my thoughts on being transgender and the tragedies and triumphs

[emmicd]

sometimes i feel so alone and wonder why i have so much inner turmoil. i never asked for this struggle but i do know what i had to do about it since i was just a kid. if i did not find a way to deal with my transgender feelings i may not be here today quietly reflecting on how my life has turned around remarkably with truly understanding and caring people who have come to accept me and provide me with emotional support and understanding. I am one of the lucky ones!

i must say that i have come a long way since i was living secretly and in such pain. i have survived my inner struggle. sadly many tg girls lose the fight and succumb to their emotional pain and decide to end their life. there are so many who do not find the help and support they need and sadly resort to suicide. suicide is a very real problem in the transgender community and i have heard of so many tragedies that i feel it is important to share my feelings on this. i feel many girls going through this are all alone like i have felt and they have no one to talk to. they meet up with tremendous resistance and are made to feel awful and have to endure criticism, hatred and prejudice from those most closest to them. most have families who turn their back and look the other way. i often wonder why for us life seems so painful and so many simply don't understand us. i truly don't understand this at all since i am a peaceful, kind, caring, sensitive and compassionate person. yes, i too am transgender but that does not change the inner person. i am a truly wonderful person and sadly i had to for so many years hide her and not allow her to experience life as she certainly deserved. life could have been so much more wonderful if i could have shared emily with all of my family and friends so much earlier instead of feeling ashamed and afraid to live and be her. i have cried many times and just feel like my life has been so incomplete and lost in ways that you who do not face this could ever understand. i am deeply emotional about this and every time i read or hear about a tragic story surrounding the unfortunate loss of a sister who just could not bear the pain anymore i just feel so frustrated and helpless. the sad part of all this is i do understand why this happens. i was almost there myself. i would be lying if i told you the thought of suicide never entered my mind. in fact i had struggled with these feelings of sadness, hopelessness, inner pain, prejudice and an overwhelming sense of hopelessness for most of my life. i lived in hiding and very secretive for fear of being found out. i was truly scared and viewed life in a precarious way. i was in deep emotional pain and i had no one to reach out to for help or guidance. it seems that what has affected me for a lifetime is not at all understood by society and people would rather bash us and tell us we deserve to die. they view us as freaks without even trying to understand that we are kind, caring and truly wonderful people. most people don't want to have an open mind about those who are transgender and would rather make us feel awful and not worthy of living and finding our happiness. i am so outraged about society's view of transgender and why their is so very little understanding and acceptance.

is it really that hard to grasp the idea that sometimes a little "boy" is born with feelings not shared by many typical boys? i was that little "boy" who felt most happiest in a dress while clutching on to a raggedy ann doll. for most of my childhood i felt i was a girl but i was all alone and did not know what to do about it. i was afraid and uncertain of my life. i became very closed off and lived with a pain that would never go away. every time i saw a girl dressed and looking so cute i wanted to cry and hide away from everyone. i did not want to have these feelings and the only times i was happy was when i could dress up and be that girl. i was so alone that sometimes i just wanted to go to sleep in a pretty dress and never wake up. i truly wanted to not be here living in such pain. somehow though, despite my feelings i did manage to survive and do wonderful things. i was a very shy kid with heart and determination and knew i had to work hard to achieve anything in my life. i knew i was alone but realized i did have wonderful parents and family. i was just too afraid to talk about my feelings with them.

not many people understand the gender thing at all. they believe if you are born a boy you are a boy and you can never dress as a girl or express feminine feelings. they believe there is no such possibility of a boy actually feeling more like a girl. they dismiss it and feel it is completely abnormal and immediately do everything possible to stop and discourage it. they go by what seems like a mandate from society that boys do not wear dresses or play with barbie dolls. what is wrong about this is that there are sometimes little "boys" who are indeed little girls from the viewpoint of gender. gender is what you feel and identify as. since i was 4 years old i felt i was a girl and knew i was different and yet i could not reach out for help. i was afraid and suffered so much. of course i wanted to die. i wanted to be free of this awful pain. i wanted to die as early as age 12 when i was not able to be that little girl i felt i was inside. i had only one source of comfort and that was the secret times i would dress up and have a chance to be that little girl.

it is my hope that i can share my experiences and teach others that being transgender is ok and we are people who deserve acceptance and our happiness too. life is not always black or white. sometimes there are shades of grey. i pray for all the tg girls who have died in their fight to be true to themselves and i applaud the tg girls who are strong and are able to live their life as girls as they always felt they should. life is too short for us to live in pain and hide who we truly are. it is about time people and society understand us and take into consideration our feelings and not turn a blind eye to it. it will save a life and if we can accept and tolerate each other the world would be such a better place to live.

i am on my way to transitioning and i am working as a trans woman and i am finding acceptance and understanding. it has taken a lifetime as i am now 51 years old but i am finally happy to be true to who i am. for the longest time i was not able to live like this. i am taking one day at a time and i am there for my family and i am fully supportive of my son and i always will be. i am truly sympathetic to his needs and i come from a perspective of understanding and knowing what it means to be different and misunderstood. my son is wonderful and deserves a truly happy life and i will do all i can to help him achieve this. we will both be there for each other.

let's find it in our heart to love and accept all no matter their differences. it will definitely save a life!

emily

[ColleenA]

it is my hope that i can share my experiences and teach others that being transgender is ok and we are people who deserve acceptance and our happiness too. life is not always black or white. sometimes there are shades of grey. i pray for all the tg girls who have died in their fight to be true to themselves and i applaud the tg girls who are strong and are able to live their life as girls as they always felt they should. life is too short for us to live in pain and hide who we truly are.

let's find it in our heart to love and accept all no matter their differences. it will definitely save a life!

emily

For most, it feels safe to hide themselves from people, at least initially, not knowing how others will react. And so, one must find strength in herself.

Then, to present who you are to others is a bold act - which can take an inordinate amount of strength. You risk countless negative reactions - from any stranger you encounter to family and friends who have known you (but not known the real you) for years, maybe your whole life. While it can be wonderful to find supporters and allies, this occurs only at the cost of first revealing who you are. So that first courageous step is something you must do on your own to begin gaining strength from people who love and accept you.

Even after that, though, every step along the path still takes courage and strength. But at least as you take each next step, you can feel encouraged by your successes and by the support you receive from others.

Congratulations to you, Emily, on all you have achieved this far. I wish you continued success - in your own life as well as in helping your sisters on this path.

[KellyJameson]

Hi Emily

You are one of the people who stand out in my mind in that much of the pain I have seen expressed by others in self destructive ways seems to be largely absent in your life.

Your opinion of yourself is very positive and in my opinion for healthy reasons such as your statement of being a "peaceful, kind, caring, sensitive and compassionate person".

Many will make this claim but with you it feels genuine and this comes from your relationship with yourself.

For many gender dysphoria destroys self-worth, self love,self acceptance,self esteem,ect.. or it never allows the development of this relationship to self.

We are the smallest minority I can think of and because so much of male sexuality is feared by the culture a male is particularly feared when there is movement toward the feminine because it is assumed that it is for sexual reasons, sex and gender are the same in most peoples minds.

Also many men are threatened by a TS because they see a male rejecting their masculinity and this represents their own fear of disempowerment represented in another and in their mind only someone who is mentally ill would give up this power.

A transsexual provokes deep primal fear in others and this is why they automatically say it is unnatural and want to attack and destroy the person

In this caustic enviornment I'm amazed that anyone who is TG survives and there are many historical and current examples where they were destroyed directly or indirectly.

I hope you do not have regret for lost time by thinking in terms of your late transition in life because in my mind your cup is half full in that you have survived life with the capacity to still love yourself because a body without this is still in need of healing.

Your relationship with yourself is what will carry you through, you have a indomitable spirit in my opinion and by saving yourself you will be in a better position to help others because first we need to be strong before we can lend our strength to others.

[emmicd]

Dear Kelly and Colleen,

It is with heartfelt words and feelings I write about my experiences and with the sincere desire to help the world understand what transgender is about and maybe come to understand and be a bit sympathetic. We are all good people and deserve to be happy and accepted.
Life is too short to be in hiding for a lifetime.
I know I am not perfect and I have a lot of healing but I also know I am a good person and would never hurt my family or anyone for that matter.
I just want to live and be myself.
That's all! I am not into a movement or anything.
I just want to shed light and help our fellow sisters and show my support and share my experiences in a truthful, honest and sincere way and hopefully help us all in some small way.
Thank you both for your insights shared and for your friendship and continued support and encouragement.

Love,

Emily

[Melody Moore]

A friend of mine posted this today to their Facebook page and I really think its so true...

Sometimes in life you will find yourself with no-one to turn to
for advice and comfort, but this is the time that will define you.

You ARE strong enough to fight this.