She Says "Can't You Be Affectionate?"

[RebeccaLynne]

OK, let me set the scene... we've just finished watching the latest installment of "Boardwalk Empire". She's reclining au naturel on the bed, with me sitting on a chair alongside, my legs stretched out near the foot of the bed. If you've watched the series, you know it has some steamy sequences... and I think it stimulates her libido.

I said, "I should get going, I'm tired, and it's a long drive home". Mind you, I'd worked all day, gone to her home afterward, and had taken her out to one of our favorite Mexican eateries for take-out. I hadn't taken a shower, nor had brought a change of clothes. She had to get up for work in the morning, and I'd be off, so I needed to leave.

She's aware of my CD'ing, has spent time with me doing so, and... isn't comfortable with it. I've told her that it is important to me to be accepted for who I am, and in whatever clothing I'm wearing. She believes I should "be a man", and eschew the desire to express a feminine side...

Consequently, I feel rejected. And it's hard to express affection when I can't be myself.

I'm sure I'm not alone in thinking as I do. Wouldn't it be nice if our SO's would love us enough to allow us the courtesy of dressing as we desire?

[AllieSF]

That sounds like a pretty good question from her, in my opinion. It kind of reminds me in a lesser scale of when I see a couple at a nice restaurant and they hardly say more than 20 words to each other during the course of the meal. I makes me think that that couple have lost some interest in each other. Now that comment is based on what I understand that you have written. Did I understand it correctly?

[RebeccaLynne]

That sounds like a pretty good question from her, in my opinion. It kind of reminds me in a lesser scale of when I see a couple at a nice restaurant and they hardly say more than 20 words to each other during the course of the meal. I makes me think that that couple have lost some interest in each other. Now that comment is based on what I understand that you have written. Did I understand it correctly?

Allie, I wasn't able to complete the post initially... I hit the "Enter" key too soon; I've edited to complete my thoughts. And I appreciate your prompt reply... you're quick on the trigger!:)

[Beverley Sims]

As the situation is at the moment maybe you can not continue the relationship without a LOT of work on either side.

[darla_g]

not knowing the entire relationship dynamic here, why do you think the dressing is the hold up here? I may be interpreting this wrong, but it seems like she was throwing herself at you (especially with her comment) and you chose to get up and leave. Why didn't you shower up and maybe join here on the bed?

I always believe that a significant other can accept the dressing if its kept in balance within the relationship.

[RebeccaLynne]

As the situation is at the moment maybe you can not continue the relationship without a LOT of work on either side.

Bev, I've thought a lot about where our relationship is headed. I understand her position, and I think she understands mine...
and I'm not sure an agreeable accommodation can be reached... I'd like to know what "work" (by that I mean what level of compromise) readers here might find acceptable.

[Wildaboutheels]

It's tue what they say.

Love is blind.

But because Love IS [or often is] blind, it's easy to fall into THAT trap - that "Love conquers all".

Only in Fairy Tales.

Sounds like an impasse to me.

[RebeccaLynne]

not knowing the entire relationship dynamic here, why do you think the dressing is the hold up here? I may be interpreting this wrong, but it seems like she was throwing herself at you (especially with her comment) and you chose to get up and leave. Why didn't you shower up and maybe join here on the bed?

Darla, my GF has stated that my CD'ing is "icky and weird". She actually said that. That hurts. She's since softened her stance, saying she realizes I enjoy it, and she can accept it... just not in her presence.
I long to let myself be passionate and uninhibited with an accepting partner... and if I shower and shave, why not some makeup and nice lingerie to heighten my libido? I wanna feel sexy, too... and being a "macho" guy doesn't do it for me.


I always believe that a significant other can accept the dressing if its kept in balance within the relationship.

As long as I CD by myself, she's Ok with it. Spending time together, she's not. I guess that's a balance... but it certainly doesn't encourage intimacy on my part; only a sense of distance and isolation. :straightface:

[Foxglove]

I have to say that this doesn't sound too promising. We want to be accepted, but some people just can't do that. We're made the way we are, and they're made the way they are.

Good luck, Annabelle

[RebeccaLynne]

"Love conquers all".

And love hurts.


Sounds like an impasse to me.

Yeah, Wild. Very little ground gained in over five years of an exclusive, monogamous relationship. You'd think she'd be happy to have a committed partner, albeit the reality of my affinity for all things feminine.

What did she think i was attracted to from the beginning? :heehee:

[Foxglove]

You didn't say anything about five years in your OP. That sounds even less promising to me. If she can't accept you after that time, when will she? I know it hurts, but. . .

[RebeccaLynne]

You didn't say anything about five years in your OP. That sounds even less promising to me. If she can't accept you after that time, when will she? I know it hurts, but. . .

Annabelle, honestly, I don't think she ever will. I love her, and she loves me, but she wants to change me in an area in which I'm not willing to change... and as much as she desires to marry and spend the rest of our lives together, she's not amenable to seeing her way clear to accepting my reality.

So we'll live apart as friends and companions... 'cause I really do like having a partner... and my femme side values relationships! :battingeyelashes:

[Foxglove]

Well, it may not be so much a question of "not willing to change" as "not able to change". All of us here know that TGism is a lifetime condition. I can't really judge, but it may be you've got the best you're going to get in this relationship. Sad, but you are what you are and she is what she is.

[Joanna41]

My wife encourages me to dress anytime I want too. She is truly an amazing woman. As far as your situation goes....only you can really decide how you want to move forward. If she will never accept this part of you....are you sure you only want half of yourself in a relationship? She doesn't seem to want all of you...only the manly part and the other part just stay away. I know what I would do but that's just me.

Joanna

[StephanieJ]

My wife and I recently ended our marriage after experiencing almost the exact thing you describe. I didn't realize until much later that it was me who was shutting off intimacy because I felt rejected. When she says CDing is "icky and weird" it probably feels like she is saying that YOU are "icky and weird". That's got to hurt and who wants to be with someone who hurts you?

I'm still not sure if it was the "right" thing to do or not but I couldn't be with someone who didn't love, accept or trust me. Like your GF, she wanted me to change, but I keep coming back to what Albert Einstein said, "“Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.”

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Hugs,
Stephers

[sandra-leigh]

Remember that sex ("passionate and uninhibited") is not the same as "affectionate". The closest my wife and I have had to sex in several years is me cuddling a breast, but that doesn't mean there is no affectionate parts. Sitting beyond someone with your arms around them; cuddling in bed; sleeping "spooned"; back rubs; calf massage; a kiss on the neck; hugs for no reason; a flower "just because"; slow dancing, etc..

[Erica2Sweet]

... Consequently, I feel rejected. And it's hard to express affection when I can't be myself...

I imagine you feel rejected because when someone plainly states they do not accept a part of who you are, that equates to rejection by its very definition.

If she is not accepting of a part of you that is doing no one any harm, you value that part of you, and she is unwavering in her non-acceptance, then it's clear you and she are incompatible.


As the situation is at the moment maybe you can not continue the relationship without a LOT of work on either side.

If she is not willing offer acceptance on some level, then there's no work that can be done, as that is step number one.

[RebeccaLynne]

Well, it may not be so much a question of "not willing to change" as "not able to change". All of us here know that TGism is a lifetime condition. I can't really judge, but it may be you've got the best you're going to get in this relationship. Sad, but you are what you are and she is what she is.

You're right, Annabelle. As much as I'm not willing, I'm not able. I'll always fervently believe I'm female, born in a male body; totally G.I.D., from the anatomical perspective. Throughout my childhood I've dreamed, wished, and prayed for a correction which never came.

I consider myself TG; never to transition to TS. Too late for that. Had I known then what I know now...

I'm gonna keep working at gaining her acceptance, or she can resign herself to a more or less platonic relationship, in which I pay the tab when we go out... that's me being the guy.

If she wants more than that... well, then let me be my femme side!

[Kathi Lake]

I'm gonna keep working at gaining her acceptance, or she can resign herself to a more or less platonic relationship, ...

If she wants more than that... well, then let me be my femme side!

Welcome to love - my way or the highway - version.

Rebecca, it sounds to me that you are at an impasse. You want her to do things that will engage your libido, while neglecting (and even seriously diminishing) hers. I don't anticipate this changing much, if at all. I don't advise this much, but I think it is time for both of you to seek other people that will strengthen and encourage each of you.

Kathi

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Rebecca, It sure sounds like that you've gotten yourself betweeen a rock and a hard place.

[Julie Gaum]

Rebbeccat let me be blunt: On this thread you were sending out mixed signals that didn't mesh until the 01:29 PM one and then it all became clear! There are all types of CDs but about 85% are heterosexual which for the majority means enjoying having sex with a GG. You obviously don't and just explained why. Unfortunately
too many wrong definitions of transsexual are offered on this site. You should pursue a path of transition as far as your work siituation and financial status will allow.
That doesn't mean you have to "go all the way" to attain a goal which in your case probabibly would be en femme 24/7 if attainable. You can continue your 5-year friendship if she is wiilling. You can't enjoy life in your present impass so get moving.
Julie

[Diversity]

Yes, it would be nice, however, our SO's are also being honest with us about their feelings. The good thing is that your SO is being honest with you and it appears that the lines of communication are open between you both. Since we CD'rs are the ones who are challenging the social norms of society, it is, unfortunately, us who must be patient and courteous to our partners. In time, some partners come to accept our CD'ing desires, some do not. In any event (in my way of thinking), the most important thing to me is the relationship I have with my wife. Nothing (including CD'ing) is more important. I have openly discussed this with my wife, and I accept (though I, like you, wish she would be more accepting of letting me CD in her presence) her wishes.
She does not want to be involved, but will not hold it against me to CD when I am not around her. I also acknowledge that the CD issue is really my issue - not hers. I must assume the responsibility to deal with it responsibly so that I do not make those who I care the most for, uncomfortable or hurt. As such, I feel really lucky and grateful that I have 'come out of the closet' with her, and have not lost her. I am choosing the path to appreciate and enjoy the freedom I have rather than what freedom of expression I do not have. I am writing to you dressed en femme, and loving the clothes I have on right now.... :) I hope this reply brings some happiness your way.
Di

[MsRenee]

At times I know my girl will ask me to sleep in male mode so we can be intimate .and most of the time I will change for her. Its just little things here an there that helps here support my dressing and Im very flexible. Learned sometime ago its give and take for both of us.
Renee

[Amy A]

I do think that it's worth us all putting ourselves in her shoes (not that way! :D) for a moment... she's a heterosexual woman who's boyfriend won't be intimate with her unless he's dressed as a woman. She basically said 'be with me tonight' and you said no. Don't you think she might be feeling a bit rejected as well?

Ultimately it doesn't sound to me like the relationship is providing what either of you need. Just as you can't change who you are, she can't change what she finds attractive in a man. You aren't just saying that you need to crossdress, you are saying that you need to crossdress in front of her and in order to provide her with intimacy. That clearly doesn't work for her, so there's no point trying to change that. Sorry if this sounds harsh. I've just come out to my girlfriend and I just feel lucky that she took it so well and didn't do a runner.

[Stephenie S]

So, why is it that you CAN'T be affectionate? Is this really her fault?

Oh wait. You want to have sex with her when you are dressed in female clothes? I second her ick! This is a big no-no for most women.

S

[kellycan27]

Just an opinion here, but it sounds like ( to me anyway) that you might be holding back sex as a way of punishing her for not accepting your cross dressing?

[Silentpartner GG SO]

Rebecca I dont know the history of your present relationship - 5 years is quite a time. Did your SO know about your CD'ing when you first met? did you tell her about it before you had intimate relations with her?


I love her, and she loves me, but she wants to change me in an area in which I'm not willing to change... and as much as she desires to marry and spend the rest of our lives together, she's not amenable to seeing her way clear to accepting my reality.

you say you're not willing or able to change and those are valid feelings
but you dont seem to think that your SO's feelings are valid? she finds the idea of CD'ing icky and weird and doesnt want to be a part of it - those are her feelings and she has every right to them, they are also valid - just as yours are valid. You cant change and it sounds like she cant change either.



I long to let myself be passionate and uninhibited with an accepting partner... and if I shower and shave, why not some makeup and nice lingerie to heighten my libido? I wanna feel sexy, too... and being a "macho" guy doesn't do it for me

well clearly a guy in sexy female lingerie and make up doesnt do it for her! and why should it? she's a hetero female, not a lesbian


I'm sure I'm not alone in thinking as I do. Wouldn't it be nice if our SO's would love us enough to allow us the courtesy of dressing as we desire?

you want her to let you be 'yourself' but you dont want to let her be 'herself'.



I'm gonna keep working at gaining her acceptance, or she can resign herself to a more or less platonic relationship, in which I pay the tab when we go out... that's me being the guy.

If she wants more than that... well, then let me be my femme side!


You will only have sex with her if she will let you be your femme side ? well your SO has voiced her feelings so this isnt going to happen is it -

in my experience, withholding sex as a punishment or a bribe is not conducive to a good relationship - that's just playing games and it normally backfires. Why would you want to back your SO into a corner to do something she is obviously not comfortable with ?

Please correct me if I have misunderstood the situation but from where I stand I cant see any future for you as a couple - you obviously resent the fact that your SO cannot be comfortable with your femme side, and you cant get sexually interested in her unless you are dressed en femme -
Your SO wants a normal relationship with a normal, totally male guy - she's willing to accept your CD'ing as long as she doesnt have to see it or get involved in it and your not happy with that level of acceptance.

[Erica2Sweet]

...You should pursue a path of transition as far as your work siituation and financial status will allow...

No! The problem lies with incompatibility within the relationship. A sex change is NEVER the answer to relationship problems even if they are connected to your crossdressing. EVER.

Sorry, this is horrible advise.

[Momarie]

Rebecca I dont know the history of your present relationship - 5 years is quite a time. Did your SO know about your CD'ing when you first met? did you tell her about it before you had intimate relations with her?



you say you're not willing or able to change and those are valid feelings
but you dont seem to think that your SO's feelings are valid? she finds the idea of CD'ing icky and weird and doesnt want to be a part of it - those are her feelings and she has every right to them, they are also valid - just as yours are valid. You cant change and it sounds like she cant change either.



well clearly a guy in sexy female lingerie and make up doesnt do it for her! and why should it? she's a hetero female, not a lesbian



you want her to let you be 'yourself' but you dont want to let her be 'herself'.




You will only have sex with her if she will let you be your femme side ? well your SO has voiced her feelings so this isnt going to happen is it -

in my experience, withholding sex as a punishment or a bribe is not conducive to a good relationship - that's just playing games and it normally backfires. Why would you want to back your SO into a corner to do something she is obviously not comfortable with ?

Please correct me if I have misunderstood the situation but from where I stand I cant see any future for you as a couple - you obviously resent the fact that your SO cannot be comfortable with your femme side, and you cant get sexually interested in her unless you are dressed en femme -
Your SO wants a normal relationship with a normal, totally male guy - she's willing to accept your CD'ing as long as she doesnt have to see it or get involved in it and your not happy with that level of acceptance.

JULIE GAUM and you Silentpartner GG SO said it so well, along with many others here.

It's heartbreaking, for all of us.

Thinking when made love to each other, we had something so pure and wonderful...it expressed, enriched, nourished and defined our love.

Then only later...years? decades? we find our lover has only been "pretending" and fantasizing about something we knew nothing about and they just tossed our love-making away so easily, when the truth finally came out.

[sandra-leigh]

If you can't "get it up" without those auxiliary items, then that's the way it is -- but is that even necessary to be affectionate ?

After 20 months on HRT I wouldn't be able to "perform" worth a darn, but if only my wife were to ask for some physical affection, I would be happy to do what I could.

My wife is away for a few days; I sure do miss her hug...

[suchacutie]

As a part of the discussion in the first 48 hours after my wife and I discovered Tina, we set up some initial "codes of conduct", as it were. Since we knew nothing about how Tina would progress and mature, the easiest interpersonal "code" was, "when I want my man I get him."

No problem!

[Jenniferathome]

Wouldn't it be nice if our SO's would love us enough to allow us the courtesy of dressing as we desire?

This comment strikes me as wildly selfish. I mean imagine you rSO saying, "Wouldn't it be nice if our SO's would love us enough to not dress as a woman?" I think you need to reset your expectation as to what acceptance means. Not having to hide is really quite exceptional. Crossdressing is strange, don't kid yourself. While normal to us, it's not "normal."

[DebbieL]

Bev, I've thought a lot about where our relationship is headed. I understand her position, and I think she understands mine...
and I'm not sure an agreeable accommodation can be reached... I'd like to know what "work" (by that I mean what level of compromise) readers here might find acceptable.

It sounds to me like you should end this relationship and look for someone who can accept your feminine side. Before starting a new relationship, you need to sort yourself out - if possible, with a therapist experienced in gender counseling. Your posting shows indications that you might be transsexual. If that is the case, you need to see how you want to deal with that.

If you ARE transsexual, and you try to stay in a relationship with a woman who does not accept and even encourage your feminine side, you will start to split. The woman inside will do what it takes to avoid the woman who has rejected her. You'll spend more and more time away, become less and less affectionate, and might even eventually sabotage the relationship completely. Whatever you do, don't make life-long or life-changing commitments until you have sorted these things out. Attempting to force the situation by trying to get married, have children, and have a house and home together - could be nearly impossible.

If you are just a cross-dresser, then you can set boundaries to your expression that both of you would be comfortable with, and it wouldn't be a struggle to honor them, and you wouldn't be threatened if she didn't want more. The problem is that you don't seem to be a basic cross-dresser. At minimum, you are transgender and possibly transsexual. You may be able to live a happy normal life, or you might become a part-timer, not transitioning, but wanting to work as a man and experience love and romance as a woman. Whatever you decide, it needs to be your choice.

My therapist once explained "If you try to kill Debbie, Debbie will try to kill you". I realized today that it's the truth. Debbie can sabotage in hundreds of different ways, and can even create life-threatening situations. I've been clean and sober for 32 years, because I know that when my black-out takes over, Debbie can do things that are very dangerous. I also know that if I even try to suppress Debbie, she can negatively impact my performance at work, cause me to overeat, and even create life threatening conditions that can lead to stroke or heart attacks. I've had two hospitalizations for heart conditions, and one stroke that could have killed me.

When a loved one rejects Debbie, my relationship is not the same with them after. I'll avoid them, avoid direct communication with them, and go into Nerd mode or Clown mode. When I was a kid and couldn't play with girls anymore, and the boys beat me up - I started reading books, hundreds of them every year. Reading books about girls made me sad, because they reminded me that I couldn't be a girl. Books about boys doing boy things made me unhappy, because I knew I couldn't do those.

I ended up reading lots of non-fiction books - that held no emotional charge. When you read 6 to 8 non-fiction books a week, from age six to age 13, and then up it to 20 books a week, most at college level, that tends to make one incredibly smart. But without the social skills of either a man or a woman to go with it, it can be annoying - coming up with factoids and book-knowledge of nearly every subject discussed, can make things very awkward. Even on this forum, I often provide a great deal of factual information - and have to remember to share my real feelings and experiences as well. Otherwise it can be hard and cold.

I also learned to survive by letting others make fun of me, and giving them things to laugh at that were less threatening. I'd act really crazy, like Robin Williams or Jim Carey - but I was doing that in 1968 - years before Williams and Carrie became famous. Robin Williams and I even went to school with some of the same classmates. Many of my classmates in Denver went to University of Colorado as theater students, in classes with Robin. When Mork and Mindy came out kids at my college said "Rex, this guy stole your act!". Often wonder if Mrs Doubtfire was another aspect of my persona that he had turned into a script. Robin and I have never met face-to-face, and he has done a far better job of comedy and making a difference in the world with comedy - than I ever could have. Someday I'd like to meet him and see if he had ever even heard of me, or "Crazy Rex".

The problem with the Clown is that it's very hard for people to take me seriously. It also makes it much harder to have a heart to heart conversation, because if things get too uncomfortable, I can go into clown mode. The only problem is that when Debbie is threatened or rejected, the clowning and jokes can get very mean, even cruel.

[ReineD]

She's since softened her stance, saying she realizes I enjoy it, and she can accept it... just not in her presence.


I'll always fervently believe I'm female, born in a male body; totally G.I.D., from the anatomical perspective. Throughout my childhood I've dreamed, wished, and prayed for a correction which never came. I consider myself TG; never to transition to TS.

There's your answer. She thinks you're a guy. You feel you're a woman. She has been honest about her feelings with you, and she's OK with it based on the premise that you're a guy and the CDing is an option. Have you been fully honest with her?



I'm gonna keep working at gaining her acceptance, or she can resign herself to a more or less platonic relationship, in which I pay the tab when we go out... that's me being the guy.

If she wants more than that... well, then let me be my femme side!

First, that's a passive-agressive approach. She does accept it based on her assumption that you are a guy and the CDing is optional. You're leaving it up to her to figure the rest of it out by herself and until then, you'll "punish" her by not being intimate.

Second, she's not going to be able to figure it out by herself. Tell her who you are and what you want. Then at least you'll both be on the same playing fleld and you can decide whether you will work on the relationship or move on.

But, if you care for her you'll need to give her time to catch up. Don't forget, YOU know who you are and what you want, but she has no clue. After you tell her, not only will she need to redefine her understanding of you, she'll need to redefine her own role as the only feminine energy in your relationship, and this will entail a redefinition of her sexuality. She may not be able to go there, or if her feelings for you are strong enough, it will take time to get there.


PS. If she said the CDing was "icky" when she first found out but she has since softened, please don't continue to resent her. You're coming into this thread painting her in a negative light, and you're not considering that most people don't grow up around CDers and their opinions of the CDing (until they actually begin relationships with TGs) are influenced by a biased media. Gosh, even many TGs take years sometimes to accept themselves.

[Tina B.]

Becky, she wants a man, and your not, you sound more TS than CD to me, you don't have to have surgery to be TS, you just have to feel that you are the other gender inside.
I have a very accepting wife, but that stops at the bedroom door, I'm the one that belongs to the LGBT part of society, not her, she is straight, and wants to stay that way.
You've said you have been together for 5 years, but how long has she known about Becky. If she say's and has said for a long time, it's alright that you do it, but not around me, and that has held constant, either you accept it for what it is, or move on. But withholding affection, is not away to move a relationship forward, it will eventually kill it.
Love does not conquer all, and not all relationships have a happy ending. Life comes down to choices, and you have a pretty easy one to make, Pick one either let her go, so you both can find happiness, or accept what she offers, and appreciate it for what it is. But longing for what can never be is not healthy.
Tina B.

[RebeccaLynne]

Thanks to each of you who've expressed your thoughts and opinions. Rather than quote individual replies, I'll try to clarify where our relationship has been, where it's at, and where it may be headed.

A little background...

We met online through a normal, generic dating site. We went out for about six weeks before becoming intimate. I did then, and still do, find her attractive and desireable. I do regret not having been completely open and honest with her from the outset regarding my transgenderism, particularly prior to intimacy.
She asked me one evening, maybe our sixth month together, if something was bothering me, as I seemed distant and introverted. I opened up to her about my crossdressing, transgenderism, and gender identity-related issues.
She has been extremely understanding, especially in that she had never been involved with anyone like me. It was all new to her, and she's been really supportive.

So please realize that I had no intention of painting her in a bad light. She's a really good person, and I appreciate that she has gone to great lengths to indulge my femme side, including lovemaking in lingerie (both of us)! :)

I see us remaining together for the long term, as I'd like to be able to alleviate her financial concerns in retirement. She's always been looking towards the future, and whether we marry, live together or separately, we'll make it work.

As to "withholding affection"; I don't play that game. My upbringing in an environment which was non-demonstrable of closeness has a lot to do with it. I've learned to be self-reliant, keeping my distance to avoid the possibility of being hurt.

My GF just seems to want more touchy-feely affection than I feel comfortable with. She knows I'm like that, yet I think she's accepted at least that aspect of my admittedly flawed personality.

I told her that I'd be off Halloween and the day after, and she asked if I'd stay home, or come over to her place... I said I'd be coming over to hand out candy with her. She was happy to hear it, as she loves to have me over... however I'm dressed! :heehee:

[Amy A]

As to "withholding affection"; I don't play that game.

Your latest post seems like a bit of a climb down. You did make it quite clear that she would have to either change her views or live in a platonic relationship. And the woman you describe here sounds a lot more accepting and open minded than the one you described earlier. I do think that considering that she didn't know about your transgenderism before you became a couple that you should perhaps learn to be happy with what you have. If you can't, then it's up to you whether you feel the relationship is worth continuing or not, but I honestly don't understand what more you can expect from your girlfriend. I don't know if you were just in a particular mood when you started the thread, but to be honest it made me a bit angry that someone could be that selfish and not be able to see things from anothers perspective.

I don't mean to be mean or nasty, it's just there's a lot of mixed messages coming across.

EDIT: I was in a bit of a mood myself when I types this, so sorry if it does come across as a bit harsh. I hope things work out for you both.

[ReineD]

So please realize that I had no intention of painting her in a bad light. She's a really good person, and I appreciate that she has gone to great lengths to indulge my femme side, including lovemaking in lingerie (both of us)! :)

I see us remaining together for the long term, as I'd like to be able to alleviate her financial concerns in retirement. She's always been looking towards the future, and whether we marry, live together or separately, we'll make it work.

Over the years my SO and I have had our ups and downs, and I do know what it feels like to see things blacker than they might be and dump it all in here. I've done this in FAB sometimes.

I'm glad that you feel more hopeful about your situation today, and I also continue to encourage deeper talks with your SO about the true depth of your feelings. Your long-term relationship may not turn out the way you'd wish, but the alternative is to suffer in silence next time these feelings overtake you and after many years this really can erode a relationship.

Good luck! :hugs: