Nix CDing for SO

[Aloha Jayne]

Has anyone ever successfully given up CDing for their SO? Would you even be on this site if you have? I am trying for now because I have chosen to do so. Not sure how long I can stay in control. But I was wondering if anyone else has had any long term success in giving in to your SO's wishes and demands, and not gone crazy.

[AndreaSC]

Hello Jayne...after I told my SO that I dressed, I told her that I would quit...that was MANY years ago...I just COULDN'T do it!!!

[SnowPrincess]

Aloha Jane

This is a great thread. My wife of 35 years now claims that she can no longer deal with my cross dressing and I can not even underdress when she is awake. Although I have revealed my "needs" to my wife three months ago, she has vacillated from anger to acceptance to forebidance. I am still trying to find my own way but that journey has now halted so, like you, I am trying to deal with this and do not know where it will lead. Obviously you do not throw away 35 years of marriage. Since I can not discuss the cd issue with her, this is my only outlet. I will follow this thread and see how things play out.

[sandra-leigh]

There are a few members here who have managed to not actually put on the clothes for a number of years (6+ in some cases.) Some of them do not visit here often, but some of them hang out semi-regularly, dressing vicariously.

This is different from "the desire just went away". That happens to some people, sometimes for extended periods.

Of the people who gave it up "for a good reason", I don't recall hearing of any who stopped wanting to dress.

Mind you, somewhere around 15 months ago (I estimate), there was one former member (I think) who came back, to more or less taunt the members here, and to claim more or less that those people who had not been able to give up crossdressing just hadn't really tried. At the time, some of the other members pointed to wordings in the taunts that were suggestive that the troll probably had not stopped wanting to dress -- but we can't prove that at this remove.

[Eryn]

I'm sure that many men have successfully submerged their feelings and stopped CDing.

I very much doubt that they would remain on this forum, as that would be a bit like somebody on a diet hanging around an ice cream shop. Not healthy if you want to stay "on the wagon!"

[Cheryl T]

My wife "discovered" me about 25 years ago and I said that's it...I'm done...no more...
That lasted about 2 months till I was shopping for pantyhose again and bingo....there was another wardrobe and back into the buy/purge cycle again.
8 years ago I had enough and we talked about it again. I guess enough time had gone by and now she's very accepting and goes everywhere with me.

[Rogina B]

If it is truly"a part of you" than you won't be able to suppress it. You will be sneaking around on her,probably get caught,and it will really be a blow up.Seems to me that you had better have a long talk about all of it asap..

[WifeofWrenchette]

Probably not for a lifetime would be my best guess. I've poured through probably thousands of posts now and spoke to others off this forum. What I've found is that eventually the urge comes back, in some form. Either that or the person loses it. This is what is happening to a very close friend of mine right now. His wife is not willing or able to accept his gender variance and it's not turning out well at all. I'm not going to sugarcoat it, it can be life threatening at some point. Counseling is the best bet.

[STACY B]

I'm with the Rest ,,, If you find Some thing else to do you can Post pone or Delay or Deny or Refuse to do it . An in some cases the wife demanding you don't do it is BEST ,, An the worse thing an the Best thing you can do is accept it ,,Like they say once you let the Genie out of the Bottle there is NO putting her Back in !! An I did say HER !! So lifes like a Box of Chocolates ya never know what cha gonna get ,,, That one that you love or a Glob of Mixed up Goop ? Some love it ,, Some hate it ,, An some just let it be ,,, If you think YOU CAN do it is the Real Test ? I hope your the first success Story my friend ,,One things for sure if ya do we will never know ,,,Birds of a Feather remember . GOOD luck ,,,FRIEND .....>>>>>>>>>>>> 4 SOME OF US IT'S 2 late !!!

[Angela Campbell]

If your SO does not accept it and forbids it the damage is already done to the relationship. Her view of you is tainted and she will no longer think of you the same way. With some it will even become a wepeon for her to use against you. I have been married twice and I determined both times that they would not accept it in any way. I could tell easily. Just watch Jerry Springer with her and listen to her comments and watch her reactions. If it is disgust then I would not recommend telling her.Either way once the cat is out of the bag it is too late. If she finds it disgusting she has permanently changed her view of you. It is your choice to keep things secret but I have decided I will never again be in a relationship with someone who is not supportive.

[Erica2Sweet]

For many of us who have ventured too far down the rabbit hole, it is unhealthy from an emotional standpoint to not express our feminine side at least from time to time. Simply put, abstaining causes residual issues that impact our lives and relationships negatively. So, whether we express ourselves or not, our lives are still impacted. It's unavoidable.

Personally, I'm not willing to listen to my feminine side scream at me to acknowledge her existence in my life for the rest of my time on this planet. I rather enjoy my sanity.

[kristinacd55]

I can tell you this, you will resent and be angry with your SO for denying this part of you. The urge will be with you for the rest of your time on this little blue ball floating through the universe......best to communicate with her and try and set up boundaries where you can do this.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Jayne, You can run but you can't hide.

It's like the Mafia, you just can't quit.

[DanielleLee]

There are a few members here who have managed to not actually put on the clothes for a number of years (6+ in some cases.) Some of them do not visit here often, but some of them hang out semi-regularly, dressing vicariously.

This is different from "the desire just went away". That happens to some people, sometimes for extended periods.

Of the people who gave it up "for a good reason", I don't recall hearing of any who stopped wanting to dress.

Mind you, somewhere around 15 months ago (I estimate), there was one former member (I think) who came back, to more or less taunt the members here, and to claim more or less that those people who had not been able to give up crossdressing just hadn't really tried. At the time, some of the other members pointed to wordings in the taunts that were suggestive that the troll probably had not stopped wanting to dress -- but we can't prove that at this remove.

I've not crossdressed or underdressed for a little over two years. I choose not too, because that makes my spouse happy; and because I don't have to worry about getting caught and having my kids labled or picked on, because of their CDing Dad.

Sandra pretty much hit the nail on the head for me. Do I still desire to dress up? Yes. I know it won't go away, ever.. It's part of me. I know that. Some will say that I'm not living and denying myself. That's fine. I respect that opinion. For those that want to try... you can stop, but be realistic. This part of you will always be. You won't be able to change something that is part of your core being. :2c:

[Karren H]

I don't have any hard statistics .... but I'm thinking there has probably been a few but not breathing is so over rated.... so I've heard....

[NicoleScott]

To stop dressing and stop wanting to dress are very different.
I guess one could stop dressing, but at what cost to happiness and well-being?

[Allsteamedup]

Ralph, who was on here in 2009, gave up and offered good reasons for doing so. He had a young family and used family gatherings and school events to dress, his wife taking the children to those meetings. Some years had passed down the line when he woke up one day and realised he had not missed only his childrens' interaction with their cousins etc. but his own connection with the world was taking a serious hit, too.

My husband has had several periods of two years or more when work in particular and other events have made dressing impracticable.

There are lots of other ways to develop your feminine side other than dressing. Perhaps you could consider this? Also paying more attention to your bedroom activities and making your wife feel that she is the primary female in your relationship could take the sting out of this.

Any feelings of resentment will be entirely your own. You could take a look at your wife's health and see if she is suffering any hormonal disturbance which is undermining her confidence at present.

And ponder whether any 'pink fog' of your own has brought this about?

This does not mean that your wife will ban discussion of related issues. Just don't be down the Mall and ask her if the dress that woman over there is wearing would look good on you!

[Tina B.]

I have not dressed for years at a time, not because of any other reason that I got busy with life, and the desire just didn't come up. I've had this happen more than once in my life, but at some point it always seems to come back with a vengeance, and when it does, I always go off the deep end. Anytime I've tried to not dress for another, even thought the desire was still there, it never lasted long, I became a very miserable person, and took it out all around me. And always seemed to punish myself more than I took it out on others.
I'm sure people can and have given it up, but I would think it was tied to why you dress, I don't do it because it's fun or the clothes feel better, or any of the things people here will tell you they do it for, I do it because of a deep compulsion that seems to drive me over a cliff, and leaves me in a very dark place. If it wasn't for that, I wouldn't be a cross dresser. But I am, and I know who and what I am, and I will never even try to quit for anyone else again, after all, I have to live with me, even if no one else wanted to.
Tina B.

[sonna]

my ex had sooooo many feelings about it and not in the right order i finally for the
second time that i could not stop even thow i tryed. after that we fought about
every thing from chopsticks to cars and every thing inbetween. then we got divorced.

and go figure we get along better now then when we were married.

[Julie Denier]

I "gave up" dressing because my wife disapproves; she walked in on me unexpectedly while I was dressed one day. I put the dressing away to concentrate on being a better husband and father, things I truly was neglecting as I let the pink fog guide my actions. There were other non-dressing issues in play as well. But as said by others here, the urge really never goes away. I abstained for 15 months before dressing up again recently (and it was as wonderful as I remembered). I'll be satisfied with dressing only a couple times a year in secret if it's what I have to do to keep my family together.

[Aloha Jayne]

Thanks to all your insights. I did tell my wife about this after 23 years of marriage. And we did go see a therapist, that basically told us to communicate and compromise. That's what $1000 worth of therapy gets you. But I can tell after 6 months that this is something she is never going to be ok with. I know her pretty well. Right now we cannot discuss this. She gets very angry, and then I get angry. So we just don't talk about it. The only way we can be together is for me to just pretend I have forgotten about it. I would be very happy with DADT, but that isn't even a possiblity.

So it is naturally making me feel resentment towards her and of course a little lost. After 50 years of living with this, I finally know who I am, and cannot be that person because of my situation. It is my choice to not throw away my marriage, and I love her very much. But I know that if I was allowed some outlet, I would be much happier and a better husband, which is what she says she wants. But how long can I keep pretending that this doesn't matter?

[Kate Simmons]

I get what you are saying but the opposite is true for myself. My SO is okay with it and even wants me to CD and enjoys going out together but I, myself, want to be a man for her. That is my choice, however and is a long story.:)

[docrobbysherry]

Thanks to all your insights. I did tell my wife about this after 23 years of marriage. And we did go see a therapist, that basically told us to communicate and compromise. That's what $1000 worth of therapy gets you. But I can tell after 6 months that this is something she is never going to be ok with. I know her pretty well. Right now we cannot discuss this. She gets very angry, and then I get angry. So we just don't talk about it. The only way we can be together is for me to just pretend I have forgotten about it. I would be very happy with DADT, but that isn't even a possiblity.

So it is naturally making me feel resentment towards her and of course a little lost. After 50 years of living with this, I finally know who I am, and cannot be that person because of my situation. It is my choice to not throw away my marriage, and I love her very much. But I know that if I was allowed some outlet, I would be much happier and a better husband, which is what she says she wants. But how long can I keep pretending that this doesn't matter?
U haven't explained why DADT won't work for u, Jayne. So many here have written posts about their experiences with SO's using that method of dressing.

There IS a definite anti-social, isolating factor when u dress secretly and in private, tho. Many of my friends wonder where the H I've gone? And, neglecting family is another unfortunate side effect!

I wonder. Is there a 12 step program for CDs wanting to quit?

[Alice Torn]

From reading, and seeing documentaries, and movies about history, and seeing so many people who have overcome so much, I believe humans are or can be, extremely resilient, and can endure umimaginable pain, sorrow , and obstacles. just about anything is possible, but, and Cd can even be replaced by other more important things, at least for a while. The thoughts and pulls to do it may not completely go. Sometimes, we are just burned out, and tired, to do it for a while. There are many more constructive, helpful things for others, or animals , i could be doing.Cding becomes an obsession, and can quickly take over ones life. I only dressup completely only once or twice a month now. If I ever want a relationship with a GG, i have to face, that this part of me, may have to take a back burner. But, with my emotional disabilities, I may not ever be married. I know, that almost nothing is impossible, for you, but that does not mean you won't have pain. I miss playing sports, a lot. I grieve that .

[Stephanie47]

Jayne, I see you're 57. My slant on a long term marriage (mine 40+) is what else is happening in the marriage? What else have you given up? What do you have in common? I ask those because sometimes in order to placate the wife, we give up or give in many things before cross dressing becomes the last thing to relinquish. My cross dressing is encouraged to relieve stress. My wife is a DADT wife. I can live with DADT because my cross dressing is a private affair. I have looked back over the forty years and I see the scale totally dipped to her favor. Some of the chips on her side were easy to give up; the church we attended, etc. Some were difficult because the choice meant giving up a chance for a different career. So, if my wife went from DADT to purging my wardrobe, which is extensive but out of sight, I'd take a hike. At some point in life, whatever the issue in a marriage, a line must be drawn in the sand. Cross dressing for me at my age is the last private activity I truly enjoy. So, if my wife were to say it's me or the highway, what joy would I get living with her.

[Lady Panda]

I would be very happy with DADT, but that isn't even a possiblity.

So it is naturally making me feel resentment towards her and of course a little lost. After 50 years of living with this, I finally know who I am, and cannot be that person because of my situation. It is my choice to not throw away my marriage, and I love her very much. But I know that if I was allowed some outlet, I would be much happier and a better husband, which is what she says she wants. But how long can I keep pretending that this doesn't matter?

Hello Aloha Jane ,
i think she is being unreasonable......How would your SO feel if you demanded that she give up something that made her feel good inside ???? Tell her to give up shopping perhaps ...she would tell you to go to h*ll.

One thing I know CDers are born that way ...it is not a choice. It is intrinsically who you are. If you give up that vital part of yourself because they demand it eventually resentment will set in and it will fester. then you can begin to feel dead inside.

I know of many people who are in denial of themselves and they are in pain emotionally and that is not good.
perhaps down the road you can revisit the conversation and maybe come up with an amicable compromise.......maybe if she can come to some understanding with some facts about CDing ...she may come around and allow you to dress once in a while.

She is not doing what the therapist suggested ...she is not compromising at all ....she could at least give you some girl time as long as she doesnt have to see it or participate in it.

Hope things get better.....Hugs

[Thera Home]

Thanks to all your insights. I did tell my wife about this after 23 years of marriage. And we did go see a therapist, that basically told us to communicate and compromise. That's what $1000 worth of therapy gets you.

Can I be your Therapist?:heehee:
I promise it'll be a one time visit:D

These are my thoughts. My wife and family are most important than my desire. I haven't dressed for a long while either. I seem to get my fill while visiting the forum. It's a trickle charge to my "need" I guess. My wife's tolerance of my CDing moves between very minimal to non tolerance. I decided to not push the issue and Im happy with that. I thank GOD Im not all hard up for it. Own it and put your will power into action if needed. Later there will be some time for it and maybe not.

Put on you're big girl panties and handle it:heehee:

Thera

[Beverley Sims]

Giving up becomes a very big ask.
If you can do it power to you.
I seriously doubt it though.
Work at it though and one day you will have to be honest with both yourself and your SO.
There may be a compromise somewhere.

[NicoleScott]

I wonder. Is there a 12 step program for CDs wanting to quit?

Yes. After purging 12 times, you finally realize that quitting is hopeless, and after that you no longer want to quit.

I've been on step 3 for about 20 years.

[Desiree2bababe]

I suppose you could count me in those who have refrained due to marraige and children, although I doubt it's fair to use me as an example. I suppose if I could still squeeze into a size 12 dress, I'd be in drag quite often. Just never wanted my sexual deviations to influence my children's so I refrain. Now it's too late for this old hag. I still think about it everyday, though. And I'm still not crazy.

[Sandra]

I did tell my wife about this after 23 years of marriage. And we did go see a therapist, that basically told us to communicate and compromise. That's what $1000 worth of therapy gets you. But I can tell after 6 months that this is something she is never going to be ok with. I But how long can I keep pretending that this doesn't matter?

Ok after 23 years it would have been one hell of a shock for her. I do agree with communicating and compromise but both have to want to do that. Now you said after 6 months , that is not a long time for her to adjust, yeah I know some on here think that SO's should just take it all in and be ok with it all, well it don't work like that. It took me a couple of years to totally be ok with my SO.

Just remember that a lot of you have live with this most of your life....some SO's have only lived with it for a short time. One thing she does need to come to terms with is that it is a part of you and no matter long you give it up it will eventually rear it's head.

[Pexetta]

Put it this way, if people are succeeding in leaving it behind for good, they aren't coming back here to tell us so.

[AnitaH]

I guess it really depends on how deep and strong this crossdressing thing is in your life. I personally know one person that quit for 15 years because of family, but it still came back with a vengeance. You may give it up but it's doubtful that you will really ever completely forget it. At any rate, it's very likely suppressing it will only lead to other issues in your life. There's a reason why the suicide rate for transgendered individuals is said to be at 41%.

I wish you and your SO the best. It's a tough decision to make, not one to be made lightly.

AnitaH

[PretzelGirl]

Put me in the group that says there are some that can quit. Obviously the majority can't as it is a part of them. But it is presumptious to assume everyone does it for the same reason as ourselves. Nothing can be all inclusive and all crossdressers don't have this as part of their core. It just appears most do. :-). The biggest thing is to never fight yourself. You have to be yourself in life to be happy.

[Jenniferathome]

Jayne, while you can stop dressing, that does not stop you from being a cross dresser.

Rather than the black and white approach, have you discussed with your wife the possibility of dressing when she is not around? If yes, and this was the ourcome of that conversation, you need to ask yourself what will happen if you make this promise and then slip? What will she do?

[Aloha Jayne]

Jayne, while you can stop dressing, that does not stop you from being a cross dresser.

Rather than the black and white approach, have you discussed with your wife the possibility of dressing when she is not around? If yes, and this was the ourcome of that conversation, you need to ask yourself what will happen if you make this promise and then slip? What will she do?

I know I will always be a crossdresser, whether I crossdress or not. A non-crossdressing crossdresser. But yes, we have discussed DADT when she isn't around. And I would be perfectly content with that arrangement. But she is afraid to leave the house now because of what is going on in her head, thinking about what I might be doing. (nothing at all for the last 8 months). It is irrational fear on her part, but that is who she is. That may change a few years from now, but I can already tell there will never be a time when she can accept this as long as she doesn't know. Which means I have to decide to give it up if I want her to be happy.

Thanks to everyone for your input.

[NicoleScott]

......I have to decide to give it up if I want her to be happy.

Or she can decide to accept your dressing if she wants you to be happy.
Why does it have to be all or nothing? Negotiate some middle ground.

[DanielleLee]

Aloha Jayne,
I, like you, consider myself to be a non-crossdressing crossdresser. I choose to stop the activity. I did that for my wife and my children. As Nicole suggested above... there should be middle ground. Sometimes there is, sometimes there is not. Some women are not built to compromise on this subject... it doesn't make them bad wives, it's just part of who THEY are.
However, I truly believe that all people change over time. Nobody is the same person they were 10 years ago. We evolve and grow based on life experiences. Our view of ourselves and our wives' views of us as crossdressers can't help but to evolve... so never say never, as things may change and there may be compromise down the road. Do what you think is right for YOU and for YOUR family.

[Tracii G]

My question is why does she oppose you being happy? Happiness goes both ways doesn't it?
She seems self centered or maybe doesn't really understand what CDing really is.She may think its a sexual fetish or if you CD it means you are gay or a sexual deviant/pervert in some way.
If she is a very religious person I could see that playing a huge part in her views.
She needs to read and educate herself IMO.
What would I do? I would have a down to earth talk and be very firm as a man should be (sounds like that is what she wants in a man) and say look this is who I am its a part of me.
You have your things you enjoy and I don't complain why do you feel my happiness does not matter?
You are causing the problem not me.

[Tracii G]

Just to add my two ex's had no idea of my dressing and I only did randomly.
I had issues with my gender identity but kept to myself.
Both my wives were very much like yours to be honest it was all about them and what they wanted never what I wanted.
If I wanted to go hunting it was always we need to do this or that and hunting or free time for myself was never important EVER.
I know what you are going thru and yes resentment will rear its ugly head trust me.
I still talk to my first wife when I see her but am very cold towards her and that seems to hurt her inside which is why I do that.
My second ex knows I dress now and she is fine with it and realizes its a part of me.

[Foxglove]

I myself gave it up for many years--for what I thought was a good reason: for my son. I eventually realized I didn't do it for his sake. It was just a good excuse to go into denial. I could easily have arranged my life differently if I'd wanted to. But guilt and shame are lovely things, aren't they?

Those years I gave it up I now regard as wasted years. I wish I could have them back. A huge black hole in my life.


. . . I have decided I will never again be in a relationship with someone who is not supportive.

Ditto. If someone wanted me without my TGism, then she wouldn't have me and neither would I. I have to have myself. If nobody else wants me, so be it. But I can't do without myself.

Good luck, Aloha Jayne.

Annabelle

[sandra-leigh]

But she is afraid to leave the house now because of what is going on in her head, thinking about what I might be doing. (nothing at all for the last 8 months). It is irrational fear on her part, but that is who she is. That may change a few years from now, but I can already tell there will never be a time when she can accept this as long as she doesn't know. Which means I have to decide to give it up if I want her to be happy.

But if you really truly give it up and not even want to cross-dress, she would still have her irrational fear, because you will not be able to prove to her emotions that you will never again cross-dress. You can't prove a negative, except by being physically incapable of it. So if you really "want your wife to be happy" without her making steps to conquer her fear, then you had better schedule yourself for an operation to become a quadruple amputee or quadraplegic and arrange for her to be the only possible person to dress you afterwards (so you don't talk a care worker or nurse into dressing you while your wife is away for a few minutes.)

In your situation, it isn't enough to stop crossdressing (the action), or even to stop being a crossdresser inside yourself (and "reparative therapy", even with shock aversion therapy, has had almost no long-term successes): you must do whatever it takes to conquer your wife's fear. So ask her what it would take her to get over those fears (e.g., complete lobotomy for you?), and make a decision based upon the acceptability of those approaches. You are in Texas, so it should be possible to find a doctor willing to give you a lethal injection if that's what it will take for your wife to get over her fears.

[NicoleScott]

Good point, Sandra-leigh, that you can't really prove you don't want to dress any more. Sometimes the only soultion is a wife-ectomy.

[SnowPrincess]

Jayne,

My wife of 35 years just gave me the same ultimatum even though she has never seen me dressed. Like your wife, not compromise possible! I do not know what I will do because she says if she leaves, she will tell our children. Needless to say, the resentment is building. My CD desires are not normal and not acceptable.

[Tiffany35]

I had a very traumatic childhood to the point i was beat with a leather belt from the back of by knees to just below my shoulder blades and in front as well for being caught in my mothers underwear and bra at about 12 or 13 years old, that experience has kept me in the closet until i met my wife who is the greatest woman in the world and is suportive as well. but before her i would dress while single and purge while in a relationship i am now 36 and i believe baring a fall out with my wife dressing for me is here to stay! now if i can just get the child safty knob off the door handle i'll be in good shape but for now i am happily partially closeted.