Need Some Advice.

[Lashawna_Brooke]

Its been a while since ive been on here, I fell disconnected. But heres the problem, ive been thinking and and I have been having emotional problems with my female side. I have almost convenced myself to be a women almost full time, Im happy in women's cloths all dolled up and just relaxing. The funny thing is is that i don't fell comfortable in my male cloth's anymore. I have lerned how to blend my male and female attire in a n everyday enviroment. Heres the kicker, I work construction and if you have ever worked it you know how aint gay, different, anything other than big man on campus enviroment. I fell like im taking a risk if i get hurt but i wear girls scrubs to work and sometime underwear. And I fell comfortable. Were I think my problem lies is that I think i want to be a girl full time, But im not in a position to change careers. I dont know what to do. Im lost, confused, and At a point in m life that I want to make a change. I just cant do it alone.

[Jenniferathome]

There is infinitely more to being a woman than clothing. Can you imagine your penis being removed? Don't confuse comfort in dressing with being a woman. That is a subject to be explored with a professional.

[Eryn]

A lot of us are in your boat, including me. It just isn't in the cards for us to be full time. While I find it frustrating at times, I also realize that my fantasy of femininity doesn't match reality. No GG goes around "dolled up" all the time. Most of the time they are in jeans and casual clothes, just as I am.

One route is to realize that GGs have clothing that looks just like male clothing but is made of nicer fabrics that feel better. For example, try on a pair of women's Levi's 505 jeans. You'll find that they fit closer but are more comfortable because they have a little spandex in the cloth. The functional differences is that they have shallower front pockets, a shorter zipper, and a smaller label in the back, none of which screams "I'm wearing a girly garment!" You could wear these any day on a job site and nobody would be the wiser.

Another item that is easy to wear en drab is panties. Quite a few women's panties are similar to men's bikini briefs. Check out Vanity Fair hipsters, for example. They even come in manly colors like brown and steel grey, though I prefer the florals and animal prints myself!

After a while you'll realize that there is no Gender Police checking for any chink in your manly armor. In fact, as I've come to terms with this facet of myself I've come to realize that I'm a more confident male because I can express a bit of femininity. So what if I have clear-polished fingernails and wear Capri pants now and then? That just means that I'm more secure with myself than anyone who might feel threatened by that.

If those macho types want to know what a challenge is, ask them to walk the length of a mall wearing a dress, wig, and makeup! Most of the Muggles would rather storm a pillbox with a bayonet than take that walk, but a lot of us "in the know" enjoy it! :)

[Lashawna_Brooke]

Well i've considered SRS, and i'm heavly considering it. The thought of it dose not bother me. And I can relate to everyday life, I don't go around all dolled up everyday, I do go causal all the time, with an occusional dress or skirt. But i rarely ever get all dolled up anymore :) Im just at an impass were, Im trying to get to a higher understanding and connection. But i cant find anyone near Knoxville or Chatt, that I can find to just hangout with and relate to, get a better understand and some support. I guess a profectional is the only way to go at this point :(

[Stephenie S]

Well i've considered SRS, and i'm heavly considering it. The thought of it dose not bother me. And I can relate to everyday life, I don't go around all dolled up everyday, I do go causal all the time, with an occusional dress or skirt. But i rarely ever get all dolled up anymore :) Im just at an impass were, Im trying to get to a higher understanding and connection. But i cant find anyone near Knoxville or Chatt, that I can find to just hangout with and relate to, get a better understand and some support. I guess a profectional is the only way to go at this point :(


Well, no, dear.

You can get all the support you want right here. That's what we're all about, after all. This is a support forum, you know?

Talking to a professional is always a good idea, but we've got your back.

Auntie Stephenie

[Stephenie S]

Jennie wrote:

"Don't confuse comfort in dressing with being a woman."

Quoted for truth.

After all, who wouldn't be more comfortable dressing in women's clothing???

Stephie

[Tracii G]

I have been where you are now and wanted to go full time even do SRS but the financial factor pretty much shot that hope out the window.
I do a mix as far as clothes girls jeans or top.Not overly femme depending on who I'm going to be around of course.
I dress up all girly when I feel like it.
Find a TG support group close to you K-town probably has several.I'll bet Harriman has one too.Get in contact with GLBT and I'm sure they can hook you up with a group close by.
My TG group helped me so much and I understand my feelings now and know I have someone I can talk with.
Seek and ye shall find is all I can say, you have to make it happen for yourself.
Just don't sit around and be confused and worry, get in a group and work out your issues with people that are just like you.

[BLUE ORCHID]

At your young age if it is so important to dress full time there's still time to change jobs.

[Erica2Sweet]

Hi Lashawna.

Looking into my past, I can comfortably say that making life-changing decisions like the ones you are contemplating when I was having those moments of feeling "disconnected" (lonely, lost, etc.) would not have been a good idea for me.

I've discovered that when I was feeling down, I was not viewing my own gender flux through an accurate lens. Frankly, when someone feels the way I did, I don't know how they could successfully work though complex emotional issues on their own. I remember truly feeling broken with lots of shame and low self-esteem sprinkled throughout.

Then, when I met and began courting my wife, everything changed. She and I spent a great deal of time making sure I was no longer feeling those feelings of being "disconnected" (among other things) and once some of that internal, emotional work for me was completed, I found that my decision-making skills relating to my gender flux became much more sound. I started to get it and learned how to better live with my flux. I quickly found that much of what I thought I should do with regard to my gender issues were not good ideas after all, and most likely would not have made me any happier in life.

I'm a believer that this kind of introspection goes much more smoothly when you have a real-time support system with you in-the-flesh. While it has its place, I personally don't think a message board is a good enough support system to take one through something as complex as gender reassignment and all it entails.

..and good lord, changing jobs in this economy? Anyone who has a job now is lucky as it is!

[ReineD]

I dont know what to do. Im lost, confused, and At a point in m life that I want to make a change. I just cant do it alone.

I'm not TG, but my SO is. It took her a long time to find the right answers for herself and now she has found a way to have the best of both worlds. I've no doubt there were times when being a guy was not fulfilling for her. Now she is happy. He maintains privacy about her gender at work, and she goes out frequently to socialize with people who do not know him in guy mode. And, she is not settling. She would be no happier being a woman full time than he would be if he could not express femininity. I couldn't possibly explain the process that she went through to get to her point of balance any better than Erica's post below, that I'm quoting simply because I think it is one of the wisest posts that I've ever read in this forum:


Hi Lashawna.

Looking into my past, I can comfortably say that making life-changing decisions like the ones you are contemplating when I was having those moments of feeling "disconnected" (lonely, lost, etc.) would not have been a good idea for me.

I've discovered that when I was feeling down, I was not viewing my own gender flux through an accurate lens. Frankly, when someone feels the way I did, I don't know how they could successfully work though complex emotional issues on their own. I remember truly feeling broken with lots of shame and low self-esteem sprinkled throughout.

Then, when I met and began courting my wife, everything changed. She and I spent a great deal of time making sure I was no longer feeling those feelings of being "disconnected" (among other things) and once some of that internal, emotional work for me was completed, I found that my decision-making skills relating to my gender flux became much more sound. I started to get it and learned how to better live with my flux. I quickly found that much of what I thought I should do with regard to my gender issues were not good ideas after all, and most likely would not have made me any happier in life.

I'm a believer that this kind of introspection goes much more smoothly when you have a real-time support system with you in-the-flesh. While it has its place, I personally don't think a message board is a good enough support system to take one through something as complex as gender reassignment and all it entails.

..and good lord, changing jobs in this economy? Anyone who has a job now is lucky as it is!

[Kimberlyfaye]

Hey Lashawna. I know how you feel as I'm in a similar situation. Alot of the time I feel that my life would be better if I were female. It's just impossible in my life right now.

I would agree you should look into gender specialists.

If you need to chat message me.

Hugs. Kim

[Lashawna_Brooke]

Sorry Work has consumed most of all of my free time. But I understand that dressing as a women and Make the Ultimate change are two different things. And in all relality, It different for everyone. Some people are happy dressing up every once in a while and going out and thats it. Then others Live full time Dressed up. I dont always were preaty Dresses and short skirts. I Wear it all virtually all the time in some shape or fashion, In all honsety, I live as a women with a boyfriend for about a year. And i loved every Min of it. I went out in just jeans and a tank top, Or if was hot short, and skirt and yeas my favorite a dress. But im at the point to were I need to break this wall down and Live as Me, what ever that may be. Just an interesting fact, Ive been talking to people and the Nuclear Power Indy, Can be more forgiving that industrial settings. There are a lot of crossdresses and some that have made the big decision working around me all the time. So i had to jump in on it and I wear women scrubs to work, just to test the waters and you know what no body has said a thing to me about it :) So i have to keep pushing to boundry. And if i slowly start to physically change my apperance and Fem down or time, I bet no one will say anything to me. And on that day I will have destroyed another wall. Wow i forgot what its like to have someone to talk to about this.

Kisses and I love all of you.
Shawna

[Beverley Sims]

I assume you are young, and must have some understanding about your position in life as you have been on this forum for a couple of years.
Keep asking questions about where you want to go but do not take risks with others around you.

[linda allen]

There is infinitely more to being a woman than clothing. Can you imagine your penis being removed? Don't confuse comfort in dressing with being a woman. That is a subject to be explored with a professional.

That pretty well sums it up. You have a long way to go and you should have professional help. It's probably the biggest and most important decision you will make in your lifetime.

[Angela Campbell]

I wouldn't mind my penis being removed, as long as it was replaced with something prettier.

[Lashawna_Brooke]

Yea, this forum has been a life saver for me, Im just got a lot going on, and I cant seem to work my self through this. I know i need to go talk to some one. And when i have the time and extra money i am going to, belive me, I guess right now im just out of place to turn to. And there aint no one near me that I can hangout with and talk to on a regular basics.

[Erica2Sweet]

...And there aint no one near me that I can hangout with and talk to on a regular basics...

May I suggest putting some feelers out there on this, and other sites, and try to find someone locally who is having (or has had) similar experiences. This way you can get to know them and you both can share all this face-to-face. I think it will do you a world of good. The exercise of saying out loud what you are feeling with regard to your gender identity and listening to someone who has similar stories to tell can be absolutely life changing in a positive way. Doing it in-person breaks down your own protective walls and allows you to feel (and be) less isolated.

Isolation caused by a pre-occupation to privately push gender norms, is a direct path to depression and then more self-imposed isolation. It's a cycle and it's destructive to us as humans. Break that cycle. We as humans need to socialize with others to feel complete. You simply cannot explore gender barriers where guilt and shame is present within you, develop a whole new gender identity of the opposite sex, and not socialize that second identity without negative consequences. That second identity will quickly become stifled and unfulfilled, and "she" will make you miserable until you give in and socialize her.

I wonder if the reason you are feeling like you may need to go full-time, is that, when you're in girl-mode, "she" is no longer screaming at you to do something, and you find that you suddenly feel better. What's happening internally is that you're getting a fix of feel-good brain chemicals that are masking the problem of "her" needing to essentially grow and evolve. Instead of trying to live full time in girl-mode where it will become impossible to keep those feel-good brain chemicals flowing 24/7, you may instead need to begin to plan how you are going to express you femme side (i.e. "her") more thoroughly than you are now, so the femme side of you stops feeling isolated.

A few years ago, I hit an unexpected wall when I suddenly found that when I would do my normal routine of fully presenting as female and just staying in the house by myself, I no longer felt that internal, feel-good rush. My tanks of feel-good juice were completely empty. I was clearly at an impasse. I knew immediately that I couldn't wait any longer and that I had to break my femme side out of the prison I had so carefully constructed in order to protect my self and my ego from the dangers of the outside world. It was a bit scary to say the least, but it was either that, or be absolutely miserable forever. There were no other workable options. This is exactly why, when I hear people say crossdressing is harmless, I wince internally. The truth is, when mishandled, crossdressing and can wreck havoc on your life and on your emotional health.

I'm not sure if this is overlooked, but the reality is that, whether or not someone chooses to transition, they are still going to have to actively socialize their second gender identity or they will not be able to function as a healthy man or woman. This is why doctors insist that candidates live as their target gender for a time prior to surgery. Transitioning in self-imposed isolation and planning to come out and join the world afterward is an absolutely insane idea.

[Lashawna_Brooke]

Trust me Im with you, Ive been trying to socilize and get out, but the community around my area, mainly just gets dressed up and go out to get some, and the ones are are in the boat that im in. Either don't come out, or i just ain't found them. I know my idea is off the wall, but im quickly running out of idea and options. Tennessee ain't real accepting of the transgender world, and you can even get shot for being different, so I have to pack heat and even my M4 in the truck if it get real hot. Its really scary. And in Harriman its so small and everyone knows everyone. But in turn i dont know anyone lol. I just dont know anymore. I just dont wont to relaps to guy mode all the time. Ill go crazy and all the cigerates in the world won't fell the gap in my heart.

[Courtneigh]

You are not the only one with that problem...I know how you feel. Good luck.

[ReineD]

Again, this:



Isolation caused by a pre-occupation to privately push gender norms, is a direct path to depression and then more self-imposed isolation. It's a cycle and it's destructive to us as humans. Break that cycle. We as humans need to socialize with others to feel complete. You simply cannot explore gender barriers where guilt and shame is present within you, develop a whole new gender identity of the opposite sex, and not socialize that second identity without negative consequences. That second identity will quickly become stifled and unfulfilled, and "she" will make you miserable until you give in and socialize her.

I wonder if the reason you are feeling like you may need to go full-time, is that, when you're in girl-mode, "she" is no longer screaming at you to do something, and you find that you suddenly feel better. What's happening internally is that you're getting a fix of feel-good brain chemicals that are masking the problem of "her" needing to essentially grow and evolve. Instead of trying to live full time in girl-mode where it will become impossible to keep those feel-good brain chemicals flowing 24/7, you may instead need to begin to plan how you are going to express you femme side (i.e. "her") more thoroughly than you are now, so the femme side of you stops feeling isolated.

A few years ago, I hit an unexpected wall when I suddenly found that when I would do my normal routine of fully presenting as female and just staying in the house by myself, I no longer felt that internal, feel-good rush. My tanks of feel-good juice were completely empty. I was clearly at an impasse. I knew immediately that I couldn't wait any longer and that I had to break my femme side out of the prison I had so carefully constructed in order to protect my self and my ego from the dangers of the outside world. It was a bit scary to say the least, but it was either that, or be absolutely miserable forever. There were no other workable options. This is exactly why, when I hear people say crossdressing is harmless, I wince internally. The truth is, when mishandled, crossdressing and can wreck havoc on your life and on your emotional health.

I'm not sure if this is overlooked, but the reality is that, whether or not someone chooses to transition, they are still going to have to actively socialize their second gender identity or they will not be able to function as a healthy man or woman. This is why doctors insist that candidates live as their target gender for a time prior to surgery. Transitioning in self-imposed isolation and planning to come out and join the world afterward is an absolutely insane idea.

Lashawna, I'm convinced that when a CDer's feminine expression is suppressed once the need to leave the closet manifests itself, it risks taking on epic proportions. It's imperative to try to strike a balance and the only way to do this is to construct safe venues for going out. My SO joined a great TG support group that wasn't into "getting some". They met once per month and spouses/families were invited as well. People formed friendships and having gone to the meetings for some time gave my SO the courage to start going out on her own. Yes, it is nice to find like-minded friends to do things with, but you'll find after awhile that you won't want to go out with several other CDers in the mainstream, simply because you'll get read much more easily. A lot of CDers get stuck in the tranny-bar/LGBT nightclub scene rut where it is safe to go out, but is rather one-dimensional. You want to go out into the sunshine and go shopping, see a movie, eat at a restaurant, interact with people who will only know your girl self. This is what my SO does, about twice per week. She did try to meet people locally but we're in a small town and it didn't work out. So now she has an array of places that she goes to on a regular basis, sometimes alone and sometimes with me. She often just brings a laptop and some paper work to a place with wifi, and she gets to kill two birds with one stone: hang out someplace dressed and interact with people while getting some work done. :) She has gotten to know the people who work at the places she frequents and some of the patrons, and they do know that she is not a GG (this is unavoidable once you get into an extended conversation with someone). However, they do enjoy her company since my SO is a very nice person. :) Once you get used to doing this, you'll see that it won't be as scary as you think it is, and you won't "need" another CDer to be out there with you ... and as I said, more often than not this is a liability.

It did take several years for my SO to get to this point though, so don't expect to be fluid with your gender expression overnight. But, the fun is in exploring and constructing such a life. For years my SO would scope out a place in guy mode first to see if she might feel safe there, and then she'd return a few days later dressed. And she just built it up from there.

You're not far away from Knoxville so there must be tons of interesting neighborhoods you could explore. Maybe you could find some contacts below to see if there is a better TG group you could join as well, again just to shoot the breeze with some people while you build up your confidence:

http://www.examiner.com/article/trans-support-group-meeting-september-2011
https://sites.google.com/site/tennesseevals/

... one small step at a time. :hugs:

[docrobbysherry]

Yea, this forum has been a life saver for me, Im just got a lot going on, and I cant seem to work my self through this. I know i need to go talk to some one. And when i have the time and extra money i am going to, belive me, I guess right now im just out of place to turn to. And there aint no one near me that I can hangout with and talk to on a regular basics.
Good idea!
Lashawna, having sympathetic folks to hang with and talk to here is one thing. And, making life changing decisions r quite another. If u talk to a qualified, experienced counselor about the issues u r facing, he/she may be able to help point u in the rite direction! After you've made those difficult changes in your life, THEN, you may really need a support group!

[Tracii G]

My M4 stays at home LOL
If you go to K Town stay off Broadway its a hell hole in that area.I used to deliver in that area so I know what its like there.
Being the way I am and being a truck driver isn't a good match so I know the situation you are in.
I would still like to hook up with you like we discussed because it sounds like you need a friend to hang out with.
This place is the best for venting your frustration so keep posting and getting help here.
Getting a professional gender therapist is a good idea too.If you can and I think you should it would help a lot.

This site has helped me so much in the last 4 years and I am very grateful I found it.

[Lashawna_Brooke]

Oh, yea Broadway sucks, The union hall is on Broadway, so I know all about it. And yea if i can get up that way I will im between Outages right now so i have a lil bit of free time, Overcourse im having to play catchup on everything that I didnt go when i was layed off. lol

[I Am Paula]

I wouldn't mind my penis being removed, as long as it was replaced with something prettier.

Well said. I'd rather have an inny that an outy myself.