I feel like a prisoner...

[patti1569]

I moved into a new house about 6 months ago and really love it. The problem is that when I was in my apartment, it was much easier to go out dressed. Partially because I knew I’d be moving and didn’t care what the other tenets thought of me. So that being said I kinda got used to going out. Even if it was just for a little drive. At my new place I figure that I would settle in and see how things were, then figure out my plan for going out. The problem is that I now live in a row home on a busy, well lit street. Not really a problem, but I’ve gotten to know a few of the neighbors really well and like them a lot. The truth is, this is a blue collar working class neighborhood and people aren’t all that tolerant. My next door neighbor is super cool and I get along with him and his wife really well. He is a total guys guy and I’m not sure how he would react to knowing about me. He also is known as the “mayor” of the block because he knows everything that goes on. I have heard him make some insensitive things about other cultures who live on the block which makes me think he would not be all that tolerant of me, but he and his wife are sooo nice I’m not so sure. I’m so worried about how it would affect our relationship that I’m a complete prisoner in my house.

This leads to the bigger issue that I’m a prisoner in myself. I feel like I’m not being true to myself by not being “out”. I’ve still told no one, even though I was out’ed by my ex-wife to her family. I swore that I would tell my sister (only living family that I have) before she finds out “through the grape vine”. I know that’s a big jump from not being able to leave my house but the truth is, I feel like if I’m going to be able to go out without fear, my neighbors are going to find out one way or the other and my sister really has the right to hear it from me. Just feeling really trapped.

Please let me know what you think. It’s killing me. I’ve come so far and really NEED to get out, and maybe BE out. Any ideas how to approach this situation? Thanks for any advice, xx Patti.

[bridget thronton]

Your sister will probably appreciate hearing it from you - I you are close to her she will likely be okay with thevnews

[Tracii G]

Tell her and have her come visit and go out together maybe.
Once you tell her how you feel and if she accepts the news tell her how trapped you feel that may get her to visit.
She may think of it as an adventure in to something new.

[Mythic]

On the subject with dealing with the neighbors. I would just go out dressed how I am. My neighbors nomatter how friendly have no influence on my decisions. But thet's easy for me to say since I've lived in neighborhoods where you just kept to yourself and did not mingle with one another.

[Emily]

I personally haven't tried it, and quite frankly I'm in a worse situation than you in that I can barely CD at all except late at night, but in your situation if you have to I'd suggest maybe going somewhere with your clothing and then changing there and then going out, changing back into your normal clothes while out and then coming back home. Again, I haven't tried it and am currently trying to get to the position that you have right now, but it's just a suggestion from someone really down the line in the female/prisoner type of line.

[Erica Marie]

Patti I feel your pain. So far I have only been out twice and have been yearning for more. I am dying to find some friends that I can be able to be myself around. To be able to get dressed and head out for a night of fun.
The only person I ever came out to was my ex gf and at first she acted very accepting then used it as an excuse that it was "too much" for her. It was a good excuse for her to leave for someone else. Made me gun shy about telling any one else. As far as a prisoner. I have my own home but have my children here so I too dont have the privacy to be me. Same with neighbors, just not sure if I want them knowing. Being from a small conservative town, not too many people have an open enough mind to accept people for who they are.
I guess the only advice I have is if you can afford a hotel room once every few weeks its a good way for you to get dressed as Patti and head out on the town. Spend the day being who you want and after you can head home.

[Kate Simmons]

As much as you say you love your new place, you hate your situation. Sounds like to be happy, you will need to change conditions. This may include finding a new place where you have more freedom. You have to decide if your needs out weigh the current situation.:)

[Trish]

I know the feeling, Patti. I live on a dead end street and I am a half mile from the intersection. My car stands out, (Red Corvette) and when I pass a neighbor on the road, they want to stop and talk. That has really cut into my going out dressed.

[JamieQ]

Break out! I know it is not that easy but overall it might be best to relieve tension...but the those good neighbours. Fortunately I live on a dead end street with a field behind me, but a new neighbour on the other side has cut a path thru it and now a bunch of kids walk run the path and come real close to my back yard.

Other than that there are two houses empty on the other side of the street but one just sold...waiting to see who moves in. Then there are mainly a bunch of old people and the next door neighbour who just advised me that they are going on vacation and that her mom would stop by to check the mail. I told them if they would not have told me I probably would not have ever known they were gone...but I know alot of other neighbours are most likely nosey and definitely would notice. Luckily the street light in the cul de sac hardly ever works and I am not about to call the elec company about it. I say you will have to leave, change and then come back. I am going out tonight but I am getting all ready at home and then driving to a different neighbourhood to walk. My neighbour guy has seen me dressed at least once and I have not noticed anything different.:) Amanda

[EllenJo]

Well honey from what I saw in your pics you should get out. You look terrific. If the neighbor guy is such a great guy, why does he sound a bit like a bigot. I'm not sure if I would let him be what determined what I did with my life. I can only dream of looking as passable as you do. Hope it all works out if not move somewhere else where no on cares.

Good Luck

Ellen Jo

[Tina B.]

Your cool neighbor sounds like a bigot and a busy body to me, not my king of cool, but it's up to you if you want to hide so you can join in, or be yourself, and say screw the neighbors it's my life, your choice! Pick one and don't look back, as for your sister, unless you travel in the same circles, it's not likely she would here, but if you want to be out, that would be the place to start. Family can be very forgiven, and if she is your only family, you must be her only family, she probably would not want to lose you anymore than you want to lose her. But you have to be brave enough to go for what you want.
Tina B.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Patti, This could be a problem maybe tell your neighbor that your girlfriend stays over sometines .

[Beverley Sims]

Your sister would probably be ok with it and if you got really friendly with your neighbor he may even temper his views.
When they have association with others people do alter their views to suit.
It might take time though.

[Veronica27]

I live in a rural village, and understand exactly how you can feel like a prisoner. I wouldn't want to move, as I love everything else about my current situation. I know all the neighbours quite well, and in a rural area, you are all somewhat interdependant on each other for a variety of needs. Most country folk tend to be somewhat redneck, which translates to being very good neighbours, but ones who are not as understanding as we might like about things that are unusual or out of the ordinary. I think that "bigot" is a harsh word to use for such people, as they have nothing in their upbringing or background that would lead them to be totally accepting of us without question. We tend to forget sometimes, that as crossdressers, we are the ones who are acting unusual and in a manner that can easily be misinterpreted by those who have no basis for regarding our ways as "normal".

One suggestion for escaping from your prison, is the use of a "cover-up". This is particularly useful in the winter months. I have used this method when leaving the house to travel to a CD event. You basically dress fully in your indoor femme clothing, and then put on a pair of loose fitting track pants. Make sure you are wearing a skirt or dress that will tuck into the track pants easily. Whether or not you wear a men's shirt will depend upon the weather, and if your coat or jacket will cover up your upper body. Pull on a pair of socks over your hosiery, and then put on your male shoes. Whether or not you wear your breast forms will depend upon how much you show with your winter coat on. I often am wearing a bra and forms when I take out the garbage, pick up the mail etc. in the winter, as my coat hides the bulge quite well. Take along a gym bag or any other suitable carrier, and place in it your makeup, jewelry, wig, femme shoes, forms (if not worn) and female jacket, hoodie or sweater, depending upon the weather. Nail polish, both hands and feet, can be applied before leaving, if gloves are worn. Your preparations should include scouting out a suitable, and somewhat secluded, spot to pull over and complete your transformation. The switch is easy; simply pull off the shoes, socks and track pants, put on the wig, shoes, jewelry and some light makeup. Slip in the forms if not already in, and you are ready to roll.

Veronica

[FrancineBrice]

Moving from an Apartment to a new house, does present some challenges, such as how it would affect you relationship with you new neighbors. My advice would be to take it slow and get a better feel about the new neighbors before you give them anything to talk about. As far as telling your sister, that would probably be in your best interest, and besides she might already suspect or know of your desires. I live in a rural area on a few acres, so I am free to move around as I choose most of the time, but I still must use some common sense!

[Madam Rose]

I'm sorry to hear that girl but the guy seems ''uncool'' To be honest. I mean where does he get of bashing other cultures. I beat he would get upset if you bashed anything of his. Also you failed to tell us about the wife besides she is ''cool''. All I can say is keep it in the house. Does he have any power to kick you out of your apartment or what?

[~Joanne~]

I know exactly how you feel. I use to live in an apartment and getting out was easy. I would walk the halls dressed but never past the front door. Never had a problem and as far as I know, was never seen except for the halloween as I went out to get in the car my criss cross neighbor came in the back door and bolted across the main floor to get a look. My GF said he wanted to see my legs lol

Now I live in a house and it seems I have more neighbors around me than ever and just walking out, without being seen, is near impossible. As I plan for this halloween ( give or take a few days) I plan on doing as suggested above. I will leave in drab and dress somewhere, have my night and then change again before coming home. Might be alot more work but it's worth it. give it some thought :) could work for you too!

As for the guy next door, it seems like he likes to have his nose in everyone's business. I would use extreme caution around him even if he seems super cool. Unless you want to be outed of coarse and I am sure he will help you tell the rest of your neighbors.

[STACY B]

2 of yall for sure that live there you an the Mayor ,,, Just one thing though ,,,First thing ya did was moving there as a man an then making friends MISTAKE #1 Now its all Damage control ,,,I was in the same boat an moved BUT when I got to my new spot is STACY all the way from Jump street ,,,But hind sites 20/20 ,,, Now ya just got pull up them big girl panties an do it ,,Or yull be stuck an won't get to PARTY !!! Be easy with it ,,,Just ease your way out ,,, One peace of clothing at a time .

[Karren H]

I'd start slowly adding feminine touches to your wardrobe when around the mayor and increase them gradually until he figures it out and maybe he will see that your just as cool no mater what clothes you wear!

[Stephanie47]

I looked at your Flickr photos. You are really cute and passable. You have a slender body and cute face. Daylight savings time will be ending soon which should make it somewhat easier to get out the door. I am basically an in home cross dresser, who has gone out for a drive or stroll only when it is dark, and, even better, when it is raining. I lived in NYC for many years and I know row houses can offer little privacy for entering and leaving. Like others have said, once your sister knows of your cross dressing you can have outing with her. If she is willing to assist you, you and her may want to buy the same exact winter coat. When you go out together, you and your sister can wear different coats, but, when she is coming and going alone or you are coming and going alone, wear the same coat. That may make it easier for the snoops to be conned.

Every block always seems to have a person, who thinks they should know everything. It's more than just a Safe Street block watch. And, there are always too many intolerant people around. They're your friends until they find out you're not a clone of them.

[Alice Torn]

Maybe, after getting to be kind of friends with the "mayor", say something abour cd's, and see what he says. If he is hostile, then you know. Or, if he seems to like you, maybe tell him you dress up sometimes. I know that would be risky, though.

[Michelle V]

Hi Patti:
Karen H is very right, touches of femininity will ease things when time comes to come out (if it does) I believe you need to be yourself all the time, I don't mean be a girl 24/7 if you are not ready, but don't try to act too masculine just to fit in, that I think is one of our worst mistakes, I have been label different by a lot of people and I know that if they ever found out about Michelle, well it would not be the biggest surprise, my wife out of the blue said the other night that she realizes she was always attracted to the quiet, gentle more feminine type of men, and she know has me. When I came out to my wife I know it was a shock, but she then said that looking back she should have known. It's great you are maintaining a good relationship with your neighbor, but make sure you don't project who you are not just to fit in.

About your sister, I think you are asking people's opinions because you have been contemplating telling her, I say you do it, take the leap and know your family will love you no matter what, I don't know your sister but I am sure you are a nice person and that is what is important to her is that you are happy.

About dressing, you may have to make friends with a fellow CD who may allow you to use her place to dress up, always good to get support from those who are in the same boat, that's what we are here, right? Patty I wish you the best, hope you can keep us updated.
Michelle

[Barbara Ella]

Patti, confide in your sister, and if she is accepting, and willing, you might be able to use her place to change, even if she doesn't want to go out. My family situation mandates that i not dress and leave the house, but go somewhere else to dress and go out in another town. Wife does not want neighbors knowing, so I am looking for those little procedures that will technically get me out not dressed so anyone could notice, but mostly dressed to make changing easier. Best of luck to you.

Barbara

[Alice Torn]

Veronica has some good ideas. I dress up, then put loose pants over, and a loose shirt, tails out, or a loose coat, and hat, sunglasses. Then shed those later, when at a destination.

[Nicole Erin]

Well, this is a tricky one.
OK so you started off on the right foot with mayor. That is good news. More on that in a minute.

My experience from my CD days is this - When i was mostly in the closet and stuff, when people saw me or found out, they might have maybe joked about it or laughed but they didn't turn against me or anything.

As far as his comments about "other cultures" are they like angry hateful comments like "I am so tired of these F'in (cultures) around here" or is it the normal complaining that most everyone does, even non-haters? Unless he drives a huge truck and has a rebel flag for the front plate and those stupid truck testicles hanging off the hitch, I doubt he is a true bigot.

I do not know how "manly" you are but I am guessing you are not Paul Bunyon in male mode. So he would probably not be super shocked to learn you are GLBT. I would say maybe explain about who you are before showing. Of course expect word to get around.

Normally if you are friends with someone they are not going to easily turn against you. Relationships are conditioned early on. They can change but there will always be residual elements of what it was at the beginning. I suppose things COULD go to the crapper but the worst i see happening is this - You explain it (not shamefully), they laugh, want to see it, word gets around, people gossip, ask the normal questions (are you gay, do you want to be a woman, how long, does family know, Mac or PC...) and after a time, things go back to normal.

I have not had too many friends or relative turn against me cause of who I am. The only ones who did turn against me or quit associating are those who I had a shaky relationship to begin with.

It is important that you do not start acting different or shameful. Just keep being cool with folks and your TG'ness will be just an afterthought.

For him being a "man's man" - my best friend is such. Brief descript - he is big, hairy, usually has a goti, and just looks like this country boy. He complains about "other cultures" but he is not a hater or fighter. He works as a security guard and he comes from a family that is mostly bigots. He learned after we had been friends a couple years that I am TG (close to when I started living full time as a woman). Our relationship is unaffected by it.

I could be wrong in all this and maybe they could turn against you but I kind of doubt it.

[JenniferR771]

The problem is partly in your head. Be proud of how you are--not embarrassed to be yourself. Take it gradual, let them see you in a slightly femme outfit. Build up your confidence by going out and not worry about who sees you in slacks and a wig. After a few weeks someone will say something--and you just respond with yeah, that was me. I have had a slight thing for girly clothes since I was 6.

You can get new friends--you can't choose your sister. Be gentle. Be pround of yourself. Hope for the best.

[drag n fly]

Damn Patti...you look great....Super body, lovely face..Is that your hair? It's great..If your macho neighbor gets a look at you he's liable to come after you all right...But not in anger! smooches Jackie

[silverfurret]

Ugh, I know how you feel. I still live at home with a dad that is very patriarchal and uses imtimidation to get his way. My fem side is always hidden and I can't leave the house when I dress in fear that someone would tell my dad.

[patti1569]

First of all, thank you all for such great replies!!! I know I can always get great support here! All great ideas. Ive considered the hotel thing but really don’t have the money to do that right now. Ill probably wind up doing the “cover up” thing in some form to eventually get out of here. On some level my neighbor may have put one and one together already. I shave my legs and always show them off all summer long. I also walk around in my house in heels frequently and have hardwood floors. I can often hear them in their house and wonder if they can hear me too (probably). I wouldn’t call him a bigot, just insensitive to others different from him. He always goes out of his way to help everyone on the block even those from different cultural backgrounds. He and I are very similar in personality (I’m very much a guys guy when in boy mode). Anyway, I think the real issue is that I’m sick of hiding my dressing. I’d really like to be in a place in my life where I feel confident to go out and not care how others may react. I’d really like to start living the way I want too. Thanks again. Knowing you all are out there and understand make it all a little easier to face. As for telling my sister, I think that day is approaching quickly.

[DeniseNJ]

it would be so neat if you knew someone in the area that you can bring your stuff and dress therer There is a site Phila T-Girls on a Meet-up site but if you join be bonbarded with e-mails on outtings and meet-up in local area's to Phila . One hot spot is the blue lagoon in the king of prussia mall , that's where I went if you need to get your girl on visit that site and good luck I feel your situation!!!

[Erica2Sweet]

Hi Patti. As far as being a prisoner in your home, that is obviously a self-imposed situation. The only two options I see based on what you wrote is to either never go out en femme, or hold your head high and just do it. If you start trying to find ways to sneak around, you're likely going to attract more attention to yourself than if you just acted "normal".

If you feel like you're not being true to yourself, then it's a sign you're probably not being true to yourself. That itch you feel to go out is the femme side trying to express herself and become more socialized and normal. This means you need to take care of the needs of that facet of yourself if you want to feel healthy and balanced, and remain that way. It's important to know that you need to express that side of you in healthy ways also. Keeping your priorities in proper alignment is also key to feeling healthy.

As far as telling family, that's a tough one. No one knows your sister better than you, so you would be best at figuring out what to say and what not to. None of my family knows, but they (my mother, brother and sisters) no longer maintain a relationship with me, so for me, it's not an issue. One question to ask yourself is, "What would she and I gain by me telling her that I crossdress?"... and go from there.

[Erica2Sweet]

...Anyway, I think the real issue is that I’m sick of hiding my dressing. I’d really like to be in a place in my life where I feel confident to go out and not care how others may react. I’d really like to start living the way I want too...

Life is short. Live the way you feel you need to. Managing these gender issues is all about maintaining balance in your life. :)

[lingerieLiz]

You are creating your own problem. You have to decide how you are going to live. To bad you didn't think before you moved. I understand. Years ago I was trapped then I remembered that i had been caught in other places where I lived and nothing happened. Now I wear what I want and don't worry. Be a good neighbor and people will over look your "hobby".

Today I was out front when someone I had never met before stopped and asked about my flowers. I had on jeans and a t-shirt with a bra under it. We talked and eventually they left. Later I saw their daughter who had been with them jog by. She waived to me.

I assume that most of my neighbors know that I wear women's clothes. Most have seen my boobs projecting out and the bra lines. They have never asked me about my bra wearing, but neither have I asked any of the women about it either. Well except one that was amazed at how many clothes I have and another who was a close friend and shoped with me. She moved away to live with her sister.

[heatherdress]

There are always tradeoffs with housing. If you have a lease, you most likely have 6 months left until you have to make a decision. It is hard to be in a love your house and yet be a prisoner in it. That will keep you miserable, in spite of the positives. There is already a lot of good suggestions. Seems like you should try to "break-out" and ignore the bully next door neighbor. See how that goes. You should also start to look for another apartment.

[sterling12]

For the time being.....Winter and cold weather are coming on. An Overcoat, and a pair of sweatpants can hide a lot of things! You'll have to carry your Wig and shoes in a box, and do your makeup in the car. so have a hand mirror available.

It's not a perfect solution, but it's an imperfect world! Maybe over The Winter you can come up with a better solution. You did say it was A Row House? Any of those I have ever seen feature a back alley. Could you temporarily park the car in the Alley, and then do a quick change and sprint into The Car?

peace and Love, Joanie