Deciding Not to Transition: What's the Upside?

[elizabethamy]

This is a parallel thread to Anna Lorree's "upside of transitioning." For those of you who have decided not to transition, or to delay transition, or who have walked back from transition (or even de-transitioned), how do you feel about that decision? What have you gained from staying in your assigned gender?

One at a time, please. Line up over there.

elizabethamy

[Aprilrain]

I can't think of any upsides but then again i didn't wait around to find out if there would be any upsides I just went ahead and transitioned.

[Bree-asaurus]

Well, if I didn't transition, I was going to kill myself... so I guess either way I wouldn't have eased my GID :P

[sandra-leigh]

No worrying about getting arrested for using the women's washroom! :D

[Lorileah]

I am not sure that I am staying my assigned gender. I have to check the label.

Hard to say what the upside is when you don't know the real downside. I come from a generation where we lived with what we had because we were lucky to have it (yes I am old). Can you gain from not doing something? I would like to say I gained $100,000, but that isn't even true. The money went to other things. The upside of NOT transitioning would only be for those who were not sure they wanted to transition. Could I be happier? Maybe, but I don't know. The opposite is always a possibility too. Maybe I would be the same. When you have nothing to compare it with you cannot see an upside or a downside.

[Tammy V]

I think the upside is that if one has the ability to decide not to transition then transition was Not a need for them but something they wanted or an idea that was attractive and thus they made the right decision.

[LisaMallon]

Well life is easier in terms of employment, getting about and so on.

Sadly women are still lower on the totem pole than men in so many areas. And, even more sadly, TS are lower yet.
So there wont be many of us that have not had at least some financial impacts.

Then there is family, friends et al. Again most of us will have experienced a fair drop out rate, that is often on top of divorce and loss of children, etc.
This gets worse the older you are of course. Yet another reason to do it young, as young as possible.

So there is a price to pay, but on the other hand .. there is a price to pay for not transitioning. A very individual choice.

[Kathryn Martin]

I have made my view known in the other thread. Whatever people say in response is damaging. Firstly, transitioning is affirming your innate gender not staying in an assigned gender(remember this is the transsexual forum) and secondly this is not a "let's see what is better" game. I find it extremely upsetting what people with transsexualism have to endure by ascribing such lightweight nonsense to a process and existential situation that all transsexuals transitioning have to go through.

That is my view


This is a parallel thread to Anna Lorree's "upside of transitioning." For those of you who have decided not to transition, or to delay transition, or who have walked back from transition (or even de-transitioned), how do you feel about that decision? What have you gained from staying in your assigned gender?

One at a time, please. Line up over there.

elizabethamy

[Angela Campbell]

I think the upside is that if one has the ability to decide not to transition then transition was Not a need for them but something they wanted or an idea that was attractive and thus they made the right decision.

I disagree. I have chosen not to transition even though all my life I wanted to. I just cannot cause the heartbreak to all of my family that it would surely bring. I love them more than myself and if I just went ahead and transistioned without taking into account how it effects others it would be very selfish of me. Yes I want to. More than anything. I have coped with it this long and can get by just crossdressing when I can do so. It is a need but sometimes the needs of others take priority. Maybe you can argue that it is not really a need, but I disagree. I am a woman, always have been. I suffer from a birth defect that left me kind of halfway there. I was born technically a male. I have a penis. (a really small one) I have very little body hair, I have a somewhat female shape, I am smaller and weaker then other males I grew up with. I have known since around 3 or 4 that I should have been born a girl. However society did not allow it and by the time I gained the life which allows me the freedfom to make that choice I find I cannot do that to my family who would never understand.

[Bree-asaurus]

I disagree. I have chosen not to transition even though all my life I wanted to. I just cannot cause the heartbreak to all of my family that it would surely bring. I love them more than myself and if I just went ahead and transistioned without taking into account how it effects others it would be very selfish of me.

Isn't it selfish of them to get all worked up over something so silly? Why do you hold them to a different standard? You're allowed to suffer so they don't have to make a slight adjustment?

And it varies from person to person, but I'm closer to my family now after coming out to them.

[Tammy V]

Almostalady you have a point but I must tell you I can really relate to your situation and I know a lot of us can. I have also known myself female since pre school but when I was younger did not have the knowledge/resources to do anything about it. When I did find out about the possibly of gender transition I felt it was an opportunity/life that had passed me by and it was something that I would not or could not so no matter how much I wanted to. Alcohol and hard drugs did a lot to numb the pain and help me hide another day/year/years. The feelings did not go away and in fact got stronger and when I got clean and began to express my true gender more and more it just fed on itself. I felt I could transiton but had to wait for my elderly parents to pass away. I hit a point last year when the GID had never been stronger and I realized even though they are quite old they were going to live a long time more. I decided to pursue transition and I know now it was the right decision for me but I guess could have muddled on in a wrong life even longer. My point was that for whatever reason if one is able to decide not to transition then that is the right decision. Perhaps it is not the right decision for You, but it is the right decision for your Life when you weigh the consequences of other's lives that will be affected. It is a very brave decision to be transsexual and not transition and a painful one I know, but all things considered and weighed in it must be the right one if one can do it.

[Sara Jessica]

I disagree. I have chosen not to transition even though all my life I wanted to. I just cannot cause the heartbreak to all of my family that it would surely bring....


Isn't it selfish of them to get all worked up over something so silly? Why do you hold them to a different standard? You're allowed to suffer so they don't have to make a slight adjustment?

And it varies from person to person, but I'm closer to my family now after coming out to them.

But for one who is perhaps married, with or without children, those are important variables to consider when one decides to make it "not all about me".

I'm not saying the decision to transition is narcissistic in any respect. Instead, can't there be multiple valid pathways for the transsexual woman?


Firstly, transitioning is affirming your innate gender not staying in an assigned gender(remember this is the transsexual forum) and secondly this is not a "let's see what is better" game. I find it extremely upsetting what people with transsexualism have to endure by ascribing such lightweight nonsense to a process and existential situation that all transsexuals transitioning have to go through.

That is my view

So let's be clear, are you saying that the choice NOT to transition is a failure to affirm one's innate gender?

True, it's not a "let's see what is better" game. But what's good for one person may not be the right choice for another.


I may look back on my decision to remain on a middle path and either regret it or choose to go down the transition path. But for the time being (intended to be for all time), I am committed to this and choose to find fulfillment on both sides of the gender fence. The upside is that I keep my marriage, keep my family. Those are the most important things to me. One facet of this whole thing is certain, transition = dissolution of my marriage. I choose not to go there. If that makes me less authentic, if that makes me a failure when it comes to affirming my gender, if that makes me less of a transsexual in other's eyes, then so be it. I really don't care.

[melissaK]

Upside of not transitioning?
- You get to meet more mental health professionals.
- You get to keep you SAG Card as you're acting gig goes on . . .
- You get to join the mental health forum here
- You get to keep the status quo (stay friends with the devil you know rather than trade for the one you don't)
(The status quo means your life as you know it - the good and bad of which varies for each person)
- You get to test your will power.
- You get time to keep figuring yourself out.

Hugs,
'lissa

[Angela Campbell]

Isn't it selfish of them to get all worked up over something so silly? Why do you hold them to a different standard? You're allowed to suffer so they don't have to make a slight adjustment?

And it varies from person to person, but I'm closer to my family now after coming out to them.

Yes I am allowed to suffer so they don't have to. I have sufferred for my kids in so many ways, and my mother sufferred for me in so many ways. No they are not selfish, I am protective. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

[kellycan27]

Ummmm... being able to pee outside without getting my shoes wet? :heehee:

[Angela Campbell]

If it was not for my 3 kids and mother, I would have already transitioned, but I would happily die for them if it was needed to make them happy, so putting up with something I have put up with for my whole life (54 yrs so far) is not so bad I guess. If I could figure a way to do so and have those 4 people never know I would do so immediately. I might even be able to discuss with my 2 daughters but my Mother is so old school she would never understand and the stress would break her heart. I simpl;y love these people more than myself and cannot allow their world to be so changed. I have known this for many years but they have not. At least there is a place I can talk about it.

[Inna]

this thread and the original counterpart are simply cries for help from suffering girls who deceitfully hope that this might go by without the pain. Maybe this or maybe that, or should I do this, or perhaps.............

I have been there, the moment I ran out of options, OPTIONS, it almost sounds ridiculous now, but then, well I was hitting my head against concrete wall of reality in hopes of destroying inevitable, yet inevitable.....was inevitable.

You know the answer already, but if you must to ease the suspense then go for it, at the end it all comes up to the top regardless :)

[Marleena]

Ummmm... being able to pee outside without getting my shoes wet? :heehee:

Lol.. that's a damn good reason.:)

Elizabeth if you suffer GID I see no way out of not starting to transition. I guess it depends on the level of the GID though, I don't know how anybody can keep it under control, I couldn't.

[Bree-asaurus]

But for one who is perhaps married, with or without children, those are important variables to consider when one decides to make it "not all about me".

I'm not saying the decision to transition is narcissistic in any respect. Instead, can't there be multiple valid pathways for the transsexual woman?


Yes I am allowed to suffer so they don't have to. I have sufferred for my kids in so many ways, and my mother sufferred for me in so many ways. No they are not selfish, I am protective. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

As long as you can live with your decisions... and as long as your suffering isn't enough to end your life.

I lost two people that I was very close to. And I kept EVERYONE else. Those two people that I lost were so caught up in how me being transsexual would affect them more than how much they cared about me. I couldn't stick around and pretend to be someone I'm not because they were so worried about how people perceived them. So I made my choice and I walked away. They can live their lives without people judging them for loving a transsexual and I can be myself and LIVE.

All my blood family... all my friends... stuck by my side. Their worries were concerning my health and my safety, but they knew who I was regardless of the pronouns. Those are the kind of people I will suffer for.

And married or not, I did lose someone I was deeply in love with for many years... and another who was like a father to me. That is, of course, until their love of me was put to the test.

[whowhatwhen]

If it was not for my 3 kids and mother, I would have already transitioned, but I would happily die for them if it was needed to make them happy, so putting up with something I have put up with for my whole life (54 yrs so far) is not so bad I guess. If I could figure a way to do so and have those 4 people never know I would do so immediately. I might even be able to discuss with my 2 daughters but my Mother is so old school she would never understand and the stress would break her heart. I simpl;y love these people more than myself and cannot allow their world to be so changed. I have known this for many years but they have not. At least there is a place I can talk about it.

I see and understand where you're coming from.
It feels awful to think that you're knowingly going to possibly hurt, confuse, or lose loved ones over something you didn't ask for and have no control over.

How are you handling the stress of living this way?
I'm in a sort-of-similar situation but the stress of hiding and knowing that I'm putting up a lie to them is becoming more than the stress of the potential hurt.

Sometimes we need to look after ourselves I guess, from what you've written it seems like you're a good person who did a good job with her family.
I hope you find peace and understanding with your family.

[sandra-leigh]

The concern about being "selfish" can be run more than one way.

I was having notable back pains. For a while it was looking like it was something that could either be suffered with or operated on. But back operations are both painful and risky: if something goes wrong you can end up paraplegic. Quality of Living with the back pains: not great. Quality of Living With Me: not great. Likely Quality of Living / Living With Me after operation: notably higher. Unless, of course, I end up A Statistic, in which case both go way way down. Now, which would be selfish, getting the operation or not getting the operation? Getting the operation would likely relieve my pain and make me easier to live with, so refusing to get it (fear of pain, fear of paralysis) would be selfish, not doing all I could to make their lives better / easier. On the other hand, since there would be a chance of a pretty bad outcome, "selfish" would be getting the operation so I didn't have to suffer -- think of the consequences for other people if things went wrong, they would be "dragged" into a morass of caring for me. Better to be racked in pain than to risk hurting someone else, eh?

Certain pain. Possible pains if Medicine Goes Wrong. Possible pains arising from other's internal choices and beliefs. Possible pains arising from social pressures. Possible financial impact. The question of what action is "being selfish" is by no means straight-forward.

[Rianna Humble]

If it was not for my 3 kids and mother, I would have already transitioned, but I would happily die for them if it was needed to make them happy, so putting up with something I have put up with for my whole life (54 yrs so far) is not so bad I guess.

I admire your dedication to your family and am glad that I never had to face the worry of what a wife and children might think of me. You are about the same age as I was when, for me, transition went from something I wished for but kept lying to myself that I could not have for x, y and z reasons to a need that was inescapable.


my Mother is so old school she would never understand and the stress would break her heart.

I used to tell myself that about my father, but I could not have been more wrong. He was 88 when I told him and his response totally amazed me. To this day he is actively supportive.


Going back to the OP:

For those of you who have decided not to transition, or to delay transition, or who have walked back from transition (or even de-transitioned), how do you feel about that decision? What have you gained from staying in your assigned gender?

Before transition became a need for me - in that I was throwing up every time I had to continue pretending to be a man and had planned several ways to commit suicide before choosing which would be the "best" way that would cause fewest unwanted side-effects for others - I did gain some advantages from pretending to be male.

I was selected for the role of local councillor because I was not a woman (as far as they knew) and as a result was able to serve my local community for 10 years.

I was able to become an effective champion of equal rights for women because I was seen as having nothing to gain from my stance. I genuinely did this because it was right not for what I might gain when I transitioned.

I cannot think of anything else, but I am not saying that there won't be other things for other people.

For me, the bottom line is don't transition unless you need to do so, but if that need is so great, do not let anything hold you back.

[AudreyTN]

after going through 31 1/2 years of hell, the only thing I could see was the UPSIDE because I'd already seen all the downside I cared to see.

the list of things on the downside of not transitioning sooner was already seen.

failed intimate relationships
severe depression
lack of confidence
lack of self-esteem
crying every time I had to look at my male self in the mirror when I was taking a shower
being viewed as "different" but no one could ever tell me why they thought that
envying and being jealous of every single female I had ever known or met or seen in public that I thought was attractive and had the body, breasts and feminity that I so desperately sought and needed.
failed attempts at being manly, masculine (tried football, tried the Army) and none of it ever worked no matter how hard I tried
parents that tapped my phone as a kid, trashed my room, spied on me, and called me dirty and gross when they found my feminine things, and then threw away
parents that said it was my fault when kids picked on me, and if I reacted it was my fault for that too, I "brought it on myself" because I gave them a reaction
never having a lot of friends
isolating myself from people
2 suicide attempts. 1 at age 12 and another one at age 30.
always having doubts about being financially successful, having a good job and career, finding someone who would love me for me, getting married having kids, and a house and finding happiness

my only regret is not doing this sooner. wish I hadn't been scared, and suppressed it.

[Andie Elisabeth]

I have no idea about the upside but I can name my reasons why I decided to delay my transition


We all speak the same language except I don't. In reality it's for me too stressful to express/talk/etc in my "native" tongue. When I think it's in either in English or something like Czenglish, verbs are usually in English. And number of people who speak English, at least good enough, have a contract with my insurance company and are in travel distance is virtually zero.
At the end of the day I have no place where I can feel safe. I live on school's campus with a roommate.

So there is no upside for me but I have two pretty good reasons why to postpone things.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Isn't it selfish of them to get all worked up over something so silly? Why do you hold them to a different standard? You're allowed to suffer so they don't have to make a slight adjustment?

And it varies from person to person, but I'm closer to my family now after coming out to them.


If it was not for my 3 kids and mother, I would have already transitioned, but I would happily die for them if it was needed to make them happy, so putting up with something I have put up with for my whole life (54 yrs so far) is not so bad I guess. If I could figure a way to do so and have those 4 people never know I would do so immediately. I might even be able to discuss with my 2 daughters but my Mother is so old school she would never understand and the stress would break her heart. I simpl;y love these people more than myself and cannot allow their world to be so changed. I have known this for many years but they have not. At least there is a place I can talk about it.

Altho its admirable that you are doing what you think is right for your family, you are not considering that many of us have transitioned and our families are doing great..

i love my children the same way as you...my mother was old school catholic..but those things didn't preclude me embracing my true self.

my children love me more than ever, they still think i'm "weird", but both of them joined LGBT groups in high school, have told their friends, and we share our lives in an authentic and loving way... when my exwife saw them thrive, her coldness to me melted and altho we divorced, we are a loving friends, and compassionate co-parents...

can you say for sure that you suffering and keeping this secret for your whole life is not damaging to your family, it causes no confusion or suffering for them?

[ColleenA]

If it was not for my 3 kids and mother, I would have already transitioned, but I would happily die for them if it was needed to make them happy ...

I know this will sound harsh, but martyrdom is in one sense selfish. Shouldn't your children have the chance to make the same statement you make here - that they would happily die for you if it was needed to make you happy? You are robbing them of that opportunity. How are your children supposed to feel when they learn that you denied yourself something so essential because you perceived that it might (emphasis: might, not guaranteed will) be hard on them? Honestly, they may feel guilty and ashamed that you bore a burden they never would have wished on you had they known.

And you probably see your "sacrifice" as something parents do for their children, yet it's something you are not allowing your mother to do - to see her child go for what would truly better their life.



... something I have put up with for my whole life (54 yrs so far) ...

If you are 54, I am curious how old your children are. I'm 53, and when my children became adults, I told them about my cross-dressing, which I had kept from them the whole time they were growing up. I figured they would be able to handle it at that point - and I am happy to report I was right.

[elizabethamy]

Can't speak for anyone else, but I think all these contributions are valid -- just lots of different points of view and ways of thinking about it. I am at present unsure that I "have to" transition, but this comes and goes many times a day. To get a permanent fix on totally believing it's absolutely necessary -- that would mean it's not a decision at all, but a process to be undertaken. Short of that absoluteness, or at least the sense of sheer certainty that April, Bree, Kathryn and others talk about, it feels a lot like a decision...
...sometimes, though, one can weigh upsides and downsides and make a decision that has nothing to do with that weighing, but that comes from somewhere else.

[Angela Campbell]

In answer.....My kids are between -25 and 35. Youngest about to graduate college. Yes there is a chance they could understand but at this point I am not sure enough. I do handle it well. I have never thought about suicide because my brother did that and I saw firsthand what it does to those you leave behind. My mother and I are Catholics and I guess guilt and protecting others are part of what I was taught all my life. I really wish I had better alternatives for my life than what I do but sometimes you have to live with things. Just imagine a hundred years ago...what did a woman in a mans body do then? I guess not much different than what I do.

Also I do not think it is selfish to deny my children and mother the chance to make this decision. My Mother made it whan I was very young and I told her I wanted to be a girl not a boy. She firmly rxplained how that is not the way it is supposed to be. As far as my kids...well it is my life not theirs so I will make the decisions on what they know about me and do not know. That is what being a parent is all about. I make the decisions as to what is best for them whether they are 3 or 33. I guess I am a bit old school too.
I do appreciate the support and never mind seeing anythoughts whether harsh or not. You ladies are great and probably the only ones who can truly understand at all.

[Bree-asaurus]

Also I do not think it is selfish to deny my children and mother the chance to make this decision. My Mother made it whan I was very young and I told her I wanted to be a girl not a boy. She firmly rxplained how that is not the way it is supposed to be.

So you're doing the same thing your mother did. Make a decision for someone else. How did your mother's decision work out for you? A lifetime of suffering?

Experience from a friend of mine: She was always horribly depressed and her parents could never figure out what was wrong. They felt like they did something wrong for her to feel that way. She finally came out to them, telling them she was transsexual and they were so happy. They now knew why she was the way she was, that it wasn't their fault and that she was now able to be herself and get better.

You are making so many assumptions as to what the 'right' decision is. Maybe you are trying to protect your family from what you perceive is an inevitable horror. Your heart is in the right place, but your mind is not.

Then again, maybe you are really afraid for yourself and the All Knowing Protector bit is the excuse you can hold over your head rather than face your fears.

And maybe your suffering just isn't enough for you to do something about it and you should consider yourself lucky.

[Angela Campbell]

In many ways I am lucky....

[Elsa Larson]

I had thought I would never transition, OR perhaps I might transition sometime in the indefinite future.

But when all the barriers to transition fell away in just a few days, I knew I HAD to transition and I've not regretted it for a second. I'm blessed with being retired and having children at home who accept me regardless of appearance plus a lot of accepting friends.

In my situation, transition is mostly a non-event rating lots of yawns or "so what?" responses. When a gal pal introduced me to her son, I was so nervous that I went on and on about gender issues until he said, "Can't we talk about something else?"

SO for me, the time has arrived when my gender identity IS no more important than my religion or politics.

Elsa

[Bree-asaurus]

I had thought I would never transition, OR perhaps I might transition sometime in the indefinite future.

But when all the barriers to transition fell away in just a few days, I knew I HAD to transition and I've not regretted it for a second. I'm blessed with being retired and having children at home who accept me regardless of appearance plus a lot of accepting friends.

In my situation, transition is mostly a non-event rating lots of yawns or "so what?" responses. When a gal pal introduced me to her son, I was so nervous that I went on and on about gender issues until he said, "Can't we talk about something else?"

SO for me, the time has arrived when my gender identity IS no more important than my religion or politics.

Elsa

That's good to hear Elsa. Being transsexual shouldn't be a big deal. A lot of the people I told were like "Oh yeah? Cool. So, where are we going to eat?"

[LeaP]

I have made my view known in the other thread. Whatever people say in response is damaging. Firstly, transitioning is affirming your innate gender not staying in an assigned gender(remember this is the transsexual forum) and secondly this is not a "let's see what is better" game. I find it extremely upsetting what people with transsexualism have to endure by ascribing such lightweight nonsense to a process and existential situation that all transsexuals transitioning have to go through.


You're upset is palpable, Kathryn. As regards the notion of running some quick comparisons and making a decision; to the extent that anyone believes that the substance of dealing with transsexuality can be reduced to this, I understand why you would be upset. The problem is profound. The solutions are profound.

To be honest, I do see degrees of this belief across a large number of responses in both threads. That said, there is no doubt that many do go through this sort of analysis, even those whose GID and innate identity issue runs deep, whose identity is unambiguously female. To be sure, this is not a "which is better" game for those, not in any sense. It is, in a way, for those whose gender is somewhere on the spectrum. I'd be very hesitant to term it a game, though. It is still a very serious business but with different considerations. Although these will vary by individual, I tend to think in terms of one population having an overriding consideration and the other having quality-of-life considerations. For the former, such comparisons should be irrelevant except as they are part of the discovery and acceptance process - and for preparation. Relative benefit may form the substance of a transition decision for the latter population.

Let us also not forget that there are people who de-transition. Those for whom gender affirmation is not in question, but who de-transition for a variety of reasons, including survival.

Are there those who look at this superficially? Sure. There are plenty of instances of people off into fantasies here (referring to the site as a whole). There is no end of "what if" and "would you" threads.

[kimdl93]

When I was a teenage just beginning to see myself, quite incorrectly, as a pervert or freak, my father quite out of the blue said, You know that no matter what's bothering you, you can come to me. I know he meant it but I couldn't bring myself to accept his offer. He died long before I finally realized that I wasn't defective and that I had nothing to be ashamed of. Rather sad how we sometimes lack trust in those we can most depend upon because we lack faith in ourselves.

[ColleenA]

(A) Take the following comments as you will, almostalady, and feel free to think of me as a busybody and a b***h. (B) I apologize for continuing with posts that are off-topic.


Also I do not think it is selfish to deny my children and mother the chance to make this decision. My Mother made it when I was very young and I told her I wanted to be a girl not a boy. She firmly explained how that is not the way it is supposed to be.

People's attitudes can change over time, especially when they are "confronted" with new situations. My Lutheran grandmother had a hard time in the '70s when my older sister married a Catholic, but she came to love Dave. She had less reaction in the '80s when my other sister married a Jew, but she grew to love Robert as well. Unfortunately, she passed away in the early '90s shortly before my cousin got engaged to a Buddhist, but I think she would have adapted to that circumstance as well.

Obviously, you know your mother and have reasons to assume how she might react. But then again, she just might surprise you.



As far as my kids...well it is my life not theirs so I will make the decisions on what they know about me and do not know. That is what being a parent is all about. I make the decisions as to what is best for them whether they are 3 or 33. I guess I am a bit old school too.

Yes, you are their parent, but when they are 25 and older, you are not actively parenting them anymore. While it is completely your right to decide what to let them (or anyone) know about you, if you treat them like children rather than as adults, you are, in my mind, insulting them. But then again, I am interpreting your actions more as protecting yourself than as protecting them.



I have chosen not to transition even though all my life I wanted to. I just cannot cause the heartbreak to all of my family that it would surely bring. I love them more than myself and if I just went ahead and transistioned without taking into account how it effects others it would be very selfish of me. Yes I want to. More than anything. I have coped with it this long and can get by just crossdressing when I can do so.


I do appreciate the support and never mind seeing any thoughts whether harsh or not. You ladies are great and probably the only ones who can truly understand at all.

Wow! There are so many points in here that cry out your need for counseling. I am guessing here, but you have never spoken to a professional therapist about any of this, have you? You shouldn't have to handle this in complete isolation. Yes, the ladies here are great and probably do understand quite well, yet despite what they can offer, none would claim to be qualified to help you with this in the way a counselor could. Seriously consider it, AAL.



I was born technically a male. I have a penis. (a really small one) I have very little body hair, I have a somewhat female shape, I am smaller and weaker then other males I grew up with. I have known since around 3 or 4 that I should have been born a girl ...

And these comments make me wonder if you have some degree of intersexuality, which would easily account for your lifelong feminine yearnings. In other words, it isn't necessarily all in your head.

[Bree-asaurus]

Rather sad how we sometimes lack trust in those we can most depend upon because we lack faith in ourselves.

That's a good way of saying it, Kim. The people who truly care for you want to be there for you. They don't want you to suffer alone. I was asked by many people why I was so afraid when I came out to them, or why I didn't confide in them before. They were almost offended that I was worried about their reaction. All those fears I had were all in my head. I was the one keeping me from progressing, not my family and friends.

[Badtranny]

All those fears I had were all in my head. I was the one keeping me from progressing, not my family and friends.

My teabagger dad said something unexpectedly brilliant when I told him that I didn't plan to transition at work. I said they would never accept a trans person, and he said "why don't you let them make up their own minds?"

Some of the best transition advice I ever got.

[Kathryn Martin]

The comment you made regarding those who de-transition is a really interesting one for this reason: de-transitioning is essentially the reversal of a failed decision making process that includes both the person herself and the medical, therapeutic and social environment in which she lives. When you ask yourself what could possibly drive a person to "decide" to transition it is this kind of weighing exercise. There is the sense of a perceived advantage to be one or the other and hence that decision is one that can be unmade. You then de-transition.

I am aware that many commentators here and on the other thread disagree with my view. This question posed by the therapist is one of the most intimate questions someone in our shoes must ask. It asks Anna to shine a light into the area which is so dark for her. Remember she prefaced her remarks by saying that she dwelt on what was negative in her life, and given many of her posts here over a long period of time were quite dark and fraught with fear. Not to pass a value judgement (although she asks about "positives") but to illuminate that which has been nothing but dark, that is negative. Kaitlyn somewhere on these two threads said that she thought that Anna's interpretation of the question was fine. In my view by interpreting "positives" as "upsides" actually takes away from the exercise.

You draw the distinction between those that are of one gender and those that are gender variant. I would suggest that if you experience any form of gender fluidity, that is experience both genders as part of who you are then to transition is complete folly. You can express yourself in both why then impose one expression on yourself.

I am aware that people de-transition for a variety of reasons. Any one of them is a failure of the process of ensuring that to take the step to transition is the right step. The reason why I don't like so called support groups, is that they tend to create a streamlined, common narrative with "all the right answers" to negotiate the system of gate watchers. These two threads in particular, in my view, are just along those lines. If you will, it's one thing to shine your own light into a dark corner, it's an entirely different one to use everyone's filter in front of your light. What you should be observing of your own is not tainted in a substantial way. This is how transition failures occur, and lives are destroyed.





You're upset is palpable, Kathryn. As regards the notion of running some quick comparisons and making a decision; to the extent that anyone believes that the substance of dealing with transsexuality can be reduced to this, I understand why you would be upset. The problem is profound. The solutions are profound.

To be honest, I do see degrees of this belief across a large number of responses in both threads. That said, there is no doubt that many do go through this sort of analysis, even those whose GID and innate identity issue runs deep, whose identity is unambiguously female. To be sure, this is not a "which is better" game for those, not in any sense. It is, in a way, for those whose gender is somewhere on the spectrum. I'd be very hesitant to term it a game, though. It is still a very serious business but with different considerations. Although these will vary by individual, I tend to think in terms of one population having an overriding consideration and the other having quality-of-life considerations. For the former, such comparisons should be irrelevant except as they are part of the discovery and acceptance process - and for preparation. Relative benefit may form the substance of a transition decision for the latter population.

Let us also not forget that there are people who de-transition. Those for whom gender affirmation is not in question, but who de-transition for a variety of reasons, including survival.

Are there those who look at this superficially? Sure. There are plenty of instances of people off into fantasies here (referring to the site as a whole). There is no end of "what if" and "would you" threads.

[Claire Cook]

The people who truly care for you want to be there for you. They don't want you to suffer alone. I was asked by many people why I was so afraid when I came out to them, or why I didn't confide in them before. They were almost offended that I was worried about their reaction. All those fears I had were all in my head. I was the one keeping me from progressing, not my family and friends.


My teabagger dad said something unexpectedly brilliant when I told him that I didn't plan to transition at work. I said they would never accept a trans person, and he said "why don't you let them make up their own minds?"

Some of the best transition advice I ever got.

Thank you both for these words of wisdom -- your experiences mean a lot to those of use facing this question. Sometimes I think we get too involved in ourselves, and don't give others enough credit or trust.

[Pink Person]

I sometimes wonder what people think they are transitioning from or transitioning to. I put a response in the other thread that I think applies here as well.

My firm belief is that none of us are likely to be who we think we are before or after transition. Our square pegs never fit the roundly narrow gender classifications that dominate our idealized thinking.

So what? It's not much, really (wink, wink). The benefit of not transitioning is perhaps embracing your ordinary oddness and giving it a new name that fits better than what you previously imagined.

[sandra-leigh]

I am aware that many commentators here and on the other thread disagree with my view.

I continue to be mystified about what your "view" is. I can see you disagree strongly about something, but I haven't figured out what, or how your position differs from anyone else's ??

[Kathryn Martin]

Do not use the forum to give you ideas about this kind of question.

[morgan pure]

Just heard an article on the radio about the surprisingly large and very oppressed trans community in Panama. The average life expectancy for trans girls was 33. They interviewed one of the few survirors, now a social worker. Her lack of femininity, although in woman's clothes, was remarked on by the interviewer. She said, "Can't one want to be a woman sometimes and want to be a man other times? People try so hard to put us in categories that we don't all fit in."

[Kerstin]

Sometimes I feel trans support forums can be their own worst enemy. People with strong views who think that you're doing the transsexual community a disservice because your way of dealing with it differs to theirs can make you feel awful, and give the impression that if you're not doing it one particular way you're doing it 'wrong'. I would say ignore them and do what you feel is best for your individual circumstances.

[Bree-asaurus]

Sometimes I feel trans support forums can be their own worst enemy. People with strong views who think that you're doing the transsexual community a disservice because your way of dealing with it differs to theirs can make you feel awful, and give the impression that if you're not doing it one particular way you're doing it 'wrong'. I would say ignore them and do what you feel is best for your individual circumstances.

If you're ignoring everybody that has a slightly different opinion than you, what's the point of joining a forum? To stroke your ego because every time you post everyone is super nice and agrees with you?

[Kerstin]

If you're ignoring everybody that has a slightly different opinion than you

That's not what I said.