a question for all. cdks fab gg's ts

[jackie k]

I recently reveiled jackie to the whole family. I don't dress any more frequently, just now I don't have to hide anymore. My question is, in my never ending quest to become more feminine, is it possible that I become a threat to my wifes femininity? I've seen no signs yet, I just don't want to go that far. I got to thinking, if the shoe was on the other foot and my wife was the dresser. How would I feel if she sometimes appeared to be more masculine than me? I'm not sure of the answer

[Kate Simmons]

It depends on the person really. How self assured they are, etc. My wife said she could not compete with my femme self, so never accepted it. As far as women being assertive and getting in touch with their guy side, I have absolutely no problem with it. I've always felt that part of our goals in life, male or female should be to become full spectrum people feelings wise.:)

[Ann Thomas]

It comes down to why you dress, and how your wife might perceive this, and that of course is based on how you've expressed it to her.

I have that conflict with my wife, and it's a huge problem. She views my dressing as a threat to her femininity. It's been a long growing process for me and it's taken me years of soul searching to realize it's for myself and my need to feel whole and complete that way. But, in my earlier years of dressing I said things that stuck in her mind and it created friction that's lasted a long time. And those things I said may have felt true at the time, but really were not.

It also comes from how secure a woman feels in the relationship. If she feels you're going to dump her for a man, she's not going to feel secure, so she may think that stopping the crossdressing any way she can might help hold her life together. That's what my wife did and it's made it far worse, by forcing me away from her, as I feel she's rejecting a part of me that will not go away. I might as well be chopping off my arms, and I won't allow that either - who would?

It can also come from her insecurity about herself. Maybe she's not gotten enough of the right kind of attention (the kind *she* wants - not something you've made up in your head) over the years from you or from others before you. Maybe even not enough of the right kind of attention from her dad. She may not even know what it is she's seeking. No one person may ever be able to fill that need, either.

Lots of things to consider. Hope it works well for you!

Hugs,
Ann

[AllieSF]

What the others have said plus, many times one may mistake their dressing as a threat to their wife's or SO's femininity where in reality is that the CD just pushed that acceptance/tolerance envelope too far too quickly. As we read here all the time, many CD's have dealt with their situation all their lives, where an SO only starts dealing with it when the first find out, which may be ten's of years after the CD started. Patience and going slowly really help, I would think. God luck.

[ReineD]

My question is, in my never ending quest to become more feminine, is it possible that I become a threat to my wifes femininity?

We GGs do not feel less feminine when our partners dress. We know that we are women and we have female body parts, we think like women, act like women, and nothing can ever diminish this. Having a husband who CDs does not change who we are, since we do not know any other way to be than ourselves. Also, we know that we can always choose to adorn ourselves in any way that we please, just like our husbands. lol We can also wear makeup, get a nice outfit, and do our hair whenever we want to. :)

When GGs say they feel threatened, IMO they mean that they fear no longer being "the" central woman in their husbands' lives. They may feel threatened over the time their partners spend on themselves: the grooming, or the shopping, the internet activity, the thinking about it, the planning, etc. They feel as if their husbands' femme persona is like a separate woman who is competing with the wife for the husband's attention. They subconsciously compare a non-CDing husband who would want to buy something pretty for his wife, to their CDing husbands who prefer the pretty things for themselves. So they feel left out, as if their own places as "the" women in their hetero relationships has been usurped. It can take awhile for a GG to realize this. It can also take a while for some GGs to realize that her husband and his femme persona are one and the same person.

Also, some GGs have poor body images. They may not like their weight, the size of their breasts, their height, various facial features, etc. And any GG who feels bad about her own body will feel a pang when she compares herself to another woman that HER HUSBAND admires, especially if she believes that the woman her husband seems infatuated with is himself while he is dressed. THIS is the fundamental source of "feeling threatened". IMO



It also comes from how secure a woman feels in the relationship. If she feels you're going to dump her for a man, she's not going to feel secure, so she may think that stopping the crossdressing any way she can might help hold her life together.

That too. I forgot about that. If her husband is into dressing in a way that the wife would dress in order to attract a man, or if he uploads pics of himself seeking admiration from men and other TGs, the wife will feel as if her husband is looking for thrills outside of their relationship. Few GGs understand the fundamental reasons for the CDing. Heck, even a lot of CDers don't understand their fundamental motives. :p

Add to this any relationship insecurities that come from other issues in their marriage unrelated to the CDing, and it just makes it worse.

[Inna]

Beautifully and directly verbalized!
And just to add to the above, as a woman and transsexual survivor my self, I have come upon many in trans community. I headed the class on Feminine Poise and was active in the TG support group. Out of many tens of girls whom I have met I might have run into 2, post transition Transsexual survivors who exuded femininity which may had be threatening to a GG with low self esteem. And so dressing and all the acts of portrayal of woman's image do not convey to the threatening presence to a natal female at all, however all the points Reine had mentioned, very well may!

[Cheryl T]

My wife brought that up when I first came out to her. I assured her that I was not in any way competing with her, compensating for anything she feels she lacks or anything of the sort. Her response is that it was natural for women to compete with each other and that it was something that they did from day one...clothing, boys, etc.

She finally came to understand that it's in no way related to her as it's been part of me from when I was little. If you see signs that she feels that way then TALK about it. Make sure she realizes that this is about you and not about her.

[ReineD]

Her response is that it was natural for women to compete with each other and that it was something that they did from day one...clothing, boys, etc.

Not clothing so much, because there's more than enough to go around, :) but certainly young women compete for men. This goes away though, when they are in stable, secure relationships, when these women don't want anyone else nor do they feel that their husbands want others too. If a wife and husband are at a party full of beautiful women, and the wife knows that she is the apple of her husband's eye, she will not feel as if she has to compete with the other women for him.

There really are A lOT of women who do not feel threatened by other women, no matter the stereotypes.

[Anna B]

Reine, than you for your insight into this. I understand better now!

Hugs

Anna x

[Stephenie S]

You know? I think women can put up with a lot.

Should they have to? What do you think?

I can say that women like attention. If you can keep up you responsibilities in the bed room, it goes a long way towards making us feel wanted.

Stephie

[Tracii G]

Reine you never cease to amaze me. :love:
You get it, and express it very well in words.
You need to write a book for GG's with CD husbands/BF's.
Oh yeah do a book signing at my Barne's and Noble I want a signed copy and a huge hug!!:)

[ReineD]

Aw, thanks for the cudos, but it's not me. I'm just putting in one place what I've gleaned from the GGs in this forum over the years. It is their voices you are hearing, not just mine.


You know? I think women can put up with a lot.

Should they have to? What do you think?

I can say that women like attention. If you can keep up you responsibilities in the bed room, it goes a long way towards making us feel wanted.


It takes a lot more than a quick roll in the hay for a woman to feel loved.

Fundamentally, we only just want to be in relationships with partners who are as much into us, as we are into them. We place a great deal of importance on intimacy and emotional connection and we feel sad when we see our husband's focus or energy directed away from us or our relationships. Not every CDer will do this, of course, but certainly, it is difficult for a wife if her husband is in a pink fog. I remember feeling at times, at the beginning of my own relationship, that it wouldn't matter to my SO if I wasn't there even if it was not his intention to give me that impression. This is what makes the CDing so hard to understand for some wives. It feels as if their husbands' focus is channelled elsewhere.

I think that any husband would feel the same way if his wife's attention was directed elsewhere all of a sudden, to the same degree that many CDer's become focused on the CDing. It takes a stable relationship, with each partner feeling secure in themselves and in their relationship, to navigate the CDing until both partners finally understand what it is all about .... (assuming there is no moral or religious objection to it, but this is an entirely different topic).

[Ashley D.]

I have never thought of that being a problem but I will have to talk with my wife about that. She is a tomboy so I am more feminine then her much of the time.

[Wildaboutheels]

Many women today simply cannot ignore the rampant advertising of TV, internet, billbords and magazines with heavily airbrushed or "doctored" images of women and so, will never in their own mind, be pretty enough. Many don't seem to realize it takes a lot more than good looks or wearing size 3 clothes to make a woman attractive. Presentation, confidence and attitude matter every bit as much as clothing items IMO, whether talking femine or masculine presentation.

Many women are extremely critical/concerned about their weight even when they should not be. It's easy to guess that women whose SOs are more "slender" than themselves might feel the biggest "threats" from CDing SOs even if they know they are not competing with them in any fashion.

[Sallee]

Reine How bout the "love of his life" I guess "apple of the eye" is a good word but If I am at a party with lots of beautiful women I will be looking and enjoying the eye candy but I wont be tasting any of it. I don't think my wife minds that Hope not any way

[Mimi]

I think problems can arise when the CDing spouse has very different taste in clothes from the wife or gf. If the CD spouse is sensitive and understanding, then there is respect for wife's desire to dress in, for example, jeans and sneakers rather than heels and a skirt. If the CD spouse isn't as sensitive, sometimes there is a feeling of "since you won't take advantage of the opportunity to dress like a woman, then I will", even if it isn't blatantly stated like that. It can even be as subtle as a comment like "of course YOU wouldn't want to wear that" with a condescending tone. The wife or gf doesn't necessarily feel threatened, but she does feel judged.

[Brianna612]

Unfortunately for far too many of us, our SO or Wife find out about our CDing after they have put their whole being into the relationship, sometimes kids are involved. I know that my X said that she would not compete with another woman for me. No matter how unreal that sounded to me it was very real for her.

I told my SO early in our relationship so she knew who I was (didn’t want to make the same mistake twice). We have been together for 13 years now, I Love her very much. This may sound contradictory to being a CD but if my SO told me about the man in her at this point of our relationship I would have a hard time with that. I Love her just the way she is. I know that we would work it out because I would want her to be as happy as I am. I know that she wouldn’t be happy unless she could be who she is. If I wasn’t a CD I don’t know if I would have that kind of understanding.

Tread lightly, keep the lines of communication open, respect her opinion and treat her right. It is great when your SO can accept you the way you are. Sometimes that takes time. The wait will be worth it.

[ReineD]

Reine How bout the "love of his life" I guess "apple of the eye" is a good word but If I am at a party with lots of beautiful women I will be looking and enjoying the eye candy but I wont be tasting any of it. I don't think my wife minds that Hope not any way

My point was that if a woman feels secure in her relationship, no matter the dynamics between her and her husband, she will not be jealous of other women. I'm guessing that your wife knows in the deepest part of her soul that you are devoted to her and you will not stray, hence there is no problem.

[sometimes_miss]

What I'm going to write here is quite rare. But being 'in the closet', I get to hear stuff that openly CD guys won't. Over the years, I've heard more than one woman remark that particular drag queens, or other entertainers, or even simply MtF TS that look prettier than she does herself, and a few were quite upset about it. As I mentioned, that will be quite rare, simply because most of us can only hope to aspire to appear good as an average women does, on our best days, in the correct lighting, and at the right, well, distance. However, if you're one of those guys who can manage to doll yourself up to look like a 9, and your SO is only an 8 on her best days, I could understand how she might feel a little upset.

But me? My ex (and a couple of other girlfriends in my life) were much better athletes than I was. One had a brown belt in karate (I hate to fight). Another was much better at tennis than I was. When I married, my wife was already ahead of me career wise, and I only made up for it by working harder and more hours so we could buy a house. Did it bother me? No. Did it bother them? Maybe. I know that crossdressing was the major issue in my divorce.

[jackie k]

Thank you all for your insight. My wife is wonderful. We are kindred spirits and I never wanted to cross that line. She knows about this forum and trying to become a member. I talked to her last night and I'm good. I do know she has an issue with her appearence "weight", and how others have treated her in the past. And i don't want to be the cause of anymore pain. We do have one issue, but its of a sexuall nature. I don't know if this is the proper forum to discuss things like that.
And reine, I'm glad you don't live next door. You would get so sick of being my personal therapist. Lol.

[ReineD]

We do have one issue, but its of a sexuall nature. I don't know if this is the proper forum to discuss things like that.


Without getting into details, I just want to say that it is HUGELY important for you and your wife to discuss the source of sexual issues in depth. Please do not sweep whatever is happening under the carpet, since doing this is fertile ground for allowing misconceptions to build up, especially if the problem has to do with perceived libido issues. Go online and read about the issues, talk to docs together, discuss it at length between yourselves until you both have the same understanding of what is happening. And then, both of you should be equally involved in finding solutions that are mutually beneficial. :)