Confidentiality is paramount, or you lose your job, and the possibility of any future in the field. She would not even tell me if a family member was dying, unless she was told to by the family member, to tell me. That being said, she has never told anyone about my CDing. I on the other hand told our best couple friends. I made the mistake of not talking to her first. She was PO-ed for a little while. I will not do that again without, her prior knowledge. So in closing, I think the confidentiality clause, should go both ways.

The couple has been very supportive of us both, and it sure feels good to have a close couple in the loop.

[Lady Panda]

From my point of view.....The SO is obligated to keep the secret for it is not hers to share ...However, ther are a couple of exceptions: To a licensed professional that is obligated by law to keep anything in confidence: or to a support group such as this ....that confidentiality or annonymity is the standard or a given. the 3rd is when the person gains the approval from the owner of the seceret to disclose to a particular individual or individuals beforehand.

Otherwise it would be breaking the trust....This type of seceret is a real biggie and not fair to out anyone.

I know I struggled with feeling a sense of guilt when I first started confiding here...thankfully all you gals help me come to terms w my sharing. and that I told my SO I am a member here......Which by the way turned out fine.

[Mikaela]

My SO doesnt keep it as a secret. It's not out of cruelty, in her case, she probably accepts it better than I do. She simply doesn't see it as anything wrong or to be ashamed of. In her circles, it's her thing, but she wouldn't tell my dad or anything (my mom knows). It does cause issue when we're out shopping (me in drab) and she'll hold up something pretty and say this would look good on you, or, you should try on those heels.

[linda allen]

You are not breaking a trust when you are using an annoymous screen name for yourself and don't mention the other person's name.

Now, let's turn the OP's situation around. Let's say his wife had something she was trying to keep secret. Let's say she was a former prostitute but had changed her ways, had children and a respectable job. Let's say her husband (the OP) got mad at her and told her secret to someone in her family.

How does that sound when the shoe is on the other foot?

[NathalieX66]

I outed myself to a bunch of close friends and family members. It's not so easy to go through life when I come out of nowhere to having hair that is now brushing my shoulders, and colored, and the beard is gone, I'm 25 lb's lighter these days, and people are just going to plainly suspect that I have an affinity to having a girly image as of late, and thus their imagination wanders. Oh well, such is life. My girl photos on my guy FB page pretty much set the pace for me, lots of hilarious comments, no friends lost or abandoned.
A buddy of mine invited me to a backyard barbecue last weekend , which he brought his band to play. I was in my guy self. I did a couple of numbers with them , and at the end of the last song (Good Girls Don't by the Knack) he made a dig at my crossdressing, which was all good and fun. Lol! The things beer does! We are , and always be, great friends.
Sometimes it's a very tricky thing to come out. You truly never know who will keep you as a friend, or who you will lose.

[Jamie Ann]

Most of the crossdressers I know exercise quite a bit of discretion. Coworkers, neighbors, church members, and others in their day-to-day lives typically do not know that they are crossdressers. In the ideal world, of course, we would not want to hide important parts of ourselves from others; however, in the real world, sometimes we must. We often must hide some things from others who have some power over us, such as a boss who would not approve and might deny us pay raises, promotions, or even our continued employment.

As for SO’s keeping each other’s secrets, the consequences of not doing so could affect the lives of two persons, not just the one with the secret. If I lose my job, then our household has less money to spend on food, paying the bills, and entertainment. If juicy parts of her sexual past become known to our neighbors, then she might be looked upon less favorably by those neighbors; but I could be regarded differently, too, based on my continuing association with her. The important points are that (1) outsiders often are judgmental, and (2) their negative judgments potentially could affect both SO’s for the worse.

Should we keep someone else’s secret? Well, assuming that we do not want there to be adverse consequences, we should keep someone else’s secret. Tolerance for transgender persons has been increasing, but as of 2012 it still is both fair and necessary to ask our SO to keep our CD/TG/TS status secret, at least from those who would not understand it and might use that knowledge against us.

Just one girl’s fallible opinion!

[Angiemead12]

In the beginning my wife did tell quite a few people but now she realized that she shouldnt have... I dont really care anymore! But I think because the secret is to big to burden on her own she has to share it with her constituents.

[Nadine Annette]

They have as much to lose as you do. My wife has told several people about me and they respect me for exploring my feminine side.

[JohannaSophia]

If the CD is in the home and private between the couple it ought to stay there.

If it is a couples road show it will probably be public knowledge anyway unless it is performed only well away from home base. We are nudists and used to worry about being found out but social nudity is such are private activity by a select group out of the public eye that we don't feel obligated to go out of state anymore. There are so many unforgiving conservative hyper-religious people out there that we appreciate the privacy.

[Nocturnal Kaylee]

I've told three partners about my dressing. One went horrible complete with blackmail attempts and everything. One went ok she gave me a makeover but ended up making vague threats after we broke up. The third has gone great, she's trans though so that's probably why she's so accepting.

[donnalee]

I take things a bit further than that; I assume that anything told me is in confidence and can only be told to another with the express permission of the confidant. My late partner was the same way and I would expect the same from any in my future.

[Jane G]

My wife and I know plenty of things about one another that we don't share with other people. It's a matter of who you trust. I trust no one more than her. On the specific topic it's a mutal agreement to keep my crossdressing from others. There are times when I would love the world at large to know about this side of my personality. My good lady has always wanted it kept between us and I will always respect her view, as I did not tell her before we were married.

[k lynn]

I was married for 18 years right after my ex filed for divorice she told most of my friends and all my co-workers about me my family has know about since I was a kid and my ex knew about me since our teens. she said she done it out of spite it caused me a few friends who really werent friends and some co-workers had a few laughs but in the end it made me a much better person now I have nothing to hide

[PretzelGirl]

My therapist said "Everyone has to tell a secret once"

The way I always approached this is that if I was going to tell someone, then I was going to be okay with them telling someone also. I just asked that I knew who so that I did get any surprises. What I found in all but one case, the first person told someone and then that second person was happy not needing to tell anyone else because they could talk with the first and didn't feel like they were holding in a secret. I have had zero issues with this approach so far.

[Leslie Langford]

Not really an issue in our case, as my wife is so "old school" and has had such a hard time accepting my crossdressing that she would be absolutely mortified if someone outside of our immediate family ever found out that I was a crossdresser.

I guess in her world view, it would be just as shameful to admit to being married to a crossdresser as it is to actually be one - if not more so. We would then be the laughing stock of the entire world, and everyone would be making rude comments and constantly snickering behind our backs. That's because they have no lives of their own, of course, and we are the center of their respective universes. And OMG! - what would the neighbours say? After all, we see them practically every day, and how could we ever face them again if I were ever outed? So my guess is - even if someone adopted Viet Cong tactics, shoved bamboo splints under her fingernails and then lit them, she still wouldn't crack and divulge our little "secret".

The only people who know about my crossdressing at this point are my two adult children, and they found out separately from me when I was essentially backed into a corner as a result of a huge fight that my wife had precipitated on both occasions. The subject at the time - as usual - was my crossdressing, despite my strict adherence to her DADT rules. Not the ideal way to spring this on my children, but being open-minded, they took it very well and are very supportive. We haven't talked about it since, and it has essentially become a non-issue between us.

True, my wife has softened her stance regarding my crossdressing since those incidents, but it still remains a huge barrier between us. For her, it is still the type of secret that she will take to the grave if she has any choice about it.

That said, I have gotten to know a number of women since starting to go out en femme over the last 5 years or so, and it has been quite a revelation for me. These ladies have only ever met "Leslie", mind you, but they also know that there is more to her than meets the eye. They are not only intrigued by "Leslie", they are also super supportive, and I feel totally at ease in their presence. What a contrast!

[Jenniferathome]

A resounding "yes" from me. It Is our secret, not hers. Now while she has been brought in to the circle of trust that does not obviate the respect for privacy.

[Carol P]

For all of my CDing life I have been worried about being caught.,worried about what others would think worried about letting my family down and worried about anyone seeing me.Now that I have told my wife, have I not passed on these worries to her as well? I know that I felt better for telling my wife,so I would think that it would be human nature for her to talk to someone close if she chose to.I would however hope that she would talk to me about it first.

[monalisa]

Just don't get in an ugly divorce situation or everyone in the world will know including her lawyer. So keep the wife very very happy.

[Angela Campbell]

If I trusted someone enough to tell this secret to and she didn't keep it a secret I would have a lot of trouble ever trusting her again with anything. It would likely eventually end the relationship. Without trust what is going to grow? It is not just a lack of trust it is a lack of respect. If she respects her friends more than her spouse, with whom she took an oath, and shows this kind of lack of concern about her husbands feelings and privacy, then there really is no real marriage.

[reb.femme]

I know that my 'alternative lifestyle' was a burden for my wife in isolation, so I said she could tell her sister. No problems there, and I fully expect that she will tell her husband, a mate or several etc. etc. :heehee:

It's more my own brothers and sister I wouldn't tell and the locals. Other than that, I couldn't give a rat's bottom!

Rebecca

[Melissa_59]

And my former SO outed me intentionally to so many people it's not funny - anyone who would listen to her. Then she tried to use the knowledge against me in the divorce proceedings so she could blackmail alimony out of me. Luckily my lawyer told me to call her bluff, since it's not a crime in Texas to be a cross dresser. All I can say is you never know. When my former SO first found out, she was ok with it. But as the years went by and more and more things drove us to divorce, she decided to use every advantage she could think of to hurt me and try to get as much money out of me as possible.

Just be careful.

[Gerrijerry]

That is an interesting question. The answer would depend on how well the SO can handle the information. Many wives need support with the issue. They will over time talk to someone about it. The stress of being a cross dresser is very hight the stress on the SO is just as high. My personally feeling is someone will find out sooner or later it is just a matter of time. I suggest being prepared for others to know and being able to talk about how you feel about it. You can not expect everyone to be understanding however I have found most are.

[Miriam-J]

It's interesting that this thread should pop up again today. I was just talking with my wife about this last night. She freaked me out by sharing my secret with one of her closest friends about a week after I told her a few years ago - while I was listening to her talking on the phone. No harm came, but I was still pretty nervous since I had kept my secret very tightly for 30+ years. Still, I appreciated, as Gerri expressed, that it's important for her to be able to talk with someone.

Now I've gained enough confidence in my own crossdressing and in our friends that I was able to tell her that she can feel free to share with close friends, as long as she let's me know. Since she's really pretty relaxed about it now I don't expect her to feel the need, but it's OK if she does. The ones most likely to accept it are those she knew when she was involved in the BDSM community, and they're about the most accepting group you could ever know.

We also talked about how it would be nice to share this with another of the GGs or couples that we're friends with, though we couldn't figure out which one and may not act on that. This would help me to have someone else to talk with, and something else to share together with them. It'll be interesting to see how that works out. Of course, if we have many more adventures like last night's (separate thread), it may happen accidentally ;-)

Miriam

[mikiSJ]

Yes, it is fair to ask your SO to keep what you want private private.

Turn the tables and ask if it would be okay to blab about your SO's abortion, mastectomy, gay affair...

[TeresaL]

Off the cuff, if the,wife finding out about her mate's Transgender issue, caused a severe mental and nervous breakdown, then yes, she may reach out for help by telling others.

Bringing another party into the picture just may give your wife the ability to live and breathe. Especially if she was so stricken by it that she had to get medical and mental profess nail (spellchecker LOL) help. Irregardless, as ascertained on this site, some wives can take it in stride. They were probably better educated socially, and able to adapt.

OTOH, I sure didn't feel better that I was outed to everyone in our personal social circle, including all my adult kids and most of our family. But the end result twenty years later is that my kids studied up, learned LGBT issues, and have helped my wife to understand transgender life much better than I can.

After a long and arduous battle, I'm free to be me now.

[Regan]

My wife found out this summer and she has told no one. I told my sister because I needed the support. I think it depends on the spouse and how the marriage is going at the time, I do not think the spouse should out you but it happens.

Regan

[heatherdress]

Not only is it OK to ask one's SO not to tell others about intimate behavor or feelings, it should be assumed that confidentiality would be maintained even without requesting it. The only exceptions I can think of would be related to abusive, illegal or health-threatening behavor. If a SO needs to talk to someone else, they should first discuss and obtain agreement with their partner. The SO can always seek professional help, if needed, and confidentiality would be uncompromised.

Likewise: Is it OK to speak to someone else about our SO's sexual performance? Discovery that they frequent porn websites? Personal notes made in a journal? Discussions overheard in a phone conversation? Sharing a sexually explicit picture made by them? - No! No! No! No! No!

Personal and intimate behavor, activities, and secrets should always remain private between partners.

[lingerieLiz]

My wife outed me to a group of her friends. As soon as it was out she realized what she had said, but there was no way of calling it back. A couple of the women were shocked and several told their husbands I'm sure. We never lost any of the group as friends.

[AmyGaleRT]

My fiancee is online with her best friend and her best friend's brother, two people so close to her she refers to them as "Sissy" and "Bro," frequently enough that tap-dancing around the secret of "Amy" would be too cumbersome on a regular basis. So I gave her permission to tell them. Both of them are very open-minded and no strangers to CD and other gender-related topics, so they've been quite accepting. Just now, I had to cover for my fiancee in an online game while she made herself some soup, and "Bro" was on the other end of the voice connection. When he knew it was "Amy" he was speaking to, he was very polite, and treated me like a lady. :battingeyelashes:

She hasn't told anyone else, and wouldn't without my say-so.

- Amy

[Henna]

When I told my GF this week about the girl in me, my only request for her was, that if she doesn´t want to see me again, she would not tell the real reason for our break up to anyone. Not sure if she was listening about that part, as she seemed a bit confused, when I gave the two letters.

I would rather take a blame of cheating her with everyone, than the real reason.

[Rogina B]

It depends on how your SO accepts your T mind.There is no reason to run and tell as people don't need to know unless there is a need for them to.And,as others said,that goes for many things in a relationship. If she is looking for a shoulder to cry on,or an ear to vent to,perhaps a professional is a far better OBJECTIVE choice.My wife trusts that Rogina's friends know what they know because I am comfortable with their trust. My wife knows[she is Spanish] that people have big mouths and not to expect many to not share with others just because. So,a successful couple uses discretion in everything in my opinion.

[Raychel]

My wife may need someone to talk to at times, I trust her to make the right decisions on who to talk to.
And if it hapens to e the wrong person I am at a point in my life that I don't really care all that much.
So the cards will fall where they may, and life will go on.

[Jana]

Is it fair to ask? Sure it is.

Does it mean they'll stick to their word? Not necessarily. Everybody's got a best friend, you know? :heehee:

[audreyinalbany]

I think most of us come to this forum to have someone to talk to about our particular diversion. By the same token it's not exactly fair to expect our spouses to hold all of their feelings inside. I certainly wouldn't want my wife broadcasting my hobby, but I don't think it is unreasonable for them to share their feelings and thoughts with a third party if they feel it's necessary. A trusted girlfriend can be a valuable outlet.

[linda allen]

Yes, it is fair to ask your SO to keep what you want private private.

Turn the tables and ask if it would be okay to blab about your SO's abortion, mastectomy, gay affair...

I was about to post the same thing but you beat me to it. :thumbsup:

[Tina B.]

It's all a matter of trust, it took five years for me to trust my wife enough to tell her, kowing I could trust her with my secret I told her, if she broke that trust, and I found out, I would never trust her again with anything, and I would not live with someone I don't trust.

[BillieJoEllen]

My wife was instructed years ago not to tell anyone about my TS/CD status. She agreed but did not keep her promise. She told a lot of people. Some reacted negatively while it did not seem to bother some others. There are some people that I run into ocassionally that will not greet me or engage me in conversation. We also had some friends that we would get together with once or twice a week. Once told we saw each other less and less and now we don't see them anymore. If we do happen to see each other it is a very strained type of meeting. I figured she must of told at least fifty people. Only four of them ever said anything to me about CDing. Talk about discomfort.

[Beverley Sims]

If you trust your spouse tell her.
If you don't trust her, why did you get married in the first place.
A happy marriage is built on trust and I am sorry for those that have a problem with their marriage.
Sorry if I seem blunt or a damp squid.

[ashleymasters]

I don't think it's right for the so to out their spouse. When I told my wife she asked if she could tell her close friend just to be able to talk it out. I consented but I would have felt hurt and betrayed if she told someone with out asking me.

[JeanneF]

I think it's completely unreasonable to expect one's spouse to remain silent on the issue, especially if it's something that's thrust upon them after many years of marriage. They feel hurt, betrayed, etc because they've been lied to for years, and they need to find out if their feelings and concerns are justified. If you freak out about them telling someone, it only serves to reinforce the notion that being a crossdresser is something to be ashamed about.

[Eryn]

I believe that spouses should keep the confidences with which they are entrusted. That's part of the bond that joins them together.

That being said, it is a cruel spouse who forces the mate to keep something inside when it is eating away at them. They should be prepared to provide a healthy and safe outlet where issues can be discussed. In the case of our wives that might be a CD support group that includes wives or perhaps the FAB forum.

[Rhonda Ann]

It is not okay to break this trust, a major trust has been broken. Trust is a sacred thing and once it is broke it is hard to reestablish. Her SO should have spoke to her before she said anything to anyone. It should not be too much to ask for an SO to keep the secret. That is something a person is suppose to count on, whether it be a spouse GF or SO, there should be that trust and communication between the two. I have been compelled to talk to what few people would except and support me for being who I am, even though I ask myself "Can they keep a secret?" In all cases I don't think they could, so I still have a secret.

[jillleanne]

It's fair to ask your spouse anything including not to add garlic to your shrimp on the barbeque. What your s/o decides to share with someone else without your knowledge or blessings is entirely up to them. That question is directly related to what kind of relationship you have with your spouse. Why would anyone want to be in a relationship with secrets, lies, and fears and expect the s/o to simply go along with it so the other spouse does not have to deal with the reality of whatever it is? If transgenderism were an accepted household word, would we be asking this question? How do you think we will get it to be a household word? Is it fair to ask yoiur spouse to keep secrets imposed on them? To live with fears imposed on them? To tell lies imposed on them? I think not.

[Jeannie]

I had this conversation with my wife some time ago and to my knowledge she has not told anyone. I explained how devastating it would be for both of us if the family found out and she said she totally understood and promised not to tell. I have only her word and trust but that is enough for me.

[sometimes_miss]

Of course it's fair. Mates should be able to tell each other things and expect them to keep things confidential.

[jacques]

hello,
my regard my crossdressing as being private rather than secret. Although I have not discussed the privacy/secrecy issue with my wife, I think she feels the same. We do not discuss our private lives in front of the children or friends, and do not flaunt it. I keep my female clothes in our bedroom, not hidden , but private. We do not expect guests to wander into our bedroom, but if someone wanted to be nosey they will have to cope with what they find - it was their choice!
luv J

[Stephanie47]

Exactly! My wife once stated she wish she could talk to a confident about my cross dressing, but, she won't. I guess the only person she would blab to would be her female cousin. I think she would be embarrassed to make it general knowledge because cross dressing is totally out of societal norms.

On the flip side of this arrangement (DADT) she told me she would divorce me, if I EVER brought up some things that occurred before our relationship. So, I don't go there! She once told me she wished she never told me of her life before we met, intimating it would have been easy for her to dump her cross dressing husband.

Let he or she who is without sin cast the first stone.



Yes, it is fair to ask your SO to keep what you want private private.

Turn the tables and ask if it would be okay to blab about your SO's abortion, mastectomy, gay affair...

[SandraV]

I trust my SO immensely and would not expect her to share this with others. Having said this though, this has been quite a shock to her and I do know she could use a sounding board other than talking about this with me. I guess in short, I don't expect her to share this detail about my life, but would not blame her if she ever does.