Being called sir vs maam

[angpai30]

I have been on HRT for 5 months now and I started working as a woman 2 months ago. I have found that when a co-worker calls me a sir instead of maam my heart suddenly stops and I want to march over and giving them a few good lashings until they correct themselves and call me maam, which then my heart starts again and everything is OK and in check. Does this happen to anyone else?

Angela

[Jorja]

This is an integral part of transition it would seem. Hang in there and keep correcting them. It is new to them or they just do not understand. No lashing needed just say she when they say he. It is an up hill battle but you will win, eventually.

[kimdl93]

Do give people a little bit of a break. I think you're fully entitled to be treated as a woman during transition, but some folks have a difficult time breaking old habits. Instead of a tongue-lashing, a more gentle reminder may be more effective and promote better relations with your co-worker.

[Nigella]

My view, FWIW, if someone has no impact on my life, then I don't worry about how they respond to me, as long as it is with courtesy. I generally find that with a gentle reminder of my gender, most accept, treat me as a female and then get on with whatever is required.

What you need to remember is that most people respond to visual and verbal clues, i.e. facial structure, tone of voice, inflections. They see and hear what they have been conditioned to and respond accordingly.

The only people I have an issue with is those who despite being gently corrected, then go on and continue to ignore my gender.

[Badtranny]

I have been on HRT for 5 months now and I started working as a woman 2 months ago.

Welcome to the club lady. It's called Transition and the membership dues are a real pain some months.

But seriously, Frances has a thread about this right now and I've talked about this recently, and pretty much all of us have had this exact same complaint. It gets better over time, but it never sucks any less. 5 months? Come talk to us after a couple of years. ;-)

[JohnH]

Most of the time I'm addressed as "Sir" Only occasionally I am addressed as "Ma'am". However, that does not bother me in the slightest. This is in spite of being on M2F HRT for over a year and having noticeable breasts.

John

[Inna]

I will give the INNATAKE on this!!! I never seemed to want to force my still progressing Avatar onto folks who I interacted with. YES, the connotations of a masculine type were hurtful, but out of knowing that more times then not, I simply looked like a very feminine DUDE, I realized that such label will be my calling sign until I look like DUDE no more!

So I did what I could, and more, to grow an AVATAR which would represent woman more directly.

Makeup techniques, and NOT the MACK or SEPHORA counter, and not make up tutorials made by and for woman, but technique (INNAS OWN) through trial and error, of shading, creating shadows and light, through use of non color, neutral shades of combination of foundation, powders, eyeshadow, etc.
But even then, such does not change bone.

We can not hold this name calling against an innocent observer who even though sees someone perhaps wearing a skirt, makeup, hair due, and heels, and still sounding "SIR" out of their clueless mouth. They don't realize the hurt behind the remark, and if they see a mans face they automatically assume whats what.

Am I defending the donkeys out there who push on their agenda knowing our need and struggle, absolutely not! There are those who you know have to tell you how wrong you are in being you, they can burn in hell for all I care, but seriously, they do so because they them selves have insecurities up wazoo!!!!

So in conclusion, "it takes heck of a strength to be transgender", What I mean by that is that I could not live my life as a transsexual for the remainder of my life, I simply dont have enough strength to proceed still in the AVATAR of the past except clothed differently with make up on, I had to become a woman, this is who I am and always was, my dysphoria would not be cured if not for this illusive mark of arriving at the place of serenity, absoluteness and wholeness.

For me the only choice was FFS, my ticket to paradise, my place along the societal hierarchy, congruent and poised.

Am I a rebel, heck no! I am a little girl who just wants to be loved, accepted and told how cute she looks every so often.

[Katelyn B]

So I've only been full time at work for 4 months, but must admit everyone has been really really good to the extent I'm not sure I could think of an instance where I've been misgendered, I've overheard people referring to me as she when they don't know I'm actually within ear shot, which makes me very glad to work there. Outside of work is another matter, trying to get my father to use the correct pronouns is an uphill battle. Whilst it doesn't bother me from most people (or if it does it's only a little), from him it's like a little knife each and every time, which makes me defensive and thus never improves the situation.

[Sandra1746]

If there is such a thing as "transition-lite" then I suppose I am in that group. I'm not trying to become "female", just "more feminine". (We can discuss levels on the Benjamin scale.) My wife is OK with this, she would not go along with a full transition. I respect that decision and I don't want to lose her.

With that out of the way, I've been on Finasteride for several years and Estradiol for a couple months and I regularly dress in what I call "plain-femme"; jeans, fem top, fem shoes, and jewelry. My hair is also below my shoulders. I regularly get referred to with feminine pronouns, until I speak. My voice is nowhere close to feminine. In all cases I smile and continue to conduct my business as if nothing has happened. I agree with Nigella; as long as I am treated with courtesy then I am happy, the gender references are way down on my list of peeves.

So far so good,
Sandra1746

[cyndigurl45]

When I transitioned at work I was able o move to a new location, so besides HR no one at the office knows my past.

[ReineD]

I'm sorry that you're going through this, Kristen. :hugs:



But even then, such does not change bone.

... For me the only choice was FFS, my ticket to paradise, my place along the societal hierarchy, congruent and poised.

There aren't many women who were born with male bodies, who can give off all the female gender cues to others without FFS and lacking that, without special makeup techniques. Maybe the prospects are good during very early years (you could put a wig on a number of teenage boys and they'd pass), and again in retirement years (where men's and women's faces lose the huge gendered gap between them, since both women and men lose estrogen and testosterone respectively), but during the middle years it is very difficult for most people.

As hurtful as this might be to a woman who has announced to the world that she is not a man, and who gets her name changed, grows her hair, and wears the same clothing that other women wear, I've often wondered if doing all of this is enough (living her life genuinely as a woman even though she still gives off some male gender cues) , or if the importance of living genuinely does not outweighs how others see her. Some people will respect that she is now a woman and she wants to be referred to as one (compared to how they knew her), but there will still be countless others who do not know the background or who do not understand the issue.

[Saffron]

The importance of being yourself is primordial, but acceptance it's also very important and not only for TS people.

[Inna]

I'm sorry that you're going through this, Kristen. :hugs:



There aren't many women who were born with male bodies, who can give off all the female gender cues to others without FFS and lacking that, without special makeup techniques. Maybe the prospects are good during very early years (you could put a wig on a number of teenage boys and they'd pass), and again in retirement years (where men's and women's faces lose the huge gendered gap between them, since both women and men lose estrogen and testosterone respectively), but during the middle years it is very difficult for most people.

As hurtful as this might be to a woman who has announced to the world that she is not a man, and who gets her name changed, grows her hair, and wears the same clothing that other women wear, I've often wondered if doing all of this is enough (living her life genuinely as a woman even though she still gives off some male gender cues) , or if the importance of living genuinely does not outweighs how others see her. Some people will respect that she is now a woman and she wants to be referred to as one (compared to how they knew her), but there will still be countless others who do not know the background or who do not understand the issue.

Right on! And I have always, even though it was hard on my psyche, understood that fact, that many folks who would call me "SIR" when I did absolutely everything possible to present as woman, they were simply ignorant to the condition, and not ignorant in forceful aware state, but ignorant out of obliviousness to my condition. They simply lacked bit of imagination which tells them that person wearing makeup, womans attire and who tries emulating femaleness is in fact a woman. They looked at me, seen male face and to them I was simply a male!
Could I hold this against them, not really, even though it did hurt!

The effort to become a woman was immense, and when I look back and realize how immense it was I would probably not set out to do it again, to me it is once in a lifetime deal, but said that, when you cross this final hurdle, joy is so immensely grand, that all the effort is rewarded severalfold !!!!

[Badtranny]

the gender references are way down on my list of peeves.

Well of course not. You still use a male name, and you've had basically no transition yet. Presently you're a dude wearing androgynous clothes and jewelry. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, but why would anybody NOT "sir" you?

Your situation does not compare with someone who has done the work of transition. Name change, FULL fem presentation, voice, etc, and still get called "sir". In Kristen's case, she's very early in her transition yet (as am I) but some girls deal with it for years before things get better. Being called sir never bothered me when I was in my "gender queer" phase. Why would it? I looked like a dude. It was only after my transition and name/gender change that it started to hurt a little.

When you've had enough surgery to get that F on your driver's license, you tend to be a little more sensitive than someone who is wearing "fem jeans".

[josee]

I look forward to the day when someone, other than my Trans friends, calls me ma'am.

[arbon]

Does this happen to anyone else?

It is a daily deal for me. Most the guys wont say my new name, let alone refer to me as her....

I try hard not to let it get to me to much and going to be a long uphill fight.

[angpai30]

Don't get me wrong... I am already maamed every day by customers. Ever since I transitioned at work not one customer has called me a sir, but it is the associates I work with that have called me a sir or he or even sometimes by my male name. Even then most have conformed to calling me she, her and maam, but there are still those instances where they forget for a moment and accidently call you sir or he, but then they correct themselves and call me her or she. The other day this happened and I found myself bracing the counter as hard as I could with my knuckles turning white and then when my co-worker corrected himself and said maam and apologized for calling me sir I automatically let go and my fingers hurt like hell. I don't have a problem with them doing that because they are trying, but when I automatically started bracing the counter as hard as I could it almost seemed like I couldn't let go and the harder I braced the counter the faster my heart raced. I couldn't let go until he called me maam... then and only then was I able to get on and continue what I was working on. Has this automatic response happened to anybody else? P.s. I haven't gone by Kristen in almost a year and a half and I go by Angela now, but I have already asked the mods to change it three times now over a 4 year period that I think I may have made them mad at me.

Angela

[Jenn A116]

I'm sure its difficult for you but I'm not getting the impression that they are doing this on purpose. For those that have known you pre-transition its just a habit that they have to work consciously to break when referring to you. Some are better at it than others.