Elsa Larson
09-01-2012, 04:29 AM
In 1986, I made peace with my gender conflict. Instead of feeling bad about behavior I could not stop, I decided that crossdressing is morally neutral and gave myself permission to crossdress as much as I wanted. I did lots of shopping, 2 Pocono Weekends, became active in Renaissance, spoke to college classes, was subject of a local newspaper article, organized a local support group and appeared on the noon show on the local NBC TV affiliate.
I also tried to learn my true gender and sexuality.
After 5 years riding the "Gender Train", I got off at the same stop where I got on: Male, Heterosexual, Crossdresser. I grew a beard, got married, had kids and went back into the closet.
All was stable in genderland for over 16 years. Then I found the virtual world of Second Life where I got a hint of what life would be like as a woman. I discovered a layer of female "wiring and programming" that I never felt before. And I discovered that I loved seeing my female avatar dancing with nice men as we chatted. My Second Life friends who knew that I was male in real life all continued to perceive me as a woman. My "inner woman" became more confident and demanded a real life of her own.
For the last 3 years, I did a radical transormation every August to let my inner woman stretch her wings. I would shave my "Santa" beard, color my hair, shape my brows & nails and remove body hair south of my nose. As Elsa, I shopped and visited local support groups for a few months. Elsa's final appearance each year would be at a local singles dance for Halloween. Then I would stop shaving and revert to my "mountain man" appearance.
2012 is different. My kids (girl 16 & boy 18 at home and a girl 20 in college) know of my crossdressing history and are impressed with my activism in the transgender community before they were born. When I added a feminine haircut to my transformation this year, they had no problem with it. They didn't blink when I added nail polish to the shaped nails. They are fine with me being crossdressed at home as well as in public. I'm still "dad" and don't think they'll every call me Elsa but each has told me "you look good," which is high praise from teens and makes me very happy & very proud of them.
I had planned to delay any transition until 2014 when the youngest went to college but with the last barrier to transition gone, 2012 feels like a transition instead of a temporary transformation.
I've never been convinced that I am transsexual. I saw myself as bi-gendered with fluctuating gender identity. I usually refer to "transgender" as the whole spectrum of gender-variant behaviors. But now I am "A TRANSGENDER" in the other meaning - a person living full-time in their preferred gender but without seeking surgical changes. In any case, I am back on the "gender train", having given myself permission to ride it while I learn again about my true gender and sexuality.
I need your advice on explaining my transition to the people around me.
"I need to find out if I am transsexual."
"It may seem strange to you but it feels right to me."
"I don't know how long I will do this. It could a few months, a few years or the rest of my life. But I have given myself permission to find out."
Please let me know what worked for you.
I also tried to learn my true gender and sexuality.
After 5 years riding the "Gender Train", I got off at the same stop where I got on: Male, Heterosexual, Crossdresser. I grew a beard, got married, had kids and went back into the closet.
All was stable in genderland for over 16 years. Then I found the virtual world of Second Life where I got a hint of what life would be like as a woman. I discovered a layer of female "wiring and programming" that I never felt before. And I discovered that I loved seeing my female avatar dancing with nice men as we chatted. My Second Life friends who knew that I was male in real life all continued to perceive me as a woman. My "inner woman" became more confident and demanded a real life of her own.
For the last 3 years, I did a radical transormation every August to let my inner woman stretch her wings. I would shave my "Santa" beard, color my hair, shape my brows & nails and remove body hair south of my nose. As Elsa, I shopped and visited local support groups for a few months. Elsa's final appearance each year would be at a local singles dance for Halloween. Then I would stop shaving and revert to my "mountain man" appearance.
2012 is different. My kids (girl 16 & boy 18 at home and a girl 20 in college) know of my crossdressing history and are impressed with my activism in the transgender community before they were born. When I added a feminine haircut to my transformation this year, they had no problem with it. They didn't blink when I added nail polish to the shaped nails. They are fine with me being crossdressed at home as well as in public. I'm still "dad" and don't think they'll every call me Elsa but each has told me "you look good," which is high praise from teens and makes me very happy & very proud of them.
I had planned to delay any transition until 2014 when the youngest went to college but with the last barrier to transition gone, 2012 feels like a transition instead of a temporary transformation.
I've never been convinced that I am transsexual. I saw myself as bi-gendered with fluctuating gender identity. I usually refer to "transgender" as the whole spectrum of gender-variant behaviors. But now I am "A TRANSGENDER" in the other meaning - a person living full-time in their preferred gender but without seeking surgical changes. In any case, I am back on the "gender train", having given myself permission to ride it while I learn again about my true gender and sexuality.
I need your advice on explaining my transition to the people around me.
"I need to find out if I am transsexual."
"It may seem strange to you but it feels right to me."
"I don't know how long I will do this. It could a few months, a few years or the rest of my life. But I have given myself permission to find out."
Please let me know what worked for you.