Some comments re: to my grave post

[flogo920]

GREAT POST !!!! Why complicate your life ????

I recently had a vacation when my daughter bought me a 2 week NON-refundable ticket to a resort area. I planned to meet another forum member and possibly dress together.

When I got there he just broke uo with a significant GG in his life, and has sworn to give uo dressing. Needless to say we talked, dined, but did not dress together. Learned MUCH about life from him .

FROM A 50+ year perspective it seems that

1. Crossdressing violates a series of cultural taboos and is nearly universally
labelled as perverted and deviant by MOST people (I KNOW there are exceptons.

2. Even women I had dressed with told me they would NOT want a mate that
crossdressed.( They also bought me things I was too ashamed to purchase myself)

3. Judging from the number of years I see CDs personal ads I would think it can be a VERY lonely life. The same people in the same area NOT connecting.

4. Many parts to my saga are NOT for distribution to anyone. I have found that there is NOTHING, I mean NOTHING that can give the tactile deep
limbic/hypoythalmic pleasure of putting on a lacy bra, Thigh highs, panties, high heels- it is sensory overload in the pleasure center and I haven't added make-up, clothes. BUT would I want to share that with someone who condemns
this- *$#@ NO !!! I find with the sensual pleasure comes a feeling of vulnerability to negativity that is almost painful.

5. I notice many here are married, some have kids. Do you share cigars with your buddies ? Would you share a good Fuentes with your wife or kids ? NO
@#$%^ WAAY. Do you discuss your cigar smoking with your wife ?

One year my wonderful wife bought me the book Girlfriend, Men Women and Drag- another time she told me how repulsive the idea of my dressing is to her.

I find that maintaining a marriage. family , and profession takes a lot. I have only offered cigars once to my wife who could not get past the smell-do I smoke in the closet ? No-but the back yard is OK-

If crossdressing is affecting your marriage- stop and get a reality check- we compartmentalise our lives- it means it is interfering with more important survival needs-marriage, kids, and REAL responsibilities.

I dress away from family and friends-compensates for the incredibly macho life I have somehow ended up with. ( The first person to see Flo, back in the days of printed personal ads and post-office boxes, was a former soldier)

Sharing a secret is ALWAYS a mistake-think of it as giving an edge to a possible intimate opponent.

Hugs,

Flo

[PretzelGirl]

Well I am sorry you feel that way. But you have to realize while there are many that would agree with you, there are also many that would disagree. As diverse a group we are, you will see all experiences. So for many of us, our life isn't lonely, our wife wants us as a mate, we are not seen as a deviant, and we became closer to our loved ones by sharing the secret.

I really am sorry it hasn't worked as well as you. But I also think that something that is this much a part of me can have a better comparison then some rolled up leaves.

[flogo920]

Your High School Teacher is right - The scenario you describe no doubt exists, and better it exist for you- What I am saying is that we are a part of a small, secretive, slightly paranoid group,( those of us in closet) and your scenario is several standard deviations from the mean-

Hugs,

Flo

[Sara Jessica]

1. Crossdressing violates a series of cultural taboos and is nearly universally
labelled as perverted and deviant by MOST people (I KNOW there are exceptons.

Not sure I'd say by most people. Perhaps by "many" or "a lot" but I think saying "most" is not giving enough credit to a lot of people out there.


2. Even women I had dressed with told me they would NOT want a mate that
crossdressed.( They also bought me things I was too ashamed to purchase myself)

This true, many women who think the TG thing is kind of neato will say at the same time, not in my own backyard. But your comment also reveals something important about yourself, that you seem to be approaching this whole thing from a position of shame which is, well, such a shame.


3. Judging from the number of years I see CDs personal ads I would think it can be a VERY lonely life. The same people in the same area NOT connecting.

Is it any more lonely than the perpetually single 50-something-plus guy who isn't a CD?


4. Many parts to my saga are NOT for distribution to anyone. I have found that there is NOTHING, I mean NOTHING that can give the tactile deep
limbic/hypoythalmic pleasure of putting on a lacy bra, Thigh highs, panties, high heels- it is sensory overload in the pleasure center and I haven't added make-up, clothes. BUT would I want to share that with someone who condemns
this- *$#@ NO !!! I find with the sensual pleasure comes a feeling of vulnerability to negativity that is almost painful.

So is this to mean that one who find the CD thing to be erotic in any way should avoid intimacy with someone else, lest they might encounter negativity???


5. I notice many here are married, some have kids. Do you share cigars with your buddies ? Would you share a good Fuentes with your wife or kids ? NO
@#$%^ WAAY. Do you discuss your cigar smoking with your wife ?

This seems to equate the CD thing with a hobby. For some that might be true but for many others, whether identifying as CD, TS or somewhere in between, this is part of our essence. Shouldn't our partner be well aware of our essence?


I find that maintaining a marriage. family , and profession takes a lot. I have only offered cigars once to my wife who could not get past the smell-do I smoke in the closet ? No-but the back yard is OK-...If crossdressing is affecting your marriage- stop and get a reality check- we compartmentalise our lives- it means it is interfering with more important survival needs-marriage, kids, and REAL responsibilities.

If your version of balance includes keeping things compartmentalized away from your wife, there is nothing wrong with that. But others achieve balance by way of inclusion and this doesn't necessarily affect those survival needs you mention. Those people are no less responsible.


Sharing a secret is ALWAYS a mistake-think of it as giving an edge to a possible intimate opponent.


Although everyone's situation is different, being honest is rarely a mistake, although I am an advocate for sharing one's TG nature BEFORE marriage. The positivity of honesty seems to take a hit which is often proportional to the number of years the couple was together before the TG thing was disclosed.

[Tina B.]

Sorry Flo, but I don't relate to your plight, I told my wife 37 years ago, and it has had only positive results for my marriage, while I don't dress in public, I do dress at home whenever I want. most of my prettiest clothes my wife has bought for me, as gifts. I make out very good at birthdays and Christmas, getting both male type gifts, mixed in with dresses, nightgowns and such for my female side. And I'm not the only one on here that can tell you the same things about there households. I'm sorry your wife feels the way she does, but to me your life sounds lonely, it I had to play macho full time, except when I could get away by myself, I would feel lonely even in a crowd, it's called not being able to be who you are. Even ham actors like to get off the stage sometimes and just be themselves, and getting away from time to time, would not fullfill my needs. I feel everyone needs to be who they are, especially in there own home, and if I couldn't, I'd rather live a lone, and be me. Oh, and it never had any effect on my making a living and I've never felt a need to tell any of my friends, it has nothing to do with them anyway.
Tina B.

[Stephanie47]

Flo, you are correct in stating "Sharing a secret ALWAYS a mistake." Secrets are best kept by ONE person. However, everyone has to evaluate whether the secret is worth keeping or should be shared. I always look at the consequences, risk and rewards, of all my actions. We don't live in a vacuum. You do what is best for you.

[Karren H]

I don't have any argument with what you say.... except I don't smoke.... or really hang around with male buddies.....

[Kate Simmons]

Well, I had stopped smoking my see-gars a few years back. Couldn't really find a valid reason to continue. The male friends I hang out with are also CDers and we get together in either mode. Friends are friends to me.:)

[Annaliese]

We have to look at our own life and make the chooses that are best for us. Time will tell whether that chose was right.
Hugs to all

[Brianna612]

When I got there he just broke uo with a significant GG in his life, and has sworn to give uo dressing. Needless to say we talked, dined, but did not dress together. Learned MUCH about life from him .

FROM A 50+ year perspective

This coming from a 53 year perspective:

Seems like you are getting info from a disgruntled CDer. Ready to give it up because he sees the CDing as the cause of a painful breakup. He has done his homework, creating every reason not to dress. Naturally if he stops dressing everything will be all right, right? Within 5 years he will be aching with the need to dress and go through the whole gilt thing again.

This is not a choice that we have made. I have gone through all these emotions and have tried to quit. I am a CDer and glad to be. There are women out there that are happy to be with us. All you have to do is be up front and you will find them. If you hide well hiding = trouble in my book. Believe me I tried hiding from my X and that ended badly. From that moment on I made it a point to be up front. My SO and I of 15 years are very happy together, and I Love my life now. It took a lot of pain to get to where I am , but it has been worth it. Your situation will call for a little give and take but quitting is not the answer. You can try and you may succeed, but I would place a hefty bet on "you will dress again." Good luck

And by the way sharing my secret has been very liberating for me, not a mistake at all.

[flogo920]

Thanks for looking and commenting- I think it is interesting that in many studies of "nornal" and crossdressers, age and other variables controlled for, the only statistically different catergory was that CDs are more tactile --hence the pleasure overload and the easy development of addiction to that.

Face it the pleasure per dollar spent and time spent makes it a bargain



Hugs,

Flo

[Barbara Ella]

The life experience of each individual makes up the decision and the rationalization for it. Can never say all, or everyone, or never, or always. Won't play even for a little bit. Never say never.

Barbara