Parents and Self-Acceptance

[Foxglove]

Hi, Guys and Girls!

Recently I exchanged a few PM’s with another member (she has to have a name, so I’ll call her “Miss Fabulous”), and this has raised a question in my mind. So I thought I’d see what some of you have to say.

Miss Fabulous has testified that (1) she had wonderful parents, and (2) she never had any problem accepting the fact that she was trans. As for me and my parents, well, let’s just say that I was glad when I was old enough to leave home. What I did leave home with was a serious problem with self-esteem. I had parents who didn’t help me to be self-accepting generally, and I certainly wasn’t self-accepting when it came to my TGism. In fact I was in outright denial for a good bit of my life.

I realize that there may not be a correlation here: good parents won’t necessarily make someone comfortable with their TGism. It sounds a bit simplistic to me. But I thought the question was worth asking. So perhaps I can ask it like this:

Did your parents and upbringing leave you self-accepting generally? If so, did that help you accept your TGism? If not, did that make it harder for you to accept your TGism?

Also, my parents never knew I was TG. I may have been a stupid kid, but I wasn’t stupid enough to tell them. So another question:

Did your parents/siblings know you were TG? If so, were they accepting? And if they were accepting, did that help you become self-accepting? If they knew and weren’t accepting, did that make it harder for you to achieve self-acceptance?

A lot of questions here, I know. Please feel free to answer any of them you like.

Best wishes,
Annabelle

[JenniferR771]

Hazy, dim memories of long ago. They threatened to send me to a psychiatrist, when they found some women's underwear under my mattress, (that is if I couldn't convince them it was a one time thing...due to curiosity.)

[Foxglove]

Hazy, dim memories of long ago. They threatened to send me to a psychiatrist, when they found some women's underwear under my mattress, (that is if I couldn't convince them it was a one time thing...due to curiosity.)

And so did that make it hard for you to achieve self-acceptance in later life?

[kimdl93]

My parents and my siblings in particular were aware that I was "a little different" as a child. I learned fairly quickly that the more feminine side of my personality contributed to teasing and some name calling by my older brothers. I didn't know why or explicitly how I was different, but the message got accross: ACT LIKE A BOY!
So I did. I don't doubt that the lifelong feelings of being not only different, but defective, derived from those early childhood expereinces. It took decades and finally several years of intensive cognitive therapy to get past the self loathing.

That being said, in other respects my parents and siblings were very loving, close and supportive of teach other and remain so to this day. Several of them are aware of my transgenderism, courtesy an angry ex wife, but I haven't been ostracized and I still relate well to all of my family members. At the same time, I make it a point of separating that part of my life from most of my siblings ....kinda a DADT in those relationships.

[KellyJameson]

There seems to be something about a male being feminine that makes many people angry including my parents.

I grew up swimming in a sea of anger and hostility because of the way I was born and how this shaped who I was and am.

I solved the problem by withdrawing into my books and spending time in nature or at the beach, anything that would take me away from people who were going to judge me for things I had no control over.

I could not articulate that I was TG because there was nothing to compare to from my childhood and no one was giving me answers only trying to change me.

Once I reached college age than I had more opportunities to meet others like me but by than I had my defenses firmly in place so would not ask questions or do anything that would bring attention to myself which kept me from living truly.

I spent most of my twenties trying to change myself by forcing myself to be "normal" causing all kinds of heartache for those I entered into relationships with.

I could not form emotional attachments with others, basically I could not love because there was not a "real" person but just a shell of a person going through the motions of living so I was always an actor on stage playing a role.

Self-esteem, confidence,self awareness, ect.. All these aspects were damaged by the failure to live successfully because I did not know how to live truly because I could not articulate what was stopping me from being real (whole, natural)

Being TG is about rejection and failure until you are able to step outside of yourself and see who and what you are, otherwise you keep pounding your head against the wall trying to be what you are not.

[Pythos]

I can pretty much say that yes my parents and siblings knew of my TGism. No they were not accepting. Their unacceptance of it has been a major factor in my self acceptance. When I was first caught trying on a slip, my mom brought me through to dad and they both started calling me "fairy" and "fruitloop". My brother one time caught me while I was putting on a leotard after getting into a pair of sheer black tights. He made fun of me, then told mom. Mom threatened to take me to a "head doctor". Looking back, it may have been good to have let her do that.

Now-a-days, I do have a little more freedom, but not as much as I would like. I can wear leggings and t-shirt around the parental unit, but I cannot wear a skirt, and she has NO IDEA about my clubbing persona, which really sucks cause I think once she got over the shock, she would find what I do, artistic.

On the behavior stand point. I was never considered a "normal" boy. I was much more in tune with the things I later would learn were "feminine" I did not like to destroy things like most of the boys I knew, In war games I was usually the one helping more than "killing". I liked being with girls more than boys, but was not into the super "girly" stuff. I have gotten told that I "throw like a girl" or run like a girl....funny that, cause I could out run anyone, had to learn that skill for evading the bullies. My emotions at times were more "female" I did not strike out often, just usually broke down in tears when I got hurt. "be a man" was a line I got, and I never understood, cause it was usually men or boys that brought on the tears....till later in life when girls became mate potentials.

My build is very skinny, always has been, even when I tried to bulk up, by orders of my dad, I never did, and that I think disappointed him, now I am quite happy with my build, though I would maybe like a firmer stomach.

[suzy1]

In answer to your question about parents affecting how comfortable I am with my crossdressing and always being comfortable with whom I am.

My parents where notable for too very important things which I think affected my upbringing.
One, they were atheists. Sorry to bring religion in here but its one of the things that can affect us in an adverse way on this.
Two, they were realists. They saw the world without blinkers. They were never affected by others and let other peoples opinions cloud there judgment.

So I grew up without any baggage like dressing as a girl is wrong. There is no reason why it IS wrong!

SUZY

[outhiking]

I never told my folks and to my knowledge they never found out about my crossdressing. Ironically, my dad would probably be very accepting, he's pretty laid back. My mother on the other hand, even though she wanted to dress me up once for Halloween, from the comments she made whenever she saw crossdressing on television, I can tell she would be noisily against it.

Still, any hang-ups are due mostly to my own imagination and fears. I never doubted my parents love which is a luxury not all kids have growing up.

[bridget thronton]

I doubt my parents knew I had trans feelings, not sure I did till 5 years ago

[GeminaRenee]

Generally, my upbringing led me to dislike who I was. This is not at all related to CDing. To keep it simple, my parents were always on me about doing better, about needing more from me, about living up to my potential. Sure they told me good things about myself as far as my intelligence, my potential, etc - but all of that was undermined by the fact that I always seemed to be a disappointment. Keep in mind that I didn't really have gender issues as a child. I was happy to be a boy. And when I began to explore Kali, they never had any inkling. Still don't. It took me several years out of the house to repair the damage to some degree, and to feel confident about expressing who I am. This has, in fact, been to Kali's benefit.

These days, I am largely confident with my dressing - with one major but. Because I know that my parents would be absolutely devastated if they were to find out about Kali, I have to keep the muzzle on my femme self more than I might like. Or at least I feel I do. This, I think, leads to some of the compartmentalizing that I experience sometimes that makes it difficult to reconcile both my masculine and feminine selves. In this sense, I think their lack of acceptance of this idea has affecting my journey.

[DonnaT]

Did your parents and upbringing leave you self-accepting generally? If so, did that help you accept your TGism? If not, did that make it harder for you to accept your TGism?

I think my self acceptance was generally based on my being open minded. I wasn't hurting anyone, and generally felt good about myself.

There wasn't any discriminatory remarks in the house, racial, sexual or otherwise. That might have been beneficial as well. Hard to tell, since I'm for same-sex marriage, and I have at least one brother who is against it.

I was caught once with a bra on, but there was no big deal made of it, and while away in the army, someone, probably my mom, found my stash. Nothing was said.

I told my mom a few years ago and she's been accepting, and has gifted be with some fem things like clothes and jewelry.

[Edyta_C]

Well for the first 5 years I was raised as a girl. When my brother was born blind, my parents decided that what they had done was very wrong! Now I had to change. There was alot of anger and confusion because my Mom would have let it go on if she could, but my Dad was really dead set against it. He wasn't real happy about my being a girl while it was happening. So no there was not much acceptance of my confused state. I am still not sure if I was born this way or conditioned into it. I have always felt that my Mom would have loved me more if I had been her daughter. There never was any hint of acceptance after that.

Now since they have passed on, I am exploring where I am on the continuum, i.e CD, TG, or wanting to really be Female. I think I have to remain in the middle, neither fish nor foul.

Hugs Edy

[LilSissyStevie]

My family was pretty messed up and I followed in their footsteps and was pretty messed up too. By the time I hit rock bottom in my early twenties, the idea of "self acceptance" was a trivial concern. I was not a good person so I wasn't "acceptable" by any normal standard. Bad people that have good self esteem are called sociopaths, I think. I had to rebuild my character from the ground up. From the time I was very little, femininity was a place I could go to escape the madness. It was a fantasy world of rainbows, butterflies, flowers and unicorns where I could be pretty and everyone was gentle. I never thought it was the "real me" but I wished it was. I thought the real me was the raging monster that I showed to the world. Fortunately, I was wrong. "She" was the part that was left when the sickness was gone.

[Angela Campbell]

My family never knew and still do not know about this part of me. I had a very nice childhood with loving parents and a wonderful older brother who taught me all about not being a sissy. I had that drilled into me eatrly and regularly. Of course in those times it was the way it was. No one in the early sixties ever heard of a transexual. I knew early I wanted to be a girl and that I was very different from all the boys. I would run away from a fight and was often bullied by the boys inthe neighborhood. I liked to do girl things with the girls I knew, like playing with dolls, pretend games and cooking. I wanted to do ballet but was told sharply that I was not going to do that because some might get the wrong impression.
At last the end of the sixties and the early seventies came and being a bit feminine came into style. It was now ok to wear long hair, wear a bracelet or necklace and even walk or act a little feminine. I thought it was great.
Alas the world is hard and it never lets up. I did learn to act as a "man" and ended getting married (which was ok because I love women) and I had kids ( really good too), but always longed to be a woman. Society demanded I play a role so I got very skilled at it and did what the world wanted me to be. None of this is my parents fault or my families fault. None would be supportive of this but from the times they came from in a small town in the south I wouldn't expect them to.

[Brianna612]

I had this desire for my sister’s clothes. Why were her clothes so different? I just had to try and it felt soo good. My mom caught me wearing my sisters’ panties and blew up. Parents sent me to a therapist to “fix me”. I found out later that I was lucky; he was a good therapist and told my parents that he would help them to understand me. My parents did not see that as fixing me and that was it for therapy. I didn’t get enough therapy to accept myself.

I know that had I continued therapy, life would have been very different. Not necessarily easy but I would have been able to accept myself and be a lot happier. Growing up my mother and I never got along. I tried to kill her once because I hated the yelling and screaming matches we had every day (Not exaggerating). When my CDing came out 25 years later my mom asked me if I thought things would have been different had they continued therapy. I had to tell her not to go there, what is done is done we have to go on from this point. My mother and I get along great now and I thank God for that.

I Love my life now and am grateful that I got to this point of acceptance before I died. I want to live on with my panties on.

[Erica2Sweet]

...I could not form emotional attachments with others, basically I could not love because there was not a "real" person but just a shell of a person going through the motions of living so I was always an actor on stage playing a role.

Self-esteem, confidence,self awareness, ect.. All these aspects were damaged by the failure to live successfully because I did not know how to live truly because I could not articulate what was stopping me from being real (whole, natural)

Being TG is about rejection and failure until you are able to step outside of yourself and see who and what you are, otherwise you keep pounding your head against the wall trying to be what you are not...

I don't think I've ever read a story that so beautifully articulates what I've felt in my past. Thanks for this bit of honesty. I know it will allow me to look inward with some added insight.

With regard to the OP: My parents, for the most part, treated me like an adult during most of my growing up years. So this hands-off approach didn't leave me with much in terms of self-acceptance. I often times felt like I was on my own when it came to more complex emotional stuff. They did, however, try to help when I asked for it and they felt they could.

Neither my parents nor my siblings know I'm transgendered. At this point, sharing this with them is a moot point, as none of us are currently speaking to one another. Its a pretty messy family with little to no hope of reconciliation between all of us.

[Renee_E]

My Father and Stepmother nearly destroyed me mentally. I was never good enough and if i was good at something it was always something unimportant as far as they were concerned. I was so confused when I finally left home I had no idea if I was masculine or feminine, gay or straight. I joined the Marines to avoid the draft and because the "Marine Corps Builds Men!"
I only found out that the men's club would let me in but not really give me full membership. The Marine corps did give me a sense of self assurance and independence. I even came to believe I had it in me to be successful.

Home life would have really been bad if they ever found out I wanted to be a girl!

[Beverley Sims]

My parents thought my actions were dirty and shameful.
I went and had a shower, but that did not work. :)

[lauriep]

A few years ago I was staying at my moms house as I was between homes at the time. My Grandmother also lives with my mom. One day My mom asked me about my crossdressing. My grandmother and her had noticed me wearing jewelery and some makeup lately. She said that she had found my stash several times while in my teen years, but did not want to ask me about it. After my answer, and a long conversation. One evening I decided to totally come out to them.

I walked out of my room completely dressed as Laurie. I spent about 4 hours like that doing dishes, watching tv, and other things.

My mom later told me that she was more accepting, and could live with it. My grandmother was hurt and could not handle it. So I stopped doing it arround them.

[Jennifer in CO]

Dad?...no way. Mom - I've posted before how she found my stash of clothes when I was a teen and put them on my bed...I hid them again...she found them again and put them on my bed...this time cleaned/folded....hid again/found again...this time they're in my drawers and hanging in my closet. In her own way she was saying its OK but I'm pretty sure talking would have gotten less distance as at that time in my life I wouldn't have known what to say. Grand Parents and Aunt (Dad's side) knew - I spent a whole summer with them when I was 14/15 as Jennifer. Grand dad tolerant but loving, Grandma almost too supportive, Aunt created me. When I transitioned in 79/80 they thought it was all because of the med study I was in so no one said anything...including my Dad.

Jenn

[Foxglove]

Thanks to everyone for your replies. There are many good posts here. It's nice to be able to compare notes.

Annabelle