A question For those with unaccepting spouses

[Sarahgurl371]

Maybe some of you here can help me. I have a question that I tend to keep asking myself over and over again.

If I accpept who I am, how can I continue to live with a wife who does not accept me?

My point is this, I have been married and with my wife for over 15 years, almost half my life. I have never accepted myself and have dealt with all the guilt and shame that so many of us seem to know, for many years. Recently I have began to explore the complexity and fullness of my CD desires, feelings, with the goal of self acceptance in mind. I feel that I cannot be HAPPY, until I accept myself for who I am. That all the other stuff in my life will somehow bring more satisfaction once I reach this goal. I have never been very happy or content in life, and feel that it is necessary for me to reach my goal, in order for a shot at a meaningful life.

I have told her about all of this nearly 2 and 1/2 years ago now. Prior to that I told her about wearing lingerie, for intimate purposes, about 7 or 8 years ago. Since telling her everything, We have drifted apart further and further just about every day. Oh, everything would be just fine, if I would just forget all about this crossdressing. Fine for her, but not me. How can I be fine with a person who is judging me so severley for being a CD, and that would be OK with me if I wasn't?

We have tried to talk it out, but nothing changes. She has tried, I guess, but says that I disgust her when dressed. I have longed to be complete with my partner since forever. I hate having to experience this wonderful side of me, by myself. I just feel empty.

My question Is, I guess I am seriously contemplating divorce. I just don't know anymore. If I accept who I am, how can I live with someone, and profess to share our lives and dreams, who doesn't or can't accept me?
I have read from many here whose SO doesn't accept them and there femme selves. How do those in this situation reconcile themselves to this living arrangement?

Don't misunderstand, I am not making a judgment or criticizm of your lives, Just trying to figure mine out, and asking for some real world experience. I do love my wife, but haven't felt in love in some time now. I believe that how I feel is directly related to her feelings about me. Before I throw away a marraige of 14 years, I guess I need some more information or want to make sure I have examined all of my options. I feel so very selfish writing this thread. I know in my heart though that I must continue to try and figure this out.

Thank you all for just being there, and helping thru a tough time.

[Sharon]

I guess you just need to determine if you would be happier without your wife and free to dress whenever you choose to. Would being free to express your CD desires be enough compensation for being alone?

I don't think anyone could adequately advise you on what to do with the information you have provided, Tammy. But if it's possible to reopen discussions with your wife regarding this need of yours, then I think you should make every effort to do so.

[Kierci]

:iagree: :Pullhair:

[Stephanie Brooks]

If I accept who I am, how can I live with someone, and profess to share our lives and dreams, who doesn't or can't accept me?
It's a great question, and one only you can answer.

I've spent the better part of 21 years of marriage "on the rocks". Thank you Transgenderism. She knew about it before we were engaged.

Prior to having our daughter 7 years ago, it was always my hope that someday she'd accept this part of me. It was merely that, a hope. She was firmly against Stephanie and will always be that way. While I consider myself agnostic, I married for life.

After having our daughter, things became worse wrt my transgenderism. A year ago we were on the road to divorce. Today we're not. We're at a minimal level of functional acceptance. I go out and play weregirl (think "werewolf") once a month, staying in a decent hotel for a night. Tracy accepts and supports that.

Problems with my wife notwithstanding, I couldn't stand the thought of not being able to raise my daughter. I'll tolerate most anything at this point to raise her. Tracy and I don't fight in front of Alice generally, so she doesn't see improper conflict. In fact, our issues are so limited to transgenderism that most of the time our home is otherwise pretty comfortable. (We have no issues regarding money, general philosophy, trust. We differ on religion, but it's never caused problems.)

What to do? Decisions, decisions...

In the foreseeable future, unless Tracy and I hit some issue that is absolutely intollerable, we'll remain married. Is it a good marriage? On some levels it probably is. On some, no. It will never be ideal. Yet, show me one that is.

If we hadn't had Alice, who knows where Tracy and I would be? At 14 years of marriage, we were bringing Alice into the world. Without her in our lives, would we still be married at 21 years? Probably. The TG issues would be less, as we wouldn't have a child to complicate things (as in hiding Stephanie from Alice).

If I was back in my 20s with the info I have today, would I have married Tracy? Nope. I might have pursued a female mate who was open to my transgenderism. Would that marriage have survived? Flip a coin.

Hope this helps! It's just a few thoughts.

[Wendy me]

ok been there (still am) my wife was and still is a bit freaked out over this cding part of me ...easy answer i wish .... but what i have found out is once i started to realy look at things from her side we get a little better with it i soooooo like you want her to be ok with my cding ...well we are not there yet we have a long way to go and have gone a long way already.....leave her or devorice her for not being ok with it?/? no way see when you love someone and ask them to accpete something new to them you give the time and show them you love them after all something that someone dosen't understand how can thay accpete it?? shure it's hard work...but i do think it's worth the work my $.02 worth....

[miss_billy]

This is a hard one. From your post you seem to have come to your own conclusion on your relationship and I would not dare advise. What I would suggest is that you speak with your wife especially about the divorce side. It may be an advantage to talk to a counsellor first and examin what it is you realy want. Remember how this is possibly affecting her you can't help who you are and visa versa.

Thinking of you.

Take care.

[Katrina]

I never told my ex-wife that I CD'd. She was unaccepting and there is no doubt in my mind that she would have left me immediately or made my life a living he**. We divorced for very different reasons. Divorce was one of the toughest thing I have been through even though we are still on reasonable speaking terms (we have no kids and were married for 4+ years). That said, I am much happier now with my GF since I can openly dress around her and not hide it. Would I consider marrying a woman that was not completely cool with my CDing - no way. She absolutely needs to accept it or we are not compatible...end of story. That is precisely why I told my GF very soon after we started dating. I'm not trying to give you any advice and I certainly don't want to push you one way or the other.

[jamie-upstate]

i have been married for 30 yr and my wife knows i dress and has gone to the store with me to buy bras and panties and shoes.I have bought several dress on my own
even with that said if she ever knew i was open on line about it, i think she would flip. that said she puts up with it and knows i love her
15 yrs is a lot of time to give up you need to really think why you are doing it a lot of us started and kids playing with mommys and sisters cloths and fell in love with it others feel they are girls in a mans bodys whatever you reason you need to think how is what i'm doing affecting the ones i love. i had to wait for my kid to leave the hous so i could dress when i wanted to i don't know what i would would do if the kid came home to live

[kathy gg]

Hi tammy

I know that hearing from an accepting wife might feel like salt on an open wound, and I was hesitant to post this.....but I have to say I don't think if you ask someone who has been able to be open about this in a relationship vs. having to conceal this in a relationship...which experience was overall more fullfilling, many will say being 'yourself' trumped not being yourself.

Being in love to me means accepting all that a person is. Their amazing traits, and learning to accept their not so amazing ones. We all come with faults and less than appealing parts to what make a whole. But those things are only faults if the person you live with consider them faults...like your desire to crossdress.

You could look at it like this, you have spent 15 years trying to figure out who you are. DO you want to wait another 15 or 20 or more before you realize that life has passed you by? That is a long time to spend with a person who you say " I do love my wife, but haven't felt in love in some time now." You might never regain that euphoric feeling like when you first hooked up, but you can still feel passion and excitement and bonded love if you are fully acepted.

I have been married to my sweety for over 6 years. No we are not feeling that constant lust to attact each other like when we first got married. But we still have a good time together, laugh alot, and still have fun even doing stupid stuff like grocery shopping (go figure.?)...but does loving him for all of who he is makes life more content...I would hope so. Does knowing I am not privetely sitting back 'judgeing' him make him open around me and less inhibited to talk and communicate? For sure! For me crossdressing and all that it entails in my book is not a 'fault' or a 'flaw' in his personality. Just another facet that makes him the guy I adore and cherish.

If you can't love all that the other person is, it can make those 15 years seem like 100 years and my 6 years seem like 6 months.....

best of luck in your future.....

kathy in canada

[Christina Nicole]

My wife knows about my CDing, and she hates it. She has seen me dressed and she tolerated it (barely) for a little while. Eventually, I stopped doing it in front of her and it seemed ok. Then she pushed me to purge everything, since we needed some more closet space (for her clothes) in the spare bedroom. Overall we have a good marriage. What to do? I CD without telling her. OK, it's not completely honest, but it suits the needs of both of us.

On the other hand, my CDing does not hurt her, so why should she be against it? OK, she has a point that I'm not who she thought she married, since I didn't tell her until years after we were married. On the other hand, she's not the same as she was when we got married either. I don't give her hell about wearing a size 18 now when she swore that she'd hate being heavy and would never, ever be larger than an 8. I don't get on her case because she "lied to me." Why is it ok for her to say that I lied to her?

Overall, having gotten married, I'm going to stay married. But if I knew what I know now when I was in my 20s, I'm not sure that I would have followed the same path. Maybe I would have. Maybe I would have found a woman who is accepting. Maybe I would have thrown caution to the winds and transitioned as I sometimes think I should have. It can be an interesting mental exercise to play "what if" games. But when "what if" becomes obsessive, then it's time to pull back and re-examine your direction. Sometimes a professional can help frame things so everything falls into perspective. I've not spoken to a therapist, but I think I've found my balance and compromise position. You have to find one with your wife, too. (...whether or now she knows about it.)

Warm regards,
Christina Nicole

[RobynP]

Hi, Tammy!

I was married for 20 years before seperating and divorcing 7 years ago. I told my wife about 5 years into the marriage about my "needs".... and we fought about the crossdressing for about 12 or 13 years where "nothing had changed" (except me, of course)...

Let's look at the positives: She has opened up to you and told you that you disgust her with the crossdressing. This is a positive because she is very clear in communicating her reaction. Many wives NEVER tell their spouses how they truly feel about the cding. Many wives feel trapped, alone, and isolated along with the disgust.

You are expecting her to change... How?? Why?? Why is the need for her not being disgusted at your crossdressing SO IMPORTANT in reaching YOUR goal of SELF ACCEPTANCE?

Husbands and wives often do not agree on everything 100% nor do they particpate in each other's activities and interests 100%. There are just some things wives are not interested in and never will be. The same is true for husbands...

This may be one of those things that your wife will never like. There are certain vegetables I HATE to eat and have always hated. I get sick at the thought of eating them. I do not understand why other people enjoy eating them. Would I get upset if my wife serves them every so often? No... Every day... maybe... every meal YES!

Compromise is not often the answer for crossdressing... How can one compromise? "You can only crossdress from the waist down..." Would that be more accepting??

If you want to stay together, you have to accept your wife's feelings. You have got to acknowledge that the goal keeping the promise you made is more important than anything else. You have to acknowledge that crossdressing is an important part of your identity. Then, BOTH OF YOU have to work TOGETHER to figure out how to integrate this important part of you into your relationship. You cannot work at this as "you against her" but rather both of you need to work together in the same direction for the same reason for the same goal. Is this so damned difficult?? If so, get a really good therapist to help facilitate. Again, this isn't about getting her to change her mind and accept the crossdressing. And it isn't about you going through a purge and denying the crossdressing. It is working together in love to get to a greater love.

If you do decide that the relationship is dead and not worth continuing and that she is really cramping your style... then save up a LOT of money for the divorce, for the lawyers, for the therapists, for the alimony. You aren't going to have much left over for a wardrobe!

As far as real life experience goes, I have been down the same path you are now travelling, and I, in my infinite wisdom, chose door number two. Behind it was the burro, not the dream vacation... Going through a divorce was HELL for me and I would not wish it on anyone especially over something like crossdressing.

Take some time and search your heart. Travel back in time to when you and your wife-to-be met. Try to recall the magic that led you to wedding day and the promise you made willingly on that day. Then go have a talk with your wife....

Best wishes on your success and happiness, either way,

Robyn

[Holly]

Tammy, I come from the other side of the spectrum. My wife is supportive and accepting... although it wasn't always that way. There were questions, to be sure.

If I may suggest something, Tammy... before making a decision concerning your relationship with your wife, you need to come to terms with your relationship with yourself. If you are unsure of yourself, is it really fair to ask your wife (or anyone else, for that matter) to accept you when you don't even know who you are yourself?

You speak of goals and self acceptance. I would respectfully suggest to you that self acceptance is NOT a goal, but a decision... a decision you need to make. But in order to do so, you need to discover for yourself, who Tammy is. What part does she play in your day to day life (if any). Is she CD, TV, TG, or TS? To discover these things (and more) you may, in fact, have to enlist the help of a professional counselor, one who specializes in gender issues. Perhaps you have a trusted friend and/or confidant who you can confide in, one who will give you honest feedback.

Tammy you know you have many friends here that want to support you. I hope you will consider me to be one of them. You say you love your wife and I believe that you do. You have over 15 years invested in your relationship (as does she). Starting all over a ground zero may not be in anyone's best intrest. As the others have wisely said, the ultimate decision is yours. But the observation of a third party who has no vested interest in the outcome often can provide insights that would otherwise be missed. Bith you and your wife have my best wishes.

[TGMarla]

Hi, Tammy.

I'm sorry you're feeling so down. I'm not sure what I have to say will help you in any way. But then, I don't think you're looking for help, rather clarification. That said, it is remarkable how closely your situation resembles mine. I, too, am in a long-term relationship with a wife who does not accept my crossdressing. The difference is, although I'm sure she is disgusted by it, we simply do not talk about it, and thus maintain the peace.

My wife is a terrific woman in so many ways. But together, we do not have much of a life. She watches a lot of TV, and I have little interest in it. I like sports, she doesn't. I golf, she watches TV. I enjoy online activities, and she watches TV. But even mention crossdressing, and the s**t flies.

Self acceptance is easy. Like Holly said, it's a choice. It's a choice I made years ago, and I'm very comfortable with that choice. It's another thing altogether to expect that acceptance from another. My question is similar to yours: can I be truly happy in my relationship if I do not gain acceptance from my wife? More and more, the answer is no. Now, crossdressing is not our only issue. She lost her only son a few years ago, and grieves for him all day every day. I do not judge her for this, as I think we can all agree that that is a severe blow, and she is unlikely to ever get over it. However, he was not my son, and I cannot grieve for him as she does, nor do I want to. I want to live my life, and she has put hers on hold. I do not wish to add the burden of her accepting me as a crossdresser on top of all that.

Yet, I do not wish to live the rest of my life with an unaccepting wife who cannot move beyond the death of her son. I contemplate divorce from a woman I love deeply every day. And this is not because I don't love her, it's because I have a life to live and get on with, a life full of new experiences and discovery. She has a life that consists of work, television, and her late son. I don't see the two converging any time soon. Meanwhile, time passes by, and I grow older.

I guess my point in all of this is, I think that a life in which I think about divorce every day is probably going to end in divorce. Divorce does not have to be the end of the world. Indeed, it can be a new beginning. But it's a big step, a big hassle, and a huge change. It can result in lonliness, bitterness, and a host of other bad things. But often it is the only path that is presented to us.

If you need to talk, you know how to PM me. Have strength, sister!

[DonnaT]

Tammy, is there any other reason for you wanting a divorce? If not, then don't initiate one if you are still in love with your wife. At least not yet.

See, you admitted that you are still working on accepting yourself.

After how many years?

How can you expect your wife to accept it any faster than you have?

Work on rekindling the fire that use to be there. CD in private, as many others do.

If you discover that the fire can't be rekindled, and the love is gone, then worry about divorce.

[KatieZ]

Hi Tammy

You didn't say if you have kids. Assuming you do you will also have to take them into consideration before doing anything rash.

I would suggest talking to a counsouler who is versed in transgenderism before you make any real decisions. No doubt after a few sessions he/she will want to speak with your wife if she is willing. If she feels the marriage is worth saving she will go. If she's not willing then you may as well pack your bags if you want to persue your needs and desires.

Hopefully the two of you can at least come to a reasonable compromise.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Hugs

[melissacd]

I have to say that I completely understand what Tammy is talking about. My wife did not accept it at all when she found out 8 years ago and made my life hell for a year after that. She threw out all of my things and told me to stop. We have not talked of it since.

We have stayed together, however, there has been a lingering unhappiness and anger in me. At first I could not put my finger on it, but as I spent more time on this forum reading and learning and gaining more acceptance of myself and this gift I realized that my unhappiness and anger stemmed in large measure to that period of my life. I began to realize that I resented her rejection, I was angered by her unwillingness to try and understand, I felt great guilt and shame that I was forced to go underground with this, I was uncomfortable with having to hide and suppress a very important part of who I am. I have the same issue, I want to be able to express myself and embrace my femme side and I know that I cannot without creating a very bad home front situation and I also do not want to hide this either.

I have run the gamut of emotions and thoughts about how to deal with this even to the point where I have considered the possibility that once the kids are on their own and it is just my wife and I that I will leave and start my CD life. Then I think about how unfair that is to her, how other than this issue, she has loved me in every other way, how we have been saving towards a retirement that she wants to share with me. It is a big problem. I wrestle with the same issue, I want to be me, I want her to accept that part of me, I cannot force her to like that part of me, do I leave, do I stay, who knows what to do. These are complex issues.

P.S. For those who suggested that the couple go to counseling first, that only works if you have a partner who believes that counseling is required. If they do not acknowledge the problem then they will not go.

Mel

[HaleyPink2000]

I have to tell you most of what was said here fits my Wife and myself.

Denile.
Stress.
Sex issues.
Lack of communications about the T subject.

All these issues are getting better. Except the Sex one. I believe that time of my life with her is over. No, I'd not leave Her. But If something did happen to Her I'd never marry again! It's just not worth the stress.

Haley:)

[LouiseW]

I'm sorry I don't have an answer for you. I'm separated but going through the same thought processes as you. Right now, when all the 'what ifs' are considered, I have to come back to the idea that life is not a dress rehersal; it's our one time shot. Before we were married, my wife-to-be knew all about Louise and she was accepting. Once she dressed me and did my makeup and we went out. This was over thirty years ago but I can still remember the thrill. I passed big time. There were many other times that I dressed without her objections. Soon after, kids came along and I put Louise aside because we felt that she (Louise) wasn't something the kids should have to understand.

Well, the kids are long grown and gone and Louise is back out with a passion. My wife says, "I never want to deal with that for the rest of my life". I am two people and there is no escaping that. Should I (or could I) kill off Louise to save a marriage that has been a zero for over a dozen years? I don't think I could kill off Louise under any circumstances - I'm not a suicidal person. I'm not at all sorry that Louise went to the closet for thirty years; that happened because we thought it was the right thing to do. But, I'm not at all happy with the concept that she should stay there just because Mama-san has a new view on life.

I'm told that North Americans have a habit of answering a question with a question. I hope I've given ou a couple to contimplate. I sit in a small apartment as I write this and the only non-fem thing I'm wearing is my wrist watch. I love it but I still don't know what's right.

[Deanna2]

I don't normally respond to these sort of issues because I have never fortunately experienced them and secondly I'm hardly qualified - although like most here I have done a few graduate courses at the School of Hard Knocks.

My wife 'knows' about my desire to wear femme gear and will tolerate it to some quite limited extent. But if I dressed up fully with her around I would get more than just an earfull and then some.

However, from what I read about CDing and divorce/separation and from what I gather from the comments on the Forum, CDing of itself is not an issue that features with any prominence. The real issues seem to lie very much deeper in the relationship. Now I've never given any credibility to counselling of any description, but maybe it wouldn't hurt to talk to a (professional) third party. You will probably find that your desire to CD doesn't get a mention.

[Helana]

Tammy

You need to resolve in your head whether you are still in love or not. Are there still times of happiness when the two of you can laugh together and reaffirm expressions of love or are you just afraid of the pain of separating from someone you have shared your life with for 15 years? Only you can answer this.

I am with Kathy on this. True love accepts all. You cannot love some parts of a person and hate others. There can be parts which you dislike but you will find ways to accommodate and appreciate these because of love. .

Imagine your wife had a hobby which you disliked intensely. Would you not learn ways to accommodate this and still love her? You would be happy seeing her happy enjoying her hobby and developing her skills. Would her hobby drive your marriage onto the rocks? Of course not. Although CDing is not exactly a hobby, its manifestation is very similar.

I am at a complete loss as to why some people are unable or unwilling to confront their prejudices. I fully understand the difficulties our SOs can face in understanding and accommodating our CDing, and we should be ready to give lots of time, patience, understanding and love as she works this out for herself. However I would expect in the long run that if my SO loves me then she would understand that this is part of me and accept it, be happy for me and move on.

Maybe your wife thinks that if she holds out long enough that you will give up on your demands. Does she realise that her continuing rejection will result in your continuing unhappiness and resentment for the rest of your life? There is no harm in raising these issues over and over again until a resolution is achieved.

Good luck!

[LouiseW]

In a recent attempt to put things together, we visited a counselor and one of the first things out of my soon-to-be-ex's mouth was "tell her about yourself". There are many other issues that I think are far more important but I spent about five minutes explaining myself and Louise to everyone's satisfaction. I think I've finally come to accept myself and be comfortable. At that point the topic was dropped but it didn't change a thing. I think that the TG issue can be raised to try to cover other issues and I think that's what she was trying to do. As someone said among these posts, counseling only works when both parties are looking for a solution and are willing to work at it.

[LouiseW]

Helana,
I think you nailed this one right on! I think that the TG issue raises all kinds of flags in a GG's mind wrt her sexual orientation and she can't see beyond that. "What's wrong with me that I'm in bed with a man dressed like a woman?", "Is my husband a woman?", "Where's the missionary position I was taught about?", and on and on because they can't grasp true intimacy and freedom of expresssion. Just my thought at the moment.

[FionaAlexis]

Hi Louise,

I really can't understand why TGs/CDs expect instant acceptance and understanding from their partners.

You have to look at it from your wife's perspective. She didn't want to marry a woman or a part time woman or even a guy in a dress - most likely she wanted to marry a masculine man. She most likely fell in love with a guy.

7 or 8 years ago or 2 and half years ago whichever, you burst her bubble. She probably felt deceived and depressed and a great sense of loss. The fact you are still together probably means she is trying to come to terms with it. She may very well be asking herself 'how can I continue to live with this person who deceived me for 13 years, who seems more concerned about dresses, lipstick and heels than with me and the family - and I'm not sure where all crap this is heading....'

So you have choices:

1/ you try to be more patient and help her through this in the hope you will arrive at some new level of understanding in your relationship and maybe freedom and contentment, or;
2/ you pull the plug on the marriage and do her a favour, or;
3/ you continue to be self centred and wait for her to call it quits and do you a favour.

Good luck


Fiona xx

[RachelDenise]

Tammy, I am also in your position. I have passed through the stage of self-acceptance and am quite comfortable with my femme side. No problem there. I also have an non-accepting wife. It's the don't ask/don't tell stage. No real discussion about Rachel for years. Just lurking in our marriage background for the last 10 years. Do I wish my wife would accept Rachel? Yes, it would be the ultimate. Do I expect this ever happening? No. So the question becomes why do I stay. I do feel that our marriage has suffered by her non-acceptance, but I think that is actually my fault. I can't feel intimate with someone who I know rejects my inner being, something that is so much a part of me. No sex for the last 13 years and though I'm sure we're both interested, nobody is ready to start this again. The remainder of our life is fun, interesting and shared by our parenting (1 daughter) and otherwise quite normal in most respects. So the big question is: why stay? I do love my wife and I think she loves me (to the extent she can), and I truly love my daughter. I have contemplated divorce once my daughter is in college (many years yet) because of Rachel. Would I do it? Each year that passes makes me think yes. I need to have some freedom and acceptance of this part of me. I don't know if I ever will do it, but it looms on the horizon......

[melissacd]

Fiona,

8 years is not expecting instant acceptance. After 8 years one would expect some sort of acknowledgement.

Rachel,

It is interesting you mention about the lack of sex or sexual desire and the thoughts of divorce after the children are raised. That is how I feel too. It bothers me that I feel that way and I want to figure out between now and then how to rebuild the relationship so that does not have to happen, but the net-net is we are now accepting ourselves, the horse has been let out of the barn and we have to find a way to fulfill ourselves, be true to ourselves with or without our significant other.

Mel

[Helana]

.....but I think that is actually my fault. I can't feel intimate with someone who I know rejects my inner being, something that is so much a part of me.

I think you are being overly hard on yourself. It is not your fault that she does not accept you, nor is it unreasonable to lack sexual desire for someone who rejects you. Relationships are meant to be about understanding, empathy and when interests conflict, compromise. It takes two to tango, maybe you could have handled things better, but then so could she. I know 10 years is more than enough time for your wife to have worked something out with you. Ask yourself this; who is the one willing to compromise and who is unwilling?

Anyway it is not a good idea to place fault on either your wife or on yourself as it resolves nothing.

[Megan_Renee]

Tammy,

When I first let my wife know about Megan, she was a little put off by her. Not completely accepting, but not completely denying it either. We discussed genetics and how, even if CD'ing is a psychological thing, (big if) that it's not something that is going to go away anytime soon. Well, having said that, she was glad when I first purged. Why? Because I had become very selfish.

Without realizing it, I had become extremely selfish; I only wanted to do what Megan wanted to do, not what my wife would like. We stayed in a lot, or we went to stores very late at night. All in all, not a world I would want to live in given how things were going.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that *perhaps* your wife feels as if there is another woman in the relationship. Maybe she doesn't feel as loved as she once did? Granted we all change, and granted one cannot feel loved all the time, but perhaps she is putting the blame of a relational change upon Tammy.

I read in a psych. text book once that the vast majority of people will not give an accurate reason for their distress the first time. Most of the time, the second or third (or 15th) reason for the distress is the more accurate one. I find that when I have no more reasons, however much I dislike the last reason I admit to myself, the last reason is usually the most accurate.

--Megan

[Sarahgurl371]

Thank you all for your open and honest repsonses. You have raised some very good and valid pionts. Some I/we have thought of. Others I have not. Reading all the posts, I felt vindicated, ashamed, selfish, entitled, saddened, and a host of other emotions. I will try to answer some questions that were raised in your responses. As I sit here alone tonight. Having freshly showered and shaved, with my nails done. With all the intentions of trying out some new make up techniques, and of course some picture taking this evening. Somehow feeling guilty and depressed about actually doing what it is that I want to do tonight. Oh the clothes....sweats and boxers. So much for letting myself out huh?

Anyway, No kids, I can't have them. Its a hormonal thing with my reporductive system. *interesting huh? The greatest dissapointment in my life. I always wanted a family, even at 19 when we were married.

Counseling. Been there, couples and individual. It was my fault we had to go to a therapist for marraige counseling. He said I was OK. Later, I went to a psychiatrist own my own accord, the anxiety of us was killing me. He said I am OK. suggested the Persad center here in Pa. Of course, i loved the idea of seeing a gender specialist. She hated it. Said it would pull me further in. Into what I say? Its already there. She went own her own recently as well, but decided that she didn't have the problem and wasn't gonna waste her time. Man I sound really sinicle in my head right now.

Ever have the thought that despite how much in Love you were at the beginning, now I feel like I rushed headlong into it so I wouldn't be alone? I am an A##hole. I know it. I think about what I have done to her whit regards to all this. It WAS NOT INTENTIONAL. I wouldn't hurt a flea. It just happened that way. At 19 what do we know of ourselves, the world, life? So is that really the reason I was married, or is it just because of the situation I am in that I have had that thought?

I have done everything in my power to give her the life she wants. I know that there are times I was not emotionally available to her. I lived in denial for many years. I also worked as a Paramedic for half our marragie. That job takes its toll on your emotions as well. I am not proud of this, it just is.

I know that I cannot expect her to accept me overnight. Especially when I have had 20 + years to deal with this and look where I am with it. I have always said that I didn't care what anyone else thinks of me. Nothing could be further from the truth. I guess I hoped that her acceptance would make me think its OK to be me, which would help me accept myself. I wish I could just make the CHOICE, like mentioned. Don't know why I can't. I guess I am an idealist. It has to be all or nothing. I know that is impossible.

I feel that to love someone is to love the whole person, and not try to change them to suit you. But I want her to change her perceptions and closed mindedness. I can say, however, that I have not tried to manipulate her into accepting me. I have not distorted the truth in my favor. I couldn't look in the mirror if i did. Above All else my sense of being a just and moral person is too great. If I don't come by it honestly, I don't want it.

I have spent a great amount of time and resources obtaining the things she needs for her HOBBIES. I have even involved myself in those hobbies despite not liking them very much. I have always put her needs and desires in front of mine. I just think that is what you do when you love somone. Until the CD thing that is. Maybe I am just trying to change the power dymanic in our relationship. Ain't no doubt who wears the pants, But I am OK wearing the dress! Talk about giving....I have not asked for something that I long for so desperatley, to be loved as I feel I am, for the sake of her feelings. I know that this is not easy for a women to hear, let alone see.

Addiction, yeah I have contemplated that one big time. Dealt with an alcohol addict in your family. Been thru the family counseling sessions? Read the information handed out about addiction? Watched them destroy thier lives? I have, I do not think I have an addiction. I can say I have objectively evaluated that.

The road to her acceptance of me..... One of my last sessions with the psychiatrist, I told him of her allowing me to get dressed in front of her. Of her buying me femme items of apparel. Of feeling so loved, that honestly, in an intimate moment having the best sex of my life while totally en drab, because, I felt, this is my wife and she accepts me for who I am. Only to have that all taken away. He said...why didn't you tell me that before? Now I understand why you are so anxious and depressed.

Oh, and I do realize and appreciate the way she tried! Guess it just didn't work out like I had hoped. But having experienced that, how can i go back to were we are now? CDing and the subsequent disscusions, have identifed all sorts of differences bewteen us. Not that they have to be the end of a marraige, but they do exist.

Time.....Having come thru some fairly traumatic situations in the last couple of years, and seeing that the inevitable could happen any moment. Yeah, time is hauling ass. I do not want to wake up one day, and be 70, and say to myself, well you missed it. Life is over. Too bad you didn't try and live it. And I do realize that she also came thru those situations. That stuff will leave a mark.

I thank you all again. Thank you all for caring enough to read this post and offer your opinion. I hope I have answered some of your questions as well. I realize that it was not appropraite for me to post the thread in a way as to ask for your opinons on what I should do. Just very confused and can't find the answers. Probably looking too hard. I don't know how to not go at this 100% though. :)

[Stephanie Brooks]

Hey tammycd,

Go easy on yourself. This is one of the best threads I've seen in a long time. This isn't about feeling guilty or anything like that. It's about trying to understand where you are. That's a good thing! You know from your own experience there's no simple answer. From others too you see none of us have a perfect answer either. Still, all of us learn a little something from each other.

*BIG WARM HUGGLES* to you Lady. Where any of us will go on our respective paths no one can know for sure. We're just pretty lucky to have this place to converse along the way.

[Tamara Croft]

Hiya Tammy

I see things are very hard for you right now, but I do have a question. Apart from your wife seeing a counseller regarding your crossdressing, what else have you actually done to educate her? websites? books?

The reason I ask, is I see a lot of posts saying 'my wife don't understand or accept me' and I can totally relate as to why they don't. I've known about my Tammy being a CD from the beginning of our relationship, but it wasn't until I joined this forum.... 6 years later.. that I began to understand what a CD was. I had no idea... I didn't understand nor did I accept it. Tam didn't educate me and I think that is a big mistake a lot of CD's tend to do.. they tell their wives/partners that they are a CD and that's that... maybe you have educated her, but you haven't said in this thread?!?

[Sarahgurl371]

Stephanie,
Thanks for the kind words.


Tamara,
I have tried everything I can think of to try and provide objective information for her. I have bought several books from known authors. i have viewed and bookmarked many websites for her to review. Not those supporting my side either, but from the wife's perspective. I really have tried to handle all this in a dignified manor. I have initiated countless discussions. I have encouraged her to talk to a good friend. I have tried to explain every facet involved.

She won't read the books. The internet is a bad thing in her eyes, so that is no use. She gets kinda upset when i talk about it. She doesn't want to take my word for it, but won't seek anyone elses. And I can understand her fear in talking to a friend.

I just don't know what else to do. I realize that Rome wasn't built in a day, but its been over 2 years now. i know that this is hard for a wife to hear, its also hard for a husband to bring up. I am willing to compromise. Her point of view is that she wants nothing to do with it.

Which brings me back to my original question...

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

Reading your posts Tammy, I think you know the answer to your question.


It was my fault we had to go to a therapist for marraige counseling. He said I was OK. Later, I went to a psychiatrist own my own accord, the anxiety of us was killing me. He said I am OK.

I think there's a message there.

You mentioned there are "all sorts of differences" between you two. In similar instances, I've seen CDing becomes the point of contention because it's less threatening to argue over that than to deal with the other problems in the relationship. I don't know if that true in your case, but just some food for thought.


FYI, it's worth keeping in mind what someone else referred to as the 51% rule to good relationships: i.e. a relationship doesn't a 50/50 compromise, but rather a 51/49 compromise in favor of your partner. Why 51%? Because if you keep giving too much of yourself to preserve the relationship, you'll eventually become dissatified, resentful, etc. You need to acknowledge your own needs, but be willing to put your partner's needs slightly ahead of your own (and ideally they do the same for you).

[Helana]

Tammy

I am saddened to hear these details of your relationship. It is clear that you have done the very best you can. If your wife is not even willing to educate herself about this then where does that leave your relationship?

Intollerance is a belief system and alas there are people out there who refuse to have their beliefs challenged. It sounds to me that even with the facts at hand she will reject you and you are just hitting your head against a brick wall.

I think Marlena's 51/49 nicely sums up how I feel about this too. She needs to understand she has to meet you halfway and that staying in her corner is not an option. Don't know how you are going to convince her of this but good luck.

[Monique_Lynn]

Hi Tammy,
No advice from here as each of us has to find their own way. Unbelievable how similar my life is to yours. Reading through your thoughts and questions was like reading my own mind.
Was married 15 years to an unaccepting spouse that ended in divorce for many reasons, the cd thing was only part of the whole problem.
Feel free to pm me anytime.
huggs
ginger

[Tamara Croft]

Tammy, that's sad to read. Well if it will help, I will gladly email her and offer her some outside support. Just let me know :hugs:

[Sarahgurl371]

Reading your posts Tammy, I think you know the answer to your question.



I think there's a message there.

You mentioned there are "all sorts of differences" between you two. In similar instances, I've seen CDing becomes the point of contention because it's less threatening to argue over that than to deal with the other problems in the relationship. I don't know if that true in your case, but just some food for thought.


FYI, it's worth keeping in mind what someone else referred to as the 51% rule to good relationships: i.e. a relationship doesn't a 50/50 compromise, but rather a 51/49 compromise in favor of your partner. Why 51%? Because if you keep giving too much of yourself to preserve the relationship, you'll eventually become dissatified, resentful, etc. You need to acknowledge your own needs, but be willing to put your partner's needs slightly ahead of your own (and ideally they do the same for you).


Marlena,
BTW luv the name. I am afraid to admit, that you might have hit the nail on the head. I guess I may be confusing all the rest and throwing in some CDing for good measure. The 51/49% thingy.... Sounds about right. Our relationship is about 90/10% in her favor. Not complaining, well maybe a little. I was raised to treat the women like she is on a pedistal. Starting to see the failed logic in that.

[Sarahgurl371]

Tammy, that's sad to read. Well if it will help, I will gladly email her and offer her some outside support. Just let me know :hugs:

Tamara,
Thank you for the offer. I do not know if it would help or not. I think she would be upset that I was devulging our personl stuff here on the forum. I have mentioned several times that she join the GG area here. And you always seem at the ready to help out in a situation like mine. So if you do not hear it enough, THANK YOU. Thanks for caring enough about people, to try and help us through tuff times. A loving spirit seems to shine thru in everything you post.:)

[Sarahgurl371]

Well I guess we will try out the 51/49% thing for a while. Started today. Went shopping, being Black Friday and all. Figured it would be a good time to see if I can shop for myself without passing out. Got some beautiful things, and some nice bargains. Perhaps I will post a few pics.

I almost left the other night. Actually had my mind made up as I lay on the couch trying to sleep. Gonna get my own place. Gonna take a chance on me. I guess that I have always gotten my identity from being her husband. Then the next day was Thanksgiving. Couldn't help but to remember the past and the love I have for her and for family. Thought, I wiil try another time. Who knows what the future will bring us, but thanks to you all, Its looking brighter for my own self esteem and happiness.

[Helana]

Our relationship is about 90/10% in her favor... I was raised to treat the women like she is on a pedistal. Starting to see the failed logic in that. Been there, done that. Lopsided relationships are distinctly unhealthy, one person giving too much of themselves and the other not giving enough.

[Falcor]

When my hubby came out to me[forgive me for taking over his spot for a moment] I was at first confused,not that he wanted to wear female attire worried me at all,the confusion more orientated towards transexualism and me thinking he wanted to become a woman.
I now understand that he is CDer,and has always been that.Luckily i've always been a bit of a tom boy,and enjoy being a dominatrix[mild nothing overly severe,gets the housework done plus gives me a chance to wear my black wig.]
What I'd like to say to the partners of CDers,try look further than the femine side of your spouses,to what you fell in love with and you find that the loyalty,gentleness,sensitivity,humour and everything else that attracted you to him is still there and lastly you DO get used to it[I think it's great fun]Be genuine in trying to understand and be comfortated in the fact that many of your friends may be in the same situation as you and are they not happy?.
A big hug to everybody,big smile please,if you don't I'll have to spank your bottoms xxxxx falcors SO

[Lilith Moon]

Thank you all for just being there, and helping thru a tough time.

Tammy,

I spent ages composing a reply, then I realised that I had simply written a rant about my own situation which mirrors yours. You don't need that right now so I will just send you my best wishes and :hugs: :hugs:

[Sarahgurl371]

Flacor,
Sounds like your husband is a lucky guy. You seem to have found a way thru the unpleasant stuff, and been able to see the positives. I tried to explian that to my wife, but she is generally a negative type. Mt wife is a Tom boy as well, but she sure doesn't have your view! She doesn't seem to mind asking my thoughts about her outfits now though.

Never been spanked by a Dome, sure sounds like it might be fun! I wish she could just see it that way. I'll take anything right about now.

Lilith,
Its OK, you can rant,I don't mind. I have learned so much from reading others rants.

Does anyone else think Helana must be an Old Soul? Excellent well thought out replies and posts. Thanks hun!

[TGMarla]

Hi again, Tammy. I'm sorry to see you so down. Like I said before, our situations are amazingly parallel. My wife will not use the computer either, and only educates herself on issues tha she wishes to educate herself on. Since the death of her son, she has delved deeply into paranormal studies and books on life after death. Yet she will not educate herself at all on transgender issues. When I had "the talk" with her over a year ago, she visited a website or two that told her what she wanted to hear, that this was real abnormal, that I was starved for affection as a child, and all the usual bad misinformation. Nothing positive. Nothing denoting that this is actually rather common. So I know firsthand about the uphill battle you fight.

I wrestle with leaving all the time, too. I love her very much, and my predominant feeling for right now is that she is dealing with enough in losing her only child, and tossing all my issues on top of the ones she already has would for now be very selfish and insensitive. Yet, I cannot adhere to the old adage, "To thine own self be true" until I either strike out on my own, or bring her into the fold. And I cannot go on for too much longer without doing one or the other. I, too, do not want to turn 70, and have the feeling that I missed everything in life that is important to me. (And no, CDing is not the only important thing to me...)

You seem to have a great deal of self-loathing. That's not good. Sure, there's more to getting past that than simply shrugging it all off. Self-acceptance is a choice, but not always an easy one to make. You have to be able to make it, and until you are in a position where the choice is available to you, you cannot make it. But consider this: a lot of the girls here, and this includes BOTH genders, by the way, have spent some serious time responding to the issues that you brought up. See? People really do care. They accept you just as you are, and deal with the same things you do. Key words there: They accept you. If others can accept you, then you can as well. The guilt you feel is largely because you feel that you have made your wife unhappy. Hey, it's not for lack of trying. And YOU did not make her unhappy. She chose to be that way, and used you and your situation as an excuse. Gee, life would be perfect, except that my husband crossdresses. Well, now, isn't our glass half empty? Never mind any of the good things you bring to her life, you're a limp-wristed little crossdresser. And she thought she was marrying a MAN!!! Yeah, I've heard it all before, just like you. And, like you, I'm a decent person, a good man, and I, too, wouldn't hurt a flea. The difference, then, between you and me right now? I accept myself, and my crossdressing makes me happy. Screw what everybody else thinks. The problems of the world are not my fault.

We all have our own choices to make, not just you. Your wife has to make the choice to be happy, too. It's not your cross to bear. Remember that when you got married, she took vows as well, not just you. Her happiness in not on you, it's on her. And if she chooses to blame you for her discontent simply because you crossdress, well, that's just an excuse, and a poor one at that.

Sorry to rant, dear. I really feel for you. I really do. But shake yourself. It's not all on you.

[Sarahgurl371]

Marla,
Thank you and all the others here, cuz, yes you all do care enough to read thru all this stuff and post replies. It is greatly appreciated. Marla, thank you for pointing out that others here accept me. I hadn't thought of it that way. It should help.

I too feel as though it is up to me to make her happy. But at the same time, I believe it is up to each individual person to make themselves happy. So again, you make a good point, Why is it up to me to make her happy? And I guess that alot of my guilt comes from my expectations of meeting others expectations of me. Writing it, it sounds like a pretty high bar to live up to 24/7.

Marla, I feel for you as well. I didn't know of your stepson? Until recently. I can only imagine how difficult that must make things for you. You must be one heck of a person to still have such a wonderful outlook on life. I want to be that way some day! Self loathing.....never thought of it that way before. Sounds about right though. Wonder where that came from? Maybe years of beating myself up for not meeting my idea of what others expect of me. Food for thought.

I guess, no I think that I need to take care of me for a while. I must choice to be happy, whatever that entails. Now If I could just convince myself. Convince myself that I am NOT responsible for everybody elses happiness. I have just never been the kind of person who puts myself in front of others.

Speciffically with my wife and regards to CDing. She initally stated that I broke her trust. I can understand that now. She had it right, How could I keep such a BIG part of my life secret from her. So I made concession after concession with regards to CDing. I quit dressing, didn't purge though. (been down that road) A year went by, I was miserable, so was she. Told her I wouldn't do anything without her permission. I was trying to gain her trust back. What a mistake that was. Just created more guilt. Ehh, just rambling now.

Thanks again! Your wife is a lucky lady to have you. You are a wonderful person!

[CammyT]

Aloha Tammy,
I guess I should be grateful my wife is a "out of sight, out of mind" type of person. She is aware of my ummm, needs and as long as I stay very discreet and safe with my liaisons, it's okay. However, human nature makes me want more. I soo envy the girls who go out with their wife or SO for girls' night, or shoppping.
Anyway, it seems you've got a lot of options, none of which seems good. I think you might look at them as paths. It's not the journey, but the destination that's important. Meaning dear, yes it will be rough, hurtful and terribly heartbreaking no matter which route you take. On the other hand, how long can you survive just standing at the crossroads lost, confused and slowly fading out of existence? Perhaps it's time to choose a path, take a deep breath, take the first step and take on the perils in front of you and don't look back!
Whatever path you choose Tammy, remember there will be those of us who will be there to help support you and give you a little light on your journey.

Take Care

[JMO2]

I wonder what ever happened to Love UNCONDITIONALLY?
It seems to me that that has fallen by the wayside to more convinient things in life and one thing that isn't convinient for them is the fact that there is "Another woman in the house" other than herself.
I am engaged to a woman that thinks it was a "Phaze I was going through at that time".
She still doesn't know it is a part of my everyday living.
Where do I stand?
I don't know, but she does say she loves me unconditionally and we will find out after we are married. It will either make or break the marriage because that is a part she is going to have to accept.........(part of that unconditional love)

[darcyann]

Hello

It is a hardship, and I was in the same boat as you were with my wife we are both seperated and soon to get a divorce. Do not get me wrong I loved my wife, but I also loved the way I am. And my wife could not except that. The question you have to ask yourself and her. If she truely loves you and she knows you truely love her she will except you. So do what your heart tells you and not what other people think you should do. Search deep in your heart and ask yourself if this is what you want. Than from there be happy with yourself always, because if there is a slightest idea you think you do not want to do this than you will regret it it for ever.


Love


Darcy Ann

[Jodi Lynn]

I am not really sure how to answer this one. We have been married for 31 years, and forsure it wouldn't be the same without her. I only came out to her this past April, after all those years of hidding. She is not accepting of Jodi. And I have tried to talk to her about it and she blows up. But then I also have to think about other things in my life. Our son is 25, and is serverlly mentaly and physically handicapped, and we have to take care of him. It would be hard for just one of us to take care of him. Also her mother lives with us and she is not in the best of health, so we also have to take care of her. So I guess we have a marriage of convinance, other then our son we don't have many intrests that are the same, when we can we both go our own way. I know I still love her and I think she still loves me. I have though about leaving many times, but I don't. I feel too many others need me here to leave. If someday I could leave I most likely would. I think it would be a relife to both of us if we could. BUT...... then again I have a very bad fear of being alone forever, so I just don't know what will come.

[TGMarla]

JMO2, think hard about what you're doing. If she already knows that you dabbled, you had better put it on the table now, before you have a situation that may blow up in your face. It's your choice, but I would have you save yourself a lot of pain later on.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

tammy

just saw this thread and as you know i am in similar straights with some differences.(kids are the biggie)/

anyway..the 2 biggest things i am thinking about now is that i think loving somebody warts and all is a choice..being "in love" at the beginning is god's way(or if you are not religous-nature's way!!) of giving us a chance to get the stage where you really can spend the rest of your life together..WARTS AND ALL... the other big thing is that you can't change your partner..she has to want to change..i can change, she can change, but i can't change her..seems like common sense but in all relationships we all think in terms of ""If only she would just change this or that....then we could be better off"...no way that works and its such a trap we all fall into it..

recently my wife complained to me that she was still having trouble trusting me..she expressed it in terms of how she thought we were partners for life and i said that if we are partners for life then why does she want a separation???? (we are currently planning to temporarily split after xmas)
we had a good talk after that as i think she really had to think hard about that..anyway..you know i'm here and hope you can get into a good place in your mind..i'm not there yet either, but i'm working on it

michele

[Sarahgurl371]

JMO2, think hard about what you're doing. If she already knows that you dabbled, you had better put it on the table now, before you have a situation that may blow up in your face. It's your choice, but I would have you save yourself a lot of pain later on.


JMO2,
Marla is right. Ask yourself if "part of your everday life" includes something from the TG spectrum. If so, IMHO you need to fully explain this to your wife to be. Otherwise, you could very easily end up in the same situation as some of us here. You have the luxury of this fine site, and so many like it to help you explore yourself and your true feelings. I certainlly did not have anything like this 15 years ago when I got married, I thought for a long time into my marraige that I ws the only one.

You have the opportunity to know that you are not alone. That takes a huge part of the problem away. Please dig deep inot yourself, ask yourself what is it that I want from a marraige, and can this person fulfill those desires. If not, I am afraid that you may be just setting yourself up for a fall, and your wife to be as well. So many here have said that had they known then, what they know now about themselves and the TG part in themselves, they would have lead a different life. There is powerful food for thought in these statements. I for one know that, if I am ever in your situation again, nothing but absolute truth and honesty concerning my TGness will be discussed with my SO prior to marraige.

good luck

[Sarahgurl371]

Marla, Michele, Jodi

It seems that so many of us can identify with each others situation. JMO2, I hope you are paying attention. These are real people, and real feelings invovled here. If any one out there reading this is in a situation where you are starting a new LTR, and haven't told your SO, please take the bull by the horns. If you think that you are scared now, give a marraige of a couple of years, and all that goes with it, its proper respect.

So many of us here talk about leaving except for ________________. (you fill it in) My point is that once you create a union between two people, so many more are included in that life. So many more are exposed to the ramifications of our actions. So many are vulnerable. And if you think that you are having problems making a decision now regarding where you fit in and how big a part of your life this stuff is, just wait till some years go by, and go by they will. Life will happen.

Just wait till you have kids, (thankfully I do not, despite the blessing they bring, as I can't even begin to understand how that would complicate things now). Wait till you have sick parents, or step parents, wait till you care about someone so much, that the thought of them having to fend for themselves, without you, scares the crap out of you. But that someone isn't happy with, or is disgusted by this part of you.

So many of us here have stated either here or in our minds, that If only _________ wasn't so, I would be on my own, I would give me a chance. I am not knocking us, I am just trying to illistrate a point to those in our shoes prior to marraige and life happens. OTOH, some of the girls who have posted here, have given thier opinion that I should stop feeling guilty for needing to be myself, and that I am not responsible for her happiness or anyone elses for that matter. which I agree with. But how do you reconcile that with the feelings of love and caring for the others in your life? So many questions!!!:confused:

I guess the old saying is correct....As soon as you figure out the answer, they change the question.

[GGs]

Hi,

I imagine it must be very difficult being in a relationship where part of you is not accepted. As others have said you must decide if you can continue to live hiding an important parrt of you or will you be happier alone living with this part out in the open. Neither is going to be easy and they both have many drawbacks. I love my partner being a CD it allows him to be a more caring understanding person I have found. I know this is not really advice as the decision rests with you and your situation but there are others who understand as he came out of a relationship where there was no tolerence and it became very difficult for him mentally. I wish you all the best and offer my hugs.

[Sarahgurl371]

Hi,

I imagine it must be very difficult being in a relationship where part of you is not accepted. As others have said you must decide if you can continue to live hiding an important parrt of you or will you be happier alone living with this part out in the open. Neither is going to be easy and they both have many drawbacks. I love my partner being a CD it allows him to be a more caring understanding person I have found. I know this is not really advice as the decision rests with you and your situation but there are others who understand as he came out of a relationship where there was no tolerence and it became very difficult for him mentally. I wish you all the best and offer my hugs.


Thank you. All you accepting GGs keep giving me hope. Hope is a good thing!:)