Fear and Starting HRT

[LeaP]

Are you afraid of starting HRT? Do you think you're going to turn into someone else? Does it feel like you're stepping off a cliff or into the unknown? Does it feel like an insurmountable barrier - that you can't decide?

What follows is not advocacy! It is, however, intended as reassurance to those for whom hormones are an appropriate step and who are going ahead but cannot get over their raw fear.

My experience, and those of many others about whom I've read, is that in hindsight starting HRT was a non-event. I always wondered at these descriptions, questioning how could something so consequential not feel earthshaking. Another member recently commented on this topic concerning how mundane the actions associated with consequential acts often are. It's true – the acts themselves are mundane.

But that's not what I'm speaking of. I'm talking about getting over the fear of actually taking that first dose. The thing is, you will lose that fear sometime shortly before taking it. In my case, I lost it on my drive to the doctors office. As with others who have had this fear, losing mine was connected with finally committing to the decision. In other words, if you're stressing about this, stop. You are focused too early on the hormones themselves when you should be focused on making the decision. Sometime between making that decision and taking that dose, you're going to find your commitment. And when you do, the fear will be gone.

You will not lose yourself. I feel more like me than I have felt in many years. So much so, in fact, that in some ways I physically feel like I felt when I was a kid. This may sound nonsensical, but I can feel it in my face, like I've returned to myself. I have no perception of sudden or radical change of any type relating to my sense of self. Everything to-date has been positive. More stability. More presence. No emotional meltdowns. No odd shifts in thinking patterns. No memory issues. No fogginess. Changes are subtle and slow.

One more thing: fear of losing yourself is a variation of holding on to your past, what hasn't worked. Because it's what you know – how you experience yourself – it's really a death fear. But again, you will still feel like you!. (And you're not going to die.)

Several people told me that starting HRT would also start a sort of momentum or bias toward transition. I am finding that this is true. But as real as the concerns associated with with transition are, I can tell you that the prospect doesn't seem quite as appalling as it once did. The fear is quieted somewhat and the thinking is less obstructive. The inner gender dialogue continues, but isn't driving me to distraction as it used to.

So where does this bias or momentum come from? In the relief. In wanting more of yourself. In comprehending more fully - feeling it more because you're more connected - just how much you've lost in your life. Feeling some hope for a change instead of fear, depression, and upset.

People considering hormones are often as frightened as a kid in a dark basement. In fact, I used the phrase "stepping into the dark" myself. But then the light flips on and suddenly you realize you are fine and not only is the place not so scary, it's completely familiar!

I'm not minimizing the consequential nature of HRT - at all - but I am the experience of it.

[sandra-leigh]

Good post.

For me the struggle was certainly over the decision; as soon as I made it, I was much calmer. Some of the anxiety turned into one of "Are they really going to let me take them?" :) But when I finally got the prescription, I didn't squeal and jump up and down: instead, my mind just turned to which bus route to best take to get the prescription filled.

Sure, I also had some jitters about taking the spiro prescription to my regular pharmacy ("What if they figure out that it's hormones?!"). But although you don't necessarily need to use your regular pharmacy, I would suggest that if you can't face the fear of some pharmacy knowing, then you probably aren't ready for hormones. (It has turned out that the assistant who fills my hormone orders most often is gender-ambiguous herself :) )

The first time I put on the estrogen patch, I had a big flush of heat run down my arm, and my heart rate went up enough to concern me. "Oh man, what a rush!". But nothing at all has happened the other times, other than my bitching to myself about how the adhesive doesn't wash off easily. The action itself has indeed become mundane.

[melissaK]

Yes. Yes. Yes. Especially in the momentum to full transition comments. I'm there now. The keys to unraveling old emotional barriers I have (dissociation triggers) have been found by me and the barriers have fallen. I don't know exactly how but HRT was the catalyst. And for me it wasn't until my HRT included both anti T and E.

Hugs,
'lissa

[whowhatwhen]

I'm not sure if I can add 2c here since I haven't started HRT but here is what I thought and what I discussed with my therapist.

In theory, I'm not afraid of HRT.
I'm not afraid of the potential side effects, the possible physical effects, or any of that.

My biggest issue was that it be the right decision, for me starting HRT would mean that I've accepted that I'm a woman and would be transitioning and living full time.
Before that, I mentioned that I would be more comfortable changing my image to (as close to) female and seeing how I feel.

A quick flowchart would be:
Keep growing hair out/losing weight->Facial hair removal->Dressing appropriately 24/7

Regardless of what happens my male appearance is going away, and I feel amazingly happy when the planets align and I can see a woman in the mirror despite all of those pesky masculine features.
Still stuck on phase 1 of that plan though due to lack of funds, but oddly enough gender issues are one hell of a motivator for getting your life back on track.

Personally it comes down to "Can I live happily as a man, even though I wasn't supposed to be one?" and if the answer to that question is no then I should have no issues with HRT.

[Suzette Muguet de Mai]

I want to start HRT, my problem is finding someone who can get me started on it in a supervised way.

[Anna Lorree]

I have absolutely no fear with regard to actually taking HRT. I tried the herbal route some years ago (all it did for me was waste money), so I have previously committed to accepting changes. In fact, I sought them out. Since then, however, my circumstances with my wife have changed, and I am more honest with myself, and with what taking HRT really means to my life. I view it from a more mature perspective now, and realize better that committing to taking HRT will mean an end to certain aspects of my life and marriage. That is why I balk, but the reasons are becoming fewer and fewer. I feel as though it will be soon.

Anna

[Raquel June]

It must have something to do with the way guys get brought up ... it's like your d*ck is supposed to be the most important thing in the world ... But in the back of my mind I did kinda worry that losing testosterone would make me lose my sexuality which would make me lose my humanity.

I'm not going to say that HRT was some kind of magical mind-altering thing. There were no angels singing. My depression didn't disappear instantly. But it was a good thing, and it did give me some degree of peace, even if it was somewhat of a placebo effect.

And something is right about it, because I definitely want to be touched now instead of being kinda disgusted by the idea. Well, I guess I wanna be hugged more than be molested, but still. I feel better with my body.

When I think of testosterone ... that was just a sort of grotesque need to ejaculate then be filled with regret. Not sure what I ever thought was sexual about that.

[sandra-leigh]

My biggest issue was that it be the right decision, for me starting HRT would mean that I've accepted that I'm a woman and would be transitioning and living full time.

There is "transitioning" and there is "Transitioning" :)

I have been "transitioning" for years, in the sense of dealing with my GID and shifting my life to live more female, including starting HRT, thinking seriously on names, going everywhere obviously dressed, living public life as a transgendered person more on the female side.

But I am not thinking about SRS, and my thinking about FFS has been more about getting others to take me seriously than about what I want to look like. I do continue to flirt with the idea of implants, though. I do not consider myself to be transsexual (but I leave open the possibility that some day I might think that.) I am not "Transitioning" -- but I have "transitioned" (changed my life) more than some of the transsexuals here.

HRT does not inherently imply Transitioning, and it certainly does not require that one go on to SRS.

Can you live happily "as a man"? The choice need not be "either/or": if living "in between" works for you, then let it work for you.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

this is a really thoughtful and helpful OP..

what you are describing Lea is true of many of the steps of transition .. looking back i can tick off many moments and many thresholds that seem kind of small now even thought at the time, they felt monumental and scary...even SRS feels like that now...it feels like it never happened and its always been "this way"...

in my opinion, this ties back to the thread of the dream of "constant normalness"...its a feeling you don't know until you've felt it!!! ....and in your case Lea, perhaps you are getting a glimpse of that feeling

[stefan37]

I used all different methods of mitigating my gid. I had anxiety for years but I never attributed to gid. I was openly wearing eye makeup and lightly colored nails for about 3 years and women's shirts to try to look more feminine. I would thin my eyebrows trying to achieve a more feminine look. It got to the point where people I guess got confused and started asking my wife if I was transitioning or what was going on. They wouldn't ask me and it bothered her tremendously. she suggested I go to therapy. It didn't take the therapist long to believe my anxiety was in fact related to my gid. I gave up alcohol and all substances to ensure I had a clear mind while I wrestled with this issue. He suggested I remove my beard and start practicing voice control. From the very first electrology session I felt a calmness I had not experienced an a long time. I was still a basket case and had extreme anxiety. He said that he felt hormones would alleviate my anxiety and allow me to interact with people and handle stressful situations better. I made an appointment with an endo after my pcp would not prescribe estrogen. It took nearly 3 months to get an appointment. In that time I experienced excitement and also anxiety I wanted to try it so bad. When I finally saw the doc and got my script I was so excited , but had to wait over the weekend for the pharmacy to get the meds.
I finally had my first injection and that day I was a bundle of emotions, excited, irritable anxious it was so bewildering. by the 3 day any anxiety I felt completely disappeared. So for me estrogen was the hormone I believe my brain craved and after 4 months on it I have so much positive energy, I am involved in life, my business, I interact with people on a more intimate basis, and handle stress much better. I have taken the steps to make my body healthy watching what I eat swim 3-4k miles a week. In conclusion every step I take towards transition has felt right and leaves me energized. I still have a drive to feminize my self farther with hair, clothing etc. The downside is my wife while she loves the changes this has brought to my personality and my interest in common things with her is she is struggling. So I go on slowly but surely transitioning and where the chips fall they were. Will I be happier? In the short term if my marriage falls apart probably not, but I do know I will have an inner peace I longed for since a very early age.

[LeaP]

what you are describing Lea is true of many of the steps of transition .. looking back i can tick off many moments and many thresholds that seem kind of small now even thought at the time, they felt monumental and scary...even SRS feels like that now...it feels like it never happened and its always been "this way"...

in my opinion, this ties back to the thread of the dream of "constant normalness"...its a feeling you don't know until you've felt it!!! ....and in your case Lea, perhaps you are getting a glimpse of that feeling

Yes, this describes the experience well. People's fears often seems focused on the unknown and personal change (as well as potential losses, of course), when what actually happens feels MORE normal, MORE familiar!

I can't say it's startling, since it doesn't happen overnight, but its almost like a magic trick that returned me to a state from long ago, as I perceive it. The feeling of occupying my body has also returned and is quite strong, though not 100%.

"Normalness" is a good way to out it. I can only hope for the constancy.




And something is right about it, because I definitely want to be touched now instead of being kinda disgusted by the idea. Well, I guess I wanna be hugged more than be molested, but still. I feel better with my body.


It's interesting that you would mention this. My wife has commented on how much more tactile I've become - where she used to comment on how much I didn't want to be touched.

[Angela Campbell]

I have a weird question. Is it possible to undergo HRT but still be able to present as a man? I want to become a woman as much as possible but I cannot let some people know about it. I am just wondering because I have made the decision not to have a transformation a long time ago so as not to destroy the world of my mother and my kids, I just cannot do that. Is it possible to partly transform?

[JohnH]

I would say that I still can present as a man, in spite of having B cup breasts that are apparent with my underwire bras. Of course it helps to have a deep bass voice - I talk and sing something like Johnny Cash. Ah yes - M2F HRT is a truly wonderful thing - I feel so much better about myself and I really love how my developing feminine body feels!

John

[Bree-asaurus]

I have a weird question. Is it possible to undergo HRT but still be able to present as a man? I want to become a woman as much as possible but I cannot let some people know about it. I am just wondering because I have made the decision not to have a transformation a long time ago so as not to destroy the world of my mother and my kids, I just cannot do that. Is it possible to partly transform?

Only one way to find out!

[Traci Elizabeth]

I never had any fear or self-doubts about starting HRT. In fact, I could not wait to get on them. Nor did I fear I would stop being me.

In my case something very surprising happened that I did not expect but welcomed with open arms. The affect of over 3 years of mega dosages of HRT has resulted in me NOT being able to "remember" what it was like to think like a man or be a man. When I see an old picture of me pretending to be male, I can not relate to that person in the picture NOR do I have any idea whatsoever how or what that person thought or felt. It's like that part of my brain has been erased and many new female pathways have developed in my brain.

I can honestly tell you, I do NOT remember what it was like to be a man nor can I tell you how men feel. It's all gone. And I love it. I could not have hoped for such a wonderful change. And to my added surprise, I feel more like "me" than I ever have. I also know that I am happier now than I have ever been in my life. My life is so perfect and in a week, I will be on a plane to Bangkok to complete my wholeness. I never knew life could be so wonderful; and I have a very supporting and loving wife, adult daughter and teenage granddaughter who all love me - Traci.

My body has also changed drastically but that is not what this thread is about so I won't go down that road here.

[Bree-asaurus]

I never had any fear or self-doubts about starting HRT. In fact, I could not wait to get on them. Nor did I fear I would stop being me.

In my case something very surprising happened that I did not expect but welcome with open arms. The affect of over 3 years of mega dosages of HRT has resulted in me NOT being able to "remember" what it was like to think like a man or be a man. When I see an old picture of me pretending to be male, I can not relate to that person in the picture NOR do I have any idea whatsoever how or what that person thought and felt. It's like that part of my brain has been erased and many new female pathways have developed in my brain.

I can honestly tell you, I do NOT remember what it was like to be a man nor can I tell you how men feel. It's all gone. And I love it. I could not have hoped for such a wonderful change.

My body has also changed drastically but that is not what this thread is about so I won't go down that road here.

I've noticed this too, but never thought enough about it to put it into words. I think I can relate. I haven't pretended to be a guy in a while now and I don't really remember how I did it before. I know that now, if I tried to pretend to be a guy, it would be over-the-top and funny. I think I would actually get a kick out of it. Halloween is coming ;)

[sandra-leigh]

Is it possible to undergo HRT but still be able to present as a man?

YES for some people, NO for others.

If I were to cut my hair and put on male clothes, people would be quite likely to see "male". Unless, that is, they happened to see me topless, in which case they would :wtf: because my aureola are now larger than the North American female average (but many many women have much larger than I.) If I had young children, then over the long term hiding my A-ish cup breasts would be difficult, such as swimming with the children.

But -- it would be quite hard on me to go back to male presentation.

[AudreyTN]

I guess I can't relate to the op's topic at hand here, because I didn't have any fear of taking hormones. My problem was I couldn't get them fast enough! I went to my first endo appointment in August, and was disappointed when I was told I would have to wait 6 weeks to see another endocrinologist because mine wasn't certified or qualified to administer. :(

so I went back 2 weeks ago, chomping at the bit, and again I was disappointed when my new endo said he wanted to do some research and get up to speed. He is the new endo at the V.A. here and wasn't quite in the know about everything with HRT just yet. He's been trained, but I'm his first actual test subject. lol. Normally that would cause most people some worry, or fear, but not me. I went in to the appointment expecting to be disappointed again yesterday morning, but everything went fine, we talked about side effects, results, time for change, me needing to quit smoking, and eating healthier and exercising. sent me on my way, i stopped and got my prescriptions, got home and took my first two with a sandwhich and a glass of water, and went to school.

I don't know if was the anticipation, or maybe I did feel something, but it seemed like my genital area was a bit sensitive and had that erotic feeling about 20 minutes after I took my hormones, but my brain felt a little foggy...but that coulda just been me being tired since I don't get much sleep, about 5 hours on average if I'm lucky.

[Angela Campbell]

Only one way to find out!

Can you tell me about that. How would one go about starting this? Do you see a therapist first and they send you to another doctor or what? I need more info.

[Bree-asaurus]

Can you tell me about that. How would one go about starting this? Do you see a therapist first and they send you to another doctor or what? I need more info.

Yuppers. Find a therapist that understands GID. There are some websites that list therapists in various cities (anyone know the links?). Another way to find out is attend local LGBT support groups and whatnot. You can find great local resources that way.

The therapist will write a letter if and when they feel you are ready to start HRT. Then you take that letter to a doctor that will prescribe HRT (again, local resources will help you find one).

If you search and search and search and can't find anything locally (maybe you are in a small town, far from any big cities) there is always the option of obtaining the meds online, but then all the responsibility lies with you. You'll need to educate yourself and know what you're getting into, what the risks are, the signs when something is wrong and what to do. It's not like taking vitamins where you pop them and forget about it, you can do serious damage if you don't know what you're doing.

[Raquel June]

In my case something very surprising happened that I did not expect but welcomed with open arms. The affect of over 3 years of mega dosages of HRT has resulted in me NOT being able to "remember" what it was like to think like a man or be a man. When I see an old picture of me pretending to be male, I can not relate to that person in the picture NOR do I have any idea whatsoever how or what that person thought or felt. It's like that part of my brain has been erased and many new female pathways have developed in my brain.

I can honestly tell you, I do NOT remember what it was like to be a man nor can I tell you how men feel. It's all gone. And I love it.

Really? Because two months ago you were bragging about your military background and how conservative you are, and you sent me some PMs making fun of me and talking about which guns you own. I can't imagine what you were like when you remembered how to think like a man.

[Tracii G]

I'm sure there would be a fear of the unknown so to speak.
Interesting thread and I will continue to read it.