Selfishness?

[Anne2345]

A very close friend recently wrote:


Being TG is to know selfishness, whether we like it or not.

Perhaps there is much truth to this statement. Personally, however, I do like to think that I am not a selfish person, per se.

After all, like most here, I have made many sacrifices throughout the years for friends, family, and various causes. I would do anything for anyone that was within my power and ability to do. And typically, I am not a me-first type of person.

I am typically not me-first, that is, except for one itty, bitty, little, teenie, tiny exception - I am transsexual, which seems to make me all about me. At least in so for as that is concerned.

But the thing is, I just can't seem to help myself. I know I am obsessed with it all. I think about myself, gender, and what to do about it all the time, every single day, without fail. It affects my mood, my relationships, my work, my family, and everything else to some degree or another.

And the desire and need to push farther, to take the next step forward, to become more real, to become more true to myself and authentic, is all-consuming, insatiable, and driving me insane. I do not need this, though. I do not want it. Yet there it is, right there in front of me, demanding my attention, consideration, cooperation, and ultimately, my submission.

If I continue to trudge forward, though, there is a very real possibility that my so-called progress will eventually hurt my family. To be sure, any such future actions will neither serve the interests of my wife, nor the interests of my seven year old daughter. My actions would only serve me, and only me.

The thing is, I recognize all of this. Still, I struggle, and struggle, and struggle with it. The status quo is slowly killing me, though. My brain will not shut the hell up, and it goes on and on and on and on with no end in sight. For all the chaos and intensity blaring through my mind, there are days I think my head is simply just going to explode, and I will be no more.

Is this just temporary, though? Can I run away from it all and hide my head in the sand like I used to back in the day?

Can I just weather the storm and hope it all goes away?

Or is it possible that I might get lucky and wake up one morning to find that all of this has just magically disappeared from my life, and that my family and I can thereafter live out the remainder of our days happily ever after?

Does it work that way? Can it work that way?

Clearly, as we all know, the answers to these two rather rhetorical questions are "no," and "no," respectively.

So what do I do? Try to maintain my unmaintainable status quo, exist as-is, and continue to slowly (but surely) lose my ****ing mind?

Or do I take that next step forward, whatever that may be, and eventually the step after that?

Knowing, though, that each additional step I take increasingly serves me, and only me, and to the possible detriment of my family, am I being selfish?

On its face, if I do this, it appears that it may be an act of extreme selfishness. But is it really?

You see, it's not that I want to hurt my family. That is the absolute last thing I want to do. In fact, I want nothing more than to keep my family healthy and intact, and I want to remain a part of it. I want to be there for my wife, and I need to be there for my daughter. I love my family, and I want no harm or ill to come to them.

Still, I am desperate. I hurt much. I struggle daily. I just can't seem to make this work or keep it all together. I feel like I am failing life, and doing so in a spectacularly miserable fashion.

I recognize that life, however, is chock full of sacrifice. Everybody makes sacrifices in life. In this, I am no different than anybody else in the world, or any of you.

But if one has no other viable options, and no other way to make her life work, is it selfish to take that next step? Or can that next step forward be distinguished as a necessary act of self-preservation, and therefore not selfishness?

Regardless of semantics, would it be my fault if harm or hurt comes to my family as a result? Would I be to blame? Or would it be the fault of unfair and out of control circumstance?

To be fair, my family did not sign up for this. But neither did I, either.

So what's the deal? If it is what it is, and it will be what it will be, does it even matter in the first place?

In the long run, can sacrifice, even if well-intentioned, be a form of selfishness in and of itself?

Does any of this even make sense? Or am I out there floating around in space again?

[max]

Sometimes it is healthy to be selfish.

[outhiking]

Is wearing glasses considered selfish? Some of us need them to be able to see properly and likewise, some of us need to crossdress to see ourselves properly. Like anything taken to extremes, if it causes harm to others than it is selfish.

[elizabethamy]

Anne,

You ask if sacrifice can be a form of selfishness in and of itself...I think so. I think sacrifice sometimes comes in the form of compromise, and compromise is a virtue if it's heartfelt and mutual, but if it's really just capitulation to something you don't truly want or can't truly abide -- well, then your family will sense it, your friends will sense it, you will know it.

If I could write like you I could have written your post. And more and more I see that one can only put others first if one's own self is in some kind of alignment. Perhaps our bodies and inner genders might never be aligned, but some kind of peace, some kind of lessening of the inner gender monster madness, must surely be available without wrecking our families, our jobs, our friends, our lives as we know them...surely...

yet what if not? what if the compulsion to transition finally becomes so overwhelming that there is no other choice? Then it would have to be said that acting on that compulsion is not selfish but is instead an act of survival. How many times have we read the words of others on this forum who fought it off until they realized they were buying guns to kill themselves, or even attempting suicide? Who then transitioned because even their horrified wives and children would have to agree that a transitioned husband and father was better than a dead one whose demise would be a source of family misery for years to come....

I'm not saying you have to transition to avoid suicide. But I am saying that I suppose "they" can say it's selfish to be TG/TS until it becomes a matter of whether you are allowed to have a self.

Practically speaking, how to contain the gender monster? Therapy works for some, meds for others, hyperbusyness for still others, light doses of estrogen or t blockers for yet another group. And maybe acceptance/compromise/capitulation works for some. The jury is out and who knows when it's coming back. It's one day at a time -- learn more about yourself and what you need, as Kaitlyn Michele said, collect all the data about yourself you can find. My newest resolution is to slow down, take my time, let discoveries come naturally rather than frantically.

I have to say I reject the selfishness argument. Of course I wish I didn't have this condition -- don't we all -- but I don't regret a minute of the time I've spent trying to understand who I am and how I fit into the world. I'm sad that my particular self-discovery (and, I gather, yours) has no immediate upside for the wife and kids, but perhaps in the long run they will benefit from having a husband/father who shows he (she?) can do something really hard to be himself (herself?).

Being yourself is not selfish; putting others first is not selfless if you lose yourself in the process.

You struck a chord, Anne -- as usual! All the best, every day!

elizabethamy

[Kaz]

Dear Anne, ultimately we can see everything we do in life as selfish... even if we do things for others are we? Or are we serving a self-centred need within?

I see no reason why your continued 'progress' should be at odds with your current relationships - if they are then it is their selfishness that is also causing the issues... we all have to accept ourselves as who we are and hope that we can accept others and that they can accept us?

[ReineD]

A very close friend recently wrote:


Being TG is to know selfishness, whether we like it or not.

Perhaps there is much truth to this statement. Personally, however, I do like to think that I am not a selfish person, per se.

If transsexuality were accepted in our society, it would not be selfish for someone to be true to themselves. The 'selfishness' (or if you prefer taking care of one's basic needs) lies in challenging social views of gender and the social repercussions of doing this.

Look at a different scenario that requires someone to be selfish, for example undergoing chemo for cancer. This requires someone to take care of their health and temporarily not be able to fully fulfill their daily responsibilities until they are healthy again. Families understand this.



If I continue to trudge forward, though, there is a very real possibility that my so-called progress will eventually hurt my family. To be sure, any such future actions will neither serve the interests of my wife, nor the interests of my seven year old daughter. My actions would only serve me, and only me.

If you cannot find a way to honor who you are, how will your family benefit from the potential depression, or lack of focus, or your inability to be present in their lives, as long as you experience such deep internal conflict?

The difference between taking care of one's health as in the chemo example and undergoing a physical gender change, however, in it's purest sense is that when you are done attending to your internal needs, you come out of it a different person (to your wife) than she married. Putting aside society's bias against this and the (potential) resulting losses, if your wife cannot be married to another woman, the marriage must end. But, can the marriage continue happily or even peacefully, if one person is fundamentally unhappy because this person experiences internal conflict?

There's another side to this. Pretend for a moment that you had never been married. You live in the same place, know the same people, have devoted the same number of years building a career and have achieved the same success, you look the same, have the same body, what would you do? How would you weigh all your other life needs? How would you reconcile your need to be Anne, and your need perhaps to find a person you could share your life with or live up to your full potential in other areas, given the milieu that you live in? Doing this requires total objectivity but whatever decision you would make, would ring true to YOU. You would make your decisions based on everything else that YOU want, and the thought that you might be selfish at someone else's expense would not come into it. You might decide to move forward with transition, you might decide to explore Anne sufficiently for a few years first before deciding, or you might decide that something other than full transition is the best solution for you.

Maybe this should form the starting point for any of your future decisions?

Does your wife know that you are contemplating transition? What are her views on this?

[elizabethamy]

Pretend for a moment that you had never been married. You live in the same place, know the same people, have devoted the same number of years building a career and have achieved the same success, you look the same, have the same body, what would you do? How would you weigh all your other life needs? How would you reconcile your need to be Anne, and your need perhaps to find a person you could share your life with or live up to your full potential in other areas, given the milieu that you live in? Doing this requires total objectivity but whatever decision you would make, would ring true to YOU. You would make your decisions based on everything else that YOU want, and the thought that you might be selfish at someone else's expense would not come into it. You might decide to move forward with transition, you might decide to explore Anne sufficiently for a few years first before deciding, or you might decide that something other than full transition is the best solution for you.

Maybe this should form the starting point for any of your future decisions?


Reine, as usual you have wise things to say. But I wonder if this is just an unanswerable hypothetical. My wife asks this one all the time -- if you didn't have me and the kids, wouldn't you just put your dress on and not look back?

Regardless of the hypothetical answer, the fact that I (in this case, and Anne, as she made this thread) am not free to take those actions without raining down catastrophe means that it's not possible to be there, to go there, to start there. My hunch is that many, many on this board would be doing a lot more transitioning, RLE, hormones, full time, shocking work colleagues, etc, if it weren't for family norms. But so what? The agony is not in wondering what you might do if left all alone, but what you can no longer bear without stepping further outside the male gender.

elizabethamy

[ReineD]

There's just so much to sort through when it comes to decisions surrounding transition, that it may well be helpful to remove some variables and look at the situation from several different angles, before determining a path. Ultimately, Anne needs to figure out if her indecision in moving forward is caused more by her unwillingness to hurt her family, or if she also has other life needs that she does not want to give up.

I asked my SO last night how she felt during all the years that she dressed within the very private confines of her home. I wondered how difficult this had been for her. She was single for many years and there were no constraints placed on her by another human being's needs. She told me that SHE had other priorities at the time (obtaining a grad degree and developing herself within her field), and because of this her decisions were her own and therefore she did not feel constrained the way she would have felt, had constraints been placed on her through someone else's needs.

She was therefore free to get rid of all the noise and ultimately decide what SHE wanted. After this, the path forward became quite clear. This way of determining one's inner truth holds true whether one is transsexual, bigender, or a crossdresser, and regardless of the path ultimately chosen.

[Breanna Jaqueline]

Being TG is to know selfishness, whether we like it or not.

I hate hate hate this quote. Maybe it should read "Being Human is to know selfishness, ..." I will not acknowledge that TGism has anything in and of itself to do with selfishness. Ones actions on the other hand has everything to do with it.


If transsexuality were accepted in our society, it would not be selfish for someone to be true to themselves. The 'selfishness' (or if you prefer taking care of one's basic needs) lies in challenging social views of gender and the social repercussions of doing this.
I think Reine nailed that one as to why society views TS as selfish.

To borrow a definition from dictionary.com
selfishness: devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.

Anne, I think you have shown you are very concerned with your families interests and how transition would affect them. This I think is not selfishness.



But if one has no other viable options, and no other way to make her life work, is it selfish to take that next step? Or can that next step forward be distinguished as a necessary act of self-preservation, and therefore not selfishness?
This one makes me wonder, if there really are no other options, would it be selfish to NOT take that next step? To force oneself to be completely unhappy in order to avoid causing others any distress, is that selfishness, or a scapegoat?

[Anne2345]

But I wonder if this is just an unanswerable hypothetical.
. . . .

Regardless of the hypothetical answer, the fact that I (in this case, and Anne, as she made this thread) am not free to take those actions without raining down catastrophe means that it's not possible to be there, to go there, to start there.

I have written many times in the past on this forum about things I did not think I could do. Each step along the way, I have proved myself wrong. Not only could I do such things, I ultimately needed to do those things. Those things became necessary. And when the time was right, I did them, and I did not look back.

I now recognize that I can do anything I choose to do. I no longer think in terms of “cannot,” as I did before. And to those members that have been telling me this since day one – yeah, I get it, and I’ll own up to it – you told me so. :-P

Of course, depending on what I choose to do, it does not mean it will be easy or without significant consequence. Nor does this recognition mean that I should, or I will take a certain course of action. It simply means that I finally recognize that all options are available and open to me, and that I am only limited by those things I choose and allow myself to be limited by.

[melissaK]

Great thread. Truly is.

We are pretty complicated creatures living in a pretty complicated social structure. And of course change is manifest in all these things.

Reine suggested simplifying to sort out ourselves. I like the idea, and certainly try on those simplified hypotheticals to assess myself. Like Elizabeth says though, my actual life isn't that simple and the lessons from simplifying are hard to apply to more complex situations.

I wanted to drag the simplifying idea further down the road. In evolutionary biology we look for certain traits that advance life. For people we display more complex interacting traits than nearly any other creature we can presently understand well enough to compare. At one level we survive as individuals first and foremost. If we don't, we don't procreate. But we do procreate we display traits of sacrificing our individual needs to keep the offspring alive and positioned to procreate again. And we do all of this amidst the context of existing in a colony with other humans. And when amid the colony, we can sacrifice our immediate individual needs to benefit our long term needs.

So the ability to sacrifice self exists within us, both for our own perceived long term gain, or the perceived long term gain of our offspring.

Being transgendered tests that self sacrificing ability - sometimes to the breaking point. It's such an odd condition in that we can overcome it, but only for awhile. And I think all these posts are about our own perceptions of how much sacrifice is necessary, whether for us individually or for our offspring.

And keeping in mind no two people have completely identicle DNA, and no two of us have walked the same path experiencing life, we all perceive it differently. It's just the way it is. And in the end we each decide selfishly where the boundaries on sacrifice are.

It's selfish to think only we can provide for our family so we can't transition. It's selfish to decide my family is good to go and that we're going to transition. So, I think the original post's quote that to be trams is to know selfishness is right.

Hugs,
'lissa

[Traci Elizabeth]

Humans have been selfish since the beginning of time.

[kimdl93]

So much has been said that there's little I can add except to note that self preservation and personal growth are innate parts of being a healthy and fulfilled person. If you find a path that allows you to survive and grow, it may also enable you to better meet the needs and wishes of those who love and depend on you. It may not be the path they thought they were on, but it's not necessarily worse and could turn out better . Life is so full of surprises.

[Dawn cd]

Yeah, I hear selfishness all over this site. Many (most) of the comments posted around here assume "it's all about me." However, in our lives we make commitments to other people, and once they have been made these commitments constrain our options. We can no longer think just about ourselves. Anne, sweety, you must decide what's most important in your life: Is it your personal development or is it your commitment to others? If you opt for the first...well, then you must downgrade your commitments, which is sad, but maybe necessary. But if you place your commitments first, then you must sacrifice some portion of this journey of discovery that you're on...UNLESS YOU BRING THEM ALONG WITH YOU...in which case, you can be true to yourself AND your commitments. Right now, it's a hard, hard, choice.

[Kathryn Martin]

Have you ever thought about the cries of those that shout: "this cannot be true, this cannot be" as the most selfish thing. We always tend to talk about us being selfish because we do what we must to survive. How many of us have experienced other say "I'd rather you were dead then this" in some form or another.

Your family signed up for you, the person, Anne not just for their fantasy of you. Warts, lumps and all. We tend to believe that somehow what we do is a disservice to others. In fact, what we do because we must serves first and foremost others, because no one, not one single person would subject themselves to what we have to go through to be who we are, but the benefits are palpable in our ability to survive and become healthy. And standing in the way when the do or die moment comes, is like saying: I love my fantasy of you more than the reality of who you are. And how selfish is that.

No one talks about that because there is a comfort in feeling guilty, it justifies so many things including our fears when we approach the point of no return. Many of those that buy into this either die or become the living dead.

[Darla]

Holy Hannah this is a tough thread. And there's no way I'm going to do justice to it on my phone. But Anne, everything you say rings true to many of us and you have a community of people who know some degree of your pain and conflict. I wish you the strength to go on, and the ability to enjoy the treasure that's your family. Hopefully a simple moment with your child or wife can give you a little hope now and then.

The struggle is to be true to yourself without building the resentment or regret that is so easy to fall back on when we feel like we painted ourselves into a corner. You did not ask for this, your wife didn't and most definitely your child did not. But I'm goingto hazard a guess they love you. And that's pretty good. The hard part is accepting the compromise that having this construct around us brings. Reine is brilliant in bring a hypothetical into view, and I must say personally I spend a lot of time in that hypothetical world. It gets me through the day. But ultimately I come back to my immediate present and count my blessings, and try to push through a little more, maybe gain a little more acceptance from my spouse.

Oh dear - my heart goes out to you. You write about it so well, and it's palpable how pained you are. Wish there were a way to virtually buy you a drink, give you a big or listen at length and commiserate. You're not alone in feeling this way.

Darla

[LeaP]

On its face, if I do this, it appears that it may be an act of extreme selfishness. But is it really?

...

In the long run, can sacrifice, even if well-intentioned, be a form of selfishness in and of itself?



The sacrifice you are speaking of is self sacrifice. Sacrifice for a lie - to maintain an illusion for others, in this case - is not noble. If you want to sacrifice for something, do it for truth. Which provides the better lesson?

[melissaK]

Anne this has been such a good thread. Kathryn I think you are spot on. And Lea has your back.

What I was conditioned in my youth to sacrifice myself to do is no longer seen by me as reasonable. But rebellion against the illinformed masses is still frightening. And I give my wife credit in realizing TS is just me, and she has some preconditioned values to examine too.

And Traci E, I could teach you to say that in 400 or 500 words if you want. ;^) I've been frightfully long winded lately ...

Hugs,
'lissa

[Barbara Ella]

Anne, this is such a wonderful thought provoking thread as it hits at many aspects of the dilemma we are confronted with. My first thought was hit on spot by Kim. Every individual is endowed with the innate need for self preservation. Is it selfish to pursue this programmed need for self preservation. Not really. Now when we take a family, does it change the interpretation of self preservation? this is where it gets heavy.

My interpretation is that when family exists, all family members share equally in the self preservation of all members. Our life as a transsexual woman does complicate the issue, but does not change the definition of selfish. It only appears to be selfish because the other family members cannot share in the internal strife we go through to realize who we are. If we could overcome the angst and inform all involved about the true situation, they would gladly recognize that it is not selfish. It is only in the need to keep the secret that we take on the added burden of seeming to be selfish, which only adds to the mental strife we bear.

Of course, there is the risk that if family members were informed, they would not wish to share in the burden, and reject us. It happens, and it is not healthy. When a member does not wish to participate, they automatically define our actions as selfish. However their definition does not necessarily reflect actuality. It only reflects their desired view, not what we are doing.

my wife is not accepting, but my actions actually help to maintain a level of sanity in our family even if she chooses not to participate. if i did not maintain my sanity, we would have no family whatsoever, so how selfish is my transsexual existence.

Great thoughts here.

Barbara

[josee]

Is it selfish to be authentic, to live your life true to who you were born to be?
Or is it selfish to hide your light, your true beautiful complete self, who has no desire to cause anyone harm but bless everyone around them with the joy that comes from true authentisity? (New word?)

Or, is it selfish to keep someone in a box of your own expectations of them when that person can barely stand to be in that box?

From what you have said it appears that your darling little daughter loves her "tom-girl" daddy for who she is, not because she conforms to unrealistic demands to appear to be someone who she is not.

[noeleena]

Hi,

Is it selfish to even think to live, how we were formed we had no say. what we look like can we really change that, maybe a little surgery here & there, yet we are really still the same we can hide behind hair makeup clothes doess that really change us .

Just to live just to be who we are, or are we trying to just please others because thats what they wont. so why can we not just be our selfs ,

If we can when we leave aside what other people think we should be . walk away thats not the way we should be .
So how do we find our selfs, its no wonder we have so many suisdes because .....we..... dont measure up to others expections .
Now what a difference it would be if & when others pull thier bloody heads in & give us some space let us work through to being who we really are,
Then just maybe we will be at peace with in at peace with whats around us,

Can we do it. well i have ,,,,,just i still had to crawl & pull my self through Hell. to get to where i am now i had to be very strong in my self i had to vocus on some thing or some one i did the someone all of my being was on her. yes she was born at the time i needed her & of cause you all know it was Dejarn our grandchild shes now 9 y 8 m, she keeped me alive,

Other wise yea im not going down that road was just to close toclose to know it could have been over. kaput.....


How are we to be strong to get through what we ....need .... to

Get to know who we are what we are capable of our strengths our weakness's & what we can do. then ask for help when we so just need it,

I was staying alive because of Dejarn. we had grown up to gether we loved each other & she was there for me .
Yes i know it maybe a way out weird strange yet she keeped me going I looked forward to her being with me well its many years now im still here ,

i survived my ordeal of Hell now would you say i was selfish or mad just to stay alive, to be able to live this one life i have, im not so sure , depends on where you are in relastion to what you may think a life concists of ,

Maybe one day ill tell her in my book that im ment to be writeing That Jos has said i must do......itll be for Dejarn that will keep me going,

...noeleena...

[Sally24]

I do like the comparison to a terminal disease....this "condition", if not treated properly, diminishes our quality of life and can cause the end of life in many cases. It wasn't a lifestyle choice like smoking, so it's not "our fault". If it was any other medical condition our friends and family would be all around us helping us deal with side effects and treatment. It would not even enter anyone's mind that we were being selfish. Taken from this perspective it is just doing the logical thing and taking care of ourselves. We shouldn't be expected to refuse treatment and just suffer with cancer or diabetes so why shouldn't we accept treatment for transsexualism?

I think it is very UNSELFISH to face up to a treatment that is tough, and has many unpleasant side effects! You Go Girl!!

[morgan51]

Anne, My thoughts and dreams are all about my transition I know first hand that I'm a selfish selfcentered woman. My family have separated from me my sister blasted me with scripture, my kids for the most part accept me, my wife can't. I fault them not at all. I have to do this for me I've repressed it [transition ] for 56 years and I can report it never got better. I'm on the back side of my time here and I want to live the last years happy and usefull. I love my family but if don't do this now I know I will never find peace. Good luck to you I'm wishing you strength and courage and good results! Peace comes with a heavy price for most of us. Hugs

[Inna]

OK this is gonna be really strange comparison to answer all the SELFISHNESS question at hand but it is the best one I have!!!

Imagine the scenario that we our selves are just like creatures from the movie CARS, Yes that movie, children's Pixar epic cartoon story making cars come to life just like us.
Now given that you are with me on this, imagine that you are the car of your choice even if that is MATER, and sporting tire choice not particularly suitable for the conditions of your journey.
I will take Porscha, hmmmmm, I think her name is Sally, lol, in my case I like to engage in the rather curvy slippery and racy roads at speeds much higher then allowed.
My tires would had been a worst grip and traction possible, the wrongest choice I was dealt with from the beginning.
I would have grown up that way and even though I was expected by everyone around me to perform like Porsche I would simply just pretend because I was not able to perform at that level and no one cared to check that I was dealt the wrongest tires of choice.
Well, in order for me to truly BECOME, the Porsche I am I will have to definitely get a right set of the formula 1 set of wheel rubber I can get my hands on, but what that is going to take is to first slow down then STOP, and allow the tires to be changed.

You CAN NOT do this at highway speeds!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And so, for everyone else to enjoy my full potential, for me to finally feel whole and for me to give back what I was meant to give, I my self have to take time to make that change, and in all honesty, it isn't selfishness, at least not selfishness everyone understands it to be, but time to my self to get me wright and able to then give my self in its fullest potential to others. And that is an opposite of selfishness which I call TRUE LOVE!

[Aprilrain]

Thank GOD im a selfish person! it has probably not only saved my life but maybe my wife and kids lives as well. The level of anger and frustration that I felt was so high who knows what I was capable of! Life ain't no picnic wether one transitions or not. there are plenty of sacrifices to make during and after transition the only difference being that now I am a woman making sacrifices instead of a (so called) man hiding from the truth and being a coward. but that is just my experience.

[TGMarla]

The term "selfishness" is very stark. It's easy to read it as an all-or-nothing trait.

But there are lots of other lesser forms of selfishness that are related to being trans. I think it's fair to say that most, if not all, MTF transexuals have engaged in crossdressing. How many times did any of us make excuses to people to get out of a gathering of family or friends in order to gain some time alone simply so that we could crossdress in peace for a while? How many of us have socked a little cash away to buy that new dress, even though the monthly budget was kinda tight? Not every one of us disclosed our gender dysphoria to our loved ones before we made supposed lifetime commitments to them. Then later, after the ship has sailed, out comes this agenda that no one knew about. It's like tossing the saddle on the wild horse for the first time. The shock is unimaginable. And yet, most often (since we've lived with this all our lives) we expect our families to be just okay with all of it. We cannot comprehend the shock all of this is to these people because we're used to it. We're okay with ourselves. The fact that we're transgendered doesn't change our opinions of ourselves. We're used to it. Why can't they all just accept it as we have?

"Selfish" is not a statement that is all about transition. It's a whole lot of other little things, too.

Kaz said
I see no reason why your continued 'progress' should be at odds with your current relationships - if they are then it is their selfishness that is also causing the issues... we all have to accept ourselves as who we are and hope that we can accept others and that they can accept us? How can you say that? Of course it's at odds with one's current relationships. When we marry, and have children, are we not entering into an agreement with that person, supposedly forever? We vow to be true to that person, to be her husband. What's the point of making a promise if you're not willing to keep it?

Josee said
From what you have said it appears that your darling little daughter loves her "tom-girl" daddy for who she is, not because she conforms to unrealistic demands to appear to be someone who she is not. For crying out loud, Josee, Anne's daughter is a little kid. You cannot possibly expect her to really understand any of this, can you? She undoubtedly sees her father in a way that only a child can, as a strong and compassionate father figure. It's ridiculous to suggest that were Anne to suddenly become her other mommy, that she'd just go with the flow, and be fine with it all at her age. It's one thing for her to have painted nails. It's quite another for her to transition and tell her that her daddy is now a woman.

And when we as men have children, are we not bound by an unspoken commitment to be that person's father? If we transition, we're forcing that child to lose a father while not really gaining a mother. Perhaps when a child is grown, they can take all this in with some reason and thought. But when they're young, none of it makes any sense to them.

I hear all the time about how selfish our spouses can be in not accepting our dual nature. I hear all the time about "if she really loves you, then she should accept this part of you, too!" Well, bless all the women like Reine who accept this without much reservation. But most women didn't sign up for this. To turn the tables on them and declare them the selfish ones because they really weren't prepared to deal with a transexual husband is downright nasty. It's simply not their fault. It's not like having a soldier for a husband who comes home with a couple of limbs torn off. In this case, it's more like the husband goes off and volunteers to have his manhood removed, depriving the wife of the husband she so desired to have in her life. So much for that vow he made to her on their wedding day.

I get that in many cases, the person who ultimately opts for a surgical solution does so because they're at the end of their rope. I do not fault these people for taking this road. I even envy them to an extent. They are going to try and be the women they always wanted to be, just like I wanted for myself. I understand completely the whys, the wants, and the needs. And it may indeed be very unselfish to undertake such a solution. SRS is not something to enter into lightly. It is a solution of last resort. It should be done only when there are no other answers. And if the choice is to either transition or die, then the answer becomes rather simple.

But I think that many of us have some kind of fairy-tale image of what the outcome would be. We'd get to have long hair, and pretty nails. We'd get to wear dresses and pretty clothes, high heels and jewelry. We'd get to wear makeup and engage in girl talk with our female friends. We could finally act like women without guys suggesting that we were limp-wristed little fairies.

The reality is all too often very different from that. Most of us would still have massive hands for women. And facial restructuring can do wonders, but still only do so much. We're most often very tall, very big women. We'd have no female past to draw upon, no first prom dress, no first kiss that we wrote about in our diaries, no crush on whatever young male pop star was riding the charts when we were young teens. And then there's the issues of careers, housing, familial relationships with the extended family. Like it or not, there is a lot of prejudice out there against transexuals, and it's not going to go away quickly.

Yes, it's all very selfish. But sometimes being selfish is the only available answer. Yet this one answer is greatly outnumbered by all of the questions involved. It's much more complicated that a simple "You've gotta be YOU, girl!!!"

Anne, you have been a member here for a year and a half. In that time, you have gone from embracing your closet to contemplating transition and SRS. All of this has taken place in a relatively short period of time. The long years of repression and depression notwithstanding, your time here has been a flood of new horizons and experiences, resulting in a very dense pink fog that has you longing for a permanent solution that is womanhood as complete as you can make it. I understand. I really do. At times it can be unbearable. But it is only when all other options have been exhausted that these solutions become no longer "selfish", but rather "self-preserving". When you have your answer, you'll know it, because you'll no longer be confused about it. Until then, you still have some thinking to do.

[Bree-asaurus]

We usually spend the first part of our lives repressing who we are out of fear and for the perceived well-being of everyone else in our life. The way we live our lies is anything but selfish.

When we simply can't take the lies anymore, we begin to be just as selfish as every other human being who is able to be themselves and stop bowing to the pressures of everyone else.

We may seem selfish to those who don't understand us, and we are indeed being more selfish than we have been. But we aren't being anymore selfish than the average human being.

It's those who expect us to live a lie for them who are the selfish ones.

[Debglam]

:2c:

I believe there is a tipping point where what is selfish becomes survival. Survival not just for the individual but for the family members as well. "Please place your oxygen mask on first before trying to put the mask on your loved ones. . ."

I have shed so much anger and stress simply by being able to be myself in my middle path world that I can understand the need to transition as a matter of survival.

Only you know what is in your heart of hearts and what you need to do!

Debby

[Sara Jessica]

Selfish?

When a life is built around a marriage, children, career, etc., then yes, torpedoing all of that for the sake of being true to one's self can easily be seen as selfish. Reason being is because of the collateral damage that is risked (probable perhaps but not assured) to many others who are dear to you.

Selfish?

(inserting myself into the discussion...)

Acknowledging the inherent selfish nature of such torpedo and a desire not to destroy what I have built, welcome to a middle path. But selfishness doesn't go away. I have made choices which have resulted in the building of a rich "other" life full of friends and experiences through a different set of eyes. Think of a Venn Diagram as to where these things intersect in some ways with my so-called normal life. The body modifications exist there, they exist whether I present as female or not. Aren't those kind of selfish given the fact my wife didn't sign on to be married to a woman? I think going into it she thought a CD could be kept under some semblance of control. Married to a TS? All bets are off. And one must also be careful not to let lingering mascara enter into the intersection of said Venn Diagram ;).

So absent a feeling of transition at all costs, then perhaps the selfless thing to do is to live life in a less-than-authentic manner but find the place where both sides of you can co-exist.

But isn't this what I've been telling you all along???