Why the heack would she do that?

[JaytoJillian]

SO's relatives are visiting from out of town. I come home from work, change into a pair of shorts and join everyone on the deck. SO comes over to where I'm sitting and starts rubbing her bare foot briskly on my lower leg. She then asks, "So, Mr. triathalon, when are you going to stop shaving your legs, I miss the hair! I'm going to have to start rubbing HIS legs (motioning to her cousin's husband who sports a good amount of body hair)." Can you imagine me complaining about stubble on her legs and suggesting that I start rubbing her cousin's legs to get the smooth sensation that I like???? Sounds pretty boorish, right? I could tell it made the guests feel uncomfortable, but they are wayyyyy too polite to say anything.

I am athletic, but everyone knows that I am NOT a triathlete. So, did she just make this comment to make me feel uncomfortable about CDing and put me in a position of feeling the need to explain WHY I shave my legs and my armpits? She often attempts to make me feel ashamed of CDing but never in front of others. Is this a new level of the nagging meaness that I have experienced since It all came out about six years ago? All I know is that I can't continue on much longer with being judged so harshly--If my being a crossdresser makes her so miserable why doesn't she just leave?

[Mollyanne]

Hi J2J, Yes, your SO is putting you in a VERY bad position and trying to "box you in". Maybe you should ask her if tables were reversed, how would she feel and/or react if you said the same thing about her cousin. I don't think she would like it very much!!!!!! As far as leaving, why don't you ask her????? When it comes to "affairs of the heart" there is no actual reasoning. You really do have my sympathy and my support in this tough situation.

Molly

[JaytoJillian]

Awwww thanks, Molly. I appreciate the sympathetic ear---no angel here, but I am respectful always, so I am dumfounded with this latest twist in my saga called life.

[STACY B]

Hell ya ever take a look in the Mirror ? You to dam good looking to leave ,,,I think your a Keeper thats why ,, So just Roll with it ,,,, Don't last long those folks being over ,,Give them something to talk about on the ride home ,, Good come back next time she says something about shaving your legs , When she says when are ya gonna stop shaving your legs just look at her strait in the eye an say Come onnnnnnnnnnn You know I DON'T SHAVE ,,,I Neet , Works everytime ,,, At least for me it does ,,,Don't be so touchy if ya give in then they got CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[Jeanna]

Hell ya ever take a look in the Mirror ? You to dam good looking to leave ,,,I think your a Keeper thats why ,, So just Roll with it ,,,, Don't last long those folks being over ,,Give them something to talk about on the ride home ,, Good come back next time she says something about shaving your legs , When she says when are ya gonna stop shaving your legs just look at her strait in the eye an say Come onnnnnnnnnnn You know I DON'T SHAVE ,,,I Neet , Works everytime ,,, At least for me it does ,,,Don't be so touchy if ya give in then they got CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Hey Jay read this a second time, Stacy is right!...sometimes lol

["Mary"]

I get a little bit of this, too from time to time. Nothing so blatant. My wife is rather tolerant and very kind.

[Brenda79135]

Order some rabbit fur and have pants made. She can't complain about the hair then.

[k lynn]

My ex used to do things pop my bra strap and drop hints about my undies when her family members came over

[donnalee]

The truth is, our mates know our buttons well and sometimes they just can't resist pushing them, probably to make sure they still work. That's bad enough but to do so with others around is just plain mean and potentially dangerous. I hope it was just a momentary lapse on your SO's part, but she needs to understand how hurt you were and the possible harm she could cause to your family.

[BRANDYJ]

I don't know you or your wife Jillian, so it hard to say why she did this. From what you say, it's obvious that your wife knows you are a CD and that she does not like it and perhaps only tolerates it to the extent that she hasn't left or issues any ultimatums to you concerning it. I assume you do not dress around her and maybe try to keep it out of her view and conversations. Kind of a DADT thing?
Could it be that she did this to bring up the subject of crossdressing so she had some allies to talk about this with,assuming she has no one that knows about you and she feels the burden of keeping this secret and is wanting to have someone in the family to talk to about it.
What disturbs me about your post is your last comment, "If my being a crossdresser makes her so miserable why doesn't she just leave?" What I don't read is whether or not you love her or if you feel she loves you too. The way you said that makes me think that maybe you want her to leave.
it's not just your post, but I see it in almost all posts where there is an issue with a non-accepting wife. Seems the subject of love, respect and other associated reasons for being married in the first place are left out of the posts where the OP has a problem to discuss, rant about, or ask for help or opinions about the issue they face. So it leads some to say things like, end it, move on, leave her, kick her out, etc. Lie that's an easy thing emotionally or economically. But you ask why she doesn't just leave, as if that would not bother you...or would it?
But again, maybe she was reaching out to someone in her family to have someone to talk to about her concerns about your dressing. Hard to say.

[Miranda09]

You know Jillian, it seems to be a rather immature thing to make such a comment in front of others, but, my response would simply be...You KNOW I don't like hair and that's why I shave!! ;) Besides, CDer's aren't the only males that shave. Most male models do, many athletes do, and alot "regular guys" do. To many, it's just part of good grooming. You might pull off to the side and ask her...What are you trying to prove? Hope I'm not sounding too harsh... :)

[Marlana]

You are beautiful. Perhaps she feels threatened by Jillian, in that she may take you over. My wife was taken by surprise when she saw my shaved underarms. "You got a little crazy with the razor,huh?" I told her I felt it was out of control and and took it all off. It'll grow back I told her. As for your situation, just tell her that you never know when that next race is gonna be. I'd rather not deal with the itching so I keep it shaved.

[stefan37]

The only person you should be concerned about when you shave your legs is your SO. Nobody cares. Once you get over your own feelings of insecurity, honestly nobody cares. I have had hairless legs for a long time and nobody has ever made an issue of it. I attended a vintage car show and race in Watkins Glen this month. It was a very beautiful day and most people had shorts on. I can not even begin to give you the number of men I saw with hairless legs. If people do ask just tell them you are shaving for hygienic reasons. I believe the biggest obstacle is not feeling self conscious about hairless legs or your body. I have also have hairless armpits and do wear tanks and nobody has asked about that either. What people may ask about are colored nail polish and eyemakeup which I wear daily.

[Stephenie S]

Pretty much the response is spot on. The only problem here (besides your wife's impolite behavior) is that YOU feel guilty and ashamed.

If you can't own your behavior, you should not be doing it. Period. If you do shave your legs, own it. There is no explanation other than "I like it", needed.

Now your wife? Well, calling attention to someone's grooming habits in public is kinda poor taste, don't you think? But you still have to be ready to defend yourself. Don't let your guilt overcome your intelligence. "I shave my legs 'cause I hate the hair".

I dunno. Family dynamics are so complicated. See if you two can come to some sort of understanding, huh? Would she appreciate a negative comment about HER grooming when you are in public?

[Thera Home]

SO's relatives are visiting from out of town. I come home from work, change into a pair of shorts and join everyone on the deck. SO comes over to where I'm sitting and starts rubbing her bare foot briskly on my lower leg. She then asks, "So, Mr. triathalon, when are you going to stop shaving your legs, I miss the hair!

Hi Jillian
My wife did that too me once in front of guests and relatives, I just blew her a kiss and said "but I thought you liked the feeling". Everyone including my wife got a good chuckle out of it and we continued the party w/o a beat.:D

Thera

[linda allen]

SO's relatives are visiting from out of town. I come home from work, change into a pair of shorts and join everyone on the deck. SO comes over to where I'm sitting and starts rubbing her bare foot briskly on my lower leg. She then asks, "So, Mr. triathalon, when are you going to stop shaving your legs, I miss the hair! I'm going to have to start rubbing HIS legs (motioning to her cousin's husband who sports a good amount of body hair)." .........

You use the term "SO" which leaves us wondering - wife, long term, live in girlfriend, uncommitted girlfriend, or even another male. It makes a difference. To get any serious advice, anything more than "poor baby", we've got to know.

[kristinacd55]

I can relate Jillian.....difference is my wife's going out with other men instead of rubbing MY legs lol. Even touching me is way beyond her now. Talk about throwing it in your face!

[JaytoJillian]

Anyone remember that first Living Social commercial that featured the crossdressing guy a couple of years agao? It aired on Superbowl Sunday during the game. Just like the manly man depicted in the ad, CDing was a progression for me. Heck, when I got married quite a few years ago, I would have never in my wildest dreams think that one day I would identify as a CD. Sure, I had tried on articles of women's clothing--usually in the company of a woman with whom I had an intimate relationship, and then, it was part of enhancing the lovemaking. Other than that, there were instances of experimentation when I was in grade school.

I got into CDing in 2006--I was "home alone" for about 30 days. Two weeks into it I decided to see how I would look en femme for some reason. I liked the feeling and I was intrigued by the look. Less than a year later, I told all to my SO---a move that I regret to this day. The relationship went from bad to worse. CDing became the icing on the cake for every argument--"I really don't like how you drive--and you're a crossdresser."

Someone commented that it doesn't sound like I care or that there is any love there--All I know is that I feel happy when she is out of the house, and I feel nothing but stress when she is near--And this feeling didn't begin with CDing.

I dont think either of us like one another very much.

[Marie-Elise]

Anyone remember that first Living Social commercial that featured the crossdressing guy a couple of years agao? It aired on Superbowl Sunday during the game. Just like the manly man depicted in the ad, CDing was a progression for me. Heck, when I got married quite a few years ago, I would have never in my wildest dreams think that one day I would identify as a CD. Sure, I had tried on articles of women's clothing--usually in the company of a woman with whom I had an intimate relationship, and then, it was part of enhancing the lovemaking. Other than that, there were instances of experimentation when I was in grade school.

I got into CDing in 2006--I was "home alone" for about 30 days. Two weeks into it I decided to see how I would look en femme for some reason. I liked the feeling and I was intrigued by the look. Less than a year later, I told all to my SO---a move that I regret to this day. The relationship went from bad to worse. CDing became the icing on the cake for every argument--"I really don't like how you drive--and you're a crossdresser."

Someone commented that it doesn't sound like I care or that there is any love there--All I know is that I feel happy when she is out of the house, and I feel nothing but stress when she is near--And this feeling didn't begin with CDing.

I dont think either of us like one another very much.

Then, why make yourselves miserable? Kids?

I know that, for me, I would stay because I don't want to have to rebuild everything I worked for at my age. Luckily, I am not in that position. But it does make me wonder why the two of you stay in what appears to be a confining and unpleasant life together.

[27th Jennifer]

My wife has done similar things to me. Maybe she was trying to cause me to feel ashamed so I would stop shaving. I think a part of the situation for me is that I've always had a generally high level of confidence in myself, and I think she may think she has found a weakness. There was a time where there WAS a weakness there, but no more. Don't be bullied. As some of the other replies have said, if you shave, OWN IT! (I love that! Thanks, Stephanie!)
Best of luck to you!
Ana B.

[TGMarla]

Geez, Jill. This has been going on for years. She obviously did this to make you uncomfortable in front of others, and I don't blame you for being put out by it. I don't know how you two have lasted this long, frankly. Is it worth it to you to stay together? What's in it for you? Glutton for abuse? We all care about you here, and we hate to see you unhappy.

[Diane Douglas]

We had friends over one night and my wife was retelling a story from years ago. While it was a minor story, the way she was telling it made me look like a fool. So I told her, in front of everyone.

Maybe you just need to express your displeasure of her comments in front of everyone.

Good luck with your marriage.

[~Joanne~]

Sorry to hear about all of this Jillian. Sounds as if your marriage is about to come undone. No one has suggested it but maybe instead of waiting for it to happen, or her to leave, why not leave yourself and move on to the life where you are happy? What is holding you into a life of misery?

[StephanieC]

How open is she normally with her family? Some share everything. Or perhaps she's looking for support from her family.

My SO does this a number of times, frequently with the kids. I usually ignore it. But in private I will remind her I am not a pet nor a blanket. I'm also getting old...I don't need grey hair to remind me of that fact.

Good luck!

-stephani

[suchacutie]

The best defense is a good offense. The key here is NOT to feel guilty! Be above it and you will be in the driver's seat! So she rubs her legs and tries to embarass you in front of family. Why not just tell her to "go ahead if that's what you feel is right".

Either she loves you or she doesn't, in the end. So if she wants to head to other men for what she needs, you'll know exactly what to do. If your response wakes her up, you'll know what to do with that as well.

Best of luck with this!

[docrobbysherry]

Jillian, I've been married and divorced. I learned the hard way about about "direct communication"! Don't F around with her! If u want to know why she said that rite then, ASK HER! And, TELL HER u didn't like it! That's probably all u need to do to clear the air and avoid a repetition.

However, if she laffs it off, explain clearly and calmly what will happen if she does it again. You'll turn the question around and ask HER why she STOPPED SHAVING HER ----, (add whatever u feel is appropriate), in front of the visitors! That should certainly end her snide comments!

[Wildaboutheels]

Per your second post, the handwriting is on the wall and everywhere else. For 5 years and yet, you are STILL together? If the Relationship has been in trouble since you told her...

And if you really don't know why you stay with her, she probably feels the same. Most likley you are both still together out of convenience of one type or another?

She might be fighting her inner demons as Brandy suggested over CDing. maybe she wanted to get/hoped to get your CDing out in the open hoping to get some "backup" from others, on her opinion.

Or, she is hoping to end your Relationship but is unwilling/too AFRAID to simply tell you so, and her recent remark was her trying to get the ball rolling in that regard.

To me, it looks pretty cut and dry. Clearly time for the both of you to go your separate ways. LONG overdue in fact.

[Leslie Langford]

Certainly your wife's discomfort with your crossdressing likely plays into this, and on some subconscious level, she is trying to get a "dig" in at you and embarrass you in front of your visitors in a "nudge, nudge, wink, wink" kind of way without being too obvious about hinting at your "hobby" - even if it might raise some suspicions in they eyes.

But I have always found that women seem to have a curious sense of entitlement when it comes to touching men - even strangers - that, if men exercised the same prerogative - would quickly saddle them with a sexual harassment complaint or even lawsuit.

I'm talking here about their touchy-feely ways, such as, say, even a total stranger like a cashier or restaurant server lightly touching you on the hand or forearm to make a point, or a co-worker gently brushing or resting her hand on your shoulder as she is trying to get your attention. This is likely part of the seduction mechanism that is hard-wired into the female brain to get the attention of the opposite sex, and otherwise manifests itself in such things as sideways glances, a flick of the hair, or the wiggle in the way they walk etc. Sounds as if on some level, your wife was also being flirtatious with the kinds of comments she was making.

Then again, maybe she was just trying to get your attention in front of your company and maybe even arouse a bit of guilt or jealousy in you - and what better way to get your attention than to raise the spectre of your crossdressing in your eyes, based on your past history in this regard.

[STACY B]

Certainly your wife's discomfort with your crossdressing likely plays into this, and on some subconscious level, she is trying to get a "dig" in at you and embarrass you in front of your visitors in a "nudge, nudge, wink, wink" kind of way without being too obvious about hinting at your "hobby" - even if it might raise some suspicions in they eyes.

But I have always found that women seem to have a curious sense of entitlement when it comes to touching men - even strangers - that, if men exercised the same prerogative - would quickly saddle them with a sexual harassment complaint or even lawsuit.

I'm talking here about their touchy-feely ways, such as, say, even a total stranger like a cashier or restaurant server lightly touching you on the hand or forearm to make a point, or a co-worker gently brushing or resting her hand on your shoulder as she is trying to get your attention. This is likely part of the seduction mechanism that is hard-wired into the female brain to get the attention of the opposite sex, and otherwise manifests itself in such things as sideways glances, a flick of the hair, or the wiggle in the way they walk etc. Sounds as if on some level, your wife was also being flirtatious with the kinds of comments she was making.

Then again, maybe she was just trying to get your attention in front of your company and maybe even arouse a bit of guilt or jealousy in you - and what better way to get your attention than to raise the spectre of your crossdressing in your eyes, based on your past history in this regard.



The OL Emarrassment thing is a No Hitter with Me !! I eat it like Candy ,,The worse it gets the more I like it ,, Say what you will but at the end of the day guess who don't care ,,,An that's worse than a slap in the mouth !!! LOL,,,,

[evadan]

Jillian,

You both sound unhappy. Do you have children? If not, it may be time to move on. You are beautiful and we all know you need your self expression.

I am sorry for your pain.

Eva

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Jillian, Sometimes people just love to rattle others cages just to make themselfs feel better.

[JaytoJillian]

I should have been more clear. It is the attempt to "control by shaming" that has me upset. I don't mind people noticing that they are clean shaven, I have told the few who have asked that I simply like them that way. Her alluding to them being shaved because of triathalons was an untruth that could have just made things more awkward. I felt like she thought she was demonstrating that she "had something" on me and that did not sit well with me. I have not said anything and was just pulsing the board to see if I am reading this right.

[Chickhe]

The best answer to something like that is to respond with 'someday I'll have to get you out exercising with me, your backside is getting a little large!'... you say it as a joke, but it puts her in her place and lets her know two can play the same game. Too bad it makes the others feel uncomfortable. I would mark it off as stress...something is eating at her but she's not going to tell you unless you ask her...with my wife its usually happens about every month and she acts a little unpredictable...so I just avoid her for a while.

[Beverley Sims]

A little bit of power play going on here.
I would respond appropriately.

[Tina B.]

Sorry, but your wife is mean, plain and simple. You ask, if she is that unhappy, why hasn't see left you, I've got ask the same of you. You say things went from bad to worse, and has been that way for 5 years, that's two years longer than my first marriage lasted, because we where both unhappy. at 68 I still say life is just to short to spend it being miserable, and after that much time, what do think is going to change. I never recommend break ups, but on the other hand, I do think a person owes it to them self to at least try to find happiness in life. After all when it's over, it's over, so don't waste it.
Tina B.

[reb.femme]

You might pull off to the side and ask her...What are you trying to prove? Hope I'm not sounding too harsh... :)

Hi Jillian,

I go with Miranda on this one, and Brandy likewise was very thoughtful overall.
Without asking the question, everything else is pure supposition.

My wife teases me sometimes but never so bitterly, in fact I would be mortified if she did. Plus, she now has her sister as a confidante, which has certainly eased her feelings of enclosure with my/our secret.

Reb

[Gaby2]

Tough call, Jillian - I'm glad I viewed your lovely hotel post first - it's reassuring to see you so confident and happy!
You and your wife might be drifting irretrievably apart, but maybe you're not...

I regret losing my wife and best friend of about twenty years - and she still doesn't understand why I had to leave her.
I am sure now, that our break-up was mostly caused by "my inability to communicate", whatever that means.

Firstly I didn't really know anything about CDing... there was just this "desire" - at least you're way ahead of me there.

Secondly, and more importantly, my Ex and I didn't (or couldn't) continue to grow together as partners... because of CDing in particular.
Indeed, after she had busted me in a horrific manner, CDing became a reoccurring and festering problem because of her heightened awareness... and my guilt-complexes.
Go get help from a third party... together with her... and because she's worth it!
:hugs:Gaby

[J.Meredith]

Oh I love it!!! I should have tried that a long time ago.

[lowxr]

SO's relatives are visiting from out of town. I come home from work, change into a pair of shorts and join everyone on the deck. SO comes over to where I'm sitting and starts rubbing her bare foot briskly on my lower leg. She then asks, "So, Mr. triathalon, when are you going to stop shaving your legs, I miss the hair! I'm going to have to start rubbing HIS legs (motioning to her cousin's husband who sports a good amount of body hair)." Can you imagine me complaining about stubble on her legs and suggesting that I start rubbing her cousin's legs to get the smooth sensation that I like???? Sounds pretty boorish, right? I could tell it made the guests feel uncomfortable, but they are wayyyyy too polite to say anything.

I am athletic, but everyone knows that I am NOT a triathlete. So, did she just make this comment to make me feel uncomfortable about CDing and put me in a position of feeling the need to explain WHY I shave my legs and my armpits? She often attempts to make me feel ashamed of CDing but never in front of others. Is this a new level of the nagging meaness that I have experienced since It all came out about six years ago? All I know is that I can't continue on much longer with being judged so harshly--If my being a crossdresser makes her so miserable why doesn't she just leave?

My answer: yeah but his legs wouldn't look as good in Suntan pantyhose as mine !!!! LOL

[linda allen]

Jillian, you didn't answer my question directly but you did mention in passing in a later post that this "SO" is actually your wife, not a girlfriend. It would make things so much easier for all of us if we would all be clear on these things.

I was going to suggest that if your wife asks you in public why you shave your legs, you should say "Because my girlfriend likes them that way.", but from your later posts, I don't think that would help.

Your marriage and relationship is clearly over except for the crying. She doesn't love you and you don't love her. As a veteran of two failed marriages and one successful one of 30+ years, I can tell you it's not worth it to live in an unhappy relationship. There is someone out there who will love you for who you are or you can even live alone. You'll still be happier than what you are presenting to us.

Give it some serious thought.

[kimdl93]

Jill, why don't you ask her. It seems to me that people do stuff like that in the abscence of another outlet for what they want to say. And while you're at it, let her know how it makes you feel when she says something that - at least from your perspective - seems intentionally hurtful. This may be a difficult situation, but it may help improve on the current situation.

For the life of me, I can't imagine why anyone would claim to like hairy legs - ugh!

[Kristyn Hill]

I have a loving excepting wife or I would remind her how fast she could be replaced. You are beautiful so I know you are a goodlooking fella and another woman will not be a problem if that is what is needed. I hope she is equally attractive so she will not be sitting around after you make the final decision. I know my reaction is harsh but our exceptance is hard enough much less coming out to the one that is supposed to have our back at all times then not being responded to in that manner.

[deebra]

Jill, alot of females are born with this thing where they have to control their mate and they can get on one item and nag, nag, nag because of their insecurity and need to dominate and control. Her sadistic little leg thing just showed she wanted the power over you to show the guests and her self that she was the boss. I was married to a mean bitch that had the same mindset and I didn't want to end it either and loose everything I had worked for but we divorced and I "came back" materially and have more now and am a million times happier. You can to and enjoy total unlimited freedom as Jill. Living with someone like you described can beat you down and destroy your self worth, when you get away from them it comes back and you get the feeling back that you are a good person.

[NicoleScott]

Tell her "I'm not a triathlete, but I am trisexual - I'll try anything sexual"

[linda allen]

I have a loving excepting wife or I would remind her how fast she could be replaced. .............


alot of females are born with this thing where they have to control their mate and they can get on one item and nag, nag, nag because of their insecurity and need to dominate and control. ............

No sexist male pigs here, thank goodness! :devil:

[PetiteDuality]

Let's not overreact. It's natural that our SOs feel uncomfortable about our CDing.

She could have done it for the reasons expressed here, plus:

- A subtle way to say "I own you and I could embarrass you if I want to"
- Maybe she feels a bit conscious about others noticing your shaved legs and she felt compelled to invent the triathlon excuse, with a joke that did not go well
- She wants to send a message that she prefers hairy legs


But... Seriously? Do you want to guess what a woman meant? Just ask her, and let her know that you felt uncomfortable. It might not even be a big deal and she might not even remember the incident that is driving you crazy

[Stephanie47]

A woman has the right to change her mind! And your mind too! I am in a DADT marriage. Recently my wife was watching "America's Got Talent." I was watching baseball in another room. All of a sudden I hear her ranting and stomping through the kitchen. What? Apparently, she was watching an episode with a cross dresser, "All Beef Patty..". She made a point of saying, "That's disgusting! Men are Men and Women are Women and They should act that way!" Was she talking about me? Or has she become so accustom to DADT that she has forgotten I am a cross dresser? Or was she commenting on how "All Beef Patty" looked. I would never dress or act like "All Beef Patty." I am a refine older woman! :)

Anyway, I digressed Jillian. I suspect your SO may not be as accepting to cross dressing as you may think. Or, she is jealous of you. You're a darn good looking hot babe. Based on your avatar picture, your SO knows you can be a run way model. Damn, you're good looking!

[DonnaT]

I should have been more clear. It is the attempt to "control by shaming" that has me upset. I don't mind people noticing that they are clean shaven, I have told the few who have asked that I simply like them that way. Her alluding to them being shaved because of triathalons was an untruth that could have just made things more awkward. I felt like she thought she was demonstrating that she "had something" on me and that did not sit well with me. I have not said anything and was just pulsing the board to see if I am reading this right.
I think you are reading it right.

Trick is to not let her get to you. Be ready for the little "outting" comments, and come back with a quick reply to show you aren't ashamed.

Something like, "you know I'm not a triathlete, I just love the way they feel and look, especially in tights and heels."

Not many will believe the tights and heels part, and you'll get a laugh.