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View Full Version : Compressed Feelings For To Long, help?



MuzzledJ
10-11-2012, 05:08 AM
Hi ladies

I am so grateful to have stumbled across this forum,:) with such friendly people discussing their encounters so openly. It is really helping me see a way forward.

The last time i cross dressed i was about 8. After realizing it was out of place, i have compressed my feelings about cd ing thinking its wrong and been smoking cannabis since i was 13 to forget the strong urges i had.

I am now 24 and the last week all these crazy feelings started coming back of whom i really am. I just cannot hide these feelings any more.

I know i enjoy the thought of wearing womens sexy clothes so why should i hide it any longer? Now its just finding the balls to go into a shop and actually buy some girly clothes, this was actually a lot harder than what i thought. 3 times iv been in with good intentions to walk out with zero items.:straightface: Should i just order them online? Are there any shops for cd items or do u girls just buy from female clothing stores? not sure what sizes to buy etc.

I am also very confused about my sexuality, even reading the definitions i am no closer in determine my sexual preference. As im a builder by trade, its not always easy on site. In some instances when asked, i have just told them i am bi as i am unsure my self. I enjoy bashing one out over ********, CDs and dom women. what does that mean? except that im a pussy.

Sorry to have rambled on, you girls are the only people who i can express my really feelings to. Any feedback will be appreciated.
muzzled J x

Beverley Sims
10-11-2012, 05:22 AM
Welcome to the forum.
Start off by assuming that you are a crossdresser.
To say that you are bi or trans anything can be found out later.
Overcome your so called guilt feelings by going into a shop and buy a dress, lingerie or whatever you like.
Go to the self serve section and check it out yourself.
Leave on line buying until you know what you like or fits you.
On line you have to let them know your address and some details anyway.
So find whatever balls you want and go out and buy something.
Start to enjoy yourself, don't tell any body about your desires as you are really not sure yet.
Now read on and post more questions.

Cynthia Anne
10-11-2012, 05:43 AM
Welcome to the forum! I think you will find great information here that will help you to make the right decisions! Take your time and learn as you go!

Oilpainter35
10-11-2012, 06:44 AM
Just slow down and relax...You are okay, and will be. You don't need to call yourself anything. Just keep looking. YOu will slowly fit in and find all the things you are looking for. Patients is the thing that most have problems with. Keep everything private, until you are sure you want to open up to whomever. Write me if you would like...

MuzzledJ
10-11-2012, 07:21 AM
Thanks for the reply's, i will try take one step at a time and keep reading these useful posts. I just feel iv been living a lie to some degree that some part of me is being locked away which in turn is making me anxious. Thanks for the support its always good to have people to chat to. My first step will be to go and buy some female clothes and see where that takes me!

WandaRae2009
10-11-2012, 07:56 AM
Your are lucky at your age to have such a resource available. I went on for nearly 40 years thinking something was wrong with me. As far as shopping, I have never had an issue buying anything. You will see many many threads here there are rarely any issues.

As far as where you stand on the transgender spectrum, it wouldn't hurt to see a counselor. Make sure that you find one that specializes in Transgender issues. To find one, try to find a transgender support group in your area. Sometimes they will list qualified counselors in the area that members have reccomended. That is how I found the one that my wife and I went to. It saved our marraige of over 20 years where I kept the secret for that long.

Good luck and welcome

Lucy Lou
10-11-2012, 08:08 AM
Hi, i also know how you feel. I kept dressing and then purged the things I had bought. I did go into lingerie shops and bought some things saying that they were for my girlfriend and had no problems. Buying stuff online is good. I have bought loads of stuff like that you just have to work out what size you need and then just do it. I have bought make up online too which is a good idea because if you feel funny about buying cloths then buying make up can be difficult too.

The important part is that you don't have to worry about what people who you don't know and might never meet again think. No one will say anything and even they do you will never hear it.

Good luck with it. Lucy

MuzzledJ
10-11-2012, 08:54 AM
Thanks wandarae for your comments , i understand there is a lot more information and some form of acceptance now a days but it still feels like a massive step. I am pleased to hear your marriage worked out for you after all that time, must of been very hard for you and your partner. Thanks for the advice, a counselor sounds like an option in due course . Are they expensive?
Lucy lou your right i need to just make the jump, I keep telling myself no one will notice and i will probably never meet them again but that doesn't stop that funny feeling i get once iv entered the store. Online defiantly seems like the easier route for a first time CD.

Karren H
10-11-2012, 09:46 AM
I had to teach myself to not be embarrassed.... your conditioned by society and you have to unlearn that feeling..... start with small successes and build on it..... just doesn't happen over night... you can just switch that feeling off.... I went to like a Walmart who had self checkouts and bought a few things.... and kept doing that till you become comfortable wandering around the ladies dept.... then advanced to other stores with SAs and trying stuff on... Kohls is great since the fitting rooms are on the same floor and unattended.... you can fly by and grab a few skirts and "hide" them behind a male polo shirt and go to the mens dressing room.... just keep doing these things successfully and your confidence will build and those feelings will fade away.....

UNDERDRESSER
10-11-2012, 11:52 AM
First, what you're doing is not wrong. Get that into your head. Of course, depending on your situation, anouncing it publicly may not be wise.

Where this is coming from internally? That you'll have to figure out yourself. Remember that gender identity, gender expression, sexual orientation, all are seperate. You might feel you're a guy, or girl. You might want to display as a guy or girl. You might be attracted to guys, or girls. None of those necessarily have anything to do with each other.

keep reading, asking question, just realizing what you aren't, can be as useful as finding out what you are.

Angela Campbell
10-11-2012, 12:11 PM
For me the first step was to realize that it is ok for me to be me. If I want to be a girl or wear womens clothes it is ok. Once I made that step the rest is just a case of not caring what people I do not know think about me. I have shopped for clothes for my previous wives many times and I can tell you no one in the stores care what you are buying or what it is for. Go look at what they have and if you see something you like ...buy it. You need not give any explaination to anyone. Most will never ask anyway, just step up to the checkout and pull out your card and pay for it. It does get easier.

Meghan
10-11-2012, 12:34 PM
Hi Muzzled,

I am 42 now, but 24 was a tough time for me. The desire came and went pretty forcefully. Once you've shopped a couple of times, and realize that it's no big deal, it can get easy to go on big shopping sprees!

For me, those sprees would eventually turn into guilt. I could have spent that money on something else like my kids, or my wife for example. Or I hated hiding a stash of clothes around and every time I added to that stash, I was increasing the possibility it would be discovered.

I often purged my things to rid that guilt with a fresh vow to never dress again.

As it turns out, the desires just come back stronger.

The best way I can suggest is to try and manage the highs and the lows. Don't go too crazy on the highs, and try not to feel to guilty on the lows. Enjoy the rollercoaster ride for what it is.

You'll get a rush from shopping attempts and eventually overcome your fear to purchase something for yourself. Every time after that it will get easier, but still be a rush!

The guilt might never go away for me (there is a sense of loss for my male self all the time), but with time and support you will learn to manage it like so many other fears in our lives.

I always try to remind myself to just enjoy the experience of not knowing what's about to happen, and not to regret what has already passed.

Meghan

Foxglove
10-11-2012, 02:19 PM
Hi, Muzzled! I would strongly urge you to acknowledge and accept what you are, and don't worry about it any more. I wish I'd done that when I was young like you. I wasted a lot of years of my life. I think a lot of people will tell you that if you try to keep it bottled up, you'll only make yourself unhappy.

As regards shopping, I can understand your fear. I'm fairly experienced now at shopping (in drab--never done any of it en femme), and I still feel a little twinge now and then. But my own experience has shown me over and over that people simply don't care. The women customers around me pay no attention to me when I'm picking out stuff, and the people at the register don't care, either.

I was out shopping just yesterday, e.g. In one shop I saw a three-pack of panties that I wanted, so I just took them up to the register and paid for them. The woman didn't bat an eye, and the only thing she said to me was, "Do you need a top-up for your phone?" (I'm not sure what that meant: do you get a free top-up with every three-pack of panties? In any case, I said no.)

But that's been typical of my experience. Just go in, pick out what you want, pay for it and go home. It's hard at first, but it gets easier.

Best wishes, Annabelle

[Muzzled, I thought I'd add to this post: one question you need to ask yourself is, do you care if people know you're trans? Because if you're shopping in person or online, I myself feel sure a lot of people are going to know that you are.

I don't think it's great shopping online for clothes, because there's no good way of knowing whether they're going to fit. I've wasted some money that way.

But if you're shopping in person for clothes, cosmetics, whatever, people are going to guess. That doesn't bother me at all. In fact, there are advantages. E.g., one time I was having a hard time finding an eyebrow pencil in a shop. One of the SA's really went out of her way to help me find one. She had to know I was buying it for myself, because what guy buys eyebrow pencils for his SO, right?

But as I say, it doesn't bother me if they know. Because they just don't care. Nobody's ever hassled me about shopping. So if you're worried about SA's copping onto you, I'd say they certainly will, but they still don't care. So it's not something I think you need to worry about. But you have to settle that question for yourself.

One thing I will say, though, is, once you get into shopping, it's great fun. You'll come to understand why women love it so much.

A.]

ArleneRaquel
10-11-2012, 02:23 PM
Welcome to this supportive forum.

Layla Michelle
10-11-2012, 03:07 PM
I can relate to the rush of buying new clothes after pretending to be looking at clothes for my wife and sneaking into a dressing room to try something on. I'm still very confident in my masculinity but have no internal issues about how nice women's clothing feels and looks when I really transform. I wear panties every day just because of the fabric and how it feels, but I still throw a pair of my underwear in the dirty hamper every night like they were worn.

WandaRae2009
10-11-2012, 06:25 PM
If you have health insurance they are usually covered with your standard co-pay. Mine was quite considerate and concerned about privacy. She put it through as treatment for depression which was true, but left out the transgender issue. If your employer has one of the employee assistance programs, ususal cover the first few visits at no cost.

docrobbysherry
10-12-2012, 12:29 AM
Muzzled, just take one step at a time. The first thing u need to do is dress. Shop at thrift stores. Stuff is cheap. It will take u a while to find out what fits and what u like in ladies gear! In 15 years of shopping in stores, I've only had one incident. Normally, no one bats an eye at all the ladies things I buy. Even if I try on heels in the aisles!

Expect to be sexually excited by dressing. Most of us r at first. Some of us still r years later.

Your sexual preference is a completely different issue. I wouldn't worry about that. At your age EVERYTHING is a turn on! Over time, you'll find out who u really r attracted to.

Michelle V
10-12-2012, 12:44 AM
It gets easier, the more you explore those feeling that you have been suppressing all this years the more you learn about yourself. I don't think you need to worry about what people think when you buy clothes for yourself, I kind of learn to ignore people and concentrate on my shoping, it is a lot easier if you know what you are looking for and what size, make sure you learn your sizes, super important it avoids you spending extra cash, I am sure you want to go for the naughty clothes right away, after all we are guys and that is what is attractive to us but start getting your style, who knows when you are going to be able to dress up fully and go out with friends, you don't want to look put together at the last minute. At the beginning I would get a list in a very large piece of paper and do my shopping while reading from this list, it kept me too busy to pay attention to others and would show i was not a pervert looking to pick up women at the store, even when it did not said anything or had the items I needed and I would go to a salesperson, mostly females, to ask where things where, it would put me at ease somehow.

I won't lie, it still bothers me when I am in a store looking lets say at make up and there is the occasional guy or girl staring at me like I am doing something unheard of, but I ignore them, last time I bought make up the cashier gave me a dirty look, all I could do was say thank you with my biggest smile and forget about her, ,not worth it.

I really hope you find yourself, remember, love yourself first and accept who you are, the rest will fall into place with time. Be happy.

Michelle V
10-12-2012, 12:47 AM
I had to teach myself to not be embarrassed.... your conditioned by society and you have to unlearn that feeling..... start with small successes and build on it..... just doesn't happen over night... you can just switch that feeling off.... I went to like a Walmart who had self checkouts and bought a few things.... and kept doing that till you become comfortable wandering around the ladies dept.... then advanced to other stores with SAs and trying stuff on... Kohls is great since the fitting rooms are on the same floor and unattended.... you can fly by and grab a few skirts and "hide" them behind a male polo shirt and go to the mens dressing room.... just keep doing these things successfully and your confidence will build and those feelings will fade away.....

Hi Muzzle, me again...listen to this lady, she is very wise and you will find that she is truly one of the lucky ones that has found happiness within herself and her relationship.

Tara D. Rose
10-12-2012, 12:50 AM
MuzzledJ, welcome, to the site. You will learn so much here from so many that have done this for 50 plus years and beyond. Read and post and be patient. You have a great advantage with your cross dressing being young BUT having the awesome benefit of the internet and this site. When some of us were young we sort of had to live with it and not be able to talk about it to anyone. I learned so much here about myself as well as I feel I may have given some helpful advice to some.
I do know though, that when shopping, we can all get the nervous jitters, no matter how long we have been buying in retail. Sometimes I don't have those nervous jitters at all, but sometimes I still do. It may be just the mood we have at that time. But the SA's (sales Associates), do not care, they ring you up and you're on your way. And since you're new, let's try not to spell out the word....P***y. We try to keep those words in a ,,well ,,nicer words. \

Welcome and have fun, and learn all that you can here.

peace my friend,

Tara D. Rose

ArleneRaquel
10-12-2012, 12:53 AM
Tara,
Excellent advice. I wish that the internet was around when I was young. OMG, that's about 100 years ago.

cdTammy
10-12-2012, 12:54 AM
All great words form great ladies! It will get easier as you go along, I am lucky that the girls at the panty shop in my town know me well and know the undies are form me! :) after about a year of buying the wrong size bras, the owner did a private fitting for me!! that was a great day. as far as going for cloths, as you have been told most of the cashiers wont even bat an eye! and some will play right along. I get "wow this is going to look great on you" more that you may think!

Good luck in all you adventures! :)

MuzzledJ
10-12-2012, 03:24 AM
Hi peeps, WOW i cant thank you all enough for the great response you have given me... I have had a good read over your replies and you girls certainly have a good way of putting things. I would like to reply to all your comments but no time at the present.
Your right! its overcoming the fact i am a CD and that's who i am is what i must be struggling with, society and acceptance is also a scary thought. I can understand how i might be jumping the gun a little when it comes to sexuality so il have to ride it out, just feel i need to find some answers quickly.

" [Muzzled, I thought I'd add to this post: one question you need to ask yourself is, do you care if people know you're trans? Because if you're shopping in person or online, I myself feel sure a lot of people are going to know that you are"
I am not sure , i certainly wouldn't feel comfortable telling my family at this time. But i don't really care what randoms think.

"If you have health insurance they are usually covered with your standard co-pay. Mine was quite considerate and concerned about privacy. She put it through as treatment for depression which was true, but left out the transgender issue. If your employer has one of the employee assistance programs, ususal cover the first few visits at no cost" Thank you i will have to look into this as i am unsure cause im self employed.

" I am sure you want to go for the naughty clothes right away" Your spot on , i want to go and buy loads of sexy lingerie, dresses, leggings and stockings not so sure of my style just yet hopefully that will follow...

Iv obliviously got lots to learn and find out about myself, but you have all been so helpful and i can reflect a alot of truth in what your all saying. It has really helped no end, in fact iv just took the day off and im heading into town today. Il let u know how i get on... much love muzzled J

Tina B.
10-12-2012, 08:28 AM
Muzzled, welcome to the forum, now lets get practical, you don't know your sizes, go to just about any department store on line, and find their sizing chart, get your self a cloth tape, fabric store, some grocery stores even, look in the notions dept. Being in construction, you may find your top half to be a different size than the bottom is, which is important to know when buying separates.
Scared to walk into that store and look at clothes, we've all been there, keep trying, sooner or later, one day you'll say what the heck, and bust in there and look around, might chicken out and run for the door at first, but if you want it bad enough, sooner or later your going to want it so bad, you will over come that fear. That doesn't mean it won't come back the next time you start out, Even after all of these years, at times I can get shy about shopping expressly if I haven't been out shopping for a long time. Now days, because of lack of choices in shopping in my town, I buy maybe 50% on line, but I still prefer to shop in person. Start with a simple outfit, keep it cheap, until you figure your sizes and style, that takes a bit of practice.
Tina B.

MuzzledJ
10-12-2012, 12:41 PM
Tina b , thanks for the advice that's a great idea and your right my shoulders are a little on the large side.
After putting in an order online, i found myself impatiently waiting for the delivery(not til next week). So i got up early and hit the town. First store i went in with pride intact and started browsing the many girl clothes they had, it was great even with the security guard following me around(must of looked slightly out of place), i just got on with it and tried to enjoy it. Bought 4 items which whilst paying the SA looked up and had a little giggle, i just smiled and walked out. Went to another store bought few more items , no one noticed or cared at all.
Feel a lot better about myself now and actually think i enjoyed it, iv never really enjoyed shopping for mens clothes.
Thanks for your kind words of wisdom, it really has helped a bundle.
muzzled J

Foxglove
10-12-2012, 12:51 PM
First store i went in with pride intact and started browsing the many girl clothes they had, it was great even with the security guard following me around(must of looked slightly out of place), i just got on with it and tried to enjoy it.

Good for you, Muzzled! And a pox on the security guard and all his descendants. But you didn't let it bother you. Well done!