Julie
11-23-2005, 06:36 PM
One of the biggest struggles I've had is with being the person I want to be and being the person my family wants, especially my kids. I've anguished over this far more than I'd like to admit and it has caused a lot of stress in my life. I've felt I was in a hopeless situation because I couldn't choose one over the other.
A few days ago I was in a pretty bad state of mind. This internal battle was really getting to me and I began to believe I would have to live the rest of my life with it. That to me is pretty depressing. Finally I just couldn't think about it any more and I decided to immerse myself in the TV. I was fortunate to find some shows that caught my interest and soon I was involved in the story lines.
After a couple of hours I got up and something came over me. Suddenly I saw something, even though I had heard it many times, and it just fit. Instead of anguishing over my kids estrangement and blaming myself I looked at all the good I did for them and their mom. I was a good and loving husband, always faithful. I feel I did a great job teaching my kids the lessons they needed to learn to not just survive in this world but to thrive. I was a good provider and a good father and husband. I attended all the kid's functions, helped them through rough times and taught them good morals. I have nothing to apologize for. They are grown now and doing well. I'm very proud of them.
Now it's my time. If they choose to be part of my life I will welcome them with open arms, even if they come to me years from now. But this is my life now. I've sacrificed a lot for my family and gave up a lot of personal happiness for them. I've also experienced a lot of happiness having them in my life. But they are moving on and it's wrong of me to continue to sacrifice my own happiness just so they can enjoy a few moments with their dad as they want him to be. I need to feel happiness from within.
As I accepted this I felt inner peace for the first time in my life. I saw an end to this internal battle and the beginning of the life I've wanted to live all along. I'm not sure where this path will take me or how long it will take to get there but as long as there's light at the end of the tunnel that's all I can ask. Finally, what I've known all along sunk in and took hold. It must be my thick skull :rolleyes:
A few days ago I was in a pretty bad state of mind. This internal battle was really getting to me and I began to believe I would have to live the rest of my life with it. That to me is pretty depressing. Finally I just couldn't think about it any more and I decided to immerse myself in the TV. I was fortunate to find some shows that caught my interest and soon I was involved in the story lines.
After a couple of hours I got up and something came over me. Suddenly I saw something, even though I had heard it many times, and it just fit. Instead of anguishing over my kids estrangement and blaming myself I looked at all the good I did for them and their mom. I was a good and loving husband, always faithful. I feel I did a great job teaching my kids the lessons they needed to learn to not just survive in this world but to thrive. I was a good provider and a good father and husband. I attended all the kid's functions, helped them through rough times and taught them good morals. I have nothing to apologize for. They are grown now and doing well. I'm very proud of them.
Now it's my time. If they choose to be part of my life I will welcome them with open arms, even if they come to me years from now. But this is my life now. I've sacrificed a lot for my family and gave up a lot of personal happiness for them. I've also experienced a lot of happiness having them in my life. But they are moving on and it's wrong of me to continue to sacrifice my own happiness just so they can enjoy a few moments with their dad as they want him to be. I need to feel happiness from within.
As I accepted this I felt inner peace for the first time in my life. I saw an end to this internal battle and the beginning of the life I've wanted to live all along. I'm not sure where this path will take me or how long it will take to get there but as long as there's light at the end of the tunnel that's all I can ask. Finally, what I've known all along sunk in and took hold. It must be my thick skull :rolleyes: