I'ma take it to the grave

[nikki626]

Although I'm having a hard time accepting myself for who I am, I've come to realization that there's a 99% chance my cd habits won't ever go away. Therefore, whether it be my mom, or the girlfriend/wife of my dreams, there's no way I'll ever expose this side of me. Are there any of you out there that are able keep this secret within you, and still be happy? I'm pretty determined to take this secret to the grave with me. I just want to know if there's anyone else that loves their life with their significant other and family, but wont ever expose the girl side of you. I know I'm young and all, but I highly doubt I'll tell this secret to anyone. anyone else have similar mindsets?

[Aloha Jayne]

Good luck Nikki. You've got a long life ahead of you with your SO. It's a lot to keep secret. But let me ask, are you CDing now, do you have a collection and are you adding to it? There are so many arguments for and against coming out, but in the long run it might be better for her to know now, rather than when you have shared a life togethor for 20 or 30 years. And if you aren't doing anything, do you think you can refrain for the rest of your life? These are struggles I am having now after being married for 23 years.

[sissystephanie]

If the wife of your dreams even becomes your wife, what will happen if she finds out aboutt your CD activities? It would be better to tell her now, and let it be in the open. I told my late wife when I proposed to her, and we had almost 50 years together before cancer took her! My crossdressing was never a problem and she was very helpful to me.

Trying to keep it a secret will cause all kinds of problems!!

[crossdressersfriend GG]

My CDing friend felt the same way and he told me. I asked why me and he just said that I seemed really open minded and that I wouldn't judge and he's right I don't. He never thought he'd tell anyone but now he's told 2 more people even.

So I wouldn't say never. I think if you do find a GF or SO you should look for someone you can be honest about this with, your life will be a happier one if you are allowed to just be who you are. I see my friends years of struggling and hiding and it's hard not to be who you are. Now he has to live the life he's chosen when it would have just been easier to be honest from the start.


So don't feel down, or feel like you have to hide. You don't have to be as open as some of the people here, but you don't have to hide from everyone either, just be picky about who you tell.

[Lee Andrews]

The only way to safely take it to the grave is to not partake in crossdressing anymore. If you still dress, it is only a matter of time before you slip up and it doesn't take much.

[Launa]

You can always first tell the girl of your dreams and then you can shovel it under the rug after that if you want to. Its like having free insurance just in case you change your mind later in life.

[windycissy]

I love this question, and the usual "one size fits all" answer of, "Yes! Yes! You must tell!" That's surely good advice for some, but not for everybody, and like you, I for one enjoy having and keeping secrets...

[Barbara Ella]

The only thing that is certain is uncertainty. Only you can or will know whether or not you tell anyone. Situations and feelings change over time. It is best not to make promises in concrete. This can lead to you feeling bad when you begin to question what you decided. Just know, as others have said, if you continue to dress, you will be found out at some time in your life by someone It will be your decision at some future time whether someone close to you would be better off knowing, or having a secret kept from them.

Barbara

[giuseppina]

Hello Nikki

Never is a very long time.

I personally would find it substantially less stressful to disclose this to a potential partner when I see that there is more to the relationship than friendship. If she heads for the hills, it's better for you both, as it will be a point of confict and distrust if she finds out on her own. Both of you will be better served by your partner knowing about your dressing. It's a trust issue.

There is a thread in the Loved Ones section about secrecy and the problems it causes for the other partner in your relationship. The focus is on a GG being the other partner, but it applies equally to a same-sex relationship:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?90231-Not-telling-lies-and-hiding-things-from-a-GG-s-POV

If you find someone you think you might want to spend the rest of your life with, this long-closed thread is a good guide to sharing:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?13841-How-to-tell-your-partner&highlight=

SissyStephanie and I are from generations that, as a rule, poorly understand and accept kinks like ours. Neither of us had the benefit of freely and anonymously available information on the subject at your age. It's my impression that your generation is more tolerant. While there is the occasional malicious ex-partner that will blab our secret, all you have to say in response to a question of this nature is "Disgruntled Ex" without further responding if you so choose.

[Jocelyn Quivers]

I tried living with that mindset during my late teens and early 20's. Even when I came to the realization that I will always be a CD, I still kind of held on the notion I would tell not one soul for the rest of my life, let alone join some CD forum, and start plastering pictures of myself on the site. Of course you can see how well that turned out in my case. All I can say is I wish you the best of luck to you in your endeavor!!:2c:

[MsJanessa]

Were I you, I would try to find a "wife of my dreams" who was accepting, even enthusiastic, of my cding---they are not common but they are out there---It's a lot easier to share with someone who you are close to then try to keep it a secret.

[suit]

never is imposable, 5 years from now is uncalucaltable. so is 3.5 years. sme old rules treat others like you would like to be treated, no lies, no deceate no one is perfect, we only live long by having children.

[Lorileah]

So it is 30 years from now. You are no longer around. Your wife of 30 years now has the unpleasant task of going through your things. She finds your stuff. She is already hurt but now she has a new problem. You lied to her. Maybe just this thing but she now builds it into a lot more. She wonders why you didn't trust her. She wonders if there was another woman (or man). She wonders what else you hid. Maybe you had a bank account she doesn't know about...maybe you have children she doesn't know about...maybe you were not he man she thought she knew. Was there some reason you didn't trust her? She trusted YOU. She always went to you for her problems, for things she did. She thought you were her soul mate but now THIS! Yes, she will probably get over MOST of it but there will always be that little voice...he didn't trust you, he didn't have faith in you, he lied, he cheated he kept secrets...

Yeah I'd play it your way. Heck who knows you may go first and find out SHE has children you don't know about....(and yes I speak from experience)

[Cynthia Anne]

I say if you die young enough then mission accomplished! It would be a long boring and sad life to keep such a thing to yourself for ever! I wouldn't wish that on my worse enemy! [Just the way I see it]

[Jenniferathome]

I thought exactly the same thing right up until I told my wife. There is no greater relief than confiding in the one you love with such a secret

[AnitaH]

Forever is a long time and I would agree with others here. The only way to be certain that this secret goes with you to the grave is to never, never do it. The rest of your life is a long time to take a gamble that you will not be discovered if you do dress. Every time you cross-dress or even look in the woman's clothing section you run the risk of someone finding out. There are members here that never meant to tell anyone but were somehow accidentally found out. But only you can make that decision.

AnitaH

[Elsa Larson]

Does taking it to the grave mean that every bit of evidence of your crossdressing will POOF out of existence when you do? Or will your family discover your secret once you are gone?
A bigger issue than the crossdressing is the violation of honesty and trust when we enter marriage without disclosing our gender issues.

[Lee Andrews]

Law of averages. You will be caught, just a matter of time. I thought that way at one point but finally decided this was part of me that will not go away. I figured whomever I got close to needed to know about this before it went to far. I told my now wife a year into our relationship and was prepared to lose her right there and then. I didn't, she knows and has her ups and downs with it but I don't need to hide from her.

[heatherdress]

Why wouldn't you want to be able to tell your wife? Wouldn't it be terrific if you were able to share your crossdressing with a partner who enjoyed your happiness when dressed? I am fortunate to be married to a woman who fully enjoys my crossdressing. It's different if you fall in love with someone who has problems with your dressing. But make your decisions and commitments when you have to.

[Chickhe]

I do...in some ways. I let some of my female character out sometimes and do some experimenting with gender in private and I have mixed personal feelings which I will never try to explain to anyone close to me...they just would not get it. So, parts of me I don't share and other parts I do, and I feel very comfortable with that and I have accepted who I am and nobody knows what I'm thining, so I can have a fun time just being me in my own mind. I say, don't sweat it, just show others what you are comfortable with and they don't need to know why.

[GeminaRenee]

Glad to hear that you've at least come to accept cd'ing a little more as a part of you. But, like others have said... you might find that you'll change your mind sooner or later about telling someone.

Chances are good that you'll meet someone that's a decent enough, intelligent enough, and reasonable enough human being to share this part of you with. It may be a friend that you get to go shopping for shoes with. Or maybe you'll get lucky and find a lover who's thrilled by it. You just never know what people will come into your life.

When I was your age, I was pretty sure that I would never tell anyone. Except, that sucked. Maybe, just agree to keep it a secret for now, and not worry about making any big lifetime decisions[I] just yet, hey? (:

One thing I would encourage you to reconsider is the idea that you'll never tell your dream-girl/wife... if someone can't accept that part of you, maybe she's not really the right person for you anyhow. And if you keep a secret like that and it gets out -whoo wee! Just look through the many threads in this forum that exist as testament to the damage that such deception can wreak. Besides, you expect to share a house with a woman and just hide something like this? You are just asking to get caught, I'd say. Dishonesty with a life partner is never, [I]never a good option.

(:

[Kimberlyfaye]

Like others have said, sooner or later you will have to tell someone. I've been there, done that, got the crop top. I never told anyone until I met my SO. Now a few people know and I'm close to telling my mother. All this because I've accepted this part of me and I have a partner and friends who accept me too. Everyone has even said I make a better girl than boy. It is your choice whether or not to keep this your secret but it may end up being much worse should your partner ever find out another way. How would you explain the panties or stockings when she finds them?

[linda allen]

I thought I could never tell anyone, especially my wife. Below is a link to how this changed. There are updates and additions if you search on my name:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?170479-Changes-at-the-Allen-Household&highlight=

[Karren H]

That's what I thought too.... before my wife found out.... and before I started going out enfemme..... before I discovered this place..... boom.....

[Erica2Sweet]

Hi Nikki. This one comes from both me and my wife who is sitting here next to me as I type...

Often times what happens is that the burden of keeping the secret leads to other emotional issues which manifest within the relationship. I know that it was impossible for me to be in a healthy relationship during those years I was in the closet. The guilt and shame just weighed too heavy on me and it manifested in ways that caused me to not be able to form proper attachments to others and maintain relationships. I drastically undervalued my connections to women because I subconsciously knew I wasn't being fully honest with them about me and who I was.

Let's face it. When you keep large secrets, part of you has its guard up 24/7. Our SOs tend to notice this.

The moral of the story is: While it sounds like a good idea on paper to take your secret to the grave, you're most likely setting yourself up for a lot of unnecessary heartache. What's the point in committing to a relationship if you're not even willing to be honest and open?

[STACY B]

Take it to the Grave ? LOL,,,, The young ones ,,, Always get a Kick out of those young an still living in Fantasy Land ,,, Dont get me wrong I love Fantasy Land to wish I could have stayed there ,,With my Sack of pantyhose an my collection of Hooker Heels ,,,, Maybe a skirt or two couple of bra's .. All fit nicely in one bag an could take it out EVERY ONCE in a while maybe just to look or try on an then put them back in there Hiding place for sake keeping next time SHE came along . This thread brings back Memory's of long ago ,, Good ones ,,, But it's not the people you have to worry about after you get older it's YOU ! OHHH YEA YOU ,,, After the new wears off ya Dream Wife ,, An ya see her dressed EVERYDAY an that little sting ya feel time an time again an when she gets all gussied up to go out an YOU CAN'T ... Thats the grave calling ,,, Then try an keep that secrete ?

[Beverley Sims]

I think it will be sad if you NEVER confide in ANYONE.
More than likely you will be found out and then have to explain your actions.
However it happens it will be a release for you and life will get better.
It appears you are just starting out on your adventure and I wish you the best of luck in your explorations.
No, do not ever tell no one.
Sharing it with a support group can be satisfying.
Keep reading for more guidance.

[Renee W]

The title of this thread really struck home with me. After my SO found out a year ago, I confessed to her that one of the biggest worries and stressors I had was how she would feel or what she would think if something happened to me and she found my stuff after I had passed.

Ever since I had my heart attack, that had always been a major thing on my mind. Imagine how you would feel if you found that sort of stuff after your spouse had passed away and you didn't have a chance to get any answers or explaination. Your mind would be just blown away. Imagine your spouse finding your stuff after you pass, not by herself, but with your children or friends helping her.

I'm glad my wife knows, that my stuff is not hidden any more and she loves me for who I am.

[Cheryl T]

I was 99.99% sure I could keep it hidden from everyone. I did a pretty good job for lots and lots of years till I made one simple mistake and forgot to throw out the trimmings of a picture of myself in the trash someplace other than home. Well, that one mistake was all it took and my wife found it. Long story short I had to show her and we talked and talked but the time wasn't right.
Back into the closet and told her I had stopped...Uh Huh...sure....yeah right...
Well years later it was all just too much and I had to be able to be me. So I told her that I still dressed and needed to in order to be me completely. We talked again, came her (she's now a member too) and luckily she has fully accepted me.

We all think we can stop! We all think we can keep it hidden!
Whether it's a subconscious need to be discovered or something else...maybe just bad luck. Someday, somewhere, somehow a mistake will happen. When it does all that 99% will fade away and the 1% will be brought to light.
Secrets just have a way of not being secrets anymore.... :2c:

[linda allen]

....... Imagine your spouse finding your stuff after you pass, not by herself, but with your children or friends helping her.

As bad as that would be, you would be dead and not have to face them. Suppose you had a heart attack, stroke, or just an accident while dressed and didn't die. Suppose you end up in rehab or a nursing home and your stuff is found because you didn't have a chance to get rid of it. :eek:

I feel so much more at ease now with my wife knowing about my dressing even though I haven't told her about the past or the few times I went out in public. It's just such a relief not worrying about getting caught.

[Erica2Sweet]

...It's just such a relief not worrying about getting caught.

Not to mention how good it is to honor our SO by being willing and able to be honest within the relationship, because its not all about us and how we feel. :)

[Confetti]

Dolls as Ladies:

My two dear cd friends have asked me to be their contact if they pass away. I was first put off to think of losing them, but now I understand.Like my dad he had a few items he would have loved to be buried in. I promised she would be creamated in pantyhose, my other doll's wife saidshe would roll over in her grave if anyone found out. I am his emergency contact and stash keeper.

[Marleena]

So it is 30 years from now. You are no longer around. Your wife of 30 years now has the unpleasant task of going through your things. She finds your stuff. She is already hurt but now she has a new problem. You lied to her. Maybe just this thing but she now builds it into a lot more. She wonders why you didn't trust her. She wonders if there was another woman (or man). She wonders what else you hid. Maybe you had a bank account she doesn't know about...maybe you have children she doesn't know about...maybe you were not he man she thought she knew. Was there some reason you didn't trust her? She trusted YOU. She always went to you for her problems, for things she did. She thought you were her soul mate but now THIS! Yes, she will probably get over MOST of it but there will always be that little voice...he didn't trust you, he didn't have faith in you, he lied, he cheated he kept secrets...

Yeah I'd play it your way. Heck who knows you may go first and find out SHE has children you don't know about....(and yes I speak from experience)

This post by Lorileah should make anybody think twice before trying to keep it a complete secret. Lots to think about there..

[Kimberlyfaye]

"Secrets have a cost, they're not for free."

Just a line from a movie, but a very true line.

[kimdl93]

Nikki, forever is a long, long time. Part of your determination to keep this a secret is a reflection of the difficulty you're having accepting yourself. Perhaps some day you may accept yourself and stop believing the negative self-talk that goes along with self-loathing. If that day comes, you may no longer want to hide yourself.

I felt very much the same way at one point. My first wife discovered how much I enjoyed CDing when she asked me to dress up as part of a little bedroom play. The cat was out of the bag. But she didn't reject me - but rather embraced it as a unique and fun extra in our marriage. Trouble was, I still had this ingrained self loathing...and wasn't able to break free of it until I got therapy. My therapist finally was able to help me see that ...in her words "this is not a crime. Its nothing to be ashamed of."

Please don't see yourself as flawed or corrupted. Being a CDr is no horrible secret that you must bear in silence.

[Joanne f]

It really depends on how much it is a part of you , if it is just a small part that you like to do every so often for fun or to enjoy the clothes then you might be happy to keep it a secret and in some circumstances even wise to do so and i am sure that when i was your age I felt like that , but (always that but):D if it is a big part of you and you feel that you need it to show and feel your feminine side it will be hard to keep it a secret as it will have a controlling effect on you whether you like it or not so it would be wiser to embrace that sooner rather than later as the sooner you know how you stand with people the better it will be for you in the long run .
If it is a big part of you the only thing you will take to the grave is your never ending battle to control it unless you just let it be an open part of you .

[Stephanie47]

I dabbled in cross dressing as a teen and felt like a pervert. That's the way it was in the 1960's. Now, I fully accept myself. However, even though my wife is aware of my cross dressing, I will not throw it in her face. My cross dressing started out a bedroom play (negligee and stockings) with participation with my wife. That ended when she and I realized there was more to my desires, i.e., cross dressing. Would I do things differently, if I was in my twenties and not married? Maybe!

I would not write off a relationship with a woman because of cross dressing. I would recommend, if you're in a very conservative area of the country, you should relocate when possible to a more gender friendly area- San Francisco, Seattle, and there are many others. That may put you more at ease, if your interests are discovered. You cannot hide from everyone for the next sixty years. I would recommend, if you find a woman who you are comfortable with, you should tell her. She has the right to accept or reject or limit participation. If she accepts you because of your basic positive traits, she may accept your cross dressing. You and her could establish boundaries and limitations. Frankly, it is better to have loved and be loved, than to never have loved or been loved at all.

[nikki626]

I understand where everyone is coming from. I'm only 20, and I know that the majority of you have much more experience than me in most areas of life. But this is the situation that I dread and fear. What if one day I find "her". That one dream girl you always pictured. She loves everything about me, and I love everything about her. It's almost like a match made in heaven. Except for the fact that I'm a cd. That's the one thing that she can't accept, and that dream girl disappears from my life forever. Many of you may say "She wasn't your dream girl if she couldn't accept the cd part of you." But in my head, it'll always be what if. What if I never said anything about. What if I had stopped crossdressing. Idk. These thoughts eat away at me daily.

[STACY B]

I understand where everyone is coming from. I'm only 20, and I know that the majority of you have much more experience than me in most areas of life. But this is the situation that I dread and fear. What if one day I find "her". That one dream girl you always pictured. She loves everything about me, and I love everything about her. It's almost like a match made in heaven. Except for the fact that I'm a cd. That's the one thing that she can't accept, and that dream girl disappears from my life forever. Many of you may say "She wasn't your dream girl if she couldn't accept the cd part of you." But in my head, it'll always be what if. What if I never said anything about. What if I had stopped crossdressing. Idk. These thoughts eat away at me daily.



You want to end up like alot of the chix on here ? Maybe you should exsplore your cding more ,,Then decide what ya want ,,Maybe your trans ? Ya never know ,,Your young ,, Dont wake up 30 years from now an find out ?

[Saffron]

My :2c:

Don't waste time thinking about the future. Your 30's/40's/etc self will surely think very different.

Focus on the things that make you happy, cause you only live once. You will find your way and maybe a soulmate who loves CDers :D

[Lorileah]

I'm only 20 hold that thought,
What if one day I find "her". That one dream girl you always pictured. She loves everything about me, and I love everything about her. It's almost like a match made in heaven. Except for the fact that I'm a cd. That's the one thing that she can't accept, and that dream girl disappears from my life forever. You sum it up in the next line
Many of you may say "She wasn't your dream girl if she couldn't accept the cd part of you." Back to the first hold that thought thing...life is a series of things that happen, you should never choose to not be who you are and to be happy yourself. Here is the "what if". What if you marry her and you wake up with the ugly step sister who now wants you to be something else you are not? Are going to stay? Would you be miserable because "what if"? Trust those of us who have been around. There are only 5 stories in the universe and the only thing that changes is the players. So many here took the "I don't think I will ever find anyone else I will settle for a few rules". Love does not set limits. Love accepts you for who you are. If you get premarital caveats, then it isn't true love. It is basically you doing what she wants. Would YOU set limits on her? There are hundreds here who took that scenario and now are either cowering in fear of being left or have been left behind because the Princess kept adding and changing the rules.
But in my head, it'll always be what if. What if I never said anything about. What if I had stopped crossdressing. Idk. These thoughts eat away at me daily. There are two things with each problem. Didn't Yoda say do or don't do? Your what ifs are biased. Think the opposite way. What IF you do take her on? What if you don't like it? What if you try and suppress it and it comes back and now she is ready to dump you? What if? Look up to the hold that thought. You are young, you have the opportunity to live as you feel you should. No regrets later. Do or do not do. But it is YOUR decision. How do you want to remember your life? As living it as others want because you are afraid? Or as saying "hey, there will be another bus soon and maybe it will go where I want to go...if not it will be an adventure anyway" Remember Love doesn't set limits or requirements. If it is love it will be no matter how you dress. Just tell her early so you both don't get trapped. Love does NOT leave

[TVAmanda]

You shouldn't get married or involved in a relationship without telling your SO at the start. It's not fair to deceive them about who you really are. If you want to keep it a secret AND get married then you will need to give up active crossdressing. If you want to keep it a secret but you stay single then no problem.

[Jorja]

My :2c:

Don't waste time thinking about the future. Your 30's/40's/etc self will surely think very different.

Focus on the things that make you happy, cause you only live once. You will find your way and maybe a soulmate who loves CDers :D

Just curious, what happens in your 50/60/70s? Are you not allowed to focus on what makes you happy?

[Amanda_P]

What I'm finding out on here is some women don't really mind us doing this. Some accually enjoy helping and being a part of your dressing. So don't say you will take it to the grave. Open up to the woman you want to spend some time with and go from there. She might just get a kick out of it.

[ReineD]

Nikki, did you by any chance read other threads here about the difficulties in some marriages because the wives don't accept, and did this discourage you?

So now you must read threads about wives who do accept. Maybe it will help you put all of this into perspective. Here are three pages of threads, and there have been many more: http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/tags.php?tag=supportive+so

Try not to project too much into the future, and also, don't limit yourself. When you meet your soul mate, you might be surprised at how your life will unfold. :)

[Saffron]

Just curious, what happens in your 50/60/70s? Are you not allowed to focus on what makes you happy?

I don't know I haven't been there yet :)

What I was trying to say is that we change our view of the world based on the experiences, so it's silly to try to organize your whole life when you cannot tell what will you want to do or what your tastes will be in a year from now.

[Cindy_Act]

If I had my time over, I would definately tell my wife to be about my CDing before I married her. I waited for 25 years before I said anything and that was a mistake I very much regret. Your wife to be is entitled to know about the man she marries, not the man she thinks she married. Fortunately for me, my wife is still with me and we have worked through a very difficult 5 years. Most of the issues have been about her not knowing who I am and what to expect. Life is a lot less complicated if you tell the truth in the beginning....Think about it...

[Moxie]

I just wrote in my thread that I would have preferred not to have known of my H's dressing before reading this interesting thread. But now I understand it's probably best he told me as you are right, I might have literally discovered this when he met his grave and when I think back to my discovery some five years ago, I imagine this would be equally distressing only my H is dead and I can't talk to him about it!

Just one small point that hasn't been mentioned (I don't think) and that's the stress I felt when my H finally revealed this side. I'm still anxious and resentful of the time spent keeping his secret. Because that's what telling a SO really means - passing the secret on to someone else and believe me, I felt as much stress as my H did all the years before. Telling a friend has helped, but I'm still anxious around family.

Just another side, for what it's worth. I figure you have all been fantastic at helping me! :)

[noeleena]

Hi,

If you can accept this & i hope you do.

Im a woman , who's 65, dont ever ever lie to me......

If you wont a partner & that means two that are one in every thing every detail in life to gether, then take my point .

Dont lie about your self .

You can have differences do different hobbys & like different things & yes have times apart. thats not the issue, its dont decive ...ME...

...noeleena...

[Beverley Sims]

If you don't tell someone there are a lot of questions and conjecture for those left behind.
Do they need to suffer the anguish of finding out later?

[sometimes_miss]

If the wife of your dreams even becomes your wife, what will happen if she finds out aboutt your CD activities? It would be better to tell her now, and let it be in the open. I told my late wife when I proposed to her, and we had almost 50 years together before cancer took her! My crossdressing was never a problem and she was very helpful to me. Trying to keep it a secret will cause all kinds of problems!!
The problem with this is, over 99% of women don't want any kind of intimate relationship with us. With those kinds of odds, if we are open about our crossdressing, there's a very good chance that we'll NEVER, EVER have any relationships at all. NONE. I grew up knowing that lots of women weren't interested, but I had no idea the scope of the problem we faced. And yes, my marriage crashed and burned; but do I regret taking a chance? No. I can count the relationships I've had on one hand, and at 50, am quite sure that if I had taken the 'tell first' approach, I'd not have had any at all.

That said, I knew that the very vast majority of women aren't attracted to guys who crossdress. When I've been in relationships, my crossdressing 'episodes' decreased sometimes to none at all for years. I had hoped to be able to continue that, of course, I was unsuccessful in that attempt. But I tried. I don't think I will ever have another romantic relationship; the best I can hope for, would be a female friend. I would carefully touch on the subject of crossdressing, and if she was against it, well, I'd probably just learn to live deep in the closet for the rest of my life. At least I'd have some friends that I can talk to, about something,anyway. The alternative of spending the rest of my life completely alone is too horrible to think about. So if it's in the closet I must stay, so be it. Takin' it to the grave.

[sarahcsc]

Although I'm having a hard time accepting myself for who I am, I've come to realization that there's a 99% chance my cd habits won't ever go away. Therefore, whether it be my mom, or the girlfriend/wife of my dreams, there's no way I'll ever expose this side of me. Are there any of you out there that are able keep this secret within you, and still be happy? I'm pretty determined to take this secret to the grave with me. I just want to know if there's anyone else that loves their life with their significant other and family, but wont ever expose the girl side of you. I know I'm young and all, but I highly doubt I'll tell this secret to anyone. anyone else have similar mindsets?

Nikki,

Dig this.

You don't choose your mother, hence there's no such thing as a perfect mother or a "mother of your dreams". But you do choose/find your perfect bride. And she ain't perfect if she couldn't accept what is essentially you. Its like saying this peanut butter is perfect in every way except it has no peanut in it.

That doesn't mean you have to tell her everything. Remember its all about how YOU feel about telling your partner. You can feel comfortable excluding your CDing from your marriage and nobody should penalize you for that except most girls find it appalling that their man keep secrets from them. (I mean they're generally happy if you keep pleasant surprises ie. Planning for months a secret vacation but not crossdressing) Hence it is a lot of trouble to keep your CDing life separate from your marriage.

You may feel ok in the first couple months or years... but I wonder how tired you'd feel after hiding something for 20 years... By then, what you thought was the perfect woman, may not be so perfect after all. :brolleyes:

And Nikki...

Don't worry about finding the perfect girl. Not many of us do anyways, crossdressers or not. You have to learn how to tolerate and accept a life of solitude the same way you'd have to learn how to tolerate and accept a life shared with someone else. The challenges may be different, but they are challenges nonetheless.

Here's a hug from an older sis. :hugs:

^_^

Love,
Sarah

[michellecd9999]

I looked at your profile and saw you are only 20. I don't know if I was 20 in today's world if I would tell or not. I can say that I am 56, married 33 years. No one other than some other CDers and make over providers know. No one who knows my male side knows I CD. I too will keep it that way as long as I can. You will have to determine if your parents or friends will be accepting of this activity. As far as a spouse, I love my wife and I know she would not be accepting. I can dress when she is not around. yes it is some burden to carry that only I know, but that is my cross to bear. As you date I would probably test the waters with the females. If you find one that accepts, good for you, but many, if most do not so be prepared. You don't have to come fully out to figure out how they will react - just test by asking to wear something of hers or joking around, or seeing a show with a CD character and see how she reacts towards that. Only you will be able to decide who if anyone you should tell.

[Lorileah]

Im a woman , who's 65, dont ever ever lie to me...

Dont lie about your self .



My mantra for the day. This should be a sign :)


The problem with this is, over 99% of women don't want any kind of intimate relationship with us. With those kinds of odds, if we are open about our crossdressing, there's a very good chance that we'll NEVER, EVER have any relationships at all. NONE.

I have won the lottery...twice. I rarely find a woman who isn't at least interested if not on board. The thing is they have to like (love) YOU as a person. You want a hook up or just a fling...no they won't. But maybe I am the odd one here. I had a wife of 28 years and GF of 15. Both accepted me as me. So sorry everyone I stole two out of the 1%. (PS I have had at least three women show interest since my GF died a year ago...it is me who is putting it off)

[ReineD]

The thing is they have to like (love) YOU as a person.

This is key and very true!

And it also depends on the degree of living femme. More women will accept the CDing than a husband who wishes to transition. And among the CDers, more women will accept someone who has a genuine balance between guy and girl modes, vs. someone who is a "reluctant male" meaning he only dresses in guy mode for work.

It's all relative. But to say that 99% of women will leave a CDer simply isn't true, especially if she loves her partner. I don't know how to measure how many women prioritize traditional gender values compared to those who are willing to live outside the box, so I can't say whether it is 30/70, 50/50, or 70/30. But it is considerably more than 99/1. :)

[GeminaRenee]

The problem with this is, over 99% of women don't want any kind of intimate relationship with us. With those kinds of odds, if we are open about our crossdressing, there's a very good chance that we'll NEVER, EVER have any relationships at all. NONE.

Where do you get your figures? I think that's just the kind of thing we like to tell ourselves to prepare for defeat. Me, I've had 3 significant relationships in my life. One of those women was incredibly open to it, supportive of it, and wanted to be involved in it. So I'm batting .333 right there. On top of that, two women I've had flings with have made offhanded comments about putting me in panties, or checking out Janet's Closet as we drove by - and I've not pursued such leads because those women frankly weren't appealing enough in other aspects of personality to warrant opening up my closet to them. And on top of that, I met a married woman this past weekend who found my dressing absolutely scintillating. In fact, she was encouraging her husband to shave his legs and try on my shoes by the end of the evening. So it would appear that I, too, am hogging all the riches. Or possibly, there are just more interested women out there than some of us would believe...

[Stefanie jones]

I will take this to the grave no way I can come out

[sometimes_miss]

This is key and very true!

And it also depends on the degree of living femme. More women will accept the CDing than a husband who wishes to transition. And among the CDers, more women will accept someone who has a genuine balance between guy and girl modes, vs. someone who is a "reluctant male" meaning he only dresses in guy mode for work.

It's all relative. But to say that 99% of women will leave a CDer simply isn't true, especially if she loves her partner. I don't know how to measure how many women prioritize traditional gender values compared to those who are willing to live outside the box, so I can't say whether it is 30/70, 50/50, or 70/30. But it is considerably more than 99/1. :)

Not sure if you were referring to what I wrote, but I didn't write that 99% would leave their partner. I wrote that 99% aren't interested in a guy who crossdresses, which is close to the statistic I've read in several surveys over the years (and I'd adjusted, because when actually confronted with it, about half those who said they'd be o.k. with it changed their mind, which I got from a therapist that I was seeing based on the experience that the crossdressers under treatment had told, as well as what I've read about guys here who had an initially supportive spouse who later changed her mind and decided she simply couldn't live with it). I don't know how many women who initially weren't aware of their husband's crossdressing and discovered it years later eventually left their husband, I haven't been able to find out what the actual numbers are for that, although it doesn't look promising in that department, either. And, I can't speak for other crossdressers; but when I was with my wife, the desire to crossdress wasn't anywhere near as intense as it is since I've been alone. For me, at least, it's spurred on by the desire for physical affection which is not being fulfilled, and I don't know how many other men go through this, because it's not something men usually are aware of, mostly because they're aware of their sex drive before the feeling of affection deprivation sets in, so they simply think they're horny instead. Then when the emptiness feeling returns after sex, again they simply think it's sex that they're missing. So it's going to be a real hard thing to measure objectively or subjectively.
And I don't think it's so much being able to balance the time spent as boy or girl that does it; I'm of the opinion that most women simply suffer from a sort of shock when they first discover their guy likes girl things at all, and it does something to kill the image she had of her 'knight', the stable, strong, masculine, image that she was attracted to can be damaged to the point where she's no longer sexually attracted to him. It really depends on how far they are in the marriage; at some point, sex isn't so much of an issue anymore, and companionship is more important, so I'm taking a guess that in much longer marriages, the wife may be willing to continue the marriage for that reason, as well as facing the only other possibility of becoming a single woman again at an age where it's very unlikely she'd find another mate. There's a lot going on there as the years go on, hence the concept of 'taking it to the grave'.

And i have to stand behind the 99% thing; finding women that are interested in a romantic relationship with a crossdresser is harder than finding a needle in a haystack. There are gay bars, and lesbian bars, but there are NO crossdresser-straight girl bars. Anywhere, as far as I know, other than the one a guy told me about in bangkok where you basically have a pick of prostitutes, not potential GG dating partners. The 'date a crossdresser' site is inhabited by 99.9 % men; it's hard to tell, because the crossdressers there list themselves as female. The few GG's shown as members are either taken, or shills to get people to pay the membership fee to message them back when they send a message of interest to you, and then they either don't return the second message or deny ever sending one.
Reine, Kali, or any other person who really believes you can find a whole lot of women who are really interested in dating a crossdresser, you want to get rich? Really, there are a lot of very nice, very desperate men here, and if you can find us mates, we'll be grateful to an extent to which you have no idea! Start a crossdresser-straight girl matchmaking service! And as soon as you have a large list of interested women (alright, even a small list!!!!), I'll be the first customer. Not only will you be rolling in the dough, but you'll be as loved as Mother Theresa!

[ReineD]

Not sure if you were referring to what I wrote, but I didn't write that 99% would leave their partner. I wrote that 99% aren't interested in a guy who crossdresses, which is close to the statistic I've read in several surveys over the years

No, I wasn't just referring to what you wrote. A lot of people say this on the site, that the vast majority of women are not interested in CDers. I just don't agree.

But a necessary ingredient though, is to have fallen in love first. If this is in place and the communication is good between both partners, and there has been no abuse of trust, I think that many (most?) women would accommodate the CDing, to varying degrees. And the opposite is true: if a wife has been lied to, if they don't communicate well about the CDing, if he does things like run to the computer when she leaves the room or buys clothing and hides it, or he can't wait until she's out of the house so he can dress, then it will be difficult for her to believe that he's into her as much if not more than the CDing. And this, more than the fact that he wears dresses, will turn her off.

Many of our members are happily married men who have supporting wives. I posted a link to three pages of threads about supportive wives, in my post #45.


I'm of the opinion that most women simply suffer from a sort of shock when they first discover their guy likes girl things at all, and it does something to kill the image she had of her 'knight', the stable, strong, masculine, image that she was attracted to can be damaged to the point where she's no longer sexually attracted to him.

I don't know if you realize this, but many of us know there is no such thing as a knight in shining armor, who will fight off the dragons while we stand waiting in our high towers. lol. The world has changed. Women are out there fighting their own dragons. They have an equal voice in their relationships. Sometimes, it is even their husbands who care for the kids, because they've lost their jobs and the wife makes more money.

Also, the reason that a chunk of women don't want to pursue relationships with CDers if they find out about it before they fall in love, is simply because they are misinformed about what it is really all about. Most people think it is some sort of fetish and that CDers are gay.

You mention there are not many TG bars to meet women. If I were you, I wouldn't look for prospective partners in bars to begin with. Just go out there and live your life, be social, make friends, make friends of friends. Meeting the right woman is strictly a numbers game. The more women that you physically meet, the greater your chances of finding THE ONE. You'll need to do this in guy mode though. If you feel compelled to do this in femme mode, then maybe you shouldn't be living your life as a guy, and you need to perhaps contemplate transition? Because it wouldn't make sense to be a guy just to meet a woman and then spring on her that you want to be a woman full time. There's a difference between a genuine balance between male & female modes, and being a reluctant male. The women who support the CDing do not support so easily, a mate who is not also happy being a male. And I do agree there are not many hetero women who wish to be in relationships with transwomen.

[AllisontheGoddess]

Although I'm having a hard time accepting myself for who I am, I've come to realization that there's a 99% chance my cd habits won't ever go away. Therefore, whether it be my mom, or the girlfriend/wife of my dreams, there's no way I'll ever expose this side of me. Are there any of you out there that are able keep this secret within you, and still be happy? I'm pretty determined to take this secret to the grave with me. I just want to know if there's anyone else that loves their life with their significant other and family, but wont ever expose the girl side of you. I know I'm young and all, but I highly doubt I'll tell this secret to anyone. anyone else have similar mindsets?

I understand completely how you feel , but to be honest I would feel regret on my deathbed if I knew that I wasn't being 100% with those I love when I died. My suggestion would be to tell at least 1 person before your time is up. Who that person would be would be completely up to you (your bff, mom, sister, coworker, etc). I feel as though when you leAve this earth you should always have someone to tell your story after you're gone. If your family truly loves you (which I'm sure they do) it wouldn't matter whAt you were into, just that you were there child and you were one hell of a person.

[Stephanie47]

I have to respectfully disagree with Reine. The vast majority of women do not want to have anything to do with cross dressing men. There is an inherent problem with sites like this one. It can be summed up as "Birds of a feather, flock together." Yes, there are many here who can state the level of acceptance or non acceptance by their wives and girlfriends. Perspective is lost on any issue when all the participants are adherents to the philosophy.

Yes, my wife knows of my cross dressing. We have gotten past the state of discussion and entered the DADT phase. I know her position. She know mine. If I pass on before her, no problem disposing of my femme wardrobe. If she passes before me, well, I'll have to make another plan.

Years ago I listened to a conversation between my wife and her cousin. They were discussing the plight of a co-worker of the cousin, who found out her husband was a cross dresser. Horrors! The world is ending. Off to the divorce court. That little fly on the wall discussion kind of set the pace for why I was not too forthcoming with my wife. Yes, we had dabbled with lingerie bedroom play. When she and I realized the scope of my interest, it was no longer bedroom play. It was cross dressing-ugh!!!

I really do NOT buy into the idea that it is a breech of trust issue with women. It is the fact the vast majority of women and society think cross dressing is a social taboo. I fully agree with the GG's who say they may be amused and curious of men who present as women, but, he ain't my hubby.

It takes many years of a truly good relationship for a woman to weigh the pluses and minuses of being married to a cross dresser. DADT sometimes is the best that can be expected. The issue that is arising with DoorMat is his insisting on expanding DM role in his behavior.

Almost every DADT wife on the site is petrified of the potential outing of hubby to friend, family and neighbors. You need to ask them why. I already know the answer.

Somewhere above, I indicated there may be some reason for DoorMat hubby to want to expand her role in his cross dressing. I would not expect a DADT cross dresser to suddenly push his issues in her face. Why? Is there stress at the job? Does he feel emasculated by her successful career, while his is languishing? Is there some issue of his from prior to marriage that is now surfacing? Is there some other woman or man on the side, so pushing the cross dressing in her face is an exit strategy from the marriage? I don't know.

If I was DoorMat I would try to ask hubby why is it necessary to push it in her face at this time. Honey, why are you doing this? Why do you want me to participate?

For myself, I cannot conceive of an instance or reason I would push my cross dressing into my wife's face.

[Mikaela]

About 2 years ago was when I went out the first time. I kept my hidden self a secret and pretty much said those exact words. I'm still very private and close-lipped about it, but I've told (outside of the immediate Los Angeles community) in this order:
1. My girlfriend, who I met at a TG club
2. My ex-wife, because we're still on good terms and I needed her advice on something relationship wise and to get that before I started dating my girlfriend.
3. A co-worker. She was going on about an ex she met who was in to TS women. Since I knew she did amateur porn, I told her. I no longer work with her, but she still thinks I'm hot. LOL
4. An old male friend. Very conservative good old boy, however, him and his wife swing, so I knew there'd be no judgement (even if the gender stuff is unrelated to sex, it's the first thought for most people)
5. My mom. I did that in April. Turned out well. I just saw mom and dad last week for the first time in 3 years, so that was good, although this did not come up at all.
6. An old friend who I co-owned a hobby store with. He's gay and I made a comment on FB to him that could have been taken multiple ways regarding GLBT support, so I clarified to him what I was in private message.

Being bi-gender/non transitioning TG means that for some people, they don't need to know that side of me. We all wear masks for different reasons. But knowing that the people who I value their opinion know the real me, has relieved some stress and ensures that when they give me advice, they have a better picture.

[crunchysoda]

This is key and very true!

And it also depends on the degree of living femme. More women will accept the CDing than a husband who wishes to transition. And among the CDers, more women will accept someone who has a genuine balance between guy and girl modes, vs. someone who is a "reluctant male" meaning he only dresses in guy mode for work.

It's all relative. But to say that 99% of women will leave a CDer simply isn't true, especially if she loves her partner. I don't know how to measure how many women prioritize traditional gender values compared to those who are willing to live outside the box, so I can't say whether it is 30/70, 50/50, or 70/30. But it is considerably more than 99/1. :)

Well I cant speak for a cd'er only a gg that is married to a cd'er.
I especially agree w/Reine.
I think it depends on your degree of cd'ing.
IMO if someone wants to transition that's way more than being a cd'er.

I think if my so wanted to dress fulltime I probably wouldnt handle it so well.
I dont mind that it's a "fetish", that for me is easier to handle than if he wanted to really be a woman. If it is part fetish part true gender identity I can handle that too as long as he still "loves being a dude", w/just a bit extra.

I found out about my so's cd'ing by accident or maybe it was accidently on purpose? I opened up a package that had some books about cding. I almost never open packages that have his name on them but I was expecting a package as well and for whatever reason I opened it!

Ill admit I certainly didnt go looking for a man that cd's and Ive always known there was/is something "quirky" different/special about my so, and there still is, cding aside.

I can tell you it scared the crap out of me and sometimes it still does, I still have unanswered questions and questions I am not even sure how to put into words.
We havent really pursued the cding lifestyle as a couple, it's complicated. :heehee:
Plus we have a toddler and that throws you for a whirl, babies tend to do that lol.

Anyway, as a whole I learned that my so is still the person I fell in love with. It broke my heart that he held onto this secret and still holds onto most of it, I mean weve been together for nearly seven years and Ive known for nearly five of those years, Im still here.

I belong to another forum and a woman posted that she found out that her so likes to wear women underwear and how she was devastated and she wasnt coping so well. Most of the women responded that that didnt change who he was and that it wasnt a deal breaker.
My guess is underwear is probably just the beginning but I didnt comment at all since it's not my place to talk about my dh's secret on totally different type of board.

My so was in his early 30's when I found out. I am the only person that knows, my guess is, the only reason more people dont know is because he's never really allowed anyone else to get close enough to him for them to find out. He has not had many relationships and all other relationships before me lasted no more than six months. He is also my longest and hopefully last relationship, but Ive had some serious relationships before him as well.

I understand your fear, it is a valid one, but even if you are able to keep it, to think it wont affect your relationship as a whole in a negative way seems very naive.

My so still has many walls and in all honesty he seems angry and sad and I think that him holding back who he is (even just from me) has a lot to do with it. It's not allowing him to heal and just "breath" and that does something to a person.
I need him to be happy, if he's not happy then it's hard for the rest of us to truly be happy.
He's complicated and I know that, I just really hope he's willing to share all of it or as much as possible w/me so we can be better and stronger as people and individuals and as a couple.

I also think that since I have instinctually felt him holding back I do the same w/myself, Im afraid to just be me, in fear of rejection.
So weve been going around this same crappy non communication circle for a long long long time, and it's eating away.

I will be the first to admit that yeah cding isnt my thing but what is my thing is my so sharing w/me what turns him on. The intimacy sharing something that he's held onto, trusting me, that does turn me on.

Anyway that's my experience as far as being the gg in the relationship.

[ReineD]

I also think that since I have instinctually felt him holding back I do the same w/myself, Im afraid to just be me, in fear of rejection.


Yeah. This happens a lot. Sad, isn't it. :hugs:

And then CDers wonder why, when they do eventually open up to their wives years down the line, they discover their wives have moved on emotionally from the relationship.

[Jorja]

You mention there are not many TG bars to meet women. If I were you, I wouldn't look for prospective partners in bars to begin with. Just go out there and live your life, be social, make friends, make friends of friends. Meeting the right woman is strictly a numbers game. The more women that you physically meet, the greater your chances of finding THE ONE. You'll need to do this in guy mode though. If you feel compelled to do this in femme mode, then maybe you shouldn't be living your life as a guy, and you need to perhaps contemplate transition? Because it wouldn't make sense to be a guy just to meet a woman and then spring on her that you want to be a woman full time. There's a difference between a genuine balance between male & female modes, and being a reluctant male. The women who support the CDing do not support so easily, a mate who is not also happy being a male. And I do agree there are not many hetero women who wish to be in relationships with transwomen.

I just wanted to comment on something Reine said here.
Most of my life I have been a social butterfly. It is very easy for me to walk up to a complete stranger strike up a conversation and be old friends before it is completed. I am sure we all know someone like that. Even during my transition, you know that ugly period, I would do this. Its just the way I am.

Reine is correct, if you are wanting to meet women a bar is not really the place. Go out in to this big wide world and talk to people. Talk to anyone and everyone. Like Renie said, meeting the right woman is strictly a numbers game. The more you meet the better your chances. I cannot tell you how many times a woman has shown interest in me as a guy, as a transsexual, and as a woman as I progressed along the spectrum. She is also correct saying there's a difference between a genuine balance between male & female modes, and being a reluctant male. If you sit on your couch feeling sorry for yourself, it is never going to happen. Once you do find her, show her as much attention in male mode as you would in female mode.

Good Luck