Now even more of a recluse

[Sarah27]

Life now feels like waking working and sleeping now. I desire nothing, want nothing, think nothing, feel nothing anymore. I'm not depressed or suicidal, just not here anymore, like i've had a lobotomy and only do what I have to to get by. I only dress up now every night because it sort of feels better than not dressing and I remember it being a good thing.

[Marleena]

Sarah I don't know anything about you. Are you TS? Have you been diagnosed, seeing a gender therapist, etc.?

[Sarah27]

TS, not diagnosed, haven't seen a doctor in 4 years, no health insurance as of now, no extra money.

[Marleena]

Okay that helps a bit. Being TS is difficult enough and not getting help for it makes things worse. You might want to give some background on how you arrived at thinking you're TS so the others can make suggestions. The more they know the more help you'll get.

[Traci Elizabeth]

I am sure there is a free clinic somewhere in your area where you can get help. Even calling a hot line for direction.

[Sarah27]

My earliest memories to now are almost completely about me being a girl mentally. As far back as I remember I knew I was a girl, I would steal my moms lipstick and write on my upper legs when I was like 6 "I am a girl". I think I finally had the nerve to start any kind of dressing before the age of 5, I literally thought I was a girl and maybe that was normal and that boys turned to girls at some point in their teens. It wasn't until Junior High when I mentioned to some friends how awesome the cheerleading uniforms were that the cheerleaders were wearing, and that I wish I could wear one, and they said your not supposed to like their clothes, your supposed to like the girls, my whole world came crashing down and I thought there was something wrong with me from then on. I've always had girlfriends, never been attracted to guys, didn't tell anyone anything till I was 20, but when I am attracted to girls I am also jealous of them for what they have freely and am angry that they take it for granted. School was torture for me because I was constantly called gay, though I always had attractive girlfriends because of my looks and always had awesome grades and skipped years of some classes. When I went to a big University for Physics things just got worse, the first few years were good, but then things went downhill, I gave up on life completely, i'm not sure what point this happened, I was on antipsychotic drugs at one point because I couldn't stop crying sometimes and thinking things, I failed all of my classes at the end of 3 or 4 years, dropped out, moved back in with the parents who are not accepting of me at all, then joined the army for military intelligence went to basic training and got scared about the FBI finding my medical records since I needed a top secret clearance, so I came clean and was discharged. I have been pretty much living at home now working at a grocery store for minimum wage for like 4 years, and I go to work, come home find things to do alone, go to sleep and then all over again this whole time. I had seen psychiatrists and psychologists during college and a year or two after, they pretty much saved my life, but I lost my health insurance and can't see them anymore. So i'm afraid to do anything or meet anyone in case I go crazy again.

[Barbara Ella]

Dear Sarah, you may not be suicidal, but you are depressed. The feeling of nothing, and being in a cloud where you are just going through motions is depression. You need to contact a free clinic or hot line. I do not know why, but you need to let your inner thoughts out to someone who can try to help you understand. Being a recluse is not a bad thing, but being one like you describe is. There is so much more to what we do than just getting by. I am struggling with this same thought right now, but retain the desires to do things. Not a whole lot better, but keeping the functionality makes life better.

Barbara

[Marleena]

Sarah you can also try finding a local TS group, call them and start the ball rolling. They can help you find the right contacts for the help you need.

[Sarah27]

There is no TG community near me, 3 hours away there is a twice a month meeting for TG's. I live in a predominantly gay town, making it harder for me to not look gay or be assumed gay. I've tried to get out of this town many times. And in December I will have full health coverage through my job.

[morgan51]

Sarah; I know first hand how bad it feels to not be able to do anything My heart goes out to you. I agree you need to talk so keep posting there are a bunch of great gals here to help! Dressing helped me as well but only goes so far....ts is not so much about clothing for me. Its about my body so I understand your depression a little anyway. I became really dfepressed a couple years back when I had to stop hormones it was bad. I'm usually not a down type person.

[ReineD]

Sarah, this must be incredibly difficult, I'm so sorry.

But it does sound like depression. The insurance laws have changed and one of my sons is on his father's insurance plan until he is 26. If you are younger than this, can you get onto your parents' plan? If you could see a doctor, he or she might find that you are a candidate for antidepressants. And IF you can find the right type and dosage, it might help you to improve your work and/or educational prospects (would it be too late to take up your undergrad degree and finish it), and then you could get out of this "waiting place" that you're in? You need to find a way to get more income so that you can move forward towards your target gender.

These are only suggestions.

[Tara D. Rose]

Sarah, I feel your pain. I've been where you are. I am where you are. Emptiness all around. I find solace in nothing. So mis-understood. I'm really still there. I pray that you will find from our experienced, knowledgeable, and wise members here that they will give you just the right words to help you on here. You are still very young. I know it is very confusing for you. You will find some help here, whether it be on the public forums here, and I'm sure that any of us will be glad to help you all that they can by way of PM's as well. Or refer you to someone they know personally or professionally. It's too late for me, but I can say that with you being new on here and still very young and confused, you will find help here. We will all listen to you, we will all relate and do our very best to give you all the advice we can give, based from our own experiences, and of knowing others in our lives that we have learned from. It is depression and it's very sad. I will pray for you tonight. You will be in my last thought this evening. I have a son your age.
I WILL talk to you later.

[Mia-Ts]

antidepressants helped me when I was struggling through a deep malaise, I would second Reine's idea

[kimdl93]

Sarah, aside from seeking out a professional therapist to deal with these mood issues, I would recommned that you force yourself to get up and out. There's an old saying in cognitive therapy that says "its much easier to act your way into new ways of thinking than it is to think your way into new ways of acting.

In other words, if you get out and interact with people in a positive way, even if it feels like work, eventually your mind will tend to follow along with your body and you may start feeling interested and involved.