Mixed emotions

[jaye_cd]

A really close friend of mine got engaged this past week. I’ve been so happy for him! He asked me to be his best ‘girl’. (i.e. He wants me to be his best man, but he wants me dressed up similar to the brides’ maids). At first, I was ecstatic at the thought of being able to wear such a lovely formal gown! Then reality sunk in. I would be my femme self in front of people I’m not sure I’d feel 100% comfortable being dressed around yet. I've been out in public lots and never really worried about it since the chance of bumping into someone I knew that didn't already know about me was very slim. But this would be in a very intimate gathering where my friends families will be at, and I don’t want to cause a scene for him and his bride (she knows about me too and is cool with it). He’s very intent on me being there as Jaye, but I have some reservations about going through with it. I'm leaning towards doing. Should I?

[Kate Simmons]

My personal opinion? If the Bride and Groom are okay with it, the guests would be the least of my worries.:)

[Maria in heels]

Jaye....I think that you should do it. Your friend is taking everything that he knows about you, and wants you to be just you...think about it. He knows you also as Jaye, and wants Jaye to share in his highlight of his life as yourself. It make take a lot of courage on your part, but it is a very touching and lovely thing that he has done, along with his fiancé. Really think about it, and talk it over with yourself ... it is very touching that he recognizes you as who you are.

[suit]

I think its really cool , just dont take any lime light away from the wedding, if you can do that...go for it !

[BLUE ORCHID]

I think its really cool , just dont take any lime light away from the wedding, if you can do that...go for it !

That was my thoughts too you could upstage the bride.

[Sara Jessica]

Notwithstanding the "out" factor (that is for you to get your head around), I would think that being on the bride's side of the aisle would be less of a distraction, if being Jaye is a distraction at all.

One idea comes to mind. How would you feel about being the best man at the ceremony, as in presenting as a male, and then changing out for the reception? Maybe coordinate with whoever is doing hair and makeup for the bridal party to assist with your transformation. Might be a rotten idea but it's a thought to consider. Either way, you have quite the opportunity to consider and you should feel blessed to have such dear and accepting friends.

[monalisa]

Why not ask if you could be a bridesmaid instead. Just think how many professional pictures you will be in. Make sure you go with the bridesmaids for the manicure, pedicure and makeover too. Maybe they will let you go to the batchlorette party.

[ChelseaErtel]

Tough question. But my initial gut feeling it to dress as a man. My reasoning is that it is "their" wedding day and all the focus needs to be on them. Wouldn't it be great if you didn't even need or think to ask your question?

That's my initial assessment not knowing the bride and groom. I would go out with them both and talk it over.

Now I'm new to this forum, but it would seem that if you are a CD, and not transitioning (and maybe there isn't really a difference) and dressing as a bridesmaid will be for your well being and enjoyment than perhaps spending the wedding focusing on the bride and groom as a man would be a way to give something back to them and dismiss the desire to wears that gown.

Alternatively if you are most comfortable with being en femme and that is who you are then just discuss it with the bride and groom to be sure they know that you could be a distraction. They know the guests and I'm sure they would appreciate you discussing their big day with them and your concern about detracting from their wedding.

Sorry, probably rambling, but there are a few consideration in your decision and only you, the bride and groom and figure this out.

Good luck and enjoy the day.

Chelsea

[Megan Briana]

Tough question...

That's my initial assessment not knowing the bride and groom. I would go out with them both and talk it over.

Chelsea

IMHO this the way to go, regardless of whichever you choose. Discuss it with bride and groom. And as we ALL know, the bride needs to be OK with everything. And if the groom is as close a friend ( i assume as much if he is asking you to be best gal) he would want you to talk to him and them about this. :)

Good luck!

[EllenJo]

Do whatever the Bride and Groom want you to do. However with that said I would really sit down with the Bride and have a deep discussion. As we all know it is the "Brides" wedding more so than the groom's. A CD best gal on the groom's side could upstage the bride and I think she would really appreciate it if you went to her and had a real heart to heart. If it is absolutely what she wants, then go for it.

[Beverley Sims]

If you really look good dressed, go for it.
On the other side, relatives on your side, don't upstage the bride and have plenty of dialogue with the bride and groom before you do it.
It can be ver successful as soon as the word gets around tth guests will all look out for you.
Being there does not necessarily take attention away from the bride, but it does spread the attention around.

[Mollyanne]

WOW, that's a tough one alright. Personally I REALLY wouldn't know what to do. Being older (ugh) I think I would opt to be in "boy" mode if for any other reason not to cause any kind of stir or talk during or after the reception. Of course the final decision is yours. BTW, your avatar picture is beautiful.

Molly

[Sheren Kelly]

Have you asked why he is so intent on you being Jaye? Is he trying to make a statement to others and are you OK with being part of it? If he knows you in either gender, I would think it better for the ceremony (at least) to be in conventional gender. If he only knows you as Jaye, then that is another matter.
As others have pointed out, this day should focus on the couple, particularly the bride, so make sure she is 100% onboard withthe plan.

[mywifesdaisy]

if i was comfortable enough to step into the world and give it my all and all knew what i do then i would absolutely do it when might you ever have the chance to do something like it again

[KellyG]

Jaye, this is amazing!

You've said that he's very intent on you going there as Jaye and you've said that she's cool with it. So although I agree that you MUST double check with them, I think we're past that point already.

This is historic because he has created a new role for the occasion, but it makes perfect sense. Do it well, so future weddings can use your example.

Now, on to your first concern. You've been en femme anonymously, but this is different. You really would be coming out! Only you can decide about that. I say go for it, but that's easy for me to say because I'm not in your heels. My guess is, once you're there, you'll feel a deep sense of inner peace and strength as your authentic self.

Your other concern is about causing a scene for your friend and his bride. I think the truth is, your presence as "best woman" could be distracting to some. Let's be honest here--in a sense, the event will sort of double as their wedding and your coming-out ceremony. If this is really what they want (and again you MUST double-check), I think there is a way to deal with the issue by facing it head-on. Here is my suggestion: Do the manicures, pedicures and hair with the bridesmaids, but do not stand on their side and do not wear the bridesmaids' dress. Find an outfit that would look fabulous among the groom's men (such as the black dress in your avatar picture). Remember, you are not a bridesmaid, you are the best woman! Make sure that all printed materials and spoken words reflect that title, so in the program it should actually say "best girl", or "best woman" or whatever (I think "best woman" sounds better and is more appropriate). And if the minister (or priest, or whatever) says something like, "best man, you may hand the ring to the groom now", those words should be changed as well. The bottom line is: IF the bride and groom are really down with this, then do it right, own it, and make it a historic wedding. In this way it will not be a distraction--it will be a confirmation of how cool they are.

[STACY B]

Chicken ,,,, Here chicky .... Chicky,,,,,,,, Go ahead ,,,, Why would you care ? They asked ,,, OHHHHHHHHH YEA ,,,Just try an talk yourself out of it ,,,, You better do it ,,Yull regret it if ya don't !!! Just think about it ,,,Nice new dress an all the trimmings ? You would have givin your right arm for this chance before ? Now look at cha ,,, Scared ,,,, You go swimming as a girl ,,, Might as well be in the Wedding ?

[Foxglove]

I would think it better for the ceremony (at least) to be in conventional gender.

This was my first thought. Then I asked myself, Why?

Consider this scenario: Jack and Jill are getting married, and Jack's trying to decide who he wants as his best man. He realizes who his best friend is: Katie. They grew up on the same street. They've known each other since they were kids. Played together when they were little, helped each other out with their homework when they were older, counselled each other when they had bad moments. Sure they dated a few times when they were in high school, but there was never anything serious there. They were always friends, never romantically interested in each other.

So Jack decides he wants a "best woman". He explains to Jill and she's cool with it. And when the guests arrive and they see a young woman in a bridesmaid's dress on the groom's side of the aisle and they get an explanation of the situation, in this year 2012 is it really going to raise any eyebrows or cause any upset? Maybe some people would find it touching. I would. And similarly if Jill wanted a "bride's man" among her "bride's maids", would it cause any scandal?

So those of us who are so gender non-conforming, are we going to see anything wrong with a gender non-conforming wedding? Jaye, I think if the bride and groom are cool with it, then decide for yourself whether you're cool with it. The hell with gender conformity, right?

Best wishes, Annabelle

[Cheryl T]

Tell him of your trepidation and talk about it.
If they are fully accepting and want you there and you are comfortable in public, then don't pass the opportunity to live a dream.

[Karren H]

Personally since its the bride and grooms day..... I wouldn't want to do or wear anything that took away from them being in the spotlight..... whether they mind or not...... same reason women guests never wear white at a wedding.....

[JenniferUK]

Jaye....I think that you should do it. Your friend is taking everything that he knows about you, and wants you to be just you...think about it. He knows you also as Jaye, and wants Jaye to share in his highlight of his life as yourself. It make take a lot of courage on your part, but it is a very touching and lovely thing that he has done, along with his fiancé. Really think about it, and talk it over with yourself ... it is very touching that he recognizes you as who you are.

Couldn't agree more. This is their special day and they want you to feel special too. I wish I had amazing friends like that.

Go and enjoy yourself and don't bother what the other guests think.

Hugs

J

[PretzelGirl]

First off, being on the bride's side is out. That is for her best friends and not his.

You really don't say if you are out to everyone, you just say you get out a lot. So that leaves two parts of this. One is a possible coming out to one or more people and the other is being the center of attention for some instead of the couple, in particular the bride.

I would say no and give him some big thanks for his support. Depending on the bride's opinion, maybe the three of you can have a dinner out in the week leading up to the wedding instead. Leave the wedding to the couple would be my advice.

[Stephanie47]

I see two issues here, even though the bride and groom may want you to be en femme and in the wedding party.

First, if you're concerned about your privacy, i.e., letting whoever you choose to know of your feminine personna, then you should reconsider. With social media (Facebook, et al), you may find Jaye announced to the world. Are you ready for that possibility?

Secondly, will you upstage the bride and take away from their day? Even though the bride and groom may want you to be en femme, what about the visual picture of you as relates to the guests. I think it would be only natural for the guests to watch you and make a little buzz about you. It may be all positive, but, it is still a buzz. I attended a wedding of daughter of a really good friend. Her male cousin, who is gay, showed up in a tailor made suit. It was cream colored. It had dainty little roses in the pattern. The trousers were knee length. He totally upstaged the bride. There were any real negative comments about his sexuality since all knew he was gay. However, everyone, and I mean everyone, thought he was out of place appearing as such.

I would decline.

[Jessica Keys]

Well, what luck as tonight (Sunday) on the Hall Mark channel (185) if you have cable or Dish is a movie called the "Undercover Bridesmaid" at 8PM.
Good luck

[docrobbysherry]

U and everyone else in the Wedding Party may regret it forever!:Angry3:

Of course, it COULD turn out ok. But, what r the odds? It also could be an enormous disaster!:doh:

How many weddings have u been to, Jaye? I've been to zillians of my friend's and relative's when I was younger. And, my daughter's and many of my friends kid's weddings later on in life. At the receptions the guys drink, dance, and have a ball. For many of the women, it's all about who's with who. Who's next. And, how so and so is acting and is dressed!

Even if the bride is ok with u going dressed she MAY CHANGE HER MIND! And, my guess is even if she doesn't, u may piss off an important family member or one of her life long girl friends in the Wedding Party!

If you're determined to have Jaye show up, wait until the reception is in full swing. Then, with the help of one of the GGs, become Jaye and rejoin the party. That kind of low profile shouldn't ruffle any feathers and some folks won't notice! Those that don't want to, in particular!

A wedding is about THE STUNNING, BLUSHING BRIDE! Not about the groom's pretty CD friend!

[KylieA]

It was easy to google on the web for examples of "Best Women":

In this first example the "Best Woman" wears the same dress as the bridesmaids:
http://bridalmusings.com/2012/10/sweet-and-colourful-eco-chic-farm-wedding-brett-and-jessica-photography/

In this second example a smart LBD, I guess it is the same as the bridesmaids, but there is also a bridesman:
http://www.flickriver.com/photos/xstarsprinklesx/4205878594/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/xstarsprinklesx/4205124791/in/set-72157622955872531

The question of what to wear is still open for debate. This person is asking about what should the "Best woman" and the "Man of Honor" wear:
http://www.weddingbycolor.com/chelsea11/milestones/143305

I say go for it. Both "Best Women" and the "Men of Honor" seem well accepted. Being cross dressed/trans is just a minor step further.

As for what to wear, I lean towards the same style dress as the bridesmaid, but in the groomsmen color. It has a certain symmetry. It might be hard to match. Black Tux's and a black "Best Women" dress might be the easiest to match.

Kylie

[Kayla C]

I'm with Karren on this...
It's wonderful that your friend cares for you so much and is so incredibly supportive, but this is the bride's day and anything that might take away from her should be avoided.

Kayla C

[Persephone]

Purely my own thoughts so a grain of salt may be required on your part.

First, you have wonderful friends! Treasure them! It does sound like they have made their wishes clear. But you have to think through the implications for you.

Second, the idea of a "Best Woman," of a female "Groomswoman," of a "Man of Honor," and of a male "Bridesman" is becomming accepted at Weddings.

Third, it is always impossible to really tell from an online forum, but you look very pretty and passable in your posted photos and seem to have the confidence and mannerisms that would allow you to "fit in" to such circumstances, but only you can decided.

Fourth, personally, although I completely understand that those who suggest it see it in a different light than I do, under no circumstances would I "switch" at the Wedding and reception as some have suggested. I believe that would be a serious "upstage" that could only be seen as some sort of weird cry for attention.

Fifth, the major consideration would appear to be the permanence of being "out" as a result. As Stephanie pointed out, the pictures and social media posts will be permanent. Only you can decide about that.

Should you decide, I would remain on the Groom's side as you have been asked to do, fulfilling the role of "Best Woman" as completely as possible. And by the way, that usually means you have responsibilities before and after the Wedding as well, arranging his bachelor party comes to mind. You can probably find guidance online if you don't already know the expectations of the role.

As to clothing choice, you have some latitude. The "Best Man/Woman" and the "Maid/Matron/Man of Honor" usually wear something a bit different from the other Bridespeople and the Groomspeople. If you are standing for the Groom, I would wear an appropriate dress consistent with the style and colors he has chosen for the Groomspeople, even if that color differs from what the Bride's party is wearing.

Only you can decide what to do and how to best honor your friend's on their special day as well as to have a day that you too will remember for a long time to come.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[Eryn]

I have very mixed feelings about this. While in an ideal world it would be a dream come true, a wedding is truly the bride's day and everything else should support that.

One alteration from the norm isn't much of a problem. A bridesman or groomswoman will be accepted if the bride and groom truly want them. The difference will be noticed, but attention will soon return to the bride, where it belongs.

The same would follow for a CDer as a bridesmaid or groomsman. Dressed appropriately for the side of the party that they are on, they might be noted, but attention would again return to the bride.

I'm not so sure that a "double twist" such as a male dressed en femme on the groom's side would be as acceptable. People would go , "Who is that woman on the groom's side?" and if you are made the attention won't go back to the bride. You'll be the person on the minds of the audience for the entire ceremony, and this isn't a good thing.

My first piece of advice is to make sure that whatever you do is acceptable to the bride. She's the Head Woman In Charge and it is Her Day, Period. Second, don't let their loyalty to you spoil their wedding. If they want to do something unusual, fine, but if they're doing this just to fulfill your dream then they're doing it for the wrong reasons.

Others have given good suggestions. Being a bridesmaid, dressing in drab to be a groomsman and en femme for the reception, or attending the wedding en femme but not being part of the wedding party are all viable alternatives with less impact on the Bride's day.

Whatever you and the bride decide, have a wonderful time. That will be your best present to the bride and groom.

[Lorileah]

All legitimate concerns. And I have wrestled with similar thoughts (no wedding...I don't do weddings...at my age funerals are more common and I avoid them too). But i did attend an ordination of a clergy member last week and I was not the only TG person there. The congregation didn't mind.


The two main concerns. It is the bride's day and if she is good with it, then no problem. It will be something everyone will remember forever. The other is that you will be out then. Forever. In my case that would be a non-issue. I am slowly getting to be out all the time.

Ifthe bride and groom want you there, and you want to be there, then go, have fun

[famousunknown]

Unless you're 110% passable, I would say don't do it. Just my opinion.

[Rogina B]

It isn't everyday that we get to "solve" such a problem on here as it is complex....If Jaye hasn't already been to bed with your "close friend" to validate herself,she may as well "just do it"..Because there will be many at the wedding and others that will think the relationship you have is FWB...after all,he wanted the feminine you to be at his side on this big day. And,all it takes is some PMSing bridesmaid to feel that she gave her best "only" to participate in a sham ceremony to really stir the -hit pot. Not to say that the financier of the event may feel that way as well...But,if you can handle being on "prime time" with plenty of "papparatzi and pundits" GO FOR IT!!!! But tell us the whole story afterwards....lol

[jaye_cd]

Thank you all for the comments, there was such an overwhelming response! While as wonderful at it sounds, I truly do not want to be a major point of conversation (or worse, a source of gossip and rumors as some have mentioned) and take away from the bride and groom's special day.

[Rogina B]

Good choice!! BUT now you need to prepare for all those envious and jealous feelings you will be having as you are around all those girls prettied up. I personally find that hard to cope with...just me..right?