Why bother?

[Anne2345]

Why am I doing any of this? Day in and day out, it’s always the same. It’s always bullshit. So why do I even bother? What’s the point? Does it even matter? I don't know. I feel like crying right now. Except that I am too tired . . . .

[Frances]

Transitioning or living?

[kimdl93]

Oh, why not? It's just as valid a question. Since in the end everything is likely to vanish when the last iron atoms decay some 15 billion years from now...unless of course th rate of cosmic expansion reverses and all of existence
collapses into a massive black hole. In either case it's all bullshit...so do what you want, what you care about, what you need to do- because in the eventual end, nothing else matters. Literally, nothing else matters.

[Myojine]

Why am I doing any of this? Day in and day out, it’s always the same. It’s always bullshit. So why do I even bother? What’s the point? Does it even matter? I don't know. I feel like crying right now. Except that I am too tired . . . .

Because it is in our human spark to survive and find which should be rightfully ours.

[ReneeT]

Why am I doing any of this? Day in and day out, it’s always the same. It’s always bullshit. So why do I even bother? What’s the point? Does it even matter? I don't know. I feel like crying right now. Except that I am too tired . . . .


Honestly, Anne, i hope you are seeing a therapist. While this may be a convenient place to vent, and that's good, we really can't help you much. And, if your recent posts are even half reality, you need it... Please connect with someone

[PaulaAnn]

My word Anne;you are in a world of hurt.I'm not a professional in matters like this but here's my take on it. Listen to your friends on this site, seek some sort of professional help please.
Take a look around this world ...there are many people way worse off than you are,they have sweet F all,you have people who care right here,people willing to help you along. to me ,you are all negative thinking ...get over to the positive,there are always alternatives to lying in the dust ,pissing and moaning about the bad things. I was in the same position you are in , but I hauled my sorry ass up and started to move forward and sort myself out .I thought I was alone too, but girl ,you have friends all around you. It's up to you my dear,only you can get up and change your future,or are you going to roll over and give up ....I think not !! you have more sand in you than you know ...get moving !!
I was at the point where I had the muzzle of a .577/.450 in my mouth .........if I can sort myself out ,you can too. Good luck to you.
Paula.

[Inna]

YEP, why the heck do we go on, I was and at times still am seeking that question. As the matter of fact, While returning home from a fiasco of a week long job, I was crying all the way back home and asking just the same question!

I do because of the love I have experienced along the path, these sparks of hope are what keeps my sorrow from collapsing upon my self into oblivion.
Lets face it, You do it too, otherwise you wouldn't be here to share your pain with us!
Nothing wrong with pain, except its painful :)

And to end it all........well I have tried and came out with understanding that to end is really to release yet again just from bonds of this place into some other form of consciousness.....or not. And if so then what we experience in such a short time here would be considered a rather precious little venture regardless of circumstances.
To love at least once, to joy in happiness, loose one self in ecstasy, faint into painful spasms of sorrow, shed a tear for one self, ask questions, throw a fit..................
And then it is all over, not a girl, not a boy, not a thing, no reference to the glimpse of what once was, omnipotent immenseness of nothingness but truth.........

[Krististeph]

Why?

Despite all the pain, that new little Calvin Klein sundress in the closet looks SO cute....

[Anne2345]

Honestly, Anne, i hope you are seeing a therapist. While this may be a convenient place to vent, and that's good, we really can't help you much. And, if your recent posts are even half reality, you need it... Please connect with someone

Yeah. I get it. And you're right - you all can't help that much. I just feel really alone today, down, and like I have little or no control over anything. I'm having one of those "I wish I would never have been born" type of days. You all have had them. You know exactly what I am talking about. And really, I don't know why I even bothered with this stupid, ****ing, idiotic, weak-ass, feeling sorry for myself post. I should've just let the whole shitty thing be, minded my own business, let you all be, and just moved the **** on. But I didn't, and I apologize for that.

If I could delete this thread, I would. If any mod out there happens to see this post, please feel free to delete at will.

[STACY B]

Yeah. I get it. And you're right - you all can't help that much. I just feel really alone today, down, and like I have little or no control over anything. I'm having one of those "I wish I would never have been born" type of days. You all have had them. You know exactly what I am talking about. And really, I don't know why I even bothered with this stupid, ****ing, idiotic, weak-ass, feeling sorry for myself post. I should've just let the whole shitty thing be, minded my own business, let you all be, and just moved the **** on. But I didn't, and I apologize for that.

If I could delete this thread, I would. If any mod out there happens to see this post, please feel free to delete at will.



Dam girl your tripping ,,,Settle down ,,Maybe ya need a Val-yum ,,,, Just settle down ,,, She is just trying to help you ,,,Come on Love Bug ,,,, Give us a Sugar !!

[whowhatwhen]

Yeah. I get it. And you're right - you all can't help that much. I just feel really alone today, down, and like I have little or no control over anything. I'm having one of those "I wish I would never have been born" type of days. You all have had them. You know exactly what I am talking about. And really, I don't know why I even bothered with this stupid, ****ing, idiotic, weak-ass, feeling sorry for myself post. I should've just let the whole shitty thing be, minded my own business, let you all be, and just moved the **** on. But I didn't, and I apologize for that.

If I could delete this thread, I would. If any mod out there happens to see this post, please feel free to delete at will.

You know, I like your posts and I'm pretty damn sure that not only will you come out on top; but you will throw all of that BS right back in life's face.
:)

[Sara Jessica]

What I would give to help you experience life through the woman's eyes you clearly possess.

[EnglishRose]

Don't worry, Yes we've all been through it too. And you know what; it helps to vent, to just - even if just electronically - let it out.

[ReineD]

Anne, although no one can actually reach through your monitor to give you a real hug and promise to take all your problems away, it IS helpful to have a place to come to to dump your feelings. So you're having a sh*tty day. A lot of your peers here have had their share of sh*tty days as well.

I'm sending you some flowers. :love:

I like the idea of talking to a gender therapist though. Have you considered this?

[morgan51]

Anne I've had a s**** week as well but still look foward to better times and am trying to enjoy the journey lumps and all. Some rough spots make us appreciate the smooth passages the smiles and hugs. I've never grown when it was easy or nice . Growth always seem to come when its difficult and unpleasant. We all have em just your turn. Probably will be mine tomorrow. Feel free to pm me and vent anytime, its good to do! Hugs Morgan

[KellyJameson]

The mind and the brain dance together.

Our physical brain will affect our mind and our mind will affect our physical brain.

This is a interdependant relationship.

The physical brain is influenced by the foods we eat so diet will affect mood.
The physical brain is influenced by exercise so exercise will affect mood.
What affects the body/brain affects the mind and the inverse is true.

The physical brain for those with GID was not masculinized so remains female at birth even if the body was masculinized because the two happen independant of each other.

The mind cannot be something that the brain is not so you cannot think yourself into being male or female at the deepest level of identity, this is decided for you and it is not a choice.

Gender Identity is a mystery in that you can have the opposite identity from the one you "think" you have so you can call yourself a man or woman while your mind holds the opposite of the label you use to descibe yourself.

This is why identity is so dangerous because when the mind that "knows the truth" (physical brain) is in conflict with the mind that "thinks the truth" there is confusion, anxiety and inexplicable behavior.

What we "think" may or may not be true because it is a product of our mind but the physical reality of the brain is true by design.

Nothing made sense in my life until I realized that my brain identified as female regardless of what I "think".

I was living my life as a female pretending to be male so my thinking mind was trying to control
me the female.

The control is false, the female is true so I was trying to make fiction a reality which is not possible and so your life is put on hold while you work at trying to turn lead into gold.

Identity leaves evidence all over your life if you recognize the meaning behind what we are attracted to because who you are will decide what you are attracted to.

It goes deeper than wants because identity is a need that sanity (mental health) is dependant on.

What fascinates you?, where do you passions lay? What must you have to make life worth living?
Who do you move toward and who do you move away from?

Think about your lifelong attitudes toward the transgendered, attracted? repellled? curious? familar? indifferent?. We seek out our own kind subconsciously because we want to learn more about ourselves.

Everything is touched by gender identity, it is our first reality that everything else is built on.

Are you searching for a lost identity or is it something else?

Ask yourself this question. What problems in my life could I be having or had by being female but pretending to myself and others that I am not ?

What problems have I had from living a lie? When I looked at my own life as if I had been living a lie that is when it became very obvious to me.

[Jeanna]

Anne, living life as female and pretending to be male is torture at best. You know that but hey I know the feeling so here's a hug:hugs:

Lighten up, put on a nice dress and smile :)

[Melody Moore]

FFS, stop looking at only the negative dynamics of life, because from where
I sit I see lots of positive things to focus on that out-weight all the negatives,
and I believe that how we get through life, depends on what we focus on.

And why bother? Well I don't know why you are down, but I can think of plenty of
good reasons for carrying on. Next week I am going sailing with friends so that is
something I am really looking forward to, but I know that wouldn't be happening
if I was hibernating away from the world feeling sorry for myself. Life is there for
the taking IF you want to go out and get it. So what are you sitting there waiting for?

Good luck, I hope you get yourself out of this silly rut you seem stuck in soon xx

[Renee_E]

I live my down days because tomorrow is coming anyway. Sometimes tomorrow is so bad it makes the day before look like a good day and sometimes tomorrow is a fabulous day. I live today because I just might make someone elses day better. I live because sometimes I make a difference in someone elses life and then I feel on top of the world. I exist because I am intertwined in so many peoples life and never know how everything would have changed if I took a different path or just gave up completely.

When I am really down I try to look away from the Black Hole that is trying to suck me in and find any memory, music or sense of escape because I know the Black Hole wants me to focus on it so it can suck me down so deep there is no escape.

Sometimes I need to tell someone, anyone, " I am down in the dumps!" just so I can see that simple fact.

[melissaK]

Anne, Sweetie, major depression shouldn't be taken lightly. Go call an old a friend; call a therapist; stop in a doctors office. And don't be embarrassed for posting your feelings, because you are right, I think we all have had those kind of days; at least I have.

As far as the question you pose, why go on, tha'ts an existential meaning of life kind of question.

I don't recall the thread (fairly recent) or who posted it (one of the regulars), but she observed that after some 20 years on CD/transexual forums, she thought the difference between CD and TS was the TS are into analyzing the existential dillemma that wanting "to be" the opposite gender that our life presents, and CDs were more content with the conundrum and content to just act it out by wearing cross gender clothes. I thought she was right on with her observation. We TS are a philosphical and existential lot, often caught up in the meaning of life and what it means to live an "authentic" life. I think you are proving her point.

So after you call a friend, of therapist, or MD, maybe call the Community College and see if you can audit a philosophy class on existentialism. Or go rent Monty Python "The Meaning of Life" from Netflix. ;^)

But do keep going on because we like you. Your're one of us.

Hugs,
'lissa

[Kaitlyn Michele]

For the most part, i've given up posting on the forum, but i do check in from time to time to correspond with people and i noticed your message..

A long time ago, I had this friend... and i was in business school and i was stuck trying what to do with my degree and my life......i was going on and on about my plight...i was not able to move forward and decide anything...i was all over the place

he said to me...

"well what do you want to do?" ummm........

i still think about that comment alot. what a simple and powerful statement...but at the time, it was not helpful to me... i simply turned my indecison inwards..and i felt even more sorry for myself and i analyzed and obsessed over how i could ever know "what do i want to do??" what an awful predicament to have to decide what i wanted!!!!!!

This buddy of mine bore the brunt of all that as well...at one point i recall telling him how much his question troubled me..and how i was worse off not better..at that point he told me

"you need to get over yourself" OUCH....DOUBLE OUCH

but boy oh boy was he right...i had to take myself out of the equation before i could do what was best for me...sounds illogical right? but its not at all...its those feelings around our needs/desires that block us from actually achieving them..he was saying in his own punch in the face way that i needed to give up all the bs you are talking about and focus on what actually matters....you...

why bother?? gosh i don't know...how about all the people that love and care about you (regardless of how your GID impacts them).. how about the fact that you are a valuable and worthwile human being? how bout all the things that other posters have highlighted?

since your "want to do" is for all this to away..it especially applies because that's not a want to do at all...that's bs that clouds your mind... and as unfair, sad and scary that may be, at some point you have to get past that or this is your forever

you have to aim somewhere.

regardless of whether you aim for transition, a middle path or some kind of modest female expression, and regardless of whether you can see it now, if you can get over yourself and see some sunshine you can find ways to create positivity and meaning in your life...but only if you can get over yourself and decide what to do as your next step.

If i had a dollar for everytime i snuck into my basement and put on a bra or skirt for 10 minutes, or went into my trunk for a pair of women's flats to wear as i drove to work, i'd have at least $475

[Marleena]

Why am I doing any of this? Day in and day out, it’s always the same. It’s always bullshit. So why do I even bother? What’s the point? Does it even matter? I don't know. I feel like crying right now. Except that I am too tired . . . .

Why bother?, because you have a beautiful young daughter that needs you, and a loving wife.:) If you're not happy how can they be?

If I could I'd send you ever day a shiny blue sky full of hope.

There are some wonderful replies here...

[elizabethamy]

Anne, I feel it too. Last night I was listening to some Buddhist lecturer on the radio. And he said that we try so hard to find The Truth of the Universe but we can't because we are the truth. The light we see is not the light we are trying to walk toward, it is the light that emanates from us. All of us. (this is in the Kaitlyn Michele "get over yourself" vein, b/c we all are the light). So how does that make a better day? I don't know. I struggle every day with what I wish I could do (drop all this femininity stuff and embrace my wife and children and go back, go back, go back...) and what I know I have to do to stay alive (embrace said femininity to whatever degree is necessary to keep from going nuts). It's exhausting! I am thinking today about honesty. I haven't been fully honest about how strong the feelings are and how pervasive the gender thoughts. Being honest is going to cost me a lot, but not being honest bears a terrible price, too. And going back to the pre-GID days (the first 50 years of my life) is to revert to another form of pain that I have already lived, though in a certain bubble of innocence about the source of the pain...anyway, you can't go back...you can't un-know what you know about yourself.

So how to integrate it all without losing what you have? Can you be who you are and keep what you have? I don't know. But if you keep falling away from yourself, you will lose what you have anyway, and how good can that be?

Elsewhere there is a thread about underdressing. It's a half measure for sure, but not nothing. How many half measures add up to what will work? What can a therapist really tell you about yourself that you don't already know? (Not much, but the reassurance of having a live human to listen to you is priceless -- or at least worth the $100 fee.)

Erica Jong once wrote, "No one can tell anyone anything." I think about that a lot. Especially after I have just told someone a bunch of stuff. We all love your spirit, Anne, and your direct way of writing and your fearlessness of expression. Bask in the light. You can imagine that we are sending it to you, but you are really creating it for yourself.

elizabethamy

[Chickhe]

Life sucks and then you die. I think what I'm trying to say is make the best of what you have while you have the chance.

[Kaz]

Anne, you are well loved on this forum by those who know you and you are a dear friend of mine... I also share your inner turmoil... but for me my family was always the cornerstone... my focus... lose that and you lose your universe... we go through a lot of pain in life. We endure hardships we never imagined when we were teenagers or even in our 20s... life is a very strange road, and for people like us it is even stranger... believe in yourself... you have more strength and courage than you could possibly imagine... look inward and 'make it so' :hugs::hugs::hugs::love:

[Inna]

Yeah, next time you hear anyone say "Life is a bitch and then......" tell them "well, at least you not a transsexual" watch them go "ohhhh, you are right, wow, I do feel better"

[Anne2345]

Yeah, next time you hear anyone say "Life is a bitch and then......" tell them "well, at least you not a transsexual" watch them go "ohhhh, you are right, wow, I do feel better"

LOL!! That's pretty funny, Inna!

I do really appreciate all of the kind words, the advice, and the support within the responses. I suppose I'm glad I posted after all. Sorry about kind of flying off the handle there for a bit, but I do feel better, and more focused and able today. I want to make this work, and I am really working hard at it. Truly, I am. I just let a few set backs get the better of me. But y'all whipped me back in line pretty good. Thanks! :huggles Anne

[PaulaAnn]

Anne;Nice to see you in a better frame of mind. Good on 'ya.
Paula.

[Inna]

I donno if this is going to be encouragement or discouragement but in you I see my self 2 years ago! Exactly the same, I would go a distance then in a blink of an eye, a setback which felt as though it erased all my progress. And we feel this absolutely true and real, yet it is an illusion, for our life, world, and emotions are climbing ever so high altitude of change.
You will hit the wall many more times, each time it will feel as though this whole idea of transition was ridiculous and a failure from the start, but then each time days later dust will settle and a new horizon will emerge,

such is the road to SELF, and you are well on it babe!

[Barbara Ella]

Anne, just getting here, and and I see you have weathered the storm. But here is my reaction.

Girl, I am going to plant either my 10W or 8W pump upside your butt (depends on which side you are standing on when I swing) and then pick you up and say many of the great things others have said here,

Sometimes things seem to get so bad that we reach a point of paralysis and cannot make a decision to save our soul, and cannot see the good that is right around the corner either. At those times we need a jog to the system so to speak to get the mind focused again, and not dwelling on the negatives that have just happened.

Girl, you have had some bummer days recently, and I fear you just got a little air lock in the system. What we are going through is not easy, and will make each and everyone of us miserable at one time or another. You know you cannot stop doing it,so who cares why you are doing it. Just keep doing it as well as you have, and you really have been doing it well, and you will continue to make it from day to day, and without even realizing it you will be there. Where? if we knew that the why would be self evident.

Hugs,

Barbara

[Torrey]

Anne,

Sometimes, like in "Santa Claus is Coming to Town," you must simply "put one foot in front of the other." While we can't offer "real" help, as was mentioned earlier, we are always here to be a sounding board.

Hugs,
Torrey

[Thera Home]

And really, I don't know why I even bothered with this stupid, ****ing, idiotic, weak-ass, feeling sorry for myself post. I should've just let the whole shitty thing be, minded my own business, let you all be, and just moved the **** on. But I didn't, and I apologize for that.

It's OK Anne
Now go and gather your acorns and nuts for the winter and find yourself a cozy little
house. It's starting to get cold outside.:heehee:

Thera

P.S. Look both ways before crossing the road,if not,then you'll have something to really b*t*h about.
(anybody got an airpump):D

[Alicia Nicole]

Anne, I love reading your posts and I get so much strength from them. You are an awesome individual.....You ROCK!
Nikie