Tilting at FFS

[sandra-leigh]

I seem to be going through some anger when I contemplate (eventually) getting FFS. This isn't about anyone else getting FFS, this is about me.

I didn't have the same reaction to HRT at all. Earlier on, in gender therapy, I was fairly consistent in saying, "Hormones don't feel right to me at this time, but I have this feeling that at some point in my life, I will not be able to resist the temptation." When I did decide to go for hormones, I felt that the potential physical changes were a natural part of me. My internal "body image" included having a bust and I was feeling definite incongruence from not having one. So I was making that body change for me.

But when it comes to FFS... well, I have a face already. It is a bit wider and more lined and a bigger nose than my mental image of myself, but it is "serviceable". It isn't "cute" or "beautiful", but I am not aware of any particular internal distress on that point. Maybe that is partly because I don't get to see it except when I look in the mirror, just like I seldom think about how my mid-back looks.

With me not feeling self-image distress about my face, why think about FFS?

Well, it's like this: two days ago, I called a taxi to head to my gender therapy appointment. As always I have my below-the-shoulder hair, and that day I had dangly earrings, and I was wearing a white blouse and a powder-blue above-the-knee skirt. And when I got in the taxi, the driver asked, "So where would you like to go, Sir?". AGGGHHH.

The driver wasn't being snarky; I've had him quite a few times before and he is always polite and friendly. So this didn't feel like an "attack", but it did feel like a firm reminder that as long as I have this face, most people are still going to treat me as male no matter how I am dressed. And that leads me to thoughts that for me, at this point in my life, the possibility of getting FFS doesn't feel like I would be doing it for me, and instead feels like I would be doing it... oh, like a sort of fancy sign board flashing "Woman Inside! Woman Inside!". That I would be doing it for other people, to help them interact with me.

I know that there is something to be said for "making it easier on myself"... but that doesn't mean I don't resent it! :Angry3:

Now, if a Fairy God Mother comes along... it isn't that I object to looking more female, but let it be for me, not for feeling "pressured into it". Like a woman pressured into getting breast implants because other people tell her she is less of a woman because she is relatively flat-chested.

[ReineD]

With me not feeling self-image distress about my face, why think about FFS?

There are several cues that determine how our gender is perceived by others, which will result in how they address us: the face, the body shape and size, the hair (with wider latitude), and the manner of dress (with wider latitude as well). By far the most important (IMO) is the face, which is why some CDers even with the breast forms, waist cinchers, hip pads, wigs, exquisite makeup and clothes, still appear to others as men who are "dressing up" as women, even when they have confidence galore and they don't walk or otherwise move as guys.

If your face has a male appearance and this is affecting how others perceive you despite your hair, clothes, and breasts, and if this bothers you, then you should consider FFS. If it is not important to you how you are perceived, then you shouldn't.

[Kerigirl2009]

I see where you are coming from, You are happy with how you look to yourself and why change anything if you are comfortable in your own body. I would suggest if you are happy with your looks then don't go and have FFS, however if you are unhappy with how people interact with you then that is also a reason to try and make some suttle changes.
If you can deal with the few people that look past everything that you do to present as female, then I say be happy with you and enjoy life. Good luck with your decision.

[Badtranny]

Sandra, none of us got FFS to be pretty. There's isn't an FFS doc alive who would even make that promise. I will admit to being vain, but the vanity is manifesting now AFTER I look reasonably female. The FFS was not about vanity, it was just about looking like I feel. What you are saying is true, but it's not news to those of us who have been there.

Welcome to the club, it's called Transsexual Woman, and we meet every Friday at the bar. ;-)

[Jorja]

Excuse me. Where exactly does it say in the Tranny Handbook that you MUST have FFS? If you decide not to have the surgery and are ok with that mug, then fine that is your personal decision. Do not feel pressured into doing something you do not want to do.

[ColleenA]

A big thing I am wondering given the situation you described is how much you have interacted with this driver before. Did he pick you up at, say, your home where he has picked you up before? Has he seen you in drab previous times? If so, then I would figure he is calling you Sir based on prior exchanges. You would have to correct his view that you are not the CD he may assume you to be, but instead that he should treat you like any of his other female passengers.

Regarding FFS, and separate from people who have already formed their conception of you, such as that driver, there are numerous cues everyone will look for upon meeting you for the first time, as Reine has said. What you didn't mention, though, is if you were wearing any makeup, one very telling cue. That can contribute greatly to what notion of your gender someone forms, especially if you have an ambiguous face. (Think John Leguizamo in "To Wong Foo.")

[sandra-leigh]

Yes the driver had indeed drive me from home a number of times, especially to work. I haven't actually worn drab for about 5 years, but I might not have been obvious the other times. My gender therapist had rude words when I described the situation, saying that he should at least have dropped the "Sir".

I wouldn't object to looking more female. In the immortal words from "Monty Python's The Meaning of Lif", "Oooo, that'd be nice!". There is part of me that would like it for me. But it isn't a priority, and that part of me doesn't value the alteration at $18000-ish, a big operation, and months of healing. But in this phase (of denial?), I don't feel like I would be "owning" the transformation, that I would instead be doing it "just to be taken seriously" rather than wanting it for myself.

When I don't have my glasses on, I look similar to my mother. Homey. With glasses on (no matter which of my pairs), people see "male" quite quickly. And that is a source of disappointment to me.

... "Why can't people just look at me and see 'woman' ? Why do I have to go through all of that just to influence their preconceptions?" ...

I never said I was being practical about this matter -- but I am processing the emotions just the same.

[Michelle.M]

Sandra, none of us got FFS to be pretty. There's isn't an FFS doc alive who would even make that promise. I will admit to being vain, but the vanity is manifesting now AFTER I look reasonably female.

You know, that is a fascinating observation! I was happy with my pre-FFS female presentation; I mainly went for trachea shave, eyebrow lift and to do something about my lips and hairline. But I got more than I bargained for and now I not only really like the way I look but apparently others do, too! And I can't say that I've acquired any characteristically female self-image hangups, but I do give much more attention to my appearance than before.


Welcome to the club, it's called Transsexual Woman, and we meet every Friday at the bar. ;-)

You've been holding out on me. I didn't know there was drinking involved!


I wouldn't object to looking more female. In the immortal words from "Monty Python's The Meaning of Lif", "Oooo, that'd be nice!". There is part of me that would like it for me.

And in my opinion that is the ONLY reason why anyone should do this.


But in this phase (of denial?), I don't feel like I would be "owning" the transformation, that I would instead be doing it "just to be taken seriously" rather than wanting it for myself.

Being taken seriously is a good thing. And the more feminine you look the more easily you can own your own transition without the limiting factor of not blending well and being more visible (but not like you want to be). Before FFS I did get clocked at times and I was always on my guard when I went out. It was hard to relax and just live as a woman with that kind of internal conflict and the stress that went with it.

That may not be true for anyone else, but it was for me.


... "Why can't people just look at me and see 'woman' ? Why do I have to go through all of that just to influence their preconceptions?" ...

Like it or not we live in a world where appearances count. And for nothing more than subtle differences in facial structure we automatically gender someone as Male or Female. It may not be fair, but it is what it is.


Excuse me. Where exactly does it say in the Tranny Handbook that you MUST have FFS? If you decide not to have the surgery and are ok with that mug, then fine that is your personal decision. Do not feel pressured into doing something you do not want to do.

Exactly! Each of us has to do what's right for us personally. My decisions may not make sense for anyone else, nor theirs for me.


I never said I was being practical about this matter -- but I am processing the emotions just the same.

That's OK. It's good, even. I think transition is all about wrestling with these things, and ultimately you'll come to the decision that is appropriate for you.