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[Sarah27]

I am tired of looking in the mirror and seeing a guy, my existence is only slightly better than not existing. I do not believe in a higher being or afterlife. I am forever and only stuck in this existence or nonexistence. I have no choices. I am a girl completely mentally. I like girls exclusively with no interest in guys. I like girls that like men. My existence makes no sense, but I want to exist. I have tried the purging of clothing and trying to man up, it doesn't help. I've seen many psychiatrists and psychologists, they are little help. Every time I see a sexy girl i'm unbelievably jealous and at the same time attracted to her and instantly feel depressed because I cannot have her because of my inability to stop being who I am. It is like a choice, live my life pretending to be someone else and be with someone who can make me halfway happy possibly in the best case scenario, or be myself and be alone forever or with someone i'm not that attracted to. I know what your going to say already, there's better therapists out there, there's girls out there that are like this and that. It would be like winning the lottery twice in a row to find the one with me. I have dated many times and all have known my issues, I broke up with them all, thinking that I could find better, because a byproduct of my issues is perfection. So now at 27 with 5 years of college I live with my parents with the mentality that nothing that could possibly happen or has ever happened in your life will ever matter because everyone will die anyway, so why bother with living. So that is the only equality I can find with the general masses, that they are in the same predicament as I essentially and that is what I use to feel somewhat normal.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Dont be a statistic. You have a responsibility to yourself (the real person you want to see in the mirror) to live your life. If you can push your focus away from who you will spend your life with for the time being, and focus on who you are and how YOU want to live YOUR life, that can be a huge step in the right direction..

If you can be your own self, and your own best person, the right person will come along

Among other things, gender dysphoria causes feelings of emptiness and at least for me, made me feel there is no value to living...i can assure you that even taking small steps to live as yourself can help you feel that value, and the trick is once you see that even a little bit, you can realize why you should bother and hopefully make good decisions for yourself

[kimdl93]

27 is still pretty young. You have lots of time to get yourself to a better place. But you'll only get there by taking steps in that direction, one step at a time. My advice is to work on your self image....and try to stop seeing yourself as a person with "issues". If you hate that male image, start making steps towards taking ownership and pride in yourself by bringing out the woman that you are. I honestly believe that once you truly accept and love yourself, you'll be far more interesting and attractive to others. Whether you continue to live with your parents or move on to your own home, its important that you work on this first. All good things will follow.

[Alicew]

I see alot of what i personally have dealt with for the last 20+ years, as a late starter myself finally hitting the realization at 36 that i cant deny my feelings anymore , so after reading up on the subject and joining here for some guidance took the first step of finding myself,its all baby steps tho you have to take it slow and understand why and what you are before any drastic decision.
I personally feel like a heavy weights been lifted of my mind just talking to a few people about my problems and feelings im really not confortable with myself to express myself very well but im getting better at it actually saw my usual male doctor who has a wicked tongue normally and even he treated me sensitively and understanding and is helping me on my journey.

You have to hold on there its a lonely life bottling up your feelings and issues, finding a better therapist would be my first choice not all are equally qualified,finding some one to make you happy isnt going to start untill you make yourself happy first by understanding yourself i come across to strangers as arrogant or distant only because i realise now i have no idea how to interact with people i mirror any surrounding men so if im alone with a female it gets really confusing.

Heh wait till i start therapy theyre going to love me.

[outhiking]

I remember getting depressed over this quite a bit through my twenties. Acceptance seems to get easier as we get older. I don't know if I'm wiser or just less worried about imagined "sins" of cross-dressing, but do hang in there. It can and does get better.

[ReineD]

... or be myself and be alone forever or with someone i'm not that attracted to.



I have dated many times and all have known my issues, I broke up with them all, thinking that I could find better, because a byproduct of my issues is perfection.

What are your requirements in a partner, exactly? Maybe I should just ask rather than try to guess what's behind all of this, but just reading your words it looks as though you're looking for a perfection that doesn't exist.

Thinking you can find better? This is part of your problem. What are you looking for exactly, and what do you mean, settling for someone that you might not be attracted to? Have you come to the conclusion that only girls who are hard up would settle for CDers, and if she doesn't look a certain way then she's not good enough for you? Does she have to dress a certain way all the time, or is it OK if she only dresses up when the occasion calls for it?

If you've come to the conclusion that nothing short of physical perfection and impeccable taste in fashion will do, then I agree, you doom your life to loneliness, since the reality is that no one is perfect. Even men who marry the most beautiful models and actresses in Hollywood end up divorcing them. And why is this? Because once you get to know someone intimately and all the mysteries about them have dissipated, you don't see their exterior shell anymore. It is who they are inside that defines them.

[Thera Home]

So that is the only equality I can find with the general masses, that they are in the same predicament as I essentially and that is what I use to feel somewhat normal.

Yep....youre right, we all have our crosses to bear but you know what? Im not giving up!!!!:naughty Im going to keep moving forward and pray constantly for that's what gives me hope and peace of mind. You know when you have a" peace beyond all understanding" everything in life including the obstacles and "bad times" seems like little inconviences that just have to be overcome. They truly become minor what all my time is spent in a positive mode. I just want to tell you to keep on moving forward and doon't let the little bad things become mountains. Keep em small so that you an just hop over them. Don't let the crossdressing thing freak you out, its a tool that you can utilize for a euphoric pleasure,thats all.:)

:Peace:
Thera

[Hephaestus]

That honestly sounds like something I might have said a few years ago. I couldn't see the point of living, I had given up and was just waiting around for a weekend, when it felt right to pull the trigger. Why bother living life, going to work, etc, when life was so miserable and pointless? I was seeing a gender therapist who was great, but then he died before he could write my letter. I was depressed again, and I couldn't afford to start the therapy process, again... Self-medicating estrogen is super dangerous, but I was going to kill myself anyway... so I tried that, and it surprised me with how much it helped.
The results were that my body wasn't fighting me anymore, with hairs in the wrong places and a hairline I thought was beginning to recede. After 6 months or so of that, I was able to get my endocrinologist to prescribe me the proper stuff, and I haven't looked back. Things have been pretty slow going. I'm still not passable enough to go full time, and it's caused me to have to go back to school to get into a field I can proceed in as a trans-woman... but I *want* to fight to survive, now. I can't really even explain it, things were easier as a miserable man, but just being who I am now somehow gives me the will to go on.

[KellyJameson]

This is only an opinion and I'm not sexual so I offer it with reluctance because I cannot understand what I have not experienced directly.

In my opinion gender identity is determined but sexual attraction is an aspect of beauty so is a reaction to the beautiful and is learned and when what you think is beautiful changes so does what you are sexually attracted to regardless of whether you are heterosexual or homosexual or somewhere in-between.

Desire follows what is thought to be beautiful even in the abstract such as "honesty" being sexy, it is a value response and values are learned so desire follows values if you can stop relying only on what you see to become aroused, you must learn to want more than the outside of a person.

You fear the loss of being able to experience your sexuality but this does not necessarily have to be true if you can change what you experience as beautiful (that which creates desire)

Being MtF but sexually attracted to females places you between a rock and a hard place because you will connect psychologically with women who balance your femininity but what makes you sexually aroused is the feminine ideal which will probably be feminine through and through because the outside expresses the inside.

A woman like this will not find in you what she needs psychologically on a sexual level so will move away from you sexually even though she may very much enjoy you as a friend.

Sexuality is the attraction between opposite energies being drawn toward each other and exists beyond choice so cannot be controlled, it just is.

I would work toward not relying on what you see to select a partner including sexually but instead create a sexual life with a woman who is your opposite energy, look for a woman who does not feel feminine as experienced by what you experience in yourself, look for (feel) your opposite in another.

You have more power to create your life than you have discovered, you just need to learn what you can change and what you cannot change and this takes time and effort.