Julie
11-24-2005, 12:23 PM
I had no idea that the Wednesday before Thanksgiving was called 'Black Wednesday' because it was touted to be the second biggest celebration next to New Year's Eve until a few days ago. I was invited to a party then and I was told it was a 'Black Wednesday' party. I didn't get it.
I found out they were serious when I started getting phone calls yesterday asking if I was going out. When I said I was staying in you would have thought I was committing some sort of sin. So I decided to see what this was all about and ventured out last evening.
I went to Escapades even though it was early because I wasn't in the mood to bar hop. When I walked in Dawn and Kathy were there and so was Laura but the place was still pretty empty. Well it didn't take long and before I knew it the place was packed. There was a lot of people I knew but getting to them was another thing. I was trying to say hi to some friends but there were so many people in the way I stopped. There were two girls there and we talked for a bit. In my sarcastic tone I told them they had better be careful because there were men dressed as women here. I got some smiles for that and I heard one of the girls tell her friend I was 'cool' COOL! But the place was a zoo and I couldn't hear much else of what they said and finally found safe harbor with Dawn and Kathy.
Then all of the sudden I realized I was the only TG in the bar! This place was packed wall to wall and there wasn't even one other TG there! So I started pointing this out to the people around me. But they acted like they didn't get it. "So what? Who cares? What's the big deal?" They didn't see me any differently than anyone else.
I even joked trying to elicit some comment but no one bit. They didn't see what the big deal was. Suddenly I found myself shocked. I've never paid attention to this before. I'm almost always the only TG there but this was the first time I actually looked around and took notice. But what I realized last night was everyone saw me as just one of them. I wasn't some sort of novelty. I was just Julie. In fact one girl told me when she saw me in guy mode on Halloween (I was a vampire) she didn't like it. "That wasn't you. You're Julie, not some guy." That they see me as Julie and not as a guy dressed as a woman is hard to fathom. I should just stop analyzing and just be grateful...
After I got home Dawn called and we talked until past sunrise. I've lost a lot of people in my life since being outed but I've gained some new friends along the way. Dawn has proven to be one of the good ones. I'm grateful for that. And now I can add Kathy to that list. What blew me away was how easily she accepted me. In a lot of ways I am very fortunate. I need to remember that when other things get me down.
This past week has been a real eye-opener for me. I now realize I've taken the path I have avoided for so long, fearful of the consequences, and it's not filled with all the pain and isolation I thought it would be. Yes, I lost along the way but I've gained too. And the people who know me now know all of me. When I think back on how I was, fearful of people finding about Julie, I'm so thankful I no longer have to hide a very important part of myself. Now I can be me.
What I can't leave out is how instrumental this forum has been to me along the way. This is where I got the strength to go to the Be-All convention last year. This is where I met Jacki. Jacki is the one who took me places I never would have otherwise gone. And that led to where I am today. Not bad.
I found out they were serious when I started getting phone calls yesterday asking if I was going out. When I said I was staying in you would have thought I was committing some sort of sin. So I decided to see what this was all about and ventured out last evening.
I went to Escapades even though it was early because I wasn't in the mood to bar hop. When I walked in Dawn and Kathy were there and so was Laura but the place was still pretty empty. Well it didn't take long and before I knew it the place was packed. There was a lot of people I knew but getting to them was another thing. I was trying to say hi to some friends but there were so many people in the way I stopped. There were two girls there and we talked for a bit. In my sarcastic tone I told them they had better be careful because there were men dressed as women here. I got some smiles for that and I heard one of the girls tell her friend I was 'cool' COOL! But the place was a zoo and I couldn't hear much else of what they said and finally found safe harbor with Dawn and Kathy.
Then all of the sudden I realized I was the only TG in the bar! This place was packed wall to wall and there wasn't even one other TG there! So I started pointing this out to the people around me. But they acted like they didn't get it. "So what? Who cares? What's the big deal?" They didn't see me any differently than anyone else.
I even joked trying to elicit some comment but no one bit. They didn't see what the big deal was. Suddenly I found myself shocked. I've never paid attention to this before. I'm almost always the only TG there but this was the first time I actually looked around and took notice. But what I realized last night was everyone saw me as just one of them. I wasn't some sort of novelty. I was just Julie. In fact one girl told me when she saw me in guy mode on Halloween (I was a vampire) she didn't like it. "That wasn't you. You're Julie, not some guy." That they see me as Julie and not as a guy dressed as a woman is hard to fathom. I should just stop analyzing and just be grateful...
After I got home Dawn called and we talked until past sunrise. I've lost a lot of people in my life since being outed but I've gained some new friends along the way. Dawn has proven to be one of the good ones. I'm grateful for that. And now I can add Kathy to that list. What blew me away was how easily she accepted me. In a lot of ways I am very fortunate. I need to remember that when other things get me down.
This past week has been a real eye-opener for me. I now realize I've taken the path I have avoided for so long, fearful of the consequences, and it's not filled with all the pain and isolation I thought it would be. Yes, I lost along the way but I've gained too. And the people who know me now know all of me. When I think back on how I was, fearful of people finding about Julie, I'm so thankful I no longer have to hide a very important part of myself. Now I can be me.
What I can't leave out is how instrumental this forum has been to me along the way. This is where I got the strength to go to the Be-All convention last year. This is where I met Jacki. Jacki is the one who took me places I never would have otherwise gone. And that led to where I am today. Not bad.