scared and closeted sisters: ever feel like you subconsciously WANT to be found out?

[Abbygirl]

For context, I am in the closet. My GF knows, but that's it. Here's the thing: the older I get, the more chances I seem to take with exposing my girly side to others.

Sometimes I think I am sabotaging myself, subconsciously hoping I'll be discovered just so I can quit sneaking around about it.

Anyone else have feelings like this?

[JenniferR771]

I did. Perhaps I wanted to tell my wife. And when choir practice was canceled and she got home an hour early...I was wearing her clothes. That was 12 years ago. She is non-approving. However, she seems to have accepted that I am going to the cd weekend at the Dunes in Saugatuck tomorrow. She just thinks I should take no more than 3 dresses not 7.
I am trying to be nice to her...appreciate everything about her. Worship the ground she walks on.

[JamieQ]

Sure, I think most really do want to be "found out". << Sometimes I think I am sabotaging myself, subconsciously hoping I'll be discovered just so I can quit sneaking around about it. >>
That sounds real familiar. May or may not work but may be easier in your situation that way. You know your GF more than we do, so if thats the way YOU think it should be done, then do it that way. You will get tons of varying opinion about that here though.

[Launa]

I've had lots of feelings like you have, I just started going out dressed in public. Problem is 90% solved

[Meghan]

For context, I am in the closet. My GF knows, but that's it. Here's the thing: the older I get, the more chances I seem to take with exposing my girly side to others.

Sometimes I think I am sabotaging myself, subconsciously hoping I'll be discovered just so I can quit sneaking around about it.

Anyone else have feelings like this?

I am not completely closeted any more, so I hope you don't mind my reply...but I used to be.

Unequivocally...yes! The human brain does not like to keep secrets. I believe the sub-conscious works hard to stay in sync with the conscious mind. When there are conflicts, especially when it comes to something so powerful, the sub-conscious does everything possible to "out" the conscious.

Hence the urges that seem to come from nowhere.

My son told me today that we have nightmares to prepare ourselves for any situation. I used to have nightmares about getting caught and how I would deal with that. Now that I am mostly out, I don't have those dreams any more.

Meghan

[JenniferR771]

And... my wife (who knows but does not approve) wanted to use our computer, but I made her wait as I wanted to check my messages here. She wouldn't leave, but kept looking over my shoulder, I clicked my name.
"Oh...that's cute!"
You can click my name to see what she saw.
In my profile picture, I am wearing a cute, but very short red wig and a nice blue print dress. I am standing in our kitchen near the back door. She didn't seem angry (this time). I am sort of glad she saw my pic again, and this time it was a good pic. Baby steps.

[Angela Campbell]

After almost 50 years I guess if I subconciously wanted to be caught I would have been caught by now.


And... my wife (who knows but does not approve) wanted to use our computer, but I made her wait as I wanted to check my messages here. She wouldn't leave, but kept looking over my shoulder, I clicked my name.
"Oh...that's cute!"
You can click my name to see what she saw.
In my profile picture, I am wearing a cute, but very short red wig and a nice blue print dress. I am standing in our kitchen near the back door. She didn't seem angry (this time). I am sort of glad she saw my pic again, and this time it was a good pic. Baby steps.

Yep that pic is pretty cute.

[Megan Briana]

I think in some ways I do want to get caught. I don't even think its my subconscience doing it. I want to be able to go out of the house wearing what a GG would wear, but I don't have to be dressed to the nines for it. I under dress nearly every day already. But there have been days (like today) when I wear some lady jeans, some sandals that can go one way or the other, and lately i have been wearing just a touch of eyeshadow, and light body spray. My one and only confidant noticed today, but I dont think anyone else did. As my wardrobe grows to include more jeans and tops, I will get more daring. If no one has noticed a change in me by then, well... It don't matter what they think. What matters is my own level of comfort wearing whatever it is that i may choose.

[Alice B]

I think we all at one point or another do things where we could be caught and secretly want to have this happen. It is simply a matter of unfounded and warrented guilt.

[Cynthia Anne]

That sure sounds like my younger days! Nowadays I just don't care who sees me!

[sandra-leigh]

Yeh. See e.g., my 2007 thread "Getting braver (or stupider)" (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?59915-getting-braver-%28or-stupider%29). A bit different of a situation, though: I was already going out in public, but not around "people I know".

[Tina B.]

Never wanted to out myself, have always worked very hard to keep it a private thing at home, I've only told my wife, not telling her seemed to much like a lie, and I needed the freedom at home. So I felt it only fair for the both of us. The rest of the world, never figured it was any bodies business but my own.

[~Joanne~]

I am in the closet, not totally, as I have never had "the talk" with my GF but she has got to know. I wear hose all the time, she took me out a few halloweens ago in full femme, She was with me when I bought some heels and a skirt last week, last night we looked at nails while we were out, the list goes on and on but she has never said one thing one way or the other about any of it (well, other than "$30 for a wig?" which was actually $70 which was on sale half off which was normally $130). Is this a good thing or a bad thing? I don't know.

I don't leave things around the house to try to confirm anything. Anything she finds she knows I have and never asks. I actually left her once and was worried that i was going to be outed out of spite but that never happened. if it did, I have never been questioned about it by anyone.

As for the rest of the world, I have no need to share this side of me with them. I want to be out, I want to experience a day fully as joanne (hopefully the 30th or 31th) but I don't need to be seen by the whole world either, if that makes sense.

[Foxglove]

Hi, Abby! I once started a thread, told a story about something really stupid I'd done when I was young. A number of people posted telling about stupid things they'd done. Looking at all our stories, I got the impression that we were all trying to get caught. I can think of two motives for wanting to be caught (though other people on this thread have suggested others): we're looking for acceptance, and we're hoping that somebody somewhere will make everything alright for us.

It's useless worrying about acceptance from the general public. A lot of people may tolerate CDing, but without being terribly enthusiastic about it. And nobody else is going to make everything alright. We have to do that ourselves if we want it done.

Best wishes, Annabelle

[Jane G]

Who wouldn't love to be out of the closet. But like all of us in the closet I think the consiqueses would out way the joy of being free to express my real self in public. I am 6ft 4 and have no chance of passing at the mall.

I have a great life as it is and feel it would be selfish of me to out my self as my wife has made it clear she does not want that.

[Wildaboutheels]

No, don't have feelings like that but a couple of things to keep in mind...

FACT: Not everyone wants or NEEDS to come out of the closet even though the majority at this Forum obviously wish to.

FACT: Most people will have little trouble "accepting" if you do make it out. Most of your friends, coworkers, siblings etc., are not likely to drop you like a hot potato, unless you become a completely different person. Even then... if some do? SO WHAT?

If THEY are silly enough to find out ONE thing about you and decide to "cancel" their Relationship [of possibly many years] with you because of it, is it really that big of a loss?

[SheriM]

when out of town and shopping in the ladies section, it is nice when a female notices what I am wearing and we strike up a conversation. I certainly don't want to be found out by those I know, but when away, it's OK.

[GinaMarie]

Lately it's been obvious to my mom that I want to let myself be "found out." She knows when I want to go with it and that I want to pull it off to see how my brother and his friends -- including his GF -- as well as the rest of the family, would react to my coming out. If it's a bad reaction, then I'll put Gina away for awhile.

If anything, I'm saving it for Halloween. I'll see how they react to a guy wearing a dress and how he'd pass as a woman. Otherwise, who has to know I CD?

[Beverley Sims]

I have come out to complete strangers in cities far away from where I live and where I am not likely to see them again.
These people are nearly always sales assistants. I have had wonderful reactions with them

[Crissy Kay]

I still see no advantage for me of stepping out of the closet. I am just a part timer and I prefer it that way.

[Ally 2112]

As much as i would love to be more open, in my community i have to be careful im just not sure it would work to any advantage for me .Which at times can be depressing i sometimes feel very alone with this .But i do have you ladies on this forum which does help me alot ! :)

[Cary]

I've never had the urge to be caught. I 've been out dressed twice(both at night three years apart). I don't think a will ever pass and I'm not trying. I only dress from the neck down and I have broad sholders with big arms and hands. From time to time I get the urge to share that I crossdress, then I remember the two times it backfired on me when I shared me secret. I let the urge pass. At this point in my life I like this part of me being just for me. Why does everybody feel they must tell everybody else everything about them?

[Ame Anderson]

Scared does not equal ashamed. At 6' 5" 280 lbs passable is not an option. I'll pass as a linebacker before I'll pass as a woman. I dress as an expression of all the feminine things I "feel". I like shopping. I like pintrest. I relate to women better. Dressing is just a manifestation of one part of my personality. my love of Alabama football is another. Truck driving another, the list goes on and on. I do not want my kids and parents and friends to spend their time explaining me, so I'll limit my exposure to me and my wife.