Do any of you ever grieve for your damaged male side?

[Alice Torn]

Most often, we are on here celebrating our fem self, or our inner woman, or our fabulous shoes and clothes. But, is there a little stuffed away little boy, or man, who is damaged goods, that longs for attention, too? I tend to think we who dress, are in some ways more balanced, than macho men, but it IS a balance. for most, isn't it?

[Angela Campbell]

50 years was his turn now it is her turn

[sissystephanie]

I have never thought of my male side as being damaged! I like to dress as a lady, but I have never, in over 60 years of crossdressing, ever wanted to be a woman. I just like to dress as one. My late wife knew I was a CD when we married and we had almost 50 years together before cancer took her. And she supported my crossdressing all that time!

[Saffron]

For me, there's no male or female side. I'm always myself, I don't see it like two sides.

[GeminaRenee]

Another vote for my maleness being undamaged. He's quite alive and healthy, and I'm pretty sure he's checking out Kali when she's not looking!

[Cynthia Anne]

I don't think my male side is damaged yet! BUT if ''he'' keeps noseing in her business all hell is gonna' break loose!!!!!!!!!!

[KateSpade83]

Yeah, my male side has been greatly damaged by crossdressing. People think I'm gay or a nerd and it hurts in socializing and getting and keeping jobs. I wish I never started crossdressing but wearing a nice skirt suit or cheerleader outfit feels so nice!

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Alice, When I dress I;m a lady when not dressed I'm all guy totally undamaged.

[Alice Torn]

Being 58, and still having to deal with, and help, my controlling father, pushes all my buttons, because he had similar, some of the same issues. It is eerie.

[Miriam-J]

There's no hidden man to offend. I'm always a guy, even when appearance might not match expectations for one. My "feminine side" enhances my guy side, improving my ability to express my full self so I need not suppress in order to be sufficiently macho.

Miriam

[Diversity]

Yes it is a balance for me. However, I do not grieve for my male side, as there has been no damage to grieve for. There has only been an addition of 'en femme' which has come to surface and is bringing a greater balance within. I am enjoying the feeling of the so long suppressed femme side and am glad it is coming out more and more. My wife does not understand it, but I am hoping in time, things will soften and she will let me be dressed in her presence. I told her that (and I believe this may be a key statement for many in this forum who have wives/SO's who don't want any involvment) "I am not trying to get her to see me dressed, but rather I am just trying to feel free around her to dress the way I want to be dressed and be comfortable within." I believe she took this on board and over the coming months she will give this consideration and we will have another open talk when she is ready. One thing I can say is that she has always been willing to listen when I have had the need to talk. She is a great wife and I could not have a better partner, as I can see she is adjusting to my admission of my need to CD, and I need to give her all the time she needs to adjust. I know I got a bit off the subject, but the initial discussion let me to this. I hope you all understand. Thank you for your post, Alice.
Di

[STACY B]

Never realy thought about it ,,I am the same ,, Stupid in what ever I wear ,,, Can't fix Stupid ,,,Remember !!

[PaulaAnn]

Well, in my experience , my male side (Paul) and the female side(Paula) have melded together to become who I am today. This first became apparent when I was but a preteen......I no longer have the need to be male, I have nothing to prove now ,my female side is confidant,strong, and self reliant.My male side is no longer important to my being;mentally,spiritualy,I'm female...physically I have two male bits,but plan to have surgery to remove the "boys".At this stage of my life ,to undergo major surgery to gain a vagina is not feasable;both medically and financially.So I guess the short version is that I will not miss any part of my male persona.
Paula.

[Kathi Lake]

Who says it's damaged?

Kathi

[Madam Rose]

My males side is ok no damge. still love looking at girls and what not. So no both sides are ok.

[Meghan]

I think this is a very interesting question. I can see where some would get hung up on the word "damaged". I think the larger question is something like:

Do you grieve the things you have to give up to make room for the female side?

In some ways, yes. There's only so much time in a day. So do I miss not seeing a ball game because I had to redo my nails or play with makeup to perfect a look I am trying?

Only in retrospect and only because I end up in a thought loop like:

"I could be watching TV right now if I didn't have to take off all of this makeup"!

Kali asked a similar question about saying goodbye to pantyhose. As I noted in that thread, in order to evolve, we have to say goodbye to things we mistakenly thought we were. Not all of those goodbyes are pleasant. It's human nature to miss them.

There are tradeoffs wherever you look in life. It's nice that you are recognizing them. Most people don't take the time to appreciate this type of thing.

Meghan

[Brittany CD]

I don't have a damaged male side, I am male first and foremost. Just love women's clothes ;)

[suzanne]

Oh, my! What a can of worms to open!

The damaged one was suzanne herself, but she is healing fast and very well, thanks to all my sisters on this forum and my wonderful SO. Come to think of it, my male half was also damaged, but in the sense of having something missing.

I spent the first two decades slavishly obeying my society-prescribed manhood training, suppressing my femme self out of the picture so well I didn't know she existed. Then one day, I discovered, much to the horror of the young man-in-training, my Mom's closet and lingerie drawer. The YMIT suppressed the femme urges as best he could until he had been married a few years when she came back with a vengeance. Many of you have told similar stories of failed suppression, so you know what I mean. Now, I have come to know I am both male and female, that I am not a complete, balanced person without Suzanne. My wife is coming to understand me that way too. She sees me as "Blended" and we do some girl things together, like mani/pedis!

[ColleenA]

Yes, Alice, I do grieve. I've rarely had anyone give me love or attention as a man. Actually, I've rarely had anyone give me love or attention at all, and I desperately crave it.

The start of it all was that, as a child, I had a problematic relationship with my father - def felt unloved by and unconnected to him. As a teen, I was socially awkward and had few friends, male or female. At 20, I rushed into an ill-advised marriage (having had only one GF previously), but there were so many problems that it did not give my male self/ego what it needed. Then, from the time the marriage ended until 2004, I had only a couple of relationships, and none lasted more than four months.

In 2004, I got into a relationship that gave me what I needed - or so it seemed. I even stopped cross-dressing for five years; I finally was getting positive strokes (no raunchy jokes intended when I say that) about being a man and having a woman who gave me love. But in 2010, she abandoned me emotionally (don't want to go into the details), and I finally realized she had never really been there for me. She had talked it up nicely about being there for me - but it never happened. She even admits she is incapable of giving or receiving love, having been too damaged in her own childhood; so I saw that I had been projecting my hopes onto her that whole time.

Feeling isolated and alone, Colleen once again became part of my life. Part of me hurts deeply that the only way to have a woman in my life is to pretend to be one. Meanwhile, I feel what I have always felt - that as a man, I am emotionally stunted at five years old.

[5150 Girl]

I wish I could kill him altogether!!!

[ArleneRaquel]

I don't believe that my male side is damaged, I just favor my female side, which is my better self. :)

[Amanda_P]

50 years was his turn now it is her turn

I like that one. Step aside John here comes Amanda. Oh yeah I still have to be me.

[suzy1]

For me, there's no male or female side. I'm always myself, I don't see it like two sides.

The perfect answer. so simple, so true.

[Cheryl T]

Another vote for Saffron's reply...

[ringedjohn]

For me, there's no male or female side. I'm always myself, I don't see it like two sides.

I feel the same way - it is all just me.

[Vickie_CDTV]

In a matter of speaking yes. I mourn the typical male life I could have had, if only I had been able to be more of a man and less of a sissy. Being the way I am has cost me dearly when it comes to finding a woman for a relationship. I always wanted a wife and family, but at this point it is very unlikely. I remember seeing some friends I went to high school with years ago. Many of them lived very typical male lives and most had families. It is unlikely they ever had an issue with their gender role and were able to be successful at it. I really envy them.

[Beverley Sims]

I do wonder what life would have been like without Beverley.
She has occupied more than fifty percent of my life.

[Kate Simmons]

Not any more Alice. I'm happily in touch with all facets of myself.:)

[kristinacd55]

I absolutely grieve for him due to the damage that's been inflicted on his relationships with gg's and his marriage......

[meganmartin]

Early on I did weight heavy on the male being damaged, but have come to the point of full acceptance of myself....

[Mollyanne]

I don't grieve for my male side for many reasons because I would "bury" my male side permanently and celebrate my female side!!!!!!!!

Molly

[wanagione]

I don't grieve for my male side, i'm just me, I'm complex and as a gg i have a male side and a female side that make up ME. Each side has served me well thoughout my life. I just choose now to let my feminine side have more expression these days.

[melissakozak]

Not damaged. Different. Some of us know exactly what we are inside, and damaged is not the right word. Different is. Being different in our society has its challenges.

[Alice Torn]

Colleen an Vickie, I relate totally. I was always picked on in schools, and different, and yes, damaged by my toxic father, and brothers. I never felt loved or needed by ggs, after age 16. I have envied gg's because it seems so easy for them to have lots of admirers and friends, and so utterly hard for some of the males. I feel like making a bumper sticker that says, "SAVE THE MALES." I agree with Colleen, that dressing up as a pretty lady seems like my only hope for having a steady girlfriend, or wife. I will have to lower my standards in what i want in a GG. At my age, all the good ones are taken, or sick of men altogether, becoming lesbians, or loner women sick of men. I see in church, or high school classmates almost no singles. However, in some ways this is the best time of my life. It is the best of times and the worst of times for the world, and our nations, and for many of us!

[EllenJo]

I think EllenJo strengthens my male side. They both have their positive traits and they both have their issues at times. I have often said that being part female makes me a better man.

[Sarasometimes]

First off I don't feel my male self is at all DAMAGED! But, I view it somewhat like a friendly evenly matched tug-of-war. Both side striving to have more rope but each time one side succeeds the other side feels short-changed. I do believe that those of us near the middle of the gender continuum have added insight into how both genders think and that is very helpful in life. Currentlythe tug of war is neutral and this morning Sara will have more rope and later he will.

[ColleenA]

Comparing the replies to this thread, it seems that Alice, Vickie and I are in the minority and that the question Alice raised isn't as much of an issue as I expected. Interesting.

On the one hand, it doesn't matter - we are still part of the community here. (And I will say that unlike accusations and bickerings I see in the TS threads about whether someone is truly trans or is trans "enough" or is less than a woman for willingly identifying as trans, it's nice that I don't see arguments here about someone not being CD "enough.")

But on the other hand, this is a deep issue for me. I seriously was reluctant to post my first reply to this thread because the topic is so weighted with emotions. While simply typing up that reply, I was starting to cry and to get a huge choked-up lump in my throat. And part of the hesitation came from seeing the contrary replies from so many others. But I am glad that I did reply. Even if only a few other people can relate, it's kind of comforting to know my situation isn't completely unusual.

[~Joanne~]

Yes it is a balance and yes I do a little damage to my drab self in the sense that I buy more clothes lately for my femme side that I should be buying somethings that I need for my drab side. Being halloween though I have to take full advantage of the season and the crab things aren't really emergency things or anything alone those lines, just need new jeans at most, but other than that I am healthy, doing great, and not in conflict so I wouldn't say I am damaged.

[kimdl93]

Its no balance if a person thinks they are damaged person. If one believes that, then the problem is a matter of very poor self esteem. It suggests that being different in one respect diminishes one's value as a being. As a consequence of believing this, a person may have a diminished sense of self, may have truncated abilities to socialize with others. That's not the consequence of being transgendered, its a consequence of low self esteem.

Being transgendered is not pathology, disability nor is it a crime. We are not damaged. We have nothing to be ashamed of nor to apologize for.

[Alice Torn]

Maybe damaged was not right word for most. It fits me, and a few others here. Maybe there is the problem. We don't really know why we dress, but with some of us who are truly abused emotionally by our parents and siblings, then others, the whole person, male and female has suffered serious damage, and life is a survival thing , without knowing how to love or be loved much. I am learning, and growing very slowly, but since moving bacjk, to to help my resentful, miserable, abusive father, all the issues i thought i had mastered, are back alive and well again. Mine is a highly unusual situation, though.

[becky77]

I can relate to some of Colleens story, except I found a loving wife. I don't really identify with having separate male and female sides, I am me. But me doesn't fit in the world so I live as a man. As a man I have suffered horrendous low confidence and extreme low self esteem. No one understood me as a child and I hid from the world, made to feel my secret was dirty and wrong. I understand these things now but how can I love my male side when all I see is what is not female? I'm better now than I ever was but my male side is damaged from years of self loathing.

[sometimes_miss]

<snip> Part of me hurts deeply that the only way to have a woman in my life is to pretend to be one. Meanwhile, I feel what I have always felt - that as a man, I am emotionally stunted at five years old.
That seems to be a similar thing to what I feel; only backwards. I feel like a 14 year old girl, waiting to become a woman. It's a kind of 'frozen in time' thing, and I've gotten a lot of letters over the years by people stating they feel similar. Only....I don't feel like I have 'sides' to myself, I always feel like the same person: A girl, playing the part of a guy in a play that never ends. The only temporary escape is....intermission, when I dress and can be who I really am. So I don't think grieve is quite the right word, because I don't know if the 'male' me ever really had a chance, as my world changed to believing I was a girl when I was six.

[Melody Phillips]

I don't think of my male side as being damaged. I feel it it being enhanced by the richness of my female side.

[Anna Lorree]

I grieve for my wife, and for our marriage. I don't expect it to survive my GID.

Anna

[Vanessa5]

I used to believe that my femme side was the damaged side but now I am a whole person. All the things that were bad and caused me pain were part of this obsession with womens clothes. I have now accepted this as who I am and have found balance and a new found happiness.

[kimdl93]

Maybe damaged was not right word for most. It fits me, and a few others here. Maybe there is the problem. We don't really know why we dress, but with some of us who are truly abused emotionally by our parents and siblings, then others, the whole person, male and female has suffered serious damage, and life is a survival thing , without knowing how to love or be loved much. I am learning, and growing very slowly, but since moving bacjk, to to help my resentful, miserable, abusive father, all the issues i thought i had mastered, are back alive and well again. Mine is a highly unusual situation, though.

Alice, I know your situation was terrible. It's certainly possible that the abusive environment contributed to your transgenderism...but it's equally possible that the two are coincidental. And your whole being would probably bear scars regardless of how you dress. Yours is a terrible situation and my heart goes out to you and others who've endured such abuse. That inner child can heal, though, with time. Even in the presence of that sick and probably similarly wounded old man. I wish you a measure of peace.

[Brianna612]

For me, there's no male or female side. I'm always myself, I don't see it like two sides.

Make that four votes for Saffron's reply.

When I was young I struggled with the desire to dress but now I have incorporated my dressing into every aspect of my life to the point that this is who I am.

[Kaz]

Alice, I know your situation was terrible. It's certainly possible that the abusive environment contributed to your transgenderism...but it's equally possible that the two are coincidental. And your whole being would probably bear scars regardless of how you dress. Yours is a terrible situation and my heart goes out to you and others who've endured such abuse. That inner child can heal, though, with time. Even in the presence of that sick and probably similarly wounded old man. I wish you a measure of peace.

I just want to add to Kim's comment... Alice, you have been through an experience many of us could never relate to, and I can only imagine and try to empathise with... but hopefully this acceptance of you as a whole person with all these different facets will help you build your own self-acceptance. I feel for you a lot and wish I could help more than through these seemingly (to me at least) inadequate words...

I tend to agree with Saffron and those seeking that 'wholeness' of being... but yes, I have always thought that my male self was inadequate and at times even worthless... My wife hates it when I get 'maudling' (sorry if that's a Yorkshire term - it means sad and pessimistic with a strong dose of self-absorption) and I wind up apologising for anything and everything and often just for being me...

Is 'he' damaged by my CDing...? I think he was always damaged. I think Kaz has possibly saved me... or has at least allowed me to consider other possibilities into understanding who I am?

[ColleenA]

My wife hates it when I get 'maudling' (sorry if that's a Yorkshire term - it means sad and pessimistic with a strong dose of self-absorption) and I wind up apologising for anything and everything and often just for being me...

I think the word you want, Kaz, is "maudlin" - standard English, not Yorkshire slang. (Sorry, but the editor in me could not let that just slip by.)

[Alice Torn]

One thing that bothers me, is that my father, even at 91, is obsessed with legs. He married my mom because she had nice legs. Nothing else in common, though! He is obsessed with tall women, too. I have had the same fetishes. In fact, i try to emulate a very tall leggy lady. Something tells me, that he had fetishes with womens clothing too. after my mom's clothes were all removed from his house, when she was put into a nursing home, I heard him, complain, that "they took all her clothes." I have never felt comfortable around my father, since i was a teen. I felt like he was watching my legs, too! I am now agreeing with others, who say, that "I am damaged" not my male side or female side. I have had a lot of male shame, though, and low male esteem, feeling inferior to women, and guys who are strong and confident. Women don't like men with low confidence. I as a person am damaged goods, doing the best i can, in a non understanding world. Slowly gettin better, through the muddy cold trenches.

[KellyJameson]

Hi Alice

I think of it as the child that is inside us that stopped becoming or growing because of what was done to or not done for the child.

Childhood requires someone to be there as a loving guide but when you only receive rage ,hate,anger,abuse, degradation,humiliation,indifference,ect.. all of these experiences not only stop the growth of the relationship you have with yourself but also poisons the relationship you have with yourself because it creates a reality of worthlessness (you believe that you are not good enough).

Abusive parents use their children by repeating the abuse that was inflicted on them as children against their own children to make the horrors of their own childhood normal so it goes from one generation to the next.

Often the parent will chose one child to abuse and may not abuse the other and this is to avoid having two people witness the same evil so they may than expose the parent.

Abusive parents are very calculating because they know what they do is wrong.

Later many of these survivors of abuse will find someone else to abuse them as adults because they believe this is normal and what they deserve.

Go back into the past (your mind) and find that little boy and give that boy the love he deserved, focus on the child abuse.

[Jonianne]

I think you are getting closer when you say "I am now agreeing with others, who say, that "I am damaged" not my male side or female side."

Also, don't call yourself "damaged goods". YOU are not damaged goods. That implies something is wrong with you. Your soul and spirit have been wounded, but that doesn't make YOU any less worthy.

[Alice Torn]

There is no doubt my dad was abused, by a priest, who at very least ridiculed and humiliated him. And a stern father, and then getting drafted into the War. He was an only son, and if his parents had known, the law said an only son did not have to go in. He is bitter today about his whole life, yet in great health. Doctor said he could easily live to 95, maybe 100, which will spell living hell for me, though. He is too proud or afraid to seek help, or counseling, or meds. Not fun to be around. My healing is kind of on hold some, as i am right smack dab, in the source relations again. I am also afraid that if he saw me dolled up, or found out.

[KateSpade83]

I'm surprised I'm the only person who said my male side was damaged by crossdressing, - maybe I get that for being a good Catholic.

But I would really consider myself BADLY Damaged if I ever got into gay sex with a man; then I'd consider myself "broken." Priest told me I'm still a virgin even though I had some kind of unwanted incident with a girl, and I don't want to lose my virginity to a man. I guess any woman would consider a GAY man as damaged. And because a lot of gay men get AIDS - that's one reason not to be gay.

So I would never have gay sex with a man because of AIDS and becoming "BADLY DAMAGED."

But if I was born a woman I'd love sex with men.

[Linda Daniels]

I know who I am and as I seem to have to live a male world at the moment...I know I am female and I am just fine with being so...well maybe not actualy...I'm just stuck here and am kinda miserable about it.

Linda

[Alice Torn]

Kate, I am still technically a virgin too, in that I have not had sexual penetration with anyone in my life. I came close to sex once, and did do some non penetrating things with one guy. But, doesn;t religion say, that sex with a woman outside of marriage is damaging, too? Yes. I might feeled damaged if i had sex with a woman or a man! However, i am talking about lifelong emotional, spiritual damage, from abuse, or more correctly, long term abuse.Gays and non gays both have issues, no doubt, and many of both suffer.

[STACY B]

Dam alice ,,,You betta get BUSY ,,,,,,,,,, Life way to short for all that crap,,,, That;s way to much thinking for me ,,,, I'M part ANIMAL ,,,,,,,,,,Meow,,,,,,

[Eryn]

I don't really separate my male and female selves. Sometimes I present as a woman, sometimes as a man, but I always feel like me.

I'd say that my male side has benefited from my female side being able to express herself. I'm calmer and happier since she has been able to able to come out now and then.

[heatherdress]

Thanks a clown question, Bro.

[Alice Torn]

[Heatherdress. Are clowns also in disguise, as we are?[/I]

[Alice Torn]

Heatherdress, Clowns are "dressed unusual" too?

[Shdow_dragoness]

I do have female and male persona at different times. At work it feels nice to be wanted, at my age, for my power and vitality as a man but, that gets boring and tiresome. Too much ruckus during the week I just let the fun girly side of me run wild on the weekend. Did I degrade the guy in me? nope, he is still alive and well. Plus some of my weird Insane personalty derives from the girly side of me. So I do get the best of both worlds, sometimes at the same time.