Is there a way to change...?

[nikki626]

Since I was a child I would cross-dress in my mother's clothing. In middle school, I would always think about it even in class. I would constantly think about going home and dressing up. I would always rewind cartoons that had the cross-dressing scenes. Walking through the mall, I would imagine myself in the women's clothes. As I got older, I realized that something was different. I didn't really want to be a female, it was just this part of my brain that would get "turned-on" by seeing passable male's in female clothing, or imagining myself in female clothing. I just turned 20 years old, and I feel very depressed most of the time. I have no sexual attraction to men at all. But when I see a passable (looks like a girl) male, it arouses me. If there was a way to give up these thoughts and feelings, I would give it up in a heartbeat. I feel stress and anxiety after I indulge in these thoughts. Is there anyway I can rid myself of this? I don't want to be aroused by the thought of wearing female clothes, nor do I want to be aroused by seeing other passable males in female clothes. I really can't take it anymore, and I feel very depressed. Any help would be appreciated.

[GeminaRenee]

I certainly would consider seeing a therapist who specializes in gender concerns... while we might be able to give advice, no-one here can give you the kind of help that you necessarily want.

Why beat yourself up over being aroused by passable males? If that's the case, there's nothing wrong with that. It doesn't mean you have to act on it. Just enjoy it... it's fun to be the person that you are!

I really doubt you can 'turn off' your desire to dress. If it was possible, someone would be selling a book about it. And people would be buying it. But rather than resent yourself, why not embrace the things that make you unique? Feeling depressed about it, or loathing yourself isn't going to do you any good. Ever.

You may not want any of these things, but you have them. What you choose to do with them is up to you. Despising what you are is never going to get you anywhere, though. Love yourself.

I really hope you are able to work through some of these things. See a professional, for sure. I don't mean that to be insulting. But I think the best thing for you would be to talk to someone who has an understanding of what people like us go through.

Good luck, and don't be afraid to talk to us on the board. Maybe we can help you embrace the parts of you that you seem to loathe so much...

(:

[Kelli Ca]

I would agree with the above, for me it wasn't the passable males but the clothes they were wearing. I would get turned on by imagining myself as a passable male. Welcome to the forum there is plenty of support here. But yes indeed why question it I gave in and decided I was born with a desire to dress in beautiful clothing. Ive said before, it doesn't seem fair we get a couple of choices in clothes. Is it really any wonder why we would desire to have loose, soft, fitting clothing? Just a thought, again welcome, feel free to pm me any time.

[nikki626]

lolisa: I know exactly what you mean, it's almost as though I wanted to become that male that's passable as a girl. I've been really struggling with this for a long time though. I'm only 20 years old but I feel so guilty about these feelings. I just really don't think I can accept this part of me...

kali:I would see a professional, but I dont really think I have the courage to bring this up to anybody, including a doctor. It's my deepest secret and I highly doubt I would be able to say anything ..

[GeminaRenee]

kali:I would see a professional, but I dont really think I have the courage to bring this up to anybody, including a doctor. It's my deepest secret and I highly doubt I would be able to say anything ..

Well, that's up to you of course. But one thing to keep in mind is that doctors aren't there to judge you. They are there to promote your health. Although, some may certainly be more helpful in this area than others. And there are those out there who specialize in gender-related concerns. Though you feel so much shame and guilt about the feelings you have, discussing this topic with someone like that would really be not much different than discussing flavors of ice cream with an ice cream man. Besides, if you are worried about divulging your secret, remember that all doctors are bound by the Hippocratic Oath. Should one ever violate your privacy, you might still be unhappy - but you'll at least be rich and unhappy.

You know, when I was twenty, I felt pretty guilty about my dressing too. But guilt isn't a very useful emotion if you think about it. Are you hurting someone else by dressing? No. Maybe your mother, for example (I'm just pulling this out of a hat) would be hurt. But she'd be hurt because of something that's in her mind. Ok, I know you feel like you'll never be able to accept this about yourself. But try pondering this: why should it be wrong for you to wear women's clothes? Men's and women's clothes do not exist in nature. There are no immutable laws about what men and women must wear. If you look back through time and cultures, both men and women have worn all of the following: tights, heels, makeup, wigs, skirts, etc... what determines what men or women wear is simply the society surrounding us. Why should you let this particular contemporary understanding that we have of male vs. female clothes make you feel guilty for what you enjoy?

[MicheleCooper]

kali:I would see a professional, but I dont really think I have the courage to bring this up to anybody, including a doctor. It's my deepest secret and I highly doubt I would be able to say anything ..

Old joke: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? None the light bulb will change itself when it is ready.
In honesty you need to find the help to find yourself, but you have to want to understand yourself. Yes there are people who have the same thoughts and they may post but every circumstance is different. When you are ready take that big step and seek professional help you will see things in a different light. They will listen, offer advice, and be there for you and no they are not gonna run to the computer and post on your facebook about your problems.

[sometimes_miss]

<snip> But when I see a passable (looks like a girl) male, it arouses me. <snip>.
Nikki, you're only responding to all the visual clues that attract men to women. Sure, they're not 'really' women, but those guys have adopted, very often to the extremes, all the things that 'real' women do to attract men. Which is why, by the way, women automatically assume that crossdressers must be gay, because what we're doing is designed to attract males to us, and why would we do that, those girls wonder, if we weren't homosexual? To most people, it only makes sense that way.
So don't beat yourself up over experiencing what comes naturally.

[Beverley Sims]

We have all felt like you do.
It is a passing phase that will probably last another twenty years or more.
Do not get depressed about it though get out and find others with like interests.
You are young and there are plenty of places to go and meet others like yourself.
Keep reading the advice given here by others and you will cheer up quickly.
Take a deep breath and go and try some makeup and wear your favourite outfit. :)

[Kimberlyfaye]

Nikki, I would agree you need to talk to someone about it. A gender specialist is best. Also I agree that you are male so you're turned on by visual stimulation. If a male crossdresser is that passable you will find you are turned on. I'm the same. I find alot of the CDers on this forum attractive! And I wouldn't hesitate being with any of them just because they're male. It's the visual stimulation that makes me feel that way.

You've done a good thing signing up here. If you need advice you came to the right place. But only you can decide what you want to do. Hope you feel better soon :)

[ColleenA]

It is a passing phase that will probably last another twenty years or more.

Ouch! So true, but still ... Ouch!
And it lasts until the person finally faces up to and comes to terms with who they are.



... those guys have adopted, very often to the extremes, all the things that 'real' women do to attract men. Which is why, by the way, women automatically assume that crossdressers must be gay, because what we're doing is designed to attract males to us, and why would we do that, those girls wonder, if we weren't homosexual? To most people, it only makes sense that way.

I understand your reasoning, Miss, and think that it is a very good explanation for people's assumptions, but it is also incomplete in implying that women act as they do and dress as they do solely to attract men.

When women get don sexy outfits, makeup, heels, etc., they may have some other intentions as well. One is to outdo or show off among other women - they can be just as competitive in this way as men tend to be. I see this every Friday and Saturday night at the casino/club where I work. Another, though, is simply to present themselves the best they can for the sake of their own self-esteem. After all, who doesn't want to feel some pride in their appearance?

[xdressed]

I'm also 20, nearly 6 months ago I was so consumed with guilt about dressing that it had even rendered my sex life almost non-existent. So I went to see a Doctor to talk about it but was so embarrassed that I ended up making up something completely different which didn't help at all. Shortly after I set up an account on deviantArt with some of the better pictures I had taken of myself, found this site and talked to many people via both sites and now I'm so comfortable with dressing that I'm going out fully dressed up to a comic con in London next month. Joining this site is a very good first step to accepting yourself.

[Dawn cd]

Nikki, if you can't explain yourself verbally to a therapist, simply copy your OP above and hand to him or her. Then simply respond to the therapist's questions. You will find that the wall of shame quickly disappears. It is hiding behind the wall that is making your depressed.

[Eddie]

Hi nikki. You are not alone. My story is much like yours. I was very depressed and I got up the courage to call a therapist. It was a very hard thing to do. The first time is the hardest, but it's all down hill after that. The more you talk about it, the easier it gets. It helped me sooo much:) Just being on this site is a good start for you.
Hang in there. Things will work out.

[Dana3]

Well if there's a "CURE" I for one would surley like to know what it is? Becoming Super Macho ~ Masculine isn't the way. Twenty years plus in the United States Marine Corps didn't cure it! Nor did drinking! Marriage didn't cure it! Marriage with a GG just made it all the more maddening!

Denial didn't work! "Denile" is just another river in Egypt!

Guilt, and self emotional, mental, spiritual, religous self flagulation didn't work?

If I had my "druthers" I really rather not be a cross dresser. BUT I am! That's just the way it is!

Self acceptance is the only way!

[rocketscientist]

Wow, some excellent advice here. As you will no doubt find out, IT ISN'T GOING AWAY! It's just part of who you are. And guess what? There's nothing wrong with it! You might be able to fight it for a few days, a week, a month or even years, but it will never go away completely. It should not be a source of shame or guilt. Remember, you are doing nothing wrong. You're not hurting anyone, including yourself. I think you need to find a way to allow yourself to express this side of yourself. In time you will see just how much your femme side means to you. Always remember that there are others just like you out there and have already wrestled with the same questions and issues you face. You've certainly come to the right place. Oh, BTW, WELCOME! Hope you can find the answers you need here. Hugs,Tonya

[Wildaboutheels]

You are dealing with 2 separate issues so your confusion is understandable. It's also reported quite frequently here.

The attraction to men who can dress and pass as women is the sticky part. Maybe you are simply bisexual which according to MANY sources I have read, is more common than many will admit to. Nothing "wrong" with it any more "wrong" than being born Black or gay. It could be due to a combination of things.

Your other issue is simply a matter of Ignorance. Ignorance is NOT a dirty word. Ignorance IS what accounts for so many here who started out feeling "dirty/guilty/ashamed, etc." Many here either started out that way years ago OR STILL feel it years later. Lack of knowledge.

Men are BORN that "dirty" way. Makes absolutely no sense at all to feel guilty about it. Visually speaking I am talking about. A man's most basic programming is to impregnate as many females as possible. THAT FACT accounts for almost all men's Unconscious, almost overpowering visual "abilities". We are designed by EVOLUTION to be able to "get it up and be ready" at the drop of a hat almost literally. Or a shoe or anything else. Or nothing. Maybe 15 seconds for a younger guy or a minute for an older guy. Our VISION and HOW it affects us [especially our "equipment] is the simplest, easiest, and quickest way that Evolution has come up with to address our programming. Few men will need to see naked women to get it up. Simple body PARTS work equally as well, maybe better. [And this is WHY 99.9 percent of the females out there will NEVER understand. Their vision cannot have the same effect on them simply because THEY are the ones who might get pregnant] Men's VISION is WHY women work so hard to be attractive. MOST don't make that huge effort and spend all that time and money because they want to. They do it because they have to. At least until they land a mate. FACT. The more attractive a woman is, the greater her chances of catching a "good man".

If a typical guy is looking at a Playboy or some other magazine and they were to have a pic of just a woman's legs/heels in a pic, I am willing to bet that very few guys are looking at that pic wondering if those are a guys or girls legs. If body parts are a turn on, they are a turn on, End of story. THIS is why so many men start with heels and/or pantyhose. Just look at the "turnouts" for those kinds of threads.

So many here seem to suffer and feel ashamed for so many years, it's possible if not likely, that at least SOME continue to evolve and eventually go whole hog as a way to cope with their guilt and shame? As in, if I can dress as a woman and pull it off, in public, then I am not crazy for seeing something desirable when I look in MY mirror.

In summary, there IS no reason to feel guilty or ashamed in any way, shape or form. Men are designed that way, and CDing for pleasure is no different than using porn or a a magazine.

[Amy A]

Hi Nikki, and welcome to the forum.

There's already been lots of excellent advice here so I won't repeat it all but I just wanted to show my support and give you a warning based on my experience.

I spent the entirety of my teens and twenties, and the first couple of years of my thirties, trying to bury this part of me. I'd buy clothes, then purge, and the guilt and shame were overwhelming. I tried ignoring it completely and giving up; at one point I even managed to go a year without dressing. But it made me miserable, and I mean REALLY miserable. In company I'm jokey and happy looking, but in truth I'm a mess. I've now decided to try to accept this side of me, and my thoughts of being female, and joined this forum just last week. It's doing me the world of good.

You can PM me or anyone on here for that matter, we're all here if you need us.

Best of wishes

[Marleena]

Nikki, if you can't explain yourself verbally to a therapist, simply copy your OP above and hand to him or her. Then simply respond to the therapist's questions. You will find that the wall of shame quickly disappears. It is hiding behind the wall that is making your depressed.

Great answer, it is really that simple.:) You're young, hormomes are raging and you're a CDer and you need to find a way to live with it.

[heatherdress]

Nikki - In addition to the excellent advice above, I encourage you to stay as busy as possible in activities in your school. Participate. Experience. Seek friends. Be a good friend. Keeping busy is important. You will have less time to worry about who you are and you will have more experiences developing and learning who you are. Many of your feelings are the same as most other 20 year old students. Answers will come.

[Amy A]

Oh forgot to say (people keep interrupting my typing)... I've always experienced the same attraction to very convincing crossdressers and transgendered women. I don't consider myself bisexual, and have never been with a man. It's hard to accept that that's what turns you on, but you are looking at people that look just like women (or in the transgendered cases, are women). I don't know how to explain it, but I've given up to be honest!

[xdressed]

Oh forgot to say (people keep interrupting my typing)... I've always experienced the same attraction to very convincing crossdressers and transgendered women. I don't consider myself bisexual, and have never been with a man. It's hard to accept that that's what turns you on, but you are looking at people that look just like women (or in the transgendered cases, are women). I don't know how to explain it, but I've given up to be honest!

It's the image that is attractive, it's the same thing that would make a man attracted to a photo of a woman. If they pass as an attractive female there's nothing if that's how you see them even though they're men underneath.

[Amy A]

It's the image that is attractive, it's the same thing that would make a man attracted to a photo of a woman. If they pass as an attractive female there's nothing if that's how you see them even though they're men underneath.

I agree with this to a point; It's definitely the image of a stunning female, the hair, the clothes, body shape etc that I think is attractive, but there can be an added element to knowing that the beautiful woman you are looking at is in fact a man. It's not that I'm attracted to men, it's more that sometimes you see how amazing and utterly feminine a man can become, and that becomes a turn on in itself, and let's face it, it doesn't take much to turn you on when you're 20. It's this side of it that's harder to deal with and to explain, and I'm guessing it's this element of it that Nikki is struggling to accept. Nikki if I'm wrong please correct me.

[Aprilrain]

what's wrong with being attracted to a man dressed up like a girl?? I know the standard CD mantra is that your attracted to "femininity" and that is true but you KNOW she has a penis and there is something exciting about that. there is nothing wrong with feeling that way. don't spend half a life time aS I did trying to hide form yourself you will only waste time and drive yourself mad!

[nikki626]

rachel hit it on the dot. "It's not that I'm attracted to men, it's more that sometimes you see how amazing and utterly feminine a man can become, and that becomes a turn on in itself"....gosh it feels really awkward even just saying that :/ I think I have a long way to go before I can love myself for who I am...

[Brianna612]

Join a CD group in your area. Look them up on the internet and call them. Seek a good therapist. You are young and there are so many outlets for CDers these days. I wish I knew about them when I was young. You are on the right track. The sooner you stop fighting it and begin to accept it the happier you will be and you will really be able to Love all of you. Believe me most of us have been right where you are now. Dress, enjoy, undress fell guilty as hell and hate yourself. Round and round it goes until you accept it. The sooner you face your fears the sooner you will really enjoy your life guilt free.

[Diversity]

Hi Nikki,
I would recommend seeing a professional therapist, if you are finding that you are feeling very depressed about these feelings. As another thought - have you thought about the fact that perhaps there is nothing wrong with you, and you are discovering your feminine side? Many of us have gone through this and many of us in this forum are 'man's man' CD'rs, who are coming to or have come to accept this wonderful part of our being. I do not see anything wrong in enjoying our feminine side and am celebrating this discovery. I follow my wife's boundaries, as I would never jeopardize our marriage. However, I totally enjoy being a man, and wouldn't change this part of me. I do, however, enjoy the times when the 'she' in me, surfaces and wants to express herself.
I find it is all fun, and gives me an inner spiritual peace of mind and body. So, I am enjoying this experience and I hope you will come to find your inner peace and spiritual balance. Good luck to you.
Di

[Inna]

Hey hon, the advice of therapy is a sound one, all gender therapists and in fact all therapists work on the patient doctor confidentiality and what ever you share with the doctor remains hidden until you and only you decide otherwise.
Another thing is Gender Specialists will listen to your secret and even though it feels weird and freakish to you, he or she have heard it many times before, and approach it very calmly and respectfully, NO you will not be put on the spot.
However it is extremely important that you choose a gender Specialist with extensive experience to get to the bottom and truthfully, you haven't even scratched the surface.

Guilt you are feeling is your internal subconscious self confronting conscious mind creating enormous friction of contradicting feelings.
The immense subconscious experience is so hidden for our conscious minds that discovering its landscape can be utmost surprising. You have feelings and memories you don't even know the slightest ever happened, but when brought into conscious level, will marvel at how you could have placed it in the subconscious in the first place.

That is how it works, to uncover it though, you need another, you can not be a passenger and a driver at the same time.

Good luck :)