I told my wife and.....

[antonia_bee]

.. I finally plucked up the courage and told my wife. I wrote her a letter but she could only read the first part before she burst into tears. I was heartbroken! What had I done...

We talked it over and I answered all the usual questions with my wife going through waves of partial acceptance and anger. Angry that I had burdened her and deceived her, but was actually fine with what I did. she didn't mind that I dressed but hadn't suspected at all. She was most worried about if it would lead to anything more, or that I would leave her. I guess there are something's I can't answer 100% but I tried as best I could. She was also worried about how our sex life would now be, and whether she would still find me attractive.

It was a very long night, and I'm not sure she got much sleep. But she was intrigued by what sort of clothes I had but was adamant she didn't want any part of it. I know I just need to give her time, be honest, and show her how much I love her. I am confident that we can improve as a couple, but recognise the long road ahead..

Thanks to the girls who advised me, I couldn't have done it without you!

Antonia x

[Beverley Sims]

Antonia, keep with love and understanding.
Go very slow as acceptance can take a long time.

[Karren H]

Sound so familiar ..... but just because your confident doesn't even factor into the equation... the balls in her court.... You have in effect sucked her into your closet.... for us it was more a lack of trust going forward.... that by far has been the hardest thing to over come... I'm at reveal + 7 years and no closer to getting back the trust....

[Aloha Jayne]

Antonia, you took a very brave step, and risky one as well. But one that needed to be done. I went down this same road in March of this year, my wife cried for 3 months. Good luck, and go slow. You've had an entire lifetime to process this, and it is all new to her. Right now she doesn't really understand or know how she feels, and it will change with time. Hopefully for the better.

[GinaM]

I will take this secret to the grave unless I ever get caught.

[Karren H]

I will take this secret to the grave.........

That's what I thought.... at least now if there is one and I go there.... hell it will seem like a resort! lol.

[Janet77]

I will take this secret to the grave unless I ever get caught.
That is exactly how I feel.

[Sarah Doepner]

Antonia, someone else already posted the key to the next step and that is remembering that it's taken you years of small steps to get to where you are and she has only been aware of the whole package for a few hours. It's a big elephant to eat in one bite and she will need time and you need to remain patient and honest and in love with her. Good luck to the both of you.

[suchacutie]

Congratulations. Now I hope that your wife views your difficult revelation in the light of the difficulty you had in it's revelation.

There are so many details here, but I think it's important for her to remember that you didn't change because of your revelation. You are still you. My wife and I treat Tina as a separate person, so there is really nothing in our spousal relationship that has changed. We've just added another relationship!

I hope that might be helpful. Also, if she needs some support, there is the FAB section of this forum where she can talk about anything she might be interested in.

Best wishes!

[Sami]

You are very brave and I wish you all the luck in the world I need to come clean also at some point soon but not to sure how or when or even if I should I hate the thought of maybe losing everything but I also hate having this secret that said I love what I do and could never stop

[Barbara Ella]

Antonia, my congratulations for doing this. At the same time, me condolences for what you have let you and your wife into. I am going through this same situation right now, for the past 9 months since coming out. Regardless of her expressed level of comfort or acceptance, do not think that it is set in rock. there will be many back and forth episodes with progress and regression. I can say that it does look like each cycle moves a little forward toward her peace of mind. Do not push anything you want to do. let her ask the questions or propose things. It is her world that has been hit with a really big hammer. Anything you are asked to do or endure from this point on is miniscule until it gets to the point where you are asked to give up dressing. I dont see that happening with you, but continue to be happy and proceed, just proceed slowly and cautiously. Never stop talking about it.

Barbara

[Wildaboutheels]

BRAVO! She was willing to discuss it. A very good sign.

Only you know what your intentions are from this point forward. WHAT did you hope to gain from telling her?

IF she had no suspicions whatsoever, AND you had a great Relationship before telling her, don't go overboard in trying to win her over on this. Just keep treating her the same way and doing all the same things with her as before you told her. Sounds to me like she is sharp enough to eventually figure out that you are still the same person.

The real question is how will you handle it or take it if she decides to do some research or reading and decides she is still "not comfortable" with it?

The fact that you told her does not mean she must "accept" it, today, tomorrow or ever.

It would be great if "Love conquers all" but it doesn't.

[outhiking]

I will take this secret to the grave unless I ever get caught.

This is how I felt before sharing this with my wife. I think she would rather have not known, but I felt terrible sneaking around and would rather tell her myself than one day get caught which I figured would be even more painful for her.

[Thera Home]

TNT...........sister
Time and Talking......................will be the road. Don't let her go.

Thera

[reb.femme]

Hi Antonia,

As I said in my earlier reply, you and only you could make the decision. These are very early days and things may go from tears to joy and back again in short order. However, the secret is out and now you cannot be caught out. My experience has been good since revelation day, yours could be anywhere along the spectrum from good to pi55 poor. She hasn't left yet and she is discussing, long way to go, so slowly, slowly from here on in. I sincerely hope this goes well for you!

Rebecca

[Amy A]

This is how I felt before sharing this with my wife. I think she would rather have not known, but I felt terrible sneaking around and would rather tell her myself than one day get caught which I figured would be even more painful for her.

This is how I feel at the moment, I'm tussling with the idea of telling my girlfriend of 10 years, simply because I've come to the realisation that I can't live on if I ignore the girl in me, but I hate the idea of lying to my soulmate.

Antonia, all the best for you and your wife. There's a lot of wisdom in the replies here, and I agree that now you've told her, it might be best to act exactly as you did before so she can see that you are the same person, and wait for her to raise the subject again rather than push the topic. You've done an amazingly brave thing, I sincerely hope it all works out for you.

[Thera Home]

This is how I feel at the moment, I'm tussling with the idea of telling my girlfriend of 10 years,

Marry the woman already..............:heehee:


Thera

[NicoleScott]

It would be hard for her to accept "it" because she doesn't know what "it" is (because you don't know either). Keep talking.

[Jessicaa]

Thats great that you finally told her but just take your time and dont push it on her, I am sure that you will both work it out. Good luck!

[heatherdress]

Hard to do but good that you told her. It is also important to keep doing the things that you have been doing, that she expects you to do, that she loves you for doing. Maybe she will accept that she is not losing her spouse.

[Lorileah]

I will take this secret to the grave unless I ever get caught.

So you have to ask yourself one question, if you die what would be worse, having your wife find out you dressed and then having to live with questions like...was he gay? Was he wanting to be a woman? Was it something I did? (didn't do?) Was he some sort of weirdo. Why could he not trust me? What other lies did he keep? Maybe he had a girlfriend I didn't know? (Shall I go on???). Or telling her ahead of time so these questions can be put to rest?

Not telling is easier for you not for those who find out later.

I also like the "unless I get caught...easier to ask forgiveness than permission I guess. Trust does not seem to be a big deal with so many here. From my point of view, I would rather know everything than find out afterward...been there done that and although the pain is less now...it will be there forever.


Antonia, good on you for coming forward. Now you both can work ahead.

[Robinkay]

:iagree:
That is exactly how I feel.

This is were I'm at also

[Michelle (Oz)]

So you have to ask yourself one question, if you die what would be worse, having your wife find out you dressed and then having to live with questions
That's a simple one for me. Another rule my wife has is that I'm not allowed to die before her.

[Diversity]

Good for you, Anonia. You came clean and you must feel like a load has been lifted off your shoulders. I know I did. Just last night, my wife and I talked about this again, and she said that she could deal comfortably with the 'physical' side of things about CD'ing, but she was still having difficulty with the 'emotional' side of things. She also said that the initial shock of my telling her is now 'softening' from her emotional side of things. My wife said that she knows I would just like her to be comfortable seeing me dressed up, but she just can't go there - yet. I see this as a good sign and will remain patient for as long as it takes. She is at least trying to understand me. We are solid in our marriage and family and I know without doubt that she loves me and wants to spend the rest of her life with me, as I do with her.
So, patience, time, and many future open and honest communications will bring the pendulum back to the center, I believe. This is the path I am going to follow and I will respect and honor her wishes about the boundries she sets for this matter. Good luck to you, and thanks for sharing.
Di

[Annie D]

I hope everything works out for you and your wife; just remember that the two of you were in love in the beginning and right up to when you confessed your crossdressing. For all of us who told our wives about being a crossdresser after the marriage vows, I had one thing to say to my wife upon confessing: I have been a crossdresser for ---- years and I love you as deeply now as I did when we exchanged our wedding vows. I was a crossdresser then and I am a crossdresser now. I have not changed nor will I change in the future. The fact that I wear women's clothing doesn't change a thing between us. My love for you is unconditional and no matter what happens in your life, I will always be here for you.

Isn't that what our feelings are whether we wear pants or a dress?

[nikitataylor0210]

All the best and kudos' for making the big step. Been in your shoes and faced the exact same situation with my SO, she has accepted me completely and I love her even more every day that goes by...

[Marie GG]

This is how I felt before sharing this with my wife. I think she would rather have not known, but I felt terrible sneaking around and would rather tell her myself than one day get caught which I figured would be even more painful for her.


I still feel this way a lot of the time with my husband, I do feel special, and important, that he confided in me and I am still trying to work it out, most days it is fine, but others for some unknown reason I wish he'd have just kept it all to himself. Good luck to you. From the wive's perspective it can be a little hard to understand at times, but I try (most days) to be as accepting as I can. If your wife is willing, refer her to the FAB forum, it is nice to have other SO's who understand.

[Stephanie47]

Antonia, be ready to accept the fact your wife may never accept cross dressing. It is her right to reject any any all participation in your cross dressing. It's best to establish boundaries and observe those boundaries, no unilateral modifications. It may take an extended time period for her to come to terms with your revelation.

[Eryn]

Antonia, you've had the first of many conversations to come. Communicating is the most important thing that you can be doing with your spouse. Tell her how you feel but be very sure to listen to how she is feeling. That's the most important thing at the moment.

She's probably feeling very lonely at the moment because she can't talk about this with anyone but you. That isn't fair, but that is the way that it is. After things stabilize a bit you might suggest that she join the forum and make use of the FAB section, where she can interact with other wives without fear.

Others have painted a grim picture of where your marriage might go. Let me tell you that it is equally likely that your relationship with your wife will be closer and happier in the future, particularly if keeping your secret has been causing you emotional distress. I had "the talk" a couple of years ago and my wife and I have a full social life with both our CD and non-CD friends. We've gone places and had experiences that we wouldn't have had except for CDing. We go out with groups of CDers and their spouses and everyone, CDers and spouses, has a good time. The side effect is that the wives have the opportunity to get together and talk about their own feelings without fear of being judged.

One last thing. You've dropped a bombshell. Things are in a state of flux and change. One of the things that can change is your qualities as a husband. Resolve that in exchange for the gauntlet that you're putting her through you will be the best possible husband for her. Take some of the load off of her so that she has time to come to terms with things. It may well come to pass that she'll like the "new you" better than the old!

[antonia_bee]

Thanks for all the messages!!

We have talked a bit and she has told me what she wants to do. She says she can understand why i dress, even if she doesnt want to have any part of it. She has acknowledged that it is something that I have done for ages, and is not related to our relationship. She has declared the matter closed so we won't talk about it again, unless she wants to, and I can dress in secret, as I have, as long as I am honest if anything changes. I can accept that, but hope we can talk agin soon..

I know I have shattered our world and I will take it slowly. I feel more comfortable now that it is out in the open, and that my wife knows about everything. I live my wife and realise the pain and upheaval I have caused, but I hope it will level out as we go through the next stages of our life.

[kimdl93]

Don't be too hard on yourself, this is only earth shattering information if your wife chooses to react that way. Give it time, demonstrate by your actions that you're the same person as ever before and be open to talk if she ever needs to.