The flipside: what if your wife doesn't want anybody to know you're TG?

[Marleena]

I posed a question what to expect if you want your SO to keep your TG status secret and if it was fair. Now, what if your SO doesn't want anybody to know?

I can understand their thinking as being with one of us reflects on them too. There is a stigma attached and right or wrong it is there. If you're in the closet I'm not sure if it's a big deal. If you're out and about it gets more complicated.

In my case my wife and I discussed it and she doesn't want anybody to know even though she is okay with it. So far I'm not out to anybody but her so it wasn't difficult for me.

So have you had this discussion with you SO?
If you're out and about how do you keep it a secret?
Do you respect their wishes?

In my case I go out of town dressed where nobody will know me.

[linda allen]

I'm with you. My wife said she wasn't going to tell anyone and I certainly won't except for my crossdressing.com friends. :battingeyelashes:

We sometimes kid about it like we're getting ready to go out and I'm dressed in male mode and starting out the door but I've "forgotten" to take my boobs off.

We were discussing the reaction of a friend the other night to my newly pierced ears and I said "I should have worn my boobs, then he wouldn't have lept talking about the earrings."

[Karren H]

One of my wifes greatest fears is that her family will find out.....

[Marleena]

One of my wifes greatest fears is that her family will find out.....

I can relate to that.:) It's also one of my greatest fears, I have no idea how they'd handle it. It does put pressure on her for sure.

[jennylogan]

My wife doesn't like to keep secrets. The fact that she knows about me being tg puts an enormous burden on her. She is perfectly fine with it but is adamant about not going out in public or telling any family about my secret life. They most definitely would not accept it. It is not a perfect solution, but it is not a perfect world either.

[kimdl93]

I think one should respect and be considerate of your wife's views. That doesn't mean she dictates the policy...it means that both parties reach a level of consensus before telling someone.

[Jamie24]

I think that this is understandable position. She may be worried about how it would affect you, in addition to how it reflects on her. There is a great deal of unknown on how family and other friends may react. So I would agree with this request and go to where I felt I would not be recognized/

[linda allen]

....... In my case I go out of town dressed where nobody will know me.

I did that a few times when my wife was out of town and before I introduced her to my dressing. She is out of town again now but I don't feel so much like going out now. It's kind of like I would be betraying her trust (That sounds strange, but that's how I feel.)

I didn't really go "out of town" but I live outside a city so I went to the tourist part of the city where it's not likely that I would meet anyone who knew me. The biggest difficulty was getting in and out of my house and neighborhood. I managed by underdressing, then changing in the car in a parking lot and changing back to "boy" mode again in a parking lot. It was a lot of trouble and of course, it's difficult to do a good job in a car.

I need a better wig before I can consider myself "passable". Also some "girl" glasses if I can't be wearing sunglasses.

At some point I would like to be able to go out (in another town) dressed with my wife by my side as two woman friends on the town. One can only hope. :battingeyelashes:

[Karren H]

I can relate to that.:) It's also one of my greatest fears, I have no idea how they'd handle it. It does put pressure on her for sure.

When you tell someone your secret you drag them into your closet......

[Karen_K]

I certainly agree with the idea that who to be out to should be a mutual decision, since it affects all family members. In our case, my wife and I have a young son, and we have to think about how he might be stigmatized when he goes to school for having a CD dad (if I was out).

How do we keep it a secret? So far, any out-of-the-house activities have been support group meetings, socials, and TG conferences. Events specifically for the TG community. If I do any shopping or travel in the "real world", it'll have to be far from home. And coming and going from the house can be tricky.

[BRANDYJ]

The only people in our life, my SO and me, that she or I care about keeping it a secret from in her grandchildren. We think her youngest daughter might already know since she may have seen something left out by my SO a few years ago. But it is never discussed. They are both very private people. Beyond that neither me or my SO have talked about who not to tell or to tell. We are also into the Dominant/submissive lifestyle and she is as concerned about that remaining a secret as much or more then my being a CD. If she chooses to tell anyone about my being a CD, I trust her completely on who and why she feels the need to tell. We are private and careful with what we do. So it's a none issue with us as we understand the need for privacy and secrecy from certain people.

[linda allen]

I think one should respect and be considerate of your wife's views. .

That's the foundation of a good marriage. Of course it goes both ways. My wife does things that I wouldn't choose to do but it makes her happy so I don't try to change her. She probably would rather not come home and see me in a skirt and boobs but she doesn't try to change me.

She said she wouldn't embarass me by telling anyone that I wear women's clothes. I didn't ask, she brought it up.

[Raychel]

I just go with the flow on who my wife wants to know. She is actually pretty cool with it. When I first told her she was bery distrought. She called her mother and talked to her about it. Her mothers reply was "that is all" like so what is the big deal. I think that helped my wife deal with it alot.

[JenniferR771]

My wife strongly disapproves. She hates the idea that a neighbor or friend might find out about my "hobby". And she hates it when I told our kids and a neighbor, and store clerks about me. Most people don't tell other people--but you never know.

[MissTee]

My wife and I both agree that it stays with us. I don't go out dressed and don't want to. As for "going out" we usually rent a secluded vacation home and while there I may meander around outside. Other than that, she provides me all the "being out" fulfillment I need just by supporting and sharing Misty's existence in our relationship.

[BRANDYJ]

My wife strongly disapproves. She hates the idea that a neighbor or friend might find out about my "hobby". And she hates it when I told our kids and a neighbor, and store clerks about me. Most people don't tell other people--but you never know.

Jennifer, I'm not judging you, but don't you think you should have cleared it with your wife before telling your children, a neighbor or store clerks. You might not feel ashamed or embarrassed about them knowing, but clearly it effects your wife.
No way would I ever tell her kids, grand kids, or neighbors without her approval. I have never told store clerks and don't plan to. I know she would not like the neighbors or her family knowing, so that will never happen. I'm not sure how she would feel about that, but I don't think she would care. Now I'm gonna have to ask her.

[Claire Cook]

As with so many of our discussions, there are no right or wrong answers here. Some of us are more open about our dressing, most of us are less so. Our wives may be concerned about others knowing about us, or our being embarassed (or worse) when dressed in public, and that's perfectly understandable. My wife used to be that way. Now that we are more open about it, and I'm out to a number of people, it isn't an issue. Once we were having dinner with a friend and she noted that I cd (I think our friend had as a question about my pierced ears). The response: "No big deal".

[STACY B]

One of my wifes greatest fears is that her family will find out.....




This is my only Wish ? Do you think it would keep them away ? If so I am GOING TO TELL,,,TELL,,,TELL, An then all is right in the world ,,, I use this stuff to my Advantage not there's ...... LOL You just cant shock me into submission ,, You gotta have something to fear for it to work . Long ago in another life I was Terrified to know end thats a FACT ,,, But after along an drawn out bit of soul searching an finaly coming to grips with all this maddness its all good now ,,,I just laugh it off ,, I carried it for the first part of my life an gave it away ,,, So they can do what they wish with ,,If they choose to hide it or tell the world its not my burden to bare anymore . So here ya go world ,,,Do what you will will with ,, You can spread it out or throw it away not my call anymore ,,,I Retire !! Gave up ,,, Gave out ,, Gave in ..

[linda allen]

As with so many of our discussions, there are no right or wrong answers here. .

I think there is a "right" answer here and that is that we should all respect our spouse's wishes and feelings. If that means not walking around the neighborhood in boobs and a wig, we should respect that. If it means not telling outsiders or family members, we should respect that. It goes both ways.

[MichelleMiles]

So have you had this discussion with you SO?
If you're out and about how do you keep it a secret?
Do you respect their wishes?

In my situation, my wife doesn't want others to know, and I also share this view. This is something I do for my own enjoyment and I don't see why others would need to know. I have told one other friend and she was very accepting, but I don't expect that same response from everyone.

Crossdressing may not be as big a part of my life as it is for others here, so it may be easier for me to keep it hidden. I usually don't go to places where I know I might run into someone, I mostly shop just a town over, and my wife has yet to go out with me at night so chances of me getting recognized are slim.

[Barbara Ella]

My wife totally hates that I am TG. Just the fact that I am sends her into depression and night long crying bouts. What makes it worse for her is that she understands this is something I must do. It has been so short a time that she cannot cope with the two trains of thoughts.

To the point. No one must ever find out or she will be devastated. I support her in this. To this end, I cannot dress at home when she is gone and leave the house. We have a garage, but she will not let me chance the neighbors seeing me drive away. i am free to drive to another town and get a room and dress. What a wonderful way to spend money...not. so I am closeted

A recent breakdown last weekend may add more considerations, but that is a problem still under discussion. We will see.

Barbara

[Danielle Gee]

My wife also doesn't want any one else to know. It's not a problem for me beacuse 1- We live really quite a way out on the sticks,so we have lots of privacy for excursions out into the yard,2- My wife loves my lifestyle,and allows unimited indoors dressing, so 3-I can dress up amost any time I please. All in all I'm very happy that I told her years ago!

[Stephanie47]

My wife does not approve of my cross dressing. She knows I engage in it when she is at work. Sometimes there is a tell tale sign of the day, such as, she finds a panty I forgot to store away or one left in the washing machine or dryer. I know she would not like it if my cross dressing became public. Before I retired I had great fear mt cross dressing could become known to my employer. In the neighborhood? Well, after thirty plus years in the same house we still do not socialize past a brief conversation on the street. I think my wife would not like to deal with her family and friends knowing. I know my new nosy neighbors in the next door rental house spotted me en femme in my back yard. That was two months ago. So, time will tell if it become general knowledge among neighbors and further. I think those neighbors who know me would not really care.
The only times I ventured out en femme have been when my wife visited out of state. I went for walks in safe quiet neighborhoods in the evening. I actually got bored. Kind of been there, done that attitude.

[BRANDYJ]

I think there is a "right" answer here and that is that we should all respect our spouse's wishes and feelings. If that means not walking around the neighborhood in boobs and a wig, we should respect that. If it means not telling outsiders or family members, we should respect that. It goes both ways.

Well said Linda. If we don't respect our SO's wishes and comfort level, how can we expect them to respect our need or desire to dress at all. Ignore their wishes will only end up with both parties hurt and perhaps...alone.
As a couple our decisions clearly are not our own. Our SO's are part of who and what we are and the way people perceive us.

[Jenniferathome]

My wife has said that she will not out me but if I want to tell anyone, she'd be ok. So it's on me. To date, only she knows and that is how I expect it to go forever. I have no desire to tell anyone else. It sure would make things easier if I did come out. Then she and I could go out locally.

[Kyndrie]

In my case my wife knows that I like to cross dress but doesn't know that I'm actively dressing in private. Her stance is that she'd rather me not do it at all, but if I do, then I need to keep it to myself. I'm OK with that for now. I fear she'll still be mad if/when she finds out that I'm still dressing, however, it's for me to decide when to stop. If such a small thing like wearing a pair of panties, or some heels, in private is enough for her to ask for divorce then I guess our compatibility wasn't good to begin with (I told her before we were married). This is as much as I'm willing to compromise.

[Ashley D.]

My wife tells any one she wants and that is about everyone outside of my family I get to do that.

[charlytuna]

My wife support me dressing and that as far she wants it to go. I want to venture out but I afraid to tell anyone of my tg. I feel that I dont pass enough to go out in public, even though I dying to go out. but I not ready to be outed be the neighborhood or the family. I feel that I could pass enough I may try to go out but I know that I will never pass for a women. So I feel more secure being inside behinedclose doors

[giuseppina]

Hello Marlena,

I haven't read any of the responses, but here goes:

The questions don't apply to me because I am not out and prefer to keep it that way. I don't have a GF to share this with. Having said that, I am willing to drive for an hour or so on Highway 401 (think Interstate for our Stateside friends) where I am unlikely to run into someone I or a GF knows at a clothing store, for example.

[Debglam]

Great point!

My attitude after coming out is that I don't care who knows. There are a few people I would like to tell and some that if they find out - so be it. Part of the deal though is that my SO wants to keep this as private as possible for the time being. That is fine with me. I told her that anytime she feels she needs to discuss this with anyone it is her call. I only ask that let me know who she tells. I also agreed to discuss telling anyone with her first. This seems to be working out OK. We both felt it was time that my older daughter know so after discussing it, we told her about a month ago.

[JC]

my wife is also deathly afraid that anyone else in the world will find out. i can't say that i feel any different.

[Sara Jessica]

Great point!

My attitude after coming out is that I don't care who knows. There are a few people I would like to tell and some that if they find out - so be it. Part of the deal though is that my SO wants to keep this as private as possible for the time being. That is fine with me. I told her that anytime she feels she needs to discuss this with anyone it is her call. I only ask that let me know who she tells. I also agreed to discuss telling anyone with her first. This seems to be working out OK. We both felt it was time that my older daughter know so after discussing it, we told her about a month ago.

We have processed this TG thing internally for years, sometimes decades. So when we get to a place like you describe (which incidentally is pretty much exactly where I am on many levels), it all kind of makes sense. Comfort = the world not exploding when someone might find out. At the same time though, our SO's are often dealing with it on an entirely different level and a similar comfort level may never arrive.

This is why both partners need to communicate about disclosure.

[Brianna612]

Fear is our greatest enemy here. My X found me out and she couldn’t deal with it at all. She told and showed pictures to everyone, relatives and friends. Needless to say that was the end of our relationship. Surprisingly enough the reaction of most our friends and family was what a bitch she was. I expected more like OMG how could she live with him.

After that I vowed to never get in that situation again. I told my SO on our second date and life has been great ever since. Now I hardly have a stitch of men’s clothing. Just suits for various events otherwise all my clothes are of the female type. I seldom wear makeup anymore because I don’t have the time or the need to do so. I think we all need to just be who we are and let everyone else worry about what to think. That’s much simpler than trying to be whom you think everyone else wants you to be.

[Mindy More]

When you tell someone your secret you drag them into your closet......

After I told my wife earlier this year I felt kinda bad for adding this huge secret onto her plate of things to deal with. She has been very accepting of my needs in this situation. I think she's getting used to me popping out dressed up after the kids goto sleep. But I dont' think she'd want anyone to know as well as myself. I know our friends and her family are fairly judgmental. If any one of them finds out, everyone would most likely find out. As we had seen when a good friend couple had a situation with infidelity. We couldn't be anywhere where a conversation about that couple wouldn't pop up amongst friends. I thought that was stupid to talk about others like that when they're not around to jump into the discussion. So we can only imagine if anyone finds out about Mindy in our circle of friends.
My own circle of friends (my sports pals) I really don't know what they'd think. I'm sure I'd get some razzing but in the sport I play they're are so many sexual jokes and comments that I might be able to make them all think it's not real. I don't know, I really don't want to find out but wonder if any of my friends are TG (I suspect a few might be)

I'm actually quite glad I saw this question being asked. My wife and I don't usually discuss certain details about my proclivity. She just walked in the room and we talked a little bit about this. I let her know that if she wants to tell people to ask me before hand and I will do the same. She said she most likely won't be telling any of our close type friends. Outside of the circle maybe so I sorta gave her the green light but to use discretion as I would also. I even told her that I kinda want to tell a good lady friend of mine. She said "Why?" although I'm still unsure of telling my lady friend, I think she'd be cool with it is what I told my wife. But I let her know (my wife) that I'd let her know if I do tell my friend. Meeting other gurls and them knowing isn't the same thing as they're not in our circle of immediate friends and my wife knows I've been actively looking for gurlfriends to talk and hang out with. I love her so much for being so great about it all. She's totally cool with me going out if I do find myself outside with friends dressed. I think she thinks I go out to clubs and stuff when i go out to meet a new friends. All that she said is all on me if anyone we know happens to recognize me.

[reb.femme]

.........Now, what if your SO doesn't want anybody to know?........In my case I go out of town dressed where nobody will know me.

Hi Marleena,

Actually, this goes both ways for me. I don't go out locally en femme as we like our windows with the glass in tact and my wife has asked that no one at her work knows.
However, she also needed someone to talk to so we agreed that she could tell her sister. They are very close, so only one person in our family knows.
Personally, I couldn't give a damn who knows now, save for the windows bit above, but I go with the wife on this one.

Reb

[Beverley Sims]

When out of town I can dress but only the wife knows so I tread carefully these days.
20 years ago, a different circle of friends and a different state. It was all out then.

[KellyJameson]

I think emotional harm could come to a person who is prevented from crossdressing so if someone changes their behavior for the S.O it should be as a gift of love and not because it is demanded from the S.O

If you change your behavior to protect the person you love it is because they love you enough to accept your behavior, both people are protecting each other.

When I know I'm genuinely loved (protected,appreciated,valued,respected) than I am not afraid to give the same in return otherwise I have to protect,value and appreciate myself first and foremost.

Love is a gift not an expectation.

[Sophia Claire]

In my estimation, being married is all about compromise and this sort of thing is no exception. While it may hurt to think that your SO doesn't want to tell her parents or friends or whomever, you have to understand her feelings as well. In a situation where so many women feel hurt and betrayed and lied to, mislead, and confused, she took it in stride because she loves you. I'd say that's worth some consideration. Within reason. She needs to respect that this is who you are, but she can't ask you to just give it up (I know that neither of those things are on the table, but I'm using them as a hyperbole).

But then, I may be off-base considering my own marriage crashed and burned.

[RADER]

One of my wifes greatest fears is that her family will find out.....

Yes, I am in the same boat. My wife doesn't care what I wear around the house,
but STAY in the house. That is why I almost doubled the size a few years back.
Rader

[Janelle_C]

My wife has been okay with my dressing for a long time now. At the beginning of this year I started therapy and for the first time in my life I started to feel good about my dressing and not be ashamed about it. I started to talk about coming out and that scared the hell out of her. I know she is a little worried about how people will look at her. I'm not going out yet but I really want to where and when how knows. For right now I've slow the coming out talk way down. Hugs, Janelle

[suchacutie]

The trade-off for me was that for 55 years I didn't know Tina existed (missed all that time!). The other side of the coin is that my wife and I found Tina together, so it was a shared adventure from the start where both of us knew next to nothing about being transgendered. Since we had no preformed expectations, we made it up as we went, talking about our feelings and watching them evolve right before our eyes, with the understanding that nothing was "in concrete" and we needed to revisit anything and everything that might change.

One of the constants, so far, has been that Tina's existence is private between the two of us. That's been hard to maintain at times, especially when we have visitors or offspring staying in the house. However, we have been successful in maintaining Tina's privacy.

I must say that the privacy was most important early in Tina's existence, mainly because we had no idea who Tina was, or even if she would be around next week! How do you answer questions that you don't know the answers to yourself? Now it's more the notion of risk/reward ratio. Tina is clearly here to stay and is important to us. If it is a positive to allow others to know about her, we'll act accordingly.

How the privacy issue will play out in the future is anyone's guess. Stay tuned! :)