I left home and when I came back..............

[Inna]

These here are personal feelings, true and unbiased!

I am living womans life, especially now, I had been dealt a job which tends to be hard, physical, and what is most depressing, undignified.....No, I don't have a pimp!
I work cleaning large cinema at night, 7 days a week. Excruciating work from kitchen to bathrooms, to theaters them selves.
I do this to support my son who decided that I am much more of a mom to him then his own mother.
I could have survived comfortably on my side job which is running very slow office for a automotive dealership and yet keep my dignity for after all it carries a GM label with it and I am more then qualified to fill these shoes.

But in current situation, both of us could not survive this way and so I went on seeking other jobs and landed this, I wish I hadn't, but here I am, near tears sometimes, I think this is more then just physical work surfacing through in disappointment.

I guess I was hoping for more glamor job to say the least!!!!!

But here I come to the original post, as I grow within and make each step count and get ever so closer to the reality of womanhood, I look back and visit the crossdressing section of this forum and even though I have traveled my path towards understanding of who I am through crossdressing, I look upon it now as though a foreign and extremely distant form of awkward play on the theme but no substance.

I don't like how I feel about it, especially because it was a part of my journey but can't help the feeling of distance and disconnect overcome my feelings towards it.

Do you, transitioning transsexaul or post transexual woman also have such feelings poke your conscious?????



Well, I suppose an update is due:

This morning after entire night of work, I met again with the owner ............................................read more at post #32

[suzy1]

Inna, you have been through a lot and it’s bound to take time to settle into your life as it is now.

I am not a transitioning transsexual but have a female side to me so can relate I think?
You are still a member of this family and I for one still think of you and feel for you.

All the best and look after yourself,

SUZY

[Inna]

Inna, you have been through a lot and it’s bound to take time to settle into your life as it is now.

I am not a transitioning transsexual but have a female side to me so can relate I think?
You are still a member of this family and I for one still think of you and feel for you.

All the best and look after yourself,

SUZY

You were always a great friend, and I DO appreciate your words, they do make a difference,

Love, Inna

[mbmeen12]

My heart and prayers are with you hun.... Kara

Do you, transitioning transsexual or post transsexual woman also have such feelings poke your conscious?????

:( Cant really help with your question but I'm with you in your journey, just soooo far behind ....

[Thera Home]

Hang in there Inna
We all have rough times and hard times in our lives but don't let bring you down. Just remember that youre special and there's no one else like you. Hang in there kid,keep that chin up and move forward. The past is history,the future is unknown and the present is a gift. Enjoy life for all that its worth.

Thera

[Michelle 2]

Inna as Suzy stated you are an important member of this family. Do not ever forget that you are a mentor and teacher to many as well as a trailblazer for us all. Your sacrafices have been for a noble cause and now even more for your son. If it is as you say that he percieves you more as his mom than his real mother, you are very special in his eyes.

I pray and I hope another opportunity becomes available for a second income for you that is more suited to your unique talents.

Michelle

[Kathryn Martin]

Don't you think it is interesting that those that have responded are all not transitioning or post op women?

While my experience was quite different because I never crossdressed before I transitioned I did, when first coming to this board, participate for a very short time on the crossdressing portion of the board. I think the difference between it and this board is, that what we talk about here are by and large existential issues for those that have chosen the path to transition. Once you walk down this road, what goes on the crossdresser board seems play and sometimes awkward play (with a few notable exceptions) which best be left behind. There are also substantial differences that reveal themselves. Apart from the usual that we have discussed so many times before, just your story reveals a humility and sacrifice that few or none of the crossdressers can really understand. It is so different to go to work with all the trapping of male privilege and come home and play women or girl. What you are experiencing Inna, is the disrobing from this privilege, and a world in which nothing or very little is for granted anymore. You are now, as a woman and single parent responsible and experience the harsh reality of surviving in a world in which women are less then men. There is no glamour in cleaning, it is backbreaking work and has been done by women forever.

Living in such reality puts much in perspective, doesn't it. The fancy games are left behind because life's necessities need your entire attention. Do not ever feel bad for having these feelings, you no longer play but live, that is the difference. So welcome.... love as always, Kathryn


These here are personal feelings, true and unbiased!

I am living womans life, especially now, I had been dealt a job which tends to be hard, physical, and what is most depressing, undignified.....No, I don't have a pimp!
I work cleaning large cinema at night, 7 days a week. Excruciating work from kitchen to bathrooms, to theaters them selves.
I do this to support my son who decided that I am much more of a mom to him then his own mother.
I could have survived comfortably on my side job which is running very slow office for a automotive dealership and yet keep my dignity for after all it carries a GM label with it and I am more then qualified to fill these shoes.

But in current situation, both of us could not survive this way and so I went on seeking other jobs and landed this, I wish I hadn't, but here I am, near tears sometimes, I think this is more then just physical work surfacing through in disappointment.

I guess I was hoping for more glamor job to say the least!!!!!

But here I come to the original post, as I grow within and make each step count and get ever so closer to the reality of womanhood, I look back and visit the crossdressing section of this forum and even though I have traveled my path towards understanding of who I am through crossdressing, I look upon it now as though a foreign and extremely distant form of awkward play on the theme but no substance.

I don't like how I feel about it, especially because it was a part of my journey but can't help the feeling of distance and disconnect overcome my feelings towards it.

Do you, transitioning transsexaul or post transexual woman also have such feelings poke your conscious?????

[Jorja]

Inna as you may recall, I transitioned 20+ years ago. The first couple of years after transition I looked at crossdressing as something I wanted to be completely disconnected from. It no longer served a purpose or had meaning in my life. I feel this is a normal progression for the transsexual or post op transsexual woman. Then you realize there are many that cannot transition or do not want to transition for one reason or another. Maybe they are not afflicted to the same degree of GID. They deserve their femme time as much as I did. They are not hurting anyone and many crossdressers are very good and close friends of mine. So it is all good.

[Stephenie S]

Don't you think it is interesting that those that have responded are all not transitioning or post op women?

While my experience was quite different because I never crossdressed before I transitioned I did, when first coming to this board, participate for a very short time on the crossdressing portion of the board. I think the difference between it and this board is, that what we talk about here are by and large existential issues for those that have chosen the path to transition. Once you walk down this road, what goes on the crossdresser board seems play and sometimes awkward play (with a few notable exceptions) which best be left behind. There are also substantial differences that reveal themselves. Apart from the usual that we have discussed so many times before, just your story reveals a humility and sacrifice that few or none of the crossdressers can really understand. It is so different to go to work with all the trapping of male privilege and come home and play women or girl. What you are experiencing Inna, is the disrobing from this privilege, and a world in which nothing or very little is for granted anymore. You are now, as a woman and single parent responsible and experience the harsh reality of surviving in a world in which women are less then men. There is no glamour in cleaning, it is backbreaking work and has been done by women forever.

Living in such reality puts much in perspective, doesn't it. The fancy games are left behind because life's necessities need your entire attention. Do not ever feel bad for having these feelings, you no longer play but live, that is the difference. So welcome.... love as always, Kathryn

Why Kathryn, what a sweet, sweet post.

S

[kellycan27]

So do you feel like you have to pay some kind of penance, by doing manual labor rather than a more lucrative, easier job with GM? What do you hope to accomplish by making things harder on yourself and your son? SORRY, but this makes no sense to me. You can survive better by working 7 days a week for less money? :sad:

[Scottey1]

Inna:
Please know I'm thinking of you as well and wish only the best for you and your son. Supporting you son and being together means so much, and HIS support of you is so wonderful! You will get thru these times together! All of us are here to support you, too! As you gain more time in your other job, I know they will come to value your contributions and will reward you for your experience and abilities. Good things happen to good people - you're good people! Our conversation meant so much to me, and I'm here to support you as you supported me. You go, girl!

[ReineD]

Inna, I admire you for doing what you need to do for yourself and your son! You can't live life any better than this. :hugs:

But, I have to say something in defense of the CD side of the forum. It's true there are many threads that seem frivolous in comparison to the more serious threads here. Some of our members' needs aren't as strong as others, and many are here for fun, as an outlet of sorts. This is a place where for a brief time, they can allow themselves to be their inner girls because they live in families where the expression of their femininity is not accepted. And it's a place for others to learn about presentation techniques, and also a place where still others can seek encouragement on their looks, as they build the confidence to go out. But, there are also many heartbreaking, more serious threads. There are members who feel caught in this middle plane and this is not easy either. The world understands middle planes even less than it understands either side of a fence.

[noeleena]

Hi,

Our backgrounds can be very different our makeup in who we are is allso different, you know i was never a dresser or trans so my differences would be very different,

I knew what i was 55 years ago. i was settled in my self i wont say as male because im not in the true sence of the word, yet there is a part of me that is male it allso helped me be who i am now.

I allso knew i would live as i was born a female / woman or intersex, Yet even so i had to live life learn about my self learn my trade, & get on with people now that was hard,

When i knew my changes were coming to a start then things with in me really started to change, my own hormones my thinking & just every thing in reguard to being myself as a woman,though i am female as well. I had to grow & that i have,

There were many changes for me even with in our family,
Jos can say yes to that & allso im a very different person in who i am my core values are the same just as iv said before i never related to men though im better at getting along with them i still dont relate to or with them,

You know in my posts to you has been the same .

We must accept our selfs first . we must belive in who we are, its not about do we blend in or ( pass ) its about being real being who we are, we can have acceptance from others iv proved that time & time again,& im not talking just about a few people,

Your experance of life is very different than mine your time here has been in many ways harder, because of not allowing your self to grow youv held back . to move forward we must ....move.... our mind change the mind set to allow us to grow,

You know once we overcome that, we then will grow, other wise as you know we stagnate, we get down & close our selfs off .

So in some ways there are details that you & i have that are the same. my difference i came here as a woman i joined as androgynous , I could not claim male or female though im both even though i have only ever thought as a female . so it put me in a position of i dont belong any where if you like in no mans land .

We come here with very different backgrounds ....YET... we can help .

So be proud of who you are be who you should be, live life... love life... to the fullest... & have a great life doing it,

HUGS.......

...noeleena...

[Marleena]

Then you realize there are many that cannot transition or do not want to transition for one reason or another. Maybe they are not afflicted to the same degree of GID. They deserve their femme time as much as I did. They are not hurting anyone and many crossdressers are very good and close friends of mine. So it is all good.

Thanks Jorja, I couldn't have said it better myself.

I'm sure things will get better for Inna too. Nobody ever said it would be easy, and if they did well...

[kristinacd55]

Hey Inna, It's all part of the plan for your life and you have to decide if it's what you want to keep doing. I remember in the 80's when I was running my father in law's furniture business and feeling exactly how you do. Sitting there crying in the back of a warehouse and saying why am I doing this??? For me, it was to support my family and at the time had nothing to do with transitioning or dressing......but

The main point I want to make is to hang in there and the answer is coming to you! :)

[morgan51]

Inna ; Just keep faith that all is working out just as it should You are a bright spot in my life and I pray you will have some peace knowing you are doing the best right thing for your son. I'm transitioning and experiencing reverse male privilege I ask my coworkers to do something and I'm virtually ignored and have to be more direct with them. I'm used to telling them to do something and being heeded. Lots of changes in dealing with public as well I'm not taken as serious when I offer advice or solutions to thier mechanical problems . I just keep trying can't see myself changing jobs at this time I have been at this on for 40 + years. I do know this forum and particularly your input is valuable to me I admire and watch for your input. I did enjoy the crossderssers part of this forum but now relate to the ts section almost exclusively. Keep on doing what you do I admire and appreciate you!

[Cheryl T]

All work is dignified!!
It's those that don't want to work and have everything given to them that should be depressed and upset.

Working to support yourself and your son is not shameful no matter what you do for a living. Hold your head up and be proud that you have your dignity, you work hard for those you love, and you ask nothing from others except for the opportunity to be self-sufficient.

[stefan37]

Inna,

In response to your question. I have always felt since a very early age I was born the wrong gender. I didn't understand it and felt very comfortable crossdressing. I had no idea how to talk to anybody about it so I went about life doing male and enjoying male activities, while crossdressing frequently to calm myself. I have been reading this forum since around 2007 and I always felt more comfortable in the ts section. I would still think of myself as a crossdressers. I have had some events happen in my life that allowed to me to connect with my inner feelings and I got the courage to join when I did.
I would agree with your statement as for distancing my self from being just a crossdresser. For myself after starting hormone therapy I had no real desire to crossdress per se but to wear clothes appropriate for my age as a women might.
I do think that there is a gender continuum and people have to find their balance within it. I sometimes wish that being transgender was foreign to me and I had no connection with it. In some ways maybe my life would have been simpler. The reality is that it is a part of my being and nothing I do can change that. I am navigating my transition with a completely open mind and taking it comfort level at a time. So far every path I have taken seems to be the right one. I am taking it slow to try to keep my 30 year marriage intact. that may or may not be possible , but my wife is at least open to the possibility.
Your present job while you feel is undesirable is what you must do to survive. That does not mean it will be forever and I believe it will motivate you to feel much more confidant in your ability to find a more rewarding job. You obviously have an inner strength that allows to achieve goals you set your mind to reach. You took the difficult step to transition and even more difficult task of starving yourself to obtain the figure you desired. The paths you have chosen and took take great resolve and commitment.
You are an inspiration to all of us embarking on the path of transition and as you put it "self truth"

[TxKimberly]

Dear Inna,

There are MUCH worse jobs that you might have found yourself in, so do not despair. In my experience this only confirms your roll as a mother, because a mother does what ever it takes to take care of her children. It doesn't matter if it is glamorous, it doesn't matter if it is hard, and it doesn't matter if it is something that you can brag about. A decent mother always does what it takes. . .

[Inna]

Awwwwww! You all nearly made me cry...in a good way! Thanks for all the love I am gettin, and such love coming from as diverse spectrum of friends as any one can hope for. In my OP I stated that I am drifting away, however I want to emphasize that I am not condoning nor in dislike of crossdressing, never was, never will, its just that crossdressing which was a major part of my life, gosh, I would probably not survive without it, seems eons away from the realities of woman's life I am living now. I guess these tears I shed sometimes clarify the vision I have of womanhood. And even though I write of hardship, I would never wish my life to be any different in sake of giving up the core being for comforts of life.

LUV you all, you are my sisters weather crossdressing, transgenderizing or just being a woman you are! :)

[Traci Elizabeth]

Like Kathryn, I was never a CD and actually had/have nothing in common with them. In my mind, they are pretending to be women for whatever gratification they get out of it and when the fun is over, they go back to being a male with a penis. There are some CD's like Inna who progress into transitioning and I would suspect that it becomes easy to leave the CD's behind relatively quickly.

I also think that you taking on this movie job goes to show your love for your child. When push comes to shove, we all do what we have to do to provide for out families. Hang in there Inna and I send you "positive Karma."

[Elizabeth]

Inna as you may recall, I transitioned 20+ years ago. The first couple of years after transition I looked at crossdressing as something I wanted to be completely disconnected from. It no longer served a purpose or had meaning in my life. I feel this is a normal progression for the transsexual or post op transsexual woman. Then you realize there are many that cannot transition or do not want to transition for one reason or another. Maybe they are not afflicted to the same degree of GID. They deserve their femme time as much as I did. They are not hurting anyone and many crossdressers are very good and close friends of mine. So it is all good.

I transitioned 8 years ago and when I say transitioned, I mean transitioned my life. I came out of the closet and started living my life as the woman I am. I am, however, disabled with fibromyalgia with forced me to retire and go on disability. I can't afford surgery and medicare won't pay. The fact that I can not transition because of financial reasons, has nothing to do what or who I believe I am. People who do not have surgery, doesn't mean they have a lower level of GID. It means they have less means. Now one could always say "well if you really wanted to have the surgery, you would find a way", but that is not the truth of the situation.

Remember, before the twentieth century, no on transitioned. There were no hormones, there was no surgery. People transitioned by living their lives as women despite not having surgery or hormones. They did this for thousands of years. To me, this is the real transition. It's the hard part, that breaks up families and ends friendships. My license says I am a girl, I live my life as a girl and no one is really checking what is between my legs. It's all about living as the person one believes they are, not what they have done. IMHO.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Jorja]

I transitioned 8 years ago and when I say transitioned, I mean transitioned my life. I came out of the closet and started living my life as the woman I am. I am, however, disabled with fibromyalgia with forced me to retire and go on disability. I can't afford surgery and medicare won't pay. The fact that I can not transition because of financial reasons, has nothing to do what or who I believe I am. People who do not have surgery, doesn't mean they have a lower level of GID. It means they have less means. Now one could always say "well if you really wanted to have the surgery, you would find a way", but that is not the truth of the situation.

Remember, before the twentieth century, no on transitioned. There were no hormones, there was no surgery. People transitioned by living their lives as women despite not having surgery or hormones. They did this for thousands of years. To me, this is the real transition. It's the hard part, that breaks up families and ends friendships. My license says I am a girl, I live my life as a girl and no one is really checking what is between my legs. It's all about living as the person one believes they are, not what they have done. IMHO.

Love always,
Elizabeth

Well, I knew someone would be offended by my words here. Had you bothered to read these words you might not have been offended, "Then you realize there are many that cannot transition"

[Badtranny]

Inna, you have crappy job that doesn't pay anywhere near what it's worth, BUT you are living your life free and expressing your true self to the world. The man you used to be was not a happy person, the woman you are is exhausted but much happier than you ever thought you could be. A person with less resolve would likely have put on a suit and tie already and got a job as a man. (just till things improve) Instead you pushed ahead with your name change and are taking whatever job you can find till things improve. You are a rock star and I love that you come on this board and show the next crop of girls some harsh reality.

The fantasies of transition are a universe removed from the facts of transition. No sane person would do what we do for the wardrobe. Like a few others, I never cross dressed either (well except for 2009) and there are many things that I do not understand about CD's. Even when I was doing it every weekend it was more about immersing myself in a life I didn't think I could have, and I never got a particular thrill about the clothes themselves. I just wanted to look good. My cross dressing quickly developed into something much different and then, the thrill was gone. My interaction with this very site had shown me what was possible and though I scratch my head at some of the CD stuff, I have to admit that I feel extremely lucky to have found myself. As rough as transition can be, it is worth every thing because I am finally free. I can't even imagine what it must be like to be so conflicted about your place in the gender spectrum. I knew who I was all along, I just didn't know I could do anything about it. The very idea of spending a lifetime as a secret CD is just mind boggling to me. These people have their joy meted out to them a few hours at a time, I don't know if they can ever feel "whole" because the drab side is pensive and the fab side is secret.

You feel a distance to cross dressing because you can't relate, but don't let the distance obscure your empathy. We have it easy compared to many CD's because we can celebrate who we are every single day. I've had bad days since I went full time, but it's never so bad that catching my reflection in a window doesn't make me smile.

[Barbara Ella]

One thing I have noticed in my short time here is the growth and change in many members, and that is what you are doing growing in your self. With growth comes separation from the beginnings. Beginnings seldom fulfill a need after growth in whatever situation, and not filling a need is often simply taken as useless. And in relation to the relevance of needs in your particular situation, it no longer has a place, but as you recognize, it was a central role at one time, maybe like a long lost friend you did not realize you missed because you were making many more new ones.

I know if you keep doing the best you can do at whatever it is that is given you, you will come out on top Your perseverance gives us all hope and insight into our own turmoils, which may never get close to yours. Don't let these feelings get you down even a little bit.

Barbara

[CharleneT]

. . .

But in current situation, both of us could not survive this way and so I went on seeking other jobs and landed this, I wish I hadn't, but here I am, near tears sometimes, I think this is more then just physical work surfacing through in disappointment.

I guess I was hoping for more glamor job to say the least!!!!!

But here I come to the original post, as I grow within and make each step count and get ever so closer to the reality of womanhood, I look back and visit the cross dressing section of this forum and even though I have traveled my path towards understanding of who I am through cross dressing, I look upon it now as though a foreign and extremely distant form of awkward play on the theme but no substance.

I don't like how I feel about it, especially because it was a part of my journey but can't help the feeling of distance and disconnect overcome my feelings towards it.

Do you, transitioning transsexaul or post transexual woman also have such feelings poke your conscious?????

Transition, especially the middle phase ( or so called RLE ) is tough. I think for everyone, just in different ways. I am post-op but still consider myself to be "transitioning". I do think I'm at the other end ;) Yes, I believe that many have had similar feelings to what you express here. Sure many TS folks cross dress at some point(s) to try and deal with their GID. It works sometimes, but eventually it doesn't. I tried it, I tried pretty darn hard at it. In fact that extra effort was what blew up my world finally. Sure reading those forums now seems odd - at best. Here's a quote that I think works well for this:

“All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.” ---Anatole France

Sure, it is a little obtuse, but I think it fits.

As for your current job, I hope that it is merely a step in the path. At one point, a few years ago my little biz was failing fast and I was desperate to help my budget. I took a job stocking shelves at Menard's ( a home improvement/hardware store). 5am to 9am, this was at a point when I was not quite full time. Taking it hurt my self esteem quite a bit. That job turned out to help in a many ways, most importantly it actually helped me get my current 2nd job - which is more full filling. Hang in there, it is a rough sea you are crossing :bighug2:

[LeaP]

Do you, transitioning transsexaul or post transexual woman also have such feelings poke your conscious?????

As I started coming to terms with my gender issues, I went through a short period where I tried to "accept" my cross-dressing. What was actually happening was that identity was starting to force its way through the suppression mechanisms that I had used all my life. The thing is, cross-dressing was always a source of conflict for me, and when I ramped it up and brought it into the open, it quickly proved to be hollow. So I can't really relate to that period of play, awkward or not, to which you refer. It never felt playful. At best it provided some relief for a while ... before it stopped working and became MORE frustrating.

Just as understanding is slow to come to transsexuals (some, anyway) as we work through layers of false maleness, apprehending the differences between transsexuality and crossdressing has taken time, too. With the perspective now gained, I realize that I've never really understood crossdressing in the truly male-identified. I thought I did, but have little in common with the experiences and feelings I read most often.

I hope your hard work leads to something better, Inna. The emotional strain and physical drain come through in your post. As with others here, I admire your resolve and your dedication to your family. Hard work and high capabilities have a way of getting recognized eventually, though. It wouldn't surprise me if you were managing the theater in the future.

[kimdl93]

I don't think you need to feel bad about growing and changing as a person. Think of this site as the support you needed when you were transitioning...but like training wheels on a bike...eventually you can and should be able to ride unassisted.

[Elizabeth]

Well, I knew someone would be offended by my words here. Had you bothered to read these words you might not have been offended, "Then you realize there are many that cannot transition"

I was not offended as I know your heart to be in the right place. I was only presenting a point of view. I know you were only trying to help people by presenting your point of view. I never felt any malice. As I said, it's just my point of view. As many others here, I value your opinion and would not want you to feel limited in what you say, because of my feelings. They are not hurt and my respect for you remains as it was, very high.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Kathryn Martin]

My license says I am a girl, I live my life as a girl and no one is really checking what is between my legs. It's all about living as the person one believes they are, not what they have done. IMHO.

Love always,
Elizabeth

I have a question, if you had half a chance financially or health wise to have surgery, would you?

In my view it is simply not about what one believes to make one a woman. If that were to be the case you could conceivably anything from a squirrel to a train. Generally speaking this would be considered a mental illness. Resorting to history does not provide an answer because what these people did was to achieve closest approximation to being themselves given the state of technology and medical science. You believe what you are not in a vacuum. There is a basis for you being a woman which is not rooted in your financial means. What is between the legs of a woman with transsexual history does matter on achieving being whole. The fact that you cannot afford it means nothing about your motives unless you actually don't want to have a vagina, in which case you would not be transsexual but gender variant.

The dividing line is is not money, but rather what is the needed end point of your transition. Money and health can be barriers to complete transition but not to achieve closest approximation.


But, I have to say something in defense of the CD side of the forum. It's true there are many threads that seem frivolous in comparison to the more serious threads here. Some of our members' needs aren't as strong as others, and many are here for fun, as an outlet of sorts. This is a place where for a brief time, they can allow themselves to be their inner girls because they live in families where the expression of their femininity is not accepted. And it's a place for others to learn about presentation techniques, and also a place where still others can seek encouragement on their looks, as they build the confidence to go out. But, there are also many heartbreaking, more serious threads. There are members who feel caught in this middle plane and this is not easy either. The world understands middle planes even less than it understands either side of a fence.

I would agree with you entirely. The question asked by Inna, however, was whether transitioning or post op persons feel similar to what she described about her feeling about crossdressing. Things will get a very different perspective once you have stepped on the road to transitioning, live RLE and are post op. Like so many before me, everything changes once you have reached those milestones, and not once but every time.

In what I said, (and I admit I will be more careful in the way I express myself in the future) I did not mean to belittle crossdressers and their issues. But it is a very different thing to for a time to channel feminity or "inner girl" as you called it with all of it's attendant problems and often heart wrenching consequences for marriage and friendships and return to a daily life as a male than to get up in the morning as a woman work through your day, socialize and interact with family and go to bed as a woman. You know this better than I and I am learning fast and happily to embrace my life.

In the end we need to be able to converse about our feelings on this forum which is for transsexual persons.

[ReineD]

In the end we need to be able to converse about our feelings on this forum which is for transsexual persons.

I do understand what Inna meant about feeling foreign and distant from the CDing now, as she should after her transition, if one is to define the CDing as putting on a temporary mask. An analogy is a parent who cannot go back to knowlng what it feels like to not love a child unconditionally, after having had a child.

I was rather thinking about the many different facets of what we call "CDing". I believe (although I may be wrong), the tendency is to lump CDers pretty much all in one class, when some people who do not call themselves TS experience a real need to express who they are, just like transsexuals ... although unlike TSs they also experience a gender duality. I guess I was trying to say that for many people who cannot identify as pure TSs like the transitioners, the expression of their feminine selves is also genuine and not to be compared to someone who does this on a lark.

So for MtFs, I do see a difference between feeling male and putting on a feminine mask for fun, feeling female like Inna and having put on a male mask for survival for a large chunk of her life, but also feeling something outside of the binary where neither the all-male nor the all-female gender expression fits. And so the expression of both is just as genuine for a non-binary person as being full-time is for a TS. It is in comparing the genuineness of expression among people who are on different planes that I was drawing a parallel, and not the degree of feminine gender that is innate in each individual.

I was giving voice to my own thoughts as I read Inna's feelings about the CDing in her original post and if it sounded as though I was not validating Inna's feelings, then I apologize.

[Inna]

Well, I suppose an update is due:

This morning after entire night of work, I met again with the owner of the Sweat Shop and was rather surprised to say the least when he said "oh, I don't pay for training time same rate, it will be third of normal pay"
My entire self felt numb, I was speechless and when I pleaded to him that I have borrowed $60 so that I could get to work for this entire week, he went back to his car and brought $100 for entire weeks pay.
I simply fell apart inside, after paying off what I have borrowed I have worked back braking, over night shifts to end up with $40 dollars in my hand.

On the way home I cried the entire way back, shouting, "Why are You doing this to me", "what have I done to deserve it"

And yet I still believe in the path and wisdom I do not understand. I obviously quit the moment I walked outside to my car and even though revenge had poked its slimy fingers through the fabric of my consciuos, I shall restrain from such. Anger begets anger, and I easily could have had this guy put behind bars for type of illegal operation he is running, employing illegal immigrants and paying them directly avoiding taxation, workers comp, laws and for most INS criminal conduct.

But the same I would put tens of illegal immigrants at risk of deportation, jail time and this is not what I am about to do, especially as one of those is a friend who got me in touch with this scum of a fellow thinking everything will be OK.

It was an out of this world experience, one of the lowest lows and highest highs, when I realized I had it in me to get on my knees and do what many would regard as disgraceful. All that being at the fresh stage of celebrating womanhood, wonderful yet bittersweet, I have proven to my self that even through sorrowful disappointment I still remained a WOMAN!!!!!!!!!!!

[ReineD]

Ugh. This is the new reality in an economy with high unemployment. I'm angry just reading about your experience. "Training" my A$$. I'm sure you cleaned that place top to bottom just as someone who had been there for 5 years. I'm sorry and shame on him. How does he sleep at night.

You know the other new reality that frosts me? Obtaining a job that is only available "part-time" for example as a bank-teller, even though the part-time hours are only 5 hours less than full-time. And so the bank is not obligated to provide medical benefits as they do for the employees who are fortunate enough to have been there for awhile.

[Kate Simmons]

The bottom line is that this is something you needed to experience my friend. Don't forget, we all have the capability to manifest our own reality and don't have to settle for the status quo. :)

["Mary"]

Hang in there Inna. Sounds like you are a great parent. Saying a prayer for you this evening. Hugs.
Have you ever read "The Story of a Soul" by St Therese. She is known for showing her love for God and others by doing the little things in her life with love. I think you two might have something in common.

[Inna]

Yes Kate, BUT................if we realize that we are the observer then we loose illusion of realities we portrait, however if we fall too deep into a trap of reality we loose the horizon of essence.
Falling in to fall, out of and back into spiral of egotistic centrism of self and out into truth within essence, timeless, place-less manifested within constraint but for a moment to appear into bubbling fertility of creation......

[Jorja]

Just a curious question, Inna. Do you have any skill or higher education?

[elizabethamy]

I was never a CD and actually had/have nothing in common with them. In my mind, they are pretending to be women for whatever gratification they get out of it and when the fun is over, they go back to being a male with a penis. There are some CD's like Inna who progress into transitioning and I would suspect that it becomes easy to leave the CD's behind relatively quickly.


There are so many of us on different paths. As is often said about America in general, so it is with TG/TS women: "We all came here on different ships, but we're in the same boat now."

As someone who, like Inna, seems to have started to CD as a gateway to understanding and embracing the full power and terror of being TG or TS (the internal debate continues, though TS seems to be winning), I see the CD's Traci talks about as men who have happily discovered that their gender dysphoria is easily addressed through some relatively mild activity, and since it is, they've rightly decided to embrace it and enjoy it. Bravo for them! I'd love to be one of them! It would be so much easier... but for the rest of us, maybe we transition and maybe we don't, but we struggle with finding what we need to get the same level of happiness as all those people rocking the crossdressing forums.

....Inna has taken the braver and harder road. She has been a rock of encouragement to me and to many others. I'm so grateful, and hence doubly sad that this economy's way of rewarding her for her amazing journey is to stick her with a low paying job and a stupid boss. I just went through something like this, Inna, in losing one job and believing miserably for a long time that I would not get another one, then that I had to take a crappy one, and then miraculously getting a good one. You cast a bright light on this forum and I bet you do in person, too. You will be doing something more satisfying and better paying soon -- have faith in yourself and in the amazing inner strength we all know you have!

e.

[Inna]

You girls are THE strength! I know for a fact that my journey of finality of denial started HERE, without such support I am doubtful it would ever be possible.
@ Elizabeth, you are a dear friend, thanks, and your words here sound loudly. Yes, transsexuality is an affliction, a condition of sorrowful proportion starving one self of core feeling of wellness and wholeness. We then set out to brave the storms, fighting the dragons of conformity and crossing ever so treacherous paths through deserts of self.
But once closer to that illusive mark, even the most dreadful of situations become bearable, for once WE ARE, True Self, True Soul within True Body and the mind follows with wholeness and congruity.

@ Joria, I have been educated in the American system from age of 17 when I have immigrated here, the land of opportunity and abundance of wealth, lol, it almost sounds satirical now, but how true for a boy from Eastern Block, oh my! It was like a country folk from Cambodia being suddenly dropped in the middle of Disney World, some serious mind F%&#^@

High-school, College, member of Honors Design Studio there, became an Architect, practiced, got awards for outstanding talent, got seriously deflated by amount of politics and legal issues beside maybe 10% of true design time. Realization that I wanted the American Dream and wasn't willing to work for peanuts, geee after all I wasn't an elephant ( well maybe just in the closet)
Borrowed money, opened a car lot, and in next 4 months made as much as my head of design studio, then next 4 months came and I had surpassed income of most architects I knew.
Forward 6 years and I am an American Dream, a Giant (well that was mostly my own mind, but I was well off) Mill. doll. waterfront 5thousand square foot house, 4 car garage, I liked cars hence the profession.
Drove some of the most desirable cars in the planet, was a big deal on the outside, and inside a little girl crying her eyes out for she was in the dungeon of self inflicted dark castle of denial.

Long story short, at the end I contemplated The End and was almost successful, but here I am, empty of any material possession, nearly homeless if not for the wonderful loving friends I have who stayed with me after I have announced to the world that I am a freak!

But you know what is the most remarkable part of this most miraculous disaster...........................I am way happier walking through gates of hell knowing for once of who I am then having all that devilish ego provided for with glitz and glamor, money and power.

I AM INNA and I know I will stand tall on my long legs and become a giant once again, but this time.....................a gentle giant.............the one you can cuddle with :)

[Kate Simmons]

Just remember Inna, I and many others here value you for who you are as a person. That never changes Hon, situation and job notwithstanding.As you know the only thing that really works is positive energy.:)

[Jorja]

[QUOTE=Inna;2961772High-school, College, member of Honors Design Studio there, became an Architect, practiced, got awards for outstanding talent[/QUOTE]

So why are you not using that education and talent to your advantage now when you need it? Because you are a transsexual? Oh I forgot, us trannies are not worthy of a decent life. My bad.

[Barbara Ella]

Inna, after reading your recent post, I must echo Jorja's sentiments, well not all...lol

I read in your post that you are highly educated, and exceptionally motivated and capable of independent development. You have an excellent mind for business. Woman, you better be putting some of that potential to work for you and your son. Now is not the time to forget your inner capabilities and potential. You may be working at the movie theater at night, but you better have your mind in gear with plans about how to get back some of what you developed previously. Just because you are now a woman does not give anyone the right to think you cannot sit right down and do exactly what you did before.

Mentally you may not be ready, but you durn sure better be planning your resurrection from the ashes, because you sure have it within you. If you can do what you are doing now, the world should be your oyster, just give it time, and dont give in.

Barbara

[Inna]

thanks girls, Barbara I am doing just that, but it takes time, planning and force of self which as you put will take some time to gain yet.

@Joria, I am planning and will once again be at the forefront but as Barbara eloquently stated, Mentally you may not be ready, but you durn sure better be planning your resurrection from the ashes, because you sure have it within you. If you can do what you are doing now, the world should be your oyster, just give it time, and dont give in.
I am working on it and as I have observed most transitioned girls had taken approximately 3 years to be able to just begin full life, I had been at this for past 2 years this coming January and actually felt not ready yet, but my love for my son was more powerful then any fears or insecurities I might have to still overcome. I am a doer and I do as much as I can, but don't tell me I am less of a girl because i resulted to clean toilets. I am proud of what I did and would still do if not for the jerko of a boss, I am proud as well of all tose woman who do this job day in day out or actually ningt in night out, they are as precocious to me if not more then all the CEO taken together.

[Elizabeth]

I have a question, if you had half a chance financially or health wise to have surgery, would you?

In my view it is simply not about what one believes to make one a woman. If that were to be the case you could conceivably anything from a squirrel to a train. Generally speaking this would be considered a mental illness. Resorting to history does not provide an answer because what these people did was to achieve closest approximation to being themselves given the state of technology and medical science. You believe what you are not in a vacuum. There is a basis for you being a woman which is not rooted in your financial means. What is between the legs of a woman with transsexual history does matter on achieving being whole. The fact that you cannot afford it means nothing about your motives unless you actually don't want to have a vagina, in which case you would not be transsexual but gender variant.

The dividing line is is not money, but rather what is the needed end point of your transition. Money and health can be barriers to complete transition but not to achieve closest approximation.





It was very difficult coming to the realization that physical transition was most likely not going to happen for me. Not just because of financial reasons, sometimes those can be overcome, but because of health issues. Besides having a heart attack at age 45, most likely from two decades of ibuprofen abuse, but also because I am disabled with fibromyalgia. This means I really do not have the ability to make more money. But even if that were not the case, it would be difficult to find a doctor to agree to give me hormones. Inside of Medicare, this is not possible and on the small amount that disability gives me, finding a heart specialist, an endocrinologist, a lab to do blood tests, and pay for hormones, is just not realistic.

That forced me to accept, barring some unforeseen circumstance, I was going to have to live my life in this body. But should that circumstance change, I would for sure change my body. Someone is going to be the first to have a vagina transplant, perhaps it's going to be me?

That is why I use the historical reference about physical transition not being available until recently in history. To ask myself what others did who felt what I felt, yet could not change their bodies. A way to understand how I could still be me. And also I agree, those who decide not to transition even though they have the means, are feeling something different than me. And finally, I don't really think of myself as being a transsexual anymore. I used to, but I realized that was a label that others needed for me, not one I needed for myself. I am just another girl as far as I am concerned.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[ColleenA]

... I have observed most transitioned girls had taken approximately 3 years to be able to just begin full life ...

Inna, Having seen all that my BFF went through with her surgeries, work issues, etc. during her transition, I agree with your observation. I think it was realistic for you to set your expectations for the time needed at the outset.



I don't really think of myself as being a transsexual anymore. I used to, but I realized that was a label that others needed for me, not one I needed for myself. I am just another girl as far as I am concerned.

Elizabeth, I have seen this thought expressed in numerous ways by many people, but I really like your phrasing here, especially "a label that others needed for me."

Colleen

[Loni]

sadly I am one of those caught between making a living and living my life as it should have been.

but take hart in knowing even the highest and mighest suit up on the 50th floor in the corrner office, still relies on the lowely janitor. imagen a suit cleaning up after them selves....what a mess that would be.

all jobs are what they are, and only caractor can do them right, to care for there family.

loni

[nikkijo]

Inna... I call bullshit to your story.. so the **** what that your trans what were you thinking giving up the car lot that put you into the upper class... U say your story doesn't add up somewhere.. being trans does not mean you can't be a gear head... Or a car junky or a success... It's to others its mostly appearences. So you look different... It shouldn't change your day to day view of your business life.. I'm a boat and car junky own my own business. As a mechanic and am successful.. and guess what... No body cares I'm trans..