Toxic family ruined ny life. I may be finished with dressing, and more.

[Alice Torn]

Some people are born cursed. Some never escape family curses. Some never had a chance. Some should have died at birth. For a few, family takes their soul. A mental, emotional, spiritual living hell. Some parents had no business getting married, nor having hellish offspring. Hitler, Stalin, Pol Pot, Mao, Ted Bundy, Charlie Manson, etc. But, many tyrants are not known, and them, and their kids make some siblings and kids a torture for life, and nothing helps, but to go into a deep sleep. I am not wanting to exit, but considering one soon. Thanks for support on here.

[StephanieT]

Alice, Sorry you are having a bad day. Please find someone to talk to that will understand and support you. Hopefully tomorrow brings a different perspective.

[MsJanessa]

something has obviously happened to set you off---if you want to share we would be willing to listen and if you would rather do so in private feel free to send me a PM\

[KellyJameson]

Hi Alice

I work in a field that studies the affects of childhood deprivation so I certainly can sympathise with your words.

To be able to name something shows that you stand outside of it so you are not toxic even though your life has been touched by evil you have not been poisoned by it.

The greatest gift we can give ourselves is to be morally better than those who have hurt us.

If you are a reader I would suggest works by Alice Miller in addition to reading the works of Llyod Demause "Psycohistory" and particularly "People of the Lie" by Scott Peck who does an excellent job of defining human evil (sickness).

Toxic Families are the "norm" not the exception so what you have experienced most have to greater or lesser extent but it is possible to break away from the sickness and stand outside the madness.

All behavior is rational no matter how irrational it appears to be and it is only our perspective that prevents us from understanding the truth (why it is rational for them)

[Alice Torn]

It is all crazymaking, fake, phoney, passive aggressive cruelty, and tyranny, and torture, spreading the misery. I wish i had not been born , than to have born into a lifetime of evil family bondage.

[Amanda22]

Alice, family members can hurt us more than anyone else. And they seem to do it without a care. My family disowned me 15 years ago. It was traumatic and I deal with unhealthy feelings concerning that every day (more lately as the holidays begin to come into sight). I will probably start seeing my therapist again soon. Do you have a therapist?

[max]

You're at an age where if your family is that toxic you could cut all contact with them can't you?

[Alice Torn]

My evil older brother is out of prison, helping my toxic father, but will leave in about a month. Then, my father guilt trips me, to say I have to be with the tyrant, then, for the winter, being his caretaker. This man said he wished he had never been married, and never had sons, many times, yet expects Hitler like loyalty. He never wanted me to have my own life. i gave up my business over two yrs ago, drove 2000 miles twice, to get here to help this manipulating, God playing tyrant. He drove my mom insane, and she is now dead. He says he has had the worst life on earth, and i should have it hard, too. Thing is, my life has been ten times harder than his!!!!! He is a 91 yr old tyrant, says he is never going into a nursing home, and expects me to take care of him, because all my life, he has sais he expects me to be there for him when he is old. That is good, when the father is not a self pitying, negative in the extreme gloom spreader, tyrant, with a lifetime iron rule over his son. It s all about poor little him! I think of killing him, or myself! I do go to a VA therapist, and she tells me to stay away from there. Trouble is, i can't just leave him alone, with no help. He will need persoanl assistance eventually, and I refuse to be his nurse. I pray that he would rest in peace anyday, but the doctor says he could live a numver of years yet, with a healthy heart. My older twin brothers I am in no mood to dress, and may not for many days, weeks or months. really always hated me, and resented me, too, and want to see me suffer here, taking care of him. I have absolutely no desire to dress up, and may not for a long time. I don't believe all marriages and families are made in heaven. God allows people to marry wrong people, and have offspring, who are cursed for life.

[Julogden]

You need to just walk away from your dad. He has proven time and time again that he is not deserving of your respect or love, let alone help. There's nothing wrong with doing that. He's a miserable excuse for a human being and he wants you to be as miserable as he is. Walk away from all those people who treat you badly, they are not family anymore, they've proved it to you, repeatedly.

God has nothing to do with any of this. Save yourself and disown the whole bunch of them.

Carol

[JenniferR771]

Don't let him manipulate you. Avoid the guilt trip and accusations. He is most likely the cause of his own problems. If he doesn't want personal assistance, fine, live a few miles away--like about 500. He can hire a nurse to come in every day--sounds like that is what he needs. And there is a good chance--she will be smarter than him. They have heard it all before. He needs and deserves a no-nonsense type.

[LeannL]

Alice,

You did not get to choose your parents so you are stuck with your father. Loyalty, however, only goes so far. If he says that he never wanted you, then you should not feel a need to be loyal to that person who feels no loyalty to you. At this point in your life, your well being must be your first priority. Listen to your therapist.

Please make plans to put your father in a nursing home. He may not want it but if he can't take care of himself, then he needs to be in one. Give him no choice in the matter. it is the only way to make sure he is cared for and for you to gain you life back. If you are concerned about your own choice to exit, your father will end up in the home. So take the better choice, give your father the inevitable outcome for him, the nursing home, and take the best choice for you, moving on. It is hard to make the choice to put a parent in a nursing home (I know, I have had to) but as soon as you do it, you will feel the relief and know that you did the right thing.

Leann

[Barbara Ella]

Alice, your father has torn the family bond totally apart, and you are no longer beholding to him, regardless of what he says. If he desires care, let him get it, or you arrange for him to be cared for by strangers. He deserves nothing from you. I know your problems, and can only hope you realize you are a free person, and your emotional ties have been stretched to breaking.

Sweetheart, you have suffered plenty enough at the hands of your family. PM me if you want to chat, but I really hope you can break the family ties that are binding you. I know you are torn here, but please put your well being ahead of theirs. You have been a loyal child all these years, now it is your time.

Hugs, Barbara

[Kate Simmons]

Alice, you need to be yourself. If you cannot be, then he has won. If he is the person you say he is, he deserves no loyalty from you. If you arrange for someone else to care for him and walk away, someday he may actually appreciate how you sacrificed most of your life for caring for a miserable person who created his own misery. For your own sake you need to leave Hon.I wish you well.:hugs::)

[kimdl93]

Alice, it is your life to live as you choose. If the life experiences with your family are weighing you down, leave them behind and start a new life someplace beyond their reach. Even as a mature person, you can make a new start. Please try. It's a far better option than just giving up.

[linda allen]

Alice, I think you need more help than what you can get on a web forum. There must be a social agency in your area that can help. Please get some real, in person help before you harm yourself.

[bridgetta]

Strength come. Respect yourself. You are your first reponsibilty. The mind is a confusing place. Just stay away from them Disappear.


Smile. Imagine if u decided to be and do the choices that will give you a healthy life. Eat fruit and vegetables.

[Alice Torn]

It is my control freak older brothers , as much as my father. Twin monsters. Older sister from hell, too. All wolves in sheeps clothing, passive aggressive, don't respect a word i say. I am still stupid baby of the sick family . It is not just dysfunnctional, it is crazymaking, cursed, and toxic, phoney, fakeing love. I am staying away fro there, after emailing a strong letter to my brother, who got out of prison three months ago.

[sterling12]

Alice we have been privy to a lot of your travail for several years. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT! No doubt, your Family is dysfunctional! The White Supremacists, The Felons doing hard time for Hate Crimes. Your Old Man, who apparently only returns hate and torture, when given love and support, and who created all this poison to begin with.

But, you tell me? Are you A masochist? WHY do you continue to play their game? You do understand the simplest fix for The Problem? RETIRE from The Game? If you don't "play" they don't have that needed Victim! Now after all these years, you should know this stuff. If you continue to participate, then you should rightfully begin to examine your own behavior's and motive's.

Simplest Fix, for Right Here, and Right Now? Move your Ass out of The Area, break contact, make a new life and don't look back. Pretend your an Orphan, they all died in a plane crash, and you are alone! If you think Family is The Only Thing and Everything, consider The Idea that you have been placed in A Cage with a dangerous, wild, animal(s). Your number 1 priority would be to exit that cage, correct? Treat that Family Situation the same way. Much like that Wild Animal, they can kill you!

This is all opinion on my part. Maybe you don't want to consider a Fix? Maybe you just want to "Vent," and be dramatic? But, consider that if this is The Case. It gets Old! people get tired of trying to help with nothing being done. Then, if people shun you and "don't want to hear it anymore," you should certainly understand why they Turn Away.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Amanda22]

You didn't ask for my opinion (not directly), but I'll advise you to leave the family behind. I don't believe you're obligated to be their piñata. Think of it as a boundary; they can get back in your life if they bring respect and civility. Otherwise, you're moving on. Can you do that? If not, then you continue to grant your family power over you and will reap more of the same abuse. I strongly hope you live your life for yourself. It's your life. Make the best of it. Don't waste it on the undeserving, OK?

[Anita_2]

You did not get to choose your parents but if you give financial help for your father to go in a nursing home (better position) I think you are OK whatever he says he is not on the street and you can visit him a few times in mounth. Also life is nice only you must walk trough few bad days periodical and now are your bad days but after raining comes rainbow, wait for rainbow. We are living in specific time of civilization where lot of man has lost idea about where is his position in new world of women domination, so they can not accept situation as is and as temporal but they ask to go back 120 years where they are a head of family that is reason why they are agressiv in asking you to be a he man and accept obligation. Also a lot of women are not sure where is his position with this he man, so everybody is tray to find something. You have found yourself (what makes you happy) so go on bad days will pass. Apologize for bad english.

[LilSissyStevie]

Like other have said, you have to get away from them. Run! It's time to panic! Run! Run! Run as if you life depended upon it (it apparently does.) And don't look back. Also realize that while much of the psychological damage can be repaired (if you get away) some things can't be fixed - like a leg that has been cut off won't grow back. You just have to accept that part and work with it. I'm sure that my bizarro family had a lot to do with my being an oddball, weirdo, loner, misfit, outcast... but I'm rather enjoying it now that "they" no longer have any power over me.

[Stephanie47]

Alice, it is time for YOU to take a road trip. Sometimes it is not worth further effort to change the environment you are in. I see you're 59, which is young enough for you to start over. As to your father's care, explain your situation to a social service organization and his doctors. As to your own therapy, you can ask for a referral to another VA facility in a saner environment.

[Shelly Preston]

Alice

I am sorry to read you are having so much trouble with the family. They are controlling you but lets step back for a moment and think. what would the do if by some administrative error you suddenly found yourself drafted and posted to a base far from home. They would have no choice but to deal with the situation without you. Its only then they will realise your true value as a caring individual. I know its hard to walk away from manipulation of this type. This seems to be the best solution for your own health. If you are all stressed out you will find it even more diffiicult to help them.

:hugs:

[Nicole Brown]

Hi Alice,
As I have grown older, and hopefully a little wiser, I have discovered that I cannot control anyone except myself. I cannot control their actions, I cannot control their motives and I certainly cannot control their thoughts, nor the words they speak. I have faced a situation similar to the one you now face during my life which forced me to take an action that I never thought myself capable of being able to take.
I walked away from my parents and my younger sibling because of their actions and the affects those actions had on me. For the first time in my life, I was faced with thinking of myself and what was best for me instead of what was best for others. Without going into the details, this is your situation not mine, I had to make a choice quite similar to the one you now have to make.
I encourage you to think of yourself and not of family members who are self centered and only caring of themselves. Please discuss your situation with your therapist, you really need to focus on what is best for you.
Please PM me if you want to discuss this further or if you feel I can assist.
Nicole

[Julie1123]

I too will advise you to walk away.

I had to do this with my own father a few years ago. I will not lie to you, it won't be great. You will feel guilty at times, you will question whether or not you did the right thing. But you need to take care of yourself.

*hugs*

[Nicole Erin]

YOu can just walk out on him. He is not your responsibility. Let your ex-con brother deal with him, well at least until he ends up back in prison or shacks up with some desperate woman he meets in a bar. At that point just get ahold of social service and let them know the situation. You don't have to tell them who YOU are, just stay anonymous regardless of their idle threats. They go in, pack your dad away for the holding house of the soon-to-be dead, problem solved.

The only people we are legally obligated to take care of are our children who are under 18 (age varies by state) but some 91 year old SOB can go rot in a nursing home.

I am guessing this guy is barely mobile. You on the other hand are a large healthy person. What is he gonna do? Take you out behind the shed?

You need to concentrate on your friends (or making some connections, it takes work though) and QUIT wasting time and energy on ingrates. They are ruining your life. You are too damned old to be concerned with the negativity of your parents, G.D. it. You are old enough to be MY parent and as for my own step-parents, I severed contact cause they are not AS abusive but are PITAs still.

[Alice Torn]

Thanks much to all of you caring people. I will have to talk to his doctor, and my therapist, and many others here, and elswhere, or else i could end my tortured life. Thank you all !

[Kate Simmons]

Just remember Alice you are our friend and we need you here. I always love your observations and posts. Personally, I'm beginning insulin therapy for diabetes. Kind of a nusiance for me as I hate being tied down to a game of chemistry balance. I almost left here 7 years ago but was told during a near death experience to go back as I was needed by others. I reluctantly obeyed but have realized the number of people whose lives I have touched in a positive way since is tremendous and that is the reason I'm still hanging here. Sometimes we never know just how much we help others but there is always a reason for everything. Be well my friend.:)

[Brenda79135]

You do not have to take any abuse from these people. They are playing form the bullies playbook and your are playing from the civilized persons playbook. That is what caused your mothers demise. If you are going to stay around these people you need to aleast read their playbook. There is plenty of information around about bullies and their insecurities and how to deal with them. Once you have read their playbook, you can use it against them.

[Alice Torn]

After a small breakdown, last week, and being away from my dad and brother, for six days, i stopped there for about 40 minutes. Then, i know i had to leave again. There is no doubt none of them respect a word i say, even if they act. I am getting my will made soon, as I don't ever feel very well, anymore. Everything goes to charity, but the cats. I have had a lot of issues, besides cding, and life would be simpler without it, if i was strong enough, and empowered enough to quit. Things are emotional hell, but, , like most wars, and troubles, this too shall pass, whether it kills me, or i endure beyond it. It is an insane, joyless family, and i thought 2000 miles and 28 yrs, would put the crap behind me. It is a sick family like the Energizer zBunny.

[DonnaT]

Do you read what you write, Alice? What would you tell someone else in your situation? Surely you wouldn't suggest they commit suicide!?

Hopefully, like many have suggested, you'd tell that person to get away and stay away from their toxic family.

The same goes for you.

You deserve a better life, not death. You don't owe anyone, not even family, so much of yourself that you can't be happy.

Walk away from them, not from yourself.

[CandyDarling]

Family bondage is a "Trauma Bond" Harder to break than a heroin addivtion. Try this:
This prayer only has to be said once, and it cuts all generational bondage forward and backwards through the bloodline - so that the one saying it actually becomes a healer for the entire family! This is the prayer:

"Spirt Supreme - I ask that any generational bondage such as all that is known, that which is stated here (state bondage-such as depression, passive agressive conduct - etc. etc) and all that is unknown as well, going backward and forward throughout time, be made null and void through the Power and love of the holy spirit that gides me - quietly and secretly in my heart."

[Maria 60]

I know where your coming from,all my life listening to a negative mother, never good enough. Every Friday I get off early and go visit my mom and every Friday she has something negative to say. I didn't see it until my wife brought it to my attention. So I can't change my mom but I could change myself, and that's what I did. Now when she talks it's in one ear and out the other, I am more head strong now and my sister I only see her when I have to. A few years back I was going though some financial problems and I was starting to get depressed. My father god rest is soul pulled me a side and told me, don't start going to the doctor and start taking depression pills you are young and healthy and your family needs you, so try to get it together and stay focused and you can get through this. His best words were LIFE IS A GIFT and your healthy and only you can control it. It doesn't control you, you don't like something just change it, you can't change the past but only you can change tomorrow, and only look at the past to make sure you don't make the same mistake. I don't know you but just you belonging to this site I consider you a friend and it hurts to see a friend going through what you are going through. Just stay focused and try to change to make your life liveable. I hope to hear from you soon on a happier note.

[SANDRA MICHELLE]

Walk away Alice, life is way too short to let someone elses problems bring you despair. Yes even if it is your father!!!! It appears that you have plenty of siblings that can take up the slack of your departure so go, get out of that toxic environment. I hope you can hang in there and make a break for your own sanity, fly away, fly away!!!

[AmandaM]

Sometimes you just have to let go of family. It sounds like these people are so evil that it's better to just keep away. Far away. Sometimes family is just no good. This doesn't mean you are no good. And it isn't God's fault. It's THEIR fault. Stay away, find friends, learn to be happy. You know you want it deep inside. And I know you can do it. :)

[Marleena]

After a small breakdown, last week, and being away from my dad and brother, for six days, i stopped there for about 40 minutes. Then, i know i had to leave again. There is no doubt none of them respect a word i say, even if they act. I am getting my will made soon, as I don't ever feel very well, anymore. Everything goes to charity, but the cats. I have had a lot of issues, besides cding, and life would be simpler without it, if i was strong enough, and empowered enough to quit. Things are emotional hell, but, , like most wars, and troubles, this too shall pass, whether it kills me, or i endure beyond it. It is an insane, joyless family, and i thought 2000 miles and 28 yrs, would put the crap behind me. It is a sick family like the Energizer zBunny.

You know what a therapist would tell you don't you Alice? You already know what to do as far as your family is concerned.:)

[Lillyasia]

I'm so sorry to hear you feeling so depressed. I will echo what has already been said and that is to get away from the family, but that must be extremely difficult.

You have to ask yourself what kind of parent wants to impart the misery of their life on their children. If he favors the other two sons, why doesn't he want them taking care of him in his old age?

I'm glad you have a therapist to talk to. I wish you peace and happiness.

[ReineD]

Alice, honestly I think that you'll eventually make the right decisions for you, whether you choose to walk away from your family, or stay on to help your father.

What concerns me though is your level of distress over all of this. None of us can change others, not even dysfunctional family members, no matter how much they've hurt us. So it's our job to find a way to DETACH emotionally from them, whether they are still in our lives or not. In other words, you need to find a way to NOT let them get under your skin like this (no matter how vile they are), for your own happiness and sanity. And detaching doesn't mean ignoring or walking away, although it can if you choose to do this ... it rather means insulating your inner core from their toxicity. Think of it as learning to put up an invisible shield around you, that will prevent everything they throw at you from penetrating and stabbing you.

There are several ways to learn how to detach from people (not let them drive you nuts, even if you live 2,000 miles away). One way is to talk to a therapist about this, just to learn how to detach effectively. Another way (and I hesitate to mention it here since it's a 12-Step program), is Codependents Anonymous. It's free. I went to CoDA meetings for years and believe me, they were very beneficial in helping me learn the difference between what were MY responsibilities in inter-personal relationships, vs. the responsibilities of others.

http://www.coda.org/

Don't be put off by the whole 12-Step thing. It's not some sort of crazy cult and it can show you how to get rid of all the anger/hurt you feel inside. And when that's gone, you'll feel a lot better.