Feeling odd

[Jessicaa]

Do any of you Feel odd sometimes about your identities? I am considered a very "Manly man" and i have all the things to go with it...Physically fit, MMA fighter/instructor, Big off road SUV and etc (Not trying to brag about myself).. and lately ive just been feeling a little odd.

IDK how to explain it but when im dressed and i think about my life outside of crossdressing (Or vice-versa) it leaves me feeling a little confused and a tad bit depressed.

Any thoughts? Its happened more often the past few days. Lately ive been thinking about giving it all up but i dont want to...idk im really confused.

[Cynthia Anne]

I know how you feel! I feel the same sometimes! But it might be easier to give up the ''big off road suv'' then to give up dressing!

[Jessicaa]

Yes it would be alot easier but i define myself with the way that i act outside of dressing....Crossdressing is just that little secret that i hide away, if i get rid of all that stuff then all i would have is crossdressing...its kind of a scary thought.

[NathalieX66]

Internally, no......I prefer to dress as as female.

Exernally, it's frustrating. I work in a corporate environment as a guy.

In my life outside work , I often, and typically dress as female.

[Ressie]

Sounds normal. I think many CDs are confused throughout their lives. You can go from feeling like a guy to girl and back to guy again anytime. Isn't everyone odd in some way or another? Don't worry too much about it.

[Tara D. Rose]

I feel the same way. I get so confused as to which way I want to go. If I leave Tara alone for years, I can settle back into a good looking manly man for all the world to see, looked up to by many, and the more I leave Tara alone the more she will slide back into less importance, but she is here though nonetheless. It's very strange in my case in my cross dressing, it's like the more I become Tara, the more I want to be her. Once I'm there, I don't want to leave. It was like this past Memorial weekend, what almost 4 months ago, I was Tara from Friday till Sunday night, at that time I stayed up late, had to go to work the next day. I didn't want to leave Tara behind. Though I got home Monday and went back to being her all that following week.
Right now, I haven't become her for a few months, but I'm going to SCC and will be her as long as I can. I find such comfort in that, my personality blooms and is so outward, friends come so easy, life become so easy, just like snaps of fingers, I feel the power.

[GeminaRenee]

I think it's quite normal. I believe that I sometimes have similar feelings to what you describe. Sometimes I just find it difficult to reconcile those two parts of me. Like you, I have this very many persona - outdoorsy, rough and tumble, etc, etc. And it's not as if this male part of me is not genuine or anything. It IS me. But so is the part of me that likes to get dressed up. And when I'm primarily in one mode or the other, it can be hard to accept the other, or believe that the two can really co-exist in one person. I think part of the problem (for me, anyways), stems from being closeted and trying to compartmentalize these two facets. It's hard for me to se how they could meet, because they're hardly ever allowed to meet. I've been trying to work on it, and I've gotten better about it - I can better see the underlying emotional connection between the two sides. But I think the only way that I could get rid of this conflict would be to somehow drop those barriers entirely. And I just don't know if I'm prepared to do that.

You are definitely not alone though. I often think about this, even though it is quite hard to put words to.

[Lorileah]

If I didn't feel odd I would not feel anything at all. What you are feeling is very common. It is also very confusing. What happens is that you usually learn to either go with it or compartmentalize it. I go with it. In my mind (similar to Natalie) I am always feminine (when I THINK about gender or sexuality). And when I am out and about I feel...well whole and normal and happy and...me. Most of us go through the male stereotype things (I say that because women can do almost anything a man can do but you know what I am saying). Drive too fast, fight too much, be rude and crude, drink too much, take risks that are not really ...sane?

We cannot give you the magic secret ( not until you are sworn in and paid your dues). Ok the magic secret is there is not magic secret. It is what we all do. Work through it, you are normal. Enjoy your life and if it includes being an MMA fighter and wearing soft things...that is YOU baby. be who you are. Life is short, enjoy it all

[heatherdress]

I wonder if you have feelings of guilt, as well as being confused. Seems like you love who you are as a manly man. That's great. But there are reasons, however, that you crossdress and maybe you enjoy crossdressing and that is part of you, too. Your feminine side is a gift. Maybe you should try to simply accept that there is a female part of you that is special and that is not a bad thing but a good thing. You are not doing any bad, or wrong. You do not have to give up anything, except an internal struggle that seems to prevent you from enjoying being the diverse person that you truly are. Maybe a few therapy sessions will help you reconcile your feelings and enable yourself to enjoy the extremes of your personality, your joys, your fun. Maybe you might accept that you are luckier than most men who are simply macho - because you truly are.

[AllieSF]

I have no problems with conflicting feelings. I have accepted myself at this late stage in life, have embraced this new side of me and try harder to avoid worrying than actually worrying about anything. I understand that for many it is very conflicting. In your case, I think that you may have answered your own question when you described yourself as a "very Manly Man". Your SUV, hobbies, MMA, etc. to me could be considered on one of the far ends of the male spectrum. I am definitely somewhere closer to the middle, though still consider myself as a man first and a crossdresser secondly. So, I can understand that it very well may be unsettling to go from one extreme way past the other extreme to want to dress and emulate a female. I can only say try to worry less and enjoy more. In so doing, your attitude may change enough to let you enjoy both sides of yourself with no regrets. That, in my opinion, is the best way to be. Good luck and thanks for asking.

[Beverley Sims]

As your therapist I think it is just a phase you are going through.
As I am not your therapist I suggest you don't give it all up but trade in the SUV for a pink cadillac. :)

[Jill]

I think it's awesome that you're an MMA fighter/instructor. There's this perception that men who crossdress are those who are effeminate and soft. Honestly though, I think those thoughts seem contradictory and so many things in society have typically been predominantly male or female. I don't think it would serve you at all to try and get rid of things that seem to contradict like MMA or off roading. I'm a pretty manly guy myself, I typically love doing stereotypical male things. I love playing basketball, I love watching football and MMA. I don't feel like a walking contradiction, I don't feel like a hypocrite, I have just accepted that it's all a part of who I am. Male or female, who cares? It's what makes me unique and interesting. The same is true for you.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to the gym to lift weights and when I get back home I'm going to take a shower, put on a dress and some sexy pumps.

[Angela Campbell]

All my life I have known I was really a girl. I have been forced by circumstances to live as a man but always felt like I was acting. I only really feel normal as a woman.

[Meghan]

No doubt about it.

I think the hardest thing is when there is a physical disconnect between where I am mentally and what I am doing.

For example, I had to be on the road for over a week a couple of weeks ago doing some pretty intense, physical stuff totally in drab (btw interesting discussion with my college on why my legs were shaved, but that's a different story). However, we were expecting to bring "Meghan" out to a party this last weekend, so I had been growing my nails out, keeping them filed and prepping for the event in the days before I unexpectedly got called out for the job.

So the whole time my nails bugged the bleep out of me because I wasn't used to having them so long doing the work I was doing. When I returned home, though, I loved them being long again (and I didn't chip any nails on the trip, nice)!

That's just an example, but my wife and I are noting some very big differences between male me and "Meghan". How we behave, what we talk about, how well we listen and communicate etc. There are very different personalities living within me, after all I have spent the last 35 years keeping them as separate as I could. Integrating them together is difficult, and I wonder if it's ever going to be completely possible.

I am right there with you. Sometimes it's depressing, sometimes it's exciting. Just depends on set and setting. However, I am glad I have this level of self-awareness to pick up when this is happening so I can appreciate what it is more so than what it isn't at any given time.

Meghan

[Cheryl T]

I know how you feel! I feel the same sometimes! But it might be easier to give up the ''big off road suv'' then to give up dressing!

And doing that would be much better environmentally...that is if you need some reinforcement to go out and spend all that gas money on something pretty...LOL

[Rachel05]

I used to go through that sort of though process years ago before I could say "I am a cross dresser" I wouldn't let myself admit what I was for many years, lots of different reasons for why I did what I did, used to beat myself up for actually enjoying it, then one day, I was in a place I am now, happy to embrace what I am, a cross dresser, and I love it now, I enjoy it for what it is and that is part of me and part of who I am

I tried all the giving up, I won't do it for a while but it made me unhappy and yet dressing makes me happy, so I think it is about finding the you that makes you happy and finding a way to ignore public perceptions, because this is about you and no one else

I am also a manly man, but I love to wear women's clothes and it feels good, driving my fast car feels good too, going to the gym makes me feel good, my dressing is just another facet of me that makes me feel good - but it wasn't always that way for me

[Badtranny]

I am considered a very "Manly man" and i have all the things to go with it...Physically fit, MMA fighter/instructor, Big off road SUV and etc (Not trying to brag about myself).. and lately ive just been feeling a little odd..

Jess you sound like my kind of guy. ;-)

Let me ask you a question, I realize you are closeted, but are you closeted to the extent that you openly mock LGBT folks to throw off suspicion? Or are you secure enough in your masculinity to not give a damn what anybody thinks about your friends? I always say that it takes a strong man to date a girl like me because bigoted people will cast aspersions about your sexuality when they see us together.

Why would a big strong MMA instructor be afraid of what anybody else thinks? When you can finally be secure in who you really are, then you will find yourself becoming more comfortable with the full range of your self expression, private or public.

[Karren H]

I don't feel odd..... although I do feel that everyone else is odd... guess if you redefine your own "normal" it make everyone else abnormal....

[Jessicaa]

Jess you sound like my kind of guy. ;-)

Let me ask you a question, I realize you are closeted, but are you closeted to the extent that you openly mock LGBT folks to throw off suspicion? Or are you secure enough in your masculinity to not give a damn what anybody thinks about your friends? I always say that it takes a strong man to date a girl like me because bigoted people will cast aspersions about your sexuality when they see us together.

Why would a big strong MMA instructor be afraid of what anybody else thinks? When you can finally be secure in who you really are, then you will find yourself becoming more comfortable with the full range of your self expression, private or public.

Just for the record I identify myself as straight, And to answer your question, my policy has always been "Let the King (or Queen) do whatever he/she wants in their own castle" But i dont go around blurting this out to everyone i meet. So no, I do not go around openly mocking the LGBT community, I actually have a few Lesbian and Gay friends that go to the gym I teach at so I am comfortable being around the people who associate themselves with this group. Also, it would be pretty ironic if i did go around mocking LGBT since I am a CD...even though i dont associate myself directly with the LGBT community.

And i guess that i haven't fully accepted myself as a crossdresser yet...I recognize that this part of me is there but im not 100% ok with it yet...I guess some of you guys are right, Ill just have to do some soul searching and let time take its course and maybe ill be fine.

[Barbara Jo]

Most humans are multi faceted and we are maby just a bit more multi faceted than most .

Bottom line, no matter what we are into, we all must like ouselves and realize that everyone on this eath are all uniqie individuals.....just revel in that . :)

[CandyDarling]

Hey Jess. Its just a bitch thats all. At least we have each other to talk to. It is so hard to keep the secret - but I have been warned very seriously by other people like us who know who really know from experience - unless you are comitted to full time and feel that you are transsexual -( which it seems you are not at all) Keep the secret. No one understands this - the Gay community thinks we are nutz and there is a lot of scorn there. The straight community think we are a punch line. And we are.

Just because we feel that the ability to be out there or to share this secret will help us does not have anything to do with the way others ( friends, childresn family ) will re-act to a sudden bout of honesty. It is rarely the freeing thing that we like to imagine from what I understand.

Come here - talk & share - and improve your feminie presentation as if it were a "hobby". You may not have accdepted your self as a crossdresser as you say - and that may always be true to some degree - it is for me and I am an active dresser - have a flickr site - use instagram and engage in the community - I go to maybe 2 or 3 trans events a year = only when its discreet and I can get away - its extremely rare - but the contact with others like us is the only balm I know to quiet that horrible odd feeling. Its OK bro - you are one of us. Like the others in this thred said - don't worry to much about it. UIt will come and it will go and it will come again. ITs OK - be pretty and young and macho and mature. Keep commin' back.

[27th Jennifer]

Threads like this are the reason I keep coming back here. :) Don't worry, Jessicaa, you're not alone in how you feel! Many of us feel the same way about dressing and how it fits into our lives as "manly men".

[ReineD]

IDK how to explain it but when im dressed and i think about my life outside of crossdressing (Or vice-versa) it leaves me feeling a little confused and a tad bit depressed.

You're describing, as another member described today in a different thread, the "pressure of being tossed between two different states of being" and I would add, in a world that only recognizes binary (male or female) gender. This can't be easy.

My SO dealt with this by giving him/herself permission to just go with the flow and enjoy however s/he was presenting at the moment, and not try too hard to figure it all out ... even if sometimes he had to deal with a few things in guy mode first before switching over again. Eventually s/he learned to live with this state of flux quite comfortably, and s/he did construct a life where s/he could be quite elastic with gender presentation. :)

If you expect yourself to fluctuate, it won't come as a surprise and you may even come to enjoy the rhythm ... as long as you focus on what is pleasurable or satisfying to you in whichever mode you're in, rather than what's missing.

[Erica2Sweet]

Finding a way for both sides of you to co-exist harmoniously might be the way to go. That might include setting some time aside to develop and socialize your femme side, and also leave time to do the manly stuff. How you accomplish this is up to you to figure out obviously.

The key is to find healthy ways to express both sides of yourself when its appropriate. Taking charge and being successful at balancing your two sides might start to lessen the feelings of depression, but for me, socializing the femme side was absolutely necessary for me to feel healthy. Recognizing and dealing with the guilt for not being a traditional man was key as well. Third, recognizing that hiding my femme side from my then future SO was not an option was huge when my wife came into my life. Secrets are relationship toxifiers.

Hope I've helped. I wish you all the luck!

[Diversity]

I also am a man's man, but over the years I have come to find an inner peace with my CD'ing. I put the CD'ing on a shelf during the y years I worked with my wife to raise a wonderful family. There were short periods of time (hours only) where the strong urge to dress surfaced and I satisfied this need by finding times and places where I could dress. Now that our children have left the nest, I chose to come out of the closet and tell my wife.
This is my life and I don't find shame in dressing en femme. I find fun and excitement in doing so. I am not confused about my feelings to do this any longer. I am discovering where I want to take it and how far I am comfortable in going with regard to the outside world. I will not jeopardize my marriage for any of this (intentionally), but I will explore and enjoy this part of my life and fulfill the needs of my inner spirit.
We are all human beings with different genetic compositions and souls which have been influenced by other people and life events. So, I say, find peace from within, and enjoy your femme side. I am so glad to be a man's man, with a femme side as well. How lucky are we all in this forum to have such a wonderful opportunity to play and explore? I love it!
Di

[Eddie]

I used to feel this way often. Finding peace with your feminine feelings and accepting yourself for the wonderful person that you are will make things much easier and better. I tried to purge all my girlie things more than once, but I would always return to my nylons and heels. The urge never left me. Try to find your peace and use this site often for fellowship and support. It really helps :)

[Barbara Ella]

Odd? I spent the first 65 years of my life as a male with no thoughts of cross dressing. One year ago this month I put on panties, and the door was open. I now recognize and accept my female presence as the dominant factor in my life. I think feminine now, and am at peace. I find the odd part is why was I forced not to have these experiences to build on for my later years? I do not feel odd now about the cross dressing and its interaction, just that I really don't know as much as i should, and am running fast to catch up.

Barbara

[ReineD]

Odd? I spent the first 65 years of my life as a male with no thoughts of cross dressing.

Barbara, I've heard others say this before too, and not that I disbelieve you, but I don't get it. Are you sure that the thought never, ever entered your mind? Were you like the men who would never contemplate CDing and who shudder in disgust at the thought? Or, did you have an affinity or interest in feminine things without realizing that you wanted to wear them?