Supportive Wife Question

[Rachel E Lee]

My wife has known about my CDing since we were dating and supports my feelings and needs (as of now, only about 3-4 times a year). The only problem she has is when people laugh at me. It doesn't bother me, as I enjoy giving people a good laugh as much as anyone, and I can laugh right along with them! But seeing people laugh at her husband distresses my wife deeply, and I want to be sensitive to her feelings.

Has anyone else here encountered a similar situation? If so, how did you handle it?

Thanks in advance!

Rachel

[Jenniferathome]

I've not had the same experience, but when my wife and I went out together the first time, she was on edge because she wanted ME to have a good time. Perhaps it is a bit of the same. If she knows you are ok, she may be less stressed.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Rachel, That has to be a hard thing for your wife to accept
someone making fun of the one she loves.

[RADER]

Welcome to the Forum, In answer to your question, It all depends on how well you
transfer your looks from male to female. If you look like a man wearing a dress, you will get a few
Ho-Ho's. However, maybe with the help of your wife on make-up, wig styling, and dress in general,
Not to forget a real good shave, Your appearance would look more natural, and not get the
negative input you are now getting.
Surf around the forum, you will find some here that can change into a real beauty Queen, And you would
swear that they where a Female.
Try asking your wife for help to look more female, after all, she has had more practice than you.
Rader

[Eryn]

Rachel, my wife has said that her main concern when I started going out was that someone might ridicule me. Our wives, particularly accepting ones, are very protective of us. Think lionesses with cubs! :)

Now, I don't know you at all but my experience is that I've never had anyone laugh at me. If people are openly laughing at you, you might want to consider your presentation or perhaps the places to which you are taking your wife.

I'll agree with Rader that perhaps your wife might be of assistance, but remember that we often have to learn things for ourselves. My wife can look amazing with two or three products, but I need to wear twelve to appear acceptable in public. Possession of a second X chromosome does not mean that someone is a makeup expert! My wife helps me by checking my application, but I learned most of the techniques on my own.

[DonniDarkness]

Always remember our wives are "going out too". These are most likely their first times out as well, And they have anxieties even if they are different than our own, they effect both people in the relationship. The best thing to do when either of you get nervous is talk through it. It has helped me and my wifey, when we (mostly I) were having problems while out and about and/or dealing with anxieties about being seen as a crossdressing couple.

Best wishes,
-Donni-

[linda allen]

Welcome to the Forum, In answer to your question, It all depends on how well you
transfer your looks from male to female. If you look like a man wearing a dress, you will get a few
Ho-Ho's. However, maybe with the help of your wife on make-up, wig styling, and dress in general,
Not to forget a real good shave, Your appearance would look more natural, and not get the
negative input you are now getting.
Surf around the forum, you will find some here that can change into a real beauty Queen, And you would
swear that they where a Female.
Try asking your wife for help to look more female, after all, she has had more practice than you.
Rader

That pretty well sums it up. You've got to do a better job of looking like a female and your wife should be able to help.

Now if it's not at all possible (because you are a retired pro wrestler or footbal player, etc.), you'll just have to put up with the people or limit your dressing to provate places like your home or a hotel.

[Sandra]

Our wives, particularly accepting ones, are very protective of us. Think lionesses with cubs! :)



That sums it up well :) Even after 25 years I'm still very protective

[Kerigirl2009]

How my wife would define the laughing, is they are also laughing at her. so she is embarrassed and we may not be. This is one of her greatest fears. I don't have it but she does. But then again my wife is not the supportive type when it comes to her husband portraying a woman. My wife would rather run and hide and NEVR let me out as Keri.
I guess if I understood where she was coming from then I would not do it, but I do.

My suggestion is - take her to a dark place like a theater, this way the people cannot see you at all times. I have no clue, sorry
Good luck

[Rachel E Lee]

I don't have enough posts yet to upload a picture, when I reach the magic number, you all will be able to critique my look. Thanks again!

[linda allen]

I don't have enough posts yet to upload a picture, when I reach the magic number, you all will be able to critique my look. Thanks again!

That may help some, but it's hard to be totally honest to a stranger or even a new virtual friend. Your wife is in the best position to critique your look as well as help you improve it. And she is more apt to be totally honest.

[Silentpartner GG SO]

From a GG point of view, your wife may also be feeling that they are laughing at her too - you know the sort of thing people can say - "OMG, look at that guy in a dress, and his wife is with him too - fancy being married to him, she must be mad/stupid/etc. etc, doesnt she have any self respect"
if your wife feels that things like this are being said when people laugh at you, she will feel insulted, hurt and embarrassed as well as protective of you

If you are going out en femme you need to be fairly passable, not that you will fool everybody but at least so that you are not the subject of ridicule, and therefore by association your wife also gets ridiculed. If you can make yourself look presentable, passable and dont stand out, people shouldnt laugh

[Rachel E Lee]

i guess I should have mentioned that, while I work very diligently to be as feminine looking as possible, I'm also very tall, and there's very little I can do about that! I'm passable while sitting down or riding in a car, but when I stand up, all bets are off!

[StephanieJ]

Try asking your wife for help to look more female, after all, she has had more practice than you.

My wife was always okay(ish) with me wearing nylons and nighties, but she wasn't okay with dresses and makeup. Then one day out of the blue she agreed to help me ONE TIME. (That's the day my avatar picture was taken) I always thought that the more passable I was the more accepting she would be. Turns out that the exact opposite was true. The more feminine I looked the harder it was for her to be accepting. Apparently she preferred the man-in-a-dress over the "passable" CD.

[Rachel E Lee]

I do, believe me! There's nary a pair of heels in my wardrobe!

[Diversity]

Hi Rachel,This would be hard for your wife to deal with no doubt about it, because she obviously cares about you! Two suggestions which come to mind would be to a) check your look in the mirror to improve your 'passability', and b) change your outing times and locations. Even if it it means dressing at home, it may be the best alternative for your wife's sake.
Sometimes, no matter how hard one tries, one cannot make one's physical stature (male) look like a female! I wish you good luck!
Di

[Marleena]

I can't really add much to this. My wife is accepting and goes out with me too. She is more nervous than I am about other people's reactions. I'm not sure where you are going or where you live but people laughing at you doesn't sound right. I can only think it's the way you're dressed, or you don't look convincing enough to blend in (face) or it's your mannerisms. If you go out around teenage girls they will read you fast, they need to be avoided.

[Jorja]

i guess I should have mentioned that, while I work very diligently to be as feminine looking as possible, I'm also very tall, and there's very little I can do about that! I'm passable while sitting down or riding in a car, but when I stand up, all bets are off!

I want you to know, I dealt with a woman (a GG) today that was 6'8" and near 7' tall when she put on her heels. She was an absolute knock out. If her height bothered her she certianly didn't show it. Work with what you got.

[Rachel E Lee]

I want you to know, I dealt with a woman (a GG) today that was 6'8" and near 7' tall when she put on her heels. She was an absolute knock out. If her height bothered her she certianly didn't show it. Work with what you got.

I have this fantasy of going out to dinner with an entire women's basketball team, so I could "blend in" :)

[Rachel E Lee]

Right? When I was 19 I went out with a GG that was 6'5' tall...I wanted to see her in heels so we went to a store in Austin TX. I bought her some 4" heels and she was stunning. My CD'ism was on hold back then...but I KNEW I loved me some high heeled women...so we went with it.

I can still see her. She recently IM'd me on my FB page...

We're friends.

OMG...she still has those heels in her profile pix!

I showed her profile to my wife. My wife goes...so THAT'S her? She's beautiful!"

"Yep" I said...'That's her. She is. But your are more beautiful"

"How much more beautiful?" My wife asked..

"INFINITELY MORE SO!" I responded.

She smiled at my truism....

My wife is 5' 10" and I still tower over her even when she's in heels. Her best friends are a lesbian couple. I came out to them a few months ago, and now they're all excited about going out on the town with Rachel!

Right now, we're trying to figure out a date on the calendar when we're all free at the same time! I'll let y'all know how everything goes!

[Marleena]

Yes, I have to agree your height should not be a big issue Rachel. We have a lot of taller girls here that go out all of the time without any real problems. BTW nobody knows she's your wife, she could be a lady friend for all they know. I told my wife I'm her sister when we're out:)

[Eryn]

Regarding height: I'm 6'2" tall. 6'2" is the 95th percentile for men and the 99th percentile for women in the US. That means that one out of 100 women is my height or taller. That seems like a tiny number, but on a stroll through a mall one will probably see two or three women of that height so we're not all that unusual.

Now, let's look at the public perception of height. I can gauge it pretty well because I can say that anyone whose eyes are above my horizon are in the top percentile and therefore are really tall. What about a GG who is closer to the norm, say 5'6"? To her, half the women are taller than she is and to her there isn't a large visual difference between women who are 5'10", 6', or 6'2". They're all a lot taller than she is, and the common use of heels by even tall GGs confuses this even further.

I normally wear flats in mainstream situations, reserving heels for outings with CDing groups were blending isn't important. When encountering a tall GG while dressed in public the same thing always happens. Her eyes and mine both unconsciously drop to the other's feet to see if the other is wearing heels, then the eyes meet again and we both smile. I suppose that we could call it "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Legs!" :)

[Megan_Renee]

I do, believe me! There's nary a pair of heels in my wardrobe!

Someone need to go shopping! Laaaaaaa!

[mayacd7]

I agree with Donni, it is not only us that are nervous but also our wife's. It is definitely in a different way but they are nervous and the best way is to talk through. Great advise Donni.

[Rachel E Lee]

OK, my profile picture is observable now. Critiques are welcome!

[Eryn]

Rachel, you look just fine in your profile picture. Under what circumstances are people laughing at you?

[Jorja]

From your profile picture, I see nothing to laugh at. I see a good looking woman.

[Marleena]

I don't see anything wrong either.:) Something doesn't add up.

[Rachel E Lee]

Yes. Something doesn't add up....:)



Yeah, what circumstances?!?

Mostly my wife has problems when we first enter a room when people see how tall I am. Sometimes a kid's comment will set it off: We went to a restaurant when we were out of town with another CD couple. A 4 year old kid pointed at me and said, "Mama! That's a BIG lady!".

I took the laughter in stride, but I could tell my wife was embarrassed.

Sometimes, someone in another group will bring up my height in a derogatory manner. Once, I had a man who was standing in a theatre line with my wife and me. He asked, "Why do you do this! Answer that one question, WHY DO YOU DO THIS!"

My reply, "It's not my fault! I was raised by poodles!"

[heatherdress]

Rachel -
Mabe you should simply go to less discrete places and you will not attract any attention due to your height.

[ReineD]

How my wife would define the laughing, is they are also laughing at her. so she is embarrassed and we may not be.

I've been all over the place with this over the years. My SO doesn't have particularly mannish facial features nor is she overly tall (we are only 1" apart in height when I wear 3" heels), and with her small hands and feet (same size as mine), natural mid-back hair (which she wears tied at the nape in guy mode), an absence of beard shadow (she's had laser to get rid of all the dark beard), her light eyebrows that are trimmed, good makeup skills and clothing choices, I felt that no one would read her. So in the very beginning I had no qualms about going out ... until we were going up an escalator while two women passed us on the down escalator. I turned my head and saw them nod at us, whisper and giggle. I was devastated.

It was as if they were laughing at both of us. I was very much concerned for my SO's feelings and I was surprised that I also felt a degree of shame. I did not expect to feel this and I don't understand why I did. So then I began a phase of not looking at anyone when we went out (this lasted about a year), for fear of detecting a sneer or a stare. And when I did notice someone staring, I just wanted to sink into the ground. I eventually got over it (lost the shame of being read) because we went out a lot, and then began phase 3 where I would get angry if anyone dared to look cross-eyed at us. lol. But, eventually I decided to tell myself that the people who do read us and stare, do not necessarily judge us negatively. They may just be curious. So then I entered phase 4. I no longer avoid meeting people's gazes, and when I feel they are staring, I smile. If I feel they are judging us, then I give them an icy stare until they look away. lol

Once, some teenagers yelled insults at my SO from a passing car and if I had had that young man in front of me, I would have spoken to him severely. I hated to see my SO's feelings being hurt. Another time we were at a clothing store. The SAs had not seen us walking in together and when they looked up, I was at a rack near them while my SO was further away. They started to whisper, nod, and giggle, and I had daggers coming out of my eyes directed at them. They caught my glance and immediately stopped. I'm glad that my SO did not see this.

I suppose that during my phase 2, I felt the same type of shame that I would have felt, had I been a M2F TG and someone read me as a "guy" in a dress. Even though I do not CDress, when I am with my SO, I think of us as one and rightly or wrongly, I took everything directed at her onto myself as well.

Edit - This was the aspect of the CDing that I found most difficult.

[Eryn]

Mostly my wife has problems when we first enter a room when people see how tall I am. Sometimes a kid's comment will set it off: We went to a restaurant when we were out of town with another CD couple. A 4 year old kid pointed at me and said, "Mama! That's a BIG lady!".

Note the key word: "lady!"


I took the laughter in stride, but I could tell my wife was embarrassed.

Sometimes, someone in another group will bring up my height in a derogatory manner. Once, I had a man who was standing in a theatre line with my wife and me. He asked, "Why do you do this! Answer that one question, WHY DO YOU DO THIS!"

My reply, "It's not my fault! I was raised by poodles!"

A better answer would be a deadpan "Do what?"

If he was stupid enough to reply "dress like a woman" you'd say "Because I *am* a woman. Do you know how hurtful it is for Neanderthals like you to pass judgment on me just because I'm tall?" No man wants to be seen as being mean to a woman.

Just out of curiosity, and only if you don't mind saying, how tall are you?

[WifeofWrenchette]

That sums it up well :) Even after 25 years I'm still very protectiveYep, me too Sandra. If anyone makes fun of my husband I won't be silent. I don't feel shame for me in any way, but I do feel protective over my husband like lioness with her cub.

[noeleena]

Hi,

Okay im one of those that has too much male facial features, so if it was about passing iv failed before i get out the door,

19 years ago i told Jos i was / am a woman. = female & not a dresser or trans, well that went down well....not so 8 years of ...HELL... trust me it was, so no way would Jos be seen with me had i gone down the road dressed,

Yet dispite what we went through we stayed together & yes even sat through two years of my getting my clothes makeup & every thing ready for where i was going & doing, remember im an intersexed woman even so its just as hard to get through. after the heat had died down i did go out dressed in my female clothes, for a few years,

After Jos had accepted that i was different & had some idear of my being intersex , Jos did help in many ways even with accepting my surgerys & that took a while for Jos to get used to.remember at that time we had many years together so know pretty much each other very well

About 4 years ago even though Jos was not really happy going out with me she did relent & got used to me , of cause over the last 3 years Jos would say well come on lets get going . well we are going out arnt we, now she is not bothered,

one concern was what will others say, oh that ? well after i went to air nation wide, viewed by some 3 millon people interviews for papers & the net, Jos said well every one will now know , so from then on we just live our lives as pretty normal people as i say the 7 day wonder is over, people still come up to me & say hi. they know my background,

so theres no what will they say detail ,

Yes people who dont know me will ...look.... well come on i am different so why not. even Jos thinks its funny people looking .

Jos is still the one i love & allways will ,we spend time to gether surport each other spend time with family we have 16 in our family our three & two wifes , we have two sons & one lass & 9 grandkids.

& to tell the truth what iv put them through i belive we have come through intack pretty well concidering my difference .so even though im intersex its still not easy .

My best friend though is far more than that is Jos & yes i only use our real names & if your interested put my name on the net & youll see my propfile of no-el to noeleena...

...noeleena...

[linda allen]

.............. Once, I had a man who was standing in a theatre line with my wife and me. He asked, "Why do you do this! Answer that one question, WHY DO YOU DO THIS!""

Well, that was uncalled for. Kind of like asking an amputee "What happened to your leg?"

Just ignoring the person might be the best response.

BTW: Your photo looks great. Nothing to be ashamed of.

[PetiteDuality]

This is the kind of posts that dissipates my pink fog.

My face has too many masculine features. My shoulders are broad. I'm V shaped. My legs look masculine even when shaved. Of course people will laugh at me.

Some of the people writing in this post look wonderful (at least in pictures), and obviously don't pass (I say that because of the stories here, not because of their looks). I have no chances at all.

Many would say that passing is overrated. How can it be overrated if my fantasy is exactly to look like a woman?

[meganmartin]

My wife has never been out with me but she has asked this question.
Just as your wife she just worried about you.

[ReineD]

Some of the people writing in this post look wonderful (at least in pictures), and obviously don't pass (I say that because of the stories here, not because of their looks). I have no chances at all.

A tiny picture (compared to life size) that shows only one angle with a static facial expression, and that is carefully chosen out of dozens, is no indication of an ability to pass (being taken as a genetic woman) in real life. In any given minute an onlooker sees dozens of subtle changes in facial angles and expressions, even if a CDer is just sitting at a table in a coffee shop reading a newspaper.

But, I agree that we have many very attractive members here. :)

[linda allen]

Mostly my wife has problems when we first enter a room when people see how tall I am. Sometimes a kid's comment will set it off: We went to a restaurant when we were out of town with another CD couple. A 4 year old kid pointed at me and said, "Mama! That's a BIG lady!".

I took the laughter in stride, but I could tell my wife was embarrassed.

Sometimes, someone in another group will bring up my height in a derogatory manner. Once, I had a man who was standing in a theatre line with my wife and me. He asked, "Why do you do this! Answer that one question, WHY DO YOU DO THIS!"

My reply, "It's not my fault! I was raised by poodles!"

These issues seem to be related to the situations you put yourself in so if you or your wife are uncomfortable with these comments, consider where and when you go out. Standing in a line with other people who have nothing to do but stare at you is going to cause issues. Eating in a restaurant with another CD couple could well be the same.

Walking in the park, window shopping downtown or in the mall, visiting a zoo or museum, these are activities where people are in continuous motion and have other things to occupy their minds. Be more selective where you go and you can minimize the chance of unpleasant incidents.