My story is a bit different from a lot of other trans women

[lemon_meringue_tie]

Sometimes I have doubts about myself because my story is not the typical one. This is just to put it out there, I'm not sure why.

I didn't fantasize about being a girl when I was 4 years old. In fact, gender identity was something I never really thought about until my teenage years. Around the time I hit puberty, I immediately realized that something was amiss with my sexuality. I struggled with the idea that I was simply gay for a while, through my junior high years. Because my sexual thoughts and fantasies were never really "straight" ones, they never really involved women.

Then by the time I got into high school, I started to get that really anxious and depressed feeling when I would be around girls. I didn't understand it at first, but soon after had that epiphany that I wanted what they had, I wanted to be like them, in every way, shape and form, the idea just felt so "right". I got lost in that blissful fantasy world of "what ifs" and I'd never felt so happy and optimistic being there. That was around the same time Youtube was getting started, and I decided to do a search for the way that I felt. Sure enough, there were people just like me, posting vlogs about their transition from male to female. Since that moment, I've known what I must do.

For over five years now, I've wanted nothing more than to take that first honest step towards transition. But I've always been so much of an introvert and a coward that I can't act even for the sake of my own happiness. I still have those feelings in every aspect of my interaction with people. There's nothing worse than being expected to act like a man at every turn when that's the opposite of who you are. I've fallen into rut of depression and apathy has become my middle name. I've become so apathetic about everything in my life, and I've been suffering greatly with depersonalization and feeling unreal and not human at all.

Sometimes I question why I never acknowledged or realized my gender dysphoria at a young age like others did. I mean sure, there are things about the childhood me that in retrospect can be taken a signs. But I never really made that breakthrough until I was a teen. And I also feel like people will use that against me if/when I come out to them, specifically my parents.

[Badtranny]

Lemon,

Nobody knows who you are except you, and if you continue to hide yourself from the world than no one will ever know. It's a huge step for you to admit your cowardice because that's exactly what it is and seeing things for what they really are is vital to a successful transition. Too many people start down this road with totally unrealistic expectations and a head full of delusions. Some hope for acceptance, and some demand acceptance but I say forget acceptance. (actually it's **** acceptance, but either way). Being accepted by the world or your family is icing but you should be much more concerned about the cake. The cake is who you are and you can either embrace it or deny it but you cannot change it.

Your post shows self acceptance and a good grasp of the truth, but you're missing one tiny little thing before you can ever be happy transition or not; love. You gotta love yourself baby. Be careful though because once you accept yourself, then love yourself, then embrace who you are, there hasn't been a closet made that can contain you. ;-)

[Jonianne]

.......one tiny little thing before you can ever be happy transition or not; love. You gotta love yourself baby. Be careful though because once you accept yourself, then love yourself, then embrace who you are, there hasn't been a closet made that can contain you. ;-)

Awesome words of wisdom, Melissa!

[STACY B]

Lemon,

Nobody knows who you are except you, and if you continue to hide yourself from the world than no one will ever know. It's a huge step for you to admit your cowardice because that's exactly what it is and seeing things for what they really are is vital to a successful transition. Too many people start down this road with totally unrealistic expectations and a head full of delusions. Some hope for acceptance, and some demand acceptance but I say forget acceptance. (actually it's **** acceptance, but either way). Being accepted by the world or your family is icing but you should be much more concerned about the cake. The cake is who you are and you can either embrace it or deny it but you cannot change it.

Your post shows self acceptance and a good grasp of the truth, but you're missing one tiny little thing before you can ever be happy transition or not; love. You gotta love yourself baby. Be careful though because once you accept yourself, then love yourself, then embrace who you are, there hasn't been a closet made that can contain you. ;-)



Listen up Lady wanna beez ,,,, That's Words from a Pro ;;;; She is exactly Right ,,,You can't make this stuff up ,,,You got to live it ,,,,

[abigailf]

I am not sure you are all that different. Many girls, including myself hadn't really come about their gender dysphoiria until their teens. I do have some gender curious memories from before, but for the most part it started for me at puberty. There was a reason for that.

As humans our biology, in terms of hormones, changes three times in our lives. The first is as we are birthed, the second is adolescence and the third is mid-life/menopause. It is during one or more of those three times when dysphoria will begin to peak and/or re-peak for a transsexual.

However, as someone beginning her transition in her forties I only have one piece of advice. If you are going to transition the younger you are the better. As you get older your life becomes more meshed into the lives of others. Transitioning late in life will have a much greater impact on those lives around you then when you are younger when you are not so involved in many other lives. This is just my experience and others may differ.

The other thing to think about is if you do go down the road of transitioning, be prepared to lose everything as that is a possible outcome.

[Bree-asaurus]

Pretend I said pretty much the same thing Melissa said, but better. And first. :devil:

You're story is actually quite like a lot of trans women... even down to thinking that your situation is different.

A lot of people, trannies included, have this idealized view of what a transsexual is, until they start talking to other transsexuals. Then they start to realize that everyone's story is a little different, but very much the same. We're all in the same boat here so don't feel like you don't fit or aren't trans enough.

And welcome :)

[KellyJameson]

Your words are very brave and to admit that you are a coward takes courage so the very act proves that you are not, a true coward never admits that they are.

As a child I did not want to be a girl because I assumed I already was and ignored (suppressed) anything that stated otherwise and became fascinated anytime I encountered a woman in a mans body because they were like me including men who dressed up as women so appeared on the outside what I was on the inside, I just did not understand that they may not be like me but were only play acting.

Think about what you have to do to acknowledge gender dysphoria.

First is trying to understand what the words mean and than matching it up with your own experience.

Than you have to reject what your own eyes tell you along with what just about every other person you have ever met has told you.

It appears like intentionally walking into insanity.

Very few people who have not experienced gender dysphoria will accept its existence and those who do accept it that have not experienced it will accept it like they do that there are places that exist that they have not been to, it will never be personal for them and cannot be.

No one else can decide for you or tell you what you know to be true is not true.

Gender is the most personal experience possible, it is you.

[Badtranny]

Awesome words of wisdom, Melissa!


Listen up Lady wanna beez ,,,, That's Words from a Pro ;;;; She is exactly Right ,,,You can't make this stuff up ,,,You got to live it ,,,,


Pretend I said pretty much the same thing Melissa said, but better. And first.


Gosh ladies, I'm blushing. You can keep it up though, it's not like my head is gonna get big or anything. (...zip it Allie)

[ColleenA]

Sometimes I have doubts about myself because my story is not the typical one.

As Abigail said, there is no "typical" story for transsexuals, whether MtF or FtM, so don't feel you don't belong here on that sort of basis. I have known girls who have come to see these things in their teens (or shortly thereafter) as puberty is putting them through hell.

One in particular said as she was going through many struggles, she could not make sense of her life. She never realized, though, that so many of her problems stemmed from the fact that she was not the "guy" she just assumed she was - that was something she had never questioned. Not until one day when a friend made an offhand comment that she really ought to be a girl. Once that idea was put out there, she said, all the puzzle pieces started coming together. She suddenly saw the whole world in a brand new light and knew who she was.

Another had no idea that TSs existed until she saw the topic on a TV talk show when she was about 14-15. Instantly, she knew that's where she fit in in the world.

Please don't beat yourself up, meringue. Rather, be your No. 1 defender against anyone (parents included) who feels a need, even a right, to beat you up.

[Bree-asaurus]

Can I bring some light heartedness to this thread?????


Please don't beat yourself up, meringue.

Am I the only one who thought that was hilarious? :D :D :D

[Kaitlyn Michele]

YEs that was hilarious!!!

also, listen to melissa!! she is exactly right..

The challenge for you is to love yourself enough to make progress in real time...right through the haze of all your gender issues...

One place to start doing that is right here...post more, interact with people AS YOURSELF..

your story is not that different at all... the most common transition stories are the most well known, but we all arrive at self knowledge differently...
despite our different paths, many of us have overcome the feelings of isolation, depression guilt and shame brought on by what you so aptly describe as depersonalization..its a horrible feeling..I called it gender dypshoria..

your post is not cowardly or weak in any way...I think its strong and courageous...

[ColleenA]

:haha:


Am I the only one who thought that was hilarious? :D :D :D

Thank you, Bree. Even after I read your comment, it took me a moment to see the unintended joke. I called her that only because I didn't want to call her "lemon."

[LeaP]

Sometimes I question why I never acknowledged or realized my gender dysphoria at a young age like others did. I mean sure, there are things about the childhood me that in retrospect can be taken a signs. But I never really made that breakthrough until I was a teen. And I also feel like people will use that against me if/when I come out to them, specifically my parents.

Got news for you - some people aren't going to believe you no matter what you do, say, or are. Maybe including some of those closest to you.

Like you, I'm introverted. Incredibly, off the charts introverted. But a funny thing happens when you start dealing in truth rather than fiction. You start finding an ability to act you never knew you had.

[Raquel June]

Sometimes I have doubts about myself because my story is not the typical one. This is just to put it out there, I'm not sure why.

I didn't fantasize about being a girl when I was 4 years old.

...

Sometimes I question why I never acknowledged or realized my gender dysphoria at a young age like others did. I mean sure, there are things about the childhood me that in retrospect can be taken a signs. But I never really made that breakthrough until I was a teen. And I also feel like people will use that against me if/when I come out to them, specifically my parents.

Most of us try too hard to look for signs at a young age, and many are a little too forceful with the "I've always known I was 100% woman" thing. I used to go to sleep praying to wake up as a girl when I was little, but honestly, I gave up on the idea and didn't think much more about it for several years. It's probably actually a good sign that you didn't obsess over it until you became more confronted with your gender/sexuality/future when you were more mature.

The important part is getting to the bottom of what will make you happy. And if you figure out that you're trans and you want to live as a woman, then the difficult part is getting past your fear. Self-doubt is a big fear. Dealing with your family is a big fear.

See, you're going to have doubts. And you're going to have to deal with people not accepting you. If you're like me, the real issue is self-acceptance, though. Because I'm strong enough to do anything if I really believe in it. But the hard part was telling myself that I have the right to exist and be who I want to be.

Because if you don't have self-acceptance, then you're basically ashamed of who you are. And how will you ever be strong in front of your family when they doubt you if you're ashamed of who you are?

You have to fake having confidence, and eventually it will actually turn into real confidence. And then people will see you for who you are and see that you're happier and they will understand and accept you. Or they won't, but if you're confident then you won't need their approval. But approval isn't such a big problem. The confidence is the killer. When you have confidence, people look at you and say, "I guess she was right. This is the life she was meant to have." If you don't have confidence, though, your parents will just roll their eyes and say, "Well, my son has always had issues, and this is just more of the same."

Now that I read what Melissa wrote, maybe that's a better way to put it. But the right kind of confidence and self-acceptance and the right way of "loving yourself" are pretty much the same thing. I think.

[Bree-asaurus]

You have to fake having confidence, and eventually it will actually turn into real confidence. And then people will see you for who you are and see that you're happier and they will understand and accept you.

True true.

I'm great and feigning confidence... and I'm also great at being confident because I noticed that when I was faking it, people treated me with respect. If you're comfortable with who you are, everyone else screws off. And if they don't, you're confident enough to tell them to screw off :P

I'm awesome. Are you? :D

[Saffron]

Each one of us have a different story, but your story has a lot in common with other TG. It's not strange to start to feel like this at puberty, after all it's the time when hormones and changes hit you and the first time you start to accentuate your difference between your born genre and your real one.

don't be afraid of your feelings and make yourself at home.

Wish you all the best.

[Bree-asaurus]

Each one of us have a different story, but your story has a lot in common with other TG. It's not strange to start to feel like this at puberty, after all it's the time when hormones and changes hit you and the first time you start to accentuate your difference between your born genre and your real one.

don't be afraid of your feelings and make yourself at home.

Wish you all the best.

Yeah, puberty is a b**** for transsexuals. I didn't care about my parts prior to puberty... it was all just extra dangly bits. But oh god... when puberty hit and those bits started having a mind of their own... my personal hell began.

[Raquel June]

I'm awesome. Are you? :D

I'm awesome, too!

But I used to be all shy and not look people in the eye and I seemed like a weirdo creepy tranny. And weirdo creepy trannys have to worry about being chased out of town with torches.



Yeah, puberty is a b**** for transsexuals.

Ack. Puberty. I had a recurring nightmare that my ... uhh ... parts kept growing and growing and got huge, and I was ashamed to tell anybody. It was actually a comical dream when I think about it. My mom finally noticed that I was having to wrap it around my waist. She pulled up my shirt and saw it and rushed me to the doctor. And the doctor diagnosed me with some sort of condition that had "donkey" in the name. Swear to God.

Doubt many guys would consider that a nightmare :)

[lemon_meringue_tie]

Ack. Puberty. I had a recurring nightmare that my ... uhh ... parts kept growing and growing and got huge, and I was ashamed to tell anybody. It was actually a comical dream when I think about it. My mom finally noticed that I was having to wrap it around my waist. She pulled up my shirt and saw it and rushed me to the doctor. And the doctor diagnosed me with some sort of condition that had "donkey" in the name. Swear to God.

Doubt many guys would consider that a nightmare :)

LOL! I feel like I'm living that nightmare sometimes, haha.

Anyways, thank you all who have responded. It means a lot!

[Badtranny]

But I used to be all shy and not look people in the eye and I seemed like a weirdo creepy tranny. And weirdo creepy trannys have to worry about being chased out of town with torches.

EXACTLY!

How many straight up creepy TG people have you met? I've met a few and I just want to shake them and say "Stop being so damn creepy! Please accept who you are and stop peeing in the pool for the rest of us"

I have very little tolerance for insecure people anyway so mix in some TG self hate and that's just about unbearable.

[DebbieL]

Sometimes I have doubts about myself because my story is not the typical one. This is just to put it out there, I'm not sure why.

I didn't fantasize about being a girl when I was 4 years old. In fact, gender identity was something I never really thought about until my teenage years. Around the time I hit puberty, I immediately realized that something was amiss with my sexuality. I struggled with the idea that I was simply gay for a while, through my junior high years. Because my sexual thoughts and fantasies were never really "straight" ones, they never really involved women.

The bigger question, were your sexual fantasies - especially your early ones, of you being a woman - making love to, or being seduced by, a man? Many of us become aware of our gender disphoria around 4-6 years old, because this is when parents, teachers, and other adults try to impose gender conformity. I played with girls most of the time since I was about 2 years old, and generally just had more fun playing with girls, but I didn't experience a strong desire to be a girl until I was no longer allowed to play with girls and was forced to play with boys. Of course, being a "sissy", I got bullied, actually, I was violently assaulted on a regular basis, by most of the other boys. This only intensified my desire to play with the girls, to be a girl, and to do what the girls did.

I've heard of some transsexuals who don't realize how much they want to be girls until they are married, and their wife begins to realize that he is very feminine, and tries some gender play, sometimes as a joke, only to find that her husband is actually happier when he's dressed and acting like a girl. In fact, she may even find that when he stops and tries to act more masculine, that he goes into severe depression. Many parents are very tolerant and allow plenty of gender variation. My parents were very tolerant and encouraged almost everything BUT the dressing. The problem for me was that OTHER parents weren't so understanding, nor was the faculty at school.

Were you ever really happy being a man? Not just a male, but a typical, fighting, drinking, masculine macho man? Did you just love doing all the "guy things?", cheering the football or soccer team, maybe even playing contact sports, and letting your testosterone rage? Did you hate doing things like cooking, cleaning, laundry, and other "women's work"? If you were really happy being a man, you probably wouldn't be wanting to transition today. If you do want to transition, you should get a gender Identity therapist who specializes in transition support. They will be able to help you through the transition, and help you make the decisions, or if you start to experience too much conflict, or it's not working for you, they can help you to be comfortable with your decision not to transition.


Then by the time I got into high school, I started to get that really anxious and depressed feeling when I would be around girls. I didn't understand it at first, but soon after had that epiphany that I wanted what they had, I wanted to be like them, in every way, shape and form, the idea just felt so "right". I got lost in that blissful fantasy world of "what ifs" and I'd never felt so happy and optimistic being there. That was around the same time Youtube was getting started, and I decided to do a search for the way that I felt. Sure enough, there were people just like me, posting vlogs about their transition from male to female. Since that moment, I've known what I must do.

I remember having those same feelings. I wasn't sexually attracted to men, because my experience of men was mostly violence, hate, anger. Since you didn't have those strong negative experiences, you were able to be attracted to boys, and were able to envy the girls, the closeness, the giggling, the tenderness, the familiar touching, tenderness, that was not sexual, but helped you feel close to each other. You were able to desire the exquisite sensations of different kinds of clothing, and even enjoy the vulnerability of wearing clothing and fabrics that made you feel more vulnerable and exposed, yet more alive.


For over five years now, I've wanted nothing more than to take that first honest step towards transition. But I've always been so much of an introvert and a coward that I can't act even for the sake of my own happiness. I still have those feelings in every aspect of my interaction with people. There's nothing worse than being expected to act like a man at every turn when that's the opposite of who you are. I've fallen into rut of depression and apathy has become my middle name. I've become so apathetic about everything in my life, and I've been suffering greatly with depersonalization and feeling unreal and not human at all.

That's not unusual, which is one of the reasons why it's so important to talk to a gender identity specialist. I know that for myself, I feel a fundamental lack of integrity, authenticity, and a life of constant deception. It's like everything I do as a man is a lie, much like a clown who is in acute pain, yet wears a smiley face and makes other people laugh. I remember how many times I wanted to be a girl, like a princess, a fairy, a maid, or even a witch, but I'd end up copping out and going for the clown instead. The one year I decided to go as a matador, wearing lots of silk and satin - a bunch of latino boys beat the crap out of me because they thought I was making fun of them. They actually pulled me off my bike as I rode past the bus, and then dragged be over the pavement until most of the costume was shredded, along with much of the skin on my butt, back, and chest.


Sometimes I question why I never acknowledged or realized my gender dysphoria at a young age like others did. I mean sure, there are things about the childhood me that in retrospect can be taken a signs. But I never really made that breakthrough until I was a teen. And I also feel like people will use that against me if/when I come out to them, specifically my parents.

You might be surprised at that. People who don't want to know, will deny everything no matter what, but many others will go "I thought so". When my sister found out, she wasn't surprised at all, she always thought of me as her big sister, but didn't want me to thing she was making fun of me if she called me that. My mother also knew, and know all along, but she was afraid that I'd be upset if she pointed it out, and she didn't think it was possible or practical for me to have a sex change. My dad knew as well, but didn't want me to have to go through the same kind of pain and suffering he went through, and it pained him every time I did get beat up. He knew that the beatings would have happened more often, and been more intense, if he gave me any encouragement.

My brother on the other hand, doesn't want to acknowledge Debbie at all, and has even asked me to stop posting as Debbie on my facebook account. I finally created a second account for Debbie so that she could post to her friends and Rex could post to his friends. I have been amazed at how many of Rex's friends also want to be Debbie's friend. There are a number of girls I went to Jr High, High School, and College with who like many of Debbie's postings and shares.

[Rianna Humble]

Were you ever really happy being a man? Not just a male, but a typical, fighting, drinking, masculine macho man? Did you just love doing all the "guy things?", cheering the football or soccer team, maybe even playing contact sports, and letting your testosterone rage? Did you hate doing things like cooking, cleaning, laundry, and other "women's work"?

Over here in the UK, there are plenty of girls/women who love to cheer on their soccer team (and I'm not just talking Women's soccer). I like doing the laundry, but hate ironing (cos I'm not that good at it), love cooking (but not just for 1 person) and don't mind the cleaning when I can get round to it.


It's like everything I do as a man is a lie, much like a clown who is in acute pain, yet wears a smiley face and makes other people laugh.

Been there, done that, got the tee shirt! My theme song for a couple of decades before my transition was a medley of Tears of A Clown with Tracks of My Tears.

[DebbieL]

Yeah, puberty is a b**** for transsexuals. I didn't care about my parts prior to puberty... it was all just extra dangly bits. But oh god... when puberty hit and those bits started having a mind of their own... my personal hell began.

Puberty was triple hell for me. I didn't even have testes when I was born and they didn't come down until I was eleven years old. Until they did, I really HOPED that they would never come down, that they actually WERE ovaries, and that I would start growing breasts instead of a beard. Not only did they come down, but I ended up having "periods" anyway. I'd get really constipated for about 3 days and eventually I'd be in such pain that I'd need Darvon or Darvoset to push the "plug" through. When I did, what followed was a brown liquid that was essentially like blood deep within the stool. Draining out took about 4 hours, and I was exhausted the following morning. This would happen about every 4 weeks. Eventually, I learned that I needed to take a laxative the first day I started getting constipated - and then try and keep things soft until I "drained out". Meanwhile, my voice dropped to a very low Bass (2 octaves below middle-C to A above middle-C). Eventually, with training, I expanded it to 3 octaves, but even then, I couldn't even fake it as an Alto. I grew hair on my arms and legs, which was horribly gross, and my face had a 5 O-Clock shadow and about 3 PM. I felt I was literally TRAPPED in a man's body that couldn't be made to look even pretty let alone beautiful.

I have to admit that I did NOT handle it well. I ended up doing a LOT of drinking and drugs, so much that I was misdiagnosed as epileptic (actually was detox symptoms), and often TRIED to overdose, and ended up in blackouts where I would put my own life, as well as the lives of my friends, at risk. I tried to commit suicide at least twice a month, and yet somehow I managed to survive attempt after attempt, avoid one fight after another (often by just taking the hit and not fighting back). There were even a few times when men or women threatened to cut my balls off, that I had to be persuaded NOT to go out and let them do it. I went into theater, where I learned to ACT like a man, but my father knew that it was fake, and kept trying to tell me to "get real" and "get Honest" - and he didn't realize until he read my Facebook postings that the REAL me was Debbie. When I came to be with him at the end, he said "If I gave you nothing else, I hope I gave you the ability to be yourself". The rest of the week I wore my shorts and my femme tops and pink tennis shoes, and he loved spending time with me, loved the way I took care of him, and loved that I was finally able to be REAL and AUTHENTIC with him.

[short pause here]

After he died, I realized that I owed it to myself to look more seriously into transition. I've started living week-ends and evenings as female, practicing femme voice even in male-mode, and even wearing women's pants, shoes, and underclothes at work. I still wear a man's shirt and man's coat - which makes the gradually forming breasts less obvious. I've also lost about 80 lbs, and still have another 70-80 to lose. I've also waxed my beard several times, which has left my sides with very lights thin hair. My neck and chin will still need more laser and electrolysis..

Many people who have met both Debbie and Rex have always loved Debbie far more. Different aspects of my personality are more easily expressed as Debbie and have to be repressed as Rex. Rex tends to be very nerdy, very intellectual, blurting out factoids and often picking outrageous factoids for shock value. People perceive Rex as deceptive, somehow keeping a secret, but if they don't know about Debbie, they don't know what it is and assume it could be anything from being a serial killer to being a pedophile, or worse. These days, I sometimes share with my co-workers that I'm transgendered, make a few jokes about it, but I'll TRY to ACT like a BOY, at least during work hours. Clears up a great deal, and they also feel more comfortable, since they know EXACTLY what I'm simply "not sharing".

[juno]

Your story actually sounds very common. People figure it out ay many different ages. Then we think back on all of the times we just felt different and didn't understand why and it makes sense. There are also a lot of people afraid to transition for all sorts of reasons. If you really are living in the wrong gender, delaying just prolongs the pain, and eventually you will still have to face those hurdles. In addition, the sooner you start, the better you will respond physically.

[Thera Home]

True true.

I'm great and feigning confidence... and I'm also great at being confident because I noticed that when I was faking it, people treated me with respect. If you're comfortable with who you are, everyone else screws off. And if they don't, you're confident enough to tell them to screw off :P
I'm awesome. Are you? :D

....................:thinking: , get back with you later on that one:heehee:


EXACTLY!

How many straight up creepy TG people have you met? I've met a few and I just want to shake them and say "Stop being so damn creepy!

Hey,Im creepy and I like it. It keeps wierd people away from me:D


LOL! I feel like I'm living that nightmare sometimes, haha.


Hi lemony
Just relax and go with the flow. Don't worry about it. Just what you feel is right and really think it over before making a final decision. I noticed that you said you felt wierd around women when growing up.
Did you ever have a girlfriend,if so was your expierence bad some how?
If not,then I would recommend eating your fears and go after em and expierence thier love,brutality:heehee: of the wallness,emotions and everything else that comes with these creatures. After that, then ask yourself if you really want to be a female:Pullhair:

:hugs:

Thera

[lemon_meringue_tie]

....................:thinking: , get back with you later on that one:heehee:



Hey,Im creepy and I like it. It keeps wierd people away from me:D



Hi lemony
Just relax and go with the flow. Don't worry about it. Just what you feel is right and really think it over before making a final decision. I noticed that you said you felt wierd around women when growing up.
Did you ever have a girlfriend,if so was your expierence bad some how?
If not,then I would recommend eating your fears and go after em and expierence thier love,brutality:heehee: of the wallness,emotions and everything else that comes with these creatures. After that, then ask yourself if you really want to be a female:Pullhair:

:hugs:

Thera

I may set myself up to be miserable, but I'm no masochist! I know how I feel, and that's the wrong way for me. That's one feeling that actually grants me some confidence and peace of mind now and then, knowing that like most women I don't know what it is to play a male role in a relationship, and I don't ever care to find out! Yay for things in common with GGs!

I never meant to give the impression that I'm having legitimate doubts about myself (although that's how it reads I suppose), just can be a bit stressful when everyone else is saying they stole their sister's dress at age four, that just wasn't me for some reason. My back story isn't the typical one, and I figured people (family) would hold than against me. So I guess sorry if this read like more than that, I just wanted to put myself out there!

[Beth-Lock]

Lemon, Nobody knows who you are except you, and if you continue to hide yourself from the world than no one will ever know. It's a huge step for you to admit your cowardice because that's exactly what it is

I think that the term 'cowardice' is an inadequate way of understanding what is going on here. (It also seems a little too strong and even dissonant for a site that is supposed to be open to different kinds of trans experiences and efforts here to give support. I would rather talk of courage, bravery, gumption and so on.) It is also an oversimplification. It may look like weakness for someone else not to be as sure of their destiny as others, who have had a different experience, and bandying about a negative term might seem like an attempt to banish your devils of among other things, internalized transphobia, with some sort of sweet smelling verbal incense. The reality is, in dealing with uncertainty and nagging doubts by thinking and generally pondering the whole issue, it is not always a bad idea to take your time.

I have posted before that gender transition is a choice, and it is something in which one's values are outed, many in the public judging us as at least as crazy for suddenly starting to dress and live as women. Some talk about existentialism, without thinking of the basic model of Sartrian existentialism. The philosophy of existentialism gives us a more sophisticated view than the theory that being trans is just in your nature. The basic model of Sartrian existentialism, says that in our actions, even simple ones, we create our nature. This would include, arguably, that part of our nature which gender is. We also make a moral statement by our actions. Sartre realized that when in the Resistance in WW2, when people outed themselves and their degree of courageous virtue or not, when faced with clear-cut, life and death decisions very uncharacteristic in their lives in peacetime. He saw it as their creating their character or recreating it, on the spot. We exist first and then create our nature later anyway, says the existentialist. ('Existence precedes essence.') In performing the act of coming out, making the choice to join and play on the pink team, some may think about it more and longer than others, but our approach to recognizing we are trans, depends on our getting the idea, or forming it. Today, being trans is an idea that is well entrenched in the spirit of the times, our times today. It wasn't always a part of our accepted store of knowledge that nearly everyone in our society is aware of, at a specific time in history.

Meringue, my experience is very close to a parallel to yours, but happened in a time when gender change was unknown, (Christine Jorgenson did not start publicizing the TS option until I was about eleven, and then reports were so fragmentary, and buried in the transphobia of the reporters that I and many others did not get the message for another ten or more years. The zeitgeist of my twenties, when the sexual ignorance so general up until then was just starting to be dispelled, taught as part of the newly disseminated sexual knowledge then emergent, that 'cross-dressing' of any kind and for any reason, was a sexual perversion, and if anything more, something that ought to be 'cured.' No wonder those of my generation did not understand whether we were trans or not, but it certainly gave us a better understanding of the element of choice in it, than those generations that followed, who thought it just happened, and very naturally.

It also means that those of my generation have a better grasp on the mechanism of gradually becoming aware of one's trans character, when it is not instant, as it is in some. My consciousness of TS as exemplified in my personal experience, is that it was a process that went hand-in-hand with the evolution towards recognizing the TS phenomenon, in the spirit of the time, adding it to our common body of shared public information.

[Badtranny]

I think that the term 'cowardice' is an inadequate way of understanding what is going on here..

I disagree. I've come to believe that we don't live the lives we want to live, or do the things we want to do because we are slaves to fear. We are afraid to face who we are, we are afraid to face the world, we are afraid to face that fear. It's been said that courage is not that absence of fear, rather the proper management of it. Courage is resolve in the face of fear. The lack of resolve and the surrender to fear is nothing if not cowardice. This is inarguable but for the sake of arguing. It may also be a little pointed but the truth tends to be hard and pointy.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I may set myself up to be miserable, but I'm no masochist! I know how I feel, and that's the wrong way for me. That's one feeling that actually grants me some confidence and peace of mind now and then, knowing that like most women I don't know what it is to play a male role in a relationship, and I don't ever care to find out! Yay for things in common with GGs!

I never meant to give the impression that I'm having legitimate doubts about myself (although that's how it reads I suppose), just can be a bit stressful when everyone else is saying they stole their sister's dress at age four, that just wasn't me for some reason. My back story isn't the typical one, and I figured people (family) would hold than against me. So I guess sorry if this read like more than that, I just wanted to put myself out there!

The funny part is that you are actually pretty typical... the more i learned in therapy the more i realized that the common "back" story is one of may ways we learn to deal with our nature... remember your memory is tricky...

try to think of things that specifically happened to you when you were 4, 6, even 10...its hard...

you are best served (and i think you are kinda there already) to think in terms of what you know NOW, and how you can improve your quality of life going forward..

good luck! you are out there!!!:heehee:

[lemon_meringue_tie]

I think that the term 'cowardice' is an inadequate way of understanding what is going on here. (It also seems a little too strong and even dissonant for a site that is supposed to be open to different kinds of trans experiences and efforts here to give support. I would rather talk of courage, bravery, gumption and so on.) It is also an oversimplification. It may look like weakness for someone else not to be as sure of their destiny as others, who have had a different experience, and bandying about a negative term might seem like an attempt to banish your devils of among other things, internalized transphobia, with some sort of sweet smelling verbal incense. The reality is, in dealing with uncertainty and nagging doubts by thinking and generally pondering the whole issue, it is not always a bad idea to take your time.

There are some hard biters around here for sure, as with many trans-related forums, but I've got pretty darn thick skin these days. I think the whole experience is much easier for people who've always had the gift of confidence than they realize. While I'm not saying transition is ever easy, I think it's a breeze to some compared to others, you know? Even though we share similar experiences or feelings, we're not all alike. We're not all on the same page necessarily.

I come from a long history of self-defeat and crippling shyness. As a child, the only story I could relate to was the ugly duckling, I felt like so much of an outcast. Always telling myself that I looked stupid, sounded stupid, stood out like a sore thumb, and that normals merely tolerated my presence. This long before I ever realized the incongruence of my gender. I imagine most don't struggle equally as hard to accept their worth just as a human being before they realize their battle with gender.

I've come a very long way since then, only as an adult have I realized I did all of that to myself. Now I'm finally in a position of gearing myself up to face real criticism and discrimination. Which I don't think I could be any more ready to face. But more than fear, I need to overcome apathy and just get back that drive in me to actually pursue a life again. I get so uninterested with all aspects of life, yet I really want to be. I've gotten too comfortable doing nothing at all. Literally, nothing with my life. That's my problem.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

as I read your posts your story is more and more the same (with your own twists and turns of course!!) as so many of us..

hopefully that's comforting to you:hugs:

[Bree-asaurus]

I come from a long history of self-defeat and crippling shyness. As a child, the only story I could relate to was the ugly duckling, I felt like so much of an outcast. Always telling myself that I looked stupid, sounded stupid, stood out like a sore thumb, and that normals merely tolerated my presence. This long before I ever realized the incongruence of my gender. I imagine most don't struggle equally as hard to accept their worth just as a human being before they realize their battle with gender.

I've come a very long way since then, only as an adult have I realized I did all of that to myself. Now I'm finally in a position of gearing myself up to face real criticism and discrimination. Which I don't think I could be any more ready to face. But more than fear, I need to overcome apathy and just get back that drive in me to actually pursue a life again. I get so uninterested with all aspects of life, yet I really want to be. I've gotten too comfortable doing nothing at all. Literally, nothing with my life. That's my problem.

Sounds INCREDIBLY familiar ;)