Do you have guilty feelings about CD.

[Lucy Lou]

Hi
Hi Everybody. Is it just me or do any of you dress up feel great about it take photos of yourself and then a day later feel really guilty about it. I have been dressing up for years but keep getting these panic moments when I spend days regretting it.

The main problem is I keep going back to it. When I am dressed I feel so great, and, dare I say it I think I look quite good but this head thing is really making it difficult.

Am I alone in this or does anybody else get these doubting feelings.

Lucy

[emma1985]

Hey Lucy!!

Firstly never feel guilty for who you are.

I can totally relate to you situation, im feeling it right now, I've thought about this through and through, Im a Christian so I've battled with feeling's concerning that but in general, I have the same issue, I always feel guilty, but then I think why should I feel guilty!! Im not hurting anyone!! Im certainly doing no harm to the environment!! Im just me and you know what, being this part of me make's me happy!

I wish you all the best

:)

[Lucy Lou]

Thank you Emma, I know I have to just accept it and as you say, I am not hurting anybody. I do feel good when I am dressed so why do I feel so bad. Silly really, but rather harder to sort out in my head. xx Lucy

[suzy1]

Are you doing anything wrong?
Are you hurting anybody?
Are you getting enjoyment and satisfaction from dressing?
Are you fulfilling a need?

Sometimes your worst enemy is yourself.:eek:

Just have fun girl:)

[ArleneRaquel]

Denial of who you are can much physical/mental damage, being yourself is a great healer. :bighug:@Lucy Lou

[Lucy Lou]

Thank you girls. I need to here that. And yes it makes me feel wonderful and totally right. I could dress every day if I had the chance.

[ArleneRaquel]

Thank you girls. I need to here that. And yes it makes me feel wonderful and totally right. I could dress every day if I had the chance.

Lucy,
Dressing every day is a joy and a great way to live, if possible.

[Lucy Lou]

Thank you suzy. You are of course totally right. Hugs Lucy.

[Lorileah]

Why would you feel guilty? Did you steal a cookie? As part of our Euro/American society we feel guilty about everything. It is conditioned. Don't feel guilty, you didn't do anything to be guilty about. No one is harmed in the act (unless that is part of why they dress but we won't get into that)

[RebeccaLynne]

Lucy, I think I understand your feelings of guilt. The thought that "what I'm doing just isn't right".

You're wearing clothes and cosmetics customarily designated for females, and you're male. So you think you may be doing something wrong. Not in my opinion. You're doing something that makes you happy while doing it, and hurting no one in the process. You enjoy dressing up, and look good doing it.

So in answer to your question... no, I don't feel guilty; I relish every moment of everyday I have the luxury of dressing as a woman... and I never regret that choice. :)

[Karren H]

I fell guilty o didn't take more photos.... and better photos.... and more better photos.... lol

[CynthiaD]

Lucy:

I share many of your feelings, and I don't claim to understand everything perfectly either. I would like nothing more than to dress as a woman all the time, but because of the demands of work and family, I can't. The longer I spend in drab, the more I feel the need to be feminine. Eventually, after two days or so, the need to be feminine has gotten so strong I can't think about anything else: I just have to dress. Once I put on my female clothing, I feel an intense feeling of euphoria that lasts about an hour or so. Then the feeling subsides, and I become an ordinary person who just happens to be female. The pressure is gone, and I have a hard time understanding what drove me so hard to dress. It's almost like being terribly hungry. Once you've eaten, you lose the obsession with food, and have a hard time remembering the hunger. It's at times like these when the feelings of guilt arise. (Sometimes.) The need to be feminine has been satisfied, and it's hard to remember just how urgent that need was. I begin to feel that maybe I was just being silly and selfish. But I also know (intellectually, if not emotionally) that the need will come back. And it will start coming back as soon as I dress in drab clothing. It's this knowledge that keeps away the feelings of guilt. I need to be feminine, and by acknowledging this need, and by satisfying it, I can be more well balanced and normal.

Cynthia

[dallasmann]

The ONLY times I ever feel guilty are when I'm channel-surfing and spend more than 20 seconds on 'Jerry Springer'.

[sinderella]

I haven't felt guilty as an adult...but when I was a young boy and my sister 11 months my senior found her white snap crotch body suit, white go go boots, panty hose, bra and blonde wig stashed in the barn...she ran straight to my mother and Baptist preacher father with her discovery...they knew who hid them in the barn and why...they worked a 9 yr old boys mind over and instilled all kinds of guilt into his mind. But it never broke him...he sneaked it all away again and had all kinds of late late night fun twisting and prancing up and down a country road. It took many yrs to get beyond the guilt but I made it.

[linda allen]

The direct answer is, no, I do not feel guilty. I did feel somewhat guilty when I was deceiving my wife, but now that she knows and sees me dressed at home and underdressed in public, I have no guilt whatsoever.

If you're not hurting anybody and not lying to anybody, there's no reason to feel guilty.

And - If you paid for them, they are not "women's clothes", they are your clothes! :heehee:

[Tara D. Rose]

I understand the guilt. I have had it all of my life. I fought with that guilt for the most part. I have learned now to embrace this side of me, for now I know that it will never go away. I'm lucky in that I have a wife that understands this side of me. This site has been very instrumental in helping me understand so much about myself that I never knew before, and that I wasn't alone nor a freak. So with that being said, I have relinquished a lot of the guilt I have had in the past which forced me to throw everything away one time many years ago. The guilt you feel sometimes will ease up as life moves forward, and with so much learning on this site. And from going to TG conventions and talking face to face with people like us and share the stories so openly. The guilt will subside in time.
I still feel a little guilty sometimes, but it is a far cry from the guilt I felt a few years ago. I felt so guilty I really wanted to die. I'm glad I'm still here though and can sleep better at night unlike it used to be for me.
Tara

[Cynthia Anne]

I went through a gilt period when I was in my teens, but that was a few years ago! Never been back!

[STACY B]

Guilty ? Never ,,, Always acussed but never convicted ,,, I plead no contest you Honer !!!

[Joanne.England]

We should not feel guilty, afterall we are commiting no crime either legally or morally (in most countries). If doing it makes you feel better (and it makes me feel better and more ontent) then why not. Like many have said we are not harming anyone.

[Michelle (Oz)]

My only guilt is the time I take if I have other pressing work to be done.

[docrobbysherry]

The issue with guilt is what causes that for u, Lucy?

In my case, it's because dressing has turned me into a pervert. I find that difficult to justify or accept!

[ColleenCD]

Hi Lucy Lou,

I'm worn out with the guilt bit. I've learned about myself and what I can do by simply doing it, and not living in guilt land because in my mind it might offend someone who needs to judge me to make themselves feel better about themselves. Get strong and move on.

Colleen

[Eryn]

Lucy, I did the guilt and shame thing for a long time. About 35 years. Then I finally figured out what this CDing thing was all about and put them behind me. Guilt and shame both relate to what other people think of me. The people whose acceptance is important to me like me as I am. What the rest of the population thinks does not concern me!

[mayacd7]

I used to feel guilty but after awhile I released live is about happiness and if I am happy then why should I care what anyone else thinks.

[Alice Torn]

I can agree with Doc robbysherry. But, I suffer guilt and shame for religious reasons, too. The church i have been with for many years condemns crossdressing, , and the Bible is against men being effeminate, or women being masculine, and we are forbidden wearing each others clothes. Deut 22:5. I believe the Bible, but that one stature law, I have trouble with, and as long as i dress, there will be guilt and shame, self loathing. I know that if i die before Christ returns, I will have no more dressing, and if I am allowed in His spirit being kingdom, i will not need any clothe!

[NathalieX66]

I can agree with Doc robbysherry. But, I suffer guilt and shame for religious reasons, too. The church i have been with for many years condemns crossdressing, , and the Bible is against men being effeminate, or women being masculine, and we are forbidden wearing each others clothes. Deut 22:5. I believe the Bible, but that one stature law, I have trouble with, and as long as i dress, there will be guilt and shame, self loathing. I know that if i die before Christ returns, I will have no more dressing, and if I am allowed in His spirit being kingdom, i will not need any clothe!



Deuteronomy? That's so Old Testament. .....kind of primitive and barbaric.
Here's a skit from comedian Lewis Black. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LGrlWOhtj3g

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Lucy , Nothing to feel guilty about.

[MsMegan]

Lucy,
I have stuggled with guilt quite a bit myself, not wanting to accept my behavior, not wanting to feel like a 'wierdo' or anything, not wanting to be less masculene than my friends. But living in denial and feeling guilty is a hard way to live. My guilt caused me to throw away all my clothes on several occasions (which I DO NOT suggest) because I've found that I just keep coming back to dressing, but now I'm missing my favorite pair of boots...my favorite corset... Anyway.. Guilt will fade with acceptance of your other half, and in time, you'll be okay with who you are. And the more you stop caring about what other people think, the easier it gets. Good luck, and be strong, theres nothing wrong with us.

[Alice Torn]

Nathalie, Thanks. That dude is funny. I don't believe the earth is only 6000 yrs old, and i don't believe the dinosaurs lived in the same time as man.

[sissystephanie]

Maybe 65 or 70 year ago when I was a young lad, I did feel a little guilty when I dressed up in my sisters clothes. But I got over that, and now that I 80 I just don't give a darn! After all, I dress to please myself, not the rest of the world!! And that is what all the rest of you should do!!

[Erica2Sweet]

...No one is harmed in the act (unless that is part of why they dress but we won't get into that)

OK now the thread is getting interesting. You have my complete and undivided attention... ;)

[Megan_Leah]

I feel no guilt at all.

[heatherdress]

Hi Lucy - I feel no guilt, either. As many others have said, you need to understand what is making you guilty. In and of itself, there is nothing wrong with wearing clothes of any type or style. Dressing makes you feel great. There should be no sadness attched with your wonderful feelings of joy.

[Wildaboutheels]

Nope, not once in over 50 years, but I've never based what I do in/with my life on what others THINK or say or what "they" consider normal or acceptable.

"We have met the enemy and he is us". [POGO]

THIS ^^^ is what holds so many back here.

[stockinged nemo]

Yes and No - sometimes one, sometimes the other, sometimes both lol. I feel guilty that I did not tell my wife before we were married. I did not fully understand at the time that it was not something that I could just sweep under the rug so to speak and thought that I could just will it away and it would be a non issue. I feel guilty that telling my wife has not done any good for our relationship and that she wishes she would have known before we were married.

I have shed the religious guilt aspect as I am a Christian also. Writings in Deuteronomy were meant for the time and were written with the knowledge of the time. Much is simply non applicable today. There are verses in the same Book (Deuteronomy) that consider things like getting a tattoo, eating shelfish, and not maintaining a certain haircut, or facial hair style, (and many more) to be sinful. So what happens is that many Christian teachers and churches have picked and chosen out of Deuteronomy what they FEEL is still sinful (often those feelings get mixed up with how they were taught growing up what was proper and "normal") and so we must take Deuteronomy and others feelings into context here. There is nothing that I feel is sinful about it in and of itself, unless crossdressing would mix with selfishness, or take away from one's relationship with God by devoting so much time and effort to it that other areas of a God pleasing life are affected. But this, in my way of thinking, would be the same as any other "hobby" or thing we enjoy to do, such as watching football, going bowling, etc. etc.

I feel guilty towards myself that I have not been able to fully grasp and comprehend the whole thing yet, and that I have not really felt that I can freely tell anybody. The one person I did tell (my wife) does not like it, and so far has been unwilling to even learn anything more about the topic although she has a little background with it from a former co-worker. Getting some feelings on the forum from time to time is at least a little therapeutic for me, and has helped me better understand myself. I feel guilty about feeling guilty, because intellectually I "get" that I am not doing anything wrong, but the guilt is still there at times. I am working on accepting myself for who I am, but at times still wish I didn't need to dress, which I also feel guilty about, because I wouldn't be being true to myself lol.
So I guess currently the answer is more Yes than No, but I am progressing.

[Cheryl T]

I went through that for so many years before coming out to my wife. That's really the biggest reason I would purge. I'd buy something new, get all dressed and feel so great then have this tremendous remorse and guilt a few days later that I would sometimes just toss everything.
About 8 years ago I couldn't take it any longer. The hiding and sneaking and lying got to me and I came clean to her. Luckily she has accepted me and through that I have come to accept myself and no longer have those nagging feelings. Now I can be who I am without regret and shame....it's a wonderful feeling.

[Sharon B.]

I feel guilty because I should have accepted myself years ago. I should have never gotten married when I did divorced after ten years, one of the reason was my cross-dressing the other money. Now twenty years later I have accepted that I won't be changing my ways. Just wish I would have done this thirty years ago and lived my life accordingly.

[Noel Chimes]

Personally, the "guilt" thing comes from the preconceived notion that "men are men and women are women". And that any deviation from that is wrong. However for me it has gone past that. My dressing only reflects what I feel and who I am turned outwards. Can we deny who we are? No. Personally I feel that we who dress have stepped out of the "box" the world wants everything to be in and show that boundaries can be crossed without some sort of catastrophic destruction of the human race. It's just too bad that so many humans on this planet are devoid of independent thought to the fact that people do see the world differently. As far as I am concerned the only thing that a box is good for is my latest pair of heels.

[joan47]

NO, Never, I just feel thatI am more feminine than male

[dominique]

Did have the guilt thing many years ago, but overcame it. I just accepted that I love being a woman.

[Angela Campbell]

It is strange that our society has been able to mold us to the point that just wanting to look female when we were born male will make us feel guilty. I never felt guilty but I was able from a very young age to make sure it was hidden very well so as to avoid ridicule. The more I am able to present as female the less concern I have. I am not there yet but within a year or so I will be able to look very female.

[Jamie001]

Personally, the "guilt" thing comes from the preconceived notion that "men are men and women are women". And that any deviation from that is wrong. However for me it has gone past that. My dressing only reflects what I feel and who I am turned outwards. Can we deny who we are? No. Personally I feel that we who dress have stepped out of the "box" the world wants everything to be in and show that boundaries can be crossed without some sort of catastrophic destruction of the human race. It's just too bad that so many humans on this planet are devoid of independent thought to the fact that people do see the world differently. As far as I am concerned the only thing that a box is good for is my latest pair of heels.

Your statement that "men are men and women are women" is not quite correct. Men are expected to be men at all times, however, women are allowed and sometimes even encouraged to step out of the gender binary and express masculine characteristics. Men are trapped in their very small box and they don't fight to get out because they are locked into the herd mentality and are brainwashed that they must conform.

[Lucy Lou]

Thank you heather, well said. I do feel right dressing and am not going to stop. Lucy

[Lucy Lou]

Oh and thank you everyone else too. makes me feel 100% better. Lucy

[Beverley Sims]

As time goes by the doubt and guilt fade away.
Get out and have a good time meeting people.

[heatherdress]

Good for you , Lucy. I am glad you feel OK. It is nice to discover friends around the world who live and feel as we do. Seems so simple, but it is comforting.

[ArleneRaquel]

I have guilty feeling if I have hurt another person's feeling, or if I have been mean, things like that, but never I the last eight years have I felt guilt about CD'ing. In the past yes, but that phase of my life is gone.:):)

[Foxglove]

Hi, Lucy! Guilt is a funny thing, and people can have different reasons for it. It's like you have your own personal version of it.

There was one odd little hurdle I had to get over. I used to have the usual sort of guilt, "Oh, my God, what am I doing? I can't be doing this! This is so disgusting, so shameful, etc." I eventually got past that.

Then I came up against something else. "There's nothing wrong with CDing. It's not shameful. It just is. And it's OK for all those other people. But it's simply not me. Nothing against those other people, but I'm not that sort of person."

In other words, I was up against my self-image, and being trans didn't fit into that. But my view is changing now. I was recently reminded of the old joke: a guy turns his face to the heavens and cries out, "Why me?" And his answer comes down from on high straightaway: "Why not?"

That's the way I feel now. Why not? Why shouldn't I be trans, too? There's all sorts of obstacles you can put in your way to self-acceptance. You may have your own personal ones. The more you allow yourself to be trans, the more comfortable you become with it. And believe it or not, it is actually possible to start liking it.

Best wishes, Annabelle

[Jorja]

Your guilt comes from social conditioning. You have spent a lifetime being taught and practicing those lessons. Men restrict emotions. They avoid anything feminine like the plague. They tend to focus on toughness and aggression to hide their real feelings. They must be self reliant, They make achievement their top priority, they objectify sex, and must be homophobic at all cost. They find that when they have successfully displayed all these characteristics, other men seem to welcome them into the club and hold them in high regard.

Now, you are doing the total opposite. Thus the guilt. Learn to relax and accept that it is ok to feel the things you are feeling. This is why so many men turn to crossdressing as an escape from everyday life. Enjoy it and to hell with the rest of the world.

[rachaelsloane]

There's never any guilt about dressing and/or going out. I don't know why I do it or really care that I do it, I just go with the flow and have a good time.
Who took my glass of wine?

[RebeccaLynne]

:yrtw:
Your guilt comes from social conditioning. You have spent a lifetime being taught and practicing those lessons. Men restrict emotions. They avoid anything feminine like the plague. They tend to focus on toughness and aggression to hide their real feelings. They must be self reliant, They make achievement their top priority, they objectify sex, and must be homophobic at all cost. They find that when they have successfully displayed all these characteristics, other men seem to welcome them into the club and hold them in high regard.

Jorja, congratulations. Your clear, concise, comprehensive, and completely coherent explanation of that which creates guilt on the part of males wishing to express their femininity is exquisitely profound... thank you!

[Jorja]

:yrtw:

Jorja, congratulations. Your clear, concise, comprehensive, and completely coherent explanation of that which creates guilt on the part of males wishing to express their femininity is exquisitely profound... thank you!

Thank you. Sometimes things just come out the way I intended. :)

[Gina Rose]

Yes, sometimes i do, but the feeling is starting to fade.

[Brittany CD]

I do feel guilty time to time, mainly because I know a lot of people wouldn't like me doing this. It's a bit of a conflict I have

[reb.femme]

I have been dressing up for years but keep getting these panic moments when I spend days regretting it.
.........Am I alone in this or does anybody else get these doubting feelings.

Hi Lucy,

I think, "je ne regrette rien" except for;

1. I regret I didn't dress fully earlier in life.
2. I wish I could afford to shop in Wallis in the UK more often.

Seriously, I did regret CDing when I was at the fetish stage earlier in my life, it just seemed so sordid I suppose. However, as time and acceptance of who or what I am dawned, I just enjoy being! I fully understand your guilt feelings but many here will also have felt this, it's just that old gits like me no longer worry. :battingeyelashes:

Reb

[DebbieL]

Hi
Hi Everybody. Is it just me or do any of you dress up feel great about it take photos of yourself and then a day later feel really guilty about it. I have been dressing up for years but keep getting these panic moments when I spend days regretting it.

This is actually more natural that we'd like to admit. In my own case, I started playing with girls starting about 2 years old, and it was just natural as we got into grade school for the girls to trade clothes with each other. It was only when one girl's mother came home and found me wearing a pretty dress, tights, and mary-jane shoes that she decided that this little 5 year old boy was a "disgusting pervert who should never be allowed to play with girls again", and made sure that her feelings were known to the principal, the PTA, and the faculty. By the time I got back to school a few days later, the teacher was telling me I couldn't play my friends (all girls) anymore, and that I had to play with the boys (dreaded enemy). The boys took great delight in having me join them, telling me to throw dirt clods at the boys across the yard - about 20 feet away. Suddenly, after we had all thrown a few clods at each other, the people on "my team" suddenly moved away from me, and the other team started throwing hard rocks the size of golf balls, quickly joined by the boys on both sides. Several rocks to the head, one cutting me just below the eye, left me crying and running to the teacher as the boys were chanting "sissy! sissy!...".

Previously, the boys had tried this taunt, and in class the teacher pointed out that "buddy" was a nice way to refer to someone as being like a brother, and "sissy" was a similar name for someone who is like your sister. As a result, the word had no power to upset me, until they added rocks and stones being thrown very accurately at my head. I had to ride the bus home, and when I got off, the boys started picking up sticks about the size of baseball bats and started beating me with them as I ran to my house, they followed me all the way up to the door.

I began to think "I can't be a girl anymore and I can't let them know that I'm a sissy". Not "I can't be a sissy anymore". In that moment, I literally had to split my personality into two. The girl was hidden, protected, safe, but couldn't play with her friends anymore because it was bad for boys to want to be like girls. The boy had no friends, hated boys, and couldn't let the girls know he wanted to play with him. He had no friends. I isolated so badly that I couldn't even read aloud in class anymore. I went from being an A student to a poor student barely making the effort to get C grades. My mom got my a library card and I started reading far above my grade level, but refused to read aloud. I knew math, but didn't want to share in class. I had to keep the most loving, caring, tender, and even successful part of my life a deep dark secret.

One night, when I couldn't sleep, I did the usual 5 year-old trick of making a monster out of something in the dirty clothes hamper, and so I got up, went to the hamper, to see what it really was. I started trying to empty out the over-stuffed hamper and found my mom's pretty church clothes. I tried on her girdle, stockings, bra, and slip. I liked the smell, the feel, and I kept remembering those wonderful times with my girl friends. I never wanted to take them off, but I knew I had to so I could go to sleep. I found it much easier to fall asleep after I had dressed. Soon, I was getting up in the middle of the night and getting all dressed up, sometimes for an hour or two. I heard my mom get up and locked the bathroom door - because I was afraid that if she saw me - she'd beat me up for being a sissy. After that, I would lock the door and get dressed up whenever I was feeling lonely or scared. Sometimes, I would even do it rather than watch television. But I was terrified that I would get caught and my mother or father would beat me up like the boys did.

One day, I had gone home and gone down the street, supposedly to play with a boy, but also with a girl who still liked me. She let me dress up, and her brother was even nice to me. We were playing with some kittens that were about 6 years old. Somebody said "A cat always lands on it's feet" - and we started throwing the kittens higher and higher to see if they really did always land on their feet. Eventually it became obvious that the kittens were hurt. The mother came home from work, saw me in the dress, and actually started to beat me, then stripped me, spanked me, then told me to get dressed and go home. When I got home, she called my dad - to tell her what I had done. He was so upset that he didn't even tell me what I had done wrong, grabbed me by both ankles and started spanking me harder than he ever had before. I was screaming as he slapped my back, my butt, my thighs, and even pounded into my back with his fists. I thought he was punishing me for wearing the dress. It was only AFTER the spanking that he explained that I had killed 4 of the cats (I got credit for all 4 even though the other kids were also doing it). I never knew whether he knew that I was dressed or not, but after that beating (the last one he ever gave me), I decided that I should NEVER let him find out that I was a "Sissy", because he might beat me like that again.

Even when my parents did find out, they gave me no support, and told me that I had to keep it a secret and couldn't tell ANYONE, especially my fundamentalist Christian grandfather. He had used a razor strap on my mother and she was afraid he might do even worse to me.


The main problem is I keep going back to it. When I am dressed I feel so great, and, dare I say it I think I look quite good but this head thing is really making it difficult.

Therein lies the paradox. When we are dressed, looking the way we REALLY want to look, dressed the way we want to dress, and truly being who we want to be, even if only in the privacy of our own home, but there is also that fear that if the wrong people discovered our desire to dress and act like women, to BE women, that something terrible would happen. Our parents might throw us out of the house. Our classmates might violently assault us, even severely enough to cause permanent disability. Our employers would fire us. Our wives would divorce us. Our children would not want to see us. We might not be allowed to see our grandchildren. We might not even be buried in a catholic or Jewish cemetery.

The guilt comes from protecting our "secret" at all costs. We often go to great lengths to keep our secret, living a fundamental LIE - denying to everyone, friends, family, wives, children, parents, and others who care about us who we are at the deepest and most fundamental level. And then, in the privacy of a locked room, we get dressed and try to imagine what it would be like to be accepted in this form we've come to love so much.


Am I alone in this or does anybody else get these doubting feelings.

Not alone at all. For me, the situation got so intense and the conflict got so intense that it lead to numerous suicide attempts, alcoholism, drug addition, even severe mental health issues. The really sad part was that when I actually did tell EACH of the therapists I was working with about being "a girl trapped in a boy's body" - they told me that I couldn't talk about that, because it wasn't going to happen. Often that would be enough to trigger yet another suicide attempt. I even got creative and tried to provoke others into killing me, especially when I was really intoxicated.

It was only when I started doing 12 step work that I was finally able to work up the courage to tell the girl who was living with me. When she said she was OK with it, I decided right then and there that I would marry her. When she started making it clear, shortly after the marriage, that she was NOT OK with it, I began to drift further and further away, spending more and more time at work, at 12 step meetings, and generally NOT at home with her. When the children were born, I would take the kids starting Friday night, and on Saturday, I'd make sure my wife could sleep in, we'd watch prerecorded video together (so the kids didn't have to get up at 6 AM to see their favorites), we'd go shopping or do something fun, then we'd come home about 3 PM and find out if mommy wanted to join us.

When I finally quit smoking, something she had asked me to do when she first found out about the dressing, I started buying street clothes, so I could go out dressed on Halloween. That was when my wife told me that I could either move to Colorado IMMEDIATELY, or I could come and visit the kids when it was convenient. I realized after the move, that she had been planning the divorce for a while, and the move to Colorado, where there was ONLY no-fault divorce, was so that she could get a quick and easy divorce.

The real freedom came when I realized that we were going to get divorced whether I liked it or not, regardless of what I did, and my new sponsor suggested that I start coming to 12 step meetings dressed as Debbie (finally gave the girl a name). I did lose my job, but soon found a new job, my wife had her affair and eventually had to divorce me so she could marry him. I never missed a child support payment (which made paying for transition impossible), and eventually started the steps toward transition, including electrolysis, waxing my face, and living all non-work hours as a woman. I soon met a woman, with a 2 year old child, who LOVED Debbie, and soon she had a girlfriend who liked both of us. I ended up coaching 4 women through labor, which gave me a new nickname as "The Fairy Godmother".

The freedom comes when you finally realize that you don't HAVE to keep Lucy or Debbie a secret. When I can let anyone know what I am, and how I got there, I can be free, whether I'm wearing the dress or not.


Lucy

Debbie / Rex

[Lucy Lou]

The guilty feelings have gone. So simple really. Many great comments and lots of support makes it so much easier to feel right about what I am. Lucy

[oliviall]

I don't feel guilty at all. I worry about being more isolated because of it and the lack of acceptance, that I may be harming myself in that way...

[Angela Campbell]

Debbie, your story sounds a lot like mine. I only wanted to play with the girls across the street from me. Barbies, dress up, paper dolls the works. I did that from about 3 years old until about the third grade. I never got in trouble for it but my older brother always called me a sissy for playing with dolls. One day they moved away and all that was left was the boys. They were mean to me and beat me. They called me names just because I didn't enjoy the boy games they played. I became a loner for a long while until the 70's came about the time I was a teenager. Suddenly it was ok to wear long hair, necklaces, bracelets....I was finally able to be a little like what I wanted to be but it might have been a bit late. Society had been able to convince me to act like a boy so I ended up getting married and having kids. All the while in secret I was dressing up when I could. The expectations of society are strong and I still have come out to only a few.

Your story is much sadder than mine but the progression is similar. I hope you can end up happy.

[MissTee]

I don't feel guilty at all. I CD because I enjoy it and it provides a relief valve for stress. I don't take pictures of me because it's not something I feel compelled to do. That said, I'm not "out" to the world, either.

[Celeste]

This site helped work me through the guilt I was feeling at first.It changed the way I feel about fear and possible lack of acceptance from others.I learned that my emotions don't have to be be extinguished by the way they think,nor do I need anyone's stamp of approval.I think being here was the key to learning that this is a journey and we grow with it,we arrive at a place finally where we accept ourselves and others inevitable disapproval.

[Tina B.]

Been there done that, spent years dressing, and suffering guilt for having done it. But then I also felt even more guilty when I didn't dress, because I became sullen, filled with rage and treated people like crap, and I didn't like me very much. So I started to enjoy my time dressed, I became a very contented person, and started treating family and friends much nicer, and became a better father, and husband, and less a sullen drunk. I learned to accept myself for who I am, and I have no guilt about who I am. I dress to fill a need, it makes me a better person, and it feels good, what is there to feel guilty about?
Tina B.

[JaytoJillian]

no more than I have guilty feelings about being right-handed

[jacques]

been there, done that, bought the ...

[ArleneRaquel]

No regrets oe second thoughts, dressing female is me and I'm proud.

[SandraV]

No regrets. It's simlply who I am.

[Dawn cd]

I never believed crossdressing was wrong or sinful—so I felt no guilt on that score. However I did feel my closeted crossdressing was deceitful in the sense that I was hiding myself from others. I was fooling with their perceptions, and it made me sad to fool my friends. I felt guilt from it. Now, while still somewhat closeted, I've discussed my crossdressing with my wife and I am more open in public with my androgynous style, so the guilt feelings have largely gone away.

[Victoriana]

Yes when I crossdress and afterwards yes for sure. Doesn't seem right sometimes. Maybe that is where the guilt comes from. Others say it is because you are denying yourself from acceptance of what you are...a crossdresser. Well, it goes both ways depending on the crossdresser. There is no rules or guidelines to any of this. For me its because I crossdress and feel I shouldn't. I don't know. I'm not. You are definitely not the only one that is for sure. :)

Victoriana :)