What is the proper etiquette...

[Jennifer529]

Recently I have noticed several CD's at the mall,grocery store.
I was not dressed,just smiled politely.(they were dressed nice and looked great)
Question:Would it have been alright to let them know that I am also
a CD or would that have been inappropriate.
It would be nice to chat with another "girl"
Any thoughts?

[I Am Paula]

Find a way to start a conversation as if they were GG's. Compliment them as you would a GG. It would be inappropriate to mention CDing unless they do.

[Elsa Larson]

How about

I'm a "sister" and you look great !

[ReineD]

I don't think they'd like to be reminded that they don't pass?

My SO is pretty realistic about this now (since honestly, only FFS will make someone stealth and even then it takes years providing it is combined with HRT), but in the beginning she did not like to know that she was read. So it all depends on how well seasoned you believe are the CDers that you saw. If you think they're just starting out going in public, I would behave like everyone else who reads them and not say anything. If you figure they seem comfortable with who they are and they don't even try to mask their voices (in other words they're OK with being read), then you can say, "Hey, nice presentation, I'm a CDer (or a TG) too!". :)

[Tracii G]

I don't think they'd like to be reminded that they don't pass?

My SO is pretty realistic about this now (since honestly, only FFS will make someone stealth and even then it takes years providing it is combined with HRT), but in the beginning she did not like to know that she was read. So it all depends on how well seasoned you believe are the CDers that you saw. If you think they're just starting out going in public, I would behave like everyone else who reads them and not say anything. If you figure they seem comfortable with who they are and they don't even try to mask their voices (in other words they're OK with being read), then you can say, "Hey, nice presentation, I'm a CDer (or a TG) too!". :)

I think Reine makes a good point thats pretty much what I would do in that situation.It would not bother me if a guy said that to me when I was presenting all female.

[AllieSF]

Treat it as if meeting anyone else. Do not bring up that you are a sister, relative or anything else. Please do not make it obvious that you want to talk with them about their or your "T"ness. Do it as a natural process over time of making small comments. If and when they actually enter into more than a small talk conversation, you might start thinking about telling them your secret. You should be able to tell pretty quickly at the beginning if they actually want to talk or not. Use that as your clue. If your conversation style is a bit awkward and you can't pull this off, then just admire from a distance and leave them alone. I personally do not have a problem of someone approaching me when dressed. I actually like it. However, so far no one has done that and I think that is because if they look interesting I am already talking with them.

[Beverley Sims]

The first thing you do is make eye contact and smile.
I do this with all women whether dressed or not.
If you get more than a lingering smile you can always ask directions to the nearest elevator/escalator etc.
Maybe you can look out for a second pass in a shop or somewhere.
Then you are likely to get/give a more recognition type acknowledgement.
You should to try the approach with a gg first to get good practice making contact.
Nothing wrong in asking directions even if you know.

[Melissa Rose]

There are no rules since each person and situation is different. You have to use your intuition and ability to read body language as to whether it is okay to approach or talk to anyone, and it especially applies if you think they are a cross dresser. Their attitude, poise, demeanor, how they are interacting with others, etc. are all clues. Some will freak out if approached by anyone, some will have their day ruined if they got read (the reality about being read does not matter), or some will be delighted. Context and location can also make a big difference. You can't know for sure how they will react so there is some risk involved if you approach and announce yourself. Another way to look at it is if you were gay, would you walk up to a stranger you thought was gay and announce "I'm gay like you"? Probably not. You would engage them in conversation and try to get a better sense about the person, make a judgement then proceed accordingly.

As Allie mentioned, I would also treat the person like anyone else I met. I'm very talkative and will chat with almost anyone I encounter. I have never been asked and except in only two cases in three years has anything happened because I'm transgendered. I am very out in the mainstream on a frequent basis so the opportunity has been there numerous times. All I want is to be treated like any other women doing whatever I'm out doing. If someone wants to ask me, I do not have a problem with it; however, how they ask makes a huge difference.

One very important thing is being 100% sure the person is a cross dresser. I have met a few GGs where it would be very easy to mistake them for a cross dresser. If you really want to ruin someone's day, make that mistake.

[Wildaboutheels]

UM...regardless of what people here claim, you can't KNOW for a fact that they are for sure, NOT female. Females come in all varieties of sizes, body shapes, voices, body language/carriage etc.

Unless of course, You talk to them and they TELL you they are a fellow CDer.

Of course there is nothing from stopping you from approaching them with a smile on your face and looking them in the eye and giving them a sincere compliment. Then, they have the ball.

IF they have that "deer in the headlights look", probably best not to approach them at all.

[Joanne f]

UM...regardless of what people here claim, you can't KNOW for a fact that they are for sure, NOT female. Females come in all varieties of sizes, body shapes, voices, body language/carriage etc..
I would agree with that , and besides there are more reasons against it than for it so it is best left alone ( mind you i am just plain unsociable )

[ReineD]

UM...regardless of what people here claim, you can't KNOW for a fact that they are for sure, NOT female. Females come in all varieties of sizes, body shapes, voices, body language/carriage etc.

Wilde, most of us do know the difference, even if a GG is butch looking. I know many women whom CDers would consider are masculine, and I don't mistake them for men, unless I know they are transmen. The only time I was ever surprised about someone's birth gender, was when a transitioned TS confided in me (in the ladie's room), that she had been born a birth male. This was in a gay-friendly part of town. She was very young and about 3" shorter than me. My SO (dressed) and I had been sitting at the restaurant table next to hers and she followed me into the ladie's room. I've no idea why she felt that the fact that I was with my SO was reason enough to disclose this, however.

Anyway, if Jennifer529 felt these people were TG, it's a pretty safe bet she was right.

That said, it makes sense there are people who don't read gender cues as well as others, and likely these people don't even stop to ask themselves if the person in front of them is male or female. :p

[CONSUELO]

Why not simply compliment them on their appearance and move on. A comment such as "that's a really nice outfit" and then moving on is neutral enough and not threatening but it might give a little ego boost. I have often paid compliments like this to women. It has to be said properly and genuinely without any indication that anything other than a gentle compliment is intended. No hanging about for more conversation as this could be misinterpreted. If they wish to open up a conversation that is their decision. I would not risk a misidentification.

[suchacutie]

I have to admit I don't understand the need to explain to another CD that they don't pass, and if they aren't a CD it is really not good.

Tina prefers to be treated in a way appropriate to her presented gender, so that's the way I treat everyone else. If they are CD then I hope they feel great being treated as they wish to be treated, and if they want to broach the fact that they are CD, then terrific.

After all, we want to be supportive, and what better way is there than to be gender appropriate?

[Kate Simmons]

If I talked with someone at the store, the fact that they were CDing wouldn't even enter into it.:)

[divamissz]

The third rail of transgender-talking to another Tgirl in public. One might appreciate that you think they look nice and you're another "sister." Another might feel crushed that you've "clocked" them and now they wonder who else knows. Or, they might feel like you're risking their privacy. Or...

If you do not know someone, and do not know if they are okay with being approached in public openly, then don't say a thing. Don't stare at them, treat them with the obliviousness that we do most other people whose paths we cross.

[bridget thronton]

I guess treat the person like you would any other woman you did not know (polite conversation, respect her personal space, offer a compliment if it is genuine on your part)

[STACY B]

Just me ,,,, An this is not for EVERYONE ! But if you see me some where feel free to come on up an get my Autograph . But easy on the Pic ,, At least till I fix my hair an makeup ..LOL.... Super Star !!!!! YEA !!!!!

[Lorileah]

I see by your outfit that you are a cowboy. How many times while wandering through the mall did you want to say that to the guy wearing jeans and a cowboy hat? Never? So why do you want to walk up to a totally unknown person and say..."Gee you wear dresses too!"

You don't stop any other person in the mall and talk to them...even if they are German ancestry like you, or have blond hair, or are eating an ice cream cone. It amazes me that you need to out yourself to someone you don't even know any thing about except they are wearing an outfit.

How do you approach them? Smile and say "hi" and walk on by. If they notice your lacy panties showing above your jeans maybe they will say something and then you can talk

[Jenniferathome]

Approaching them would burst the average bubble that they are not "passing." There are a rare few who know they do not "pass" and don't care. There are maybe .1% that really go unnoticed, but based on comments I have seen here, about 87% think they are in the .1% While a kind gesture, I do not think it would go over well in general.

[Lorileah]

There are maybe .1% that really go unnoticed, but based on comments I have seen here, about 87% think they are in the .1%

Wait...you mean I am not in the .1%?

[Annie D]

From "American President" complement her shoes, women like that! A complement goes a long way toward acceptance.

[StephanieJ]

It's a lot like asking a pregnant woman when her baby is due... Only to find out later that she isn't pregnant. I think the rule on that is never ever ever ever ever ever (are there enough evers?) assume that a woman is pregnant unless you are the father of the child and even then, you should proceed with caution.

Similar logic would apply to a trans-sister. Just smile and say "hello" or offer the same compliment you would to any other GG. (And whatever you do don't ask her when her baby is due...)*


* On second thought, that might actually be considered a compliment...

[Jorja]

Just me ,,,, An this is not for EVERYONE ! But if you see me some where feel free to come on up an get my Autograph . But easy on the Pic ,, At least till I fix my hair an makeup ..LOL.... Super Star !!!!! YEA !!!!!

If I ever run into you at the store I'm yellin across the isle and treatin ya like a long lost cousin.

[Brianna612]

It's a lot like asking a pregnant woman when her baby is due... Only to find out later that she isn't pregnant.

OMG Stephanie I did that once. When I rang the doorbell of a potential client, when she opened the door I noticed that she was sporting this big belly, I asked her when she was due? She just smiled, I just sank and smiled back. Good thing she had a good sense of humor cause I got the job.

Talk to others as you would in any public setting. Why would you out yourself to a perfect stranger. You know that a swinging purse striking the side of your head hurts a lot.

[ReineD]

You don't stop any other person in the mall and talk to them...even if they are German ancestry like you, or have blond hair, or are eating an ice cream cone. It amazes me that you need to out yourself to someone you don't even know any thing about except they are wearing an outfit.

... well, actually I have stopped people when I heard them speak with the same accent as my mother's. You don't hear this often and it's always nice to establish a rapport with people whom you share something in common. I once ran into a woman who was wearing the exact same sweater and this formed the basis of a 15 minute bonding session. :)

[Mickitv]

I would definitely considering the situation but as agressive as you feel comfortable. Talking to other CDs is a wonderful experience but should be done with consideration and tact.

[Jenniferathome]

Wait...you mean I am not in the .1%?

Must be just you and me. go figure

[Leah Lynn]

Just me ,,,, An this is not for EVERYONE ! But if you see me some where feel free to come on up an get my Autograph . But easy on the Pic ,, At least till I fix my hair an makeup ..LOL.... Super Star !!!!! YEA !!!!!

"HEY, YOU!!!! OVER THERE OTHER SIDE OF THE MALL !! AINT YOU THAT STACY B DUDE/CHICK??? LOOK OVER HERE CUZ I'M ONE TOO!!
Yup, that'll work. Not.

[JenniferR771]

"Have you got the time?" "Oh no I am such a klutz, I am going to be early--again." "Don't you hate it when..."
If you can get them to talk for a sentence or two. Listen to their body language as stated above. Judge if they are cd by their voice. Decide if they are comfortable talking to you. Introduce yourself with your femme name. Be sensitive to what they say--let them back out gracefully if they wish.
"Can I buy you a cup of coffee?" I am a little eccentric, but people don't laugh at my appearance--much--anymore.

[noeleena]

Hi,

Heres a detail, id put forward, have a good look at my pic, in my avatra what do you see, a male or female most of you know any way what i am. so just for the argument how would you approch me. would you say hi. you see, youll see a male yet after that it all changes, why because my manirisms my voice .... maybe..... you would base your idear of what i am oh yes a male......sorry ..... im a woman. with male facial features,.

Would you see me as a dresser even...

As a female i was not born with how a female would look thats my issue yet its not a issue it is only when i make it one,

Now i do get people come to me & say hi, because they have read my story, my profile ,others just say hi & accept im just a woman so theres two sides to this,

& add to this even when or if you saw me would you accept i am a woman , i can tell you that its would you accept or belive i really am,
I know some women who are female born who would clock you if you said im a dresser as well a ooops there, they would see red,

What im saying is not all of us women come looking like women. deep voices yes walk even like men yes, yet that is a difference we have or one of many.

...noeleena...

[Joanne f]

I think Noeleena has made a good point that we have missed, it is all very well to say that some have the intelligence to tell that it is a CD that they are looking at and that some do not have the ability to spot gender differences but what if it is a transsexual that has not had any form of surgery yet and like me would find it very hard to pass , I think it would be very upsetting for them and to be honest very insulting or would I be wrong in thinking that all on here can tell the difference between a CD,TG or TS just by looking at them , it is not the question of having no ability to spot gender difference but more the ability to know that gender is more than just looks so there are times when it is just best left alone , saying something in my opinion is putting your curiosity before their respect .

[Badtranny]

This comes up again and again and for the life of me I cannot understand why it's soooooo important to tell a "sister" that you're a sister. This always turns into a big discussion but really what's wrong with just saying "hi"?

When I see someone that I would like to meet for whatever reason, I just say "Hi". If you're a CD and you think you are in the presence of a sister just say "Hi"

You: Hi
Stranger: Hi
You: Those are some damn cute shoes
Stranger: Oh thanks
You: It's almost boot weather! and I totally saw a pair at Bloomies that I could rock out in
Stranger: I wish I could afford Bloomies
You: Me too, that's why I didn't buy them! But I've got my eye out for something similar this weekend

yadda yadda yadda and the next thing you know, you're boot shopping with a new friend.

Is it just me or is there an overwhelming number of people here who don't seem to know how to get along in the world?

[Kathi Lake]

This always turns into a big discussion but really what's wrong with just saying "hi"?Ding ding ding ding!!!!

Do you want a relationship with another person, or just with another crossdresser. We are people under the clothes and makeup, you know.

:)

Kathi

[Tina B.]

How many start conversations with other men they see shopping in the mens section of the store, or GG's that are out shopping, why are we to be seen differently. Don't stalk, don't say hey, you look great I could hardly tell you where a man, don't approach a CD as if she was a hooker plying her trade, with wow you look hot, lets stop for drinks. In a small town we say good morning, afternoon or what ever to just about all the people we pass, but we don't stop and engage everyone we nod to. Thats what support groups and bars are for, don't scare the shoppers you might be scaring off someones sale. Like Kathi said, we are not what we wear, we are just people, people you might not even like. When I shop, I'm looking for a skirt, not a new friend, I also don't take in stray mutts, or other things that might come up to me on the street.
Tina B.

[Dee Baker]

I see by your outfit that you are a cowboy. How many times while wandering through the mall did you want to say that to the guy wearing jeans and a cowboy hat? Never? So why do you want to walk up to a totally unknown person and say..."Gee you wear dresses too!"

You don't stop any other person in the mall and talk to them...even if they are German ancestry like you, or have blond hair, or are eating an ice cream cone. It amazes me that you need to out yourself to someone you don't even know any thing about except they are wearing an outfit.

How do you approach them? Smile and say "hi" and walk on by. If they notice your lacy panties showing above your jeans maybe they will say something and then you can talk

I couldnt agree more.